Public Speaking Tips

Borrowing content from The Onion tonight. Sorry, but I spent most of the night watching Illinois basketball and hanging out at a bar. Yeah, I know I have to be at work in the morning but the inauguration was today and I realized that I have four more years of this shit to look forward to. Or more accurately, four years or until Australia grants me asylum, whichever comes first. To make up for it, I'll guarantee that next week I will post my review of Before Sunrise/Sunset/why I need to marry Julie Delpy. And, if I am really creative, I'll finally finsih my Jeff Buckley retrospective. In short, much more creative postings next week. Until then, notes from a group of guys a lot funnier than I am right now...


Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience. Here are some tips to help you capture an audience.

• Structure your speech to include a strong opening, a memorable conclusion, and at least six references to your wife in the front row.
• Rehearse your speech in front of a mirror, if you are attractive
• Imagining your audience naked is passe. Imagine them weak, emotionally vulnerable and thirsty for a peer-shared breakthrough
• Kids, if you are giving a class presentation, remember not to be fat
• Public speaking is a lot like riding your bike: it's tiring, you get sweaty, and sooner or later you take an iron bar to the nuts
• It's probably best to leave unverified allegations that Saddam Hussein tried to obtain Uranium from Africa out of your State of the Union address
• Your audience is just as afraid of you as you are of it. Don't make any sudden movements
• "Weird Al" Yankovic performs in front of large groups of people all the time. If that freak can do it, you ought to be able to manage
• The oldest, best know public speaking tip still applies: Shut the fuck up, jackass