Songbook: Volume Five

(Note #1: No, I was really dumb last week and didn’t pick up Morris even when I knew Alexander was hurt and might be missing some time. My fantasy life is centered around Julius Jones and Chester Taylor. Actually, my fantasy life is focused on Natalie Portman, more like my fantasy team is dependent on Jones and Taylor.)

(Note #2: I have three comments to make right now on the Screech porn video. First of all, I don’t know if I want to live in a world where Screech from Saved By the Bell is apparently having a better life than I am having. Second, I love how his agent is trying to spin this as a way for him to break away from the Screech image and get better acting roles. Because you know this video will wipe away all memories of Screech and replace them with even worse images. And finally, this is how I imagine the Saved by the Bell reunion show will go.

Mark Paul Gosselar (Zach): “So what is everyone up to. I was on NYPD Blue.”
Mario Lopez (Slater): “I was on Dancing with the Stars.”
Lark Voorhees (Lisa): “I sued a tabloid for saying I was a crack addict.”
Dustin Diamond (Screech): “I gave a girl a dirty sanchez in a porn film.”
Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie): “You know, suddenly Showgirls doesn’t look like such a bad career move.”
Tiffany Amber Thiessen (Kelly): “You’re all a bunch of freaks. I’m leaving before you ruin my career by osmosis.”)

Anyway, a return to Songbook, in which in honor of Nick Hornby I examine a song and its impact on my life.

Songbook: Eric Clapton “Wonderful Tonight”

I hate Eric Clapton.

I hate Eric Clapton with a passion. If I cared about my job nearly as much as I care about my laser like hatred of Eric Clapton not only would I be CEO but I’d be on the cover of Time magazine with a headline of “Dude, this guy is so awesome.” If I met Eric Clapton I would immediately punch him in the stomach just so he could get a minute taste of all the pain and suffering that he has caused me over the years.

As you can tell, this is a subject that means a lot to me.

Now I have to admit that I hate a lot of bands. I can’t stand the Grateful Dead. Any music where the entire point of it is that it is fun to listen to while high a) isn’t good music and b) isn’t a good use of getting high either. I consider the Doors to be the most overrated band in the history of music because outside of a few minutes of Ray Manzareks noodling on keyboards they are the most boring band imaginable. And any guy who plays “The End” on a bar jukebox will be second against the wall when the revolution comes (behind the staff of Ticketmaster). And Led Zepplin is a band enjoyed by people who like hobbits but aren’t into Star Wars.

So that doesn’t explain the vitriol I express towards Eric Clapton. I’ll agree that he is a great guitar player. Is he the best guitar player ever? Heck, I don’t even consider him to be the best guitar player named Eric (Johnson has him beat). And most of the songs are decent and I appreciate that he has kept a spotlight on the blues and the old legends. Those are all positives for him. But that doesn’t change the fact that he has made my life a living hell with the song “Wonderful Tonight.”

Ok, now I know a few of you are going. “But EC, it’s such a sweet love song. We played that at my prom/formal/wedding.” You’re wrong. It’s not a sweet love song. It is the only song that forces me to leave the room when it is played and even Ice, Ice Baby doesn’t make me do that.

Here’s why. So you’re in college and you’re an electrical engineer so social skills are not exactly your forte. That happens when of the two hundred and fifty people in your program only five are female. It’s like “You’ll need to learn Maxwell’s equations but we won’t bother with teaching you on how to interact with human beings in any environment where the term transistor is not mentioned on a regular basis.” And being college at some point you have the big dorm dance (Barn or Formal) that everyone is looking forward to.

Well, except you because you don’t have a date. Maybe because the girl you asked said no because she was still technically dating a guy in Germany. Maybe you didn’t ask the girl because dorm dances just didn’t seem to be her style. Whatever the case you are torn between wanting to go (because your friends are going) and not wanting to go (because it’s dumb to go by yourself.) Finally, after much badgering by your friends’ girlfriends (who all seem to like you more than their boyfriends) you decide to go. And hell, there’s going to be beer there and beer makes life worthwhile.

So you go and you are actually having a good time. You’re joking around and having your picture taken and drinking and everything is going fine. People even try to drag you on a dance floor, though after thirty seconds they push you back off the dance floor as you are a danger to yourself and innocent bystanders given your complete lack of rhythm. But still, it’s a much better night than just staying home and watching television. That is until “Wonderful Tonight” comes over the stereo. Suddenly all of your friends pair up. Everyone moves on to the dance floor. The girls look lovingly into their dates eyes. It’s one of those pure romantic moments that everyone tries to attain because it’s what they’ve seen in movies. It’s beautiful for everyone involved.

Well, except for you because your standing on the side alone with a beer in your hand watching everyone in the room other than yourself be happy and wondering “If the world ended this instant I think I would be happy just because I wouldn’t have to listen to this damn song anymore.”

That’s why I hate Eric Clapton. Every dance I’ve been to, every wedding, hell, even random nights at a bar this song will come over the speakers and I am reminded of that moment of feeling like being the biggest loser in the world. It’s not even that I feel that way, it’s just that the song epitomizes that some people are couples and some people aren’t and that every line in the song is trying to say “If you aren’t with someone right this instance your life is completely worthless and you have no value to society. We might as well just replace you with a plant.” And since I hate feeling that way about myself that’s why I now leave the room whenever the song comes on (and in one instance, threatened to jump out of a moving car if someone didn’t change the radio station.)

And I hold Eric Clapton responsible for all of this. He has made countless guys lives horrible by creating the one song that is played every time someone thinks a slow dance is a good idea. It’s the only thing worse than being more famous for recording a Bob Marley song than Bob Marley is.