When does The Pick Up Artist 3 begin?

I just want to state my amusement in that they actually made Obama retake the oath of office today because he said it incorrectly yesterday. See, I was right in saying that he wasn’t officially president. It’s frightening how observant I can be at times. No wonder I saw five people wearing Aretha Franklin’s hat today.

Ok, over the past few weeks I have been very poor in my coverage of VH-1’s reality programming. This has been a huge overlook on my part as some of the shows are just classic. Let’s run through some of the shows currently airing.

Real Chance at Love: I know this show just had its season finale but I really need to start here. So we have Real and Chance, two contestants from I Love New York, which featured New York from Flavor of Love, which was created when the relationship between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson fell apart, a relationship that began on The Surreal Life, a show that existed to promote people who used to be vaguely famous, are on a Bachelor type show. That sentence does make sense even if reading it makes you die a little inside. What makes the show so brilliant is the degree to which this is a competition. These women dream of dating a former reality television show contestant. Everyone is serious: best evidence when Chance questioned Corn Fed (a woman from Fargo who yes, was called Corn Fed for the entire series) whether she could handle his lifestyle. Which raises the question: what lifestyle?

Tool Academy: This is the flip side of The Pick Up Artist. Whereas that show focused on guys who can’t get women and then teaches them all the tricks to have beautiful women falling all over themselves trying to be with the former geeks this show is about muscle bound, self-absorbed guys who are trying to be taught to be caring sensitive males. So essentially this show is about unlearning everything that Mystery taught me and getting back to being myself. And people wonder why I have such a hard time meeting women. I can’t even figure out what side of spectrum to be on.

Confession of a Teen Idol: This show, which not surprisingly comes from the inventive mind of Scott Baio, focuses on former teen idols as they try to make a comeback. Now some of the people on the show are actual teen idols. Christopher Atkins, Jeremy Jackson, and even Adrian Zmed fit the criteria of once being lusted after by fourteen year old girls. Also on the show is Billy Hufsey. I don’t have any clue who this guy is. He apparently was on the TV show Fame, which I barely remember. Sign that your career has gone badly: when you are on a show featuring washed up stars and none of the other has beens can remember who you are.

Sober House: Here is how Wikipedia sums up the first episode: “Steven Adler comes to the house not only high, but bringing heroin.” If that doesn’t catch your interest nothing will. For those of you who need more background this is a spinoff of Celebrity Rehab (yes, in the world of VH-1 even a reality show about rehab can merit a spinoff). After watching your favorite D-list celebrities get clean in rehab now you get to watch how they try to stay sober. Featuring, and I’m not making this up, the aforementioned Steven Adler from Guns N Roses, porn star Mary Carey, Andy Dick and in the best non sequitor casting ever, Rodney King. There should be a contest connected with this show where a random member of the public is placed in the house with this crowd and if they don’t become a drug addict trying to deal with all of them they win a million dollars.

And we can only end with…

Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: Ok, I’m just going to list the awesomeness of this show in bullet point form.
· Bret is always shown wearing a bandanna because it is clearly apparent that he has lost the vast majority of his hair.
· Also, all of Bret’s individual segments are shot in front of a backdrop of all of his gold records. Except that it is clearly a greenscreen so they could put the surface of the moon back there and he would never notice.
· The third episode of the show was titled, and again I’m not making this up, “Skanks on Ice”
· We have contestants named Brittanya, Jasmineva, Constandina, and Mindy.
· The fact that not only were they able to find new contestants that met the former stripper standard set in the first two seasons but they found twenty of them.
· The entire concept of the show is this. As Bret was unable to find love in the first two seasons (what a surprise) he is now searching for a woman who will be able to withstand his rock and roll lifestyle. So now the contest is going on the road with him as he travels to such exotic locations as Louisville, Indianapolis and my former home of Champaign, Illinois. That is not a bad judgment of true love for you right there. If you can find a woman who will willingly travel to Champaign with you marry her.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Time to increase my indie cred. Fleet Foxes, yes they were on Saturday Night Live but they are still all kinds of awesome.

Fleet Foxes MTV Music