Basically, make it look like you don't live there

In a bid to make this site more beneficial to my regular readers I have decided to post these helpful hints as to what every single male must do to his apartment before inviting a woman over. Yeah, I know, this is mainly theoretical on my part. It’s nice to know that I can discuss what happened in the first three seconds of the universe’s existence and not be questioned in the slightest but the second I talk about relationships it suddenly becomes impossible to believe that I may have insight into the matter. Still, here is a handy list to use at your convenience.

· Remove all reading material from your bathroom: As the one place it is certain that the woman will enter is your bathroom it is vitally important that you set up that room as if you have never entered it. Thus, remove all books, magazines and other items that you use to avoid the otherwise deadtime in your life.

· Sticking with the bathroom, besides cleaning it, clearly place items that show you take care of yourself but remove those that are too indicative of the fact: All guys have liquid soap. Classy guys like myself have high end cleanser, face scrub and hair gel neatly organized with the labels facing out near the sink. Hide the nose hair trimmer though. As important it is to know that you have a situation there that needs addressing it is not something that you wish to advertise.

· Candles. They come with a catch: You want to have a few small, scented candles scattered around your apartment as proper decorating items. However, there are a number of rules that come with the operation of these candles. 1) They cannot be lit when she enters the room. That indicates that once you hit play on the stereo you will hear the soulful sounds of Barry White and that is not the best first impression to make. 2) They cannot show any evidence of ever being lit. That means that you had another woman over recently and were too lazy to get new candles. 3) Rules 1 and 2 can be ignored if you suffered at least a three day electricity outage in the past two weeks.

· Hide any films starring Bridget the Midget: Note: may not be applicable if one is dating someone who is vertically challenged though on second thought, hide it really well in that case. This goes double if said films also involve clowns.

· Magazines may be neatly arranged on a coffee table taking special care to disguise those that may feature actresses in skimpy attire. It goes without saying that you should keep your collection of Maxim issues out of plain sight. There is a bigger challenge when it comes to GQ and Esquire. These are actually useful magazines that one reads for personal benefit that just happen to occasionally feature a nude Jennifer Aniston on the cover. In that instance, best to hide or in my case, momentarily organize the stack of issues in non-chronological order. While that goes against all principles of natural structure it is a price one must pay.

· Reorganize bookshelves to display most popular and /or impressive books in the most prominent position: You’ll want to use this as a conversation piece so start with what will work, even if that means admitting that you own The Da Vinci Code. Your science fiction collection should be moved down a few shelves. If you’re like me and have an entire shelf dedicated to pro wrestling auto-biographies well, you should just be happy that a woman has voluntarily entered your abode in the first place.

· On that note, hide the pro wrestling DVDs: Though if you meet a woman who goes “why don’t we just snuggle together on the couch and watch The History of the Intercontinental Title DVD” marry her instantly.

· Stock the refrigerator and pantry with items that indicate that you know how to cook and / or take care of yourself: Whether you actually can or do cook is irrelevant. The key is to give the impression that you do. Hence, the fridge should contain some sort of green vegetable as well as something that could be described as fruit. Leftovers should only remain if they are less than one day old and not in a takeout container. While microwave and bag dinners are acceptable they need to be balanced by other items that would at least require turning on the stove to cook. Random spices are also beneficial. And for the love of God, bottled water in the fridge please. She’s going to ask for water and you look like you know what you are doing when you pull out a nice, chilled bottle of water.

· Remove the action figures from your home office: I know Boba Fett is the man. You know Boba Fett is the man. Hell, she knows Boba Fett is the man. For some reason though it is unacceptable to place Boba Fett in his rightful place of honor inside your apartment. For the life of me I do not know why.

That is what I have to start with. Any additions?

Best of 120 Minutes: I’ll leave it to Juliana Hatfield to describe how most of my workouts have been going recently. After another bike ride to nowhere somehow this seems really fitting.

Juliana Hatfield Three MTV Music

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Insiders “Not For Sale”
2) Julie Delpy “Julie Delpy”
3) Jon Dee Graham “Swept Away”
4) Lyle Lovett “Lyle Lovett”
5) Victoria Williams “Water to Drink”