Now a McRib I could understand...

I will start tonight with a Battling the Current Public Service Announcement. I would like to remind everyone in the United States (including those residents of Indiana who have finally decided to embrace the rest of society) that we are to spring forward this weekend and turn our clocks ahead one hour. Yes, despite the fact that there is still snow on the ground and I am still wearing a heavy winter coat every day we have officially declared it spring in order to get people to either a) use less electricity or b) do more shopping. The government will tell you that the reason is A but in reality it is B. The entire reason behind daily savings time is that it makes it easier to have evening barbecues.

Though do I have to lose an hour of sleep this weekend? I’m so sleep deprived at the moment it is not even funny. All I want to do is lie down and sleep for the next twenty hours except that now it will be nineteen hours because the man has an issue with the ways the clock works. And you know this extra hour of sunlight is just going to increase global warming.

Ok, I’m going to switch gears and talk about our constitutional right as Americans to have McNuggets. Or more accurately, I will discuss the woman who called 911 three (3) times to complain about the fact that they were a) out of McNuggets and b) they wouldn’t give her her money back. Let’s examine this in detail, shall we?

First of all, how the hell does a McDonald’s run out of McNuggets? We’re talking about an item that takes up little storage space and can be stored indefinitely. It’s not like they are making fresh batches of them in the back every day. There is probably a McNugget closet somewhere that contains numerous boxes of the chicken like items and the staff was just too lazy to go back there and get the next box.

Also, the “all sales are final” rule seems to be bizarre even for a fast food restaurant. Times are tough but I can’t imagine a franchise needing to hold onto the four dollars of revenue that they made from the purchase. If times are that tight why can’t they do what every other restaurant does: Add more ice to the soft drinks and cut back on how many fries you put in the bag.

But as much as the employees are in the wrong here (and given the crappy economy I would expect a better level of McDonald’s employee at the moment) we do have to face the fact that a woman called 911 three times to complain about her order of McNuggets. That can be worth one call at most. We’re not talking about a Shamrock Shake here. We’re talking McNuggets. They can barely be described as food. I’m not sure how a four dollar food item can be considered an emergency. Or that she felt the need to call repeatedly and is surprised by the fact that this resulted in her both being arrested and becoming a minor celebrity.

The interesting fact is that this is not that unusual of a story. These stories cross the news wires at pretty regular intervals and it tells you something about our society. We immediately seek retribution from a third party. We can’t solve our own problems, we must always ask for help from someone else who should know what to do. We feel as though the universe owes us so that even a few dollar dispute at a restaurant becomes a capital issue. If we don’t get what we want we will go to war because it is our right to get everything we want. I just don’t think that is a healthy attitude for a society. At some point we must take some responsibility and be at least a little bit zen about the fact that not everything goes as planned. Especially not a food order.

This Land is Our Land!

As many of you know, I have been watching the political scene in my former home very closely over the past several weeks. The corruption and arrogance evident amongst our elected officials is too much to behold. Never have I seen such a mistreatment of the public trust. As a result I feel that it is my duty to lead the charge to make a change in the way our great land is governed. I ask all citizens to join with me on this cause.

We must impeach Mayor McCheese!



For too long we have been complacent in our acceptance of his governing practices. We elected him on his promise of bringing law and order to our streets. We cheered when he announced that Officer Big Mac would lead the crime reduction task force. But are we any safer now than we were when he was elected? Captain Crook and his band of pirates still menace our fishing fleet and constantly raid our ships loaded with imports from the Tartars. Even more concerning is the continual threat to our society known only by the name “The Hamburglar”. This criminal makes even the strongest citizen scared to venture onto the city streets for fear of being robbed by a masked lunatic. Have Mayor McCheese and his flunky Officer Big Mac captured this repeat criminal? Of course not as all of our tax dollars that were meant to go towards the hiring of additional police forces have been diverted in order to “make meal time a more joyous occurrence.”

Let us not forget his domestic policy. We all remember Mayor McCheese’s disastrous press conference during The Great McRib Panic of 2005.



Never before has an elected leader been so negligent in such a trying time. We all knew that the food supply was too dependent on the McPorcine and that any natural disaster in the agricultural region would have horrible consequences. It is why every spring they would have the annual Faux Gras celebration as the entire area had a conscious understanding that their entire lifestyle could be wiped out in an instant. But did McCheese see the warning signs? No, he watched idly as days passed while rioters and looters roamed the streets looking for one last packet of sauce. Why wasn’t Birdie the Early Bird placed in charge of the early warning system as all of the experts recommended? It was a case of criminal neglect of the highest source.

Then there is the threat from foreign sources. The Burger King has been amassing forces for years, always threatening to invade our peaceful land. An insurgent terrorist element has been planting Jack in the Boxes across our fair city. And I shiver when I hear the garbled messages of the one they call Wendy. Has Mayor McCheese done anything that makes you sleep soundly at night? Are we more secure knowing that the Fry Guys are on patrol? I think not.

Now I know that many will claim that this is driven more from a disagreement with Mayor McCheese’s lifestyle. While many people have issue with the Mayor and his life partner Grimace I do not fall in that group. I feel proud that I live in a land where someone can be elected leader regardless if their spouse is male, female or an amorphous purple blob. I also do not discount the Mayor’s accomplishments. Thanks to his appointing of Uncle O’Grimacy as ambassador we now have secured a year round shipment of Shamrock Shakes. He instituted the space program providing us with our national hero CosMc. But these successes have been few and far between and our government is now a greasy slab of disease due solely to his leadership.

So let us rise up and retake our government! There is only one person who can save us from catastrophe!



Help us Ronette. You are our only hope.