2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Five

We’ve reached the end. Thank God.

Tuesday, Jan. 1
Outback Bowl
Mississippi State vs. Iowa
Noon ET, ESPN2
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida

I have very few positive things to say about Iowa, especially since it is the school responsible for my having to suffer through four years of sub-par Illini basketball, but the “wave to the kids in the children’s hospital” tradition is one of the best in football. This might be one of the few games that feels as though it is traditional. It has been called the Outback Bowl forever and it takes place on New Year’s Day in a Big Ten – SEC matchup. Add in the traditional “salute to Jazzercise” halftime show and it is what you want in a hangover remedy game.

VRBO Citrus Bowl
Kentucky vs. Penn State
1 p.m. ET, ABC
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

Ok, there is no reason why a New Year’s Day bowl game should have a sponsor that is completely random. And I mean random in the “it is just four random letters” sense of the word. Does anyone know what VRBO is? A bank? An anti-perspirant? Some new tech company spouting breakthroughs in mass transportation but producing what is in reality a poorly designed tunnel? No one knows.

I watched a lot of Penn State this year and the team probably deserves a better bowl than this. Or at least a better opponent. I know that Kentucky over-achieved in the SEC this year but it just seems wrong to be talking about their strength as a football program. Could we have Tennessee return to prominence?

(Also, for Christmas I got Kim a Lego Penn State Stadium. And a candle that smells like South Bend. I know what my wife’s heart desires.)

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl
No. 11 LSU vs. No. 8 UCF
1 p.m. ET, ESPN
State Farm Stadium, Glendale, Arizona
Glendale, Arizona

Didn’t this use to be the University of Phoenix Stadium? As much as I dislike change I can at least support not having a stadium being named for a school that by definition cannot compete at the stadium. After the playoff games this weekend I know people were complaining about who made the games. I’m biased of course but I can’t see how it should have changed. Georgia lost twice and had their chance at Alabama. Ohio State was blown out by Purdue, should have lost to Maryland and is Ohio State and that alone should disqualify them. The team that I thought had the best argument was Central Florida but I couldn’t support them after their best player and quarterback was lost for the season when, uh, he had his leg amputated. Ok, not quite amputated but, yeah, way too severe of an injury to receive without being paid in the process. Oh well, geaux Tigers.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual
No. 9 Washington vs. No. 6 Ohio State
5 p.m. ET, ESPN
Rose Bowl
Pasadena, California

The granddaddy of them all! The reason why millions of roses are cruelly murdered every year! The last time this year you can feel the irrational hate fill your body just by seeing Ohio State on your television! I’m trying to think of a team that is more hated but I really can’t. Sure some people would say Notre Dame but at least you know that Notre Dame will lose at times and their players and coaches are slightly less likely to be criminals. Well, coaching staff is probably a wash but definitely the players. I’ll be cheering for Washington for obvious reasons.

Allstate Sugar Bowl
No. 15 Texas vs. No. 5 Georgia
8:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans

Does anyone else feel weird knowing that they will be going back to work on Wednesday? For those of us who turn this time into a week or so of vacation time the fact that we will be immediately going back to the grind is bizarre. I don’t think anyone actually wants to work the rest of the week but it is a new year and we all have resolutions to keep and bills to pay. Anyway, here is the game to watch as you dread setting the alarm clock for the morning.

Monday, Jan. 7
College Football Playoff National Championship Presented By AT&T
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 2 Clemson
8 p.m. ET on ESPN
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, California

It’s a rerun. They’ll probably show last year’s game simultaneously on ESPN Classic. Your halftime entertainment is Imagine Dragons. We end bowl season with a game that is not a bowl game. Pass.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Four

Continuing the series featuring games that matter, games that don't matter and something called the Belk Bowl.

Saturday, Dec. 29
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
No. 10 Florida vs. No. 7 Michigan
Noon ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Stadium
Atlanta

Call me a purist but I liked it when all the big bowl games were on January 1st and the Peach Bowl wasn’t considered a major bowl. It was great when it was an over-achieving ACC team versus an underachieving SEC team played in late December. Add in the always fun sponsorship of Chick-fil-A (the only company in the world that could make buying a chicken sandwich a moral quandary) and you have the making for a good waste of a couple hours. This should be a good matchup even if it is between two teams that no one likes unless you are actually from the state and even then it is a fifty-fifty proposition.

Belk Bowl
South Carolina vs. Virginia
Noon ET, ABC
Bank of America Stadium
Charlotte, North Carolina

I will also state for the record that Belk is another great all purpose swear word. We really need new swear words. The old ones are too over-used and it would be nice to be able to swear around children without feeling horrible about it. Anyway, this bowl game is a load of Belk. I’m not sure if anyone can tell me a single thing about either team’s season and the fact that even ABC is putting this game up against the Chick-fil-A Bowl on its sister station tells you that even they don’t care.

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl 
Arkansas State vs. Nevada
1:15 p.m. ET, CBSSN
Arizona Stadium
Tucson, Arizona

Finally, a game not a part of the Disney family even though it will take you a good ten minutes to find the CBS Sports Network on your cable system. Even though we are years removed from the last financial crisis I still find it strange when home loan companies are the sponsor, especially when it involves places like Arizona and Nevada. Also, I don’t know if I’m more surprised that Arkansas State is a D-1 school or a school at all. Sometimes bowl season teaches you something.


College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
No. 2 Clemson vs. No. 3 Notre Dame
4 ET, ESPN
AT&T Stadium
Arlington, Texas

Lots of thoughts about this so time to break out the numbered list!
1) Expect to hear the “Joe Montana having a bowl of chicken soup before the fourth quarter” story a dozen times during the game.
2) I’m not sure if the Cotton Bowl Classic is like Coca-Cola Classic and there was a New Cotton Bowl that we all agreed to forget about but the fact that the Cotton Bowl Classic is not played in the Cotton Bowl is the biggest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I rented “The Neverending Story.”
3) Early in the season I said if Notre Dame went undefeated they’d make the playoffs, with one loss they’d be in a lesser BCS bowl and with two losses they’d be in a pile of Belk. I’d like to say that I was correct in every aspect.
4) That said, Notre Dame might have had the most underwhelming undefeated season that I have ever seen. At the beginning of the season the schedule looked brutal but by the end you are wondering who did they beat and why weren’t they ever dominant. They beat Michigan and Vanderbilt and it was tough to tell the difference between the two. I’m a proud alum and all but this isn’t the best team I ever saw.
5) Clemson has players suspended, which will help Notre Dame’s chances. Also, I’ve always been a fan of Clemson’s uniforms so that will make the game even better.
6) In the end, I think Notre Dame’s defense keeps it close and the Irish break out a couple of long runs but they’ll need a couple of breaks to make it work out. Hoping for the best.

College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Capital One Orange Bowl
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 4 Oklahoma
8 p.m. ET, ESPN
Hard Rock Stadium
Miami Gardens, Florida

Does anyone go to a Hard Rock Café anymore? I assume that they are still a thing but it seems like a concept from a previous century. Also, does hard rock even exist as a thing? Without MTV it is impossible to know. This is the second half of the playoffs featuring a team you hate going up against a team you are rather indifferent about. Unless you are an Ohio State fan but we don’t care what you think anyway. I want Alabama to lose mainly because I am sick of Alabama winning all the time, which isn’t the optimal reason for a rooting interest but I’ll take what I can get.

Monday, Dec. 31
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Noon ET, ESPN
Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium
Annapolis, Maryland

There is something about the combination of the military industrial complex with the college athletics industrial complex that is either unsettling or inspired depending on your point of view. Also, I believe that this bowl is taking place in a stadium that is smaller than Virginia Tech’s home stadium by a large margin and that just feels wrong. It’s not as though the weather is going to be any different between Annapolis and Blacksburg. They could just make this a Virginia Tech home game, draw a larger crowd and everyone can go home happy. Especially are friends at Northrop Grumman whose mid-game commercial is just a guy in suit telling the camera “I’d tell you all the good that we do at Northrop Grumman but it’s classified. And also possibly not good in the true sense of the word.”

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford vs. Pittsburgh
2 p.m. ET, CBS
Sun Bowl Stadium
El Paso, Texas

This along with the Liberty Bowl might be the only two bowl games left that seem to be the same as I remember from when I was a kid. Sponsorships are minor, the games don’t really matter that much and they take place in cities that have no other major sports. It’s not the same as the days of the Blue Bonnet Bowl but I will take it. Stanford and Pitt are two schools that could make this a very interesting game or very dull depending on how much the players actually care. Sounds great on paper, might be less so in practice.

Redbox Bowl
Michigan State vs. Oregon
3 p.m. ET, Fox
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, Calif.

Ah, Redbox. Combining the old school video store experience of wondering if your movie is available with the thrill of being in a 7-11 parking lot at three in the morning. I literally feel safer standing outside an ATM then I do a Redbox machine. Also, just wondering but why are all these games on New Year’s Eve? New Year’s Eve is a Monday, it’s not a holiday and New Year’s Day is completely open for football yet only a handful of games are scheduled. Can’t we just once have things the way they used to be?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Missouri vs. Oklahoma State
3:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium
Memphis, Tennessee

So, a few years ago this would be a regular season Big 12 game. I don’t think that there is much else to say. It’s about as important as a regular season Big 12 game between two mid-pack teams.

San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Northwestern vs. Utah
7 p.m. ET, FS1
SDCCU Stadium
San Diego, Calif.

I say this all the time but I have no idea how the sponsorship for this bowl game works. The audience they are trying to reach are the citizens of San Diego County. Fair enough but a) Northwestern isn’t in San Diego county, b) Utah is not in San Diego County and c) the residents of San Diego County aren’t going to be spending New Year’s Eve at home watching a Northwestern – Utah game on FS1.

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl
NC State vs. Texas A&M
7:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
TIAA Bank Field
Jacksonville, Florida

In much the same manner as the Cure Bowl I believe that this game will be better served if it was just called the Slayer Bowl and featured Slayer playing a full concert during the game. It might also draw a larger crowd. This will be the last game of the year and will be what you watch at the bar before they turn on the live shot of people freezing in Times Square. Well, that is what you will watch if you go to a bar on New Year’s Eve. I prefer any other option, including going to Jacksonville.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Three

Some people open presents on Christmas morning. I preview bowl games. Look, Santa needs something to read…

Wednesday, Dec. 26
SERVPRO First Responder Bowl 
Boston College vs. Boise State
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Cotton Bowl
Dallas

For those of you keeping track this is the game that takes place in the Cotton Bowl but isn’t the Cotton Bowl and isn’t played on New Year’s Day. This is in comparison to the Cotton Bowl which isn’t played in the Cotton Bowl and also isn’t played on New Year’s Day. I asked Santa for consistency for Christmas but apparently that doesn’t fit in a stocking. I hope that we see a lot of hustle in the First Responder Bowl though I assume that none of the sponsors will be there as they will, you know, be responding to things. Also, is it still cool to like Boise State? They used to be the fun, small team to cheer for.

Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ford Field
Detroit

Illinois beat Minnesota this year. Yes, my Illini actually scored a victory over a bowl team this year. Ok, the underdog in the Quick Lane Bowl but still, at least it meant that we beat one team with a .500 record. Anyway, I will always contend that this game should be completed in thirty minutes or less otherwise it is free. I think that would be best for everyone involved as I don’t think that there will be a single person in the stadium who wants to be there. We could just have the two teams line up, have the bands play for thirty seconds, and have whoever wins the coin toss win the game and everyone could go home happy.

Cheez-It Bowl
California vs. TCU
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Chase Field
Phoenix

Somehow, I love the fact that there is some poor soul at Cal who has to hype to prospective students who are all basking in the Berkley mystique that “we also made it to the Cheez-It Bowl this year!” I also have never bought into the Berkley mystique mainly because I’m a Midwest kid who could never understand why anyone would want to live in California in the first place. Nice weather year round? What the hell are you thinking? Also, how is Wisconsin not in the Cheez-It Bowl? Complete missed marketing opportunity for a cheese inspired product that may, on occasion, contain actual cheese. Cheer for TCU because their nickname is the Horned Frogs and we need to encourage creative mascots whenever possible.

Thursday, Dec. 27
Walk-On's Independence Bowl
Temple vs. Duke
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Independence Stadium
Shreveport, Louisiana

This might be the first time when a game between Temple and Duke with the phrase Walk-On’s often spoken be about football instead of basketball. For those who have known me for a long time you should be aware that my Duke basketball fandom has ended after a good twenty plus year run. Partly because I don’t watch much college basketball anymore, partly because Duke has turned into every other corrupt program in the country and partly because they won’t give Christian Laettner another year of eligibility. Also, while I have no idea what Walk-On’s it is is a surprisingly tame sponsor for the Independence bowl. This is the game you watch only because ESPN2 has decided to broadcast a Magic the Gathering tournament and you are too bored to hit guide on your remote.


New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Miami vs. Wisconsin
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Yankee Stadium
New York

The nice thing about college football is that every year a few schools underperform and you end up with a low tier bowl game with a matchup that sounds really good. If it is September and I asked if you wanted to see Miami – Wisconsin in a bowl game you would be psyched. If I said you would be sitting in Yankee Stadium on a December night as well it would probably dampen your enthusiasm a degree or two. I have yet to see any reason why they have these outdoor cold weather bowl games (outside of the Idaho Bowl of course). At least the teams get to say they played in Yankee Stadium, which would mean something if it was the old Yankee Stadium but now it is just a stadium with the same name as a famous stadium.

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
Baylor vs. Vanderbilt
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
NRG Stadium
Houston

It is incredible to think that one day there were a number of people with decades of experience crowded around a conference table and saying, “So we agree, we’ll call the company Academy Sports and Outdoors.” Despite the fact that sports can be played indoors and outdoors and that the outdoors can be enjoyed via sports or other methods this still seems like the most awkward pairing of words imaginable. Thankfully the Texas Bowl is being played in Texas featuring a team from Texas so maybe Santa was just a little late in delivering consistency due to the government shutdown. Given that Baylor and Vanderbilt are both known for their medical schools at some point you have to wonder when the universities will decide that a) it is unethical to have a football team or b) having a football team provides a consistent stream of patients.

Friday, Dec. 28
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue vs. Auburn
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Nissan Stadium
Nashville, Tennessee

Back in the pre-sponsorship days this would be an awesome bowl name. “Welcome to the Music City Bowl here in wonderful Nashville, Tennessee!” Now it just reminds you that you have to pay the mortgage next week while wondering if we are in another housing bubble. I will say that Purdue’s destruction of Ohio State was the most fun I’ve had watching a football game in a long time. It’s great when the entire country can get behind an inspirational story of a student fighting cancer and see Ohio State get embarrassed at the same time. They should just replay that game instead.

Camping World Bowl
West Virginia vs. Syracuse
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

For the record, do we really need two Virginias? I know we joke about the Dakotas but West Virginia was part of Virginia until the civil war and could probably be recombined with no loss other than the ability to make jokes about West Virginia. For those who enjoy the wonders of conference realignment this is a great game between two former Big East rivals who now play in the Big 12 and ACC respectively. No wonder kids today have no sense of geography. We can’t even build a football conference correctly.

Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State vs. Washington State
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Alamodome
San Antonio, Texas

San Antonio is a very underrated city. No one lists it highly on their go-to vacation spots but everyone who has ever been there raves about it. Just keep that in mind for your future vacation plans. I also think that the word Valero should never be spoken but rather sung as though it is a car name in a 1960s commercial for a car made entirely out of steel with huge tail fins and the state of the art fuel mileage of five gallons to the mile. I also think that we should have Iowa State play Washington State simultaneously with an Iowa – Washington game. 22 players a side, state supremacy on the line.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Update: I am very interested / concerned by the fact that Tia Mowery from Sister, Sister starred in one of the movies. Not by the fact that she starred, she is a perfectly fine actress who fits all of the criteria of the female lead for a Hallmark Christmas movie, but by the fact that her sister Tamara was nowhere to be seen. It is very disconcerting to watch a star of Sister, Sister without, well, the other sister. I fear that this can only mean one of two things: A) Hallmark can only afford one sister or B) Tamara apparently suffered the same fate as Skeeter from Muppet Babies.

(We don’t talk about Skeeter. Ever.)

Anyway, here are the rest of the bowl games up to Christmas Day. You can either watch these games or go to the mall and, well, be stunned by the fact that there is still such a thing as a mall. Feel free to walk up to one of the people working at those mini-kiosks and ask them about their business plan.

Friday, Dec. 21

Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
FIU vs. Toledo
12:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Thomas A. Robinson National Stadium
Nassau, Bahamas

Toledo wins the bowl lottery this year as the team gets to leave Toledo to go to the Bahamas for a Friday afternoon game. That has to turn into at least a beach weekend for the players who decide not to declare political asylum to avoid being forced to return to Toledo. I’m not sure if Makers Wanted is a reference to Makers Mark or if the Bahamas is simply in great need of people who actually make things. Or there could be some criminal mastermind named Makers and this is the equivalent of Bahamas Most Wanted. If someone could watch the game and let me know I would really appreciate it.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Western Michigan vs. BYU
4 p.m. ET, ESPN
Lyle Smith Field at Albertsons Stadium
Boise, Idaho

And Western Michigan loses the bowl lottery by having to play at the only location worse than Western Michigan. I still contend that the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl sounds like the 8th choice for value meals at KFC which consists of mashed potatoes, a bowl made out of day old French fries, and whatever vaguely food-like items are within reach at the moment the order is placed. Also, “Lyle Smith” may possibly the most Boise, Idaho name possible. All that said, this has always been a favorite bowl game of mine with the blue turf, mountains in the background, and absolutely no reason for existing.

Saturday, Dec. 22

Jared Birmingham Bowl
Memphis vs. Wake Forest
Noon ET, ESPN
Legion Field
Birmingham, Alabama

We went to Jared for our bowl game! I have a feeling that the Memphis and Wake Forest players had the same expression on their faces as any woman whose boyfriend gets down on one knee and pulls out a box from Jared. Sure, the gesture is nice and all but by accepting you are just admitting that you are going to settle for the first available option.

(Completely different subject: for some reason I was thinking about what I would have put on an internet dating profile if I had done one back in the day. My first two thoughts were “Look, you could do worse” and “If we went out it will at least get your mom to stop asking questions about when you’ll meet someone for a few months.” How I’ve been married for seven and a half years is a complete mystery.)

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Houston vs. Army
3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Amon G. Carter Stadium
Fort Worth, Texas

I’m not sure if it is fitting or simply unfair that Army gets to play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Lockheed Martin is the sponsor of the bowl game as well as one of the teams. Still, it is great to see that Army has come back after some really down football years. I always like watching the military academy teams given that these are some of the few student-athletes playing for the reasons that people always give for what is noble about college athletics.

Dollar General Bowl
Buffalo vs. Troy
7 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ladd-Peebles Stadium
Mobile, Alabama

Somehow if you asked me to pick the two most fitting teams in college football to play in a game sponsored by Dollar General I am fairly confident that Buffalo and Troy would be chosen. This is the second ESPN game of the day from Alabama and I wonder if they will use the same announcers for both. They could at least spotlight a few fans who decide to hit both games as I sure would try to pull off that double. Oh, and Buffalo is in a bowl and not Illinois. I’m just saying that while Lovie Smith’s beard is impressive but I would like to see a little more progress.

SoFi Hawai'i Bowl
Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii
10:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Aloha Stadium
Honolulu

Hawaii is playing in the Hawaii Bowl in Hawaii. While this seems completely redundant it is actually sensible because historically this is the bowl that schools hate because they always lose money for accepting a berth to. Between the travel costs for sending the team / cheerleaders / band and the fact that they never sell their allotment of tickets because their fans aren’t going to drop their Christmas plans to head to Hawaii there is little reason to want to play in the game. Thankfully athletic directors are always up for a free Hawaii vacation and Hawaii has no desire to play in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. There are worse things you could do on Saturday Night than watch this game but most of those involve starting a run on Bailey Brothers Savings and Loan, which is something I suspect SoFi is planning at this very moment.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part One

It’s that time of year again! The leaves have fallen, snow may or may not be on the ground and Amazon employees are dropping from exhaustion. Yes, it is college bowl season! As is tradition I will preview every single bowl game so you know just how to best avoid any and all family members as well as human contact of any kind. Because if there is one thing we all appreciate during the holiday season it is watching unpaid twenty year olds suffer catastrophic knee injuries.

I will start with the pre-Christmas bowl games through December 20th. You do not have to watch these games unless the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie stars Candace Cameron-Bure. If the movie stars either Alicia Witt or Ashley Williams then please promptly turn to the Hallmark Channel. If you see the smile and short stature of Lacey Chabert on the channel where everyone is always having hot cocoa and preparing for the Winter Carnival then flip a coin.

Saturday, December 15

Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
North Carolina A&T vs. Alcorn State
Noon ET, ABC
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia

Instead of commentators I really think this game would be best served by having Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” being played on a continuous loop. To be fair, pretty much every moment of existence would be improved by having Celebration playing in the background. It would be more convenient if Air Force was playing in the Air Force Reserve bowl but if there is one thing I’ve learned from bowl game sponsorships it’s that Poulan makes a damn fine Weed Eater. Anyway, these two schools get to be on TV without having to play an SEC team in the process so it’s a win on all fronts.

New Mexico Bowl Presented by Progressive
Utah State vs. North Texas
2 PM ET, ESPN
Branch Field at Dreamstyle Stadium, Albuquerque, New Mexico

Somehow the words “Utah State”, “North Texas” and “Progressive” really don’t seem to belong in the same sentence. I also don’t know what Dreamstyle Stadium looks like and I am scared to even use Google to find out. I don’t even want to know what Dreamstyle is or how they raised enough money to pay for a stadium sponsorship. This is one of the games that features two teams that you went an entire season without seeing a single game or highlight from but you do get scenic pictures of New Mexico and Flo will be performing the ceremonial coin toss so you have that going for you.

AutoNation Cure Bowl
Tulane vs. Louisiana
2:30 PM ET, CBSSN
Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida

Saturday is great for the Cure Bowl don’t you think? Sigh. Every year I make a Cure reference and every year I realize that more and more people have no clue what I am talking about, including undoubtedly every single player in this game. Don’t grow old kids, or at least force your definition of pop culture to remain relevant for as long as you can. I’m cheering for Tulane because a) they’re in New Orleans and b) I’m not sure which of the former Louisiana schools this one is. I think it is Louisiana-Lafayette but I could be wrong. Either way, lots of gumbo at the tailgates for this one.

Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Fresno State vs. Arizona State
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas, Nevada

To the thrill of everyone in Las Vegas, this bowl game doesn’t feature BYU. You might think I’m kidding but BYU played in this game for five straight years. I mean, they filled the stadium with the “Bring one Sister Wife, bring the others for free” promotion but there has never been a worst pairing of city and school for a bowl game. This will be a game of some sort, featuring schools you actually know of with student bodies that, well, settled on their safety school. Sometimes you have games where both teams have the same mascot; this time you have two schools who share the motto “We’re accredited, honest”.

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Georgia Southern vs. Eastern Michigan
5:30 PM ET, ESPN
Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Alabama

This game is totally the non-union equivalent of the Outback Bowl. You can just hear the announcers breathlessly discussing this matchup between Georgia *cough* Southern and *whisper* Eastern Michigan. I also want to say that for you parents out there Cramton would make a wonderful all purpose swear word that you could say in front of a child. I figure that since Georgia would be Michigan that Southern Georgia would beat Eastern Michigan but that is pretty much all I’ve got here.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Middle Tennessee vs. Appalachian State
9 PM ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Finally a game featuring a team I saw this year as Appalachian State nearly upset Penn State to start the season. That should give you a good indication on who to pick in this game. Now why precisely you’d want to spend your Saturday night in New Orleans watching this game is another story. Sure, it is always fun to watch a game but there are other options.

Tuesday, December 18

Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl
UAB vs. Northern Illinois
7 PM ET, ESPN
Howard Schnellenberger Field at FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, Flordia

As a resident of South Florida I can say that everything south of Tampa / Orlando can be placed into one of four categories: 1) the style and glamour of South Beach, 2) the wackiness of Key West, 3) Swamps, lots and lots of swamps and 4) gated communities in which hearses are kept on speed dial. I’m surprised this is a night game because most people down here don’t like to drive when it’s dark out and it’s after the early bird dinner specials. Anyway, this game also lets me rant that both UAB, which disbanded its football program a few years ago, and Northern Illinois both made a bowl game while Illinois did not. Life just isn’t fair.

(Also, I assume that you can make your own Cheribundi joke. I’ll go with she was my favorite character on Married with Children.)

Wednesday, December 19

DXL Frisco Bowl
San Diego State vs. Ohio
8 PM, ESPN
Toyota Stadium, Frisco, Texas

ESPN is telling me that this game exists. However, I do not have confirmation that there is such a place as “Frisco, Texas” or how they became home to a bowl game. It is possible that this game is taking place in one of those fake cities that they put on maps for copyright protection purposes. I’m just saying that if the two teams mysteriously disappear like they entered Night Vale don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thursday, December 20

Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall vs. South Florida
8 PM ET, ESPN
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

Given that the motto of Tampa is “As seen on Cops” I will allow the Bad Boy Mowers sponsorship. This is a tough game to call since a) South Florida is playing at home and b) South Florida nearly lost to Illinois. I think the latter will outrank the former. Also, on an unrelated note, do bearded hipsters go into bars and order drinks of Sasparilla? That seems totally like something a bearded hipster would do. Also, are we done with the whole bearded hipster movement yet? That is a trend that has lasted far too long.

Next time: the rest of the pre-Christmas festivities!

All a poet can do is warn

Preface

This book is not about heroes. English poetry is not yet fit to speak of them.

Nor is it about deeds, or lands, nor anything about glory, honour, might, majesty, dominion, or power, except War

Above all I am not concerned with Poetry,

My subject is War and the pity of War,

The Poetry is in the pity.

Yet these elegies are to this generation in no sense consolatory, They may be to the next. All a poet can do today is warn. That is why the true Poets must be truthful.

(If I thought the letter of this book would last, I might have used proper names; but if the spirit of it survives - survives Prussia - my ambition and those names will have achieved themselves fresher fields than Flanders...)

Wilfred Owen
1st Lieutenant, Manchester Regiment, 2nd Manchester Rifles
March 18, 1893 - November 4, 1918
Honored amongst the war poets in Poets Corner at Westminster Abbey

Tranquility base, here I come

Today marks my ninetieth straight day of meditating. This means that either I have reached total enlightenment and have become one with the universe or I have become addicted to the dopamine ping of clicking on an app and having it say “Congratulations, you have been clicking on me every day! Aren’t you special!”

Yeah, smart money is on the latter.

But, this is the longest I have been able to keep up with the goal of meditating for ten minutes a day and I’ve been pleased with it for the most part. For those wondering I use the Headspace app, which hits the right notes for me in having directions that are simple and clear and are spoken in a calm, British voice which makes you feel as though someone is making a cup of tea in the background. I don’t even drink tea but it just gets you in the mindset of being relaxed for a moment.

(On the other hand, the Calm app is filled with nature sounds and lots of talk about getting in touch with your inner self, which just makes me feel as though bugs are crawling all over me while I am reminded of how much of a failure I have been at life. Also, while I am a fan of Sam Harris and have used some of his meditations in the past he tends to quickly go from “now close your eyes and focus on your breathing” to “realize there is no such thing as self” to “you do understand that free will is an illusion and we are all just a set of sub-atomic particles following a direct course dictated by the laws of physics” really, really quickly. It’s not that I don’t want to explore his ideas or even that I disagree with them. It’s just that I would rather put that on my to do list because otherwise I tend to find myself curled up in a corner muttering about how we are all living in a computer simulation.

Yes, determining if we are living in a computer simulation is on my to do list. Right now I’m concerned that the ultimate programmer is worse at writing code than I am.)

Anyway, I will say that taking ten minutes a day to sit in silence and try to clear my head has been useful. Not that I ever make it through all ten minutes uninterrupted but at least I am making that time for myself. It’s helped my mood and my anxiety is slightly better. The most interesting thing so far is that it seems to have helped me fall asleep faster. It’s been a lot easier to quiet my mind at night and fall asleep which is a wonder for someone who has dealt with endless nights of thoughts racing through my head. So, haven’t reached nirvana yet but it has at least shown some benefits.


Have a good weekend everyone. 

Send in the clowns...

I figured that I would share the scariest picture that I could find tonight. I’m pretty sure it can’t be beat. The depressing circular tables, the unergonomic chairs and the horrifying ennui of a little used hotel conference room.

Oh, and the clowns. Definitely the clowns. There is no way in the world that the second one on the left hasn’t left a few bodies hastily disposed of in a forest.

I’m not sure if the intense fear of clowns is new or just something I’ve become more aware of over the years. My grandmother collected little clown figurines and I have a few of hers on my desk at home as a reminder of her. It’s really tough for me to view clowns as scary in that regard. They just remind me of grandma’s house.

This picture, on the other hand…

I think there are a few reasons why clowns terrify people. Some of it must go back to childhood birthday parties where this giant person in outrageous makeup and costume acts crazy in front of you and instead of finding it funny you have no idea how to react because this thing is the exact opposite of everything that you have encountered in your entire life. Also, your average birthday clown isn’t particularly funny and balloon animals are highly overrated.

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In my mind what makes people scared of clowns is that there makeup and costume makes them impossible to read. They are so outlandish and noticeable that our minds can’t grasp their motivations. The white makeup erases your ability to focus on any facial expressions other than the big red nose. The wigs freak you out because of the fact that they clearly are wigs and it puts them in that uncanny valley between people and pictures. Add in the baggy, oversized clothing that drives you to insane thoughts about what might be hiding amongst the folds and you have the stuff of nightmares.

So just remember tonight that in the Ramada off that highway exit that you’ve never seen anyone actually take, in a back corner conference room reserved for a “Cereal Convention” this scene is taking place. Beware.

The enormity of tiny actions

Occasionally on Facebook I will reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in years. Inevitably I start off by saying, “I apologize if I was ever an asshole to you in the past. I didn’t mean to but it is only recently that I’ve realized that the way I view myself and the ways others view me is not always the same thing.”

This opening may also be why most people don’t reply back. That and the fact that getting in touch via Facebook is so 2008…

Anyway, as I have gotten older I’ve realized just how clueless we are in understanding the role we play in other people’s lives. We all view ourselves as the hero of our own story with the camera constantly focused on us and us alone. Since we are the focus of our own lives it just seems natural that others would view things the same way. I think the first time most people really understand the disconnect is that first unrequited crush where the other person is your everything but to them you are nothing but a passing glance.

Even with that knowledge we still walk around oblivious to the fact that what we do impacts others. I’m only now realizing that things that I said that I felt were jokes that played off my dry and dark sense of humor were just viewed by other people as being mean. (I’ve also realized that many of my jokes aren’t nearly as funny as I thought they were though I still feel that is because I am too cutting edge. I’m just working on a different level, man.) I’m trying to keep in mind that what I say or do can have an impact on someone else even if I have no intention or knowledge of it. We are all the heroes of our own lives while alternating between villains and supporting characters and extras in those around us and we are never quite sure where we are being cast.

Still, it is important to remember the difference you can make in someone’s life through an action that is small.

Ages ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and my Commodore 64 was the epitome of technology, I was part of a teenage Catholic youth retreat in Chicago. One of those events where you put a lot of teens together and tell them that they are our future without giving them any guidance or even an explanation that the future is going to need a lot of work due to the mistakes that everyone else made in the past. Being a teenager who is aware of the future is like the person walking into the house the morning after the party. You can see that everyone had a lot of fun last night but you are going to be the one on their hands and knees scrubbing the vomit off of the tile floor before mom comes home.

Anyway, I will never forget one thing that happened to me at this event. We were all supposed to go around to various people and pray with them. It sounds odd to start and add a bunch of teenagers who don’t know each other and you can just feel the awkwardness rising. Surprisingly, I never seemed to have a problem with this. I did what I was told, completed the exercise, and was waiting for the next step when near the end this girl grabbed me and asked if I would pray with her. I was going to mutter something about how I had already done one of these but decided to be nice and listen. Which is pretty much all I did. I sat there and listened and paid attention.

After everyone was done they went around and asked people to talk about their experiences. We’re talking about a room of several hundred people so it was easy to just fade into the background and disappear. You’re just a face in the crowd. Except once I realized that the girl I just prayed with was coming up to the microphone I suddenly wasn’t. And when she explained how she walked around for minutes, terrified about coming up to some stranger and talking to them and how at the last minute she turned to this one guy who looked nice and was stunned to find that he listened and cared about what she had to say made her completely rethink what people can be.

I was stunned because I had no idea I had this impact.

I don’t remember her name. I don’t think I ever knew her name. What she said was probably the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me in my entire life. What I did may have been the nicest act I’ve ever done and I was oblivious to it. I’ll never forget it though. People never forget how you make them feel.

Still battling, different current

In a week or so this blog will be fourteen years old, which would either make it a very old eighth grader or a very young freshman in high school. Fall birthdays are the worst no matter how you cut it.

I started writing Battling the Current because I was confounded by where I had found myself in life. I was living in Kansas City with few friends, a job that wasn’t very satisfying, no social life to speak of and an overwhelming feeling that I was struggling against this flow of mediocrity and boredom that was driving me to bitterness. Hence the title, I was battling the current state of my life and the world around me.

(Funny sidebar. I started writing in November 2004 because I was so upset about politics and Bush being reelected. Remember when that was the worst thing that anyone could imagine in politics? Do you know what I would give right now to go back to that time? Hell, do you know what I would give to just not be appalled by watching the news every day?)

Anyway, so I started posting five nights a week about whatever was on my mind. It turned into a mix of pop culture analysis and bar stories with a disturbing level of focus on the daily activities of Lindsay Lohan. What it really captured was my life in my early 30’s as I tried to figure out who I was, what I was supposed to do with my life and find someone who would be willing to share the journey with me. The blog ended up being what I deemed vaguely successful. I had an actual readership; stunned that people I didn’t know read it and horrified that people I knew read it as well. It’s a wonderful little time capsule of my life.

Then a funny thing happened. I actually found all of those things that I was searching for.

Ok, that is not entirely true. I don’t think anyone ever figures out the fullness of their life, especially in their 30’s, but my life made a spectacular turn. Mainly, I finally met the woman of my dreams. Met her again to be more precise but this time we were at the right time in our lives and suddenly all of those late nights at bars talking to random women were replaced with, well, married life. And the blog slowly faded away…

There were a lot of reasons. Most of my focus was on marriage and my job and I had always kept a hard and fast rule to never write about either. Life grew busier and busier and I could barely find time to think, much less spend time each night writing about reality television. Some of my luck in life changed and to quote the Drive By Truckers I was spending most of my time trying to keep it in between the ditches. It was hard for me to find time to write and even when I did I couldn’t go back to writing the way I did before.

But the thing is I really need to write. I feel much better when I do and it is much easier for me to express myself through a keyboard than out loud (though my grammar will always leave much to be desired). And I think I have figured out what to write about and what my goal is going to be this time around.

My plan is just to write about the little things in life. Some bits of beauty or joy or laughter or just thoughts about the world that hit me. Sure there may be some pop culture commentary in there but I hope to keep things light and positive. Everything around us is so dark and caustic and it is so easy to find ourselves drawn into the muck. My goal is to stay away from politics and far, far away from hatred and just focus on the good that is around us. Toss in some old story ideas as well along with some music suggestions because that was always one of my favorite parts of the blog.

The main thing is that I’m going to keep these posts short. I’m borrowing this whole idea from my favorite author Jonathan Carroll whose book The Crow’s Dinner is basically a compilation of pieces like I just described. In fact, I will be using a lot of pictures and quotes that he has shared online because they inspire me. But the main thing is that I’m not going to focus on hitting a word count or a readership level or anything more than writing about some of the beauty around us.

We will see how far this goes. I can’t guarantee anything but it might be nice to have a corner of the internet to myself again.

Test of the Emergency Blogging System

This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender gazes down at him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks up at the bartender in confusion and says quizzically "You have a drink named Steve?"

This has been a test of the Emergency Blogging System. If this was actual content it....it....probably would be very similar.