Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Update: I am very interested / concerned by the fact that Tia Mowery from Sister, Sister starred in one of the movies. Not by the fact that she starred, she is a perfectly fine actress who fits all of the criteria of the female lead for a Hallmark Christmas movie, but by the fact that her sister Tamara was nowhere to be seen. It is very disconcerting to watch a star of Sister, Sister without, well, the other sister. I fear that this can only mean one of two things: A) Hallmark can only afford one sister or B) Tamara apparently suffered the same fate as Skeeter from Muppet Babies.
(We don’t talk about Skeeter. Ever.)
Anyway, here are the rest of the bowl games up to Christmas Day. You can either watch these games or go to the mall and, well, be stunned by the fact that there is still such a thing as a mall. Feel free to walk up to one of the people working at those mini-kiosks and ask them about their business plan.
Friday, Dec. 21
Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
FIU vs. Toledo
12:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Thomas A. Robinson National Stadium
Nassau, Bahamas
Toledo wins the bowl lottery this year as the team gets to leave Toledo to go to the Bahamas for a Friday afternoon game. That has to turn into at least a beach weekend for the players who decide not to declare political asylum to avoid being forced to return to Toledo. I’m not sure if Makers Wanted is a reference to Makers Mark or if the Bahamas is simply in great need of people who actually make things. Or there could be some criminal mastermind named Makers and this is the equivalent of Bahamas Most Wanted. If someone could watch the game and let me know I would really appreciate it.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Western Michigan vs. BYU
4 p.m. ET, ESPN
Lyle Smith Field at Albertsons Stadium
Boise, Idaho
And Western Michigan loses the bowl lottery by having to play at the only location worse than Western Michigan. I still contend that the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl sounds like the 8th choice for value meals at KFC which consists of mashed potatoes, a bowl made out of day old French fries, and whatever vaguely food-like items are within reach at the moment the order is placed. Also, “Lyle Smith” may possibly the most Boise, Idaho name possible. All that said, this has always been a favorite bowl game of mine with the blue turf, mountains in the background, and absolutely no reason for existing.
Saturday, Dec. 22
Jared Birmingham Bowl
Memphis vs. Wake Forest
Noon ET, ESPN
Legion Field
Birmingham, Alabama
We went to Jared for our bowl game! I have a feeling that the Memphis and Wake Forest players had the same expression on their faces as any woman whose boyfriend gets down on one knee and pulls out a box from Jared. Sure, the gesture is nice and all but by accepting you are just admitting that you are going to settle for the first available option.
(Completely different subject: for some reason I was thinking about what I would have put on an internet dating profile if I had done one back in the day. My first two thoughts were “Look, you could do worse” and “If we went out it will at least get your mom to stop asking questions about when you’ll meet someone for a few months.” How I’ve been married for seven and a half years is a complete mystery.)
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Houston vs. Army
3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Amon G. Carter Stadium
Fort Worth, Texas
I’m not sure if it is fitting or simply unfair that Army gets to play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Lockheed Martin is the sponsor of the bowl game as well as one of the teams. Still, it is great to see that Army has come back after some really down football years. I always like watching the military academy teams given that these are some of the few student-athletes playing for the reasons that people always give for what is noble about college athletics.
Dollar General Bowl
Buffalo vs. Troy
7 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ladd-Peebles Stadium
Mobile, Alabama
Somehow if you asked me to pick the two most fitting teams in college football to play in a game sponsored by Dollar General I am fairly confident that Buffalo and Troy would be chosen. This is the second ESPN game of the day from Alabama and I wonder if they will use the same announcers for both. They could at least spotlight a few fans who decide to hit both games as I sure would try to pull off that double. Oh, and Buffalo is in a bowl and not Illinois. I’m just saying that while Lovie Smith’s beard is impressive but I would like to see a little more progress.
SoFi Hawai'i Bowl
Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii
10:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Aloha Stadium
Honolulu
Hawaii is playing in the Hawaii Bowl in Hawaii. While this seems completely redundant it is actually sensible because historically this is the bowl that schools hate because they always lose money for accepting a berth to. Between the travel costs for sending the team / cheerleaders / band and the fact that they never sell their allotment of tickets because their fans aren’t going to drop their Christmas plans to head to Hawaii there is little reason to want to play in the game. Thankfully athletic directors are always up for a free Hawaii vacation and Hawaii has no desire to play in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. There are worse things you could do on Saturday Night than watch this game but most of those involve starting a run on Bailey Brothers Savings and Loan, which is something I suspect SoFi is planning at this very moment.
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