It’s that time of year again! The leaves have fallen, snow may or may not be on the ground and Amazon employees are dropping from exhaustion. Yes, it is college bowl season! As is tradition I will preview every single bowl game so you know just how to best avoid any and all family members as well as human contact of any kind. Because if there is one thing we all appreciate during the holiday season it is watching unpaid twenty year olds suffer catastrophic knee injuries.
I will start with the pre-Christmas bowl games through December 20th. You do not have to watch these games unless the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie stars Candace Cameron-Bure. If the movie stars either Alicia Witt or Ashley Williams then please promptly turn to the Hallmark Channel. If you see the smile and short stature of Lacey Chabert on the channel where everyone is always having hot cocoa and preparing for the Winter Carnival then flip a coin.
Saturday, December 15
Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
North Carolina A&T vs. Alcorn State
Noon ET, ABC
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia
Instead of commentators I really think this game would be best served by having Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” being played on a continuous loop. To be fair, pretty much every moment of existence would be improved by having Celebration playing in the background. It would be more convenient if Air Force was playing in the Air Force Reserve bowl but if there is one thing I’ve learned from bowl game sponsorships it’s that Poulan makes a damn fine Weed Eater. Anyway, these two schools get to be on TV without having to play an SEC team in the process so it’s a win on all fronts.
New Mexico Bowl Presented by Progressive
Utah State vs. North Texas
2 PM ET, ESPN
Branch Field at Dreamstyle Stadium, Albuquerque, New Mexico
Somehow the words “Utah State”, “North Texas” and “Progressive” really don’t seem to belong in the same sentence. I also don’t know what Dreamstyle Stadium looks like and I am scared to even use Google to find out. I don’t even want to know what Dreamstyle is or how they raised enough money to pay for a stadium sponsorship. This is one of the games that features two teams that you went an entire season without seeing a single game or highlight from but you do get scenic pictures of New Mexico and Flo will be performing the ceremonial coin toss so you have that going for you.
AutoNation Cure Bowl
Tulane vs. Louisiana
2:30 PM ET, CBSSN
Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida
Saturday is great for the Cure Bowl don’t you think? Sigh. Every year I make a Cure reference and every year I realize that more and more people have no clue what I am talking about, including undoubtedly every single player in this game. Don’t grow old kids, or at least force your definition of pop culture to remain relevant for as long as you can. I’m cheering for Tulane because a) they’re in New Orleans and b) I’m not sure which of the former Louisiana schools this one is. I think it is Louisiana-Lafayette but I could be wrong. Either way, lots of gumbo at the tailgates for this one.
Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Fresno State vs. Arizona State
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas, Nevada
To the thrill of everyone in Las Vegas, this bowl game doesn’t feature BYU. You might think I’m kidding but BYU played in this game for five straight years. I mean, they filled the stadium with the “Bring one Sister Wife, bring the others for free” promotion but there has never been a worst pairing of city and school for a bowl game. This will be a game of some sort, featuring schools you actually know of with student bodies that, well, settled on their safety school. Sometimes you have games where both teams have the same mascot; this time you have two schools who share the motto “We’re accredited, honest”.
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Georgia Southern vs. Eastern Michigan
5:30 PM ET, ESPN
Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Alabama
This game is totally the non-union equivalent of the Outback Bowl. You can just hear the announcers breathlessly discussing this matchup between Georgia *cough* Southern and *whisper* Eastern Michigan. I also want to say that for you parents out there Cramton would make a wonderful all purpose swear word that you could say in front of a child. I figure that since Georgia would be Michigan that Southern Georgia would beat Eastern Michigan but that is pretty much all I’ve got here.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Middle Tennessee vs. Appalachian State
9 PM ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana
Finally a game featuring a team I saw this year as Appalachian State nearly upset Penn State to start the season. That should give you a good indication on who to pick in this game. Now why precisely you’d want to spend your Saturday night in New Orleans watching this game is another story. Sure, it is always fun to watch a game but there are other options.
Tuesday, December 18
Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl
UAB vs. Northern Illinois
7 PM ET, ESPN
Howard Schnellenberger Field at FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, Flordia
As a resident of South Florida I can say that everything south of Tampa / Orlando can be placed into one of four categories: 1) the style and glamour of South Beach, 2) the wackiness of Key West, 3) Swamps, lots and lots of swamps and 4) gated communities in which hearses are kept on speed dial. I’m surprised this is a night game because most people down here don’t like to drive when it’s dark out and it’s after the early bird dinner specials. Anyway, this game also lets me rant that both UAB, which disbanded its football program a few years ago, and Northern Illinois both made a bowl game while Illinois did not. Life just isn’t fair.
(Also, I assume that you can make your own Cheribundi joke. I’ll go with she was my favorite character on Married with Children.)
Wednesday, December 19
DXL Frisco Bowl
San Diego State vs. Ohio
8 PM, ESPN
Toyota Stadium, Frisco, Texas
ESPN is telling me that this game exists. However, I do not have confirmation that there is such a place as “Frisco, Texas” or how they became home to a bowl game. It is possible that this game is taking place in one of those fake cities that they put on maps for copyright protection purposes. I’m just saying that if the two teams mysteriously disappear like they entered Night Vale don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thursday, December 20
Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall vs. South Florida
8 PM ET, ESPN
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida
Given that the motto of Tampa is “As seen on Cops” I will allow the Bad Boy Mowers sponsorship. This is a tough game to call since a) South Florida is playing at home and b) South Florida nearly lost to Illinois. I think the latter will outrank the former. Also, on an unrelated note, do bearded hipsters go into bars and order drinks of Sasparilla? That seems totally like something a bearded hipster would do. Also, are we done with the whole bearded hipster movement yet? That is a trend that has lasted far too long.
Next time: the rest of the pre-Christmas festivities!
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