2011 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Let’s take on the next set of bowl games as we make our way through the New Year’s Eve.

December 28th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: Toledo vs. Air Force (4:30 PM, ESPN): Somehow I can never imagine Northrop Grumman as a bowl sponsor. I am not even sure what a Northrop Grumman commercial would look like. Maybe it is just “We’d like to tell you just how awesome we are as a company but that is classified information. So instead let’s just look at puppies frolicking in the grass for 30 seconds. Northrop Grumman: Any company that loves puppies couldn’t possibly be evil.” Look, it is the Military Bowl so you have to cheer for Air Force though Toledo gets points for being the Rockets.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: California vs. Texas (8 PM, ESPN): A less than quality matchup in the Holiday Bowl, which usually features two teams that eschew defense and encourage brining Jim Brown out of retirement for one last game. Though there is the possibility of Colt McCoy could return because, well, it’s not like he has much else to do right now and could use to get away from Cleveland for a week. Texas is having a poor year and Cal is one of those schools that are annoying in every aspect. Athletically, academically, hell, even their mascot is annoying. Their main rival is Stanford for crying out loud. I have to cheer for Texas simply so that I won’t have to feel the need to immediately take a shower after the game.

December 29th
Champs Sports Bowl: Florida State vs. Notre Dame (5:30 PM, ESPN): Here is the highlight for Notre Dame this year: we went an entire regular season without anyone dying. That is how bad I still feel about last season. Hell, I lost hope for this season five minutes into our first game when our opening drive results in a fumble that is returned 95 yards for a touchdown, followed by the game suspended by a massive thunderstorm and concluded with a loss to South Florida. At worst, we should be 10-2 with losses to USC and Stanford, resulting in maybe a BCS bowl or at least a nice game in January. Instead it is a bowl game between two teams that totally underachieved sponsored by that really crappy shoe store at the mall. I know that I could talk about the legendary rivalry between the two teams but that would imply that both teams are worthy of a rivalry. On the plus side, we do get one more game of Brian Kelly screaming at 19 year olds and that is always a good thing.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Washington vs. Baylor (9 PM, ESPN): For the record, San Antonio is an incredibly underrated city. The Riverwalk is a blast and it is a really fun place to spend a few days. The Alamodome is an odd stadium though; it seems to have been designed for every sport other than football. Anyway, this is your Heisman Trophy winner game featuring the only Heisman Trophy winner that no one actually watched over the course of a season. Traditionally this results in the winner playing so horribly that we wish we could retroactively announce the results. Washington is a state in the Pacific Northwest. Sorry, I don’t have anything witty to say besides that. Well, that and I assume that the halftime show is just a bunch of people singing “Valero”.

December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: BYU vs. Tulsa (Noon, ESPN): This game is being played at Gerald J. Ford Stadium so expect a lot of stumbles, fumbles, interceptions and references to ending a national nightmare. Surprisingly though this game is in Dallas given that Gerald Ford a) represented Michigan, b) played for the University of Michigan and c) Michigan plays in Lyndon B. Johnson Memorial Stadium. Also, this game suffers from only having Air Force make the bowls from the service academies. You can’t have a Military Bowl and an Armed Forces Bowl and only allow one military school to play. They should just let Air Force play in both games. Also, if someone could explain to me why a school in Oklahoma is nicknamed the “Golden Hurricane” when a) they don’t have a coastline and b) that nickname seems to be just asking for a double entendre.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers vs. Iowa State (3:20 PM, ESPN): No, I have no idea why the game is scheduled to start at 3:20. Maybe they want to be careful not to have any overlap with the exciting conclusion of the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. This is the game played in Yankee Stadium for those who like their football played the old fashioned way: in a baseball stadium that wasn’t in any way designed for football featuring a crowd made up of guido and guidettes complaining about how they can’t show off their tans under all of their layers. Has Snooki officially become the mascot of Rutgers yet? The fact that Rutgers is the state college of New Jersey but in no way associates itself with the state in its own name tells you an awful lot about the state. I almost went to grad school at Iowa State because I realized that the only places one should study for master’s degrees in electrical engineering is in cities where when you look out your window all you see is corn. That is the only thing that can make looking at circuit diagrams sound like an exciting alternative,

(Bonus Jersey Shore rant: So Kim and I watch Jersey Shore because there is no greater comedy on the air right now. The best way to watch the show is to realize the each of the people on the show is trying to get airtime to further their own careers while simultaneously trying to cash in what little fame they have. Thus you have Vinnie acting nice because he is trying to make his way into an acting career and J-Woww acts like a mom half the time because she is this close to a guest host gig on the View (or at least becoming an Access Hollywood correspondent). On the other hand, Situation is just trying to get as much airtime as possible to up his appearance fees because the second the show goes off the air he is going to drop off the face of the earth. Ron and Sammie are forced to realize that as long as the show is on the air they are going to have to alternately act like a couple or fight because otherwise they have nothing to do. And Snookie and Deena have reached the point where random strangers are about to stage an intervention for them. Seriously MTV, at some point watching people get blackout drunk in the afternoon stops being funny. Pauly D is cool, though.)

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Wake Forest (6:40 PM, ESPN): For crying out loud ESPN, you have multiple networks. Use them so that we have start times that make at least some sense. Besides, I’d recommend starting this game earlier due to the high probability that the stadium will file for foreclosure at some point in the second quarter. Ah, real estate lending humor, nothing better in the world. Anyway, Mississippi State is coached by the guy who I have heard mentioned the most often as the new Penn State coach so that might give you a reason to watch the game as well. Wake Forest is the alma mater of the legendary Brian Picolo so if you watch Brian’s Song you technically get credit for watching this game as well. It will also encourage you to dust more often as I always get something caught in my eye at the end of the film.

Insight Bowl: Iowa vs. Oklahoma (10 PM, ESPN): I always love bowl games named after general concepts. We’ve lost the Humanitarian Bowl but we still have the Insight Bowl. A Revelation Bowl would also be pretty cool though a Polite Dismissal of a Poorly Developed Theorem Bowl would probably have a hard time getting sponsorship. As an Illini I cannot in good conscience cheer for Iowa in everything including the production of corn. It really is the most hated rival for those of us who went to the school in the early 90’s and had to deal with four years of crappy basketball teams because of Bruce Pearl’s secret recording sessions. I still hate that bastard. I can’t recall the last time that Oklahoma was forced to play a bowl game in December. I don’t know if anyone has informed them that even though the game is in Arizona that it is not the Fiesta Bowl. Maybe we should all just act as if it is the Fiesta Bowl to make them feel better.

December 31st
Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Northwestern (Noon, ESPN): I understand the independence movement is strong in Texas but I don’t think that they have to go so far as declare their own sovereign version of Meineke Car Care. If the union of Meineke Car Care dealerships cannot be preserved then we are all doomed. Texas A&M is headed off to the SEC and is actually a worse fit for the conference than Missouri. Hell, they are a worse fit than Vanderbilt. At least Vanderbilt has the southern genteel style and the belief that wearing a sport coat to a football game makes it much easier to sneak in alcohol. Texas A&M games seem to always resemble one large ROTC meeting and I can’t see that meshing with schools where people hold up rolls of toilet paper and boxes of Tide at regular intervals. This is also another one of those games where the bowl decided to take a Big Ten school not named Penn State because they didn’t want to be associated with the controversy, which is just stunning if you know how bowl games work. All bowl games care about is getting people to travel to the game and how the city of Houston could think that they will get more Northwestern alums to travel to a game then Penn State is insane. And that is not even getting into the difference in ratings. Plus, given that Illinois beat Northwestern this year for the trophy formerly referred to as the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk they should be in this game anyway.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Utah (2 PM, CBS): Finally a bowl game that is not on the ESPN family of networks. Utah joined the PAC 12 this year and I don’t think that anyone noticed. To be honest, Urban Meyer may have still been secretly coaching there for all I know. Georgia Tech runs the triple option offense which is always fun if you like running, pitches, a quick game and believe that Knute Rockne was completely wrong when he decided to implement the forward pass. If I remember correctly the Sun Bowl is one of the oldest bowl games in existence, which probably is nice to know if you ever find yourself in El Paso and need to start a conversation with something other than, “Hello, can you please help me find a way to get out of El Paso?”

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt (3:30 PM, ABC): Crap, I’ve already used my Vanderbilt jokes. I mean, who could anticipate Vanderbilt making a bowl game (and not Tennessee, which says something about how far that program has fallen.) Cincinnati is a) a city that I have never been able to properly spell my entire life and b) really proud of its chili in much the same way that Kansas City is of its barbecue except that Cincinnati chili is unlike any kind of chili known to man. (By the way, I’ve always preferred Memphis barbecue, which is probably why I never really fit in well in KC.) At least this game is no longer the St. Jude’s Hospital Liberty Bowl where the halftime show would often feature sick children. I am not kidding. The only thing that could compare to it would be the Rescue Shelter Bowl featuring Sarah McLachlan as the halftime entertainment. I swear to you if I ever win the lottery I am going to donate a portion to the ASPCA on the sole condition that they never use a Sarah McLachlan song in a commercial again.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Illinois vs. UCLA (3:30 PM, ESPN): I know I said this last year but I have to say it again. Hey Kraft! You want to fight hunger? How about you, I don’t know, donate food? Or instead of celebrating record profit margins on Macaroni and Cheese why not lower the price by a nickel? Though I will support a Kraft Fight Hunger Games where the food options in the cornucopia are solely Kraft products. I am so psyched to see that movie as any book that as you read it makes you wonder just how many people you could kill if forced to fight to the death is precisely what I feel we need to use to inspire the next generation. How else are they supposed to prosper if we do not raise them to anticipate an apocalyptic hellscape where you may be called upon to murder the person you just met three days ago as a means of entertaining others?

Anyway, Illinois football… Sigh. At one point this year we were 6 – 0 and I could legitimately make a case for us to play in the Big 10 championship game or at least be 9 – 3 and playing in a nice bowl game in January. Instead we lose six straight in more and more humiliating fashion and end up firing Ron Zook who gets added to the list of coaches who couldn’t figure out how to make the Illini even a consistent squad despite having the best talent that we have had in ages. I’m not even sure where they will go for a coach now. I would like for once in my life to have the Illini be consistently decent. I’m not even talking good, just decent. UCLA actually is in a bowl game despite having a losing record which makes this possibly the most depressing matchup ever. Well, at least it is a rematch of that legendary 1984 Rose Bowl where, yeah, Illinois got slaughtered but at least the Chief got to dance at halftime. Oh wait, we don’t even have the Chief anymore. Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia vs. Auburn: (7:30 PM, ESPN): I still think they should call this the Peach Bowl just because Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is such a confusing combination that it makes one wonder if affordable chicken sandwiches and produce could make a pleasurable combination. I’ll have to admit that pretty much anything would go well with Chick-fil-A. The only benefit of having had to spend numerous hours at the Philadelphia airport is the fact that the Concourse B/C food court has a Chick-fil-A. Though those bastards closed on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend because for some reason God doesn’t want me to have waffle fries on a Sunday. It’s enough to question your faith.

This is the game that you have on as you face that dilemma of whether or not you actually want to go out on New Year’s Eve. Now that I am married this is a slightly easier decision as I actually have someone to be with at midnight but back in the KC days this was always the point of no return. There you are, watching an over-achieving ACC team taking on an under-achieving SEC team while cows take over the screen every five minutes and you have to decide whether to go out, face a bunch of idiot drunks to only be alone at midnight or stay at home, conclude that Cam Newton and Bo Jackson are the only two people who could make you care about Auburn football and spend the rest of the evening drinking whiskey straight from the bottle in a darkened apartment while listening to Morrissey cds. Not that I have any experience in that matter. Though I recommend Viva Hate if you are in the mood to do so.

Next time, all of the January games. Title games, Arkansas State and the best metal band in history. Stay tuned.