It is that time of year again. Time to continue my annual tradition of previewing all 35 college bowl games. This will take a few days so sit back, relax, and enjoy the wonder that is modern college football.
(In chronological order, all times Eastern, all jokes intentional)
December 17th:
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Temple vs. Wyoming (2 PM, ESPN): Fennis Dembo will be coaching Wyoming I assume. This is because Fennis Dembo is the only person I know who has ever been associated with the University of Wyoming. In fact, for males of a certain age Fennis Dembo may be all we know about the state of Wyoming. Who the hell is Fennis Dembo you may ask? Fennis Dembo was a basketball player who was put on the cover of Sports Illustrated in the late 80’s in a college basketball preview issue where SI ranked Wyoming 3rd and called Dembo the best player in the nation. The team didn’t even make the tournament and Dembo went on to be the last guy off the bench on one of the Pistons championship teams. Still, fame is fame and everyone has always enjoyed saying the name Fennis Dembo over and over again. Temple has a football team, which is always shocking to me, and I expect that most of the residents of Philadelphia are referring to this game as the God Damn New Mexico Bowl. Not out of spite as to where the team ended up; it’s just that Philadelphians typically use God Damn as an adjective for every noun to the fact that children are taught in grade school that “God Damn Dick and God Damn Jane ran up the God Damn hill.”
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio vs. Utah State (5:30 PM, ESPN): This should not be confused with the Infamous Idaho Potato, who murdered eight in a cross-country crime spree back in 1977 in what is often referred to as the “Summer of Spud.” This is traditionally my favorite bowl game of the year as two teams, after an incredible amount of effort and toil, are forced to travel to Boise, Idaho to play on blue turf for no apparent reason. It is quite possibly the only bowl game where you feel sorry for the players. Also, this game would be much more interesting if you move the State from one to the other. This game reads like a straight to DVD knockoff of a better bowl game.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: San Diego State vs. Louisiana – Lafayette (9 PM, ESPN): It is now the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, which just sounds all sorts of wrong. When a stadium hasn’t had corporate sponsorship for decades it just seems bizarre to change the name like that. San Diego State will soon be joining the Big East in that San Diego is east of….the Pacific Ocean I guess. Conference realignment is going to really screw up kids sense of geography. As always, take Louisiana – Lafayette in this game as they have home field advantage as San Diego is probably one of the few cities that people wouldn’t leave for a weekend in New Orleans. I assume that R+L Carries is either a) a moving company or b) an air condition company with a slight possibility that the R refers to one and the L refers to the other.
December 20th
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Florida International vs. Marshall (8 PM, ESPN): This is the Florida version of St. Petersburg and not the Russian version though a December game in Russia would actually be super cool. Or cold, one of the two. Certainly a game in Russia would allow the announcers to say, “Boy, I bet a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s” would taste good right now. Anyway, we have the fifth best team in Florida playing the other team from West Virginia in a contest to determine who will get to say that they won a bowl game this year. I will go with Florida International because of the legend of Ned (long story). By the way, I’m proud of myself for not writing a single Brady Quinn joke this entire time. Figure he doesn’t need the attention given that he is sitting on the depth chart behind a guy who everyone states cannot throw a football.
December 21st
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: TCU vs. Louisiana Tech (8 PM, ESPN): I have never understood the sponsorship behind this bowl game. Beyond the fact that it makes for the longest bowl game name and must drive the announcers crazy (and this is before we get into the whole how do you pronounce poinsettia debate) the only people who could care about the sponsorship are residents of San Diego, which is why you have teams from Texas and Louisiana involved. Maybe this will turn into a whole Occupy Wall Street game where they push people to go to credit unions, kind of like the Anti-Capital One Bowl. I’m not sure if even TCU knows what conference it is currently in but after the Rose Bowl last year I don’t think they even care. I guarantee that at one point the announcers will say “Remember folks that poinsettias are poisonous, just like the TCU defense.”
December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Arizona State vs. Boise State (8 PM, ESPN): Some people would complain that due to a loss to TCU that Boise State is kept from playing in a BCS bowl and how unfair that makes the BCS system. I do not believe you will hear that from Boise State though as a trip to Las Vegas has to be more exciting than spending more time in Idaho. Though you have to wonder how the team adjusts to playing on fields that are actually green. You have to expect that Boise will win this game as a) Arizona State lost to Illinois this year and b) Arizona State represents the PAC-12 conference whose official motto is “Eleven fine academic institutions and Arizona State.” As for me, I’ll be at the blackjack tables for this one.
December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. Southern Mississippi (8 PM, ESPN): The annual Christmas Eve tradition. Some people go to church, some hang stockings by the fireplace while others spend the holidays by watching a game in a place they wish they could visit featuring two teams that they have never cared about in their entire lives. It is like the opposite of the Idaho bowl in that two teams underperform all year just so they can end up lounging on the beach on Christmas Day. So screw these two teams. Hope the game goes into like thirty five overtimes and they end up eating some bad poi and get food poisoning. Serves them right for getting to enjoy the holidays.
December 26th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Missouri vs. North Carolina (5 PM, ESPN2): Back in the old days you knew what bowls were about. The Orange Bowl was about oranges, the Bluebonnet Bowl was about whatever a Bluebonnet is and the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl was about how the Poulan Weed Eater played a pivotal role in the Revolutionary War. As George Washington wrote in his memoirs “We shall not be able to cross the Delaware unless our shipment of Poulan Weed Eaters arrive and allow us to clear a path to the shoreline. Without the economically priced Poulan Weed Eaters are cause would most certainly be lost.” Now the Independence Bowl is either about a car engine or a type of medication that you should see your doctor about a prescription for. Anyway, as I still keep up on Kansas City news for some reason I know that there is a great uproar about Missouri leaving the Big 12 for the SEC and I have to say that I agree. Missouri is just not an SEC team. When Arkansas joined I could kind of understand it but Missouri just doesn’t make sense. It does screw over Kansas City as well as they will lose all the Big 12 championship games and there is no way in the world that the SEC would ever send a tournament their way. So go Carolina I guess.
December 27th
Little Caesars Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Purdue (4:30 PM, ESPN): I have to at least give them credit for not calling this the Pizza Bowl as a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl sounds like one of the most sickening food items that could ever be imagined by the minds at KFC, who I believe are now encouraged to think up the most mind boggling items for their menu. Heck, I always felt that Little Caesars was always a little underrated in the mass produced pizza department so kudos for them for some solid marketing. Sadly, this bowl game might be the least interesting one of the year as it features a game that you would expect to see in the middle of September. In all honesty these teams may have already played this year and no one would notice. Tune in to see the world’s largest bass drum that plays a major role in Purdue’s band. Or spend the game drinking boilermakers whenever Purdue touches the ball and listening to MC5 songs whenever Western Michigan does. It will certainly make the game go faster.
Belk Bowl: Louisville vs. North Carolina State (8 PM, ESPN): Ok, new rule. Bowl games are no longer allowed to be named after sound effects from the old Batman television show. I swear that once Robin hit one of Penguin’s henchmen and “Belk” came up on screen. (By the way, I really want a story surrounding the temp agency that hires out henchmen to super-villains. Obviously someone has filled that market niche as I find it difficult to think that the Joker has his own HR department.) For those wondering Wikipedia informed me that Belk is the name of a department store as opposed to the electrical supply company that I originally imagined it to be. This will be a perfectly acceptable football game featuring two teams that you haven’t watched all year but who you know have football teams. That is the essence of bowl season, the time of year where you are so frazzled from having to spend time with family that watching a North Carolina State football game seems like a welcome respite from real life. Also, feel free to use Belk as your new all-purpose profanity. “What a Belky thing to say”, “She is such a Belk”, “What the Belk?” Works great.
Tomorrow I will go through the New Year’s Eve games and will feature rants on Notre Dame, Illinois, Jersey Shore and reasonably priced chicken sandwiches.
Best of 120 Minutes: I still have to write up something about R.E.M.’s official retirement but this will have to do for now.
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