Time to take a look at what we’ll be seeing at the old Drive-In this year. Or will be picking up through Netflix later. Or just pirating off of some website hosted in the third world. One of those options.
Alice in Wonderland: As done by Tim Burton. I was going to make a joke about how Hollywood apparently has no new ideas and are now just grabbing books from their children’s bedroom at random but Tim Burton doing Alice in Wonderland? That just sounds super cool. Like I need to start taking drugs now to just be in the proper state of mind when it opens in March.
Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps: Charlie Sheen and Michael Douglas are back with Shia LaBeouf in this tense financial….wait a minute. I am supposed to believe that Shia LaBoeuf is a Wall Street trader? I couldn’t believe that he had a transforming car. Not that I don’t believe in transforming cars just that I couldn’t believe that he would know how to operate a normal one. Not sure if anyone is clamoring for a sequel here or why the movie just couldn’t have a different name. Wall Street 2 just looks completely wrong as a title.
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time: Movies based on video games always worry me mainly because movies do not come with cheat codes. That and the entire reason that a video game is good is because it is interactive and what makes a movie great is that it isn’t. You can’t marry the two and no video game has a deep enough backstory to really merit a movie.
Iron Man 2: Come for the explosions, stay for Scarlett Johansson as sexy Russian double agent Black Widow. Or come for Scarlett Johansson and stay for Mickey Rourke as Whiplash I really don’t mind. Now that Spider-Man is getting rebooted this might be the best superhero franchise out there.
Sex and the City 2: They’re all in a nursing home by now, right? This is like a pilot for the new version of The Golden Girls. Actually the similarities between the casts of Sex and the City and The Golden Girls are quite remarkable. Four women each, clear similarities between the two (Sarah Jessica Parker and Bea Arthur are, for all intensive purposes, the same character) on a constant search for romance. I think there might be a doctoral thesis in that argument.
Clash of the Titans: I could use this as a starting point to complain about Hollywood co-opting my childhood but I am more excited that this will teach a whole new generation of kids Greek mythology. Watching this movie over and over again helps you in high school when you are forced to read the Odyssey and have to remember all of the various gods. Two problems with a remake though. 1) No Harry Hamlin and 2) the fact that the original was a PG movie that featured nudity really cannot be copied in today’s environment.
The A-Team: Ok, now they are mining my childhood. What no one realizes is that the A-Team is one of those shows that everyone loved but no one actually watched for any reason other than a few random explosions and Mister T saying a few things. It’s not like we cared about the plot or anything. A remake will give us explosions but no Mister T and we can get explosions anywhere. It would be more cost effective to just have people show up at Mister T’s house and have him talk to them for ninety minutes.
The Karate Kid: With Jackie Chan as Pat Morita and Wil Smith’s kid as Ralph Macchio. Sigh. I’m sorry but there is no way that this movie is going to touch the original because Jackie Chan is not Pat Morita. I’m not talking in terms of acting skills though that is the case. The fact is that the story works so much better as having the mysterious old man who viewers know only as the guy who used to work at Mel’s Diner teaching karate than having the martial arts expert teaching karate. I don’t expect Wil Smith’s kid to come from behind to win the tournament. I expect him to win by defeating forty ninjas and jumping off the top of a building and on to a moving bus.
Tron Legacy: If there is anything we need it is more Tron. A lot more Tron. I want a freaking light cycle. It’s been nearly thirty years and they still haven’t made a light cycle. What a bunch of crap. That is science for you. Just can’t get its priorities in order.
6th Best Album of the Decade: Drive-By Truckers “The Dirty South” (2004): This is one of those albums that I did not listen to for years after it first came out. I had always heard great things about DBT, a hard rocking Southern band that had three killer guitarists up front driving song after song. It wasn’t after until I started really listening to their music that I realized just how incredible the songwriting was. The stories that these guys tell are spellbinding. This is the last album from the Jason Isbell era, which is where I felt they peaked.
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