Instructions for my Clone

I've borrowed this idea from Douglas Coupland's book, "Hey Nostradamus!" It's always sounded like a really neat idea to write about so I finally sat down tonight and knocked out a couple of ideas. Expect to see additions over the next few months.

Instructions for my Clone

Hello me. I figure that it is my duty to give you a little advice about what to expect on this planet, given that we share the same DNA and all. As you’ll learn soon enough, trusting yourself is not going to be one of your strong suits but in this case, listen to me. I’m speaking from experience. Anyway, here’s an owner’s manual for yourself.

You’ll start having acne when you start puberty at 12. Don’t worry; your face will clear up when you finish puberty, which will most likely be in your mid-30’s.

Being a writer will become extremely useful once you have a girlfriend. Being a musician will help you get the girls. As a result, learn how to play the guitar. It’s a much more useful skill than having an unfinished novel.

You know, a little exercise every once in a while probably isn’t that bad of an idea.

You’re going to have a weakness for redheads. Pretty much the only solution is going to be moving to Ireland. That’s probably not a bad idea whatsoever.

I have no idea why there will be an affinity towards French actresses. Use it to sound cultured as opposed to being a potential stalker.

When you start playing basketball, start working on your outside shot. Those dreams of being a power forward are never going to materialize. Just stand at the three point line and start firing away, it’s pretty much going to be your only shot.

About the world that you are inheriting. You’re living in a time of religious fanaticism, danger lurking around every corner, high unemployment, crappy economic prospects, no college football playoffs, and an environment that’s on the verge of imminent collapse. Sorry about that.

Oh, and MTV sucks big time for you. It’s not even close to being cool anymore.

But on the bright side, you’ll get to have a Playstation 7. See all the sacrifices that we’ve made for your generation?

On the whole, it is better to experience life in person rather than in digital simulations. And it’s a lot better to have real friends versus digital ones.

People are going to push you towards a career in engineering. You’re going to have a gift for it. Major in something else. Preferably a field that doesn’t consist entirely of white guys with glasses.

Yeah, sorry about the nearsightedness. Go for contacts or laser surgery. You’ll look a lot better without the glasses.

Know right away that the first girl you fall in love with is going to affect the way you look at women for the rest of your life. Choose very wisely.

That said, there will also be a second and a third. So don’t sit there and mope for a year or five when things don’t go your way.

Ok, on the alcohol consumption. You’ll be fine with beer (but then you’ll really need to remember the exercise part). Shots are ok in moderation. Drinking a dozen rum and cokes in a night in 6 different bars? Bad idea.

Actually, just try to avoid drinking with Mexicans. You’ll just end up on the floor at the end of the night.

Places you will need to live in for at least a portion of your life: New Orleans, Austin (Texas or Minnesota), and Dublin.

You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you “Don’t do this because there is a really small chance that it might not work or that someone might view you differently”? Tell it to go to hell. Early and often. Until you never hear it again.

On that point. Screw regret.