Time
for our first set of Olympic updates from the “Winter Games in the beachside
resort that is 60 degrees, overrun with wild dogs and will feature Putin
winning at least three gold medals before all is said and done.” Due to my
realization that blogger is being a bit persnickety with numbered lists I am
now going to be discussing things as points.
Point One: If the Winter Olympics mean one
thing it is non-stop curling coverage. Yes, the sport of kings and Canadian
beer leagues is back where once every four years we all sit mesmerized by
people sliding stones across the ice. I truly mean mesmerized. Four years ago
during the Vancouver games I was working on a trading floor where we had
televisions scattered around the floor tuned to CNN, CNBC and Olympic coverage.
The curling competition gathered the most interest. You haven’t lived until you’ve
been surrounded by twenty people screaming at a forty year old man for not
properly placing the hammer past the guard stones and into the house.
Point Two: The Americans suck this year at
curling. The women gave up a record seven points in one end to Great Britain.
To put this in perspective, the most points that it is possible to score in one
end is eight. To put it another way, if you grabbed four people off the street,
didn’t tell them the rules and had them play that end, they could only do one
point worse than the best America has to offer. As someone tweeted today about
American curling, “Come on Minnesota, you only have one job.”
Point Three: I also enjoy the fact that in my
lifetime of watching the Winter Games, which goes back to watching Eric Heiden
and the Miracle on Ice as a six year old, I’ve been able to see numerous sports
added for the sole purpose of allowing the Americans to win more medals. We’ve
added snowboarding and moguls and something called slopestyle that seems to
involve icing over a skate park. These are wonderful events where it is
absolutely impossible to figure out who is better. In speedskating it is
relatively easy: this person in a bizarrely colored skintight suit skated
faster than the other person in a more restrained skintight suit. Most of the
new events involve the viewer thinking “Wow, that guy spun around a bunch of
times just like the previous twenty guys.” As long as they don’t go splat they
all seem to have a chance to medal.
Point Four: We do also get Olympic hockey, which is some
of the most amazing action in the world. It’s like multiple NHL All Star games
except that people actually care and you get to play off all of your long
standing nationalistic hatreds. As someone who is Czech by nature I get to
cheer on Jaromir Jagr as he takes on the evil Russians and Germans and Slovaks
and those god damn Swedes. I freaking hate Sweden with their blonde hair and
healthy environment and well planned national health care system. Screw them.
Point Five: Yes, it is important to point
out that Jaromir Jagr, much like Abe Vigoda, is still alive. To be honest they
may in fact be the same person.
