I feel so unwanted....

I have some rather distressing news to report. It has definitely set my world all atwitter. Went to a concert at Davey’s tonight and ran into my stalker. And her boyfriend. Yes, my stalker has now gotten a boyfriend. Man, you wouldn’t believe how depressed this makes me feel.

I mean, talk about rejection. For years it’s just been the two of us fighting to be the one directly in front of the stage at every show. Never talking, just silently jockeying for position and her seething glares at me when I inch in front of her and ruin her view because she was a good six inches shorter than me. Her deciding to use the camera flash to momentarily blind me and regain the prime space. I’m not kidding at about half the shows that I’ve attended over the past three years the two of us were always there and always at the front. And now she is hanging out with some dude. Like stalking me isn’t a better option?

Yeah, you can pretty much state that your life has taken a turn for the worse when even your stalker moves on.

What else to talk about… I made the mistake of actually flipping through the channel guide while on VH-1 this evening. I think they are legally required to show an hour of videos at four in the morning but otherwise it is all reality shows, all the time. And even for me, reality junkie that I am, it is a little ridiculous. Mainly because they aren’t even very good shows. I mean, I’m a wrestling fan and I don’t want to watch a show about Hulk Hogan and his kids. At least not unless it involves a cage match. And clip shows of the best celebrity embarrassments just seems to be a little overboard. Plus, I can’t believe that they were able to make only a one hour show out of my beloved Lindsay. You’d think that would be it’s own mini-series.

But the big thing that VH-1 is doing now is showing full seasons of America’s Next Top Model in one day. And in terms of shows that get your attention, it certainly fit’s the bill. Because I stumble across this and end up watching for hours. You certainly can’t fault the premise: pretty nineteen year old girls in skimpy clothing competing for “fame” and “fortune”. Except that none of the girls have actually become a top model. Hell, Adrianne (the winner of season one) is best known for marrying Christopher Knight from The Brady Bunch. Basically, I can’t see top fashion studios deciding the new face for their product line based on a game show.

And that fact makes the show itself very twisted. Because not only is there only one girl who will be the “winner” but half the girls have absolutely no chance of making it. They’re too short, too fat, too thin and in one case in Australia’s Next Top Model, too busty. Yes, the show critiques a girl because she has curves that make every guy drool. On top of that, they have them compete in challenges that are more parodies of a model’s existence than actual tests. It’s as if they are playing dress-up as a model. What makes the show interesting is that every season a few girls are smart enough to see that this is a charade and basically play it off as a lark. Two things happen then a) they get eliminated and b) they actually get signed to real modeling careers (Elyse the pre-med student from Season One who was achingly beautiful, intelligent and funny.) So, the show is basically Tyra Banks screwing with girls’ emotions while we all watch. Welcome to the future of entertainment. We all get our fifteen minutes of fame if you are willing to endure a few hours of humiliation.

Down Under Beauty

(Time to cover what is left on the Post-It notes that litter my laptop detailing all of my possible blog topics. At some point I’ll just start carrying a notebook around with me at all times to capture these ideas. Though pulling out pen and paper in a bar to record all of the witty bon mots probably won’t be viewed in a positive manner.)

I didn’t mention this earlier in the week but there was a story from one of the London papers that Britney went bonkers in rehab, claiming to be the anti-christ and trying to kill herself. While this is wholly unconfirmed and I certainly don’t want her to kill herself I think we should definitely take this anti-christ claim seriously. Hell, every music fan has been saying that for nearly a decade.

My VH-1 addiction is well documented. And until they finally grant me a talking head spot on Best Week Ever it will just have to be a viewer relationship. While shows like Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club and Hogan Knows Best all keep me entertained they have a new show that is going on the Tivo “Must Record, Never Delete, Create Additional Backup Copies” list. They are broadcasting the American premiere of “Australia’s Next Top Model.” It’s the same as America’s Next Top Model except with much cooler accents. I’m not sure if you can go wrong with a group of beautiful women wearing skimpy clothing and talking in incredibly attractive accents for an hour. It’s like the best show idea ever.

And to show the level of drama in this show the first elimination involved one model who was upbeat and enthusiastic but was not very tall going against one who the judges were notably concerned that she may have an eating disorder. Who gets sent away? The short girl. Under the logic that you could always just feed the anorexic girl a sandwich but couldn’t get the other girl to grow. It was just cruel, as the judges went “We love everything about your personality and you’re beautiful but unless you are willing to wear stilts we have to let you go.” I’m not sure if this is a competition or just a weekly hour of watching a teenager getting her dreams smashed right before your eyes.

Speaking of Australian models, I finally watched The Last Kiss this weekend. (Wow, I wrote a segue. Not sure if I’ve ever done that before.) It stars Zach Braff (the dude with the eyebrows from Scrubs) and Jacinda from Real World: London (the only Real Worlder to actually become a successful actress.) I was a bit under whelmed by the film. I heard a lot of talk that it was an extension of Garden State, showing similar characters as they are turning thirty. I see that but there is this small problem that it isn’t a very good film.

The set up is pretty simple. Zach and Jacinda are not married but expecting and Zach meets a cute girl at a wedding and ends up going out with her. Jacinda finds out and they fight for the rest of the movie until they see a ray of forgiveness open up. I just have a lot of problems with the film. First, who the hell would be dumb enough to screw up a relationship with Jacinda. You would expect the Zach character to be celebrating how lucky he is. Then there are all the friends who are all having really stereotypical early mid-life crisis. But my main problem is that they took a very real concept (being afraid that you are becoming an adult without any of the tools to be successful in that role) and never really did anything with it or sold the premise that these characters are scared. Zach didn’t look scared, he looked like a complete asshole. The fear of being adult is a great one, it’s one of the main themes of my hypothetical novel, and it really needs to be better expressed in film.

Ok, last bit for the week. I use a Peanuts Day Planner (pretty much proving that I have the emotional maturity of a twelve year old) and this was the cartoon for the week. And I find it really fitting as I have been spending a rather unhealthy amount of time the past few weeks thinking about lost loves. Partly this is because I am working on a few essays that deal with how relationships end and the aftermaths and the curse of being a nice guy. But mainly it is because the weather is getting nicer and anniversaries that only I remember are coming up and it is the sort of thing that makes me long wistfully for moments that never occurred. Somehow, this explains it all.

Peppermint Patty: “I’m worried about you, Chuck”
Charlie Brown: “About me?”
Peppermint Patty: “Yes, I’m worried that you’re living too much in the past…you haven’t seen that little red-haired girl for over a year, and yet you keep talking about her.”
Charlie Brown: “Maybe I’m living in the future…maybe that’s what we call ‘hope’… or maybe I’m just too wishy-washy to forget her…”
Peppermint Patty: “I don’t know Chuck…I just hate to see you always living in the past…of course, I’d hate to see you only living in the future, too… Maybe, as they always say, the truth lies somewhere in-between..”
Charlie Brown: “The truth is just as wishy-washy as I am!”

Have a great weekend. Go Illini.