As part of my ongoing (and court mandated) community service, here are your holiday viewing highlights. Remember to throw out all your turkey as Thanksgiving is officially over. No leftovers and you should already be shopping.
November 22:
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (8 AM, CBS): One day when I'm a dad I'm going to have to explain to my kids what huge inflatable balloons of long forgotten cartoon characters has to do with Thanksgiving. Then I'll have to explain why pilgrims wore belt buckles on their hats. At that point I hope that the Kermit balloon will break free so I'll be able to distract them.
Miracle on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): I'm not sure if this is the black and white version, in which Maureen O'Hara looks beautiful, or the colorized version in whicfh Maureen O'Hara looks as if she is suffering from radiation poisoning after a tanning booth session gone horribly wrong.
November 24:
The Lighting of Macy's Great Tree (6 PM, WGN): Or you could, I don't know, pay real close attention as you turn on a lamp. It's pretty much the same thing.
A Toby Keith Christmas (9 PM, CMT): Yes, it's time for the drunken redneck Christmas with Toby Keith! Gather round the fire as we roast up some Christmas squirrel. Celebrate with some egg nog that we made in the still out back (just make sure those revenuers aren't around to catch you.) Will Santa be able to make it in time in his Ford F-150 pickup? You'll have to watch to find out. And remember, if you aren't watching Toby Keith, you probably are one of them liberal elite.
November 25:
A Christmas Story (7 PM, TNT): This will then be replayed every two hours until New Year's Day. Correction: as this is TNT one showing per day will be replaced with The Shawshank Redemption. It's like in the licensing agreement or something.
November 26:
The Santa Clause (7 PM, Disney): Another future conversation: "Daddy, who is that man playing Santa?" "No one of importance." "He's not funny." "Yes, Daddy knows."
November 27:
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): Set your DVRs now. The absolute best special of the entire holiday season. Even better than the California Raisins claymation one. Snoopy's award winning doghouse. The tree that only Charlie Brown could love. That freaky dance that one kid does. Pig Pen playing double bass. I think I remember this special better than I do entire Christmases.
November 28:
Shrek the Halls (7 PM, ABC): Because Mike Myers couldn't release a special called "For the love of God, will you just buy the DVD of Shrek the Third. My kids want a pool."
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7:30, ABC): I don't care what anyone says, Whoville got what it deserved. They had hunted the Roast Beast nearly to extinction and focused so little on security that one man and a small dog was able to rob the entire town blind. The Grinch simply highlighted the flaws in their lifestyle in an attempt to cause them to focus on addressing the problem as opposed to singing songs while their world collapsed around them. Also, The Grinch didn't have a heart three sizes too small, his body was three sizes too large.
(So I identify with The Grinch. Does that surprise you?)
December 1:
Jingle All the Way (12:30 PM, ABC Family): Personally I like this movie just because you know Arnold Schwarzenegger sat in a pitch meeting and went, "You know what this movie needs? Sinbad." Movie could do with a few more explosions.
The Radio City Christmas Spectacular (7 PM, NBC): At one point in time the Rockettes were risque. Life really was simpler back in the old days.
December 3:
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (6 PM, ABC Family): Wow, ABC Family really doesn't understand the concept of seasons. A New Year's special a month in advance. Still, this is another December highlight due to the Island of Misfit Toys. Or as someone referred to my buddies, "Those aren't friends, those are rejects from the Island of Misfit Toys."
Decembver 4:
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): So apparently we teach our kids that being different and an outcast will one day result in them saving the day. Or to ostracize anyone who in the least way unique. I'm not sure which. Wow, am I cynical tonight or what. Ok, even I cheer for Rudolph at the end of this. And don't get me started on Frosty the Snowman...
December 5:
Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My favorite holiday special that no one remembers. it involves mice and a mean letter to Santa causing him to contemplate passing over the town. This was always shown on Christmas Eve as a kid, which is probably why I remember it so fondly.
December 7:
The Santa Clause 2 (8 PM, Disney): "Daddy, if people knew Tim Allen wasn't funny why did they let him make the move again?" "Because some people think that if you fail once then the next time will be a success. We call those people idiots."
December 10:
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Wow, there is a second Peanuts Christmas special? I'm someone who has a Snoopy poster on his wall and even I didn't know that. This one features Rerun, Linus' little brother, who is my favorite character of the lats few years of the strip. Mainly because in one episode he asks his kindergarten teacher to read Anna Karennina to the class. I might have to watch this.
December 13:
The Little Drummer Boy (6 PM, ABC Family): I'm only watching this if it contains that freaky Bing Crosby - David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust phase duet on this song. Even as a nine year old I remember watching that and thinking "Bing doesn't have a clue what is going on, does he?" Plus in the special it is set up as if David was just stopping by Bing's house to drop off a present while if that happened in reality Bing would have unleashed the hounds.
December 14:
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. That's the God's honest truth. I've never seen this movie. I don't know why or how but I've just never sat down to watch it. Maybe I'm missing the greatest movie ever made. I really don't know. I guess I've just been busy every December for my entire life.
December 19:
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): I told you, I don't want to talk about it. No, I don't cry when Frosty goes away at the end. I mean, he'll be back some other day, right? I mean, he said that he would. I'm telling you, it's just dusty in here...
December 23:
Elmo's Christmas Countdown (6 PM, ABC): "Daddy, can we watch the red muppet with the high pitched voice that drives you insane?" "Of course we can. It's Christmas."
Have a great weekend everyone.
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