Time for part two of the Bowl Preview though I have to
start with an apology from part one. I screwed up a joke by saying LIBAR
instead of LIBOR. I know, it ruined everything and made the entire enterprise
completely meaningless. I’ll try to make it up here as we look at the December
26 – December 30 bowl games otherwise known as “Congrats on winning seven games”
bowls.
December 26
St. Petersburg
Bowl: Connecticut vs. Marshall (St. Petersburg, Florida, Tropicana Field, 11 AM
ESPN): If you are going to have a St. Petersburg bowl I think you really
need to go all out and have it in Russia as opposed to a baseball stadium in
Florida. I mean what would you rather have: a game played in front of Vladimir
Putin or a game played in front of Billy the Marlin? (Yes, I know that is
technically the Marlins mascot but I have no idea what the Rays mascot is
called.) Fun fact: Illinois was scheduled to play a game in Moscow in 1989 or
thereabouts but it was cancelled. That was the highlight of Illinois football
for a good decade, though. Anyway, Connecticut is a state and Marshall is hopefully
still coached by Matthew McConaughey.
Hyundai Sun Bowl:
Miami vs. Washington State (El Paso, Texas, Sun Bowl, 2 PM CBS): Miami of
course gave us the best play of the year with the game winning, last second,
twelve lateral, three illegal block in the backs, thirteen players on the field
kickoff return in which the refs decided to all go “Screw it. Who the hell
wants to see Duke win a football game anyway.” I am pretty sure that was Miami’s
only highlight of the season as they fired their coach during the season and I
can’t recall any of their other games and I follow Miami football. On the
positive side, the Sun Bowl is actually played outdoors during the day making
it one of the few bowl games that make logical, grammatical sense other than
the times when it is played during an eclipse or, you know, the rain.
Zaxby’s Heart of
Dallas Bowl: Washington vs. Southern Miss (Dallas, Cotton Bowl, 2:20 PM ESPN):
Wow, talk about a conflict for the state of Washington. There are more than
forty bowl games and the two teams from your state play at the same time in
different games in Texas. Also, in talking about logic the Zaxby’s Heart of
Dallas Bowl is played in the Cotton Bowl while the Cotton Bowl isn’t played in
the Cotton Bowl. Sigh. As always, the fact that the Heart of Dallas Bowl is
sponsored by a fried chicken chain just leads to cardiologist, cholesterol and
bypass jokes. This year I will go with the Heart of Dallas is clogged with
traffic like the drive through lane.
New Era Pinstripe
Bowl: Indiana vs. Duke (Bronx, New York, Yankee Stadium, 3:30 PM ABC): You
get one of these bowl games every year where you wish you were watching another
sport instead except this time you are hoping for any sport other than
football. I’m not sure how playing football in Yankee Stadium in December
sounds like a good idea except for a) the people in the luxury boxes, b) the
people selling hot chocolate or c) the people who are pleased by the fact that
global warming has now made it possible to sell the Bronx as a luxury tropical
destination. Plus, it is Indiana and Duke so we would rather watch them play
each other in basketball. Hell, I’d rather watch their football teams play each
other in basketball.
Camping World
Independence Bowl: Tulsa vs. Virginia Tech (Shreveport, Louisiana, Independence
Stadium, 5:45 PM ESPN): Correction from the last entry: there are three
bowl games in Louisiana that Popeyes, which makes clear in every commercial how
their affordable fried items of food like substances contain the soul of
Louisiana, could sponsor instead of the one in the Bahamas that they do. Of
course, to many of us this game will always be the Poulan Weed Eater
Independence Bowl in which we celebrated the freedom to attack our lawns with
dangerous pieces of equipment. This will be Frank Beamer’s last game as coach
of Virginia Tech so it is a bit of an end of an era and possibly the last time
you will need to care about Virginia Tech football for a while. I’m not sure
you have ever needed to care about Tulsa football unless you needed to make an innuendo
with the term “Golden Hurricane.”
Foster Farms Bowl:
UCLA vs. Nebraska (Santa Clara, California, Levi’s Stadium, 9:15 PM ESPN):
This is your certified organic, locally produced, farmer’s market purchased,
and slathered with ketchup bowl game.
Illinois beat Nebraska this year which should preclude Nebraska from
making any bowl games or even admitting that this season ever occurred. Like
they should just consider the past six months one long dream sequence in a
movie though to be honest if we wiped out the last six months of all that has
occurred in the state of Nebraska we would….probably not notice anything. I
assume that the UCLA players are upset because they have to leave Los Angeles
and therefore miss out on a commercial audition.
December 28
Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman: Pittsburgh
vs. Navy (Annapolis, Maryland, Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps
Memorial Stadium, 2:30 PM ESPN): It is
tough to feel sorry for Pitt under any circumstance but wow, did they get a bad
break on their bowl game this year. They have to play Navy in the Military Bowl
which is being played in Annapolis and is sponsored by the military industrial
complex. Outside of a government shutdown due to a budget impasse I really don’t
see how Pitt can win this game unless they decided to, I don’t know, play it on
land or something.
Quick Lane Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Minnesota (Detroit,
Ford Field, 5 PM ESPN 2): We really
should get a “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee with this game. Seriously, cut
out everything, use overtime rules, and just play the game that way. No one
will notice. ESPN 2 will get the same ratings if they aired a test pattern.
Minnesota isn’t even a .500 team and one of their wins came against Illinois so
that doesn’t really count.
December 29
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: California vs. Air
Force (Ft. Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, 2 PM ESPN): I do like the consistency of Air Force playing in the
Armed Forces Bowl which is also sponsored by your friendly neighborhood
military industrial complex. I’m pretty sure Eisenhower mentioned that in his
farewell address “If we are not careful soon our nation will be run by
organizations that sponsor third tier bowl games. Also, you should probably
keep an eye on this Nixon guy.” I always find it interesting that athletically
you always refer to the school as Cal or California but academically you always
refer to it as Berkley as if they never want you to realize that it is the same
place. But they are wrong so go Air Force and teach those damn hippies a
lesson.
Russell Athletic Bowl: North Carolina vs. Baylor
(Orlando, Orlando Citrus Bowl, 5:30 PM on ESPN): This game is not the Citrus Bowl even though it is being
held in the Citrus Bowl though at least we do not have the whole Cotton Bowl
situation here. This is more like a “give an excuse for more people to come to
Disney World on winter break” game even though the parks are incredibly crowded
already. Not a bad matchup though so feel free to watch it if you have nothing
else to do on a Monday night and let’s face it after several days of dealing
with family you really don’t want to have anything to do.
NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl: Nevada vs. Colorado State (Tucson,
Arizona, Arizona Stadium, 7:30 PM on Campus Insiders): It is just cruel to have Nevada play in the Home Loans
Bowl given that three quarters of the team had their houses foreclosed upon in
the last ten years. This game is being shown on Campus Insiders which is….which
is….seriously, what the hell is Campus Insiders? We can’t even get a real
network for this game? There are twelve ESPN’s at the moment and even though I
still can’t convince them to air Australian Rules Football again you’re telling
me that no one wants to broadcast this game? The legacy of the Arizona Bowl
deserves better than this.
AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl: LSU vs. Texas Tech (Houston,
NRG Stadium, 9 PM ESPN): Finally we
start getting some real games or at least games between teams you voluntarily
watched during the season. LSU is always good for one ill-advised trick play
that somehow works and Texas Tech decided years ago that playing defense just
wasted time so this will be fun to watch. AdvoCare is one of those companies
whose name sounds like the villain’s shell organization in a low budget science
fiction film. “Don’t worry we here at AdvoCare care greatly about our
customers. Just please don’t ask about V1 to V99. Especially V27. And for the
record V74 was contained despite what you may read on the internet.”
December 30
Birmingham Bowl: Auburn vs. Memphis (Birmingham, Alabama,
Legion Field, 12 PM, ESPN): Isn’t it at
least a little unfair that they have Auburn playing in Birmingham? I understand
the need to sell tickets and these bowl games are famous for having all the
fans sit on one side of the stadium just to make it look better for the cameras
but this is a bit ridiculous. One of the interesting parts of this season was
the fact that some of the smaller schools (Temple, Memphis, Navy, Tulsa and a
few others) put together really good records and for a second made it look like
they might make it to a top tier game. Instead they basically have to play a
road game. Well, at least the kids from Memphis are being paid for their
trouble…
Belk Bowl: North Carolina State vs. Mississippi State
(Charlotte, North Carolina, Bank of America Stadium, 3:30 PM ESPN): For all of those parents out there I really recommend
using the word “Belk” as your all-purpose swear word for use in front of the
children. “What the Belk?” “God, she is such a Belk.” “That is a bunch of Belk.”
It works for all occasions. Plus, when they ask you what does Belk mean you
could make up any answer you want and it will sound completely plausible
because let’s face it: I don’t think anyone actually knows what the Belk Bowl
is meant to represent. It is the mystery spot of bowl games. All we know is
that since it is being played at Bank of America stadium the use of any
competing bank’s cards will result in a three dollar fee and the coin toss must
be returned by 5 PM to avoid additional penalties.
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Texas A&M
vs. Louisville (Nashville, Nissan Stadium, 7 PM ESPN): Bowl sponsorships really do take away some of the fun of
the bowl games. I miss the days of the Bluebonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl.
The Music City Bowl would have fit in perfectly back then. It is simple, fun
and you have a good shot at figuring out which city the game is being held in.
Now it just reminds you that the Christmas bills are coming due and you are
going to have to scrounge for the mortgage payment. Pretty sure everyone will
be cheering for the Aggies because a) Texas A&M fans travel well, b) no one
in the state of Tennessee likes Louisville and c) there is always a chance that
Johnny Manziel may stumble onto the field in uniform and decide to get in a few
snaps.
National Funding Holiday Bowl: USC vs. Wisconsin (San
Diego, Qualcomm Stadium, 10:30 PM, ESPN):
Where to start on this one? Ok, National Funding is probably the scariest name
for a bowl sponsor that I have ever seen and I really have no clue who they
are. What nation are they funding? Is this a voluntary operation or are we
going to be held up by our ankles in order to get every last cent from our
pockets? Also, in this day of ATM cards is being held by your ankles an
effective way of getting money from a person? This should easily be one of the
best matchups of the bowls as Wisconsin is always tough and USC has talent to
burn and really started playing well once they got rid of their coach for
showing up drunk to practices. That is not a joke. Their coach was fired and
sent to rehab with every indication that he was drunk on the sidelines. At
Wisconsin they would put up a statue of you for that but at USC that is
apparently a violation of school policy. Anyway, a great game to end the night before
the night otherwise known as “New Year’s Eve for those of us who don’t want to
be surrounded by drunks.”
