7:01 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current Election Headquarters. Join me, my giant multicolored map and….damn, I couldn’t even get Nader to show up for this one. Just me at the moment.
7:02 P.M.: So here is the gameplan. I’m going to watch all of the coverage tonight and make my comments as things progress. Part of this will be my analysis of the results and the other part will be my analysis of the analysis. I’m starting off on ABC just because I believe that the evening should begin with George Snuffalupagus.
7:04 P.M.: We already have two states called. McCain has an early 8-3 lead based on his victory in Kentucky versus Obama’s carrying both Ben and Jerry’s vote in Vermont. I’m surprised about Vermont. I assumed that the entire state was in line for the next Phish concert.
7:12 P.M.: My voting story from this morning. I was there at 7:15 in the morning with the polls having opened at seven. Waited in line for about 45 minutes with the bottleneck being the registration desk. Once I picked up my registration card (with no issues related to my move out there) I went to the electronic machine where, for some reason, the election official had to announce that “[Insert name here] is now voting.” It made the whole event have this strange debutante’s ball feel to it.
No problems with the machine and sadly there were no judicial races or ballot amendments that I could have fun with. Every election I look forward to voting against judges just because I don’t like their name. I was tempted to vote Socialist Worker once again as it allows me to a) say I voted and b) feel no guilt about it.
I will say this. There was a very interesting vibe to the entire event. I live in a predominantly African-American precinct and the sense of pride in the room was palatable. Everyone stood in line without complaining just happy to have the opportunity to voice our opinion. No issues, just a lot of people calmly making their way with a sense of history in the air. Very cool.
7:36 P.M.: Given that we don’t actually have results yet we are forced to have the classic election shots of a) people standing in line to vote, b) people setting up victory parties and c) random crowd shots of Times Square for no reason other than it is across the street from the studio. Ten points to the guy who weaseled his way next to the ABC reporter just to unfold an “Investigate 9/11” banner.
7:48 P.M.: George Will has broken out his bow tie for tonight’s event. Always remember the rule surrounding bow tie wearing. Old men wearing bow ties: liberal. Young men wearing bow ties: Incredibly conservative. True, George Will breaks this rule but for the most part it is true.
7:51 P.M.: South Carolina goes for McCain. Or, to put it another way, the Cocks go for McCain. Yes, expect numerous Beavis and Butthead jokes tonight.
7:58 P.M.: Obama picks up a whole bunch of states. Illinois, Massachusetts, New Jersey , New Hampshire…and others. Sorry if this has gotten a little disjointed as I am on the phone with a slightly distraught McCain supporter at the moment.
8:22 P.M.: It is rather difficult to be on the phone, write and watch tv at the same time.
9:34 P.M.: And I’m back. Did I miss anything?
9:35 P.M.: Ok, I should explain things. As I said last night I was going to watch the results alone but was more than willing to talk to anyone who wanted to share this moment with me. I had a taker and as a result I’ve only had the television on mute as we’ve discussed the results and life in general. I’ll try to catch up in about five minutes.
Delaware goes for Obama: This marks the fourth time in five elections that the candidate that I have voted for has won the state I am in. (For the record, this is also my third state in three presidential elections.)
Illinois goes for Obama without even needing Mayor Daley to raise the dead to vote this year.
West Virginia goes to McCain after a surprising wait. McCain’s strong support of the coonskin cap industry puts him over the top here.
South Dakota also goes to McCain thus answering the question, “Do people in South Dakota actually vote?”
Kansas goes for McCain, thus explaining why I was forced to move halfway across the country.
John Kerry has won his senate race. Good for him. It would be nice for him to win a race for once.
Pennsylvania was given to Obama as soon as the polls closed. This is the first sign that Obama is in command as without this state McCain has to really win out. The fact that it was called so early means that it wasn’t very close.
Ohio also goes to Obama and that might clinch it. With Ohio all Obama would need to win are the states Kerry won and he would win the election.
I also apparently will now owe someone drinks if Obama wins. This will be the first step in the “sharing the wealth” strategy employed by Obama.
9:46 P.M.: Gov. Polenszy from Minnesota is now talking on ABC. If he was the republican veep campaign I think it would have been a much tougher race. That would have had people like me rethinking their votes. The scenes from the McCain victory party is looking less than joyful right now.
9:54 P.M.: For those wondering, my favorite news story of the day has been that they wouldn’t allow voters to cast their ballot in the nude in Florida. Apparently they are residents of a nudist colony in a district and were longing to cast the vote wearing what the good lord gave them. If there is one thing this country stands for, it is the right to have your bits flapping around as you decide the future of the nation.
9:56 P.M.: I’m switching to the Daily Show to get their take.
9:57 P.M.: Iowa goes to Obama. That goes with New Mexico and New Hampshire as states that have turned blue this cycle. Now if only the democrats could win New Texas and New Florida and I could call it an early night.
10:05 P.M.: Daily Show was surprisingly not very funny for the first statement so I’ve switched to CNN only to be confronted by James Carville who always looks as though he is about to devour my soul. Or beam me back to his home planet, one of the two.
10:15 P.M.: NBC has just started their election coverage after having spent the past two hours showing The Biggest Loser.
10:16 P.M.: Best name of the election: Winner of the Georgia senate race Saxby Chambliss. I admire anyone who can go through life with a name like Saxby and not decide to change it.
10:25 P.M.: On the plus side, McCain has already outperformed Mondale and McGovern in terms of performance. That said, so did I in this election but it is definitely something to be proud of.
10:39 P.M.: I’ve switched over to PBS so I have less pithy comments about the coverage as I am actually intent on following what is going on. Virginia was just called for Obama and that would really cinch it. We could get a victory speech in the next hour or so once California closes.
10:41 P.M.: I also would like to say hi to a number of my friends who are at the Obama rally in Grant Park right now. I really wish I was there at the moment. Must be one hell of a night on the lakefront.
11:00 P.M.: And that is ballgame. California and the rest of the west is declared for Obama and we have something even I never thought I would get to see. I had always thought that sometime in my lifetime I would get to see an African American president but it was always in more of a theoretical sense. I never really anticipated it to happen and certainly not this soon, just forty years removed from the civil rights movement. It is an amazing moment.
11:02 P.M.: It also means that we can reclaim our country and our constitution. That is the most important factor for me. I yearn for a country ruled by justice again. It does give you a sense of wonder at the nature of this place where we can do this peacefully. No tanks in the streets required.
11:11 P.M.: I’m going to call it a night from a writing perspective. Sorry for the lack of updates but life occasionally gets in the way. More analysis tomorrow as I stay up to watch the speeches and put together all of my thoughts.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Starring Kim Cattrall in the role she was born to play
Author’s Note: Before I get into my Pick Up Artist recap I want to go over some of the details for tomorrow. First, please vote. Don’t worry about waiting in line. If your boss yells at you because you were late due to exercising your constitutional privilege it is probably a good sign that you should be working for another company. My plan is to start writing at 7 Eastern and then live blogging until a winner is reached or I fall asleep dreaming of maps of various colors. Not sure when I will actually post but I might post halfway through the night and then update it later on. Otherwise if you want my immediate insight ping me on my cell.
Someone did ask why I was doing this as opposed to say, watching the results with other people. If I was in KC I would do just that. Sadly, I know absolutely no one in this town other than the people I work with. I’m not even sure where to go to watch the results. So my choices are a) sit on my couch, watch the returns and write about it or b) go to a bar and hope that I am surrounded by intelligent people though be faced with the distinct possibility that I will just sit there by myself the entire night. I’ll stick with choice A at the moment though I would love to hear other people’s opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.
Anyway, enough seriousness. Off to the recap…
Episode 4: Starring Andrew McCarthy
When last we left our group of Younglings they had just learned from Master Yoda the secret of physical control while Master Windu taught the importance of standing in a non threatening manner. Greg successfully maintained his composure when confronted with the Sith temptress Nursina Attractivus as well as successfully navigated the Mos Eisley Cantina to move one step closer to his seat on the Jedi Council. Karl met someone who didn’t like him (and her friend didn’t like him either) and was left being shot down before he could even raise his blaster. How will our heroes fare in the face of the Death Star this week? And yes, it is fully operational.
We start as always with the reminiscences of the guy who was just eliminated. The amount of tears shed always amazes me. This show is so preposterous, where people like Rian gets phrases like “never touched a boob” listed under his name, that I’m not sure how anyone can sit there with a straight face.
Challenge time and it is time to discuss how far guys had gotten with women. This includes “I touched a boob and ran away” and “I’ve never even kissed a girl”. I’m already confused by this. I assumed that most guys had the same experience that I had: getting their first kiss in high school from a girl they met at a comic book convention. I mean if you can’t bond over Peter Parker’s tragic relationship with Gwen Stacey then what hope do you have?
We are introduced to Erin the sexologist. Yes, apparently teaching sexual techniques is a paying job with an official title. Well, I guess it always has been except that this is slightly more official and probably involves a test. In what would make me just walk off the set and make a beeline to knock that stupid hat off of Mystery’s head they bring out a department store mannequin for the guys to show off their technique. And we’re not talking Kristy Swanson level mannequin here. This is the Kim Cattral, you’d have to be extremely drunk, mannequin. The guys kiss the doll and vaguely grope it. I’m embarrassed just watching it.
Erin then asks if the guys know what an erogenous zone is. Matt mistakenly answers that it is where the Romulans can be found. Erin with her partner Whitney then shows off the erogenous zones apparently showing that being a sexologist seems to imply that you will make out with another woman as part of your job. And for the reward challenge the guys get 90 seconds with Erin to test their touching techniques. Which means that her job, and her entire purpose on the show, is to play two minutes in the closet with all of these guys. Now I’m embarrassed for her. Winner (chosen by Erin) gets an earpiece so Mystery can give instructions in the club.
Simeon starts first, immediately takes his shirt off and slobbers over her. This now makes me not want to be the last guy in line for this contest. Todd is shy to the point of fearfulness. Matt aims for the gentle touch and does a good job. Greg goes in with the sole goal of not passing out. Brian, our fun freak, just goes at it. Sometimes you can use awkwardness and ignorance to your advantage. Rian can be best described as clumsy and mechanical. Well, I would be too if I was having my first kiss on national television. Matt wins and gets Mystery in his ear. I would still prefer Matador talking me through the situation even if his only instructions would be yell “I’m the Matador!”
Lesson time as we talk about how to escalate with touch. For those who remember last season this is the epic “Light kino” part of the process. This is where we are taught all of the specific steps one must go through in order to reach the point where you can kiss a girl. Or at least without being slapped. Brian has been practicing his makeout techniques on a ham sandwich. At least we now know who will get the new Flavor of Love spin off. But no time for that now as we are off to the club where the goal is to kiss a girl. The guys are all anxious partly because they are unsure if they can successfully use the techniques and partly because they’ve never kissed a girl before. Let’s bring on Arizona’s finest young ladies!
First person in Axis is Simeon our super hyper rooster. He immediately locks in a two set with two girls from Pennsylvania. He gets them to a booth but does the saddest attempt at touching the girl’s leg that I’ve ever seen. Dude, at least grab her knee or something. He gets a number, which is far from a kiss. Todd starts out with a Mary Kate or Ashley question and gets shot down immediately. He is slow to recover but is able to use the same line on two other girls but that leads to a discussion on the differences between gerbils and meerkats. Now I’ve talked genetics in a bar with a woman once but I’d shy away from this topic. Not surprisingly he can’t even get a number.
Matt now enters with his guardian angel Mystery who immediately gives the advice “start with the hottest chicks and work your way backwards.” Words to live by to be sure especially as the more you drink the more the end of the curve begins to look like the beginning. After an Ocean’s Eleven line he gets the girls to the booth where one starts pulling panties out of her purse. Ok, coming from someone who has legitimately had two girls throwing punches over him in a bar parking lot I have never had that happen to me in my life. I think it actually freaks him out so he just ends up kissing her on the cheek. Sad, really.
Greg, my favorite in the contest, starts by talking about the weather. The girls aren’t interested. Wow, this is sad. The phones start coming out and it is game over. That is called crashing and burning. Rian, who really needs to add a Y to his name, uses my technique of just randomly getting women to talk to him as he passes by. This turns into a massage and an awkward but still nice kiss on the cheek. Good job for probably the geekiest guy on the show. We end with Brian and his afro. Though the guy’s fearlessness is commendable he hit a group where it didn’t work and got shot down as a result.
No one actually kissed a girl but we give Rian the win for his good work. He had a good night, comparable to some of my good nights. Not a great night but a good night. So apparently this means I earn the green medallion, representing enlightenment.
Elimination time. Mystery chews out the crew for not kissing their target and questions whether there are any true Pick Up Arists amongst them. Heard this same speech last season. Mystery then critiques each guy, getting on Todd for hovering. Wow, where have I heard that one before? The last two are Todd, who gets lost in his own head like I do, and Greg, who seems to not know how to start. Greg stays as he shows more promise. That leaves Todd to make to long walk back to his mom’s basement. Bummer because he did remind me of me.
Next week, stuff happens! Or at least I assume stuff happens as my DVR cut out the last two minutes. Still a week without Matador is a week without joy.
Live blog tomorrow. Go Obama.
Someone did ask why I was doing this as opposed to say, watching the results with other people. If I was in KC I would do just that. Sadly, I know absolutely no one in this town other than the people I work with. I’m not even sure where to go to watch the results. So my choices are a) sit on my couch, watch the returns and write about it or b) go to a bar and hope that I am surrounded by intelligent people though be faced with the distinct possibility that I will just sit there by myself the entire night. I’ll stick with choice A at the moment though I would love to hear other people’s opinions as to whether I am doing the right thing or not.
Anyway, enough seriousness. Off to the recap…
Episode 4: Starring Andrew McCarthy
When last we left our group of Younglings they had just learned from Master Yoda the secret of physical control while Master Windu taught the importance of standing in a non threatening manner. Greg successfully maintained his composure when confronted with the Sith temptress Nursina Attractivus as well as successfully navigated the Mos Eisley Cantina to move one step closer to his seat on the Jedi Council. Karl met someone who didn’t like him (and her friend didn’t like him either) and was left being shot down before he could even raise his blaster. How will our heroes fare in the face of the Death Star this week? And yes, it is fully operational.
We start as always with the reminiscences of the guy who was just eliminated. The amount of tears shed always amazes me. This show is so preposterous, where people like Rian gets phrases like “never touched a boob” listed under his name, that I’m not sure how anyone can sit there with a straight face.
Challenge time and it is time to discuss how far guys had gotten with women. This includes “I touched a boob and ran away” and “I’ve never even kissed a girl”. I’m already confused by this. I assumed that most guys had the same experience that I had: getting their first kiss in high school from a girl they met at a comic book convention. I mean if you can’t bond over Peter Parker’s tragic relationship with Gwen Stacey then what hope do you have?
We are introduced to Erin the sexologist. Yes, apparently teaching sexual techniques is a paying job with an official title. Well, I guess it always has been except that this is slightly more official and probably involves a test. In what would make me just walk off the set and make a beeline to knock that stupid hat off of Mystery’s head they bring out a department store mannequin for the guys to show off their technique. And we’re not talking Kristy Swanson level mannequin here. This is the Kim Cattral, you’d have to be extremely drunk, mannequin. The guys kiss the doll and vaguely grope it. I’m embarrassed just watching it.
Erin then asks if the guys know what an erogenous zone is. Matt mistakenly answers that it is where the Romulans can be found. Erin with her partner Whitney then shows off the erogenous zones apparently showing that being a sexologist seems to imply that you will make out with another woman as part of your job. And for the reward challenge the guys get 90 seconds with Erin to test their touching techniques. Which means that her job, and her entire purpose on the show, is to play two minutes in the closet with all of these guys. Now I’m embarrassed for her. Winner (chosen by Erin) gets an earpiece so Mystery can give instructions in the club.
Simeon starts first, immediately takes his shirt off and slobbers over her. This now makes me not want to be the last guy in line for this contest. Todd is shy to the point of fearfulness. Matt aims for the gentle touch and does a good job. Greg goes in with the sole goal of not passing out. Brian, our fun freak, just goes at it. Sometimes you can use awkwardness and ignorance to your advantage. Rian can be best described as clumsy and mechanical. Well, I would be too if I was having my first kiss on national television. Matt wins and gets Mystery in his ear. I would still prefer Matador talking me through the situation even if his only instructions would be yell “I’m the Matador!”
Lesson time as we talk about how to escalate with touch. For those who remember last season this is the epic “Light kino” part of the process. This is where we are taught all of the specific steps one must go through in order to reach the point where you can kiss a girl. Or at least without being slapped. Brian has been practicing his makeout techniques on a ham sandwich. At least we now know who will get the new Flavor of Love spin off. But no time for that now as we are off to the club where the goal is to kiss a girl. The guys are all anxious partly because they are unsure if they can successfully use the techniques and partly because they’ve never kissed a girl before. Let’s bring on Arizona’s finest young ladies!
First person in Axis is Simeon our super hyper rooster. He immediately locks in a two set with two girls from Pennsylvania. He gets them to a booth but does the saddest attempt at touching the girl’s leg that I’ve ever seen. Dude, at least grab her knee or something. He gets a number, which is far from a kiss. Todd starts out with a Mary Kate or Ashley question and gets shot down immediately. He is slow to recover but is able to use the same line on two other girls but that leads to a discussion on the differences between gerbils and meerkats. Now I’ve talked genetics in a bar with a woman once but I’d shy away from this topic. Not surprisingly he can’t even get a number.
Matt now enters with his guardian angel Mystery who immediately gives the advice “start with the hottest chicks and work your way backwards.” Words to live by to be sure especially as the more you drink the more the end of the curve begins to look like the beginning. After an Ocean’s Eleven line he gets the girls to the booth where one starts pulling panties out of her purse. Ok, coming from someone who has legitimately had two girls throwing punches over him in a bar parking lot I have never had that happen to me in my life. I think it actually freaks him out so he just ends up kissing her on the cheek. Sad, really.
Greg, my favorite in the contest, starts by talking about the weather. The girls aren’t interested. Wow, this is sad. The phones start coming out and it is game over. That is called crashing and burning. Rian, who really needs to add a Y to his name, uses my technique of just randomly getting women to talk to him as he passes by. This turns into a massage and an awkward but still nice kiss on the cheek. Good job for probably the geekiest guy on the show. We end with Brian and his afro. Though the guy’s fearlessness is commendable he hit a group where it didn’t work and got shot down as a result.
No one actually kissed a girl but we give Rian the win for his good work. He had a good night, comparable to some of my good nights. Not a great night but a good night. So apparently this means I earn the green medallion, representing enlightenment.
Elimination time. Mystery chews out the crew for not kissing their target and questions whether there are any true Pick Up Arists amongst them. Heard this same speech last season. Mystery then critiques each guy, getting on Todd for hovering. Wow, where have I heard that one before? The last two are Todd, who gets lost in his own head like I do, and Greg, who seems to not know how to start. Greg stays as he shows more promise. That leaves Todd to make to long walk back to his mom’s basement. Bummer because he did remind me of me.
Next week, stuff happens! Or at least I assume stuff happens as my DVR cut out the last two minutes. Still a week without Matador is a week without joy.
Live blog tomorrow. Go Obama.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Even Kang and Kodos could not save us
After a long weekend in South Bend it is slightly difficult for me to think of a blog topic. Even my standby rant about the time change doesn’t come into play this year. I was eternally grateful for the extra hour of sleep this morning and since I immediately lost that hour when I flew from Chicago to Philadelphia my body feels pretty much exactly like it should. Though I do fully expect to be complaining about how dark it is in tomorrow’s post.
I guess what I’ll write about instead is the Simpsons Halloween Special and the Simpsons in general. Now I had heard talk that this was going to be one of the best Halloween specials ever and after watching it I really have to wonder what those people were watching. True, the opening bit of Homer trying to vote for Obama only to have the machine constantly count the votes for McCain was quite good. The problem is I had already seen the bit. They had it on YouTube and I watched it weeks ago.
The rest of the episode was really ho hum. We had a Transformers parody a year after people gave a damn about Transformers. It was another “weird stuff happening as a result of a gift purchase” but it did not have the humor of say, the evil Krusty doll. (Ok, the nacho machine crying was funny.) We then had a few minutes on Homer killing celebrities which barely caused a chuckle though the opening image was really good. The ending with the retelling of the Charlie Brown Halloween episode was awesome though and probably could have been built upon. That was actually funny.
But in all honesty for what is typically one of the funniest episodes of the year there really wasn’t much humor in it at all. This has been true of the show a lot over the past few seasons. They’ve seemed to really have run out of things to do with the characters. Given that the show first came on the air in 1990 that really isn’t surprising. Not only have the fleshed out the story of all the main characters they also have full stories for Krusty, Chief Wiggum and a host of secondary characters. We’re now at the point where maybe we’ll give Jasper or Disco Stu an episode just for something different.
This makes the fact that the cast has all signed on for another three seasons all the more amazing and worrisome. It is amazing in that it is so far and away the longest running show on television that it is astounding. And it is still some of the best stuff on the air. It is just that it has lost a lot of its punch. You can’t be the voice of the alternative when you are the longest running show in history. At some point you become the mainstream. Plus, you simply run out of stories to tell. That is why they are now rewriting the past in some episodes much to the dismay of fans like me. I’ve watched every episode the show has had and I didn’t have to rent DVDs to do so. Messing with things like continuity pisses me off. I don’t want to have the show disappear from my Sunday nights but I’m not sure that I want to be watching it a decade from now if it loses everything that made it special.
Best of 120 Minutes: Yes! Social F’ing Distortion! Screw you Sony, MTV lets me embed this now. One of my favorite bands though no one will ever believe me on this point. I’ve even gone to their shows and if you know me you will wonder exactly how much I stand out. Punk rock the way I like it to be.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Iguanas “Live at Wolf Trap”
2) Rhett Miller “The Instigator”
3) Old 97’s “Fight Songs”
4) Josh Ritter “In the Dark”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Real Animal”
I guess what I’ll write about instead is the Simpsons Halloween Special and the Simpsons in general. Now I had heard talk that this was going to be one of the best Halloween specials ever and after watching it I really have to wonder what those people were watching. True, the opening bit of Homer trying to vote for Obama only to have the machine constantly count the votes for McCain was quite good. The problem is I had already seen the bit. They had it on YouTube and I watched it weeks ago.
The rest of the episode was really ho hum. We had a Transformers parody a year after people gave a damn about Transformers. It was another “weird stuff happening as a result of a gift purchase” but it did not have the humor of say, the evil Krusty doll. (Ok, the nacho machine crying was funny.) We then had a few minutes on Homer killing celebrities which barely caused a chuckle though the opening image was really good. The ending with the retelling of the Charlie Brown Halloween episode was awesome though and probably could have been built upon. That was actually funny.
But in all honesty for what is typically one of the funniest episodes of the year there really wasn’t much humor in it at all. This has been true of the show a lot over the past few seasons. They’ve seemed to really have run out of things to do with the characters. Given that the show first came on the air in 1990 that really isn’t surprising. Not only have the fleshed out the story of all the main characters they also have full stories for Krusty, Chief Wiggum and a host of secondary characters. We’re now at the point where maybe we’ll give Jasper or Disco Stu an episode just for something different.
This makes the fact that the cast has all signed on for another three seasons all the more amazing and worrisome. It is amazing in that it is so far and away the longest running show on television that it is astounding. And it is still some of the best stuff on the air. It is just that it has lost a lot of its punch. You can’t be the voice of the alternative when you are the longest running show in history. At some point you become the mainstream. Plus, you simply run out of stories to tell. That is why they are now rewriting the past in some episodes much to the dismay of fans like me. I’ve watched every episode the show has had and I didn’t have to rent DVDs to do so. Messing with things like continuity pisses me off. I don’t want to have the show disappear from my Sunday nights but I’m not sure that I want to be watching it a decade from now if it loses everything that made it special.
Best of 120 Minutes: Yes! Social F’ing Distortion! Screw you Sony, MTV lets me embed this now. One of my favorite bands though no one will ever believe me on this point. I’ve even gone to their shows and if you know me you will wonder exactly how much I stand out. Punk rock the way I like it to be.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Iguanas “Live at Wolf Trap”
2) Rhett Miller “The Instigator”
3) Old 97’s “Fight Songs”
4) Josh Ritter “In the Dark”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Real Animal”
Friday, October 31, 2008
80's Weekend Rewind #8
(Author’s Note: I’m trying out the delayed post option here so hopefully you’ll see this at some point. Also, if this isn’t proof of the awesome power of mtvmusic.com I don’t know what is. Because I’ve been wanting to post this for months but YouTube wouldn’t let me embed it.)
There is nothing more classic 80’s than Journey’s Separate Ways. Let us detail the awesomeness at hand in this one.
· Steve Perry is wearing a t-shirt that is so tight that we can see that this song is making him very excited.
· The drummer is wearing a shirt that reads “Foosball”
· Dramatic cuts! Every five seconds! Always seeming to end on a closeup of Steve Perry’s face, which is in great need of moisturizer.
· Air keyboards! Yes, someone told the keyboardist to act like he was playing despite the fact that there was nothing there.
· There is a woman powerwalking through a loading dock throughout the entire video and it is never referred to or elaborated on.
· The poor keyboardist also has to play with his keyboard attached to the side of the building.
· I believe at one point there is a closeup of Steve Perry’s mouth and I would have been glad to have gone my entire life without seeing that image.
· The other four guys in the band simultaneously turn to the camera to sing the chorus.
· The drummer is at one point playing on oil barrels. This was obviously back before it became a precious resource.
· All of the guys in the band, standing on loading pallets, trying to rock out to the camera without instruments.
And to think this was the biggest band on the planet.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I'm going as someone in the midst of a mid-life crisis
So while driving home from work today I noticed that they put up a new sign letting me know precisely when I’ve entered Delaware. This is useful because a) it lets me know that I am now in the land of no sales tax and b) in about ten minutes I will be exiting Delaware as the state is about as wide as my living room. What is more striking is what the sign itself states.
“Delaware: Small Wonder”
Do you know what this means? From now on every single time I drive home from work I will be reminded of a horrible 80’s sitcom. Night after night I am going to be forced to try to remember the girl’s name and wonder just what type of family would decide to a) purchase a robot for cleaning duty and b) decide that robot should look like a nine year old girl. Seriously, how screwed up would that dad have to be? “Here honey, I know you want to do less housework and have another child. This accomplishes both!” I’m quite confident that I will be taking a baseball bat to the sign within a month.
Since it is All Hallow’s Eve Eve I figured that I might provide some insight into Halloween. Or at least provide some reminiscences of the Halloweens of my youth. I don’t have much to discuss about the holiday as an adult. Typically I just end up in a bar, sans costume, enjoying the show around me. That did result in the girl I was chatting up one night leaving with a penguin thus causing me to really rethink my stance on global warming. As a result, I’d rather focus on the distant past, thank you very much.
I was lucky enough to be born in that wonderful time pre both the commercialism and the insane fear that has gripped the holiday. It wasn’t this massive venture in which stores pop up with the sole purpose of selling you a poorly made costume that you would wear once and throw out. No, you would find a costume, or make one, and go out. (In my family costumes tended to be reused. I think that over the course of a decade all four of the boys in the family wore the same pirate costume.) It just wasn’t a big thing to have this expensive costume. You could still get away with throwing on a sheet and calling yourself a ghost. Just as long as it wasn’t a fitted sheet.
But the bigger thing is that this was still when you went around the neighborhood by yourself and knocked on doors. I was nine in 1982 when the Tylenol scare occurred. Being from Chicago this was a huge deal as people were dying for no apparent reason. Sending your kids out to get candy from strangers suddenly sounded like a rather odd idea. That was also my last year trick or treating because I outgrew it. I never had the “Only trick or treat at houses you know” or “We do everything at the school because it is safer”. I went with my brothers through the neighborhood in search of the best loot.
There were the good houses that would allow a nice grab into the candy bin. If you were lucky you got some Nestle Crunch bars. Less lucky and you’d get some Smarties or those damn packages of two SweetTarts. That was such a lame one. At least a fun size bar gave you a decent sense of the total package. Here it was just a tease. The worst case scenario was you’d find the one person who handed out circus peanuts. No one in the history of the planet has ever eaten one of those. I think we chucked most of ours at squirrels. We even had a sweet neighbor who gave out pennies, which made us happy because we were earning a profit.
But the best neighbor, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life, gave out the following and all of my brothers will attest to this. I know no one will believe me but this is true. Every year we would make our way to one house because the dad would hand us cans of Dr. Pepper. Yes, we would knock on the door, say “Trick or Treat” and be handed a can of refreshing Dr. Pepper. Even at seven I realized that this wasn’t quite the idea. The story was that the dad worked for the bottling company but I always like to think of him as being the guy who decided to just be different because it struck him as funny.
So have fun tomorrow, all of those in search of goodies. Next week: More Pick Up Artist and Election Night Live Blog! I’ll be writing until there is a winner or I lose my sanity, whichever comes first.
“Delaware: Small Wonder”
Do you know what this means? From now on every single time I drive home from work I will be reminded of a horrible 80’s sitcom. Night after night I am going to be forced to try to remember the girl’s name and wonder just what type of family would decide to a) purchase a robot for cleaning duty and b) decide that robot should look like a nine year old girl. Seriously, how screwed up would that dad have to be? “Here honey, I know you want to do less housework and have another child. This accomplishes both!” I’m quite confident that I will be taking a baseball bat to the sign within a month.
Since it is All Hallow’s Eve Eve I figured that I might provide some insight into Halloween. Or at least provide some reminiscences of the Halloweens of my youth. I don’t have much to discuss about the holiday as an adult. Typically I just end up in a bar, sans costume, enjoying the show around me. That did result in the girl I was chatting up one night leaving with a penguin thus causing me to really rethink my stance on global warming. As a result, I’d rather focus on the distant past, thank you very much.
I was lucky enough to be born in that wonderful time pre both the commercialism and the insane fear that has gripped the holiday. It wasn’t this massive venture in which stores pop up with the sole purpose of selling you a poorly made costume that you would wear once and throw out. No, you would find a costume, or make one, and go out. (In my family costumes tended to be reused. I think that over the course of a decade all four of the boys in the family wore the same pirate costume.) It just wasn’t a big thing to have this expensive costume. You could still get away with throwing on a sheet and calling yourself a ghost. Just as long as it wasn’t a fitted sheet.
But the bigger thing is that this was still when you went around the neighborhood by yourself and knocked on doors. I was nine in 1982 when the Tylenol scare occurred. Being from Chicago this was a huge deal as people were dying for no apparent reason. Sending your kids out to get candy from strangers suddenly sounded like a rather odd idea. That was also my last year trick or treating because I outgrew it. I never had the “Only trick or treat at houses you know” or “We do everything at the school because it is safer”. I went with my brothers through the neighborhood in search of the best loot.
There were the good houses that would allow a nice grab into the candy bin. If you were lucky you got some Nestle Crunch bars. Less lucky and you’d get some Smarties or those damn packages of two SweetTarts. That was such a lame one. At least a fun size bar gave you a decent sense of the total package. Here it was just a tease. The worst case scenario was you’d find the one person who handed out circus peanuts. No one in the history of the planet has ever eaten one of those. I think we chucked most of ours at squirrels. We even had a sweet neighbor who gave out pennies, which made us happy because we were earning a profit.
But the best neighbor, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life, gave out the following and all of my brothers will attest to this. I know no one will believe me but this is true. Every year we would make our way to one house because the dad would hand us cans of Dr. Pepper. Yes, we would knock on the door, say “Trick or Treat” and be handed a can of refreshing Dr. Pepper. Even at seven I realized that this wasn’t quite the idea. The story was that the dad worked for the bottling company but I always like to think of him as being the guy who decided to just be different because it struck him as funny.
So have fun tomorrow, all of those in search of goodies. Next week: More Pick Up Artist and Election Night Live Blog! I’ll be writing until there is a winner or I lose my sanity, whichever comes first.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
The team from my general geographic region is better than yours
So I had to drive around Pennsylvania today and I would like to say one thing about this part of the country. Apparently in the several hundred years that people have lived here no one has ever thought of straight roads, signposts or streetlights. Seriously, every road is a two lane, curving deathtrap in which it is just assumed that you know that you are supposed to turn on the dirt road to get where you are going. Yes it is pretty and all but for crying out loud just cut down some of the damn trees and let me get to where I need to go. It isn’t that difficult.
It is sad but if you ask me what I miss most about Kansas City my response would be straight roads and convenient parking. I do this my friends and my trivia games a lot but oh what I would give for parking lots filled with nice, empty spaces. Spaces that you don’t have to pay for, either.
(And of course, congrats to the Phillies. I’d be celebrating but it is not like I have any emotional investment in the team. I just got here and since I do live in another state I haven’t even heard any cries of jubilation. So apologies for no in depth analysis of the game or anything even though it would be nice if every game only lasted three innings.)
I did watch the Obama infomercial which aired over most of your favorite stations. It is a daring move, replacing normal programming with a campaign ad, but it did result in a show that was more entertaining than The New Adventures of Old Christine. Admittedly so is a test pattern but still, I have to say they did a good job with it. You always have to be worried about tone in one of those ads. It can’t be too pompous or appear to be a victory speech. It had to be straightforward and it was.
To me the most interesting thing is what wasn’t said. There wasn’t a single reference to McCain or even the opposition in general. While they attacked the policies of the past eight years it was not framed in a truly negative manner. Much of the talk was about hope and about bringing the country together. This is in stark contrast to the McCain ads that ran immediately afterwards that had stark black and white images and tried to imply that Obama is pure evil.
While negative ads have their place and they do work I think McCain has really made a mistake in going so negative. It is not a question that Obama does not have flaws that need pointing out. He certainly does. The problem is more of a misreading of the current state of the American culture. We as a people are tired. We’ve had seven years of wars including five of which are in a place we realized we never needed to invade in the first place. Over the past few months the economy has fallen apart and we are all significantly poorer than before. And more than anything our government has gotten mean and opaque. Lots of hidden agendas and secrets that when released go against what most people stand for. We don’t want attacks and negativity. We want solutions and hope for a better tomorrow. That is why Obama’s message has resonated so strongly in the past two years. Right now the country needs an emotional leader as much as a practical one and that is what he is best at. Why the Republicans have stayed so negative I’ll never understand.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I hate to say this but thank you MTV. Some of you may know but MTV just launched www.mtvmusic.com, which is essentially just all of their videos in a YouTube format. More importantly from my standpoint they are a lot more open to embedding videos. Hence, I can finally post a Jeff Buckley video to my blog. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Pretty much the entire purpose of this blog is to keep Jeff’s memory alive.
It is sad but if you ask me what I miss most about Kansas City my response would be straight roads and convenient parking. I do this my friends and my trivia games a lot but oh what I would give for parking lots filled with nice, empty spaces. Spaces that you don’t have to pay for, either.
(And of course, congrats to the Phillies. I’d be celebrating but it is not like I have any emotional investment in the team. I just got here and since I do live in another state I haven’t even heard any cries of jubilation. So apologies for no in depth analysis of the game or anything even though it would be nice if every game only lasted three innings.)
I did watch the Obama infomercial which aired over most of your favorite stations. It is a daring move, replacing normal programming with a campaign ad, but it did result in a show that was more entertaining than The New Adventures of Old Christine. Admittedly so is a test pattern but still, I have to say they did a good job with it. You always have to be worried about tone in one of those ads. It can’t be too pompous or appear to be a victory speech. It had to be straightforward and it was.
To me the most interesting thing is what wasn’t said. There wasn’t a single reference to McCain or even the opposition in general. While they attacked the policies of the past eight years it was not framed in a truly negative manner. Much of the talk was about hope and about bringing the country together. This is in stark contrast to the McCain ads that ran immediately afterwards that had stark black and white images and tried to imply that Obama is pure evil.
While negative ads have their place and they do work I think McCain has really made a mistake in going so negative. It is not a question that Obama does not have flaws that need pointing out. He certainly does. The problem is more of a misreading of the current state of the American culture. We as a people are tired. We’ve had seven years of wars including five of which are in a place we realized we never needed to invade in the first place. Over the past few months the economy has fallen apart and we are all significantly poorer than before. And more than anything our government has gotten mean and opaque. Lots of hidden agendas and secrets that when released go against what most people stand for. We don’t want attacks and negativity. We want solutions and hope for a better tomorrow. That is why Obama’s message has resonated so strongly in the past two years. Right now the country needs an emotional leader as much as a practical one and that is what he is best at. Why the Republicans have stayed so negative I’ll never understand.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I hate to say this but thank you MTV. Some of you may know but MTV just launched www.mtvmusic.com, which is essentially just all of their videos in a YouTube format. More importantly from my standpoint they are a lot more open to embedding videos. Hence, I can finally post a Jeff Buckley video to my blog. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. Pretty much the entire purpose of this blog is to keep Jeff’s memory alive.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Who shall I be?
(For those curious, tomorrow is the anniversary of the 1929 stock market crash. Just keep that in mind as you watch the market. In advance of that, please join me in celebrating National Chocolate Day. Because you need something to help you through the day.)
There is something about this time of year that always drives you to a sense of gloom. There is a reason why we celebrate Halloween when we do. Over the past few weeks night has come much quicker and whereas you used to drive home in the daylight now you make the trek in darkness with the dying leaves still holding on to the trees. The chill in the air, the steady rain, all signs that summer is over and it is time to begin to hunker down for winter.
That makes things interesting for me as I just got here. I’ve only been in town two months and have barely gotten settled in myself. Now as I start getting the itch to head out and see what this area has to offer everyone else aims to close up shop for a little while. It is much easier to get a sense of a town when you are not bundled up against the elements.
But I think this will be useful for me as I need to take some time out to reassess my priorities. Now I was obviously doing this while I was unemployed and spending most of my day on my couch but I need to really figure out what my goals are. And when I say goals I mean that in a very literal sense. I keep my goals written on note cards in my wallet. These goals are now five years old though and they are in definite need of refreshing.
I’m not sure if other people are like this. I’ve had very good friends just stare blankly at me as I describe how I develop five year plans for my life. They can’t understand how anyone can try to draft what their future will be. I try to explain that it isn’t meant to be a step by step blueprint for my life but more like where I would prefer my destination. How I get there, and if I get there at all, is entirely up to me.
I’m not sure where I am going with this (sorry, been a long day) but it is going to be an interesting few weeks for me. Now that I have taken care of the pressing concerns of moving and getting settled into my new job I really need to look at who I am and decide if this is what I want to be. I have a good life, don’t get me wrong, but there are improvements to be made and some of them will not be easy for me to admit to myself. So if you happen to run into me at a coffee shop or at the end of a bar sometime in the near future and I appear deep in thought there is a good reason. I’m trying to decide my future.
There is something about this time of year that always drives you to a sense of gloom. There is a reason why we celebrate Halloween when we do. Over the past few weeks night has come much quicker and whereas you used to drive home in the daylight now you make the trek in darkness with the dying leaves still holding on to the trees. The chill in the air, the steady rain, all signs that summer is over and it is time to begin to hunker down for winter.
That makes things interesting for me as I just got here. I’ve only been in town two months and have barely gotten settled in myself. Now as I start getting the itch to head out and see what this area has to offer everyone else aims to close up shop for a little while. It is much easier to get a sense of a town when you are not bundled up against the elements.
But I think this will be useful for me as I need to take some time out to reassess my priorities. Now I was obviously doing this while I was unemployed and spending most of my day on my couch but I need to really figure out what my goals are. And when I say goals I mean that in a very literal sense. I keep my goals written on note cards in my wallet. These goals are now five years old though and they are in definite need of refreshing.
I’m not sure if other people are like this. I’ve had very good friends just stare blankly at me as I describe how I develop five year plans for my life. They can’t understand how anyone can try to draft what their future will be. I try to explain that it isn’t meant to be a step by step blueprint for my life but more like where I would prefer my destination. How I get there, and if I get there at all, is entirely up to me.
I’m not sure where I am going with this (sorry, been a long day) but it is going to be an interesting few weeks for me. Now that I have taken care of the pressing concerns of moving and getting settled into my new job I really need to look at who I am and decide if this is what I want to be. I have a good life, don’t get me wrong, but there are improvements to be made and some of them will not be easy for me to admit to myself. So if you happen to run into me at a coffee shop or at the end of a bar sometime in the near future and I appear deep in thought there is a good reason. I’m trying to decide my future.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I am only Mystery's Padwan
I’ve received several emails over the past few days all asking the same question. “EC, you are an amazing and happening guy. What qualifies you to comment on a show like The Pick Up Artist?” Well, this weekend provides the proof that I have my geek bona fides in order. I went home to see my parents and I was met with the first of what I assume will be many boxes of mine still stored in the basement. In it was the greatest gift I could ever be given. Yes, I have been reunited with my Star Wars figures. Not only did my face light up and I yelled out “Sweet!” but I brought them home with me in my carry-on luggage because I didn’t trust the airline with them. That, my friends, is what makes me qualified to write this. Nothing can come between me and my Boba Fett.
Anyway, let’s see what Mystery has in store for the Scooby Squad this week.
Episode 3: Hello, Nurse!
In last week’s episode Mr. Moore taught his students the importance of confidence. Dan impressed the women at bingo, Arvid got a girl to hug him at a bar and Jawarahal crashed and burned and was expelled from the school. What life lessons will Mr. Moore instill in his students this week? Will they be stunned by the appearance of a Scottish comedian as their new teacher? And why the hell wasn’t there a hot, redhead, poet in any of my honor classes? Only time will tell.
Like every reality show since the beginning of time the show begins with a recap of the previous episode and several contestants expressing a) their shock that someone was eliminated and b) their sadness regarding their fellow competitor. Why the rules of the show surprises them always bothers me and just once I want to see someone jump up and down and go “As long as I’m not eliminated I don’t give a damn what happens.” At least it would be honest.
So the guys make their way to a medical institute. Wonder if the doctors will list this one on their resume? The idea, and I have to admit that it is a really good one, is that your own body can undermine you when you talk to someone for the first time. When you are flush with attraction the sweaty palms, nervous laughter and quickening of speech can end your chances before you even get a sentence out. Control your body and you are one step closer to your goal. This is actually an important lesson.
Of course, we teach this lesson by strapping the guys into a bunch of biofeedback sensors and then having Nurse Samantha, who apparently has just gotten off the main stage at Bazookas, come in for a private consultation. Why no, this show doesn’t objectify women at all. Why do you ask? Per our little labels, Brian has never seen a naked woman before. Another one of those things you would never want to admit. Not as bad as Rian “Sleeps with a teddy bear”, but still bad. Essentially what you have is the guys trying to stay calm while this hot woman strips. While I’d stay calm in this challenge I would lose if only because they hit one of my weak points. Greg wins the challenge, if only because he was the only one who looked like he was actually enjoying himself, and gets to hang with Mystery in the surveillance van. Yeah, I really want to be alone in a van with a guy who wears makeup.
Class time and the focus is still on self-awareness and body language and for this lesson we get the return of Kosmo! Last year’s winner returns with his master pick up artist medallion and his stories about traveling the country teaching men how to talk to women. Seriously, people pay to listen to Kosmo. Nice to know that there are people sadder than me in this world. Main lessons are on how to stand, how to not invade people’s space and taking into account your nervousness. I would honestly like an hour on this lesson. It is my biggest issue.
Challenge time as the goal is to see who is best with their body language. Not sure exactly how this is measured but if anyone has a metric for it I bet it is Mystery. Anyway, time to hit the club so let’s bring on the awkward conversations!
Brian heads in first and immediately heads straight towards the bachelorette party. Oh that is just not fair. Anyone can get attention from a bachelorette party. He does have this manic energy about him but he carries it with a harmless vibe. I’m changing my opinion on him. He’s the guy you would want with you in a club because he attracts attention but wouldn’t get in your way. Rian, who carries with him my grim look of determination, actually starts a conversation with “Did you know that Elvis dyed his hair” and it amazingly works. His only mistake was focusing on one girl and trying to remove her from the pack. That is an advanced move and should not be tried at his level of Pick Up Artistry.
Everyone’s friend Todd makes progress with the Herman question (dudes named Herman apparently never get dates and must hate this show), convinces four girls to go to his VIP booth and gets phone numbers and a kiss on the cheek. Excellent job though I hate the fact that VIP booths are used as part of the contestants arsenal. Not all of us have those. Heck, most places I go to don’t have those. Matt, on the other hand, has two girls walk away from him while he is asking them about Sex and the City proving once again that everyone hates that show.
Simeon, who has been lectured all show to stop being so damn fidgety, has the weirdest energy level. He’s like a kid who has eaten about ten bowls of Super Sugar Crisp and is now trying to sit quietly in church. You can actually see him vibrate with energy. Sadly, while Brian turns his manic energy into a positive Simeon just comes across as a creepy guy. He’s a nice guy but just weird. Last week’s near evictee Karl is, in the words of Mystery, not reaching the girls’ spirit when he talks to them. I’m not paid nearly enough to figure out what the hell that means.
Greg, who has been sitting in the van quietly wondering just why he signed up for this show, is our final entry in the club du jour. He does a lot of body rocking (which has been mentioned all episode so now I have a Moby song in my head) and picks up two rather attractive women. Good job and I like the guy. He’s gone from being your IT tech to being a guy you would actually want to hang with. He also wins the field test and has immunity and the honor of choosing two wingmen to save from elimination.
We head off to the Elimination Chamber and Mystery introduces us to the newest medallion in the collection. I am really confident that the mystical symbols came straight from a Dungeons and Dragons handbook. Greg decides to name Matt and Brian as his wingmen even though Matt has a ton of weaknesses and even Mystery said he would have eliminated him this week. Wow, strategy in The Pick Up Artist. Our final two are Karl and Rian and they both have a look of utter fear on their faces. In the end Karl is sent back to Radio Shack. Sigh. If there is a worse fate known to man I am unaware of it.
Next week. Erogenous zones! Kissing! Random groping! Hopefully not amongst the contestants.
Anyway, let’s see what Mystery has in store for the Scooby Squad this week.
Episode 3: Hello, Nurse!
In last week’s episode Mr. Moore taught his students the importance of confidence. Dan impressed the women at bingo, Arvid got a girl to hug him at a bar and Jawarahal crashed and burned and was expelled from the school. What life lessons will Mr. Moore instill in his students this week? Will they be stunned by the appearance of a Scottish comedian as their new teacher? And why the hell wasn’t there a hot, redhead, poet in any of my honor classes? Only time will tell.
Like every reality show since the beginning of time the show begins with a recap of the previous episode and several contestants expressing a) their shock that someone was eliminated and b) their sadness regarding their fellow competitor. Why the rules of the show surprises them always bothers me and just once I want to see someone jump up and down and go “As long as I’m not eliminated I don’t give a damn what happens.” At least it would be honest.
So the guys make their way to a medical institute. Wonder if the doctors will list this one on their resume? The idea, and I have to admit that it is a really good one, is that your own body can undermine you when you talk to someone for the first time. When you are flush with attraction the sweaty palms, nervous laughter and quickening of speech can end your chances before you even get a sentence out. Control your body and you are one step closer to your goal. This is actually an important lesson.
Of course, we teach this lesson by strapping the guys into a bunch of biofeedback sensors and then having Nurse Samantha, who apparently has just gotten off the main stage at Bazookas, come in for a private consultation. Why no, this show doesn’t objectify women at all. Why do you ask? Per our little labels, Brian has never seen a naked woman before. Another one of those things you would never want to admit. Not as bad as Rian “Sleeps with a teddy bear”, but still bad. Essentially what you have is the guys trying to stay calm while this hot woman strips. While I’d stay calm in this challenge I would lose if only because they hit one of my weak points. Greg wins the challenge, if only because he was the only one who looked like he was actually enjoying himself, and gets to hang with Mystery in the surveillance van. Yeah, I really want to be alone in a van with a guy who wears makeup.
Class time and the focus is still on self-awareness and body language and for this lesson we get the return of Kosmo! Last year’s winner returns with his master pick up artist medallion and his stories about traveling the country teaching men how to talk to women. Seriously, people pay to listen to Kosmo. Nice to know that there are people sadder than me in this world. Main lessons are on how to stand, how to not invade people’s space and taking into account your nervousness. I would honestly like an hour on this lesson. It is my biggest issue.
Challenge time as the goal is to see who is best with their body language. Not sure exactly how this is measured but if anyone has a metric for it I bet it is Mystery. Anyway, time to hit the club so let’s bring on the awkward conversations!
Brian heads in first and immediately heads straight towards the bachelorette party. Oh that is just not fair. Anyone can get attention from a bachelorette party. He does have this manic energy about him but he carries it with a harmless vibe. I’m changing my opinion on him. He’s the guy you would want with you in a club because he attracts attention but wouldn’t get in your way. Rian, who carries with him my grim look of determination, actually starts a conversation with “Did you know that Elvis dyed his hair” and it amazingly works. His only mistake was focusing on one girl and trying to remove her from the pack. That is an advanced move and should not be tried at his level of Pick Up Artistry.
Everyone’s friend Todd makes progress with the Herman question (dudes named Herman apparently never get dates and must hate this show), convinces four girls to go to his VIP booth and gets phone numbers and a kiss on the cheek. Excellent job though I hate the fact that VIP booths are used as part of the contestants arsenal. Not all of us have those. Heck, most places I go to don’t have those. Matt, on the other hand, has two girls walk away from him while he is asking them about Sex and the City proving once again that everyone hates that show.
Simeon, who has been lectured all show to stop being so damn fidgety, has the weirdest energy level. He’s like a kid who has eaten about ten bowls of Super Sugar Crisp and is now trying to sit quietly in church. You can actually see him vibrate with energy. Sadly, while Brian turns his manic energy into a positive Simeon just comes across as a creepy guy. He’s a nice guy but just weird. Last week’s near evictee Karl is, in the words of Mystery, not reaching the girls’ spirit when he talks to them. I’m not paid nearly enough to figure out what the hell that means.
Greg, who has been sitting in the van quietly wondering just why he signed up for this show, is our final entry in the club du jour. He does a lot of body rocking (which has been mentioned all episode so now I have a Moby song in my head) and picks up two rather attractive women. Good job and I like the guy. He’s gone from being your IT tech to being a guy you would actually want to hang with. He also wins the field test and has immunity and the honor of choosing two wingmen to save from elimination.
We head off to the Elimination Chamber and Mystery introduces us to the newest medallion in the collection. I am really confident that the mystical symbols came straight from a Dungeons and Dragons handbook. Greg decides to name Matt and Brian as his wingmen even though Matt has a ton of weaknesses and even Mystery said he would have eliminated him this week. Wow, strategy in The Pick Up Artist. Our final two are Karl and Rian and they both have a look of utter fear on their faces. In the end Karl is sent back to Radio Shack. Sigh. If there is a worse fate known to man I am unaware of it.
Next week. Erogenous zones! Kissing! Random groping! Hopefully not amongst the contestants.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
A time for change
[Steps on soapbox]
[Realizes that he has never actually seen a soapbox before and now decides to stand on a large mound of Irish Spring 4-packs]
More than anything this blog was started four years ago in response to a bumper sticker I saw in the parking lot of my office. I was working in Kansas at the time for reasons that have never been quite clear. While stumbling my way through the garage in order to spend another soul draining eight hours in a cubicle I saw on a truck the following statement: “Ten out of ten terrorists agree: Vote Democratic.”
To say that this bothered me does not do it justice. If it wasn’t for the fact that I hold the first amendment above all else I probably would have taken out his rear window with a five iron. There is a reason why the founding fathers made the freedom of expression the preeminent right of all citizens. We have the God given right to speak our mind no matter how idiotic those statements may be. And that statement, offhandedly contending that anyone with opposing views is a terrorist, just struck me to my core. My main thought wasn’t that I was upset for finding myself in a red state or that my company was filled with people who I could not on any level agree with. No, reading that bumper sticker made me ashamed to be a human being.
At the time I had hoped that the country would come around to my point of view. To see that intolerance and bigotry and close-mindedness was not the solution. Instead Bush defeated Kerry and immediately after the election I launched this site and named it Battling the Current because one of my main points was that I was battling the current nature of our society. I looked out at what was around me and couldn’t believe that we had all allowed ourselves to live in such a dare I say hostile fashion. My goal has been to document a world gone wrong.
Without a doubt the last four years and more accurately the last eight have been that of a nation on the wrong track. While I could understand a war for oil I could not believe that we would ever fight a war on false pretenses with no concept of what the results might be. I never imagined that my government would condone torture and ignore the tenets of justice that our country was founded out. And I don’t believe that I will ever forgive an administration that allowed the people of New Orleans to suffer helplessly while they stood by and watched. Those were not actions that represented the country I believed in, the country my relatives came to in order to start anew, the country my relatives fought to protect.
This is the main reason why I am supporting Obama for president. I have been watching his career for several years (the benefit of being from Illinois) and what has struck me the most about him is the fact that he has made me proud to be an American. He represents what this country could be. When I watched him make his speech at the Old State Capitol declaring his intent to run for president it was the first time I had ever truly been moved by a political speech. Listening to him talk you are struck by this sense of hope and this feeling that we can have our country back.
Obama is not perfect, of course. He is a politician to be sure. There are flaws with some policies and others would never be practical. But that is true of all politicians. What I want right now is someone who will bring a sense of peace and sensibility to the country. Someone who we can look up to with a sense of pride. I truly feel that Obama is that man.
The election is in nine days. All I ask of anyone is that they vote. I don’t care who you vote for. If you vote for McCain (whose life story does deserve admiration) so be it. If you vote for Nader, well, have a wheatgrass smoothie on me. But this is as important of an election as I have ever seen. A down economy, a country at war abroad and with itself, all of which must be addressed if we are to become the shining city on the hill that we long to be. Vote for the candidate who can bring us closer to that dream.
[Steps off the teetering remains of a malformed hill of lower quality cleansing bars]
Best of 120 Minutes: Given my essay I felt that the only person who can follow it is one of my idols, Joe Strummer. Speak truth to power at all times.
The five random CDs for the week
1) The New Pornographers “Challengers”
2) Various Artists “The Return of the Grievous Angel”
3) Sufjan Stevens “The Avalanche”
4) Jack Johnson “On and On”
5) Jon Dee Graham “Swept Away”
[Realizes that he has never actually seen a soapbox before and now decides to stand on a large mound of Irish Spring 4-packs]
More than anything this blog was started four years ago in response to a bumper sticker I saw in the parking lot of my office. I was working in Kansas at the time for reasons that have never been quite clear. While stumbling my way through the garage in order to spend another soul draining eight hours in a cubicle I saw on a truck the following statement: “Ten out of ten terrorists agree: Vote Democratic.”
To say that this bothered me does not do it justice. If it wasn’t for the fact that I hold the first amendment above all else I probably would have taken out his rear window with a five iron. There is a reason why the founding fathers made the freedom of expression the preeminent right of all citizens. We have the God given right to speak our mind no matter how idiotic those statements may be. And that statement, offhandedly contending that anyone with opposing views is a terrorist, just struck me to my core. My main thought wasn’t that I was upset for finding myself in a red state or that my company was filled with people who I could not on any level agree with. No, reading that bumper sticker made me ashamed to be a human being.
At the time I had hoped that the country would come around to my point of view. To see that intolerance and bigotry and close-mindedness was not the solution. Instead Bush defeated Kerry and immediately after the election I launched this site and named it Battling the Current because one of my main points was that I was battling the current nature of our society. I looked out at what was around me and couldn’t believe that we had all allowed ourselves to live in such a dare I say hostile fashion. My goal has been to document a world gone wrong.
Without a doubt the last four years and more accurately the last eight have been that of a nation on the wrong track. While I could understand a war for oil I could not believe that we would ever fight a war on false pretenses with no concept of what the results might be. I never imagined that my government would condone torture and ignore the tenets of justice that our country was founded out. And I don’t believe that I will ever forgive an administration that allowed the people of New Orleans to suffer helplessly while they stood by and watched. Those were not actions that represented the country I believed in, the country my relatives came to in order to start anew, the country my relatives fought to protect.
This is the main reason why I am supporting Obama for president. I have been watching his career for several years (the benefit of being from Illinois) and what has struck me the most about him is the fact that he has made me proud to be an American. He represents what this country could be. When I watched him make his speech at the Old State Capitol declaring his intent to run for president it was the first time I had ever truly been moved by a political speech. Listening to him talk you are struck by this sense of hope and this feeling that we can have our country back.
Obama is not perfect, of course. He is a politician to be sure. There are flaws with some policies and others would never be practical. But that is true of all politicians. What I want right now is someone who will bring a sense of peace and sensibility to the country. Someone who we can look up to with a sense of pride. I truly feel that Obama is that man.
The election is in nine days. All I ask of anyone is that they vote. I don’t care who you vote for. If you vote for McCain (whose life story does deserve admiration) so be it. If you vote for Nader, well, have a wheatgrass smoothie on me. But this is as important of an election as I have ever seen. A down economy, a country at war abroad and with itself, all of which must be addressed if we are to become the shining city on the hill that we long to be. Vote for the candidate who can bring us closer to that dream.
[Steps off the teetering remains of a malformed hill of lower quality cleansing bars]
Best of 120 Minutes: Given my essay I felt that the only person who can follow it is one of my idols, Joe Strummer. Speak truth to power at all times.
The five random CDs for the week
1) The New Pornographers “Challengers”
2) Various Artists “The Return of the Grievous Angel”
3) Sufjan Stevens “The Avalanche”
4) Jack Johnson “On and On”
5) Jon Dee Graham “Swept Away”
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I knew Ted shouldn't have trusted Becky...
As some of you have noticed I now have this little gizmo on the blog that tracks where my traffic originates. It is a rather fascinating little feature especially when it shows that someone in China has read my blog. That just amazes me. I know that with over a billion people the odds of one of them coming across my website is decent but I can’t imagine any of my usual topics interesting someone in Beijing. Maybe there are a surprising number of Lindsay Lohan fans over there.
(And I can’t believe that they’ve decided to cut My Beloved Lindsay’s role on Ugly Betty. I will now officially boycott the show. True, I wasn’t watching it in the first place but now I really won’t watch it.)
The reason I mention this is because I got the biggest smile today when I saw that the circle representing London grew today. To whoever is checking out the site from merry old England a whole load of thanks. It made me feel like I was an international superstar or something.
Completely random TV note: After seeing Sheldon wear one on The Big Bang Theory I’ve decided that I need to get a t-shirt that features the logo from The Greatest American Hero. I think I would wear that shirt every day of my life. I would also carry a boom box playing the theme song, assuming that boom boxes actually still exist. “Believe it or not I’m walking on air…”
Anyway, I’m just in a television mood at the moment and since I am now caught up on How I Met Your Mother I need to discuss what we learned in this week’s episode. As I felt all along, Ted and Stella’s wedding fell apart with Ted essentially being left at the altar. This made sense given that the entire premise of the show is Future Ted telling his kids how he met their mother and you would think they would put the pieces together given that if Stella was their mom they would have a half sister. But it was a little bit of a shock when they actually had Stella in an imagined future scene mentioning that she was their mother.
The more important thing is that this was the first show in ages that felt like a show from the first two seasons when it was actually good. Barney was at his best at the whiteboard calculating precisely how to score with Robin. Robin finally got to do something by arguing with Ted about how he was going way too fast and “that this isn’t the Ted I know.” That is pretty much what all of us fans have been saying as the Ted of the past year has been unlikable and given that he is based on me that is a rather sucky view of my own self. And Marshall and Lilly are funny as always, which is what the show needs.
There was one interesting point raised on the show that I truly want opinions on. The plot hinged on having exes at the wedding and how you don’t want to have them there. While I haven’t come to a wedding question I am really intrigued by how people treat their past relationships. There are some that claim that no guy is friendly with an ex-girlfriend unless he is hoping for their status to change. While I agree that that is initially true with time and distance things can change. I’m friends with people from my past and despite some awkwardness I’m really happy for it.
My question is should I tell a woman that I’ve just started dating that I still talk with an ex-girlfriend? Is this a horrible no no? That even though someone may live states away, that she has moved on her life in such a way that I might as well play Powerball than hope that she will take me back because my odds would be better, that the mere fact that it is known that I care about someone else puts me in a bad spot? Or does it show that I’m mature and understand that not everything works out? I’m really curious as to what people think about this. It would never stop me from being friends with someone from my past but I might change how I present it.
That is all for tonight. Have a great weekend everyone.
(And I can’t believe that they’ve decided to cut My Beloved Lindsay’s role on Ugly Betty. I will now officially boycott the show. True, I wasn’t watching it in the first place but now I really won’t watch it.)
The reason I mention this is because I got the biggest smile today when I saw that the circle representing London grew today. To whoever is checking out the site from merry old England a whole load of thanks. It made me feel like I was an international superstar or something.
Completely random TV note: After seeing Sheldon wear one on The Big Bang Theory I’ve decided that I need to get a t-shirt that features the logo from The Greatest American Hero. I think I would wear that shirt every day of my life. I would also carry a boom box playing the theme song, assuming that boom boxes actually still exist. “Believe it or not I’m walking on air…”
Anyway, I’m just in a television mood at the moment and since I am now caught up on How I Met Your Mother I need to discuss what we learned in this week’s episode. As I felt all along, Ted and Stella’s wedding fell apart with Ted essentially being left at the altar. This made sense given that the entire premise of the show is Future Ted telling his kids how he met their mother and you would think they would put the pieces together given that if Stella was their mom they would have a half sister. But it was a little bit of a shock when they actually had Stella in an imagined future scene mentioning that she was their mother.
The more important thing is that this was the first show in ages that felt like a show from the first two seasons when it was actually good. Barney was at his best at the whiteboard calculating precisely how to score with Robin. Robin finally got to do something by arguing with Ted about how he was going way too fast and “that this isn’t the Ted I know.” That is pretty much what all of us fans have been saying as the Ted of the past year has been unlikable and given that he is based on me that is a rather sucky view of my own self. And Marshall and Lilly are funny as always, which is what the show needs.
There was one interesting point raised on the show that I truly want opinions on. The plot hinged on having exes at the wedding and how you don’t want to have them there. While I haven’t come to a wedding question I am really intrigued by how people treat their past relationships. There are some that claim that no guy is friendly with an ex-girlfriend unless he is hoping for their status to change. While I agree that that is initially true with time and distance things can change. I’m friends with people from my past and despite some awkwardness I’m really happy for it.
My question is should I tell a woman that I’ve just started dating that I still talk with an ex-girlfriend? Is this a horrible no no? That even though someone may live states away, that she has moved on her life in such a way that I might as well play Powerball than hope that she will take me back because my odds would be better, that the mere fact that it is known that I care about someone else puts me in a bad spot? Or does it show that I’m mature and understand that not everything works out? I’m really curious as to what people think about this. It would never stop me from being friends with someone from my past but I might change how I present it.
That is all for tonight. Have a great weekend everyone.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Fraternity flags to be flown at half staff
The economic news is getting worse and worse. I know that companies need to reexamine their cost structures and perform some belt tightening but this is the worst news that I have heard in ages. I recommend sitting down before reading the following news item. Actually, if you are reading my blog while standing I am really curious as to how you are accessing it. Ok, brace yourself…
Miller has ceased production of Zima.
Now this raises several questions. First is “You mean they were still making Zima?” It’s a bit of a surprise that they were still brewing it. I just assumed that they were still selling the batch they brewed in 1995 and only now had come down to the last bottle. Second is “What will douchebags drink now?” Has there ever been a drink so universally ridiculed as Zima. Meaning that there was a certain type of guy who would drink Zima and everyone agreed that they would want to stay as far away from that guy as is possible. But living in a world without Zima is like living in a world without koala bears. Sure, their extinction has no ill effects on the state of the planet and yes they are so cute to be annoying but their presence makes the world a more interesting place.
Side note: I think that we have reached the point where “Dow Jones posts triple digit loss” no longer has to be shown as “Breaking News” on CNBC. At this point it should just be called “Your typical Wednesday.”
I’m not going to write much tonight (my recaps the past two nights were long enough) but I need to discuss something from my apartment that amazes me. Now my exercise room is on the second floor and I live on a floor significantly higher than that. As a result, I take the elevator back up to my apartment thereby negating my entire workout. But that isn’t what I am writing about.
On numerous occasions the following has happened. The elevator doors open on the second floor and someone gets off. I hit my floor button and notice that another button is already lit. Right as the doors close I hear the person swear as they realize they got off on the wrong floor. Now, I can understand that in a general sense. But if you were expecting to get off on the twelfth floor and instead got off on the second wouldn’t you at least think that the elevator ride went a lot quicker than usual? And wouldn’t the horribly sweaty guy who just got on the elevator be a bit of an indication that something is different? Just a thought.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I use the term friend of the blog rather broadly. There isn’t really a criteria. However, Maggie Walters is a true friend of the blog in that she actually showed up at my office once just so I could have a copy of her latest CD. As a result I do everything in my power to help publicize her. Here is a fan video featuring her song “Sundays”. Enjoy.
Miller has ceased production of Zima.
Now this raises several questions. First is “You mean they were still making Zima?” It’s a bit of a surprise that they were still brewing it. I just assumed that they were still selling the batch they brewed in 1995 and only now had come down to the last bottle. Second is “What will douchebags drink now?” Has there ever been a drink so universally ridiculed as Zima. Meaning that there was a certain type of guy who would drink Zima and everyone agreed that they would want to stay as far away from that guy as is possible. But living in a world without Zima is like living in a world without koala bears. Sure, their extinction has no ill effects on the state of the planet and yes they are so cute to be annoying but their presence makes the world a more interesting place.
Side note: I think that we have reached the point where “Dow Jones posts triple digit loss” no longer has to be shown as “Breaking News” on CNBC. At this point it should just be called “Your typical Wednesday.”
I’m not going to write much tonight (my recaps the past two nights were long enough) but I need to discuss something from my apartment that amazes me. Now my exercise room is on the second floor and I live on a floor significantly higher than that. As a result, I take the elevator back up to my apartment thereby negating my entire workout. But that isn’t what I am writing about.
On numerous occasions the following has happened. The elevator doors open on the second floor and someone gets off. I hit my floor button and notice that another button is already lit. Right as the doors close I hear the person swear as they realize they got off on the wrong floor. Now, I can understand that in a general sense. But if you were expecting to get off on the twelfth floor and instead got off on the second wouldn’t you at least think that the elevator ride went a lot quicker than usual? And wouldn’t the horribly sweaty guy who just got on the elevator be a bit of an indication that something is different? Just a thought.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I use the term friend of the blog rather broadly. There isn’t really a criteria. However, Maggie Walters is a true friend of the blog in that she actually showed up at my office once just so I could have a copy of her latest CD. As a result I do everything in my power to help publicize her. Here is a fan video featuring her song “Sundays”. Enjoy.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
This conversation has already been scripted
Time for more lessons from Mystery and Matador and….Tara? I have no problems with the name Tara but if you are going to have a wingwoman shouldn’t she have a cool name like, I don’t know, Harley Quinn or Poison Ivy or Invisible Woman? How dumb would it sound saying “I’d like you to meet my friends Matador and Tara.” Anyway, on to the show.
Episode 2: Can I borrow your napkin my car just hit a water buffalo
When last we left our band of Mario Brothers in search of Princess Peach they had ventured into the magic kingdom of clubs and fell down the sewer pipe only to have Mystery rescue them and provide them with a new suit of powers. Sadly, Alex was devoured by Bowser and now only eight contestants remain. We’re at the early point in a reality show where you have too many contestants and not enough stories.
We start with the fabled reality cliché “Oh my God I can’t believe that someone was eliminated” moment. Despite the fact that it is the entire point of the show contestants are always stunned by this. At least they aren’t crying over the departure of some dude they met yesterday. Rian is also shown as a videogame salesman. That is sad.
The crew meets Mystery outside of an “Italian Club”. That is literally what it says on the awning. Apparently Arizona is the land of generic places. This is the reward challenge where the guys will need to make conversation with women in order to get over their nervousness and awkwardness. Winner receives one of Mystery’s accessories and a personal lesson from Mystery on how to use it. Seriously? It needs instructions? What the hell?
Anyway, the guys all run in with the hope that it is a strip club. Sadly that is an advanced lesson and instead are led into a bingo parlor. Which, to be honest, is a lot more of what I envision the Arizona club scene to be like. At least most of the guys realize that the point is to make conversations with anyone. Kevin (or possibly Kumar) asks if they have any stories from World War II. Brian scares them but to be honest he scares me. Matt wins in a landslide and deservedly so. The guy actually looks good in a suit as well.
Class time as the guys break out the notebooks. Today the lesson is on indirect openers as you cannot just walk up to a woman and tell her that she is beautiful. Instead you must discuss this fight outside while saying you have only a minute to talk. Also, there is apparently a way you need to stand. Greg agrees with my sentiment that I was unaware that I was standing incorrectly my entire life. Matt gets his award which is a black feathered boa. Wow, great reward. You get to look like a guy who wears a black feathered boa.
The guys then make their way to the club for their first field test. The fact that they are all on a bus frantically reviewing pages of notes on opening lines is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. I’m waiting for one to have notes written on their hands. But soon enough they are time at the club and it is time to bring on the ladies…
We start with Matt and the “scarf”. He has trouble starting a set even when the women come up to him. He is actually stunned when a women starts talking to him as it has never happened before. (Really? Drunk chicks talk to me all the time and I’m not even trying.) He does finally meet someone, gives her the scarf but then takes it bad and strikes out. Todd, our super nice guy, just out and out nails it. Best I’ve ever seen it done on this show because it doesn’t look staged.
(Also, Matador has some serious biceps. Wow.)
Greg rushes into things with a story that goes nowhere. He recovers but then flees like a frightened rabbit when he makes the rookie mistake of not talking to the girl’s friend. Rian does a better job than I would have expected and was smart enough to talk to the guy first at a table in order to look non-threatening. Simeon walks in and immediately is told to go screw off. He does need to tone down his energy level.
Karl, the Radio Shack employee of the month, is talking to himself. He needs a drink. Brian and his afro mentions that he likes pickle juice. I’ll have to say that despite the fact that I think he is a freak he works the room with a manic style and ends up getting hugs from girls. Maybe you just need to put yourself out there. Kevin (or possibly Harold) enters the White Castle of Fear and starts swearing every third word. He does at least mention contingency plans in his post-interview, which rules. Brian wins. I did not see that coming. He then cries over having to choose wingmen. I haven’t seen this much emotion from a guy since the release of the latest World of Warcraft expansion pack.
Elimination time as well as the handing out of the magic medallions. I have yet to figure out why they need these things or why they have mystical symbols on them. Elimination comes down to Karl and Kevin. And in the end Kevin gets eliminated which is good because I don’t believe I have any more White Castle puns left in me. Mystery made the right call. You just don’t go up to random women in a club and start dropping f bombs.
Next week: Kosmo returns! And a stripper nurse! Can’t wait.
Episode 2: Can I borrow your napkin my car just hit a water buffalo
When last we left our band of Mario Brothers in search of Princess Peach they had ventured into the magic kingdom of clubs and fell down the sewer pipe only to have Mystery rescue them and provide them with a new suit of powers. Sadly, Alex was devoured by Bowser and now only eight contestants remain. We’re at the early point in a reality show where you have too many contestants and not enough stories.
We start with the fabled reality cliché “Oh my God I can’t believe that someone was eliminated” moment. Despite the fact that it is the entire point of the show contestants are always stunned by this. At least they aren’t crying over the departure of some dude they met yesterday. Rian is also shown as a videogame salesman. That is sad.
The crew meets Mystery outside of an “Italian Club”. That is literally what it says on the awning. Apparently Arizona is the land of generic places. This is the reward challenge where the guys will need to make conversation with women in order to get over their nervousness and awkwardness. Winner receives one of Mystery’s accessories and a personal lesson from Mystery on how to use it. Seriously? It needs instructions? What the hell?
Anyway, the guys all run in with the hope that it is a strip club. Sadly that is an advanced lesson and instead are led into a bingo parlor. Which, to be honest, is a lot more of what I envision the Arizona club scene to be like. At least most of the guys realize that the point is to make conversations with anyone. Kevin (or possibly Kumar) asks if they have any stories from World War II. Brian scares them but to be honest he scares me. Matt wins in a landslide and deservedly so. The guy actually looks good in a suit as well.
Class time as the guys break out the notebooks. Today the lesson is on indirect openers as you cannot just walk up to a woman and tell her that she is beautiful. Instead you must discuss this fight outside while saying you have only a minute to talk. Also, there is apparently a way you need to stand. Greg agrees with my sentiment that I was unaware that I was standing incorrectly my entire life. Matt gets his award which is a black feathered boa. Wow, great reward. You get to look like a guy who wears a black feathered boa.
The guys then make their way to the club for their first field test. The fact that they are all on a bus frantically reviewing pages of notes on opening lines is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. I’m waiting for one to have notes written on their hands. But soon enough they are time at the club and it is time to bring on the ladies…
We start with Matt and the “scarf”. He has trouble starting a set even when the women come up to him. He is actually stunned when a women starts talking to him as it has never happened before. (Really? Drunk chicks talk to me all the time and I’m not even trying.) He does finally meet someone, gives her the scarf but then takes it bad and strikes out. Todd, our super nice guy, just out and out nails it. Best I’ve ever seen it done on this show because it doesn’t look staged.
(Also, Matador has some serious biceps. Wow.)
Greg rushes into things with a story that goes nowhere. He recovers but then flees like a frightened rabbit when he makes the rookie mistake of not talking to the girl’s friend. Rian does a better job than I would have expected and was smart enough to talk to the guy first at a table in order to look non-threatening. Simeon walks in and immediately is told to go screw off. He does need to tone down his energy level.
Karl, the Radio Shack employee of the month, is talking to himself. He needs a drink. Brian and his afro mentions that he likes pickle juice. I’ll have to say that despite the fact that I think he is a freak he works the room with a manic style and ends up getting hugs from girls. Maybe you just need to put yourself out there. Kevin (or possibly Harold) enters the White Castle of Fear and starts swearing every third word. He does at least mention contingency plans in his post-interview, which rules. Brian wins. I did not see that coming. He then cries over having to choose wingmen. I haven’t seen this much emotion from a guy since the release of the latest World of Warcraft expansion pack.
Elimination time as well as the handing out of the magic medallions. I have yet to figure out why they need these things or why they have mystical symbols on them. Elimination comes down to Karl and Kevin. And in the end Kevin gets eliminated which is good because I don’t believe I have any more White Castle puns left in me. Mystery made the right call. You just don’t go up to random women in a club and start dropping f bombs.
Next week: Kosmo returns! And a stripper nurse! Can’t wait.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Where my dog at?
It has been many months since we have been graced by Mystery’s presence. Without his ever-present guidance many of us have ventured into bars, flailing wildly in an attempt to dance and swooping into conversations like a wounded osprey only to be pathetically ignored by women and bartenders alike. Worry no more my friends, at long last our hoped for day is here. The return of The Pick Up Artist.
(For those wondering, my agent did a much better job for me this year. Made it to the third round of the casting process until I was disqualified for actually having a girlfriend at the time. Yes, my chance at international fame was squashed by they very thing I was trying to become famous for. Given that last year’s winner Kosmo was an actor and runner up Brady was a former model I didn’t think that I should be disqualified. Oh well, there is always season 3.)
After all this build up it’s time to meet the dweebs!
Episode 1: We fear what we do not understand
We start with the setup and get to see that Kosmo gets to travel the country sharing his tips on how to pick up women with men who pay several thousands dollars for weekend sessions in which they are taught these lessons. I’m not kidding on that front. I actually checked out Mystery’s website to see what these things cost. It is just nutty. Mystery is joined by his returning wingman Matador, who was the only one of the bunch last year that I would actually want to spend time at a bar with, and new wingwoman Tara, who gets promoted after gracefully allowing herself to be kissed by the contestants last season. Sadly J-Dog, my idol if just for his horrible black streaked hair, is nowhere to be seen this time around. It is never stated what has happened to J-Dog. I can only hope that he is somewhere nicer, using his day game expertise to his full advantage.
The setting has changed as well. We have moved to Arizona after spending last season in Austin. I’d consider this a much harsher environment for the contestants given that to my knowledge most of the people living in Arizona are senior citizens. However, it will provide a more level playing field than Austin as anyone could sit down in a coffee shop in Austin and pick up someone. It is why I was trying to move there but even though everyone calls it an up and coming city there are apparently zero jobs there. I had more interviews with companies in New Orleans than Austin.
And here come the geeks.
Todd: A 26 year old nice guy who falls into the “just friends” category with every woman he meets. He’s complaining about making no progress in life. Join the club.
Ryan: Is our 28 year old virgin from Portland. He’s never learned how to socialize and in his video from home he shows off one of his stuffed animals. Yowzers.
Simeon: Is one of those guys who freaks me out. 27, super hyper and was living on a houseboat. Is also the guy most likely to be asked if he is on crystal meth.
Karl: Is a 21 year old Radio Shack employee. I don’t think I need to go into any more detail than that. On the list of things you shouldn’t tell anyone is the fact that you work at Radio Shack.
Matt: Is self-conscious about his looks to a severe degree. True, the gap in the teeth is a slight issue but concerns about body hair? Dude, it’s called manscaping. Queer Eye made it acceptable like five years ago.
Greg: Has long hair and glasses and looks like the guy who ran your computer lab in college. His voice cracks around women.
Brian: Is 21 and has never kissed a girl. He is also wearing a Models Wanted t-shirt and when he gets nervous he spells out words so he doesn’t stutter. Maybe I am over-qualified for this show.
Kevin: Apparently is on the show because he is on a cold streak. I’m not sure if that means you need the help of a guy in a top hat. Maybe you just need to go to a different bar. Also, he looks like either Harold or Kumar. Take your pick.
Alex: Is our “women thinks he’s gay” contestant this year. With the Mr. T style gold chain, Elton John glasses and pink neon hat I’m stunned that this ever comes up in polite conversation.
Someone just referred to meeting Mystery as meeting Willy Wonka. I fear what the Oompa Loompas are like in his factory. Mystery has replaced the top hat for a cowbot hat though he still has the goggles. The Geek Squad is stunned upon meeting Mystery that they are forced to go into the club immediately. Apparently they all skipped last season’s opening episode.
Kevin goes first, makes a beeline to a table of women, throws out a line about digging deeper and crashes so hard the black box is unrecoverable. Matt actually makes friendly contact asking a girl what she is drinking but goes no farther than that. Just Friends Todd asks permission to ask a question to which the answer is most certainly no. Matador likes Greg’s look for some bizarre reason. His insulting Arizona tactic doesn’t work well on an Arizona native.
Brian actually does surprisingly well. Sure, he struck out (you don’t ask what type of toothpaste someone uses) but he at least made a decent conversation. Simeon is aptly described as the annoying creepy guy who makes you wonder what he is on at the moment. Rian, (apparently he lost a y in the process) looks worse than I did at 28. Given that many people reading this know what I looked like that is rather frightening. Karl starts a conversation and then has the woman’s friend actually ask “Why are you talking to him?” Ooh, that is where I would make a pithy remark. Or would at least think of one four hours later. Alex has women yank his proverbial chain as well as his literal one but can’t even use that to make conversation and ends up being the weird quiet guy wearing an enormous gold chain.
So after the strikeouts now Mystery goes in to do it. Hatless, no less. I really need to see if he can work without his hat. He still does magic tricks though. Matador immediately starts getting some because he is freaking Matador. All he has to do is go “I’m the Matador!” and women fall all over him. Anyway, all this leads to is pictures of the geeks in the control room cheering the fact that Mystery is about to get laid, which is really creepy when you think about it.
We then move on to avatar creation time and sadly not in Everquest though I think some contestants would prefer that route. I’m actually curious about this as I am in the midst of rethinking my look. I think a new town deserves a new look. One that shows that I’m 35 with a good job and that I have my shit together. Advice welcome as always.
Brian (who has what can only be called the oddest hair ever) goes for a gangster look and Rian is having serious issues with shopping. Yes, shopping for clothes has this guy near tears. Dude, stop crying. What would your Dungeon Master say if he saw you like this? Matt, in what has to be a first for a reality show, is sent to a dental surgeon to get his teeth fixed. Greg loses the angsty poet ponytail, numerous guys get pierced (which I would never do) and Matt finally gets waxed, which I could have told him to do. They all show off their new looks and dang, Greg did an awesome job in no longer looking like he is studying a Linux manual. Matt, in a wonderful bit of editing, seems to have had all of his dental issues solved in an afternoon without any pain whatsoever.
In a big shock, one of the contestants is judged to be not ready for this before the contest even starts. Wow, talk about a kick in the balls. You apply for a show because you are a loser who can’t meet women. You make the cut and subject yourself to a national TV audience. Now the guy in the hat says, “Dude, you are so far gone even I can’t help you.” And Alex is told to leave. Partly because he did the worst job at peacocking but mainly because he couldn’t even talk to women when they came up to him. He vows vengeance on Mystery and Matador as he leaves. Actually he pledges to work hard on his own but I feel it better to think that they had to drag him from the house as he shook his fist and cried out “Revenge!!!!”
That is it for Episode 1. Given that this review went longer than I thought I’ll do Episode 2 tomorrow in which we will see which of our merry band of Morlocks can meet the good doctor. Stay tuned.
(For those wondering, my agent did a much better job for me this year. Made it to the third round of the casting process until I was disqualified for actually having a girlfriend at the time. Yes, my chance at international fame was squashed by they very thing I was trying to become famous for. Given that last year’s winner Kosmo was an actor and runner up Brady was a former model I didn’t think that I should be disqualified. Oh well, there is always season 3.)
After all this build up it’s time to meet the dweebs!
Episode 1: We fear what we do not understand
We start with the setup and get to see that Kosmo gets to travel the country sharing his tips on how to pick up women with men who pay several thousands dollars for weekend sessions in which they are taught these lessons. I’m not kidding on that front. I actually checked out Mystery’s website to see what these things cost. It is just nutty. Mystery is joined by his returning wingman Matador, who was the only one of the bunch last year that I would actually want to spend time at a bar with, and new wingwoman Tara, who gets promoted after gracefully allowing herself to be kissed by the contestants last season. Sadly J-Dog, my idol if just for his horrible black streaked hair, is nowhere to be seen this time around. It is never stated what has happened to J-Dog. I can only hope that he is somewhere nicer, using his day game expertise to his full advantage.
The setting has changed as well. We have moved to Arizona after spending last season in Austin. I’d consider this a much harsher environment for the contestants given that to my knowledge most of the people living in Arizona are senior citizens. However, it will provide a more level playing field than Austin as anyone could sit down in a coffee shop in Austin and pick up someone. It is why I was trying to move there but even though everyone calls it an up and coming city there are apparently zero jobs there. I had more interviews with companies in New Orleans than Austin.
And here come the geeks.
Todd: A 26 year old nice guy who falls into the “just friends” category with every woman he meets. He’s complaining about making no progress in life. Join the club.
Ryan: Is our 28 year old virgin from Portland. He’s never learned how to socialize and in his video from home he shows off one of his stuffed animals. Yowzers.
Simeon: Is one of those guys who freaks me out. 27, super hyper and was living on a houseboat. Is also the guy most likely to be asked if he is on crystal meth.
Karl: Is a 21 year old Radio Shack employee. I don’t think I need to go into any more detail than that. On the list of things you shouldn’t tell anyone is the fact that you work at Radio Shack.
Matt: Is self-conscious about his looks to a severe degree. True, the gap in the teeth is a slight issue but concerns about body hair? Dude, it’s called manscaping. Queer Eye made it acceptable like five years ago.
Greg: Has long hair and glasses and looks like the guy who ran your computer lab in college. His voice cracks around women.
Brian: Is 21 and has never kissed a girl. He is also wearing a Models Wanted t-shirt and when he gets nervous he spells out words so he doesn’t stutter. Maybe I am over-qualified for this show.
Kevin: Apparently is on the show because he is on a cold streak. I’m not sure if that means you need the help of a guy in a top hat. Maybe you just need to go to a different bar. Also, he looks like either Harold or Kumar. Take your pick.
Alex: Is our “women thinks he’s gay” contestant this year. With the Mr. T style gold chain, Elton John glasses and pink neon hat I’m stunned that this ever comes up in polite conversation.
Someone just referred to meeting Mystery as meeting Willy Wonka. I fear what the Oompa Loompas are like in his factory. Mystery has replaced the top hat for a cowbot hat though he still has the goggles. The Geek Squad is stunned upon meeting Mystery that they are forced to go into the club immediately. Apparently they all skipped last season’s opening episode.
Kevin goes first, makes a beeline to a table of women, throws out a line about digging deeper and crashes so hard the black box is unrecoverable. Matt actually makes friendly contact asking a girl what she is drinking but goes no farther than that. Just Friends Todd asks permission to ask a question to which the answer is most certainly no. Matador likes Greg’s look for some bizarre reason. His insulting Arizona tactic doesn’t work well on an Arizona native.
Brian actually does surprisingly well. Sure, he struck out (you don’t ask what type of toothpaste someone uses) but he at least made a decent conversation. Simeon is aptly described as the annoying creepy guy who makes you wonder what he is on at the moment. Rian, (apparently he lost a y in the process) looks worse than I did at 28. Given that many people reading this know what I looked like that is rather frightening. Karl starts a conversation and then has the woman’s friend actually ask “Why are you talking to him?” Ooh, that is where I would make a pithy remark. Or would at least think of one four hours later. Alex has women yank his proverbial chain as well as his literal one but can’t even use that to make conversation and ends up being the weird quiet guy wearing an enormous gold chain.
So after the strikeouts now Mystery goes in to do it. Hatless, no less. I really need to see if he can work without his hat. He still does magic tricks though. Matador immediately starts getting some because he is freaking Matador. All he has to do is go “I’m the Matador!” and women fall all over him. Anyway, all this leads to is pictures of the geeks in the control room cheering the fact that Mystery is about to get laid, which is really creepy when you think about it.
We then move on to avatar creation time and sadly not in Everquest though I think some contestants would prefer that route. I’m actually curious about this as I am in the midst of rethinking my look. I think a new town deserves a new look. One that shows that I’m 35 with a good job and that I have my shit together. Advice welcome as always.
Brian (who has what can only be called the oddest hair ever) goes for a gangster look and Rian is having serious issues with shopping. Yes, shopping for clothes has this guy near tears. Dude, stop crying. What would your Dungeon Master say if he saw you like this? Matt, in what has to be a first for a reality show, is sent to a dental surgeon to get his teeth fixed. Greg loses the angsty poet ponytail, numerous guys get pierced (which I would never do) and Matt finally gets waxed, which I could have told him to do. They all show off their new looks and dang, Greg did an awesome job in no longer looking like he is studying a Linux manual. Matt, in a wonderful bit of editing, seems to have had all of his dental issues solved in an afternoon without any pain whatsoever.
In a big shock, one of the contestants is judged to be not ready for this before the contest even starts. Wow, talk about a kick in the balls. You apply for a show because you are a loser who can’t meet women. You make the cut and subject yourself to a national TV audience. Now the guy in the hat says, “Dude, you are so far gone even I can’t help you.” And Alex is told to leave. Partly because he did the worst job at peacocking but mainly because he couldn’t even talk to women when they came up to him. He vows vengeance on Mystery and Matador as he leaves. Actually he pledges to work hard on his own but I feel it better to think that they had to drag him from the house as he shook his fist and cried out “Revenge!!!!”
That is it for Episode 1. Given that this review went longer than I thought I’ll do Episode 2 tomorrow in which we will see which of our merry band of Morlocks can meet the good doctor. Stay tuned.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Out of the corner of your eye
Much of the humor I find in life is by just looking at the small things that everyone else seems to miss. With such a torrent of information that we are all living under it is tough to pay attention to all of it. Luckily that is precisely what I do. Mainly because given my lack of a social life I have absolutely nothing else to do.
For example, back when I was job hunting I spent a lot of time on Monster. Not much came of it (there are probably seventy resumes of mine that have never been looked at floating around HR offices nationwide) but it did place me on all of these Monster email lists that get sent out providing helpful hints for your career. Last week they sent me one with the subject “Renegotiate your salary.”
Now let’s see. The market is down 40% in the past year. We have had the worst month in terms of market performance in at least twenty years and people are discussing major recessions and bantering around the word depression. Every company has been hit and there looks to be a lot of belt tightening in the future. Yep, this is exactly the type of environment in which you want to storm into the boss’s office and demand more money. I suggest pounding on the table and making wild, sweeping gestures to emphasize your point. I can’t see any harm coming from that whatsoever.
Meanwhile, on CNN right now there is a link stating “Can the Bible help you budget?” Personally, I really hope that a large amount of the post involves a detailed analysis of the loaves and the fishes story and how that can be used as a strategy for stretching your food dollar. I mean, they ended up with bushels left over after only starting out with a handful of food. However, if they do find verses that discuss how much I should put in a Roth IRA I will really need to reread the good book a little more closely.
(Oh, and so I don’t sound too cynical here is the best interpretation I know of for the loaves and the fishes story. When people traveled in those days, even to hear someone speak, you would always carry food with you. In those sad, pathetic days before McDonald’s you never knew when you would have a chance to buy something to eat. As a result this hillside of people after listening to the preaching was hungry but a large number had food. When the bushels were passed around people took some out but more than that, put what they had extra in so that all could eat. Shared their excess for the benefit of the whole. That is one view of it. I’m sure my theologian on call will have a different interpretation.)
Finally, as it is Halloween it means that the costume shops are in full effect. You know, those places that pop up for a month’s worth of business and then disappear until they get reborn as a fireworks outlet in summer. Well, to bring in customers they always have someone in costume out front trying to attract traffic. Usually I see people in super hero costumes or the occasional Frankentein monster. Nothing too special and you could always tell that the person holding the sign is hating every minute of it and is thankful that no one can see his face.
So I wasn’t too surprised when I drove past one of these places and saw someone dressed in a wizard’s costume. I’m talking full on Dumbledore with the robes and the hat and a beard that looked real enough that I assume that it was his own. What took me by surprise is how he was dramatically waving his arms and occasionally, and I swear I am not making this up, bowing to the traffic. One hand in front, one hand behind his back, full on bow whenever a car turned into the parking lot. It crossed the line from being entertaining to really creepy. There isn’t much about Halloween that is actually scary, unless you count crass commercialism centered around a meaningless holiday that takes away from the importance of Sweetest Day, but a guy with a wand bowing to me is more than a bit jarring.
Tomorrow: The return of The Pick Up Artist recaps! Starting with a double recap of the first two episodes. What secrets shall we learn this time?
Best of 120 Minutes: I think what I miss most about music right now is just finding songs and bands that are just fun. I’m stuck in the alt-country gutter for the most part, a genre that is lyrically brilliant but not exactly something that you can dance to. Even alt-rock is really mopey and emo at the moment. We need more bands like the Soup Dragons. You’re not sure what the song means but you enjoy it all the same.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “The Madrigals EP”
2) Billy Bragg “Don’t Try This at Home”
3) Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins “Rabbit Fur Coat”
4) Pearl Jam “Ten”
5) Various Artists “Bloodshot Records Sampler 2001”
For example, back when I was job hunting I spent a lot of time on Monster. Not much came of it (there are probably seventy resumes of mine that have never been looked at floating around HR offices nationwide) but it did place me on all of these Monster email lists that get sent out providing helpful hints for your career. Last week they sent me one with the subject “Renegotiate your salary.”
Now let’s see. The market is down 40% in the past year. We have had the worst month in terms of market performance in at least twenty years and people are discussing major recessions and bantering around the word depression. Every company has been hit and there looks to be a lot of belt tightening in the future. Yep, this is exactly the type of environment in which you want to storm into the boss’s office and demand more money. I suggest pounding on the table and making wild, sweeping gestures to emphasize your point. I can’t see any harm coming from that whatsoever.
Meanwhile, on CNN right now there is a link stating “Can the Bible help you budget?” Personally, I really hope that a large amount of the post involves a detailed analysis of the loaves and the fishes story and how that can be used as a strategy for stretching your food dollar. I mean, they ended up with bushels left over after only starting out with a handful of food. However, if they do find verses that discuss how much I should put in a Roth IRA I will really need to reread the good book a little more closely.
(Oh, and so I don’t sound too cynical here is the best interpretation I know of for the loaves and the fishes story. When people traveled in those days, even to hear someone speak, you would always carry food with you. In those sad, pathetic days before McDonald’s you never knew when you would have a chance to buy something to eat. As a result this hillside of people after listening to the preaching was hungry but a large number had food. When the bushels were passed around people took some out but more than that, put what they had extra in so that all could eat. Shared their excess for the benefit of the whole. That is one view of it. I’m sure my theologian on call will have a different interpretation.)
Finally, as it is Halloween it means that the costume shops are in full effect. You know, those places that pop up for a month’s worth of business and then disappear until they get reborn as a fireworks outlet in summer. Well, to bring in customers they always have someone in costume out front trying to attract traffic. Usually I see people in super hero costumes or the occasional Frankentein monster. Nothing too special and you could always tell that the person holding the sign is hating every minute of it and is thankful that no one can see his face.
So I wasn’t too surprised when I drove past one of these places and saw someone dressed in a wizard’s costume. I’m talking full on Dumbledore with the robes and the hat and a beard that looked real enough that I assume that it was his own. What took me by surprise is how he was dramatically waving his arms and occasionally, and I swear I am not making this up, bowing to the traffic. One hand in front, one hand behind his back, full on bow whenever a car turned into the parking lot. It crossed the line from being entertaining to really creepy. There isn’t much about Halloween that is actually scary, unless you count crass commercialism centered around a meaningless holiday that takes away from the importance of Sweetest Day, but a guy with a wand bowing to me is more than a bit jarring.
Tomorrow: The return of The Pick Up Artist recaps! Starting with a double recap of the first two episodes. What secrets shall we learn this time?
Best of 120 Minutes: I think what I miss most about music right now is just finding songs and bands that are just fun. I’m stuck in the alt-country gutter for the most part, a genre that is lyrically brilliant but not exactly something that you can dance to. Even alt-rock is really mopey and emo at the moment. We need more bands like the Soup Dragons. You’re not sure what the song means but you enjoy it all the same.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “The Madrigals EP”
2) Billy Bragg “Don’t Try This at Home”
3) Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins “Rabbit Fur Coat”
4) Pearl Jam “Ten”
5) Various Artists “Bloodshot Records Sampler 2001”
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Joe the Plumber: Threat or Menace?
More than a few notes to end the week and I’ve just been in a list kind of mood.
1) In shocking news, I read today that Joe the Plumber is not a licensed plumber. So in fact he has been operating as some sort of black market criminal; unclogging toilets and installing drains in full violation of existing codes. This might put a crimp on his business plans but he still could rely on the slogan “Joe the Plumber: Because the fate of the nation rests in his greasy hands.”
2) Can I just say how upset I still am on the whole Joe the Plumber thing? Really this is the symbol of just how horribly the democratic system in America has fallen. We have gone from the Jeffersonian ideal of candidates discussing wide ranging issues impacting the future of the nation to two people sniping at each other as to how their policies will effect one person who, because his name is incorrectly filled out on his voter registration card, might not actually be eligible to vote. But this might have been part of McCain’s plan of winning the election one voter at a time.
3) Switching gears, Leanne won Project Runway!!!! Finally, my favorite contestant won a season of the show. True, Christian was the best designer last year but I just liked Chris Marsh better. Leanne was not only super cute in a Pacific Northwest granola type of way but she also put together a great collection. True, all of the pieces had the same waves and structural patterns in them but they were all different and cohesive. Even better, while you knew that there was an insane amount of work behind them they all seemed so natural and you could imagine a real person wearing the outfits. As opposed to Kenley’s massive shoulderpad designs.
4) There was only one thing that could have made the ending of the show better. After they announced Leanne the winner I would have loved it if she immediately turned around to Kenley and yelled “Scoreboard bitch!” That would have been an ending.
5) In retrospect, there is only one other note that I would like to make to the debate live blog. During the abortion portion of the debate I would have immediately pledged my vote to either candidate if he would have pledged “Abortions for some, small American flags for others.” Ah, I remember Emperor Kang. Now there was a leader you could trust.
6) Here is the strange thing about living in Wilmington, Delaware. When you write out a check to pay your credit card bill you suddenly realize that you are literally mailing it down the street. I feel like I should just stop by and pay them in cash or something. Well, that is not the only strange thing about living in Wilmington. Waking up every morning, realizing that you are in Delaware and struggling with exactly why you are there is also a bit of a disconcerting experience.
7) Best idea for a Halloween costume I have heard yet: a flip cup game. Just wear a table around your neck, place some plastic cups on the table, and challenge all comers to a game. I’ll probably just grab my backpack and put on my matching red and white striped shirt and hat and go as Waldo again.
8) I’d like to wish a happy Sweetest Day to my….to my….ok, applications for the position of Sweetie are available upon request. Please form an orderly queue. Seriously, I’m very close to creating a match.com profile just because I think it would be funny.
1) In shocking news, I read today that Joe the Plumber is not a licensed plumber. So in fact he has been operating as some sort of black market criminal; unclogging toilets and installing drains in full violation of existing codes. This might put a crimp on his business plans but he still could rely on the slogan “Joe the Plumber: Because the fate of the nation rests in his greasy hands.”
2) Can I just say how upset I still am on the whole Joe the Plumber thing? Really this is the symbol of just how horribly the democratic system in America has fallen. We have gone from the Jeffersonian ideal of candidates discussing wide ranging issues impacting the future of the nation to two people sniping at each other as to how their policies will effect one person who, because his name is incorrectly filled out on his voter registration card, might not actually be eligible to vote. But this might have been part of McCain’s plan of winning the election one voter at a time.
3) Switching gears, Leanne won Project Runway!!!! Finally, my favorite contestant won a season of the show. True, Christian was the best designer last year but I just liked Chris Marsh better. Leanne was not only super cute in a Pacific Northwest granola type of way but she also put together a great collection. True, all of the pieces had the same waves and structural patterns in them but they were all different and cohesive. Even better, while you knew that there was an insane amount of work behind them they all seemed so natural and you could imagine a real person wearing the outfits. As opposed to Kenley’s massive shoulderpad designs.
4) There was only one thing that could have made the ending of the show better. After they announced Leanne the winner I would have loved it if she immediately turned around to Kenley and yelled “Scoreboard bitch!” That would have been an ending.
5) In retrospect, there is only one other note that I would like to make to the debate live blog. During the abortion portion of the debate I would have immediately pledged my vote to either candidate if he would have pledged “Abortions for some, small American flags for others.” Ah, I remember Emperor Kang. Now there was a leader you could trust.
6) Here is the strange thing about living in Wilmington, Delaware. When you write out a check to pay your credit card bill you suddenly realize that you are literally mailing it down the street. I feel like I should just stop by and pay them in cash or something. Well, that is not the only strange thing about living in Wilmington. Waking up every morning, realizing that you are in Delaware and struggling with exactly why you are there is also a bit of a disconcerting experience.
7) Best idea for a Halloween costume I have heard yet: a flip cup game. Just wear a table around your neck, place some plastic cups on the table, and challenge all comers to a game. I’ll probably just grab my backpack and put on my matching red and white striped shirt and hat and go as Waldo again.
8) I’d like to wish a happy Sweetest Day to my….to my….ok, applications for the position of Sweetie are available upon request. Please form an orderly queue. Seriously, I’m very close to creating a match.com profile just because I think it would be funny.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Let's Play the Feud!
9:05 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current election headquarters for the third and final debate between John McCain and Barrack Obama. Joining me tonight is Republican spokesman Stuffed Dilbert Doll, Democrat spokesman Snake Eyes Action Figure and Green Party spokesman Ralph Nader.
9:06 P.M.: I’m not kidding, for twenty bucks and a veggie burger I got Ralph Nader to come over to my apartment and watch the debate and try to persuade me to waste my vote. He even brought beer. Not good beer, mind you, and I really don’t need to be told that my hops have not been genetically altered, but beer nonetheless.
9:08 P.M.: As always here is the drill. I will watch the debate and write down my witty remarks as they come to me. Barring that I will just start making fun of people in the crowd. And yes, I’m doing this on a slight tape delay as my workout went a little long but given that I completed a Level 9 hill climb on the treadmill I really don’t care.
9:10 P.M.: The goals for the two candidates tonight. Obama: Don’t screw up. McCain: Fix the economy and make George Bush likable in ninety minutes. Hofstra gets to host the debate. This is the biggest event at Hofstra since…since…that awesome kegger in 1993?
9:14 P.M.: The rules are simple. One fall to a finish. This is thunderdome. Two men enter. One man leaves.
9:16 P.M.: I’d really like to know what McCain is writing down on his yellow legal pad. Schieffer has barely started talking and he is scribbling away. Also, I need to say something about Nancy Reagan and since she was mentioned here is my chance. It is sad that she fractured her pelvis in a fall but did you hear that it took her four days to go to the hospital for it? That is toughness.
9:17 P.M.: Shoot, I just lost a bet. Obama is wearing a red tie. Democrats always wear a blue tie. I thought it was a law or something. McCain is in blue. Apparently we are in bizaro world tonight.
9:21 P.M.: Well I was just lectured on a plumber’s business plan. Apparently the entire U.S. economy is based around a guy named Joe. He’s received more airtime tonight than most senatorial candidates. And to be honest I don’t care about a guy named Joe. Though it is nice that Obama said he is willing to pay more taxes.
9:28 P.M.: Someone should tell Obama that education helping the young drive us into the 21st century when we are already in 2008. Technically this is the 21st century. And McCain just lost Iowa by saying that he opposes ethanol tarrifs. Also, if McCain knows how to cut spending why has he kept it a secret?
9:30 P.M.: For those wondering, that planetarium projector in Chicago is for the Adler Planetarium, one of the premier museums in the city and therefore the country. So it is not like we spent three million on some junior college somewhere. It’s part of the museum campus for crying out loud.
9:35 P.M.: The fact that Fox News is used as a reference for a laugh line is a sad statement on the state of the press. It’s correct but sad nonetheless.
9:38 P.M.: Interesting to note that McCain hasn’t denied any of the negative remarks that were stated in his campaign ads. That said neither did Obama and any time one uses the phrase “100% of your ads have been negative” you know they are wrong. Obama is missing on some points here.
9:42 P.M.: Again with Joe the Plumber! Snake Eyes: What is your opinion on this new front?
9:43 P.M.:
9:44 P.M.: Maybe hiring Snake Eyes as a spokesman wasn’t the wisest move.
9:46 P.M.: So in nine minutes of discussing negative campaigns all we did was have both candidates launch negative attacks on each other. We might as well have had Texas Death Match rules instituted.
9:52 P.M.: Ooh, a running mate question. This is going to be good. Hopefully we get some good Palin jokes out of this. Or at least a few more references to the hellhole that is Scranton.
9:54 P.M.: Uh, no, we don’t know Sarah Palin. You need to do interviews for people to know who you are. I still can’t figure out how being an outsider qualifies you to be vice-president. That implies that any random person taken off the street could be made veep with no issues.
9:58 P.M.: Personally I would like to have questions on climate control. Given the work that Cobra has done in that regard (after the successful completion of the Serpentor project) I believe that is an important topic to explore.
10:02 P.M.: Even though the economy is absolutely crap it is nice to have both candidates talking about energy policy when you work in the energy industry. True, I have to wait until after the election to figure out what direction we are going in but at least either way business should be good.
10:09 P.M.: Just once I would like to see a candidate when asked about health care to answer “I will make placebos free for all! Every single American will receive placebos to ease their pain!” That will solve half our problems right there.
10:10 P.M.: Ah, McCain just took the “Kids today are just too fat” tact. Because the problem with the health care system is laziness. And please, for the love of God, can we stop talking about Joe the Plumber? I’m about to go to Ohio to find this guy and kick his ass.
10:15 P.M.: Question (funk dat): In what world does someone who makes more than $250K a year not rich? If you were able to buy your own company wouldn’t that imply that you are rather well off. I’m pretty confident that Joe is an arrogant prick.
10:27 P.M.: Yeah, I’ll just quiet on the whole abortion issue. Some things simply can’t be discussed without causing major arguments even when you don’t mean to.
10:29 P.M.: You know, if you made it a decent paying gig I might think about becoming a math teacher. It wouldn’t be that challenging a life and I’d get to go home at three in the afternoon. Wait, put away the video games? I’m not sure if I can support a candidate who is anti Grand Theft Auto.
10:42 P.M.: And that is it. I would call it another tie, maybe a little leaning to McCain. Oh, and after seeing a picture of Joe the Plumber I take back my threat to beat him up. He seems like a pretty tough guy. I still think this election is Obama’s and the democrats to lose. Not that that is out of the field of possibilities. We are talking about the democrats here. Anyway, time to catch up with my tape of Project Runway.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Technically this should be part of Best of 120 Minutes but there just isn’t enough Blake Babies music in this world. I need this at the end of the day.
9:06 P.M.: I’m not kidding, for twenty bucks and a veggie burger I got Ralph Nader to come over to my apartment and watch the debate and try to persuade me to waste my vote. He even brought beer. Not good beer, mind you, and I really don’t need to be told that my hops have not been genetically altered, but beer nonetheless.
9:08 P.M.: As always here is the drill. I will watch the debate and write down my witty remarks as they come to me. Barring that I will just start making fun of people in the crowd. And yes, I’m doing this on a slight tape delay as my workout went a little long but given that I completed a Level 9 hill climb on the treadmill I really don’t care.
9:10 P.M.: The goals for the two candidates tonight. Obama: Don’t screw up. McCain: Fix the economy and make George Bush likable in ninety minutes. Hofstra gets to host the debate. This is the biggest event at Hofstra since…since…that awesome kegger in 1993?
9:14 P.M.: The rules are simple. One fall to a finish. This is thunderdome. Two men enter. One man leaves.
9:16 P.M.: I’d really like to know what McCain is writing down on his yellow legal pad. Schieffer has barely started talking and he is scribbling away. Also, I need to say something about Nancy Reagan and since she was mentioned here is my chance. It is sad that she fractured her pelvis in a fall but did you hear that it took her four days to go to the hospital for it? That is toughness.
9:17 P.M.: Shoot, I just lost a bet. Obama is wearing a red tie. Democrats always wear a blue tie. I thought it was a law or something. McCain is in blue. Apparently we are in bizaro world tonight.
9:21 P.M.: Well I was just lectured on a plumber’s business plan. Apparently the entire U.S. economy is based around a guy named Joe. He’s received more airtime tonight than most senatorial candidates. And to be honest I don’t care about a guy named Joe. Though it is nice that Obama said he is willing to pay more taxes.
9:28 P.M.: Someone should tell Obama that education helping the young drive us into the 21st century when we are already in 2008. Technically this is the 21st century. And McCain just lost Iowa by saying that he opposes ethanol tarrifs. Also, if McCain knows how to cut spending why has he kept it a secret?
9:30 P.M.: For those wondering, that planetarium projector in Chicago is for the Adler Planetarium, one of the premier museums in the city and therefore the country. So it is not like we spent three million on some junior college somewhere. It’s part of the museum campus for crying out loud.
9:35 P.M.: The fact that Fox News is used as a reference for a laugh line is a sad statement on the state of the press. It’s correct but sad nonetheless.
9:38 P.M.: Interesting to note that McCain hasn’t denied any of the negative remarks that were stated in his campaign ads. That said neither did Obama and any time one uses the phrase “100% of your ads have been negative” you know they are wrong. Obama is missing on some points here.
9:42 P.M.: Again with Joe the Plumber! Snake Eyes: What is your opinion on this new front?
9:43 P.M.:
9:44 P.M.: Maybe hiring Snake Eyes as a spokesman wasn’t the wisest move.
9:46 P.M.: So in nine minutes of discussing negative campaigns all we did was have both candidates launch negative attacks on each other. We might as well have had Texas Death Match rules instituted.
9:52 P.M.: Ooh, a running mate question. This is going to be good. Hopefully we get some good Palin jokes out of this. Or at least a few more references to the hellhole that is Scranton.
9:54 P.M.: Uh, no, we don’t know Sarah Palin. You need to do interviews for people to know who you are. I still can’t figure out how being an outsider qualifies you to be vice-president. That implies that any random person taken off the street could be made veep with no issues.
9:58 P.M.: Personally I would like to have questions on climate control. Given the work that Cobra has done in that regard (after the successful completion of the Serpentor project) I believe that is an important topic to explore.
10:02 P.M.: Even though the economy is absolutely crap it is nice to have both candidates talking about energy policy when you work in the energy industry. True, I have to wait until after the election to figure out what direction we are going in but at least either way business should be good.
10:09 P.M.: Just once I would like to see a candidate when asked about health care to answer “I will make placebos free for all! Every single American will receive placebos to ease their pain!” That will solve half our problems right there.
10:10 P.M.: Ah, McCain just took the “Kids today are just too fat” tact. Because the problem with the health care system is laziness. And please, for the love of God, can we stop talking about Joe the Plumber? I’m about to go to Ohio to find this guy and kick his ass.
10:15 P.M.: Question (funk dat): In what world does someone who makes more than $250K a year not rich? If you were able to buy your own company wouldn’t that imply that you are rather well off. I’m pretty confident that Joe is an arrogant prick.
10:27 P.M.: Yeah, I’ll just quiet on the whole abortion issue. Some things simply can’t be discussed without causing major arguments even when you don’t mean to.
10:29 P.M.: You know, if you made it a decent paying gig I might think about becoming a math teacher. It wouldn’t be that challenging a life and I’d get to go home at three in the afternoon. Wait, put away the video games? I’m not sure if I can support a candidate who is anti Grand Theft Auto.
10:42 P.M.: And that is it. I would call it another tie, maybe a little leaning to McCain. Oh, and after seeing a picture of Joe the Plumber I take back my threat to beat him up. He seems like a pretty tough guy. I still think this election is Obama’s and the democrats to lose. Not that that is out of the field of possibilities. We are talking about the democrats here. Anyway, time to catch up with my tape of Project Runway.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Technically this should be part of Best of 120 Minutes but there just isn’t enough Blake Babies music in this world. I need this at the end of the day.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Help me J-Dog. You're my only hope.
Ok, I have a lot of small topics to talk about tonight so I am just going to go through them in order.
1) Yes, I am aware that I missed the season premiere of the second season of The Pick Up Artist on Sunday. However, have no fear as I have recorded the episode and will be providing my play by play analysis on this and all future episodes. Because if there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that the only way to learn how to talk to women is by taking advice from a guy in a top hat with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck. Hell, I own his instruction manual. I wish I was lying but I actually do own The Mystery Method in hardcover no less.
1) Yes, I am aware that I missed the season premiere of the second season of The Pick Up Artist on Sunday. However, have no fear as I have recorded the episode and will be providing my play by play analysis on this and all future episodes. Because if there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that the only way to learn how to talk to women is by taking advice from a guy in a top hat with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck. Hell, I own his instruction manual. I wish I was lying but I actually do own The Mystery Method in hardcover no less.
2) Oh, I would like to thank Comcast for allowing me to miss the premiere episode by showing for the past two weeks that all channels have “To Be Announced” as their scheduled broadcast on the online program guide. Seriously, I was nearly forced to buy a newspaper on Sunday just so I could get a damn TV listing. What type of world do we live in where I might be forced to buy something in order to read?
3) Has anyone noticed that on the Yahoo front page they list the Obama-McCain poll numbers and are constantly updating them? Several times a day they show them going up or down 0.2%. I’m not sure where the hell they are getting their data from as the last time I checked it wasn’t as though there is a real time polling market equivalent to the stock market. Plus, I’m not sure if I need a moment by moment update of something that is by definition within the margin of error. Of course, most people will simply ask why am I using Yahoo but that can easily be explained by the fact that I am an idiot.
4) For the first time since moving out here I played trivia tonight. I wish I continued my streak of winning money the first time I play in a new venue but I missed a few questions and came in sixth. Still, not bad for a team of one and I should have won a free round of drinks but I was really, really dumb on a question. The game is done in a pub quiz style and that really doesn’t suit my temperament. You are asked ten questions, write down your answers, and then wait around for ten or fifteen minutes as the host collects the sheets, marks the correct answers, tallies up the scores, and jokes with the teams. Do this for multiple rounds and there is an awful lot of dead time especially when you are by yourself. Sigh. I miss my Badgers. We at least would have gotten the Wisconsin question right.
5) Best category though: All you get is someone’s name and have to determine whether they are a Nobel Prize winner or a Porn Star. Surprisingly challenging.
6) I’m still behind in watching How I Met Your Mother but after finally seeing last week’s episode it is clear that they are dealing with too much plot. We have Robin’s career and her possibly moving to Japan. Then there is Barney being in love with Robin and therefore not being Barney. Marshall has gone from a fun loving student to a kind of whiny, unmotivated goof. And Ted is engaged to someone that the viewer has no attachment to at all. I don’t care about Stella. I care about Sarah Chalke because she is an awesome actress based on her roles in Roseanne and Scrubs but the character is absolutely meaningless. Compare that to Victoria from the first season. Ted and Victoria are possibly my favorite couple ever, the “thank God” moment at the end of their first episode together is the highlight of the entire series, and even three years after the fact I say this about someone who was only in four episode. Meanwhile, we have Ted getting married to someone whose daughter might not actually have a name yet much less shown how Ted is adjusting to be a potential step dad. Just poor writing.
7) Big Bang Theory was spot on last week though. I’d comment about losing someone to the world of multiplayer gaming but that is a bit of a sore subject for me right now. Find me at the end of a bar one night and ask me about Everquest and I’ll explain. It won’t make any sense but I’ll explain.
8) Seriously, a hobbit? I don’t match up favorably to a hobbit?
9) Tomorrow night, one last debate live blog. Candidates! Canned positions! Bob Schieffer asking questions that will in no way be answered! I’ll try to make it interesting.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Questions in the dark
“Why don’t I ever see you dancing?”
I was asked that in a dream last night and it has been bouncing around my head all day.
Now I know that I have talked about my dreams before and I can never tell if people want to hear about them or not. Dreams are always much more interesting to the person who lived them than to someone who is forced to listen to something that is by its nature nonsensical. However, for the past few weeks I have been having these vivid dreams with similar elements and I just have to talk about the one I had last night. Very seldom do you wake up from a dream and wonder if you are now in reality.
I won’t go into the first half of the dream, which involved a horrible dinner in Vegas, my using a street luge as a means of transportation (very poorly as I crashed into a building) and my getting a lift to my old grade school in some guy’s car. That was all interesting and rather vivid but instead of ending up at the school I ended up at the British Museum. Specifically, the British Museum in 1998 as all of the scaffolding was up for the construction of the Great Hall. Exactly how we drove from the Chicago suburbs to London and back in time in one fell swoop is beyond me.
Obviously, by this point I realized it was a dream and kept on telling myself to wake up. Things were very vivid at this point. I could feel the wooden handrails as I walked up the stairs and the rain pelting me as I kept on trying to break myself from the dream. It was still as real as any workday morning. I then found myself lying on a bench, trying to protect myself from the rain when I noticed someone was doing the exact same thing right next to me. And while we can question my subconscious here I was certain that this is the person who is in charge of Everything. After a bit of small talk he asked me, “Why don’t I ever see you dancing?”
It wasn’t a critique of my life. It wasn’t a charge that I was wasting my days on a fool’s errand. It was one of genuine interest and almost a suggestion. Why is it that I can’t bring myself to dance?
Of course I don’t mean this in the physical sense though even in that sense I don’t dance. I blame my lack of coordination and my self-conscious streak for that nugget of my personality. But I think that is part of the point. I can never relax and just dance. Screw whoever is watching me if they think I look like an idiot. If I’m enjoying myself why should I care what someone else thinks?
But I don’t work that way. I live life with a look of grim determination. I’m so used to being a fighter and having to struggle for all of my accomplishments that I can never let it all go. My shoulders are always tensed, always on guard for the next challenge. I can’t say that this has been a bad way to go through life. Almost all of my success is due to the fact that I will simply outwork and outhustle people. It just leads to a life where you can never relax. Even when I went out to the bar on Saturday night I hunkered down on my stool, eyes scanning the room, my hand always inches from my beer on the off chance that someone might try to reach for it.
I don’t dance in my life. I’m 35 years old and the times where I just went out and celebrated the fact that I am alive, that despite the fact that the world around me is horribly flawed it is still the most amazing thing that one can ever imagine being part of, are few and far between. I’ve always been serious. I’ve always been focused on accomplishing the task in front of me. Now I have people in my dreams asking me if that really is all there is. And I have to say, I’m pretty sure that they are right.
I was asked that in a dream last night and it has been bouncing around my head all day.
Now I know that I have talked about my dreams before and I can never tell if people want to hear about them or not. Dreams are always much more interesting to the person who lived them than to someone who is forced to listen to something that is by its nature nonsensical. However, for the past few weeks I have been having these vivid dreams with similar elements and I just have to talk about the one I had last night. Very seldom do you wake up from a dream and wonder if you are now in reality.
I won’t go into the first half of the dream, which involved a horrible dinner in Vegas, my using a street luge as a means of transportation (very poorly as I crashed into a building) and my getting a lift to my old grade school in some guy’s car. That was all interesting and rather vivid but instead of ending up at the school I ended up at the British Museum. Specifically, the British Museum in 1998 as all of the scaffolding was up for the construction of the Great Hall. Exactly how we drove from the Chicago suburbs to London and back in time in one fell swoop is beyond me.
Obviously, by this point I realized it was a dream and kept on telling myself to wake up. Things were very vivid at this point. I could feel the wooden handrails as I walked up the stairs and the rain pelting me as I kept on trying to break myself from the dream. It was still as real as any workday morning. I then found myself lying on a bench, trying to protect myself from the rain when I noticed someone was doing the exact same thing right next to me. And while we can question my subconscious here I was certain that this is the person who is in charge of Everything. After a bit of small talk he asked me, “Why don’t I ever see you dancing?”
It wasn’t a critique of my life. It wasn’t a charge that I was wasting my days on a fool’s errand. It was one of genuine interest and almost a suggestion. Why is it that I can’t bring myself to dance?
Of course I don’t mean this in the physical sense though even in that sense I don’t dance. I blame my lack of coordination and my self-conscious streak for that nugget of my personality. But I think that is part of the point. I can never relax and just dance. Screw whoever is watching me if they think I look like an idiot. If I’m enjoying myself why should I care what someone else thinks?
But I don’t work that way. I live life with a look of grim determination. I’m so used to being a fighter and having to struggle for all of my accomplishments that I can never let it all go. My shoulders are always tensed, always on guard for the next challenge. I can’t say that this has been a bad way to go through life. Almost all of my success is due to the fact that I will simply outwork and outhustle people. It just leads to a life where you can never relax. Even when I went out to the bar on Saturday night I hunkered down on my stool, eyes scanning the room, my hand always inches from my beer on the off chance that someone might try to reach for it.
I don’t dance in my life. I’m 35 years old and the times where I just went out and celebrated the fact that I am alive, that despite the fact that the world around me is horribly flawed it is still the most amazing thing that one can ever imagine being part of, are few and far between. I’ve always been serious. I’ve always been focused on accomplishing the task in front of me. Now I have people in my dreams asking me if that really is all there is. And I have to say, I’m pretty sure that they are right.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
My Third Life Crisis
(Side note before I start the main essay. I am very proud of the fact that the Flyers crowd booed Sarah Palin as she came out to drop the ceremonial first puck last night. First, it shows that I am living in an area with the same political views that I have. Second, after seven years in the wilderness I finally get hockey coverage again.)
Because my life has been in such a state of upheaval over the past two months due to moving across the country and starting a new job what should have been one of the most influential moments of my life has become a footnote. I’m not even sure if I’ve written about it or at least not in the level that I should have. Anything that weighs on my mind to that degree really needs to be examined in more detail.
I’m talking about turning 35. Now I can’t say that my birthday wasn’t memorable. I flew from Philly to KC the night before and spent my birthday packing up the last bits of my apartment, spending time with friends and hosting a trivia game. But given all the stress of the move and knowing that it would be the last time I would be seeing a number of people I couldn’t call it a relaxing birthday. Hell, I didn’t even have cake. How can you have a birthday without cake?
But it is not the day itself that concerns me. It is the realization that I am 35 and have moved to a new city where I know no one and have to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. On some levels that is not an issue at all. I have a very good job at a time where having any job at all has to be considered a positive move. My apartment is amazing and I have everything that I could possibly need at my fingertips. So on the surface my life is rather perfect.
Except that it is not and I would be kidding myself to say that it was. Basically I am alone again as I discovered when I was out last night at a bar sitting by myself. That isn’t too unusual and I had the benefit of getting to watch several good games but it is not the life I want to have. It certainly isn’t the life that I expected for myself. I fully intended to be married by the time I was 35. I could easily see myself being a dad right now with a house in the suburbs. I’m more amazed by the fact that I do not have one than anything else that has happened to me in my life.
I know there are a lot of reasons behind it. I’m painfully shy when it comes to meeting people. I’m happy to sit at the bar by myself. Even if I see someone I would like to talk to moving from my barstool is a challenge and a half. Between my sarcasm and my occasional arrogance I can be a little tough to get to know. And for someone who is so desperate to meet someone I have rather high standards. But at the end of the day I really do consider myself to be a nice, smart, caring guy who isn’t that bad looking. You would think that someone would have fallen for me by now.
I’m not as tortured by this as I was a few months back. Maybe it is the fresh start and the fact that I have a reason to put on pants every morning. But there is only one thing in my life that I am lacking and all of the pressure is on me to find the missing piece. Any ideas on how to accomplish this would be greatly appreciated.
Best of 120 Minutes: Ned’s Atomic Dustbin had two bass players. That is the only fact that anyone can remember about this band. They were occasionally played on MTV and they always mentioned the dual bass players. The fact that I still can recall this concerns me.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Recently”
2) Sister Seven “Wrestling Over Tiny Matters”
3) Jeff Buckley and Gary Lucas “Songs to No One”
4) The Brunettes “Mars Loves Venus”
5) Jay Bennett “Bigger than Blue”
Because my life has been in such a state of upheaval over the past two months due to moving across the country and starting a new job what should have been one of the most influential moments of my life has become a footnote. I’m not even sure if I’ve written about it or at least not in the level that I should have. Anything that weighs on my mind to that degree really needs to be examined in more detail.
I’m talking about turning 35. Now I can’t say that my birthday wasn’t memorable. I flew from Philly to KC the night before and spent my birthday packing up the last bits of my apartment, spending time with friends and hosting a trivia game. But given all the stress of the move and knowing that it would be the last time I would be seeing a number of people I couldn’t call it a relaxing birthday. Hell, I didn’t even have cake. How can you have a birthday without cake?
But it is not the day itself that concerns me. It is the realization that I am 35 and have moved to a new city where I know no one and have to come to terms with the fact that this is my life. On some levels that is not an issue at all. I have a very good job at a time where having any job at all has to be considered a positive move. My apartment is amazing and I have everything that I could possibly need at my fingertips. So on the surface my life is rather perfect.
Except that it is not and I would be kidding myself to say that it was. Basically I am alone again as I discovered when I was out last night at a bar sitting by myself. That isn’t too unusual and I had the benefit of getting to watch several good games but it is not the life I want to have. It certainly isn’t the life that I expected for myself. I fully intended to be married by the time I was 35. I could easily see myself being a dad right now with a house in the suburbs. I’m more amazed by the fact that I do not have one than anything else that has happened to me in my life.
I know there are a lot of reasons behind it. I’m painfully shy when it comes to meeting people. I’m happy to sit at the bar by myself. Even if I see someone I would like to talk to moving from my barstool is a challenge and a half. Between my sarcasm and my occasional arrogance I can be a little tough to get to know. And for someone who is so desperate to meet someone I have rather high standards. But at the end of the day I really do consider myself to be a nice, smart, caring guy who isn’t that bad looking. You would think that someone would have fallen for me by now.
I’m not as tortured by this as I was a few months back. Maybe it is the fresh start and the fact that I have a reason to put on pants every morning. But there is only one thing in my life that I am lacking and all of the pressure is on me to find the missing piece. Any ideas on how to accomplish this would be greatly appreciated.
Best of 120 Minutes: Ned’s Atomic Dustbin had two bass players. That is the only fact that anyone can remember about this band. They were occasionally played on MTV and they always mentioned the dual bass players. The fact that I still can recall this concerns me.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Recently”
2) Sister Seven “Wrestling Over Tiny Matters”
3) Jeff Buckley and Gary Lucas “Songs to No One”
4) The Brunettes “Mars Loves Venus”
5) Jay Bennett “Bigger than Blue”
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