In Soviet Russia Blog Writes You

Do you know how tough it is to raise 300,000 in bail money on a moment’s notice? As a result of my neverending devotion to Lindsay Lohan I now know the answer to that question. I also now know that having a slightly successful Disney film when you are ten will guarantee that you will never go to jail no matter how many times you violate your probation. As my good friend Yakov Smirnoff used to tell me, “America, what a country.” That was before we deported him for having a lapsed visa of course.

(Here is my favorite Yakov Smirnoff story. Back when I lived in Kansas City I would occasionally turn on the television only to be met by a commercial advertising Yakov Smirnoff’s show in Branson. This led me to realize that a) I lived close enough to Branson that I could do it as a day trip and b) I was now considered to be part of Yakov Smirnoff’s target audience. I must admit it, that second part caused a little bit of me to die that day. Well, that and living in Kansas City in general.)

I don’t have much to report on this weekend. As much as I make fun of my time in KC at least the weekend would produce one good bar story. Now I just spend my weekend nights in Delaware at home because, well, I’m not sure that nightlife technically exists in Delaware. While it is nice to have a bar where everyone knows your name Delaware is a state where everyone knows your name. I think there are only three dozen people here; thus explaining why it might be possible that we will become the first state to elect a practicing witch to the senate. I’d write more about the election but then I remember that my blogging during the Funkhouser campaign (best known for my proposed slogan of “Bringing the Funk back to Kansas City) resulted in my actually receiving emails in which I was described as an “influential blogger”. Yeah, I have no clue how that happened.

Anyway, I did put four and a half miles in on the treadmill while watching the Notre Dame game on Saturday. I figured that given that I knew that watching the game was going to be painful I might as well make it a total body pain experience. I have gotten back into workout mode though my weight has plateaued at just over 200 pounds. It’s been good though as I have my cardio up to a nice level and I have actually started to, gasp, lift weights. It is a bit weird that I would rather hit the treadmill than lift weights but I’ve been so concerned about my bad shoulder that I’ve avoided lifting for years. But I’ve taken it nice and easy and am pretty happy with the results so far. Maybe one day I will actually have something that might be considered muscles. I am at least hoping to be in better shape when I am forty than I was when I was twenty. The scary thing is that is entirely possible.

Best of 120 Minutes (9/26/1993): We could use some more Echo and the Bunnymen in our life. Not sure why, but we just could.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Polyphonic Spree “The Fragile Army”
2) Iris Dement “The Way I Should”
3) My Morning Jacket “Okonokos”
4) Old 97’s “Alive and Wired”
5) Kelly Willis “One More Time”

A window onto Delaware

Last bit on the music comments: I completely agree about the revamping of Borders. For several years they were one of the best places to find music. They had an eclectic selection and while it was expensive you could certainly find what you were looking for. Over the past year or so I saw the quality and the care of the section decrease massively (the special displays seemed to go from highlighting artists to housing whatever CDs they had extras of.) Now they have removed most of the section completely and replaced it with absolutely nothing. Which is strange because I don’t think they have a clue what to do with that square footage and that has to be really troubling for the company. Still, that was the last straw on big box stores where you could find good music.

I’ve got a little bit of an apartment rant to go on at the moment. As I’ve mentioned before I live in a high rise apartment with massive windows. Well, on these massive windows have collected an amazing group of spiders. I say amazing because I am really high up in the air. Seriously, I’ve had birds smack into my windows up here. Yet I still have these spiders building intricate webs and capturing numerous insects. And these aren’t small spiders. These guys have some pretty serious length to them.

The good news is that they are on the outside of windows that cannot open so I don’t have to worry about them invading my apartment. However it is still rather creepy to look up and see a spider going flying past your field of view as it picks off whatever just hit its web. Right now I can see five of them and I can’t do anything about them. It does give me a bit of the heebie jeebies. My only solution is to pull down the shades but that would ruin the view of downtown Wilmington, which I admit isn’t much but it is really the only thing I have going for me here in Wilmington.

And Wilmington does have a skyline even though it consists mainly of bank buildings. Which was fun during the financial meltdown as I would wonder how they could even afford to keep the lights on. (Seriously, Chase and ING keep every single light on at all times. If I didn’t get paid by electricity usage I would have an issue.) I still don’t have a sense of this town though. Maybe my years out in Kansas have spoiled me as I got used to the sprawl. Big empty spaces filled up with strip malls. Now I am in the land of winding roads and no straight lines and I am never quite sure how to get from one place to another. Maybe I will get used to it eventually.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Since I’ve mentioned Carbon Leaf a lot this week I thought I would put in a live clip of them. This is from a record store appearance and shows how they caught my eye.

There is no there here either

Here is the nice thing about the Swine Flu. For the first time in my life my obsessive compulsiveness will come in handy. Now I can wash my hands repeatedly and everyone will think that I am just taking extra precautions as opposed to, you know, trying to get rid of the dirt that never seems to wash off. I knew that if I stuck with it long enough eventually it would be proved to be perfectly rational behavior.

It has been a rather long week and I still have one more day in the office to go. It is strange as to just how busy I am seeing that I really don’t do much. I mean, it is not like I am out at the bars every night. In fact, the degree that I go out now compared to when I lived in Kansas City is astounding. I haven’t even made it out to play trivia in weeks. Yet every night seems to be packed even all I seem to do is talk to Kim, watch tv and write. Admittedly, those are some of my favorite things in the world and I look forward to them every day but it is just odd in that they seem to take up the majority of my life.

I guess part of the reason is just the weird area in which I live. Wilmington is just a strange town. For being the largest city in the state and having a rather decent sized downtown there just doesn’t seem to be much to do. I’m sure there is and I just haven’t found it but I still find it odd that I barely pass any fast food restaurants on my way home. Everything that I would like to do always seems to be a fifteen minute drive away and that takes a lot of the fun out of things.

If there is anything that I miss about Kansas City in terms of the town itself it is the fact that I lived in quite possibly the most convenient location possible. I was blocks away from restaurants and bars. Two music clubs that featured national acts were within walking distance. A grocery store was directly across the street. On consecutive nights I could walk to a bar to play trivia and hang out with great friends. The main high end shopping district was a mile away. The only thing that wasn’t within walking distance from my apartment was a Target and a Best Buy. Other than that I could do pretty much anything I wanted without ever having to get into my car.

I guess what I miss is that convenience. I am already planning my list of things to do this weekend because now when I go out it is more of an excursion. I need to know where I am going and what I am going to pick up when I get there because of the time it will take. I have to optimize my trip and on a Saturday I have no desire to be optimizing anything. All I want to do is turn my brain off and just live in the moment. I’m hoping that I will find a way to accomplish that while living here but it has turned into a bigger challenge than I had anticipated.

Well, it is technically KFC

Just my luck, as soon as I post my analysis of Mickey Rourke’s appearance at Wrestlemania he decides to chicken out. So I feel that there is only one recourse in this situation. I, the legendary Cajun Assassin, will come out of retirement to challenge Mickey Rourke any place, any time, any style of match. If he wants a scientific wrestling match I’ll take him down with my patented Cajun Crab. If he wants to make it extreme I’ll take him on in an electrified barbed wire deathmatch. No matter what he decides I’ll make sure he feels the pain that he has inflicted on the wrestling fanbase.

(Some people might laugh at that paragraph. Others will recall that I have a wrestling mask in my office and wonder if I might not be kidding around.)

Ok, it’s late and I’m tired and I am just going to list a few strange things about this part of the country that I have noticed over the past few months. Just a sample of the apparent Bizarro World that I find myself in.

· Within a half mile of my apartment is a “Kennedy Fried Chicken” and a “New York Fried Chicken”. I never thought that any restaurant would scare me more than a KenTacoHut. I was wrong.
· There is an establishment near where I live called “The Bar”. In a way, that seems to be the exact type of place I would find myself drinking. If you are too lazy to name the place I’ll probably fit right in.
· No one in this town knows how to drive. Seriously, I thought the drivers in Kansas were the worst but I was mistaken. Sure, you would occasionally find yourself stuck behind the Joad family on K-10 but they would at least drive. Today I was stuck on a two lane road behind a driver who apparently accelerated and braked at the same time. I’ve never seen a car leave a stop light and not have the brake lights go off before. Drove me insane.
· Apparently an inch of snow is a winter weather emergency that results in school being cancelled. This wouldn’t even be an emergency in Kansas (where they once dismissed everyone from work and I didn’t even notice that it was snowing). But any thought of snow turns this area into a 70’s disaster flick.
· Way too many DJs at the bars. I have no problem with dance clubs as some people enjoy them. I however would rather listen to people play their own music instead of just borrowing someone else’s. The problem is I just have been unable to find a good bar with cool bartenders, an interesting clientele, and a properly stocked jukebox. It shouldn’t be that difficult.

Coming on Sunday: The Return of the Super Blog. Yes, the live blog returns in its traditional form. Who will win the big game? Will Bud Light cover the spread in the Bud Bowl? Will the fifty bucks I put on heads pay off this year. Join me and find out.

I could even take the Amtrak to Washington

I’m just going to end the week with a whole bunch of quick bits of things that were meant to be filler in the live blog but didn’t quite make their way there. I’d write this in paragraph form but that would require trying to craft this into a cohesive whole and I have a sinking feeling that I am too ill equipped for such an epic task.

1) I have a new least favorite person in the gym. For my first month of working out I have had exceptional luck with finding an open treadmill. Until this week I had never had an issue. This week though has been absolute crap. Today I was forced to bike 12 miles because someone decided to walk as slow as possible for forty minutes. You know what? If you are wearing a collared shirt it can’t really be considered exercise. It’s not like I’m an athlete or anything but at least I sweat. And I hate having to ride an exercise bike. It is the most boring thing known to man.

2) When you have a decent commute it is the little things that you take pleasure in. Just one little sight that makes things interesting. Such as the sign that reads “Wilmington: A Place to be Somebody”. Which is nice because it leaves open the option of remaining a nobody. So, you can imagine my dismay when my favorite billboard was replaced this week. Every day I would be stopped at a light looking at an advertisement for the University of Delaware’s MBA program. This wouldn’t mean much except that in the dead center of the picture was a rather pretty blonde. Just knowing that I would see her made getting in the car worthwhile. Now it’s been replaced by an advertisement for a cardiac center. So I have gone from seeing something that makes my heart go pitter patter to something that makes me worry about my cholesterol. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.

3) Oh, and to show how out of it I am (and how the time change screwed me up) I actually took a wrong turn on the way home this week. Now, in my defense I was tired, it was raining and this area seems to consider streetlights the work of the devil. However, imagine my joy when after a few minutes I realized that I was on a rural road with absolutely no idea where I was. I really miss I-35. Yes, it was boring and annoying but at least you could see the damn road.

4) Back to the advertising front has anyone else been stunned by the continual advertising of The World at War on DVD? As in the Time Life series on World War II that is now being advertised on network television in prime time? Now I remember these commercials from years ago back when it was on VHS and they were a staple of afternoon cable television. But to see them on prime time is just jarring. First off, I don’t really see there being a great market for people wanting crystal clear copies of World War II footage. But more to the point, is the advertising market so weak that Time Life can afford spots on national television? If there was ever a sign that network television and cable are on the same playing field then this is it.

5) Random note: Will someone who reads this (and knows me well) please email me in the next week or so to remind me to write the story of my perfect day? I’m not sure if it is blog material but it needs to be written and I have a feeling that if I’m not pushed to write it I might forget about it.

6) For those wondering, yes I am on the shortlist to take Joe Biden’s spot as senator from Delaware. However, that is mainly because I am one of only twelve people in this entire state who is actually qualified to serve in the senate. Being senator from Delaware is kind of like being named Miss Wyoming. Sure it is an honor and you get to be on the big stage along with everyone else but let’s face it; it’s not like the competition is very fierce.

7) Next week: Anniversary Celebration!!! And yes, there will be free gifts! For all of you who ever thought “Chris should pay me for having to read this every day” you will finally get your wish. Consider it a way to show off my Sprint marketing expertise: I will pay you to use my service. But it should be a lot of fun. Also everything is on track for a uber cool post on Sunday. I hope it works out the way I envision it.

I'm going as someone in the midst of a mid-life crisis

So while driving home from work today I noticed that they put up a new sign letting me know precisely when I’ve entered Delaware. This is useful because a) it lets me know that I am now in the land of no sales tax and b) in about ten minutes I will be exiting Delaware as the state is about as wide as my living room. What is more striking is what the sign itself states.

“Delaware: Small Wonder”

Do you know what this means? From now on every single time I drive home from work I will be reminded of a horrible 80’s sitcom. Night after night I am going to be forced to try to remember the girl’s name and wonder just what type of family would decide to a) purchase a robot for cleaning duty and b) decide that robot should look like a nine year old girl. Seriously, how screwed up would that dad have to be? “Here honey, I know you want to do less housework and have another child. This accomplishes both!” I’m quite confident that I will be taking a baseball bat to the sign within a month.

Since it is All Hallow’s Eve Eve I figured that I might provide some insight into Halloween. Or at least provide some reminiscences of the Halloweens of my youth. I don’t have much to discuss about the holiday as an adult. Typically I just end up in a bar, sans costume, enjoying the show around me. That did result in the girl I was chatting up one night leaving with a penguin thus causing me to really rethink my stance on global warming. As a result, I’d rather focus on the distant past, thank you very much.

I was lucky enough to be born in that wonderful time pre both the commercialism and the insane fear that has gripped the holiday. It wasn’t this massive venture in which stores pop up with the sole purpose of selling you a poorly made costume that you would wear once and throw out. No, you would find a costume, or make one, and go out. (In my family costumes tended to be reused. I think that over the course of a decade all four of the boys in the family wore the same pirate costume.) It just wasn’t a big thing to have this expensive costume. You could still get away with throwing on a sheet and calling yourself a ghost. Just as long as it wasn’t a fitted sheet.

But the bigger thing is that this was still when you went around the neighborhood by yourself and knocked on doors. I was nine in 1982 when the Tylenol scare occurred. Being from Chicago this was a huge deal as people were dying for no apparent reason. Sending your kids out to get candy from strangers suddenly sounded like a rather odd idea. That was also my last year trick or treating because I outgrew it. I never had the “Only trick or treat at houses you know” or “We do everything at the school because it is safer”. I went with my brothers through the neighborhood in search of the best loot.

There were the good houses that would allow a nice grab into the candy bin. If you were lucky you got some Nestle Crunch bars. Less lucky and you’d get some Smarties or those damn packages of two SweetTarts. That was such a lame one. At least a fun size bar gave you a decent sense of the total package. Here it was just a tease. The worst case scenario was you’d find the one person who handed out circus peanuts. No one in the history of the planet has ever eaten one of those. I think we chucked most of ours at squirrels. We even had a sweet neighbor who gave out pennies, which made us happy because we were earning a profit.

But the best neighbor, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life, gave out the following and all of my brothers will attest to this. I know no one will believe me but this is true. Every year we would make our way to one house because the dad would hand us cans of Dr. Pepper. Yes, we would knock on the door, say “Trick or Treat” and be handed a can of refreshing Dr. Pepper. Even at seven I realized that this wasn’t quite the idea. The story was that the dad worked for the bottling company but I always like to think of him as being the guy who decided to just be different because it struck him as funny.

So have fun tomorrow, all of those in search of goodies. Next week: More Pick Up Artist and Election Night Live Blog! I’ll be writing until there is a winner or I lose my sanity, whichever comes first.

What makes a candidate (part one)

I think I should state for the public record how incredibly grateful I am that I received a job offer when I did. Given that I sit on a trade floor and could literally watch the markets move on a second by second basis this afternoon the fact that I was sitting at a desk and not on my couch was a very comforting thought. True, the couch would be more comfortable but I have a feeling that I would be there a long time given where this market is headed.

Incredibly though, I actually received an email today asking if I had time for a job interview. What amazes me most is not that someone is hiring in this climate but that I was emailed given that I haven’t been actively searching for a job since I received this offer two and a half months ago. I understood the rejection email I received today but the very serious interview one was a bit of a pleasant shock. At least I am still a bit of a desired quantity.

Completely random note of the night: I have roughly a 35 minute commute to work. It dawned on me today that to my knowledge I do not pass a single stand alone McDonald’s on the entire trip. There might be one in the Wal-Mart I drive by but that would be it. That astounds me. During my 30 minute commute in KC I would pass at least three on the way. I can’t decide if this is a sign of a higher level of culture, a void of one of the true symbols of Americana or a massive business opportunity. I honestly can’t believe that there is any place in America where you could drive on major roads for half an hour and not pass a McDonald’s.

Switching gears to politics I need to write a bit about Sarah Palin in a way that I think the media has completely ignored. Now I’m not going to get into whether or not she is qualified to be vice president. She is so woefully unqualified that I am frightened at the very thought of her being on a ballot. I’m also not going to address the fact that she got schooled in an interview by Katie Couric, someone who spent decades talking mainly to Willard Scott. I’m not even going to try to explain how she could have come in second in the Miss Alaska competition given that there are like five women in the entire state. No, what I think her Achilles heel as a candidate really is is her accent.

As much as we all like to talk about how the US is a meritocracy the fact is that everyone has built in stereotypes and accent is one of the biggest. To use a British example, it’s how we consider someone like Christopher Hitchens with his Oxford accent to be a genius while the guys from Oasis with their Manchester drawl to be uneducated wankers. We connect accents with education. In the US, our political leaders typically have northeast accents, which imply Ivy League educations, or the plain, Midwestern accents of most television broadcasters.

No one questioned George H.W. Bush’s intelligence given his Connecticut accent while George W. Bush’s southern drawl helps to peg him as a moron (along with well, his policy decisions and a whole host of other factors). Bill Clinton had a bit of a southern drawl but only brought it out when he wanted to give an impression of “Aw shucks” and put the country at ease and get a laugh. When he needed to be serious it disappeared. Reagan with his Midwestern pipes and theatrical training was able to gain respect just based on his voice alone. Even both presidential candidates have solid voices. Obama has a combination Hawaiian / Ivy League tone that provides substance as well as an unusual quality while McCain has a well polished military demeanor.

Sarah Palin, on the other hand, sounds like one of the characters from Fargo or someone who stepped out of Strange Brew. She has that Canadian twang with a high pitch and a lot of “hey theres” and “you knows” as part of her vocal tics. To anyone outside of Upper Wisconsin and Minnesota the sound of her voice not only does not provide confidence but it is also rather annoying. It’s too high pitched and unsubstantial. This isn’t a shot at her because she is a woman. Hillary with her Chicago roots sounds like a politician. Palin sounds like someone’s mom and you aren’t looking for that in an executive.