Send in the clowns...

I figured that I would share the scariest picture that I could find tonight. I’m pretty sure it can’t be beat. The depressing circular tables, the unergonomic chairs and the horrifying ennui of a little used hotel conference room.

Oh, and the clowns. Definitely the clowns. There is no way in the world that the second one on the left hasn’t left a few bodies hastily disposed of in a forest.

I’m not sure if the intense fear of clowns is new or just something I’ve become more aware of over the years. My grandmother collected little clown figurines and I have a few of hers on my desk at home as a reminder of her. It’s really tough for me to view clowns as scary in that regard. They just remind me of grandma’s house.

This picture, on the other hand…

I think there are a few reasons why clowns terrify people. Some of it must go back to childhood birthday parties where this giant person in outrageous makeup and costume acts crazy in front of you and instead of finding it funny you have no idea how to react because this thing is the exact opposite of everything that you have encountered in your entire life. Also, your average birthday clown isn’t particularly funny and balloon animals are highly overrated.

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In my mind what makes people scared of clowns is that there makeup and costume makes them impossible to read. They are so outlandish and noticeable that our minds can’t grasp their motivations. The white makeup erases your ability to focus on any facial expressions other than the big red nose. The wigs freak you out because of the fact that they clearly are wigs and it puts them in that uncanny valley between people and pictures. Add in the baggy, oversized clothing that drives you to insane thoughts about what might be hiding amongst the folds and you have the stuff of nightmares.

So just remember tonight that in the Ramada off that highway exit that you’ve never seen anyone actually take, in a back corner conference room reserved for a “Cereal Convention” this scene is taking place. Beware.

Costume ideas

It’s Halloween time again and that means for the fifteenth straight year I will be putting on the backpack, stocking cap and red and white striped shirt and see if people can find me in a crowded bar. (Because I’m Waldo, get it? This was even funnier when I would do this in the Waldo section of Kansas City. People would yell “Where’s Waldo” and I would go “You’re already there, moron.” Ah, good times.) Anyway, since not everyone is as creative as I am I figured that I would provide some helpful costume hints this year.

If you want to look like everyone else: Dress up as your favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Every other person will be dressed like Snookie this year so you will blend in perfectly. Note: this is not an acceptable costume if you happen to actually be in New Jersey.

If you have absolutely no time to make a costume: Stick a small pencil behind your ear and call yourself a miniature golf scorekeeper.

If you want a geeky but cool costume: Dress as Clark Kent. Normal dress attire but with a Superman t-shirt slightly visible underneath. Whenever anyone asks who you are supposed to be dramatically pull at your shirt as you strike a heroic pose (props to the io9 commenter I borrowed this idea from.)

If you want to steal the girl a guy has been talking to, buying drinks for and even a late dinner for at the bar: A life sized penguin costume. Not that I am speaking from experience or anything. People ask me about my irrational hatred of penguins and I can only tell them, “Trust me, it’s not irrational.”

If you want to live out your Karate Kid fantasies in a very impractical manner: Dress as a shower. Actually saw this costume in a bar once.

If you want to truly live out your Karate Kid fantasies: Get one of those kick ass skeleton costumes and head over to Ralph Macchio’s house. Teach him that Cobra Kai is the only dojo that matters.

If you need to incorporate your current level of weight gain: Where shorts and a solid color t-shirt and say that you are a Biggest Loser contestant.

If you need to go from the office straight to a party: Rock out the suit and say that you are Barney Stinson.

If you want to dress as your favorite political candidate: Don’t. Please, for the love of god, don’t. I’ve seen enough political witches this year already thank you very much.

That's right, you're not from Texas

Sorry for the lack of posts but Kim and I were having a nice vacation in San Antonio where we were remembering that place that was surprisingly difficult to find and even after you found it you were slightly underwhelmed. Incredibly, if Wikipedia and our river cruise driver is to be believed, San Antonio is the 7th largest city in the country. That makes you wonder how Kansas City can have baseball and football teams while San Antonio has only the Spurs.

We had just an amazing time in the city. We were in town for the Notre Dame – Washington State game, which I have yet to hear a good reason for why the game was in the Alamodome. On the plus side, it was very easy to tell who was rooting for which team as everyone was decked out in team colors except for Kim and myself. We were for game day of course but the rest of the time we dressed in clothes without logos and I swear we were the only ones who did so. The River Walk was a blast, the weather was perfect and it was a few days of pure enjoyment. Got to meet up with a few friends along the way as well, which makes life even better.

It was also Halloween while we were there (obviously) and I have to yet again bring up a comment on Halloween costumes. Mainly, are there any costumes for women that cannot be described as “slutty?” Seriously, I know that this adults wearing costumes is a bit of a recent phenomenon but I swear that every costume looked as though as it was purchased in the back room of a shop with age restrictions on the door. I understand that this would be an option for some costumes but pretty much every single one fell into this category. You’d think that at some point somebody would try something different.

And we didn’t even go in the Coyote Ugly on Halloween so I am not even using that as a reference point. But yes, we did drink there one afternoon. No, I didn’t dance on the bar. I did look for Piper Pearbo though.

That is about it for tonight. I’m rather tired from the trip, the flights, and the numerous time changes. Remember to turn your clocks back, even if you live in Indiana. Actually, apologies if you live in Indiana. Changing clocks should be the least of your worries. I am going to go to bed and have a nice long, non-margarita enduced nap.

Best of 120 Minutes: Social Distortion. I have only two words for you. Fuck and Yeah.

Video removed due to awesomeness

The five random CDs for the week:
1) U2 “Achtung Baby”
2) She and Him “Volume One”
3) The Freddy Jones Band “Lucid”
4) John Wesley Harding “The Confessions of St. Ace”
5) Emmylou Harris “Wrecking Ball”

I shall do exactly 6.02 shots

I want to start off by wishing everyone a happy Mole Day on Friday. 10/23 get it? Damnit, Sheldon would have found that funny.

So I am now being confronted with all types of political advertising as I drive to work in the morning. As this is an off election year we are dealing with all of those local races that no one cares about and you are completely surprised that the candidates can even afford yard signs. Especially for the candidate who is running for Coroner. I’m not making this up. Not only is there an election for the job of coroner but people are also openly campaigning for it.

I am at a loss to think of what a debate between coroner candidates would look like. Would they be quizzed on their favorite Quincy episodes? Would imply that the other will, on occasion, wear a patient’s brains as a coonskin cap? Or state that their opponent simply “Really likes dead bodies if you know what I mean?” What should my criteria be in this election anyway?

On another note, it looks like Lil Wayne will be getting a year’s worth of jail time for a gun charge. Let’s study how this will impact his musical career, shall we? Tupac averages a new record every year despite the slight problem of being, for all technical purposes, dead. And we’re not talking “spending a year deceased for tax purposes like Hotblack Desiato” I’m talking when he rolls over in his grave the Earth has to shift type of deceased. So I’m thinking that a year in prison should equate to a five disc box set for Lil Wayne. Ah hip hop, the musical genre where neither death nor imprisonment nor talent get in the way of new record releases.

Since we are going into the last weekend before Halloween (and since I am obviously grasping for topics tonight) I think it is time to start discussing costumes. Especially with Halloween being on a Saturday this year even if you just want to have a normal Saturday night at the bar, sitting on your stool in the corner, talking to no one, and drinking until you can no longer remember your own name, you will now be forced to deal with people in fancy outfits. My question is: at what age is dressing up in a costume to go to a bar no longer appropriate?

I am not questioning wearing a costume to a costume party. There it is a social norm and often there are prizes involved. Or at least that is what I assume happens at those parties. Certainly I will never question wearing a costume to either a science fiction or comic book convention. I mean, do you know what people would say to me if I went to a Star Wars convention in anything other than my Wedge Antilles costume? I would never be able to show my face in public again. But to a bar? That just seems a different matter.

I think at some point you reach an age where doing something because it is fun and stupid no longer becomes acceptable. Dressing up as a human sperm when you are 23? Perfectly understandable. Wearing face paint when you are 35? Kind of depressing. Any thoughts on this matter? Or should I just break out the penguin costume one last time?

I'm going as someone in the midst of a mid-life crisis

So while driving home from work today I noticed that they put up a new sign letting me know precisely when I’ve entered Delaware. This is useful because a) it lets me know that I am now in the land of no sales tax and b) in about ten minutes I will be exiting Delaware as the state is about as wide as my living room. What is more striking is what the sign itself states.

“Delaware: Small Wonder”

Do you know what this means? From now on every single time I drive home from work I will be reminded of a horrible 80’s sitcom. Night after night I am going to be forced to try to remember the girl’s name and wonder just what type of family would decide to a) purchase a robot for cleaning duty and b) decide that robot should look like a nine year old girl. Seriously, how screwed up would that dad have to be? “Here honey, I know you want to do less housework and have another child. This accomplishes both!” I’m quite confident that I will be taking a baseball bat to the sign within a month.

Since it is All Hallow’s Eve Eve I figured that I might provide some insight into Halloween. Or at least provide some reminiscences of the Halloweens of my youth. I don’t have much to discuss about the holiday as an adult. Typically I just end up in a bar, sans costume, enjoying the show around me. That did result in the girl I was chatting up one night leaving with a penguin thus causing me to really rethink my stance on global warming. As a result, I’d rather focus on the distant past, thank you very much.

I was lucky enough to be born in that wonderful time pre both the commercialism and the insane fear that has gripped the holiday. It wasn’t this massive venture in which stores pop up with the sole purpose of selling you a poorly made costume that you would wear once and throw out. No, you would find a costume, or make one, and go out. (In my family costumes tended to be reused. I think that over the course of a decade all four of the boys in the family wore the same pirate costume.) It just wasn’t a big thing to have this expensive costume. You could still get away with throwing on a sheet and calling yourself a ghost. Just as long as it wasn’t a fitted sheet.

But the bigger thing is that this was still when you went around the neighborhood by yourself and knocked on doors. I was nine in 1982 when the Tylenol scare occurred. Being from Chicago this was a huge deal as people were dying for no apparent reason. Sending your kids out to get candy from strangers suddenly sounded like a rather odd idea. That was also my last year trick or treating because I outgrew it. I never had the “Only trick or treat at houses you know” or “We do everything at the school because it is safer”. I went with my brothers through the neighborhood in search of the best loot.

There were the good houses that would allow a nice grab into the candy bin. If you were lucky you got some Nestle Crunch bars. Less lucky and you’d get some Smarties or those damn packages of two SweetTarts. That was such a lame one. At least a fun size bar gave you a decent sense of the total package. Here it was just a tease. The worst case scenario was you’d find the one person who handed out circus peanuts. No one in the history of the planet has ever eaten one of those. I think we chucked most of ours at squirrels. We even had a sweet neighbor who gave out pennies, which made us happy because we were earning a profit.

But the best neighbor, and one that I will remember for the rest of my life, gave out the following and all of my brothers will attest to this. I know no one will believe me but this is true. Every year we would make our way to one house because the dad would hand us cans of Dr. Pepper. Yes, we would knock on the door, say “Trick or Treat” and be handed a can of refreshing Dr. Pepper. Even at seven I realized that this wasn’t quite the idea. The story was that the dad worked for the bottling company but I always like to think of him as being the guy who decided to just be different because it struck him as funny.

So have fun tomorrow, all of those in search of goodies. Next week: More Pick Up Artist and Election Night Live Blog! I’ll be writing until there is a winner or I lose my sanity, whichever comes first.

Or I'll just be a miniature golf scorekeeper...

Best of 120 Minutes: Wow, now I feel old. I just realized that this song came out when I was a senior in high school. Back when we thought that the fall of the Berlin Wall was a big deal. Does anyone else realize that kids in college today have no idea what the Cold War was like? Seriously, they’ve never had to deal with a communist threat. Hence, they probably don’t care about the Olympics nearly as much as I do.

Anyway, I actually remember sitting in a high school assembly grooving to this song. Why it was being played I have no idea. Also, I’ve drank with the bass player of Jesus Jones. How in the world that actually happened is beyond me. Still better than my brother’s story of drinking with REO Speedwagon.

So I took Friday off and slept in until eleven. Yep, that’s how freaking sleep deprived I’ve been recently. There are a lot of reasons why I sometimes don’t make much sense, a complete lack of sleep is one of them. My main reason for taking the day off was to have a follow up with my doctor on my medical misadventure from last month. The good news is that I have been given an effectively clean bill of health. The bad news is I still have regular appointments “until I feel normal again.” I still haven’t figured out if that is my sense of normal or what a regular person would consider normal. To be honest, I have no idea what that would feel like. I assume that when I find Adam Sandler films funny I’ll be considered normal. Talk about the cure being worse than the disease.

The fun thing is that my doctor is at KU Med so I also have med students using me as their test subject. He was showing the student how to listen to heart and lungs. Not a big deal to me, I’ve got a great doctor and I understood this when I went to KU Med in the first place. However, it just feels bizarre to have a doctor use me as an example of a perfectly healthy specimen. I even have a healthy liver apparently. I have no idea how that is even possible.

On that note, I was out at the bars last night. Given the way my week had gone I kind of needed a night out on my own. Also, this was one of my favorite weekends to go out as I get to rip on Halloween costumes. Personally, I told everyone that I was dressed as Bill Gates. Do you know how many months I have worked to perfect this flabby physique, unmanageable hair and unfashionable glasses? That is dedication to a costume.

(Question for whoever reads this: Should I do the following for Wednesday: buy a red and white striped shirt, a red and white striped stocking cap, put on my old glasses, and sit in a bar and gauge people’s reaction? After how many cries of “We’ve found Waldo” do you think I would go insane?)

Some things I learned from watching the crowd last night. I’m pretty confident that wearing a banana costume will not result in affection from the ladies. A KU shirt and a pillow makes for a rather effective impersonation of their football coach. The Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox combination was actually rather clever and it took me time to get the reference. Props to the guy dressed like Hunter S. Thompson, which is something I should do one of these years. Still, nothing that tops the Rainbow Brite girl from last year or the guy dressed as a shower.

And sadly, I didn’t run into the Morton Salt girl. In either the actual girl I talked to last year or the metaphorical girl of my dreams who may or may not be carrying a yellow umbrella at any given moment in time. But it’s not Halloween yet and you should never count me out. Life always has its way of making my stories for me.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Eleni Mandell “Afternoon”
2) Immaculate Machine “Fables”
3) Various Artists “Soundtrack to Before Sunrise and Before Sunset”
4) Aimee Mann “The Forgotten Arm”
5) Mary Lou Lord “Got No Shadow”