And I’m back…
Ok, I know I owe a bit of an explanation here. I’ve been on vacation the past few days. As is usually the case when I need to reset myself and contemplate what my future will hold I made my way to New Orleans. Because there are certain things in life that can only be comprehended over a good bowl of gumbo. I decided to log off, not check my email, rest the blog, and just be in the moment for once in my life.
It’s strange at how unusual it is for me to completely log off from the universe. I’ll admit to checking Facebook on my phone but from Friday until today that was all I did. For someone who is so wired in, who spends most of his time connected to a computer, to just spend the day walking around a city, looking at artwork and enjoying himself is a really amazing experience. I wasn’t concerned about numbers or spam emails or how many hits my blog got yesterday. I just wanted to be outside, relax and be happy.
(Interesting note on the comment about how people appreciate my posts when they are upbeat and positive. Those posts are incredibly difficult for me to write. One reason is that I just am funnier as a curmudgeon. I can make great jokes about how horrible the world is, how stupid other people are and how pathetic a loser I am in about two seconds. Those posts are incredibly easy to write. But having to write about being happy? I don’t really have the vocabulary for it.
The other reason is this. I am superstitious to the point of paralyzing fear. There is a part of my brain that is convinced that if I talk about how I am happy, that if I reveal the reason why I am happy, expound on how I expect this happiness to continue on into the future, that the happiness will then cease to be and I will be thrust back into my sad, curmudgeonly existence. This makes life rather challenging, especially given that it explains why I never seem to let myself be happy.)
I’ll probably tell some of the stories over the next few days (the Krewe of Barkus and Valentine the Dog both deserve their day in the sun). Right now I just want to unpack, relax and get ready for work tomorrow. Because I can’t avoid the real world forever.
And Valentine’s Day? Let’s just say that it is one I will never forget. And as a result I really hope to have to learn how to write upbeat and happy posts for a long time to come.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I guess that is why he called the album Heartbreaker
Ryan Adams just got engaged to Mandy Moore. I was going to try to think of a clever opening but I decided that there was nothing that I could write that could compare to that simple sentence. Ryan Adams, a man who in the past has dated Beth Orton and Parker Posey (two of the women who made my Perfect Mate list because I would marry them in an instant), has decided that the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with is Mandy Moore. Now I know Ryan has this penchant of being a self-destructive artist but I feel that this is taking it one step too far. If given a choice between a stint in rehab and marrying Mandy Moore I clearly consider rehab to be the better career choice.
Plus, what type of guy gets engaged a few days before Valentine’s Day? If you are not going to pop the question at Christmas you might as well just wait until the big day so it will be both commercial and romantic. I have a feeling that Ryan popped the question sometime during the third quarter of the Super Bowl. The game began to get a little boring and his attention started to wander so he decided to ask Mandy to marry him.
(The best engagement story I know is two friends of mine who got engaged on Leap Day last year. It was brilliant because a) they would never forget the date and b) the guy would only be responsible for buying a present once every four years.)
Also, I know that many people have been awaiting my annual Valentine’s Day rant this year. Especially this year given that the big day falls on a Saturday as that means I cannot even perform my favorite weekend activity of becoming the face at the end of the bar as I would be surrounded by happy couples celebrating the night out. So I know that people have been waiting for my schedule of Smiths CDs that I would be listening to over the course of the night as I sit in my darkened apartment. Or maybe I would reinitiate my offer from last year of taking one lucky woman to dinner at Outback Steakhouse where she would be granted one (1) 25 dollar gift card to go towards the cost of her meal and drinks (any expenses over twenty five dollars to be paid for by said woman, offer not valid if used to purchase Outback Steakhouse t-shirts or souvenir boomerangs). I mean, it is tradition, right?
Well I can’t complain this year because I, uh, have plans for Saturday. Look I am as confused as you are. I’ve spent my entire life being cynical at this time of year and now I can’t and it kind of frightens me. How do people live like this? I mean, smiling takes a hell of a lot more effort than I imagined. And what about having to like things? That can’t be natural, can it?
As always, I have no idea what is going to happen next with my life. But I’ll say this, if you just open yourself to life some amazing things can happen.
Plus, what type of guy gets engaged a few days before Valentine’s Day? If you are not going to pop the question at Christmas you might as well just wait until the big day so it will be both commercial and romantic. I have a feeling that Ryan popped the question sometime during the third quarter of the Super Bowl. The game began to get a little boring and his attention started to wander so he decided to ask Mandy to marry him.
(The best engagement story I know is two friends of mine who got engaged on Leap Day last year. It was brilliant because a) they would never forget the date and b) the guy would only be responsible for buying a present once every four years.)
Also, I know that many people have been awaiting my annual Valentine’s Day rant this year. Especially this year given that the big day falls on a Saturday as that means I cannot even perform my favorite weekend activity of becoming the face at the end of the bar as I would be surrounded by happy couples celebrating the night out. So I know that people have been waiting for my schedule of Smiths CDs that I would be listening to over the course of the night as I sit in my darkened apartment. Or maybe I would reinitiate my offer from last year of taking one lucky woman to dinner at Outback Steakhouse where she would be granted one (1) 25 dollar gift card to go towards the cost of her meal and drinks (any expenses over twenty five dollars to be paid for by said woman, offer not valid if used to purchase Outback Steakhouse t-shirts or souvenir boomerangs). I mean, it is tradition, right?
Well I can’t complain this year because I, uh, have plans for Saturday. Look I am as confused as you are. I’ve spent my entire life being cynical at this time of year and now I can’t and it kind of frightens me. How do people live like this? I mean, smiling takes a hell of a lot more effort than I imagined. And what about having to like things? That can’t be natural, can it?
As always, I have no idea what is going to happen next with my life. But I’ll say this, if you just open yourself to life some amazing things can happen.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Mistakes? I've made a few...
In honor of the upcoming holiday I thought that I would delve back into the wonderful world of relationship advice. Or more accurately, I’ll give my opinion on the wonderful online advice provided by Yahoo! Personals, which is quite possibly the only dating advice site that results in my calling up my old blueprints on how to build a robotic soulmate. Because that would be much easier than figuring out these instructions.
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/62971/5-biggest-dating-mistakes-that-single-men-make
So let’s look at men’s biggest dating mistakes and compare that to my experience. Because let’s face it, if there is a dating mistake out there I have made it.
1) Men show off or try to impress too much: Ok, I understand that my rattling off my resume as though you are a potential employer is probably not the best tactic to make. But aren’t I supposed to talk about myself? If you ask me what I do isn’t it in my best interest to mention my nice job? When you ask where I went to school isn’t it proper to mention my MBA? It’s not showing off if I’m stating facts.
Yes, men should ask questions on the date. We need to show interest about who you are and what you are doing. But I don’t see why I can’t mention my good qualities.
Also, I love the fact that I am instructed to not try to show off where elsewhere on the site it states that if I ever want to have a second date how important it is that I wear good shoes. Because for some reason that is considered to be the best metric in determining someone’s value as a mate.
2) Men don’t listen to us when we’re talking: It’s not that we are not listening. It’s just that there is a rather interesting hockey game taking place over your left shoulder and we are trying to remember who is the goalie for the Nashville Predators. Ninety percent of men find that piece of information to be more important than your discussion of how much you love scrapbooking.
Ok, I’ll admit that I am guilty of this one. But that is just because I get bored easily. I start off every date listening intently and as the date goes on I can feel my interest in the woman and the conversation slowly wane. That is why what I am really looking for in a woman is someone who doesn’t bore me. If you can keep me interested conversation after conversation I’ll pretty much walk through a wall for you.
At least I don’t actively check out other women while on a date. Though if I’m checking my phone it is usually a sign that I am hoping beyond hope that someone will call me to free me from this date because otherwise I am going to have to reach over the bar and stick my hand in the blender just so I will no longer have to listen to the woman talk about her cat.
3) Men aren’t chivalrous: For once, a rule that I am on the right side of. I am old fashioned and caring. I open doors, I walk my date to the door, I even stand on the side nearest the street when we walk side by side so in the situation that a car bounds upon the sidewalk I will go sprawling across the hood instead of her. Except that I’ve had someone break up with me partly because I did all of these things and she thought it was silly. And I screwed up with the librarian solely because I did not pick up the check.
This is why I feel that all relationships should begin with a checklist. A handoff of information telling me whether you want me to be old fashioned or an enlightened male. Every step of the relationship could then follow the flow chart with both parties initialing what steps have been completed. This will make the mating process much more efficient in my mind.
4) Men don’t take initiative: I actually agree with this one. If there is any huge flaw in my dating tactics. Whenever I am out and the woman asks “what do you want to do” my answer is “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” In part this is because like most men it is very difficult for me to change my routine. I can’t really answer the question with “Well, since it is Saturday I typically lie on the couch all day and then go to the bar and get blitzed.” It’s tough to think of activities that do not immediately involve alcohol.
But the main issue here that I deal with is the struggle to find something that is interesting that the woman would not immediately hate. I always feel pressured to make every moment perfect. A relationship is like a minefield to me. I feel as though one wrong step and poof, the woman of my dreams will suddenly disappear. Even worse I don’t have a map to follow. So I try to get her to take the lead because in doing so I hope that I can avoid some of the biggest mistakes. Except that in doing so I show that I have no confidence and without confidence I am pretty much worthless. So the key is to have the courage to make that first step and hope that things don’t turn out too badly.
5) Men say they’ll call and then don’t: I’m sorry but I always call. How about this one. You call the woman, get her voice mail, and leave a message. A few days pass and you call again and leave another message. A week passes and still no response. After consulting with your lawyer you determine that you are allowed one last phone call to state your interest before withdrawing in defeat and despair. In the end, the guy isn’t even acknowledged as existing.
I know I’ve made this rant before but there is nothing in the realm of dating that I hate more than this. I don’t care if you don’t like me and don’t want to see me again. Ok, I care but at least if I know about it I can address it. All I want is the acknowledgement that I exist. This should go both ways. Men should call, women should return the call. It would make things so much more pleasant.
At least I can say that I am improving on this front. Or at least I think I am. Life can be awfully strange sometimes…
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ll keep with the romantic theme with Damien Rice’s “The Blower’s Daughter”. Romance is a messy thing and Damien knows how to express that fact.
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/62971/5-biggest-dating-mistakes-that-single-men-make
So let’s look at men’s biggest dating mistakes and compare that to my experience. Because let’s face it, if there is a dating mistake out there I have made it.
1) Men show off or try to impress too much: Ok, I understand that my rattling off my resume as though you are a potential employer is probably not the best tactic to make. But aren’t I supposed to talk about myself? If you ask me what I do isn’t it in my best interest to mention my nice job? When you ask where I went to school isn’t it proper to mention my MBA? It’s not showing off if I’m stating facts.
Yes, men should ask questions on the date. We need to show interest about who you are and what you are doing. But I don’t see why I can’t mention my good qualities.
Also, I love the fact that I am instructed to not try to show off where elsewhere on the site it states that if I ever want to have a second date how important it is that I wear good shoes. Because for some reason that is considered to be the best metric in determining someone’s value as a mate.
2) Men don’t listen to us when we’re talking: It’s not that we are not listening. It’s just that there is a rather interesting hockey game taking place over your left shoulder and we are trying to remember who is the goalie for the Nashville Predators. Ninety percent of men find that piece of information to be more important than your discussion of how much you love scrapbooking.
Ok, I’ll admit that I am guilty of this one. But that is just because I get bored easily. I start off every date listening intently and as the date goes on I can feel my interest in the woman and the conversation slowly wane. That is why what I am really looking for in a woman is someone who doesn’t bore me. If you can keep me interested conversation after conversation I’ll pretty much walk through a wall for you.
At least I don’t actively check out other women while on a date. Though if I’m checking my phone it is usually a sign that I am hoping beyond hope that someone will call me to free me from this date because otherwise I am going to have to reach over the bar and stick my hand in the blender just so I will no longer have to listen to the woman talk about her cat.
3) Men aren’t chivalrous: For once, a rule that I am on the right side of. I am old fashioned and caring. I open doors, I walk my date to the door, I even stand on the side nearest the street when we walk side by side so in the situation that a car bounds upon the sidewalk I will go sprawling across the hood instead of her. Except that I’ve had someone break up with me partly because I did all of these things and she thought it was silly. And I screwed up with the librarian solely because I did not pick up the check.
This is why I feel that all relationships should begin with a checklist. A handoff of information telling me whether you want me to be old fashioned or an enlightened male. Every step of the relationship could then follow the flow chart with both parties initialing what steps have been completed. This will make the mating process much more efficient in my mind.
4) Men don’t take initiative: I actually agree with this one. If there is any huge flaw in my dating tactics. Whenever I am out and the woman asks “what do you want to do” my answer is “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” In part this is because like most men it is very difficult for me to change my routine. I can’t really answer the question with “Well, since it is Saturday I typically lie on the couch all day and then go to the bar and get blitzed.” It’s tough to think of activities that do not immediately involve alcohol.
But the main issue here that I deal with is the struggle to find something that is interesting that the woman would not immediately hate. I always feel pressured to make every moment perfect. A relationship is like a minefield to me. I feel as though one wrong step and poof, the woman of my dreams will suddenly disappear. Even worse I don’t have a map to follow. So I try to get her to take the lead because in doing so I hope that I can avoid some of the biggest mistakes. Except that in doing so I show that I have no confidence and without confidence I am pretty much worthless. So the key is to have the courage to make that first step and hope that things don’t turn out too badly.
5) Men say they’ll call and then don’t: I’m sorry but I always call. How about this one. You call the woman, get her voice mail, and leave a message. A few days pass and you call again and leave another message. A week passes and still no response. After consulting with your lawyer you determine that you are allowed one last phone call to state your interest before withdrawing in defeat and despair. In the end, the guy isn’t even acknowledged as existing.
I know I’ve made this rant before but there is nothing in the realm of dating that I hate more than this. I don’t care if you don’t like me and don’t want to see me again. Ok, I care but at least if I know about it I can address it. All I want is the acknowledgement that I exist. This should go both ways. Men should call, women should return the call. It would make things so much more pleasant.
At least I can say that I am improving on this front. Or at least I think I am. Life can be awfully strange sometimes…
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ll keep with the romantic theme with Damien Rice’s “The Blower’s Daughter”. Romance is a messy thing and Damien knows how to express that fact.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I'll be cowering under my blanket if you need me
Ok, remind me not to write about the economy again. Apparently my blog is read by the leading financial minds because even my implying that the economy may be weaker than previously believed resulted in a significant drop today. I apologize to those who suffered a reduction in their finances over my statements. Life is difficult when your very statements are able to influence the future.
(On the off chance that this blog really does have the ability to influence the world I would like to state that if Julie Delpy would happen to take the next plane to the states and stop by my apartment declaring her undying love for me I am extremely confident that there will be a speedy recovery to the world economy. Just, you know, in case people want to help me control the universe or anything.)
I know that the nation is going through a tough time but I would like to make a simple request to the media: can we please stop talking about the plane landing in the river? It was a great story and yes the crew can be considered heroes but this happened a few weeks ago. Do we still need to be broadcasting interviews with the crew? If we do can we at least ask why they didn’t avoid the birds? Or ask how they feel about recklessly killing innocent animals? It just isn’t a news story any more.
Of course, we do have the story about the woman who had eight children who already had six in an effort to, uh, get a show on TLC? If she was a vertically challenged home decorator she could probably account for the entire TLC programming schedule. (Sigh. I miss when TLC actually had shows about science. Or at least Junkyard Wars.) Now I tend to be pretty open minded when it comes to what people do with their bodies and how they choose to reproduce. True, I sometimes wish that it isn’t more difficult to get a driver’s license than to bring another human being into this world but I let people make up their own minds. But if you are a single mom with six kids how can you bring yourself to sign up for in vitro fertilization? Even if she just wanted twins the question of how are you going to support them has to come to the forefront. You start to wonder if she did this just so she could have her fifteen minutes of fame. I can understand people making fun of themselves on American Idol for that very purpose. All they are putting on the line is their ego. They aren’t risking the lives of innocent people who had no choice in the matter.
Oh but don’t worry everybody. CERN is prepping to restart the Large Hadron Collider in September. You know, the one where if the experiment succeeds there is a slight possibility that the entire universe will implode? Yep, that one. So, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
(On the off chance that this blog really does have the ability to influence the world I would like to state that if Julie Delpy would happen to take the next plane to the states and stop by my apartment declaring her undying love for me I am extremely confident that there will be a speedy recovery to the world economy. Just, you know, in case people want to help me control the universe or anything.)
I know that the nation is going through a tough time but I would like to make a simple request to the media: can we please stop talking about the plane landing in the river? It was a great story and yes the crew can be considered heroes but this happened a few weeks ago. Do we still need to be broadcasting interviews with the crew? If we do can we at least ask why they didn’t avoid the birds? Or ask how they feel about recklessly killing innocent animals? It just isn’t a news story any more.
Of course, we do have the story about the woman who had eight children who already had six in an effort to, uh, get a show on TLC? If she was a vertically challenged home decorator she could probably account for the entire TLC programming schedule. (Sigh. I miss when TLC actually had shows about science. Or at least Junkyard Wars.) Now I tend to be pretty open minded when it comes to what people do with their bodies and how they choose to reproduce. True, I sometimes wish that it isn’t more difficult to get a driver’s license than to bring another human being into this world but I let people make up their own minds. But if you are a single mom with six kids how can you bring yourself to sign up for in vitro fertilization? Even if she just wanted twins the question of how are you going to support them has to come to the forefront. You start to wonder if she did this just so she could have her fifteen minutes of fame. I can understand people making fun of themselves on American Idol for that very purpose. All they are putting on the line is their ego. They aren’t risking the lives of innocent people who had no choice in the matter.
Oh but don’t worry everybody. CERN is prepping to restart the Large Hadron Collider in September. You know, the one where if the experiment succeeds there is a slight possibility that the entire universe will implode? Yep, that one. So, smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
Monday, February 09, 2009
Since when is the President more important than The Bachelor?
I am very upset that tonight's episode of How I Met Your Mother was cancelled in order for us to watch the president speak. Plus, I had to wait an hour and a half to watch The Big Bang Theory. What type of country is this? Did I suddenly move to Russia?
(However, getting to see Leonard screw up with Penny by being unable to stop analyzing the moment was something that was well worth waiting to see.)
(Oh, and wish that the reporters at the president's news conference covered all branches of the media spectrum. I want to hear Daphne LeBeau from People magazine ask "Mr. President, do you feel that Bikini Girl was unfairly booted from American Idol last week" or Joyce Deloit from Cat Fancy say "Mr. President, isn't your decision to only get a dog for your girls completely specieist?")
I guess since I am rather light on topics at the moment I will talk about the economy. One interesting thing to note is that in reality the stock market has been pretty much unchanged for the past few months. It has been languishing in the 8000s with a few tests of the 7700 floor (which I predicted back in Spetember). So despite the fact that everyone feels that the economy is getting worse the stock market has at least stabilized. I'm still really worried about what happens if we break through 7700 ( my guess is the next floor would be either 7200 or 6500) but it has been a good sign that we've been able to stay above it.
What is really impacting the economy now, and what makes this different than most of the recent recessions, is that this is really a two stage recession and we are only now hitting the second stage. All of the financial meltdowns of 2008 were really financial in nature. Banks having issues with mortgage backed securities is not something that directly effects regular people. The shock in the credit market and the failures of banks caused the huge drop in the stock market but did not initially impact most people directly. True, everyone became poorer on paper with les in their 401ks and a lower house value but their day to day paycheck was not effected. That is, until phase two began.
Which is where we are now. The companies that actually provide services are now facing with the credit crunch and know that they have to curtail their spending. This means massive layoffs, which started appearing in late 2008 but have been increasing in 2009. Now is when the recession hits the population. This is when people are unemployed and figuring out how to make ends meet. It doesn't get shown in the stock market as much (because the market is always a leading indicator) but it certainly gets shown in the American psyche.
What is next for the economy? I don't think we've seen the bottom yet but I don't feel as though we are too far removed from it. At least from a stock market perspective my fear of a 5000 Dow seems to be a lot less likely. What I expect more than anything is a very slow rebound. The only recent similarity that I can point to is the early 80's. This feels a lot like that recession (in that it is just brutal and no one can really explain why) and it took years to get back into a clearer view of the economy. So expect a few brutal months and then a little light showing at the end of the tunnel.
(However, getting to see Leonard screw up with Penny by being unable to stop analyzing the moment was something that was well worth waiting to see.)
(Oh, and wish that the reporters at the president's news conference covered all branches of the media spectrum. I want to hear Daphne LeBeau from People magazine ask "Mr. President, do you feel that Bikini Girl was unfairly booted from American Idol last week" or Joyce Deloit from Cat Fancy say "Mr. President, isn't your decision to only get a dog for your girls completely specieist?")
I guess since I am rather light on topics at the moment I will talk about the economy. One interesting thing to note is that in reality the stock market has been pretty much unchanged for the past few months. It has been languishing in the 8000s with a few tests of the 7700 floor (which I predicted back in Spetember). So despite the fact that everyone feels that the economy is getting worse the stock market has at least stabilized. I'm still really worried about what happens if we break through 7700 ( my guess is the next floor would be either 7200 or 6500) but it has been a good sign that we've been able to stay above it.
What is really impacting the economy now, and what makes this different than most of the recent recessions, is that this is really a two stage recession and we are only now hitting the second stage. All of the financial meltdowns of 2008 were really financial in nature. Banks having issues with mortgage backed securities is not something that directly effects regular people. The shock in the credit market and the failures of banks caused the huge drop in the stock market but did not initially impact most people directly. True, everyone became poorer on paper with les in their 401ks and a lower house value but their day to day paycheck was not effected. That is, until phase two began.
Which is where we are now. The companies that actually provide services are now facing with the credit crunch and know that they have to curtail their spending. This means massive layoffs, which started appearing in late 2008 but have been increasing in 2009. Now is when the recession hits the population. This is when people are unemployed and figuring out how to make ends meet. It doesn't get shown in the stock market as much (because the market is always a leading indicator) but it certainly gets shown in the American psyche.
What is next for the economy? I don't think we've seen the bottom yet but I don't feel as though we are too far removed from it. At least from a stock market perspective my fear of a 5000 Dow seems to be a lot less likely. What I expect more than anything is a very slow rebound. The only recent similarity that I can point to is the early 80's. This feels a lot like that recession (in that it is just brutal and no one can really explain why) and it took years to get back into a clearer view of the economy. So expect a few brutal months and then a little light showing at the end of the tunnel.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
I've got mail!
(As some of you know, this has been a rather tough past few days for me. I'm dealing with it by doing what I always do: cracking jokes, remembering the good times and contemplating the meaning of it all. This post will focus on the first part. This is my version of therapy.)
So I am one of the few, the proud, the many AOL users. Yes I know that it is totally uncool to still have an AOL email address but you have to put things in perspective. I have had that email address since 1995. It is nearly impossible for me to change my email address because mine predates everyone else's. (Technically I had a Prodigy email that outdated them all but even I quit that.) What this means though is I get a wonderful batch of spam on a daily basis and I thought that it would be fun to go through it based on the subject headers.
Cleanse & Flush up to 20 lbs from your colon: Have you ever seen a 20 pound dumbbell? Yeah, I in no way want to have one of those flushed out of me especially given the point of egress in this scenario. What frightens me more is that 20 pounds would be 10% of my body weight. Somehow I don't feel that having 10% of me flushed out is a helthy proposition.
Make serious extra cash typing from home: This one really confuses me. First off, who actually owns a typewriter any more? If you receive this message as an email it implies that you have a computer. If you have a computer why would you need to type something. I mean, wouldn't you just scan it in and be done with it? Or print out copies of it? Is there anything done where it is handwritten and you would have to transcribe it anymore? This seems like the biggest scam that I have ever seen.
As seen on Oprah! Lose up to 20 pounds with Acai berry: Because if there is anyone that I turn to for long lasting diet advice it is Oprah. I'm very concerned about what would happen if I combined this with my first email. I would now be down 40 pounds in less than a month. Sure, I would have lost weight but between the berries and the constant colon cleansing I doubt that I would be able to attract the opposite sex.
Monster and Career Builder Job Search Results: This comes from this summer while I was in job search mode. I set up a number of automatic search queries where I would be emailed daily regarding potential opportunities. Even though I am now gainfully and happiloy employed I've kept the queries going just to get a sense of the market. Here is what I've learned. A) At least 80% of the resumes that I submitted through online sites resulted in no reaction from the companies I applied to. B) The same unknown companies appear week after week in the search results (for the same job in the same city). C) For some reason Monster is still convinced that I have a health care background. They are now recommending that I apply for a job as a gastroentrologist. Now I've bs'ed my way through a number of job interviews in my life but that would be a challenge. I'm not sure if my "I can learn as I go along" spiel would work.
Stay warm this holiday season with Snuggie: I received this email on Friday. Now let's discount the entire Slanket concept that is the Snuggie. Let's even ignore the fact that people who are unable to properly operate a blanket are most likely not online. I'm more concerned about what holiday season we are referring to. It's the first week of February. Is there a whole Groundhog Day/Valentine's Day/President's Day holiday season that I am completely unaware of? Are they now combined into one uber holiday where we express our love via rodents while wearing a comical top hat? Or is it too cost prohibitive to change the heading on an email?
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Frames "Burn the Maps"
2) Josh Rouse "Home"
3) Sarah McLachlan "The Freedom Sessions"
4) Big Head Todd and the Monsters "Live Monsters"
5) Kelly Willis "Well Traveled Love"
So I am one of the few, the proud, the many AOL users. Yes I know that it is totally uncool to still have an AOL email address but you have to put things in perspective. I have had that email address since 1995. It is nearly impossible for me to change my email address because mine predates everyone else's. (Technically I had a Prodigy email that outdated them all but even I quit that.) What this means though is I get a wonderful batch of spam on a daily basis and I thought that it would be fun to go through it based on the subject headers.
Cleanse & Flush up to 20 lbs from your colon: Have you ever seen a 20 pound dumbbell? Yeah, I in no way want to have one of those flushed out of me especially given the point of egress in this scenario. What frightens me more is that 20 pounds would be 10% of my body weight. Somehow I don't feel that having 10% of me flushed out is a helthy proposition.
Make serious extra cash typing from home: This one really confuses me. First off, who actually owns a typewriter any more? If you receive this message as an email it implies that you have a computer. If you have a computer why would you need to type something. I mean, wouldn't you just scan it in and be done with it? Or print out copies of it? Is there anything done where it is handwritten and you would have to transcribe it anymore? This seems like the biggest scam that I have ever seen.
As seen on Oprah! Lose up to 20 pounds with Acai berry: Because if there is anyone that I turn to for long lasting diet advice it is Oprah. I'm very concerned about what would happen if I combined this with my first email. I would now be down 40 pounds in less than a month. Sure, I would have lost weight but between the berries and the constant colon cleansing I doubt that I would be able to attract the opposite sex.
Monster and Career Builder Job Search Results: This comes from this summer while I was in job search mode. I set up a number of automatic search queries where I would be emailed daily regarding potential opportunities. Even though I am now gainfully and happiloy employed I've kept the queries going just to get a sense of the market. Here is what I've learned. A) At least 80% of the resumes that I submitted through online sites resulted in no reaction from the companies I applied to. B) The same unknown companies appear week after week in the search results (for the same job in the same city). C) For some reason Monster is still convinced that I have a health care background. They are now recommending that I apply for a job as a gastroentrologist. Now I've bs'ed my way through a number of job interviews in my life but that would be a challenge. I'm not sure if my "I can learn as I go along" spiel would work.
Stay warm this holiday season with Snuggie: I received this email on Friday. Now let's discount the entire Slanket concept that is the Snuggie. Let's even ignore the fact that people who are unable to properly operate a blanket are most likely not online. I'm more concerned about what holiday season we are referring to. It's the first week of February. Is there a whole Groundhog Day/Valentine's Day/President's Day holiday season that I am completely unaware of? Are they now combined into one uber holiday where we express our love via rodents while wearing a comical top hat? Or is it too cost prohibitive to change the heading on an email?
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Frames "Burn the Maps"
2) Josh Rouse "Home"
3) Sarah McLachlan "The Freedom Sessions"
4) Big Head Todd and the Monsters "Live Monsters"
5) Kelly Willis "Well Traveled Love"
Thursday, February 05, 2009
A Day in the Life of an Urban Professional
(Editor's Note: I really can't write at the moment. I mean, I could in the sense that my hands work and I am able to form complete sentences. Just that my mind is a mess of thoughts and the blog is not the right place for them. I'll explain it over the weekend. Until then, enjoy this writing project from my past.)
As soon as I looked out the grimy train window I knew that I was in trouble. In retrospect, I should have taken my time in the morning. But, I really wanted to get to the office early and do some last minute preparation for the Boddington presentation. There would be millions of dollars riding on this meeting and it was vital that I look as calm and professional as possible. So, instead of having a little breakfast and watching the morning news, I rushed headlong out of my apartment, leaving my umbrella behind.
It looked as if my umbrella was going to be necessary. Even through the greenish tint of the window, the sky looked as if it was about to burst at the seams. I tried to remain calm as the train drew nearer to Union Station. It was just going to take a few more minutes to reach Union Station and then a 10 minute walk through downtown and I'd be home free. But, as the first drops of rain began to streak the sides of the window I started to gather up my belongings. Every second I could save now would just keep me that much dryer. With my world battered briefcase which held the presentation slides at my side I started to head for the door.
After what seemed like hours I was finally able to step off the train and into the crowd slowly moving away on the platform. I began to try to force my way through the group of dour faced businessmen but quickly stopped. I imagined the papers in my briefcase slowly folding and curling as I jostled my way through Union Station. It's one thing to look a little damp when talking in front of an audience, it's another to give them outlines which looked like they had spent time in a recycling bin. So, instead of fighting my way out, I slowly flowed with the crowd, listening all the while to the first raindrops plink off the glass windows high overhead.
I bounded up the escalator, rushing to meet the inevitable outside. The situation wasn't as bad as I expected. The sky was an ugly gray laced with a greenish hue. The storm was coming but it was only a light drizzle at the moment and I was only six blocks away from the office. Maybe my hair would get wet and my suit might not be as crisp as usual but those problems weren't fatal. Heck, no one would even notice that an hour later. It was just a ten minute walk, that's all.
I made my way across the Chicago River, feeling the wind whip across my face. Fingers of lightning began to streak across the sky. My heart started to beat a little faster as I tried to snake my way around the slower pedestrians. Fat drops of rain were now striking my face and tracing a path down the length of my glasses. Thunder continued to rumble in the distance. The storm was much closer than I thought. It would be a matter of minutes before the sky would open up and leave me standing there drenched. I could just see myself standing in front of the Board of Directors with my wet shirt clinging to my back as I placed my stained overhead slides on the projector.
But I wasn't beat yet. I cut across to the north side of Adams St. to take advantage of the storefront awnings. I borrowed other people's umbrellas, ducking under them if only for a split second. Lights didn't matter, as long as I wasn't hit by the car coming towards me. The car that was coming at the puddle next to me.
Car. Puddle. Uh oh.
Luckily someone was walking the other way just as the car hit the puddle. I slid around the poor guy and let him take the brunt of the wave. It was just three blocks now and even though the rain continued to fall at a constant rate it looked like I had a chance.
Lightning and thunder continued to play in the background, causing the lady in front of me to stop to pull out her umbrella. At least that's my best guess since the next thing I knew I had plowed right into the back of her. I was barely able to keep her from falling onto the sidewalk as the metal tip of her umbrella pierced my pant leg and began to slowly tear it's way towards my foot. With throbs of pain running down my calf and slow, steady drops of water dripping from the buildings plopping on my head I was just able to mutter, "Are you ok?" It was the only polite thing to do.
"Watch where you're going, jerk. What, you can't wait two minutes to get to work?"
"I don't have two minutes," I thought as I looked down at my leg. My pants were torn and I was limping a little but that was the least of my worries. The Vice President shouldn't be focusing on my legs but he will be looking me straight in the face, which was being pelted by rain. I could feel strands of my hair slowly moving, counteracting all the measures I took this morning. The crackles of lightning was echoing around the sky like some kind of maniacal laughter, mocking me in my helpless state. But, if I could only get across the street then I could cut through the Bank Building and then I'd be all set. So, It was one last rush across the street as I dove into the revolving door and quickly stopped.
It had to be Casmir Pulaski Day. I reassessed my situation. The rain was coming down in torrents now. The sidewalks had turned into a slow moving sea of dark suits. "One block, now or never," I muttered to myself as I sprinted down the street. My briefcase was swinging wildly, hitting a few poor souls who happened to be in my way. I did everything I could to move faster short of knocking people into the path of an oncoming bus. Half a block, quarter of a block. There seemed to be more rain with every step, as if there would be a monsoon by the time I reached the lobby. Sixty yards, forty yards. As the sky let out one last roar and dumped its contents onto the still waking city I slipped into the doorway. I was a little rattled, my hair looked as if I just got out of the shower, but I was still able to make a triumphant march to my office.
"Brian, glad to see you're here early," said my boss as he saw me saunter into the room. "They've moved the presentation to the Standard Oil Building. Hope you brought your umbrella."
As soon as I looked out the grimy train window I knew that I was in trouble. In retrospect, I should have taken my time in the morning. But, I really wanted to get to the office early and do some last minute preparation for the Boddington presentation. There would be millions of dollars riding on this meeting and it was vital that I look as calm and professional as possible. So, instead of having a little breakfast and watching the morning news, I rushed headlong out of my apartment, leaving my umbrella behind.
It looked as if my umbrella was going to be necessary. Even through the greenish tint of the window, the sky looked as if it was about to burst at the seams. I tried to remain calm as the train drew nearer to Union Station. It was just going to take a few more minutes to reach Union Station and then a 10 minute walk through downtown and I'd be home free. But, as the first drops of rain began to streak the sides of the window I started to gather up my belongings. Every second I could save now would just keep me that much dryer. With my world battered briefcase which held the presentation slides at my side I started to head for the door.
After what seemed like hours I was finally able to step off the train and into the crowd slowly moving away on the platform. I began to try to force my way through the group of dour faced businessmen but quickly stopped. I imagined the papers in my briefcase slowly folding and curling as I jostled my way through Union Station. It's one thing to look a little damp when talking in front of an audience, it's another to give them outlines which looked like they had spent time in a recycling bin. So, instead of fighting my way out, I slowly flowed with the crowd, listening all the while to the first raindrops plink off the glass windows high overhead.
I bounded up the escalator, rushing to meet the inevitable outside. The situation wasn't as bad as I expected. The sky was an ugly gray laced with a greenish hue. The storm was coming but it was only a light drizzle at the moment and I was only six blocks away from the office. Maybe my hair would get wet and my suit might not be as crisp as usual but those problems weren't fatal. Heck, no one would even notice that an hour later. It was just a ten minute walk, that's all.
I made my way across the Chicago River, feeling the wind whip across my face. Fingers of lightning began to streak across the sky. My heart started to beat a little faster as I tried to snake my way around the slower pedestrians. Fat drops of rain were now striking my face and tracing a path down the length of my glasses. Thunder continued to rumble in the distance. The storm was much closer than I thought. It would be a matter of minutes before the sky would open up and leave me standing there drenched. I could just see myself standing in front of the Board of Directors with my wet shirt clinging to my back as I placed my stained overhead slides on the projector.
But I wasn't beat yet. I cut across to the north side of Adams St. to take advantage of the storefront awnings. I borrowed other people's umbrellas, ducking under them if only for a split second. Lights didn't matter, as long as I wasn't hit by the car coming towards me. The car that was coming at the puddle next to me.
Car. Puddle. Uh oh.
Luckily someone was walking the other way just as the car hit the puddle. I slid around the poor guy and let him take the brunt of the wave. It was just three blocks now and even though the rain continued to fall at a constant rate it looked like I had a chance.
Lightning and thunder continued to play in the background, causing the lady in front of me to stop to pull out her umbrella. At least that's my best guess since the next thing I knew I had plowed right into the back of her. I was barely able to keep her from falling onto the sidewalk as the metal tip of her umbrella pierced my pant leg and began to slowly tear it's way towards my foot. With throbs of pain running down my calf and slow, steady drops of water dripping from the buildings plopping on my head I was just able to mutter, "Are you ok?" It was the only polite thing to do.
"Watch where you're going, jerk. What, you can't wait two minutes to get to work?"
"I don't have two minutes," I thought as I looked down at my leg. My pants were torn and I was limping a little but that was the least of my worries. The Vice President shouldn't be focusing on my legs but he will be looking me straight in the face, which was being pelted by rain. I could feel strands of my hair slowly moving, counteracting all the measures I took this morning. The crackles of lightning was echoing around the sky like some kind of maniacal laughter, mocking me in my helpless state. But, if I could only get across the street then I could cut through the Bank Building and then I'd be all set. So, It was one last rush across the street as I dove into the revolving door and quickly stopped.
It had to be Casmir Pulaski Day. I reassessed my situation. The rain was coming down in torrents now. The sidewalks had turned into a slow moving sea of dark suits. "One block, now or never," I muttered to myself as I sprinted down the street. My briefcase was swinging wildly, hitting a few poor souls who happened to be in my way. I did everything I could to move faster short of knocking people into the path of an oncoming bus. Half a block, quarter of a block. There seemed to be more rain with every step, as if there would be a monsoon by the time I reached the lobby. Sixty yards, forty yards. As the sky let out one last roar and dumped its contents onto the still waking city I slipped into the doorway. I was a little rattled, my hair looked as if I just got out of the shower, but I was still able to make a triumphant march to my office.
"Brian, glad to see you're here early," said my boss as he saw me saunter into the room. "They've moved the presentation to the Standard Oil Building. Hope you brought your umbrella."
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Worf is not pleased
Strange habit of mine # 327: Whenever I leave the exercise room in my apartment if I am the last one out I turn off every single television in the place. I would like to say that this is because of some grand desire to not waste electricity except that I actually make more money when people waste electricity. (This is slightly less evil than when I made a living getting people to pay me ten dollars a month for their horoscope. It’s amazing what people will buy when you promote it properly.) In reality I just have this extreme need to make sure that everything is nice and tidy whenever I leave a place. Hell, I’ll properly organize the weights if they aren’t too heavy.
Workout annoyance # 26: Having a communal workout room means communal televisions. Even though every machine has a television set in it there is also a need to have the big screen on at a volume so loud that I can’t even cover it up with my Zune. This meant that I road an exercise bike tonight while listening to American Idol. I really didn’t want to watch it. I certainly didn’t want to listen to it. And I certainly don’t understand why the judges feel the need to dance during the songs. It’s still better than the dreaded “Everybody Loves Raymond” marathon workouts.
Prank (or is it?) # 53: I am extremely upset that the news media is referring to the road signs that read “Zombies sighted in area. Run for your lives!” as mere college pranks. It is laissez faire attitudes such as that which will leave civilization in ruins in the event of a Class 4 zombie outbreak. And do we have any proof that it is actually a prank? Of course not. The government is surprisingly mum about the simultaneous rash of dismemberments in the region and the media is too scared to report the increase in military activity. As a result, I am raising my official Zombie Def Con to Level 2. Those who wish to follow me to freedom and / or survival from the zombie apocalypse are asked to form an orderly line.
Weapon you should not use to rob a store # 12: A Klingon sword of honor. Did anyone else catch this story? Some guy in Colorado robbed two 7-11’s by waving a Klingon bat’leth (and yes, I did have to look that one up) at the employees. I doubt that he will be difficult to catch. First of all, he can’t run away very quickly due to his asthma. Plus, once his mom sees the sword in her basement she’ll probably call the cops on him. As a rule, robberies should not cause the person being robbed to break out in laughter.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m searching for music that explains my life right now. Maybe this one will work. Or at least “I’m drinking until my life makes sense” is a very good description of where my brain is at the present moment. Plus, a little Old 97’s makes life much nicer.
Workout annoyance # 26: Having a communal workout room means communal televisions. Even though every machine has a television set in it there is also a need to have the big screen on at a volume so loud that I can’t even cover it up with my Zune. This meant that I road an exercise bike tonight while listening to American Idol. I really didn’t want to watch it. I certainly didn’t want to listen to it. And I certainly don’t understand why the judges feel the need to dance during the songs. It’s still better than the dreaded “Everybody Loves Raymond” marathon workouts.
Prank (or is it?) # 53: I am extremely upset that the news media is referring to the road signs that read “Zombies sighted in area. Run for your lives!” as mere college pranks. It is laissez faire attitudes such as that which will leave civilization in ruins in the event of a Class 4 zombie outbreak. And do we have any proof that it is actually a prank? Of course not. The government is surprisingly mum about the simultaneous rash of dismemberments in the region and the media is too scared to report the increase in military activity. As a result, I am raising my official Zombie Def Con to Level 2. Those who wish to follow me to freedom and / or survival from the zombie apocalypse are asked to form an orderly line.
Weapon you should not use to rob a store # 12: A Klingon sword of honor. Did anyone else catch this story? Some guy in Colorado robbed two 7-11’s by waving a Klingon bat’leth (and yes, I did have to look that one up) at the employees. I doubt that he will be difficult to catch. First of all, he can’t run away very quickly due to his asthma. Plus, once his mom sees the sword in her basement she’ll probably call the cops on him. As a rule, robberies should not cause the person being robbed to break out in laughter.
Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m searching for music that explains my life right now. Maybe this one will work. Or at least “I’m drinking until my life makes sense” is a very good description of where my brain is at the present moment. Plus, a little Old 97’s makes life much nicer.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Forgotten Television Shows: The Leap Back
Haven’t done one of these for ages…
I’m somewhat upset that kids growing up today can watch science fiction on television without any fear of retribution. Being a fan of Battlestar Galactica now implies that you like to watch a show with excellent writing and surprisingly attractive cylons as opposed to in my day where it meant that you wanted to watch Lorne Greene and the exact same special effect shot repeated three times an episode every episode. And let’s not forget the original Star Trek reruns featuring trips to the planet of fake rocks. There was absolutely no sci fi on regular television and outside of watching Dr. Who on PBS it was an unknown genre.
Quantum Leap fixed that problem by doing one thing very well: not being an obvious science fiction show. Despite the fact that the entire premise is based in science fiction (scientist is caught in his own time travel machine, leaping from body to body through time only helped by his friendly hologram) they made sure that it didn’t get in the way of the story telling. Which is the entire point of science fiction. We aren’t interested in the technical details behind the story; it is just a setting to tell us truths about ourselves.
Few shows did that as well as Quantum Leap. You never knew what you were going to get when you sat down to watch an episode. Sure there were a few constants. Sam would spend the first part of the episode confused. Al would make a leering comment at a female. Ziggy the super computer would wait until the final minute to reveal the solution to the problem. But the stories themselves would vary from decade to decade and could focus on social ills to family struggles to just pure comedy. The fact that fifteen years later I can still recall about a dozen episodes from memory (the evil leaper, the three part trilogy, the much argued about final episode) tells you something about the quality of the show.
I think what has stayed with me most about the show is just how incredible the writing and the acting was behind the show. When you are growing up you reach a point at which your television watching habits change. You grow up laughing at shows like Alf and Perfect Strangers and while you might watch a show like St. Elsewhere you don’t really get it. Those are shows your parents watch and they control the remote. But at some point you are watching television and realize that it can be more.
Because Quantum Leap showed that subtlety could be a wonderful thing. The sly references to history hidden throughout the episode: items that would only be caught if you were paying attention. The fact that as the show progressed Sam and Al’s relationship became even more nuanced until the point in which they became more real than fiction. It was the first show that made me think. Really, really think about what I just saw and what it meant to the world.
There is one other reason behind my love of the show. I had my first lucid dream (the ability to be awake in your own dream) after watching an episode. I always say that it wasn’t coincidental. Something about the show helped to flip the switch in my brain that now allows me to fly whenever I feel the need to. I wish all shows could open up your consciousness to such a degree.
I’m somewhat upset that kids growing up today can watch science fiction on television without any fear of retribution. Being a fan of Battlestar Galactica now implies that you like to watch a show with excellent writing and surprisingly attractive cylons as opposed to in my day where it meant that you wanted to watch Lorne Greene and the exact same special effect shot repeated three times an episode every episode. And let’s not forget the original Star Trek reruns featuring trips to the planet of fake rocks. There was absolutely no sci fi on regular television and outside of watching Dr. Who on PBS it was an unknown genre.
Quantum Leap fixed that problem by doing one thing very well: not being an obvious science fiction show. Despite the fact that the entire premise is based in science fiction (scientist is caught in his own time travel machine, leaping from body to body through time only helped by his friendly hologram) they made sure that it didn’t get in the way of the story telling. Which is the entire point of science fiction. We aren’t interested in the technical details behind the story; it is just a setting to tell us truths about ourselves.
Few shows did that as well as Quantum Leap. You never knew what you were going to get when you sat down to watch an episode. Sure there were a few constants. Sam would spend the first part of the episode confused. Al would make a leering comment at a female. Ziggy the super computer would wait until the final minute to reveal the solution to the problem. But the stories themselves would vary from decade to decade and could focus on social ills to family struggles to just pure comedy. The fact that fifteen years later I can still recall about a dozen episodes from memory (the evil leaper, the three part trilogy, the much argued about final episode) tells you something about the quality of the show.
I think what has stayed with me most about the show is just how incredible the writing and the acting was behind the show. When you are growing up you reach a point at which your television watching habits change. You grow up laughing at shows like Alf and Perfect Strangers and while you might watch a show like St. Elsewhere you don’t really get it. Those are shows your parents watch and they control the remote. But at some point you are watching television and realize that it can be more.
Because Quantum Leap showed that subtlety could be a wonderful thing. The sly references to history hidden throughout the episode: items that would only be caught if you were paying attention. The fact that as the show progressed Sam and Al’s relationship became even more nuanced until the point in which they became more real than fiction. It was the first show that made me think. Really, really think about what I just saw and what it meant to the world.
There is one other reason behind my love of the show. I had my first lucid dream (the ability to be awake in your own dream) after watching an episode. I always say that it wasn’t coincidental. Something about the show helped to flip the switch in my brain that now allows me to fly whenever I feel the need to. I wish all shows could open up your consciousness to such a degree.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Super Bowl Roundup
Some other notes from the Super Bowl and the sporting world over the weekend.
1) I sadly did was not on one of the cable systems that received free porn from Comcast during the fourth quarter of the game last night. As a Comcast subscriber I find it rather disappointing that this was not a universal feature of their Super Bowl coverage. Given that I typically do not receive the channels that I actually purchase and have to deal with an on screen channel guide that states that the show I am currently watching is called “To Be Announced” I feel that at the very least I deserve some free porn now and again.
2) I can’t agree with the Super Bowl being the best ever. It may have had the best second half of the fourth quarter in Super Bowl history but the entire game would not rank as one of the best ever. The first half was rather boring, way too many penalties, and let’s face it, Pittsburgh should have blown this one away. It was a hell of a game to watch but just not the best ever. (I mean, compare this to the Chargers – Dolphins playoff game that is universally referred to as the greatest game of all time. That was a game full of highlights and reversals of fortune.)
3) For those of you wishing to own your own Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl Champions t-shirt I recommend traveling to your favorite third world country over the next few weeks. I am not making this up. As you know immediately after the game the players are all given the commemorative t-shirt which makes you wonder what would happen if the other team won. Well, they print up two versions of all the merchandise and the losing teams gear is given to charity. So this means that in some remote village at the edge of civilization we have an entire culture that is convinced that the Buffalo Bills are the greatest franchise of all time.
4) I guess the only commercials of note that I did not comment on are the annual Godaddy.com ones. I’m sorry but every time I watch those all I can think about is how bad of an agent that Danica Patrick has. Here is a beautiful, articulate woman who happens to be a race car driver so the best promotional vehicle for her that they can come up with is by placing her in bad T and A ads that just remove everything that makes her an interesting personality. Also, I’m still not quite sure the connection between scantily clad women and internet domain registration is. Between scantily clad women and the internet, yes I get the relationship, but I doubt that most people who list their occupation as “dancer” can help you with your DNS settings.
5) In the other big sports news of the weekend Michael Phelps was caught smoking pot. My response: wait, didn’t the Olympics end months ago? I thought that I didn’t have to care about Michael Phelps any more. I think this will turn out to be more interesting for how much of a non-story this will become. A lot of people will view that as an indication that the country has turned a more lax eye to marijuana. I mean, this is an Olympic hero who was caught with a bong in hand and you would have to expect this to greatly tarnish his squeaky clean reputation. Except for the fact that for the most part the Olympics have completely vanished from peoples’ minds and no one cares about a guy who we paid attention to because he was better than everyone else at not drowning. We don’t care about Aquaman so why should we care about Michael Phelps?
1) I sadly did was not on one of the cable systems that received free porn from Comcast during the fourth quarter of the game last night. As a Comcast subscriber I find it rather disappointing that this was not a universal feature of their Super Bowl coverage. Given that I typically do not receive the channels that I actually purchase and have to deal with an on screen channel guide that states that the show I am currently watching is called “To Be Announced” I feel that at the very least I deserve some free porn now and again.
2) I can’t agree with the Super Bowl being the best ever. It may have had the best second half of the fourth quarter in Super Bowl history but the entire game would not rank as one of the best ever. The first half was rather boring, way too many penalties, and let’s face it, Pittsburgh should have blown this one away. It was a hell of a game to watch but just not the best ever. (I mean, compare this to the Chargers – Dolphins playoff game that is universally referred to as the greatest game of all time. That was a game full of highlights and reversals of fortune.)
3) For those of you wishing to own your own Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl Champions t-shirt I recommend traveling to your favorite third world country over the next few weeks. I am not making this up. As you know immediately after the game the players are all given the commemorative t-shirt which makes you wonder what would happen if the other team won. Well, they print up two versions of all the merchandise and the losing teams gear is given to charity. So this means that in some remote village at the edge of civilization we have an entire culture that is convinced that the Buffalo Bills are the greatest franchise of all time.
4) I guess the only commercials of note that I did not comment on are the annual Godaddy.com ones. I’m sorry but every time I watch those all I can think about is how bad of an agent that Danica Patrick has. Here is a beautiful, articulate woman who happens to be a race car driver so the best promotional vehicle for her that they can come up with is by placing her in bad T and A ads that just remove everything that makes her an interesting personality. Also, I’m still not quite sure the connection between scantily clad women and internet domain registration is. Between scantily clad women and the internet, yes I get the relationship, but I doubt that most people who list their occupation as “dancer” can help you with your DNS settings.
5) In the other big sports news of the weekend Michael Phelps was caught smoking pot. My response: wait, didn’t the Olympics end months ago? I thought that I didn’t have to care about Michael Phelps any more. I think this will turn out to be more interesting for how much of a non-story this will become. A lot of people will view that as an indication that the country has turned a more lax eye to marijuana. I mean, this is an Olympic hero who was caught with a bong in hand and you would have to expect this to greatly tarnish his squeaky clean reputation. Except for the fact that for the most part the Olympics have completely vanished from peoples’ minds and no one cares about a guy who we paid attention to because he was better than everyone else at not drowning. We don’t care about Aquaman so why should we care about Michael Phelps?
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Super Blog V
5:40 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current sports headquarters for Super Blog V! I am joined by…by…Roomberto the cleaning robot. Note to self: when adjusting the settings on household robots do not tweak the A.I. to the point where it becomes self-aware.
5:43 P.M.: Yes, it is the return of the live blog. I’ll be watching the game (alone but screw it, I had a great weekend already and nothing is going to change that) and giving my commentary on the game, the commercials and whatever else is on my mind.
5:45 P.M.: For those wondering my views and cheering interest on this game. I would really like to pull for the Cardinals due to a love for the underdog and the Chicago connection but the Steelers are a more local team, a strong franchise and I’ve, uh, been threatened by a number of Steelers fans regarding my loyalty. So go Pittsburgh but put up a good fight Arizona.
5:50 P.M.: To show how awesome my Super Bowl party is I am simultaneously doing laundry. Whee!
5:53 P.M.: For those of you not interested in watching the game I present the following alternatives. A) The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I’ll talk about this more as I can guarantee that I will be flipping to it at some point tonight. B) To Catch a Predator marathon on MSNBC. In case you want to watch guys explain to Chris Hansen why they brought wine coolers to a 13 year olds house.
5:55 P.M.: Matt Millen picks the Cardinals. Matt Freaking Millen is allowed to be an analyst? The guy who completely destroyed the Lions franchise to the point that they did not win a single game this season? The one that resulted in having fans leading protest marches in Detroit? Not only am I now certain that the Steelers will win the game but I am very confident that Kurt Warner will be the first quarterback to spontaneously combust during the game.
5:59 P.M.: The Pennsylvania Lottery uses a very disturbing groundhog puppet as its spokesman. I can never tell if the commercials are wanting me to buy scratch off tickets or inform me that this rodent will chew out my eyeballs if I’m not careful.
6:00 P.M.: Faith Hill! Music for people who enjoy Wonder Bread.
6:09 P.M.: Taking the field to vaguely techno music are your Pittsburgh Steelers! Because when I think of steel mills I immediately think of flashing strobe lights and pounding bass. The Arizona Cardinals come out to a death metal theme. Have to give the advantages to the Cardinals on that one. It looks like we have eschewed the player introductions, which is sad because it is the only time when we actually care about where the left guard went to college.
6:14 P.M.: Correction: Walter Payton is the greatest running back in NFL history. There are no qualifiers needed. Kurt Warner starts the evening by winning a trophy, the NFL Man of the Year, and we get the first shot of his wife Brenda who no longer looks like a living troll doll like she did during the Ram years.
6:16 P.M.: The U.S. Airways crew gets to go to the game. Actually, I have no snark at all for that honor.
6:20 P.M.: Curious as to where this orchestra is hiding during the national anthem. I mean, I wouldn’t want to suggest that all of this was prerecorded several months ago.
6:22 P.M.: Ok, as someone who watched G.I. Joe every day after school I do not recall the Baroness ever looking that hot. Any film that features Snake Eyes has earned my respect.
6:25 P.M.: Time for the coin toss. I have money on heads. I’m not kidding about this. I actually have a bet with someone at work on the coin toss. This may indicate some sort of problem on my end.
6:26 P.M.: Always great that we have the entire country focused on what exactly is heads and what is tails. General Petraeus with the honors and…it is heads! Boo yah! Shoe money tonight!
6:29 P.M.: Seriously, General Petraeus has nothing better to do than toss a coin in the air? You’d think he would have a few more items on his to do list. And did we just have a sideline reporter quote F. Scott Fitzgerald? Wow, don’t see that every day.
6:32 P.M.: My fellow Illini Neil Rackers with the kick and the game is underway. Rackers even gets the tackle.
6:33 P.M.: Big gain by Hines Ward on a really well designed bootleg. One of those plays where the defense goes “Aw Christ” halfway through it. Followed by a nice gain by Willie Parker.
6:38 P.M.: Roethlisberger bootlegs it into the end zone for a touchdown. Or does he? The challenge flag is out as we go to the first commercial. Wow, what office has beer at the meetings in this economy. Followed by another film featuring Tom Hanks and bad hair.
6:42 P.M.: Ooh, huge call as the touchdown is reversed and the Steelers are forced to bring out everyone’s favorite stoner kicker: Jeff Reed. And Jeff knocks it through to give the Steelers a 3-0 lead.
6:44 P.M.: Bob Dylan for Pepsi. Sigh. I just died a little inside. Though Doritos did give us snowglobe to the groin. That was nice.
6:48 P.M.: Notre Dame alum Mike Gandy gets the first penalty of the night. Thanks Mike, way to do the University proud.
6:52 P.M.: Another Jack Black movie? Really? Do we have to go?
6:53 P.M.: After a nothing drive by the Cardinals the Steelers start out with a big play. This game has “watching the Puppy Bowl in the third quarter” written all over it.
7:01 P.M.: End of the first quarter as it has been all Steelers though they only lead 3-0. Second and goal when we start the second quarter. And I really want to meet who is clamoring for a new Fast and the Furious movie. Other than Vin Diesel, who could probably use the work.
7:08 P.M.: Touchdown Steelers! That is two straight drives down the field for Pittsburgh. Oh, and Pepsi has made a Diet Pepsi for men, which is promoted by showing just how stupid men are. I’m trying to get my head around this whole “Diet drink isn’t manly” concept. Ok, I can understand why a guy might not want to be seen relaxing with a refreshing Tab but I never realized that my typical diet soda isn’t extreme enough.
7:13 P.M.: I am intrigued by the new Star Trek movie. I’m not sure if I am in sci-fi geek freak out mode yet but I am very curious as to how it will turn out. Still, I would prefer it if every add focused on Simon Pegg as Scotty.
7:18 P.M.: Cardinals actually responding with a drive. Otherwise this could turn into a very boring game very quickly, especially given that it appears impossible for the Cardinals to run the ball. And just as I type it Arizona gets a holding penalty.
7:20 P.M.: Warner gets a ton of time and hits Anquan Boldin who gets down to the two. How the hell do you let him get so open. And then a stumbling and bumbling Warner tosses a prayer to the tight end for a touchdown. Rackers with the extra point and it is now 10-7 Steelers. We have a game of it.
7:23 P.M.: I actually liked that Cars.com commercial. Low-key, interesting and memorable. I’m not sure if subtlety is your best bet during the Super Bowl but I appreciate it. Plus, no reason to apply to Princeton unless it is for dean.
7:28 P.M.: Arizona’s defensive coordinator is named Clancy. That must make it really difficult to earn the player’s respect. “Ok everyone. Let’s all be quiet so Clancy can speak.”
7:31 P.M.: After an Arizona defensive stand Steve Breaston, a former Wolverine, breaks out a huge return. Like everyone else who grew up in the mid 80’s I can only respond, “Wolverines!”
7:41 P.M.: Arizona went nowhere but then tipped a Roethlisberger pass and get the first turnover of the day as we hit the two minute warning. And I have now been warned to not send flowers in a box or declare my desire to see a coworker naked. Good advice, now that you think about it.
7:52 P.M.: And in what will go down as the biggest play of the game: Arizona had the ball with goal to go on the two with 18 seconds left and Warner throws a pick and James Harrison runs it back 100 yards for a touchdown as time expires. So we went from possibly 14-10 Cardinals to 17-7 Steelers except now the play is being reviewed. It stands so that is just a momentum killer for the Cardinals going into the half. Now they have to sit in a room and think about this while Bruce Springsteen has a concert.
7:58 P.M.: Monsters vs. Aliens will probably be my second favorite versus movie after the classic: Kramer vs. Predator.
8:19 P.M.: As is tradition, I call my parents at halftime so I can avoid watching the halftime show. However, I did have it on mute so I did at least get to see Bruce go sliding into the cameraman. That was worth it.
8:37 P.M.: I’m confused. So an advertisement that features people driving on the moon (to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” no less0 has a notification on it stating “Professional driver on a closed course.” Does this mean that they actually flew to the moon to film this commercial? Or am I being warned to not build my own rocket and lunar excursion vehicle, fly to the moon and then drive recklessly?
8:39 P.M.: Arizona has the ball for the first drive but it just kind of goes nowhere and they punt it away. They needed to have something happen on that drive because if Pittsburgh puts together a big drive here the game is over.
8:43 P.M.: The Rock continues his solid acting career in Race to Witch Mountain. Again, there is a lot less snark in that comment than you would expect. He is really the only person I have ever seen transition from a wrestling career to a successful acting career. Hell, he is one of a handful of people who has been able to leave wrestling on his own terms and never have to look back.
8:48 P.M.: I have to mention that a few years ago that the Cardinals changed their helmets in order to give the Cardinal a bit more of a nasty smirk to it. It’s tough to try to portray a tough football attitude when your mascot is a small, rather adorable, bird. For reference my high school’s nickname was the Roadrunners. Again, it is tough to promote that macho image when your mascot is best known for running away from danger.
8:53 P.M.: Jeff Reed, who you know owns a van with a picture of the universe spray painted over it, hits the field goal to make it 20-7. But wait! Arizona roughed the holder and pretty much gave him the business thus making it first and goal for the Steelers. Add to the list of dumb penalties by the Cardinals tonight.
8:57 P.M.: Second verse, same as the first. Reed kicks a field goal to make it 20-7.
8:59 P.M.: You know, after that last commercial I begin to realize why Career Builder was slightly less than effective in my job search. Though using their site did make me want to punch a koala.
9:02 P.M.: Here is my favorite story from the entire playoffs. Kurt Warner was asked by a fan to draw a picture of God. What Kurt drew was what appeared to be a combination of Jesus and the character Duke from G.I. Joe. I don’t know the meaning of that fact but I just find it cool.
9:05 P.M.: We are through three quarters with the score Steelers 20 Cardinals 7. Not the greatest game of all time but it certainly has been interesting.
9:09 P.M.: Gandy again with the hold. Jeez, Notre Dame is even having a bad season in the Super Bowl.
9:20 P.M.: Despite the fact that cash4gold is apparently pretty much a scam I have to admit that having MC Hammer selling a gold medallion of MC Hammer wearing a gold medallion is a rather brilliant idea.
9:24 P.M.: While I thought the commercial with the electric scarecrow was good I have an issue with this whole “smart grid” concept. Understand that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life studying, designing and operating electrical grids. I still don’t quite understand what they mean by a smart grid. Everything follows the laws of physics. Not much intelligence to it.
9:26 P.M.: Larry Fitzgerald, who should be your favorite football player, catches a touchdown pass to make it 20-14 Steelers. Boy, that last second interception return is huge right now. Still, we have a game of it in the fourth quarter, which is more than most people expected.
9:32 P.M.: Good defensive stand by the Cardinals and Warner will have the ball, down six, with five and a half minutes to go. This is what they call crunch time.
9:35 P.M.: We have a Richard Dean Anderson sighting! What else could make this night better?
9:40 P.M.: Cardinals drive gets going but Gandy gets another hold call resulting in an Arizona punt. Steelers then get a roughing call but now the Steelers start on their own one. Three and a half left in the game.
9:44 P.M.: Steelers seem to make a miraculous escape from the end zone we get a holding call in the end zone resulting in a safety. 20-16 Steelers with a free kick coming up with just under three minutes to play. This one is going down to the end.
9:48 P.M.: Oh my freaking God! Fitzgerald just got wide open in the middle of the field and just outran everyone on the field. He could have gone for three hundred yards on that play. And for the first time all night the Cardinals lead the game 23 -20. You’ve read that correct folks: with just over two minutes to go in the Super Bowl that Arizona Cardinals are in the lead. Maybe it is prophetic that Cuba Gooding Jr. is in attendance.
9:57 P.M.: And with under a minute to play Santonio Holmes breaks open and brings it within the ten. This is getting rather insane.
10:01 P.M.: In just an amazing catch, Santonio Holmes does a tiptoe catch in the endzone for a touchdown. Watching it live I thought that there was no way he stayed in bounds but on replay it certainly looks like he did. Just freaking incredible. Now 27-23 Steelers and the Cardinals have thirty seconds and two timeouts to pull out the third miracle drive in a row.
10:09 P.M.: Is the game over? Did Warner fumble the ball? It’s time to go to the replay booth. If not there is one play left. Yes, it is a fumble! Steelers win the Super Bowl 27 – 23. That game was a thousand times better than it had any right being.
Thanks for joining me, congrats to all the Steeler fans and I’ll be back to normal operations tomorrow.
Best of 120 Minutes: One of the best lines anyone said to me “All I could do is leave you in Misouri”. Makes this Soul Asylum song take on a totally different meaning.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Drive-By Truckers “Brighter Than Creation’s Dark”
2) Rhett Miller “The Instigator”
3) Lyle Lovett and his Large Band “It’s Not Big, It’s Large”
4) Po’ Girl “Vagabond Lullabyes”
5) Sarah McLachlan “Rarities, B-Sides and Other Stuff”
5:43 P.M.: Yes, it is the return of the live blog. I’ll be watching the game (alone but screw it, I had a great weekend already and nothing is going to change that) and giving my commentary on the game, the commercials and whatever else is on my mind.
5:45 P.M.: For those wondering my views and cheering interest on this game. I would really like to pull for the Cardinals due to a love for the underdog and the Chicago connection but the Steelers are a more local team, a strong franchise and I’ve, uh, been threatened by a number of Steelers fans regarding my loyalty. So go Pittsburgh but put up a good fight Arizona.
5:50 P.M.: To show how awesome my Super Bowl party is I am simultaneously doing laundry. Whee!
5:53 P.M.: For those of you not interested in watching the game I present the following alternatives. A) The Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. I’ll talk about this more as I can guarantee that I will be flipping to it at some point tonight. B) To Catch a Predator marathon on MSNBC. In case you want to watch guys explain to Chris Hansen why they brought wine coolers to a 13 year olds house.
5:55 P.M.: Matt Millen picks the Cardinals. Matt Freaking Millen is allowed to be an analyst? The guy who completely destroyed the Lions franchise to the point that they did not win a single game this season? The one that resulted in having fans leading protest marches in Detroit? Not only am I now certain that the Steelers will win the game but I am very confident that Kurt Warner will be the first quarterback to spontaneously combust during the game.
5:59 P.M.: The Pennsylvania Lottery uses a very disturbing groundhog puppet as its spokesman. I can never tell if the commercials are wanting me to buy scratch off tickets or inform me that this rodent will chew out my eyeballs if I’m not careful.
6:00 P.M.: Faith Hill! Music for people who enjoy Wonder Bread.
6:09 P.M.: Taking the field to vaguely techno music are your Pittsburgh Steelers! Because when I think of steel mills I immediately think of flashing strobe lights and pounding bass. The Arizona Cardinals come out to a death metal theme. Have to give the advantages to the Cardinals on that one. It looks like we have eschewed the player introductions, which is sad because it is the only time when we actually care about where the left guard went to college.
6:14 P.M.: Correction: Walter Payton is the greatest running back in NFL history. There are no qualifiers needed. Kurt Warner starts the evening by winning a trophy, the NFL Man of the Year, and we get the first shot of his wife Brenda who no longer looks like a living troll doll like she did during the Ram years.
6:16 P.M.: The U.S. Airways crew gets to go to the game. Actually, I have no snark at all for that honor.
6:20 P.M.: Curious as to where this orchestra is hiding during the national anthem. I mean, I wouldn’t want to suggest that all of this was prerecorded several months ago.
6:22 P.M.: Ok, as someone who watched G.I. Joe every day after school I do not recall the Baroness ever looking that hot. Any film that features Snake Eyes has earned my respect.
6:25 P.M.: Time for the coin toss. I have money on heads. I’m not kidding about this. I actually have a bet with someone at work on the coin toss. This may indicate some sort of problem on my end.
6:26 P.M.: Always great that we have the entire country focused on what exactly is heads and what is tails. General Petraeus with the honors and…it is heads! Boo yah! Shoe money tonight!
6:29 P.M.: Seriously, General Petraeus has nothing better to do than toss a coin in the air? You’d think he would have a few more items on his to do list. And did we just have a sideline reporter quote F. Scott Fitzgerald? Wow, don’t see that every day.
6:32 P.M.: My fellow Illini Neil Rackers with the kick and the game is underway. Rackers even gets the tackle.
6:33 P.M.: Big gain by Hines Ward on a really well designed bootleg. One of those plays where the defense goes “Aw Christ” halfway through it. Followed by a nice gain by Willie Parker.
6:38 P.M.: Roethlisberger bootlegs it into the end zone for a touchdown. Or does he? The challenge flag is out as we go to the first commercial. Wow, what office has beer at the meetings in this economy. Followed by another film featuring Tom Hanks and bad hair.
6:42 P.M.: Ooh, huge call as the touchdown is reversed and the Steelers are forced to bring out everyone’s favorite stoner kicker: Jeff Reed. And Jeff knocks it through to give the Steelers a 3-0 lead.
6:44 P.M.: Bob Dylan for Pepsi. Sigh. I just died a little inside. Though Doritos did give us snowglobe to the groin. That was nice.
6:48 P.M.: Notre Dame alum Mike Gandy gets the first penalty of the night. Thanks Mike, way to do the University proud.
6:52 P.M.: Another Jack Black movie? Really? Do we have to go?
6:53 P.M.: After a nothing drive by the Cardinals the Steelers start out with a big play. This game has “watching the Puppy Bowl in the third quarter” written all over it.
7:01 P.M.: End of the first quarter as it has been all Steelers though they only lead 3-0. Second and goal when we start the second quarter. And I really want to meet who is clamoring for a new Fast and the Furious movie. Other than Vin Diesel, who could probably use the work.
7:08 P.M.: Touchdown Steelers! That is two straight drives down the field for Pittsburgh. Oh, and Pepsi has made a Diet Pepsi for men, which is promoted by showing just how stupid men are. I’m trying to get my head around this whole “Diet drink isn’t manly” concept. Ok, I can understand why a guy might not want to be seen relaxing with a refreshing Tab but I never realized that my typical diet soda isn’t extreme enough.
7:13 P.M.: I am intrigued by the new Star Trek movie. I’m not sure if I am in sci-fi geek freak out mode yet but I am very curious as to how it will turn out. Still, I would prefer it if every add focused on Simon Pegg as Scotty.
7:18 P.M.: Cardinals actually responding with a drive. Otherwise this could turn into a very boring game very quickly, especially given that it appears impossible for the Cardinals to run the ball. And just as I type it Arizona gets a holding penalty.
7:20 P.M.: Warner gets a ton of time and hits Anquan Boldin who gets down to the two. How the hell do you let him get so open. And then a stumbling and bumbling Warner tosses a prayer to the tight end for a touchdown. Rackers with the extra point and it is now 10-7 Steelers. We have a game of it.
7:23 P.M.: I actually liked that Cars.com commercial. Low-key, interesting and memorable. I’m not sure if subtlety is your best bet during the Super Bowl but I appreciate it. Plus, no reason to apply to Princeton unless it is for dean.
7:28 P.M.: Arizona’s defensive coordinator is named Clancy. That must make it really difficult to earn the player’s respect. “Ok everyone. Let’s all be quiet so Clancy can speak.”
7:31 P.M.: After an Arizona defensive stand Steve Breaston, a former Wolverine, breaks out a huge return. Like everyone else who grew up in the mid 80’s I can only respond, “Wolverines!”
7:41 P.M.: Arizona went nowhere but then tipped a Roethlisberger pass and get the first turnover of the day as we hit the two minute warning. And I have now been warned to not send flowers in a box or declare my desire to see a coworker naked. Good advice, now that you think about it.
7:52 P.M.: And in what will go down as the biggest play of the game: Arizona had the ball with goal to go on the two with 18 seconds left and Warner throws a pick and James Harrison runs it back 100 yards for a touchdown as time expires. So we went from possibly 14-10 Cardinals to 17-7 Steelers except now the play is being reviewed. It stands so that is just a momentum killer for the Cardinals going into the half. Now they have to sit in a room and think about this while Bruce Springsteen has a concert.
7:58 P.M.: Monsters vs. Aliens will probably be my second favorite versus movie after the classic: Kramer vs. Predator.
8:19 P.M.: As is tradition, I call my parents at halftime so I can avoid watching the halftime show. However, I did have it on mute so I did at least get to see Bruce go sliding into the cameraman. That was worth it.
8:37 P.M.: I’m confused. So an advertisement that features people driving on the moon (to House of Pain’s “Jump Around” no less0 has a notification on it stating “Professional driver on a closed course.” Does this mean that they actually flew to the moon to film this commercial? Or am I being warned to not build my own rocket and lunar excursion vehicle, fly to the moon and then drive recklessly?
8:39 P.M.: Arizona has the ball for the first drive but it just kind of goes nowhere and they punt it away. They needed to have something happen on that drive because if Pittsburgh puts together a big drive here the game is over.
8:43 P.M.: The Rock continues his solid acting career in Race to Witch Mountain. Again, there is a lot less snark in that comment than you would expect. He is really the only person I have ever seen transition from a wrestling career to a successful acting career. Hell, he is one of a handful of people who has been able to leave wrestling on his own terms and never have to look back.
8:48 P.M.: I have to mention that a few years ago that the Cardinals changed their helmets in order to give the Cardinal a bit more of a nasty smirk to it. It’s tough to try to portray a tough football attitude when your mascot is a small, rather adorable, bird. For reference my high school’s nickname was the Roadrunners. Again, it is tough to promote that macho image when your mascot is best known for running away from danger.
8:53 P.M.: Jeff Reed, who you know owns a van with a picture of the universe spray painted over it, hits the field goal to make it 20-7. But wait! Arizona roughed the holder and pretty much gave him the business thus making it first and goal for the Steelers. Add to the list of dumb penalties by the Cardinals tonight.
8:57 P.M.: Second verse, same as the first. Reed kicks a field goal to make it 20-7.
8:59 P.M.: You know, after that last commercial I begin to realize why Career Builder was slightly less than effective in my job search. Though using their site did make me want to punch a koala.
9:02 P.M.: Here is my favorite story from the entire playoffs. Kurt Warner was asked by a fan to draw a picture of God. What Kurt drew was what appeared to be a combination of Jesus and the character Duke from G.I. Joe. I don’t know the meaning of that fact but I just find it cool.
9:05 P.M.: We are through three quarters with the score Steelers 20 Cardinals 7. Not the greatest game of all time but it certainly has been interesting.
9:09 P.M.: Gandy again with the hold. Jeez, Notre Dame is even having a bad season in the Super Bowl.
9:20 P.M.: Despite the fact that cash4gold is apparently pretty much a scam I have to admit that having MC Hammer selling a gold medallion of MC Hammer wearing a gold medallion is a rather brilliant idea.
9:24 P.M.: While I thought the commercial with the electric scarecrow was good I have an issue with this whole “smart grid” concept. Understand that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life studying, designing and operating electrical grids. I still don’t quite understand what they mean by a smart grid. Everything follows the laws of physics. Not much intelligence to it.
9:26 P.M.: Larry Fitzgerald, who should be your favorite football player, catches a touchdown pass to make it 20-14 Steelers. Boy, that last second interception return is huge right now. Still, we have a game of it in the fourth quarter, which is more than most people expected.
9:32 P.M.: Good defensive stand by the Cardinals and Warner will have the ball, down six, with five and a half minutes to go. This is what they call crunch time.
9:35 P.M.: We have a Richard Dean Anderson sighting! What else could make this night better?
9:40 P.M.: Cardinals drive gets going but Gandy gets another hold call resulting in an Arizona punt. Steelers then get a roughing call but now the Steelers start on their own one. Three and a half left in the game.
9:44 P.M.: Steelers seem to make a miraculous escape from the end zone we get a holding call in the end zone resulting in a safety. 20-16 Steelers with a free kick coming up with just under three minutes to play. This one is going down to the end.
9:48 P.M.: Oh my freaking God! Fitzgerald just got wide open in the middle of the field and just outran everyone on the field. He could have gone for three hundred yards on that play. And for the first time all night the Cardinals lead the game 23 -20. You’ve read that correct folks: with just over two minutes to go in the Super Bowl that Arizona Cardinals are in the lead. Maybe it is prophetic that Cuba Gooding Jr. is in attendance.
9:57 P.M.: And with under a minute to play Santonio Holmes breaks open and brings it within the ten. This is getting rather insane.
10:01 P.M.: In just an amazing catch, Santonio Holmes does a tiptoe catch in the endzone for a touchdown. Watching it live I thought that there was no way he stayed in bounds but on replay it certainly looks like he did. Just freaking incredible. Now 27-23 Steelers and the Cardinals have thirty seconds and two timeouts to pull out the third miracle drive in a row.
10:09 P.M.: Is the game over? Did Warner fumble the ball? It’s time to go to the replay booth. If not there is one play left. Yes, it is a fumble! Steelers win the Super Bowl 27 – 23. That game was a thousand times better than it had any right being.
Thanks for joining me, congrats to all the Steeler fans and I’ll be back to normal operations tomorrow.
Best of 120 Minutes: One of the best lines anyone said to me “All I could do is leave you in Misouri”. Makes this Soul Asylum song take on a totally different meaning.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Drive-By Truckers “Brighter Than Creation’s Dark”
2) Rhett Miller “The Instigator”
3) Lyle Lovett and his Large Band “It’s Not Big, It’s Large”
4) Po’ Girl “Vagabond Lullabyes”
5) Sarah McLachlan “Rarities, B-Sides and Other Stuff”
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Well, it is technically KFC
Just my luck, as soon as I post my analysis of Mickey Rourke’s appearance at Wrestlemania he decides to chicken out. So I feel that there is only one recourse in this situation. I, the legendary Cajun Assassin, will come out of retirement to challenge Mickey Rourke any place, any time, any style of match. If he wants a scientific wrestling match I’ll take him down with my patented Cajun Crab. If he wants to make it extreme I’ll take him on in an electrified barbed wire deathmatch. No matter what he decides I’ll make sure he feels the pain that he has inflicted on the wrestling fanbase.
(Some people might laugh at that paragraph. Others will recall that I have a wrestling mask in my office and wonder if I might not be kidding around.)
Ok, it’s late and I’m tired and I am just going to list a few strange things about this part of the country that I have noticed over the past few months. Just a sample of the apparent Bizarro World that I find myself in.
· Within a half mile of my apartment is a “Kennedy Fried Chicken” and a “New York Fried Chicken”. I never thought that any restaurant would scare me more than a KenTacoHut. I was wrong.
· There is an establishment near where I live called “The Bar”. In a way, that seems to be the exact type of place I would find myself drinking. If you are too lazy to name the place I’ll probably fit right in.
· No one in this town knows how to drive. Seriously, I thought the drivers in Kansas were the worst but I was mistaken. Sure, you would occasionally find yourself stuck behind the Joad family on K-10 but they would at least drive. Today I was stuck on a two lane road behind a driver who apparently accelerated and braked at the same time. I’ve never seen a car leave a stop light and not have the brake lights go off before. Drove me insane.
· Apparently an inch of snow is a winter weather emergency that results in school being cancelled. This wouldn’t even be an emergency in Kansas (where they once dismissed everyone from work and I didn’t even notice that it was snowing). But any thought of snow turns this area into a 70’s disaster flick.
· Way too many DJs at the bars. I have no problem with dance clubs as some people enjoy them. I however would rather listen to people play their own music instead of just borrowing someone else’s. The problem is I just have been unable to find a good bar with cool bartenders, an interesting clientele, and a properly stocked jukebox. It shouldn’t be that difficult.
Coming on Sunday: The Return of the Super Blog. Yes, the live blog returns in its traditional form. Who will win the big game? Will Bud Light cover the spread in the Bud Bowl? Will the fifty bucks I put on heads pay off this year. Join me and find out.
(Some people might laugh at that paragraph. Others will recall that I have a wrestling mask in my office and wonder if I might not be kidding around.)
Ok, it’s late and I’m tired and I am just going to list a few strange things about this part of the country that I have noticed over the past few months. Just a sample of the apparent Bizarro World that I find myself in.
· Within a half mile of my apartment is a “Kennedy Fried Chicken” and a “New York Fried Chicken”. I never thought that any restaurant would scare me more than a KenTacoHut. I was wrong.
· There is an establishment near where I live called “The Bar”. In a way, that seems to be the exact type of place I would find myself drinking. If you are too lazy to name the place I’ll probably fit right in.
· No one in this town knows how to drive. Seriously, I thought the drivers in Kansas were the worst but I was mistaken. Sure, you would occasionally find yourself stuck behind the Joad family on K-10 but they would at least drive. Today I was stuck on a two lane road behind a driver who apparently accelerated and braked at the same time. I’ve never seen a car leave a stop light and not have the brake lights go off before. Drove me insane.
· Apparently an inch of snow is a winter weather emergency that results in school being cancelled. This wouldn’t even be an emergency in Kansas (where they once dismissed everyone from work and I didn’t even notice that it was snowing). But any thought of snow turns this area into a 70’s disaster flick.
· Way too many DJs at the bars. I have no problem with dance clubs as some people enjoy them. I however would rather listen to people play their own music instead of just borrowing someone else’s. The problem is I just have been unable to find a good bar with cool bartenders, an interesting clientele, and a properly stocked jukebox. It shouldn’t be that difficult.
Coming on Sunday: The Return of the Super Blog. Yes, the live blog returns in its traditional form. Who will win the big game? Will Bud Light cover the spread in the Bud Bowl? Will the fifty bucks I put on heads pay off this year. Join me and find out.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
From the edge of the pop culture universe
Time for a trip through the pop culture universe…
Mickey Rourke to appear at Wrestlemania 25: From everything I have heard from my sources it is official that Mickey Rourke will face Chris Jericho (formerly known as “Lionheart” Chris Jericho and “Y2J” Chris Jericho, real name Chris Irvine, and no I did not have to look any of that information up) at Wrestlemania 25. This will mark the second appearance of an Oscar nominated performer at Wrestlemania (the other of course being Dame Judi Dench’s appearance in a Barbed Wire Deathmatch at Wrestlemania 19).
There are a lot of things that strike me about this and none of them are good. First off, for Mickey Rourke this will essentially derail any comeback hopes that he imagines. As much as I love wrestling this is a real step down and you just can’t figure out how it makes sense. It also shows just how twisted the wrestling business is. Vince McMahon hated the movie when it came out because it showed in vivid detail the dark side of the business and how it takes performers, turns them into stars and leaves them as poor shells of their former self. He didn’t want anything to do with it. Now that it can make him some money and a few additional pay per view buys he will welcome it with open arms.
My biggest issue though is I don’t know how the match will work. Not the physical nature of the match; I think the two of them could put together a decent match. Rourke trained as a wrestler for the role, looked realistic in the ring, and Jericho works a style that should translate to an entertaining match. The problem is that Jericho is a bad guy right now but I expect the crowd (filled with hard core fans) to cheer him over the movie star encroaching on their turf. The celebrity is supposed to be the hero in these situations and I expect Rourke to be booed like mad (unless of course he has Marisa Tomei in character as a stripper as his valet. Then he’ll be the babyface.)
Children with unpopular names more likely to be delinquents: I saw this article on Yahoo today and I have to state that this is the most poorly worded scientific study that I have ever seen. Mainly in that they have confused “unpopular” with “unique”. Essentially what they did is they looked at the rates of occurrence of certain names in the population and correlated that with juvenile delinquency rates. What they found was that those names out on the Long Tail had higher delinquency rates than those in the front end.
Now I’ll assume that they did the math correctly and accounted for the fact that of course the bigger samples will look more like the average just due to their size. What really bothers me is that they called them unpopular names and tried to justify their results based on the fact that “the children may not like their names” or that “they may be picked on”. This seems ludicrous especially given that one of the names chosen as an unpopular example was Alec. There was no work done to connect the name with popular conceptions so unpopular is the wrong term since it implies a social stigma. In reality, what this shows is what was discussed in Freakonomics: that people of lower income levels tend to give their children uncommon names and that people of lower income levels tend to have higher delinquency rates.
See, I told you I should have been a sociologist.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Sigh. I could spend all day listening to Beth Orton. And then to see her in a cowboy hat just makes my heart go all aflutter.
Mickey Rourke to appear at Wrestlemania 25: From everything I have heard from my sources it is official that Mickey Rourke will face Chris Jericho (formerly known as “Lionheart” Chris Jericho and “Y2J” Chris Jericho, real name Chris Irvine, and no I did not have to look any of that information up) at Wrestlemania 25. This will mark the second appearance of an Oscar nominated performer at Wrestlemania (the other of course being Dame Judi Dench’s appearance in a Barbed Wire Deathmatch at Wrestlemania 19).
There are a lot of things that strike me about this and none of them are good. First off, for Mickey Rourke this will essentially derail any comeback hopes that he imagines. As much as I love wrestling this is a real step down and you just can’t figure out how it makes sense. It also shows just how twisted the wrestling business is. Vince McMahon hated the movie when it came out because it showed in vivid detail the dark side of the business and how it takes performers, turns them into stars and leaves them as poor shells of their former self. He didn’t want anything to do with it. Now that it can make him some money and a few additional pay per view buys he will welcome it with open arms.
My biggest issue though is I don’t know how the match will work. Not the physical nature of the match; I think the two of them could put together a decent match. Rourke trained as a wrestler for the role, looked realistic in the ring, and Jericho works a style that should translate to an entertaining match. The problem is that Jericho is a bad guy right now but I expect the crowd (filled with hard core fans) to cheer him over the movie star encroaching on their turf. The celebrity is supposed to be the hero in these situations and I expect Rourke to be booed like mad (unless of course he has Marisa Tomei in character as a stripper as his valet. Then he’ll be the babyface.)
Children with unpopular names more likely to be delinquents: I saw this article on Yahoo today and I have to state that this is the most poorly worded scientific study that I have ever seen. Mainly in that they have confused “unpopular” with “unique”. Essentially what they did is they looked at the rates of occurrence of certain names in the population and correlated that with juvenile delinquency rates. What they found was that those names out on the Long Tail had higher delinquency rates than those in the front end.
Now I’ll assume that they did the math correctly and accounted for the fact that of course the bigger samples will look more like the average just due to their size. What really bothers me is that they called them unpopular names and tried to justify their results based on the fact that “the children may not like their names” or that “they may be picked on”. This seems ludicrous especially given that one of the names chosen as an unpopular example was Alec. There was no work done to connect the name with popular conceptions so unpopular is the wrong term since it implies a social stigma. In reality, what this shows is what was discussed in Freakonomics: that people of lower income levels tend to give their children uncommon names and that people of lower income levels tend to have higher delinquency rates.
See, I told you I should have been a sociologist.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Sigh. I could spend all day listening to Beth Orton. And then to see her in a cowboy hat just makes my heart go all aflutter.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
25 Random Things
I’ve seen several people post to their Facebook page a “25 Random Things” note and I have been tagged in a few of them. What this means is that I am supposed to write 25 things about myself, my view on the world and other facts that most people don’t know about me and then tag 25 people so they can do the same. Well, I am writing the list but tagging it makes it seem like some strange chain letter scam. Plus I’m cross-posting this to my blog and it’s not like I ask random people to respond to any of my blog posts.
So here it goes. 25 Short Facts About Me.
1) I liken myself to an iceberg; you only see ten percent of me at any one time and ships have an unnerving tendency to ram into me.
2) Everything I write is 75 percent true. My novel, the blog, this list, it all contains a mix of truth and embellishments. It’s up to you to figure out which is which.
3) I wish I had enough faith in my writing to make one all out effort to see if I could make a living out of it. But the thought of doing my best at something I love and being told that it is not good enough scares me to death. The dream of success is preferable to the reality of failure.
4) My answer to the last question in the quiz given on “Inside the Actor’s Studio” is “Did I do a good job?”
5) I never intended to be 35 and single. I really thought that I would be a dad by now. This all just kind of happened.
6) I still can’t believe that I turned down the opportunity to study history under Stephen Ambrose at the University of New Orleans. When I finish my time machine my first order of business is to go back in time and kick my own ass.
7) I never intended on going to Notre Dame. I visited the school when I was 16 and I hated the place. I sent my scores there on a lark and I think I talked to Brian at a recruiting event in Chicago. I didn’t even intend to apply. I was going to get my MBA at night at the University of Chicago. But then I was invited to spend a few days on campus and fell in love with the place. Completely changed my life.
8) In retrospect, if I could choose any career it would probably be a combination sociologist / statistician. I’d love to have a job where I could explain how culture works.
9) The reason I became an electrical engineer is because it was universally considered the toughest major at Illinois and I wanted the challenge. The reason I specialized in power is because the lab stations in the Power Lab had big red buttons on them labeled “Emergency” that you got to press if you were concerned that your circuit was about to explode. I don’t think I ever considered myself more than a fair electrical engineer but I do have a natural knack at understanding how electrical grids work.
10) I am immensely proud of my blog. I’ve recently uploaded my 1,100th post (or roughly 700,000 words) and it has readers on every continent. For something that started as a silly idea that I assumed no one would read it has taken on a bit of a life of its own. It is certainly my biggest undertaking.
11) I take an amazing amount of joy out of being an uncle. My nieces and nephews constantly astound me.
12) I wish I had found a role at Sprint where I could have shown off all of my skills. I always seemed to be caught in the right place at the wrong time until I saw that my best move was to step away and take on a different challenge.
13) I miss Kansas City more than I ever expected. I left behind a lot of great friends in that town. Plus, it is just impossible to get a Boulevard Wheat out here.
14) Every day I begin to understand more and more what Woody Guthrie meant when he wrote “One by one my hair is turning gray, one by one my dreams are fading fast away.”
15) I have had two moments in my life that could have been taken directly from a movie script. One involves a rather circuitous stream of events that resulted in my being named to prom court and the other featured a heated argument in an apartment parking lot at three in the morning during a blinding thunderstorm.
16) I wish Riberdy was around so that I could thank him for all that he did for me. I wish I could tell Donna just how much she meant to me. And I really wish I could sit down with both of them one last time, have a great laugh and get that one last piece of advice.
17) There isn’t a realization that makes you feel any lonelier in this world than sitting on the edge of your bed on a Sunday night and coming to grips with the fact that the only person you talked to all weekend was a cashier.
18) I wish I could tell you why I remember that ALF’s real name is Gordon Schumway or that Tootie’s first name is actually Dorothy. I really don’t know why those facts are stuck in my brain. They just are.
19) The following moment is the psychic equivalent of being kneed in the groin. Be at a bar, talking to a woman that you are totally mad about, have her discuss how horrible her boyfriend is and call you “the perfect guy”. Because at the end of the night she’ll leave with him and you’ll leave alone. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been a part of that conversation.
20) I am slightly more stylish than I was before. This isn’t much of an accomplishment given that I have t-shirts that date back to high school. If I could go on one of those style makeover shows I really would.
21) At this moment I am working on my next five year plan. Since I was twenty I created five year plans to guide me through life. Whether they have worked or not I’m not sure but I really don’t feel like stopping now.
22) For the record, I pilot the Green Lion in Voltron. Super Dave pilots the Black Lion.
23) I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just sit down and listen to a Josh Rouse record every week.
24) My personal motto is from Michael Faraday (the founder of electrical engineering) “All of this is but a dream. Still, let us examine it with a few experiments.”
25) I don’t think I’ve accomplished a quarter of what I am capable of. Just wait until I start getting some confidence; then you’ll start to see the results.
So here it goes. 25 Short Facts About Me.
1) I liken myself to an iceberg; you only see ten percent of me at any one time and ships have an unnerving tendency to ram into me.
2) Everything I write is 75 percent true. My novel, the blog, this list, it all contains a mix of truth and embellishments. It’s up to you to figure out which is which.
3) I wish I had enough faith in my writing to make one all out effort to see if I could make a living out of it. But the thought of doing my best at something I love and being told that it is not good enough scares me to death. The dream of success is preferable to the reality of failure.
4) My answer to the last question in the quiz given on “Inside the Actor’s Studio” is “Did I do a good job?”
5) I never intended to be 35 and single. I really thought that I would be a dad by now. This all just kind of happened.
6) I still can’t believe that I turned down the opportunity to study history under Stephen Ambrose at the University of New Orleans. When I finish my time machine my first order of business is to go back in time and kick my own ass.
7) I never intended on going to Notre Dame. I visited the school when I was 16 and I hated the place. I sent my scores there on a lark and I think I talked to Brian at a recruiting event in Chicago. I didn’t even intend to apply. I was going to get my MBA at night at the University of Chicago. But then I was invited to spend a few days on campus and fell in love with the place. Completely changed my life.
8) In retrospect, if I could choose any career it would probably be a combination sociologist / statistician. I’d love to have a job where I could explain how culture works.
9) The reason I became an electrical engineer is because it was universally considered the toughest major at Illinois and I wanted the challenge. The reason I specialized in power is because the lab stations in the Power Lab had big red buttons on them labeled “Emergency” that you got to press if you were concerned that your circuit was about to explode. I don’t think I ever considered myself more than a fair electrical engineer but I do have a natural knack at understanding how electrical grids work.
10) I am immensely proud of my blog. I’ve recently uploaded my 1,100th post (or roughly 700,000 words) and it has readers on every continent. For something that started as a silly idea that I assumed no one would read it has taken on a bit of a life of its own. It is certainly my biggest undertaking.
11) I take an amazing amount of joy out of being an uncle. My nieces and nephews constantly astound me.
12) I wish I had found a role at Sprint where I could have shown off all of my skills. I always seemed to be caught in the right place at the wrong time until I saw that my best move was to step away and take on a different challenge.
13) I miss Kansas City more than I ever expected. I left behind a lot of great friends in that town. Plus, it is just impossible to get a Boulevard Wheat out here.
14) Every day I begin to understand more and more what Woody Guthrie meant when he wrote “One by one my hair is turning gray, one by one my dreams are fading fast away.”
15) I have had two moments in my life that could have been taken directly from a movie script. One involves a rather circuitous stream of events that resulted in my being named to prom court and the other featured a heated argument in an apartment parking lot at three in the morning during a blinding thunderstorm.
16) I wish Riberdy was around so that I could thank him for all that he did for me. I wish I could tell Donna just how much she meant to me. And I really wish I could sit down with both of them one last time, have a great laugh and get that one last piece of advice.
17) There isn’t a realization that makes you feel any lonelier in this world than sitting on the edge of your bed on a Sunday night and coming to grips with the fact that the only person you talked to all weekend was a cashier.
18) I wish I could tell you why I remember that ALF’s real name is Gordon Schumway or that Tootie’s first name is actually Dorothy. I really don’t know why those facts are stuck in my brain. They just are.
19) The following moment is the psychic equivalent of being kneed in the groin. Be at a bar, talking to a woman that you are totally mad about, have her discuss how horrible her boyfriend is and call you “the perfect guy”. Because at the end of the night she’ll leave with him and you’ll leave alone. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been a part of that conversation.
20) I am slightly more stylish than I was before. This isn’t much of an accomplishment given that I have t-shirts that date back to high school. If I could go on one of those style makeover shows I really would.
21) At this moment I am working on my next five year plan. Since I was twenty I created five year plans to guide me through life. Whether they have worked or not I’m not sure but I really don’t feel like stopping now.
22) For the record, I pilot the Green Lion in Voltron. Super Dave pilots the Black Lion.
23) I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just sit down and listen to a Josh Rouse record every week.
24) My personal motto is from Michael Faraday (the founder of electrical engineering) “All of this is but a dream. Still, let us examine it with a few experiments.”
25) I don’t think I’ve accomplished a quarter of what I am capable of. Just wait until I start getting some confidence; then you’ll start to see the results.
Monday, January 26, 2009
People who at one point knew me
I hate to inform everyone about this but Facebook is no longer cool. See, like all cutting edge technologies there is a tipping point in which it becomes so popular that it ceases being cool. Based on the fact now that it is odd for me to find someone not on Facebook I really feel that the point has been crossed. However, as opposed to the Friendsters and MySpaces of the world Facebook is still really, really useful so I expect it to hang around for a long while. I’ll stay on it; I just won’t feel hip and cutting edge for doing so.
(And before you ask, no I am not setting up a twitter feed. If you’ve read this site for any length of time the concept of me writing anything meaningful in 150 characters is pretty ludicrous.)
But there is something about Facebook that has really been bugging me and I just have to get it off my chest here. When I started on it my friends were legitimately friends or at least strong acquaintances. These were people I worked with or went to Notre Dame with. Then it started growing as more people from my past began to find me. It is pretty cool to catch up with an old friend from college and even more so when it is someone from back in the grade school or high school days. But then it gets a little weirder.
At some point you start getting requests from people you haven’t thought about for twenty years. I always assume that the reverse is true; I have a hard time believing that anyone would ever find me so memorable that after twenty years they’d go “I wonder what Chris is doing?” This is followed by the friend requests from people you don’t even remember. They theoretically know you and they are convinced that they were your classmate but you simply don’t recall them at all. For me this is pretty frightening because it means that there is this huge blank spot in my photographic memory.
So I would like to propose the following rule. All friend requests are subject to a three fact rule. To become friends if you do not see or speak to this person on a regular basis you must be able to recite three facts about them. Doesn’t matter what they are, just state three facts about their history. This way we will keep Facebook as a collection of people who know each other as opposed to random lists of people you at one time came across.
My other issue is that there really is this strange reaction I get when befriending people from high school on Facebook. Now don’t get me wrong, I really find it cool and a few read the blog which is amazing, but it really does transport you back to that timeframe. Which means that I am constantly trying to deal with all of those emotions of high school most of which I never want to relive. I’ve left that part of me in the distant past and I don’t have a great desire to go back.
But that is exactly what you do. You constantly try to portray yourself in the best light possible (or at least I do). I want to show that I am successful and have accomplished all of my goals and am happy whether any of those things are true or not. Suddenly I find myself in a popularity contest with people I haven’t seen for twenty years. Which is made even worse when I realize that mathematically speaking I am closer to 50 than I am to 15.
Wow, that last sentence is true. I’m just going to curl up in the corner and sob quietly for a moment. Excuse me.
In the end I have prided myself on living my life under no one’s rules but my own. That means that on the bell curve of experiences I typically find myself at either end but never in the middle. Which makes it a little strange when you meet up with people you sat next to years ago and you realize that your lives are completely different. If I am in the right mood my reaction is that I don’t really care. If I’m happy and they’re happy then who is to say who took the right path? But sometimes I do wonder just how I got here and where this road is going to take me.
(And before you ask, no I am not setting up a twitter feed. If you’ve read this site for any length of time the concept of me writing anything meaningful in 150 characters is pretty ludicrous.)
But there is something about Facebook that has really been bugging me and I just have to get it off my chest here. When I started on it my friends were legitimately friends or at least strong acquaintances. These were people I worked with or went to Notre Dame with. Then it started growing as more people from my past began to find me. It is pretty cool to catch up with an old friend from college and even more so when it is someone from back in the grade school or high school days. But then it gets a little weirder.
At some point you start getting requests from people you haven’t thought about for twenty years. I always assume that the reverse is true; I have a hard time believing that anyone would ever find me so memorable that after twenty years they’d go “I wonder what Chris is doing?” This is followed by the friend requests from people you don’t even remember. They theoretically know you and they are convinced that they were your classmate but you simply don’t recall them at all. For me this is pretty frightening because it means that there is this huge blank spot in my photographic memory.
So I would like to propose the following rule. All friend requests are subject to a three fact rule. To become friends if you do not see or speak to this person on a regular basis you must be able to recite three facts about them. Doesn’t matter what they are, just state three facts about their history. This way we will keep Facebook as a collection of people who know each other as opposed to random lists of people you at one time came across.
My other issue is that there really is this strange reaction I get when befriending people from high school on Facebook. Now don’t get me wrong, I really find it cool and a few read the blog which is amazing, but it really does transport you back to that timeframe. Which means that I am constantly trying to deal with all of those emotions of high school most of which I never want to relive. I’ve left that part of me in the distant past and I don’t have a great desire to go back.
But that is exactly what you do. You constantly try to portray yourself in the best light possible (or at least I do). I want to show that I am successful and have accomplished all of my goals and am happy whether any of those things are true or not. Suddenly I find myself in a popularity contest with people I haven’t seen for twenty years. Which is made even worse when I realize that mathematically speaking I am closer to 50 than I am to 15.
Wow, that last sentence is true. I’m just going to curl up in the corner and sob quietly for a moment. Excuse me.
In the end I have prided myself on living my life under no one’s rules but my own. That means that on the bell curve of experiences I typically find myself at either end but never in the middle. Which makes it a little strange when you meet up with people you sat next to years ago and you realize that your lives are completely different. If I am in the right mood my reaction is that I don’t really care. If I’m happy and they’re happy then who is to say who took the right path? But sometimes I do wonder just how I got here and where this road is going to take me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Basically, make it look like you don't live there
In a bid to make this site more beneficial to my regular readers I have decided to post these helpful hints as to what every single male must do to his apartment before inviting a woman over. Yeah, I know, this is mainly theoretical on my part. It’s nice to know that I can discuss what happened in the first three seconds of the universe’s existence and not be questioned in the slightest but the second I talk about relationships it suddenly becomes impossible to believe that I may have insight into the matter. Still, here is a handy list to use at your convenience.
· Remove all reading material from your bathroom: As the one place it is certain that the woman will enter is your bathroom it is vitally important that you set up that room as if you have never entered it. Thus, remove all books, magazines and other items that you use to avoid the otherwise deadtime in your life.
· Sticking with the bathroom, besides cleaning it, clearly place items that show you take care of yourself but remove those that are too indicative of the fact: All guys have liquid soap. Classy guys like myself have high end cleanser, face scrub and hair gel neatly organized with the labels facing out near the sink. Hide the nose hair trimmer though. As important it is to know that you have a situation there that needs addressing it is not something that you wish to advertise.
· Candles. They come with a catch: You want to have a few small, scented candles scattered around your apartment as proper decorating items. However, there are a number of rules that come with the operation of these candles. 1) They cannot be lit when she enters the room. That indicates that once you hit play on the stereo you will hear the soulful sounds of Barry White and that is not the best first impression to make. 2) They cannot show any evidence of ever being lit. That means that you had another woman over recently and were too lazy to get new candles. 3) Rules 1 and 2 can be ignored if you suffered at least a three day electricity outage in the past two weeks.
· Hide any films starring Bridget the Midget: Note: may not be applicable if one is dating someone who is vertically challenged though on second thought, hide it really well in that case. This goes double if said films also involve clowns.
· Magazines may be neatly arranged on a coffee table taking special care to disguise those that may feature actresses in skimpy attire. It goes without saying that you should keep your collection of Maxim issues out of plain sight. There is a bigger challenge when it comes to GQ and Esquire. These are actually useful magazines that one reads for personal benefit that just happen to occasionally feature a nude Jennifer Aniston on the cover. In that instance, best to hide or in my case, momentarily organize the stack of issues in non-chronological order. While that goes against all principles of natural structure it is a price one must pay.
· Reorganize bookshelves to display most popular and /or impressive books in the most prominent position: You’ll want to use this as a conversation piece so start with what will work, even if that means admitting that you own The Da Vinci Code. Your science fiction collection should be moved down a few shelves. If you’re like me and have an entire shelf dedicated to pro wrestling auto-biographies well, you should just be happy that a woman has voluntarily entered your abode in the first place.
· On that note, hide the pro wrestling DVDs: Though if you meet a woman who goes “why don’t we just snuggle together on the couch and watch The History of the Intercontinental Title DVD” marry her instantly.
· Stock the refrigerator and pantry with items that indicate that you know how to cook and / or take care of yourself: Whether you actually can or do cook is irrelevant. The key is to give the impression that you do. Hence, the fridge should contain some sort of green vegetable as well as something that could be described as fruit. Leftovers should only remain if they are less than one day old and not in a takeout container. While microwave and bag dinners are acceptable they need to be balanced by other items that would at least require turning on the stove to cook. Random spices are also beneficial. And for the love of God, bottled water in the fridge please. She’s going to ask for water and you look like you know what you are doing when you pull out a nice, chilled bottle of water.
· Remove the action figures from your home office: I know Boba Fett is the man. You know Boba Fett is the man. Hell, she knows Boba Fett is the man. For some reason though it is unacceptable to place Boba Fett in his rightful place of honor inside your apartment. For the life of me I do not know why.
That is what I have to start with. Any additions?
Best of 120 Minutes: I’ll leave it to Juliana Hatfield to describe how most of my workouts have been going recently. After another bike ride to nowhere somehow this seems really fitting.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Insiders “Not For Sale”
2) Julie Delpy “Julie Delpy”
3) Jon Dee Graham “Swept Away”
4) Lyle Lovett “Lyle Lovett”
5) Victoria Williams “Water to Drink”
· Remove all reading material from your bathroom: As the one place it is certain that the woman will enter is your bathroom it is vitally important that you set up that room as if you have never entered it. Thus, remove all books, magazines and other items that you use to avoid the otherwise deadtime in your life.
· Sticking with the bathroom, besides cleaning it, clearly place items that show you take care of yourself but remove those that are too indicative of the fact: All guys have liquid soap. Classy guys like myself have high end cleanser, face scrub and hair gel neatly organized with the labels facing out near the sink. Hide the nose hair trimmer though. As important it is to know that you have a situation there that needs addressing it is not something that you wish to advertise.
· Candles. They come with a catch: You want to have a few small, scented candles scattered around your apartment as proper decorating items. However, there are a number of rules that come with the operation of these candles. 1) They cannot be lit when she enters the room. That indicates that once you hit play on the stereo you will hear the soulful sounds of Barry White and that is not the best first impression to make. 2) They cannot show any evidence of ever being lit. That means that you had another woman over recently and were too lazy to get new candles. 3) Rules 1 and 2 can be ignored if you suffered at least a three day electricity outage in the past two weeks.
· Hide any films starring Bridget the Midget: Note: may not be applicable if one is dating someone who is vertically challenged though on second thought, hide it really well in that case. This goes double if said films also involve clowns.
· Magazines may be neatly arranged on a coffee table taking special care to disguise those that may feature actresses in skimpy attire. It goes without saying that you should keep your collection of Maxim issues out of plain sight. There is a bigger challenge when it comes to GQ and Esquire. These are actually useful magazines that one reads for personal benefit that just happen to occasionally feature a nude Jennifer Aniston on the cover. In that instance, best to hide or in my case, momentarily organize the stack of issues in non-chronological order. While that goes against all principles of natural structure it is a price one must pay.
· Reorganize bookshelves to display most popular and /or impressive books in the most prominent position: You’ll want to use this as a conversation piece so start with what will work, even if that means admitting that you own The Da Vinci Code. Your science fiction collection should be moved down a few shelves. If you’re like me and have an entire shelf dedicated to pro wrestling auto-biographies well, you should just be happy that a woman has voluntarily entered your abode in the first place.
· On that note, hide the pro wrestling DVDs: Though if you meet a woman who goes “why don’t we just snuggle together on the couch and watch The History of the Intercontinental Title DVD” marry her instantly.
· Stock the refrigerator and pantry with items that indicate that you know how to cook and / or take care of yourself: Whether you actually can or do cook is irrelevant. The key is to give the impression that you do. Hence, the fridge should contain some sort of green vegetable as well as something that could be described as fruit. Leftovers should only remain if they are less than one day old and not in a takeout container. While microwave and bag dinners are acceptable they need to be balanced by other items that would at least require turning on the stove to cook. Random spices are also beneficial. And for the love of God, bottled water in the fridge please. She’s going to ask for water and you look like you know what you are doing when you pull out a nice, chilled bottle of water.
· Remove the action figures from your home office: I know Boba Fett is the man. You know Boba Fett is the man. Hell, she knows Boba Fett is the man. For some reason though it is unacceptable to place Boba Fett in his rightful place of honor inside your apartment. For the life of me I do not know why.
That is what I have to start with. Any additions?
Best of 120 Minutes: I’ll leave it to Juliana Hatfield to describe how most of my workouts have been going recently. After another bike ride to nowhere somehow this seems really fitting.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Insiders “Not For Sale”
2) Julie Delpy “Julie Delpy”
3) Jon Dee Graham “Swept Away”
4) Lyle Lovett “Lyle Lovett”
5) Victoria Williams “Water to Drink”
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Until We Say Goodbye
[Author's note: I'm kind of blank from a creativity standpoint at the moment so I thought that I would dig into some of my older material. Here is the prologue and opening chapter to the novel that I am working on. Enjoy.]
Prologue: I Always Wanted to be an Astronaut
I never intended for my life to end up this way. When you’re a kid and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up you always answer something glamorous like football player or doctor. Some outlandish, success filled profession where the rest of the world would look at you with admiration and awe. You never answer “I want to grow up to be a faceless cubicle drone just hoping to get through the day without having my soul forcefully ripped from my body.”
And I don’t care how much fun you have in your early twenties, when life simply consists of endless adventure and carefree existence, you always know that those moments are going to be fleeting. You’ll soon meet the woman that completes you (or at least doesn’t actively annoy you) and you’ll move out to the suburbs with your wife and your dog and an immaculately manicured lawn. That is the end goal and not for one second do you doubt that it is going to happen.
But life has a way of messing with your plans. What was always intended never occurs and you find yourself spending Valentine’s night working late in an office for a job you grudgingly perform because it gives you something to do during the day. Not even upset that you aren’t out because you were so unceremoniously dumped that the very concept of seeing happy couples sickens you. All of those dreams and convictions that fed you have slowly disappeared and all you can do is ask yourself “Is every day going to be like this for the rest of my life?”
That’s where I found myself. A seemingly successful thirty two year old lost amidst his life. No one to love, no burning passion in his heart, and a sinking feeling that life had past him by before it even had a chance to start. As if all of my dreams of happiness were as silly as my childhood dreams of being an astronaut.
Fate has a sense of humor, though. Life can take you for an adventure when you least expect it. The world can show you things that you never imagined.
Like I said, I never intended for my life to end up this way. But it makes for an interesting story.
Chapter 1: Some Mornings It Just Doesn’t Pay to Wake Up
Tuesday mornings are the worst. There is nothing more painful than coming to the office on a Tuesday morning. At least on Mondays you have a built in excuse for laziness. No one expects you to be a functional human beings and even the bosses are a little slow on the uptake. Everyone in the building is of the same mindset. No one wants to be there. We’d all much rather be in bed.
But on Tuesdays you lose that societal pretense of collective laziness. You’re expected to be in the office at eight and working whether you have your coffee or not. It’s part of adulthood, I guess. You show up at the faceless corporation and do your job. In my case you do it drudgingly trying to find the point of maximum results with minimal effort. I certainly don’t want to be there. I’d much rather be on my couch watching ESPN Classic and waiting for happy hour. Maybe that is why I spend most of my workday writing emails. At least that doesn’t feel entirely like work.
When I woke up this morning I actually felt pretty good about myself. Sure, life wasn’t entirely perfect and I’d have to drag my body through another day in the office but for once being Brian Evans wasn’t a bad proposition. I might complain about my job but at least I am successful at it. People in the office refer to me as the spreadsheet guru, the guy who can make numbers dance and that weirdo who always has headphones on (depending on how they feel about me at the time). I have a group of buddies who keep life interesting for me. Plus, there was Mary.
I don’t know about other people but I tend not to start relationships. It is more like I awake one morning to find myself in one. No one ever seems to inform me of the fact, there is never any paperwork to sign, all that happens is one night at the bar someone starts asking about my girlfriend and it suddenly dawns on me that I am dating someone. That’s kind of how things were with Mary. Met her at Pops and started hanging out. Before I knew it we were a couple and had actually started to like each other.
We spent the past few weeks doing all of those early relationship rituals. Spending night after night on the phone, secretly texting each other from the office, and finding every excuse to be together. “Want to go get coffee?” “I need to do some grocery shopping, care to join me?” No errand was too silly if it meant a few minutes together. Every word we shared was a revelation. I even made big plans for tomorrow. Dinner, flowers, the works. It is Valentine’s Day after all.
It didn’t surprise me that there was an email from her waiting for me in the morning. That’s just one of the ways we stay in touch. It did confuse me as to why she replied to an email that I had sent her two weeks earlier. All that email was about was how the Star Wars films created their own philosophical milieu. I tell all this just so you know that before I opened my email my world was, for all effective purposes, decent. I certainly did not expect the first words I read this morning to be
“Brian, I’m sorry but I don’t think you should ever talk to me again.”
There was only one thought in my mind after reading that.
“When does the bar open?”
Prologue: I Always Wanted to be an Astronaut
I never intended for my life to end up this way. When you’re a kid and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up you always answer something glamorous like football player or doctor. Some outlandish, success filled profession where the rest of the world would look at you with admiration and awe. You never answer “I want to grow up to be a faceless cubicle drone just hoping to get through the day without having my soul forcefully ripped from my body.”
And I don’t care how much fun you have in your early twenties, when life simply consists of endless adventure and carefree existence, you always know that those moments are going to be fleeting. You’ll soon meet the woman that completes you (or at least doesn’t actively annoy you) and you’ll move out to the suburbs with your wife and your dog and an immaculately manicured lawn. That is the end goal and not for one second do you doubt that it is going to happen.
But life has a way of messing with your plans. What was always intended never occurs and you find yourself spending Valentine’s night working late in an office for a job you grudgingly perform because it gives you something to do during the day. Not even upset that you aren’t out because you were so unceremoniously dumped that the very concept of seeing happy couples sickens you. All of those dreams and convictions that fed you have slowly disappeared and all you can do is ask yourself “Is every day going to be like this for the rest of my life?”
That’s where I found myself. A seemingly successful thirty two year old lost amidst his life. No one to love, no burning passion in his heart, and a sinking feeling that life had past him by before it even had a chance to start. As if all of my dreams of happiness were as silly as my childhood dreams of being an astronaut.
Fate has a sense of humor, though. Life can take you for an adventure when you least expect it. The world can show you things that you never imagined.
Like I said, I never intended for my life to end up this way. But it makes for an interesting story.
Chapter 1: Some Mornings It Just Doesn’t Pay to Wake Up
Tuesday mornings are the worst. There is nothing more painful than coming to the office on a Tuesday morning. At least on Mondays you have a built in excuse for laziness. No one expects you to be a functional human beings and even the bosses are a little slow on the uptake. Everyone in the building is of the same mindset. No one wants to be there. We’d all much rather be in bed.
But on Tuesdays you lose that societal pretense of collective laziness. You’re expected to be in the office at eight and working whether you have your coffee or not. It’s part of adulthood, I guess. You show up at the faceless corporation and do your job. In my case you do it drudgingly trying to find the point of maximum results with minimal effort. I certainly don’t want to be there. I’d much rather be on my couch watching ESPN Classic and waiting for happy hour. Maybe that is why I spend most of my workday writing emails. At least that doesn’t feel entirely like work.
When I woke up this morning I actually felt pretty good about myself. Sure, life wasn’t entirely perfect and I’d have to drag my body through another day in the office but for once being Brian Evans wasn’t a bad proposition. I might complain about my job but at least I am successful at it. People in the office refer to me as the spreadsheet guru, the guy who can make numbers dance and that weirdo who always has headphones on (depending on how they feel about me at the time). I have a group of buddies who keep life interesting for me. Plus, there was Mary.
I don’t know about other people but I tend not to start relationships. It is more like I awake one morning to find myself in one. No one ever seems to inform me of the fact, there is never any paperwork to sign, all that happens is one night at the bar someone starts asking about my girlfriend and it suddenly dawns on me that I am dating someone. That’s kind of how things were with Mary. Met her at Pops and started hanging out. Before I knew it we were a couple and had actually started to like each other.
We spent the past few weeks doing all of those early relationship rituals. Spending night after night on the phone, secretly texting each other from the office, and finding every excuse to be together. “Want to go get coffee?” “I need to do some grocery shopping, care to join me?” No errand was too silly if it meant a few minutes together. Every word we shared was a revelation. I even made big plans for tomorrow. Dinner, flowers, the works. It is Valentine’s Day after all.
It didn’t surprise me that there was an email from her waiting for me in the morning. That’s just one of the ways we stay in touch. It did confuse me as to why she replied to an email that I had sent her two weeks earlier. All that email was about was how the Star Wars films created their own philosophical milieu. I tell all this just so you know that before I opened my email my world was, for all effective purposes, decent. I certainly did not expect the first words I read this morning to be
“Brian, I’m sorry but I don’t think you should ever talk to me again.”
There was only one thought in my mind after reading that.
“When does the bar open?”
Thursday, January 22, 2009
No love for Sex in the City?
Well the Oscar nominations came out today so I might as well end the week with a discussion on them. I’ll start with something that most people probably missed, which is who is receiving the honorary Oscar this year. Hold on to your large comical hats folks as this year’s winner of the honorary Oscar will be….
Jerry Lewis.
Yes, that Jerry Lewis. The Absent Minded Professor Jerry Lewis. The very popular in France Jerry Lewis. The less talented half of Martin and Lewis Jerry Lewis. Officially this is for his humanitarian work and you can’t really fault him getting an award for that. But somehow the fact that he is receiving and Oscar is a bit disconcerting.
(Best explanation as to why he is popular in France is this. On the surface Jerry Lewis appears to be the prototypical American. Athletic, handsome, completely self-confident. But when he opens his mouth he is a complete idiot. The French love this.)
On to the real nominations. If you need to bet your life savings on any category take Wall-E for best animated film. It could theoretically lose to Kung Fu Panda but only if the panda lobby offers a lot of bamboo to the voters.
Most surprising nomination: Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder. I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve the nomination and I am certainly a believer in the fact that comedies are always ignored at Oscar time. But I can barely get my head around the fact that Tropic Thunder pulled in an Oscar nomination. No film that featured Ben Stiller should ever be nominated for anything.
Welcome Back awards: Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei both were nominated for their work in The Wrestler (which I still haven’t seen but really want to. How can you not want to watch a film that features Necro Butcher breaking out the stapler.) Mickey Rourke looks and act the part of a broken down wrestler so well that it is scary. From every scene that I have seen he looks and acts like a wrestler and his in ring work has been praised by actual wrestlers. And Marisa Tomei apparently brings it. I’d like her to win just so she can be the most unlikely person to have two Oscars on her mantle.
Reason I’ll be watching the awards show: Amy Adams. I think that she is my new celebrity crush. Talented, amazingly beautiful and she actually seems to be a decent person.
Trivia that you probably do not know: This is Kate Winslet’s sixth Oscar nomination. The fact that she is two years younger than I am makes that fact slightly depressing. Still, she is one of my favorites and is one of the few actresses in Hollywood who actually looks like a real human being.
Surprise of the year: No Randy Newman song for best original song? Hell, they didn’t even nominate the Springsteen track from The Wrestler. Maybe they realized that they are not going to come close to what happened last year with Once so they’ll just decide to hand it to Peter Gabriel this time.
I’ll try to post something interesting over the weekend. Not sure if it will be another dating story or not. Either way, I’ll try to make it worth your while to stop by on the weekend.
Jerry Lewis.
Yes, that Jerry Lewis. The Absent Minded Professor Jerry Lewis. The very popular in France Jerry Lewis. The less talented half of Martin and Lewis Jerry Lewis. Officially this is for his humanitarian work and you can’t really fault him getting an award for that. But somehow the fact that he is receiving and Oscar is a bit disconcerting.
(Best explanation as to why he is popular in France is this. On the surface Jerry Lewis appears to be the prototypical American. Athletic, handsome, completely self-confident. But when he opens his mouth he is a complete idiot. The French love this.)
On to the real nominations. If you need to bet your life savings on any category take Wall-E for best animated film. It could theoretically lose to Kung Fu Panda but only if the panda lobby offers a lot of bamboo to the voters.
Most surprising nomination: Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder. I’m not saying that he doesn’t deserve the nomination and I am certainly a believer in the fact that comedies are always ignored at Oscar time. But I can barely get my head around the fact that Tropic Thunder pulled in an Oscar nomination. No film that featured Ben Stiller should ever be nominated for anything.
Welcome Back awards: Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei both were nominated for their work in The Wrestler (which I still haven’t seen but really want to. How can you not want to watch a film that features Necro Butcher breaking out the stapler.) Mickey Rourke looks and act the part of a broken down wrestler so well that it is scary. From every scene that I have seen he looks and acts like a wrestler and his in ring work has been praised by actual wrestlers. And Marisa Tomei apparently brings it. I’d like her to win just so she can be the most unlikely person to have two Oscars on her mantle.
Reason I’ll be watching the awards show: Amy Adams. I think that she is my new celebrity crush. Talented, amazingly beautiful and she actually seems to be a decent person.
Trivia that you probably do not know: This is Kate Winslet’s sixth Oscar nomination. The fact that she is two years younger than I am makes that fact slightly depressing. Still, she is one of my favorites and is one of the few actresses in Hollywood who actually looks like a real human being.
Surprise of the year: No Randy Newman song for best original song? Hell, they didn’t even nominate the Springsteen track from The Wrestler. Maybe they realized that they are not going to come close to what happened last year with Once so they’ll just decide to hand it to Peter Gabriel this time.
I’ll try to post something interesting over the weekend. Not sure if it will be another dating story or not. Either way, I’ll try to make it worth your while to stop by on the weekend.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
When does The Pick Up Artist 3 begin?
I just want to state my amusement in that they actually made Obama retake the oath of office today because he said it incorrectly yesterday. See, I was right in saying that he wasn’t officially president. It’s frightening how observant I can be at times. No wonder I saw five people wearing Aretha Franklin’s hat today.
Ok, over the past few weeks I have been very poor in my coverage of VH-1’s reality programming. This has been a huge overlook on my part as some of the shows are just classic. Let’s run through some of the shows currently airing.
Real Chance at Love: I know this show just had its season finale but I really need to start here. So we have Real and Chance, two contestants from I Love New York, which featured New York from Flavor of Love, which was created when the relationship between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson fell apart, a relationship that began on The Surreal Life, a show that existed to promote people who used to be vaguely famous, are on a Bachelor type show. That sentence does make sense even if reading it makes you die a little inside. What makes the show so brilliant is the degree to which this is a competition. These women dream of dating a former reality television show contestant. Everyone is serious: best evidence when Chance questioned Corn Fed (a woman from Fargo who yes, was called Corn Fed for the entire series) whether she could handle his lifestyle. Which raises the question: what lifestyle?
Tool Academy: This is the flip side of The Pick Up Artist. Whereas that show focused on guys who can’t get women and then teaches them all the tricks to have beautiful women falling all over themselves trying to be with the former geeks this show is about muscle bound, self-absorbed guys who are trying to be taught to be caring sensitive males. So essentially this show is about unlearning everything that Mystery taught me and getting back to being myself. And people wonder why I have such a hard time meeting women. I can’t even figure out what side of spectrum to be on.
Confession of a Teen Idol: This show, which not surprisingly comes from the inventive mind of Scott Baio, focuses on former teen idols as they try to make a comeback. Now some of the people on the show are actual teen idols. Christopher Atkins, Jeremy Jackson, and even Adrian Zmed fit the criteria of once being lusted after by fourteen year old girls. Also on the show is Billy Hufsey. I don’t have any clue who this guy is. He apparently was on the TV show Fame, which I barely remember. Sign that your career has gone badly: when you are on a show featuring washed up stars and none of the other has beens can remember who you are.
Sober House: Here is how Wikipedia sums up the first episode: “Steven Adler comes to the house not only high, but bringing heroin.” If that doesn’t catch your interest nothing will. For those of you who need more background this is a spinoff of Celebrity Rehab (yes, in the world of VH-1 even a reality show about rehab can merit a spinoff). After watching your favorite D-list celebrities get clean in rehab now you get to watch how they try to stay sober. Featuring, and I’m not making this up, the aforementioned Steven Adler from Guns N Roses, porn star Mary Carey, Andy Dick and in the best non sequitor casting ever, Rodney King. There should be a contest connected with this show where a random member of the public is placed in the house with this crowd and if they don’t become a drug addict trying to deal with all of them they win a million dollars.
And we can only end with…
Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: Ok, I’m just going to list the awesomeness of this show in bullet point form.
· Bret is always shown wearing a bandanna because it is clearly apparent that he has lost the vast majority of his hair.
· Also, all of Bret’s individual segments are shot in front of a backdrop of all of his gold records. Except that it is clearly a greenscreen so they could put the surface of the moon back there and he would never notice.
· The third episode of the show was titled, and again I’m not making this up, “Skanks on Ice”
· We have contestants named Brittanya, Jasmineva, Constandina, and Mindy.
· The fact that not only were they able to find new contestants that met the former stripper standard set in the first two seasons but they found twenty of them.
· The entire concept of the show is this. As Bret was unable to find love in the first two seasons (what a surprise) he is now searching for a woman who will be able to withstand his rock and roll lifestyle. So now the contest is going on the road with him as he travels to such exotic locations as Louisville, Indianapolis and my former home of Champaign, Illinois. That is not a bad judgment of true love for you right there. If you can find a woman who will willingly travel to Champaign with you marry her.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Time to increase my indie cred. Fleet Foxes, yes they were on Saturday Night Live but they are still all kinds of awesome.
Ok, over the past few weeks I have been very poor in my coverage of VH-1’s reality programming. This has been a huge overlook on my part as some of the shows are just classic. Let’s run through some of the shows currently airing.
Real Chance at Love: I know this show just had its season finale but I really need to start here. So we have Real and Chance, two contestants from I Love New York, which featured New York from Flavor of Love, which was created when the relationship between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielson fell apart, a relationship that began on The Surreal Life, a show that existed to promote people who used to be vaguely famous, are on a Bachelor type show. That sentence does make sense even if reading it makes you die a little inside. What makes the show so brilliant is the degree to which this is a competition. These women dream of dating a former reality television show contestant. Everyone is serious: best evidence when Chance questioned Corn Fed (a woman from Fargo who yes, was called Corn Fed for the entire series) whether she could handle his lifestyle. Which raises the question: what lifestyle?
Tool Academy: This is the flip side of The Pick Up Artist. Whereas that show focused on guys who can’t get women and then teaches them all the tricks to have beautiful women falling all over themselves trying to be with the former geeks this show is about muscle bound, self-absorbed guys who are trying to be taught to be caring sensitive males. So essentially this show is about unlearning everything that Mystery taught me and getting back to being myself. And people wonder why I have such a hard time meeting women. I can’t even figure out what side of spectrum to be on.
Confession of a Teen Idol: This show, which not surprisingly comes from the inventive mind of Scott Baio, focuses on former teen idols as they try to make a comeback. Now some of the people on the show are actual teen idols. Christopher Atkins, Jeremy Jackson, and even Adrian Zmed fit the criteria of once being lusted after by fourteen year old girls. Also on the show is Billy Hufsey. I don’t have any clue who this guy is. He apparently was on the TV show Fame, which I barely remember. Sign that your career has gone badly: when you are on a show featuring washed up stars and none of the other has beens can remember who you are.
Sober House: Here is how Wikipedia sums up the first episode: “Steven Adler comes to the house not only high, but bringing heroin.” If that doesn’t catch your interest nothing will. For those of you who need more background this is a spinoff of Celebrity Rehab (yes, in the world of VH-1 even a reality show about rehab can merit a spinoff). After watching your favorite D-list celebrities get clean in rehab now you get to watch how they try to stay sober. Featuring, and I’m not making this up, the aforementioned Steven Adler from Guns N Roses, porn star Mary Carey, Andy Dick and in the best non sequitor casting ever, Rodney King. There should be a contest connected with this show where a random member of the public is placed in the house with this crowd and if they don’t become a drug addict trying to deal with all of them they win a million dollars.
And we can only end with…
Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: Ok, I’m just going to list the awesomeness of this show in bullet point form.
· Bret is always shown wearing a bandanna because it is clearly apparent that he has lost the vast majority of his hair.
· Also, all of Bret’s individual segments are shot in front of a backdrop of all of his gold records. Except that it is clearly a greenscreen so they could put the surface of the moon back there and he would never notice.
· The third episode of the show was titled, and again I’m not making this up, “Skanks on Ice”
· We have contestants named Brittanya, Jasmineva, Constandina, and Mindy.
· The fact that not only were they able to find new contestants that met the former stripper standard set in the first two seasons but they found twenty of them.
· The entire concept of the show is this. As Bret was unable to find love in the first two seasons (what a surprise) he is now searching for a woman who will be able to withstand his rock and roll lifestyle. So now the contest is going on the road with him as he travels to such exotic locations as Louisville, Indianapolis and my former home of Champaign, Illinois. That is not a bad judgment of true love for you right there. If you can find a woman who will willingly travel to Champaign with you marry her.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Time to increase my indie cred. Fleet Foxes, yes they were on Saturday Night Live but they are still all kinds of awesome.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
So all our problems are fixed now, right?
Addendum to last night’s post: For those wondering, I checked the “why yes, let’s try talking for more than six minutes” box for a number of my encounters that night. Probably more than half now that I think about it (and two of which I really did want to see again). So I wasn’t being my usual, overly selective self. I was open to pretty much anything. I guess that makes the ending even more depressing. I’m not sure.
I’ll just do a bit of quick hits on the inauguration tonight.
1) There is nothing that speaks evil criminal genius like the sight of Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. Seriously, they should have given him a white cat to place on his lap and slowly pet while the ceremony progressed. Maybe have the camera focus on him occasionally while he issued a maniacal laugh.
2) I had an interesting argument last week with someone who was at the inauguration. They were surprised that I wasn’t going and would therefore be missing a historic moment. Which is true in that I wasn’t there; I was watching it on television. That said, none of the people who were there witnessed the historic moment either. They all were watching on big screens. They just happened to be in the same vague geographic region. That is why I am more than glad that I actually saw Obama and Biden on Saturday. That was more than enough for me.
3) I believe from now on in every crowd one person must be wearing Aretha Franklin’s hat. It should be made a law or something. For the good of society we need more large, comical hats. I’m also curious as to the song choice of “My Country Tis of Thee”. It’s a fine song and all but not one that I’ve heard recently. (Still, I wish people would recognize that Woody Guthrie did not intend “This Land is your Land” to be considered this wonderfully patriotic song. It is a protest song against the upper class not sharing with those less fortunate. For once I would like people to note that when they sing it.)
4) I really want to start the urban legend that since Obama did not correctly recite the oath of office that he is not officially president. There is precedence for this. The term “read the riot act” comes from the fact that under British law before they could arrest protestors the police must read a specific list of orders. This is (or at least was) true. It is also true that one set of rioters were set free because the cops did not end with “God save the Queen”. Honestly, history classes would be much more interesting if this is what children were taught.
5) The idea of the inaugural ball seems so anachronistic that it is almost laughable. Here we are celebrating the inauguration of a president whose entire campaign was based on supporting the common man and what do we do to celebrate? Quick, everyone into tuxedos and formal gowns so we can have a ballroom dance! It is one of those moments where you celebrate in a way that no one, including yourself, would ever celebrate in. It’s like taking waltz lessons so you can perform the first dance at your own wedding. It’s your wedding; you really shouldn’t need to take classes for it.
6) Can I state that it was kind of sad to see George Bush walk off the stage and leave? Not that I admire the guy or anything; I’ve been on the public record for years as saying that he was the worst president since Millard Fillmore. But it is always this strange, bittersweet moment when a president leaves office. He just stands there, watches someone new take his job, and he changes from being the most powerful man in the world to just another guy in a suit. Then it is off to the helicopter to get him out of town while the movers are packing up his stuff. This is before the crowd starts booing or throwing shoes at the White House. Like I said, I don’t like the guy but you should show a little bit of respect.
7) I’ll end with something that is mentioned every four years but should really be noted here. The amazing thing about our country is that throughout its history every four years we hold an election and a leader is sworn in. This is never challenged, no one has tried to seize control, there have been no military coups or dictatorships form. Bush just hands over the reigns of power to a political rival and the entire country goes on just as it always has. That is really incredible and when you study the history of the world it is really an American institution. There is no backroom intrigue (well, somewhat with elections but nowhere near as many murders as in other parts of the world) or hostile takeovers. Just a continual flow of control. It’s rather amazing.
Tomorrow I will address the fact that I have been very neglectful in my analysis of VH-1’s rather brilliant reality programming. Stay tuned.
I’ll just do a bit of quick hits on the inauguration tonight.
1) There is nothing that speaks evil criminal genius like the sight of Dick Cheney in a wheelchair. Seriously, they should have given him a white cat to place on his lap and slowly pet while the ceremony progressed. Maybe have the camera focus on him occasionally while he issued a maniacal laugh.
2) I had an interesting argument last week with someone who was at the inauguration. They were surprised that I wasn’t going and would therefore be missing a historic moment. Which is true in that I wasn’t there; I was watching it on television. That said, none of the people who were there witnessed the historic moment either. They all were watching on big screens. They just happened to be in the same vague geographic region. That is why I am more than glad that I actually saw Obama and Biden on Saturday. That was more than enough for me.
3) I believe from now on in every crowd one person must be wearing Aretha Franklin’s hat. It should be made a law or something. For the good of society we need more large, comical hats. I’m also curious as to the song choice of “My Country Tis of Thee”. It’s a fine song and all but not one that I’ve heard recently. (Still, I wish people would recognize that Woody Guthrie did not intend “This Land is your Land” to be considered this wonderfully patriotic song. It is a protest song against the upper class not sharing with those less fortunate. For once I would like people to note that when they sing it.)
4) I really want to start the urban legend that since Obama did not correctly recite the oath of office that he is not officially president. There is precedence for this. The term “read the riot act” comes from the fact that under British law before they could arrest protestors the police must read a specific list of orders. This is (or at least was) true. It is also true that one set of rioters were set free because the cops did not end with “God save the Queen”. Honestly, history classes would be much more interesting if this is what children were taught.
5) The idea of the inaugural ball seems so anachronistic that it is almost laughable. Here we are celebrating the inauguration of a president whose entire campaign was based on supporting the common man and what do we do to celebrate? Quick, everyone into tuxedos and formal gowns so we can have a ballroom dance! It is one of those moments where you celebrate in a way that no one, including yourself, would ever celebrate in. It’s like taking waltz lessons so you can perform the first dance at your own wedding. It’s your wedding; you really shouldn’t need to take classes for it.
6) Can I state that it was kind of sad to see George Bush walk off the stage and leave? Not that I admire the guy or anything; I’ve been on the public record for years as saying that he was the worst president since Millard Fillmore. But it is always this strange, bittersweet moment when a president leaves office. He just stands there, watches someone new take his job, and he changes from being the most powerful man in the world to just another guy in a suit. Then it is off to the helicopter to get him out of town while the movers are packing up his stuff. This is before the crowd starts booing or throwing shoes at the White House. Like I said, I don’t like the guy but you should show a little bit of respect.
7) I’ll end with something that is mentioned every four years but should really be noted here. The amazing thing about our country is that throughout its history every four years we hold an election and a leader is sworn in. This is never challenged, no one has tried to seize control, there have been no military coups or dictatorships form. Bush just hands over the reigns of power to a political rival and the entire country goes on just as it always has. That is really incredible and when you study the history of the world it is really an American institution. There is no backroom intrigue (well, somewhat with elections but nowhere near as many murders as in other parts of the world) or hostile takeovers. Just a continual flow of control. It’s rather amazing.
Tomorrow I will address the fact that I have been very neglectful in my analysis of VH-1’s rather brilliant reality programming. Stay tuned.
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