Ok, time to finish off the Bowl Previews with the BCS bowl games, also known as the only games that anyone really cares about. Well, one game that people kind of care about and four others that are just kind of there.
January 1:
Rose Bowl Game presented by Citi: Ohio State vs. Oregon: The pageantry! The spectacle! The floats covered with numerous types of roses in a complete waste of ecological resources! And for the first time in recent memory, no appearance by USC! This year we have the traditional matchup of overrated Big 10 team versus much faster Pac 10 team. (The Pac 10: Nine fine academic institutions and Arizona State.) I would like to remind everyone that Oregon will be fielding a player who punched a Boise State player in the face after a loss during the first week of the season. Yes he was suspended but it is good to know that a knockdown punch does not end your season. Sadly, the only way Ohio State wins this game is if most of Oregon is either suspended or banned from taking the field in neon yellow uniforms. I recommend watching the parade instead.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati: I would like to take a moment here to honor the career of Tim Tebow who I fear will become the Christian Laettner of football. What I mean is that on a college level no one in the modern era had quite as good a career as Laettner. Two titles, four final fours, magical last second shots, most NCAA tournament games played, just amazing accomplishments that led to a rather pedestrian pro career. I see the same for Tebow who could become a decent pro quarterback but will probably never be a Hall of Famer. But my god, was he unstoppable in the college game. Watching him in tears at the end of the SEC championship game made you realize just how much he wanted to win every single time he took the field.
Cincinnati is the team that just got screwed by Notre Dame. Or more accurately, their coach left an undefeated team to join ND before the bowl game. I’m still a little underwhelmed at the signing. I like Brian Kelly and Cincy has put together a nice program but I am not sold on him at all. Winning in the Big East is not the most impressive thing in the world. I hope I’m wrong and that he turns out to be a good coach but I am more excited by Kansas signing Turner Gill as their new coach. Anyway, Florida wins this one because no way Tebow goes out as a loser.
January 4:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: You have to love the BCS. You have two undefeated teams from non-BCS conferences who can’t play in the title game because no BCS school will schedule them. At the moment Boise State has an open challenge to any BCS school to play them and no one has taken up the offer. So what do the bowls do? They have them play each other. Just completely unfair.
There is no team that I get more joy in watching than Boise State. Every single thing about the program is wrong. Their uniforms, the color of their field, the fact that Idaho has two Division 1 football programs, none of it makes a lick of sense. But they go out and play and win year in and year out and they’ve proven that they can beat the big boys. On the other hand TCU couldn’t sell out home games during a dream season. Cheer for Boise State and ask your school to put them on the schedule. Until we get a playoff (four team or eight team) that will be the only option.
January 5:
FedEx Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech: What sucks about the new bowl schedule where you no longer have all the games on New Year’s Day is that we seem to have lost the spectacle that is the Orange Bowl halftime show. As a kid this was amazing as it always seemed to take forty five minutes and involve elephants and performers previously seen only as guest stars on The Love Boat. I believe Colorado performed knee surgery on a player during halftime one year. Now this is just a meaningless Tuesday night game.
Georgia Tech is coached by the former Navy coach and runs the triple option. There is no trickery. They are going to run the triple option and you must stop it. No one does. Iowa football is made up of the typical combination of farm boys and…pretty much farm boys. I’m pretty sure they are the only school that schedules a bye week for the crucial shucking season. Oh, and the following video is for my old friend and blog commenter Rug. We kid because we admire the program Rug. No other reason.
Citi BCS National Championship Game: Texas vs. Alabama: Again I must note that the final bowl game does not have the word Bowl anywhere in its title. If that doesn’t tell you how screwed up the system is nothing will. Of all the possible title game matchups this has to be the least interesting imaginable. I would have loved to have seen Cincy or TCU or Boise State in here to give us an underdog. Or for there to be two dominant teams meeting up like the Texas vs. USC game a few years ago. Instead we have this.
Texas has just been completely underwhelming. They should have lost to Nebraska and would have if it wasn’t for a horrible kickoff, a dumb penalty and luck after running the worst two minute drill that I have ever seen. Even against Oklahoma, a team they should have destroyed, Texas played poorly and Colt McCoy hasn’t shown me much all season. Alabama, on the other hand, has just been dominant but not in a fun way. This isn’t a high explosive offense that excites you with great plays. This is a team that beats you 17 – 6 in a game that is never in doubt. They are a great team with a star player in Ingram but they are not exciting. Alabama is going to win this one but a year from now no one will remember the game.
Best of 120 Minutes: There is only one thing better than the Pixies playing “I Bleed” and that is the Pixies with Weird Al Yankovic on lead vocals singing “I Bleed.”
The five random CDs for the week:
1) John Wesley Harding “Trad Arr Jones”
2) 10,000 Maniacs “MTV Unplugged”
3) Wayne Toups and Zydecajun “Back to the Bayou”
4) Ryan Adams “Easy Tiger”
5) Neko Case “The Tigers Have Spoken”
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Three
We are keeping with the bowl games though there is going to be a slight change. Tonight I will be looking at the non-BCS January games and I’ll post my BCS preview over the weekend. There are just a few too many games to cover in one night. On to the 2010 festivities.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Two
Time for part two of the Battling the Current Bowl Preview Palooza. Tonight we will look at the games from December 28 through the 31st also known as “Games featuring teams you have heard of in bowl games that you wouldn’t spend money to attend because they aren’t in January.” Here we go…
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part One
It’s time for one of Battling the Current’s favorite holiday traditions: the breakdown of every single bowl game in chronological order. The pageantry, the spectacle, the schools from non-existent states! Let’s get to it. Tonight, the games through December 27th also known as “The games for the teams whose season sucked but didn’t suck bad enough that it didn’t warrant one more game to show just how sucky they are.”
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
Monday, December 07, 2009
My kingdom for a coach
For those of you scoring at home, the Tiger Woods Skank-O-Meter is now up to 10 including our first porn star. I’m surprised that it has taken this long for someone from the, uh, “entertainment” industry to appear on the list. This does make it easier to cast the porn version of the story, though.
Also, for those people who are up in arms about the Tiger Wood sketch on Saturday Night Live you are missing the point. If you are going to complain, complain about the fact that given the best setup ever they still wrote an unfunny sketch. People are making a big deal that the sketch made life of spousal abuse (implying that Elin beat up Tiger, which is most likely true.) Ok, in a land of political correctness that is probably not a proper topic but since when is comedy supposed to be politically correct? The vengeful Swedish supermodel wrapping a golf club around his skull isn’t in bad taste; it is freaking hysterical.
What is striking me more now given the fact that Elin is being rumored to be moving out is that this all seems to have come as a complete surprise to her. I find it interesting in that I know that in some celebrity / athlete relationships that there is at least some degree of acceptance that cheating will occur. I in no way condone this but often it is the case. But on this one Tiger seemed to try to have his perfect marriage with everything else on the side and if that is the case I can’t say that I am sorry to see it all blow up in his face.
Random Thought of the Day: Why don’t we see any Gallagher specials anymore? Have we reached the point where destroying watermelons with a hammer is no longer funny? It is a sad day for society if that is the case.
I’ll end it tonight by speaking on some of the Notre Dame rumors. I’m still silently pulling for Bob Stoops though I doubt it will happen. I feel that in order to get a coach from a top program that coach will have to be a big enough prick to want to be able to have “rebuilt Notre Dame” on his resume for pride’s sake alone and Stoops seems to be a big enough douche to want that. Still don’t think it will happen. We might get Kelly from Cincy though I’ve watched that team the last two weeks and haven’t seen anything special yet. I’d rather get Harbaugh just because I like the guy.
Tate and Claussen are going pro and I can’t really blame either of them. After seeing Sam Bradford lose this entire year, and a few million, to injuries I can see why Claussen should get going while the going is good. The biggest knock on Tate’s game is his height and unless the new coach has some way of improving that I would test the draft as well.
Finally, on Weis’ comments on Pete Carroll. I mean, I don’t like the guy but I wouldn’t just toss allegations of him cheating on his wife out there. I mean, you should walk in his shoes first, which Charlie will be able to do once he wins a national championship and coaches a few Heisman winners.
Coming tomorrow: The bowl preview begins!!!
Also, for those people who are up in arms about the Tiger Wood sketch on Saturday Night Live you are missing the point. If you are going to complain, complain about the fact that given the best setup ever they still wrote an unfunny sketch. People are making a big deal that the sketch made life of spousal abuse (implying that Elin beat up Tiger, which is most likely true.) Ok, in a land of political correctness that is probably not a proper topic but since when is comedy supposed to be politically correct? The vengeful Swedish supermodel wrapping a golf club around his skull isn’t in bad taste; it is freaking hysterical.
What is striking me more now given the fact that Elin is being rumored to be moving out is that this all seems to have come as a complete surprise to her. I find it interesting in that I know that in some celebrity / athlete relationships that there is at least some degree of acceptance that cheating will occur. I in no way condone this but often it is the case. But on this one Tiger seemed to try to have his perfect marriage with everything else on the side and if that is the case I can’t say that I am sorry to see it all blow up in his face.
Random Thought of the Day: Why don’t we see any Gallagher specials anymore? Have we reached the point where destroying watermelons with a hammer is no longer funny? It is a sad day for society if that is the case.
I’ll end it tonight by speaking on some of the Notre Dame rumors. I’m still silently pulling for Bob Stoops though I doubt it will happen. I feel that in order to get a coach from a top program that coach will have to be a big enough prick to want to be able to have “rebuilt Notre Dame” on his resume for pride’s sake alone and Stoops seems to be a big enough douche to want that. Still don’t think it will happen. We might get Kelly from Cincy though I’ve watched that team the last two weeks and haven’t seen anything special yet. I’d rather get Harbaugh just because I like the guy.
Tate and Claussen are going pro and I can’t really blame either of them. After seeing Sam Bradford lose this entire year, and a few million, to injuries I can see why Claussen should get going while the going is good. The biggest knock on Tate’s game is his height and unless the new coach has some way of improving that I would test the draft as well.
Finally, on Weis’ comments on Pete Carroll. I mean, I don’t like the guy but I wouldn’t just toss allegations of him cheating on his wife out there. I mean, you should walk in his shoes first, which Charlie will be able to do once he wins a national championship and coaches a few Heisman winners.
Coming tomorrow: The bowl preview begins!!!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Delaware: Boredom Personified
Best Videos of the Decade: This is going to be a quick post tonight as I just got back from the airport. Much of my life is now spent in airports, which is not too surprising after you realize that I live in Delaware. I recently read a list of twenty famous people from Delaware and Judge Reinhold was on the list. That is how sad this state is. Judge Reinhold shouldn’t be able to make a list of the top twenty people named Judge Reinhold.
Anyway, on the music video front let’s turn to another band that was able to use music videos to make people notice that they are a kick ass groups. This is the video that turned me on to the White Stripes mainly because I had no idea exactly how they did this. Seriously, they may actually have done it all with Legos or they could have used computer graphics but I don’t really care because it just looks so awesome. And it plays into the song as well.
More stuff tomorrow. Right now I just feel like taking a nap.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Pearl Jam “Vitalogy”
2) Tiny Town “Tiny Town”
3) Lucinda Williams “World Without Tears”
4) Waco Brothers “WacoWorld”
5) Son Volt “Straightaways”
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Frosty is Legendary
Ok, if this isn’t the most awesome thing you see all day then that means either a) you are having a really awesome day or b) you are Neil Patrick Harris. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything, and I mean everything, is made better by the inclusion of Neil Patrick Harris.
Also, congrats to long time blog fave and vague acquaintance Neko Case on her two Grammy nominations today. Middle Cyclone was a killer album and she deserved the recognition for it. She gets added to a surprisingly decent sized list of people I’ve met who have gone on to some actual fame. Ok, not cover of US Weekly fame but at least famous enough to be nominated for shiny award statues.
I’m still following the Tiger Woods story if only to see what other reality stars are caught up in the mix. Oh what I would give for a way to get Tila Tequila involved in this. It would be the ultimate connection between my love of sports and my love of really bad reality shows. Anyway, the focus now is on the prenup agreement (see, always listen to Kanye) and what additional money may be headed Elin’s way. Apparently cheating sets up some sort of incentive bonus structure where simply not getting divorced will earn her tens of millions of dollars. So at this point she is being paid to be an actress, which actually ties to a point that I wanted to make.
Again people are still raising this issue as to whether this should be news or is it a private matter. I still point to the fact that Tiger is a billion dollar brand for being a man who can hit a small ball better than other people. Hitting a small ball does not equate to a billion dollars of income. That money is the cost of fame for the loss of privacy. Here is my example.
The cast of Friends each received roughly a million dollars an episode at one point. 6 friends times 25 episodes gives us $150 million dollars to do a job that isn’t technically that difficult. Yes, acting is challenging I know but I bet you could walk down the street in LA and find six other attractive people who would do the show for a thousand dollars a week and would not get incredibly fat over the course of a season like Matthew Perry. So here is my question, if I told you I was going to replace the cast of Friends with random actors who would work for a grand a week what would you contribute to the cause to keep the original cast?
At its peak, Friends averaged 25 million viewers a week. Every single one of those would need to donate $600 to keep the cast members on the air. The math just doesn’t add up. You can’t justify what you are paying the actors for what they are versus a cheaper equivalent. So what are you paying them for?
You’re paying them to deal with being famous. You are paying Matthew Perry to deal with the fact that pricks like me are going to spend a decade cracking jokes about him getting fat and having an issue with prescription meds. You are paying Courtney Cox to accept the fact that for some reason people will care about what clothes she is wearing to the mall. This fame and attention is all tied to the show. Since Friends has gone off the air have you seen any tabloid articles on Lisa Kudrow? Yes, Jennifer Aniston gets media play still but that is due to her former marriage to Brad Pitt. She is still caught up in Brad’s price of fame, made even worse because she isn’t getting anything for it.
When you become a celebrity you lose your privacy. It is part of the deal. That is what you are being paid for. I’m not saying that it is fair or even ethical but those are the rules of the game and you have to learn to live by them.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Tiger and the Tool Academy
People ask me all the time for relationship advice. I have one and only one rule. If you are going to cheat on your significant other do not do so with someone who has appeared on VH-1’s Tool Academy. If you have decided to hook up with someone who couldn’t even make the Rock of Love Bus then you have significant issues.
(Actually my only rule is don’t cheat. Ever.)
So in a story that I predicted days ago we finally get confirmation that Tiger Woods cheated on his Swedish model wife with various castoffs from reality shows. There are so many angles to this story that I am not sure I even know where to begin. I’m just going to hit on certain points as I see fit.
First off, did Tiger’s statement read a little stand offish to you? It was nice to see that he came forward regarding the allegations even though he never stated what those allegations were. Even more so, while he publically apologized to his family and his fans he stated that he felt that this was a private matter that did not require a public apology, which is a rather strange sentiment to take in a public apology. I have no doubt that his apology is sincere in the sense that he is admitting his wrongdoing. He just feels that it does not need to be in the court of public opinion.
This brings up the point about privacy and whether or not this should be a news story to which my response is: of course it is a news story. I know that people are viewing Tiger as a golfer and a celebrity and that marital infidelities do not warrant full media coverage. Except that Tiger is not a celebrity, he is a billion dollar brand. That is not hyperbole, Tiger is expected to be the first athlete to earn a billion dollars and it is not going to be from golf tournaments. It is from endorsements and sponsorships that all stem from the Tiger Woods image of excellence and perfection and a clean cut, family man image. This isn’t Fred Funk we are talking about, who no one would recognize on the street. This is one of the ten most famous people in the world. His entire life is fair game. That is what the money for endorsements is for. You are trading your privacy for cash.
(And for at least a little perspective, Phil Mickelson’s wife being diagnosed with breast cancer was also a news story. Not as much coverage of course but it shows a precedent for a private matter becoming public record.)
Tiger’s image is going to take a significant hit. It won’t ruin his advertising career (if Kobe Bryant can have a best selling jersey then I think Tiger can recover) but it will definitely make him much more human and maybe not in a good way. The stories just seem to remove the nice guy image. Having an affair when your wife is seven months pregnant just makes you a complete jerk and that is the nicest language one can use. I’m sure many people would have much more colorful sentiments to add. His voice mail cover up message to the Tool Academy alumni doesn’t help his cause either. It all just makes him look like a douche and a prick.
Why did he do it? I bet he just wanted to see if he can. I don’t think he cared about consequences at all. At some point when you have so much money, so much fame you begin to think that you live under a different set of rules. Sometimes you do things just because you can without thinking about the result. It happens all the time and when it does, well, someone ends up with half your stuff.
(Also, in the biggest story that got overlooked today Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. I have been awaiting Skippy’s response on the matter, or at a minimum a Tina Yothers sighting, but so far the blogosphere has been rather quiet. I don’t know if Meredith is happy or pissed as hell about the Tiger story. For years you are holding this secret and when you finally let it be known to the world who you truly are in two hours the story is forgotten because of a golfer. Just doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Oh, and we’re invading Afghanistan or something. It’s probably not important.)
Best Videos of the Decade: One of the nice things about living in the YouTube age is that killer videos no longer need to be million dollar spectacles. We have finally gotten past the age of the mini-movie especially now that Mr. Jackson is no longer with us. Now all you need to be popular is a video camera and a cute idea. Enter Ok Go, a band that is only known because they are quirky. Here is where simplicity and popularity meet.
(Actually my only rule is don’t cheat. Ever.)
So in a story that I predicted days ago we finally get confirmation that Tiger Woods cheated on his Swedish model wife with various castoffs from reality shows. There are so many angles to this story that I am not sure I even know where to begin. I’m just going to hit on certain points as I see fit.
First off, did Tiger’s statement read a little stand offish to you? It was nice to see that he came forward regarding the allegations even though he never stated what those allegations were. Even more so, while he publically apologized to his family and his fans he stated that he felt that this was a private matter that did not require a public apology, which is a rather strange sentiment to take in a public apology. I have no doubt that his apology is sincere in the sense that he is admitting his wrongdoing. He just feels that it does not need to be in the court of public opinion.
This brings up the point about privacy and whether or not this should be a news story to which my response is: of course it is a news story. I know that people are viewing Tiger as a golfer and a celebrity and that marital infidelities do not warrant full media coverage. Except that Tiger is not a celebrity, he is a billion dollar brand. That is not hyperbole, Tiger is expected to be the first athlete to earn a billion dollars and it is not going to be from golf tournaments. It is from endorsements and sponsorships that all stem from the Tiger Woods image of excellence and perfection and a clean cut, family man image. This isn’t Fred Funk we are talking about, who no one would recognize on the street. This is one of the ten most famous people in the world. His entire life is fair game. That is what the money for endorsements is for. You are trading your privacy for cash.
(And for at least a little perspective, Phil Mickelson’s wife being diagnosed with breast cancer was also a news story. Not as much coverage of course but it shows a precedent for a private matter becoming public record.)
Tiger’s image is going to take a significant hit. It won’t ruin his advertising career (if Kobe Bryant can have a best selling jersey then I think Tiger can recover) but it will definitely make him much more human and maybe not in a good way. The stories just seem to remove the nice guy image. Having an affair when your wife is seven months pregnant just makes you a complete jerk and that is the nicest language one can use. I’m sure many people would have much more colorful sentiments to add. His voice mail cover up message to the Tool Academy alumni doesn’t help his cause either. It all just makes him look like a douche and a prick.
Why did he do it? I bet he just wanted to see if he can. I don’t think he cared about consequences at all. At some point when you have so much money, so much fame you begin to think that you live under a different set of rules. Sometimes you do things just because you can without thinking about the result. It happens all the time and when it does, well, someone ends up with half your stuff.
(Also, in the biggest story that got overlooked today Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. I have been awaiting Skippy’s response on the matter, or at a minimum a Tina Yothers sighting, but so far the blogosphere has been rather quiet. I don’t know if Meredith is happy or pissed as hell about the Tiger story. For years you are holding this secret and when you finally let it be known to the world who you truly are in two hours the story is forgotten because of a golfer. Just doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Oh, and we’re invading Afghanistan or something. It’s probably not important.)
Best Videos of the Decade: One of the nice things about living in the YouTube age is that killer videos no longer need to be million dollar spectacles. We have finally gotten past the age of the mini-movie especially now that Mr. Jackson is no longer with us. Now all you need to be popular is a video camera and a cute idea. Enter Ok Go, a band that is only known because they are quirky. Here is where simplicity and popularity meet.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Christmas Shopping Guide 2009
It’s December and we all know what that means: time to stimulate the economy by shopping. Tonight I will be bringing you some of the must have toys of the season. Remember parents, if you do not have these under the tree on Christmas morning it means that your children will grow up hating you and will spend their entire adult telling their therapist how detached you were until they decide to put you in the low-end nursing home. No pressure though.
Zhu Zhu Hamsters: I always love it when the must have toy of the year is dumber than anything that I wanted as a kid. No one could ever fault my desire for the Death Star playset but you have to wonder why we all needed to have a Sit and Spin. It was the only toy that was less exciting than just spinning yourself in a circle really fast until you got dizzy. But even that looks like the epoch of toy making when compared to robot hamsters.
Yes, the top toy of the season are robot hamsters with individual personalities such as the one who likes to eat, which is rather disconcerting given that it is a robot and therefore doesn’t have to eat. And don’t even get me started on the laidback, surfer hamster as I believe it breaks the laws of physics. It’s bad enough that we are giving our children a national debt that is unsustainable and a planet that consists mainly of concrete and smog but now we can’t even give them good toys.
(Also, I am so pissed that I did not invent this first. Do you know how many robot animals I have made in my lifetime? Robot squirrels, robot wildebeests, I even made robot bunny rabbits that would actually procreate like, well, rabbits. I thought they would teach kids the importance of spaying and neutering.)
DJ Hero: From the makers of Guitar Hero (where people with absolutely no talent get to act like they can play guitar and pretend to be famous, much like Sleater – Kinney) and Band Hero (where in addition to guitar you can clumsily play bass and drums while singing off key all while professing your immense talent, which is surprisingly also like Sleater – Kinney) comes this latest edition in the fake being a musician line of titles. Except that you are faking being a musician who fakes being a musician. Yes, no longer do you need the skill of choosing a record and pressing play to be a DJ. Now those songs are chosen for you. This is roughly the musical version of Excel Hero.
Nerf N-Strike: When I was a wee lad Nerf provided you with a number of ball related toys. You had the Nerf football, which allowed you to play football in the yard easier with the added bonus that it did not hurt quite as much when it was whipped at you out of spite. You also had the Nerf basketball and rim, high on my list of my personal favorites due to the endless bedroom dunkathons and one of my mom’s least favorite toys as she had to deal with four boys who decided to turn their upstairs bedrooms into the Chicago Stadium. But now Nerf has apparently decided to branch out and become an international arms dealer.
Seriously, this is a toy gun? This really doesn’t fall into the cops and robbers category. More like “Organized tactical assault on a heavily fortified compound.” I’m not sure that seven year olds need to be trained as to how to properly operate chain loaded machine guns. Though as an adult I have to say I so want one of these.
Transformers Constructicon Devastator: Yes, I have reached the age where my past is being mined for children’s toys. In this case we have a reimagining of the Constructicons: Five Decpeticons who hide out as construction machines until they transform Voltron style to form the mighty Devastator, who in a rather neat bit of irony can only destroy things. In my time these were little green toy robots who were pretty meaningless by themselves but all sorts of awesome in their combined form. Now, well, it still looks pretty kick ass. I might need another degree in engineering to design it but it still looks kick ass.
Zhu Zhu Hamsters: I always love it when the must have toy of the year is dumber than anything that I wanted as a kid. No one could ever fault my desire for the Death Star playset but you have to wonder why we all needed to have a Sit and Spin. It was the only toy that was less exciting than just spinning yourself in a circle really fast until you got dizzy. But even that looks like the epoch of toy making when compared to robot hamsters.
Yes, the top toy of the season are robot hamsters with individual personalities such as the one who likes to eat, which is rather disconcerting given that it is a robot and therefore doesn’t have to eat. And don’t even get me started on the laidback, surfer hamster as I believe it breaks the laws of physics. It’s bad enough that we are giving our children a national debt that is unsustainable and a planet that consists mainly of concrete and smog but now we can’t even give them good toys.
(Also, I am so pissed that I did not invent this first. Do you know how many robot animals I have made in my lifetime? Robot squirrels, robot wildebeests, I even made robot bunny rabbits that would actually procreate like, well, rabbits. I thought they would teach kids the importance of spaying and neutering.)
DJ Hero: From the makers of Guitar Hero (where people with absolutely no talent get to act like they can play guitar and pretend to be famous, much like Sleater – Kinney) and Band Hero (where in addition to guitar you can clumsily play bass and drums while singing off key all while professing your immense talent, which is surprisingly also like Sleater – Kinney) comes this latest edition in the fake being a musician line of titles. Except that you are faking being a musician who fakes being a musician. Yes, no longer do you need the skill of choosing a record and pressing play to be a DJ. Now those songs are chosen for you. This is roughly the musical version of Excel Hero.
Nerf N-Strike: When I was a wee lad Nerf provided you with a number of ball related toys. You had the Nerf football, which allowed you to play football in the yard easier with the added bonus that it did not hurt quite as much when it was whipped at you out of spite. You also had the Nerf basketball and rim, high on my list of my personal favorites due to the endless bedroom dunkathons and one of my mom’s least favorite toys as she had to deal with four boys who decided to turn their upstairs bedrooms into the Chicago Stadium. But now Nerf has apparently decided to branch out and become an international arms dealer.
Seriously, this is a toy gun? This really doesn’t fall into the cops and robbers category. More like “Organized tactical assault on a heavily fortified compound.” I’m not sure that seven year olds need to be trained as to how to properly operate chain loaded machine guns. Though as an adult I have to say I so want one of these.
Transformers Constructicon Devastator: Yes, I have reached the age where my past is being mined for children’s toys. In this case we have a reimagining of the Constructicons: Five Decpeticons who hide out as construction machines until they transform Voltron style to form the mighty Devastator, who in a rather neat bit of irony can only destroy things. In my time these were little green toy robots who were pretty meaningless by themselves but all sorts of awesome in their combined form. Now, well, it still looks pretty kick ass. I might need another degree in engineering to design it but it still looks kick ass.Monday, November 30, 2009
Life's little annoyances
When you have the same commute every day little things take on a great deal of significance and annoyance. I had a great example of one of these today. I found myself behind a loaner Lexus on a two lane road. This isn’t too big of a deal, it’s nice to know that a dealership will still lend out loaner vehicles, but I noticed that the car had its window wipers on when it wasn’t raining. And continued to have the window wipers on for the entire fifteen minutes that I followed it.
You would not believe how much this upset me. It was even worse than when you follow someone with their turn signal on. Sure, that drives you up the wall but at least you understand how it could happen. We all have left a turn signal on only to notice twenty or thirty seconds later. It is easy to miss. But how the hell can you not notice that your windshield wipers are on? Even in an unfamiliar car it shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out how to turn them off. Given that it is a loaner car it is not as though it should be in bad condition. I just got more pissed off every time I looked through the windshield and saw those blades flip across. Made me wonder how they got their hands on a Lexus in the first place.
Anyway, so we fired Charlie Weis today. That means we won’t have him to kick around anymore, which is kind of a shame since he was a rather large target. My choice to fill his sweatshirt is Mark Mangino. I think we can all agree that our hope of having a talented, inspiring coach on the Notre Dame sideline is pretty much a pipe dream. Instead I think we should just focus on hiring fatter and fatter coaches until TLC dedicates a camera crew to the team to film their “800 pound coach” special. If anyone can explain to me what those shows on hyper-obese people have to do with learning I am all ears. All it teaches me to do is put down the sandwich.
Tiger Woods Update: He will not play in his own tournament and is likely out until the start of next year. Also, one of his friends has stated that he is in the market for a “Kobe special.” I’m guessing that he is going to go shopping at Jared’s. Because what is the 13 letter answer to “What does a guy do after hooking up with a skank in Australia who then brags about it to all of her friends in New York?”
It is interesting to see that other people are picking up on whether or not this should be a story or not. If this is indicative of an affair or spousal abuse does not at the moment impact whether he makes a 20 foot putt. But since Tiger Woods is a billion dollar brand built upon being a squeaky clean image this is a huge story. If John Mallinger had this happen to him it would not even have made the ESPN ticker. Who is John Mallinger? He was the 50th best golfer in the world last year bringing in $1.7 million. Tiger Woods is paid for being a celebrity that is what endorsement dollars are for. In return for those payments you lose the right to privacy. Yes, in a perfect world we would let Tiger sort this out on his own but we all want to see our heroes get dirty. It makes them human.
You would not believe how much this upset me. It was even worse than when you follow someone with their turn signal on. Sure, that drives you up the wall but at least you understand how it could happen. We all have left a turn signal on only to notice twenty or thirty seconds later. It is easy to miss. But how the hell can you not notice that your windshield wipers are on? Even in an unfamiliar car it shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out how to turn them off. Given that it is a loaner car it is not as though it should be in bad condition. I just got more pissed off every time I looked through the windshield and saw those blades flip across. Made me wonder how they got their hands on a Lexus in the first place.
Anyway, so we fired Charlie Weis today. That means we won’t have him to kick around anymore, which is kind of a shame since he was a rather large target. My choice to fill his sweatshirt is Mark Mangino. I think we can all agree that our hope of having a talented, inspiring coach on the Notre Dame sideline is pretty much a pipe dream. Instead I think we should just focus on hiring fatter and fatter coaches until TLC dedicates a camera crew to the team to film their “800 pound coach” special. If anyone can explain to me what those shows on hyper-obese people have to do with learning I am all ears. All it teaches me to do is put down the sandwich.
Tiger Woods Update: He will not play in his own tournament and is likely out until the start of next year. Also, one of his friends has stated that he is in the market for a “Kobe special.” I’m guessing that he is going to go shopping at Jared’s. Because what is the 13 letter answer to “What does a guy do after hooking up with a skank in Australia who then brags about it to all of her friends in New York?”
It is interesting to see that other people are picking up on whether or not this should be a story or not. If this is indicative of an affair or spousal abuse does not at the moment impact whether he makes a 20 foot putt. But since Tiger Woods is a billion dollar brand built upon being a squeaky clean image this is a huge story. If John Mallinger had this happen to him it would not even have made the ESPN ticker. Who is John Mallinger? He was the 50th best golfer in the world last year bringing in $1.7 million. Tiger Woods is paid for being a celebrity that is what endorsement dollars are for. In return for those payments you lose the right to privacy. Yes, in a perfect world we would let Tiger sort this out on his own but we all want to see our heroes get dirty. It makes them human.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tiger Woods: Threat or Menace?
Time for me to play my favorite pastime: Speculating on events that I know nothing about and in all reality have no impact on my day to day existence. Today’s topic: Tiger Woods.
Let’s start with what we can actually state as facts. On Wednesday the National Enquirer reported a rumor that Tiger Woods had known a 34 year old NYC woman who was not his wife in the biblical sense. Said woman is also well known for spending much of her time pursuing famous people and uh, looking vaguely plastic based on the pictures. (Seriously, she looks like someone who works the afternoon shift at a strip club.) At 2 in the morning on Thanksgiving night Tiger Woods ran his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree on his property resulting in a) his wife needing an eight iron to remove him from the car and b) a trip to the hospital for Tiger. Everything else is officially speculation at this point.
Now I will be breaking this down from various angles over the next couple of days as more information comes out. So far our theories are a) this was a simple car accident, b) he was caught cheating on his wife who responded by beating him up, running him out of the house and knocking the back window out of his car causing the accident or c) which is basically b except that he didn’t cheat on his wife. But right now I want to focus on two aspects of what makes this a story because in reality the entire event should be a non-story.
The reason this caught everyone’s attention is because the story broke as “Tiger Woods in car accident and is hospitalized in serious condition.” I mean, they went to John Saunders in the studio during my Illinois – Cincy game to make this known. This made everyone stop and wonder how badly was he injured or how this would impact his golf game. Those words “serious conditions” indicate to most people that while he wasn’t about to die there was a good chance that he was in surgery at the moment, which wasn’t the case at all. When the story broke he was already out of the hospital. If the story was “Tiger Woods in minor car accident, taken to the hospital for facial lacerations and released” no one would really care. If there really is a cover up at play in the background then Tiger should fire his PR person for making this sound much more serious than it actually is.
But this leads us into the other point, which is why do we care about this in the first place? Again, very few people are directly tied to Tiger Woods so his health and safety, while meaningful on a personal level, has no impact on day to day existence. Tiger falls into a rather interesting category though as he has been for around fifteen years now a constant in the media landscape. He is the pinnacle of his sport made even more of a spotlight as in it is a purely solo sport. The camera is always on him during a tournament. Watching the final round of the Masters is essentially like walking the course for four hours with Tiger. Even Jordan did not have that level of detail as there were always other stars on the court at the same time.
Adding to this are his endorsements, which have made him the first billion dollar athlete. The image has always been one of a clean cut, driven and determined athlete. The only flaws to him are that he is too much of a perfectionist but that is played off via his natural humor. He is the perfect pitchman, excellent in his field and on the screen with no baggage looming in the background. So even a minor accident becomes news and tie that with the possibility that our hero may be flawed and this becomes a feeding frenzy. There is nothing we like to do more as a culture than build up our idols and then tear them down when they fail us even if their failures have no impact on our lives.
I’ll keep an eye on the media circus this week. This story has some definite legs to it.
Best Videos of the Decade: For this last month of the year (ok, we aren’t into December yet but the Christmas season is in full swing so go with me) I will be taking some time to highlight some of the best music videos of the decade. Given that this has been the decade that marked the end of MTV as having anything to do with music this may be a little easier than one would think. There still were some excellent examples of art with first and foremost being the video for Johnny Cash’s “Hurt.” If this doesn’t give you chills you officially have no soul.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blake Babies “God Bless the Blake Babies”
2) Keb Mo’ “Keb Mo’”
3) Guster “Lost and Gone Forever”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Big Iron World”
5) Pearl Jam “Ten”
Let’s start with what we can actually state as facts. On Wednesday the National Enquirer reported a rumor that Tiger Woods had known a 34 year old NYC woman who was not his wife in the biblical sense. Said woman is also well known for spending much of her time pursuing famous people and uh, looking vaguely plastic based on the pictures. (Seriously, she looks like someone who works the afternoon shift at a strip club.) At 2 in the morning on Thanksgiving night Tiger Woods ran his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree on his property resulting in a) his wife needing an eight iron to remove him from the car and b) a trip to the hospital for Tiger. Everything else is officially speculation at this point.
Now I will be breaking this down from various angles over the next couple of days as more information comes out. So far our theories are a) this was a simple car accident, b) he was caught cheating on his wife who responded by beating him up, running him out of the house and knocking the back window out of his car causing the accident or c) which is basically b except that he didn’t cheat on his wife. But right now I want to focus on two aspects of what makes this a story because in reality the entire event should be a non-story.
The reason this caught everyone’s attention is because the story broke as “Tiger Woods in car accident and is hospitalized in serious condition.” I mean, they went to John Saunders in the studio during my Illinois – Cincy game to make this known. This made everyone stop and wonder how badly was he injured or how this would impact his golf game. Those words “serious conditions” indicate to most people that while he wasn’t about to die there was a good chance that he was in surgery at the moment, which wasn’t the case at all. When the story broke he was already out of the hospital. If the story was “Tiger Woods in minor car accident, taken to the hospital for facial lacerations and released” no one would really care. If there really is a cover up at play in the background then Tiger should fire his PR person for making this sound much more serious than it actually is.
But this leads us into the other point, which is why do we care about this in the first place? Again, very few people are directly tied to Tiger Woods so his health and safety, while meaningful on a personal level, has no impact on day to day existence. Tiger falls into a rather interesting category though as he has been for around fifteen years now a constant in the media landscape. He is the pinnacle of his sport made even more of a spotlight as in it is a purely solo sport. The camera is always on him during a tournament. Watching the final round of the Masters is essentially like walking the course for four hours with Tiger. Even Jordan did not have that level of detail as there were always other stars on the court at the same time.
Adding to this are his endorsements, which have made him the first billion dollar athlete. The image has always been one of a clean cut, driven and determined athlete. The only flaws to him are that he is too much of a perfectionist but that is played off via his natural humor. He is the perfect pitchman, excellent in his field and on the screen with no baggage looming in the background. So even a minor accident becomes news and tie that with the possibility that our hero may be flawed and this becomes a feeding frenzy. There is nothing we like to do more as a culture than build up our idols and then tear them down when they fail us even if their failures have no impact on our lives.
I’ll keep an eye on the media circus this week. This story has some definite legs to it.
Best Videos of the Decade: For this last month of the year (ok, we aren’t into December yet but the Christmas season is in full swing so go with me) I will be taking some time to highlight some of the best music videos of the decade. Given that this has been the decade that marked the end of MTV as having anything to do with music this may be a little easier than one would think. There still were some excellent examples of art with first and foremost being the video for Johnny Cash’s “Hurt.” If this doesn’t give you chills you officially have no soul.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blake Babies “God Bless the Blake Babies”
2) Keb Mo’ “Keb Mo’”
3) Guster “Lost and Gone Forever”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Big Iron World”
5) Pearl Jam “Ten”
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Your 2009 Holiday Viewing Guide
It is time for that annual holiday tradition: My overview of the Holiday television schedule. Yes, this is my opportunity to inform you of the best choices for your viewing options. All times are CST, channels are listed, and I promise you I am not making these shows up.
Thursday, November 26th
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I recommend building a time machine to fully enjoy this annual treat. Besides featuring the classic ginat balloons of Kermit, Garfield and a smurf we also were treated to lip synched performances by every vaguely teen performer in existence, all of whom seem to be rocking emo bangs. Yes, I am now at the point where I look at the TV and yell, "Get a haircut you damn hippie!"
Home Alone (11 AM, FX): Macauley Culkin woke up in a hangover daze this morning, turned on the television and saw that the highlight of his life consisted of several acts of horrible violence against Joe Pesci. Come to think of it, that would be the highlight of anyone's life.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (7 PM, Comedy Central): The popularity of Jeff Dunham amazes me. Heck, the fact that this guy has a career stuns me. Who the hell gets a ventriloquism bit to work for fifteen years? He even sells CDs. You know how easy it is to ventriloquism on a CD?
Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau (11 PM, CMT): Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like Larry the Cable Guy and vague Hawaiian themes. Some people ask how I can be such a cynical bastard during the holiday season. To them I present Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau. By the time you finish watching it you will want to punt an elf.
Friday, November 27
The Santa Clause (8 PM, TBS): Remember when Tim Allen was funny? Yeah, me neither.
Saturday, November 28
Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas (9 AM, ABC Family): A pair of moose (mooses?, meeses?) discover Santa's workshop and disclose the horrific sweatshop conditions maintained inside. Nice to see a change of pace regarding our holiday creatures, though.
The National Tree (7 PM, Hallmark): Andrew McCarthy (better known as that other guy in every movie you watched in the 1980's) helps his son haul an evergreen to DC. I assume they are using a truck of some sort though a father and son heroically dragging a tree down the highway would be inspiring. Instead I assume that this just discusses the importance of maintaining proper air pressure in your tires.
Sunday, November 29
A Christmas Carol (1 PM, Hallmark): The tale of how dedication and perserverence to one's chosen field will result in admiration and respect amongst one's fellow man. George C. Scott version.
A Dog Named Christmas (8 PM, CBS): Having met two dogs named Valentine this year I think that even I will get misty eyed about a show in which a young man helps out a shelter's adoption program.
Larry the Cable Guy Star Studded Christmas Spectacular (10:30 PM, CMT): Yes, not only one but two Larry the Cable Guy Christmas specials. This one featuring Toby Keith, Montgomery Gentry and and Jeff Foxworthy! You know how you might be a redneck? If you find yourself watching a Larry the Cable Guy Christmas special at 10:30 on a Sunday Night in November.
Monday, November 30
Naughty or Nice (7 PM, ABC Family): A sick boy convinces a Chicago shock jock (admirally protrayed by George Lopez) to be nice for one day. If believing in Santa is too easy, just try wrapping your head around George Lopez having a successful radio career or a shock jock doing anything remotely noble.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The tale of how Whoville's existence of decadence and depravity is overturned by one brave individual who has a body three times to large for his heart. I'm sorry but Whoville totally got what they deserved.
Tuesday, December 1
The Year Without a Santa Claus (6 PM, ABC Family): Come for the Heat Miser and Snow Miser, stay for....do you really need a reason to stay? We're talking the Heat Miser! An all time great.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The best ever. Hands down even if said hands are holding Dolly Madison Zingers. Snoopy's portrayals of all the animals in the bible, the kids dancing and the little tree that just needs a little love. No, I'm not crying just thinking about it. It's just a little dusty in here that is all.
Disney Prep and Landing (7:30 PM, ABC): So after spending the past half hour reliving your childhood with one of the most touching programs ever produced why not stay tuned for a crass comercial about how elves (sponsored by Disney) prepare houses for Santa's arrival (also sponsored by Disney.) Remember kids, if your toys don't say Disney it means that your parents don't really love you.
Wednesday, December 2
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): Still should be referred to by it's original title: Hermie the Misfit Elf and Friends. That said, I will watch this show just for the line, "She thinks I'm cute!" That and maybe I will finally find out what games reindeer actually play. I'm guessing No Limit Hold'Em but that is a little passe.
Thursday, December 3
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): A reminder to all budding entrepreneurs to carefully choose their accountants to avoid any unneccessary discussions as to what constitutes a proper deduction. Reginald Owen version.
A Diva's Christmas Carol (7 PM, Hallmark): See above, except replace accountant with assistant and Reginald Owen with that Miss America contestant who was nude in Playboy.
Saturday, December 5
12 Men of Christmas (8 PM, Lifetime): Kristin Chenoweth stars as a New Yorker who must skip town after a disastorous office party. Yes, it is either the SEC Title Game or this and Kristin Chenoweth does make it a little bit of a tough decision. Odds of a Meredith Baxter-Birney sighting: 60 %.
Monday, December 7
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My absolute favorite special. I just liked one that featured an incredibly smart mouse with glasses as the main character who ruins Christmas and then has to try to redeem himself. Any analogies to myself there are purely incidental.
Cranberry Christmas (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Here is the preview, direct from the Chicago Sun-Times "A meanie wants to take away the Cranberryport skating bog." Please give your thoughts on whatever the hell this might mean in the comments because I haven't a freaking clue.
Jack Frost (9 PM, ABC Family): I am going to assume that this is not the horror film starring a killer snowman but given they had just had a show about a skating bog I really can't be sure.
Tuesday, December 8
Mickey's Christmas Carrol (6 PM, ABC Family): Explains the true meaning of Christmas. Does not explain how Goofy is a dog that can walk and talk while Pluto is a dog who is, well, a dog. Scrooge McDuck version.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): From the A.A. Milne classic tale of Santa Claus. Sigh. I'd like to make more fun of this but as a kid I so loved the stories because of Christopher Robin (the only character who had the same first name as me.) I'll probably end up taping this and then complaining about how the room is dusty every time I watch.
A Miser Brothers Christmas (8 PM, ABC Family): Finally someone gets the point. All Miser Brothers, all the time. They should have their own sitcom.
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8:30 PM, ABC Family): For the record, it is two and a half weeks before Christmas and we have a New Year's Special. First Valentine's Day special is planned for December 20th.
Friday, December 11
Yes, Virginia (7 PM, CBS): A skeptical girl asks a newspaper for the truth about Santa, a more in depth discussion of the health care bills and a comics section that is awesome like it was when we had Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side. Also inquires the staff as to why they are employed in a dying industry.
The Flight Before Christmas (7:30 PM, CBS): Again from the Sun Times "Ambitious reindeer tries to find missing father." Thus, this story might really be a tale of parental abandonment as his father takes flight before the holidays much in the manner of "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes." This implies a much more complex social structure in the reindeer community than I have ever imagined.
Saturday, December 12
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (8 AM, ABC Family): I am slowly getting the feeling that ABC Family just bought up the rights to every show with Christmas in its title. I'm assuming that he uses his long ears to fly in a helicopter fashion to help lower Santa into chimneys.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): And I complained about the New Year's Special. Why aren't they showing this in July? And since when did Rudolph and Frosty form some sort of magical Christmas tag-team? I expect to see them in a double Russian chain match against the Miser Brothers.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still have not seen this movie. I am not kidding. I know that it is a holiday staple but I simply have never sat down to watch it. It just wasn't in my family's rotation. Apologies to those who feel that this makes me pure evil.
Sunday, December 13
Santa Baby (5 PM, ABC Family): Jenny McCarthy stars as Santa's efficiency expert daughter who must fill her old man's shoes when he falls ill. The logical inconsistencies present in the "Jenny McCarthy" and "efficiency expert" makes this one sound like a twelve egg nog special.
The Christmas Blessing (5 PM, Lifetime Movie): Neil Patrick Harris. You don't even need a plot description; it stars Neil Patrick Harris. If that isn't enough to make you watch nothing will.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (7 PM, ABC Family): My god, they made a sequel. And her first name is apparently Mary. I think I am losing brain cells just by typing this.
The Christmas Hope (7 PM, Lifetime Movie): A foster child wins over a couple starring Madeline Stowe thus answering the question "Whatever happened to Madeline Stowe?"
Christmas at the White House (9 PM, ABC): Oprah grills the president on his foreign policy decisions.
Tuesday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Can't have too many Peanuts specials, especially ones featuring Rerun. If you need to think up a quick present for me anything related to Charles Schulz is usually a good choice.
Friday, December 18
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Ok, raise your hands. How many of you cried when Frosty has to go away? I thought so. Maybe the most heart wrenching Christmas special ever. You fall in love with the big guy and then he vanishes and there is nothing that you can do about it. Great lesson to teach children.
Frosty Returns (7:30 PM, CBS): Well, maybe his disappearance wasn't so permanent after all.
Tuesday, December 22
A Very Brady Christmas (Noon, ABC Family): I have a problem with this. The holidays are all about nostalgia, which is why I am writing about shows that I remember watching thirty years ago. Yet this is a special in which Christmas nostalgia is combined with old TV show nostalgia and it is just too much.
Once Upon a Christmas (2 PM, ABC Family): Santa's Daughter again must try to save the day. In this instance, Santa's daughter is played by Kathy Ireland. I consider that an upgrade.
Twice Upon a Christmas (4 PM, ABC Family): For crying out loud, how many movies about Santa's daughters featuring former pin up models are there? Are there a whole bunch starring Elle McPhereson that I am somehow missing?
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TNT): Jean-Luc Picard version. Set phasers to awesome. Let's see those ghosts try to mess with Scrooge this time.
Christmas Eve
A Christmas Story (7 PM and on continual loop, TBS): Peter Billingsly directed Couples Retreat and was executive producer for Iron Man. I have no idea what significance that hold but really what else can one say about this film. I really think that it has become so popular that everyone should take a few years off from watching it just so it can regain a bit of its awesomeness. And trust me, it is awesome.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (2 AM, WGN): Because what better way to enjoy the holidays than by watching a fireplace on your TV.
Enjoy the holidays everyone!
Thursday, November 26th
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I recommend building a time machine to fully enjoy this annual treat. Besides featuring the classic ginat balloons of Kermit, Garfield and a smurf we also were treated to lip synched performances by every vaguely teen performer in existence, all of whom seem to be rocking emo bangs. Yes, I am now at the point where I look at the TV and yell, "Get a haircut you damn hippie!"
Home Alone (11 AM, FX): Macauley Culkin woke up in a hangover daze this morning, turned on the television and saw that the highlight of his life consisted of several acts of horrible violence against Joe Pesci. Come to think of it, that would be the highlight of anyone's life.
Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special (7 PM, Comedy Central): The popularity of Jeff Dunham amazes me. Heck, the fact that this guy has a career stuns me. Who the hell gets a ventriloquism bit to work for fifteen years? He even sells CDs. You know how easy it is to ventriloquism on a CD?
Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau (11 PM, CMT): Nothing gets me in the holiday spirit quite like Larry the Cable Guy and vague Hawaiian themes. Some people ask how I can be such a cynical bastard during the holiday season. To them I present Larry the Cable Guy's Hula-Palooza Christmas Luau. By the time you finish watching it you will want to punt an elf.
Friday, November 27
The Santa Clause (8 PM, TBS): Remember when Tim Allen was funny? Yeah, me neither.
Saturday, November 28
Holly and Hal Moose: Our Uplifting Christmas (9 AM, ABC Family): A pair of moose (mooses?, meeses?) discover Santa's workshop and disclose the horrific sweatshop conditions maintained inside. Nice to see a change of pace regarding our holiday creatures, though.
The National Tree (7 PM, Hallmark): Andrew McCarthy (better known as that other guy in every movie you watched in the 1980's) helps his son haul an evergreen to DC. I assume they are using a truck of some sort though a father and son heroically dragging a tree down the highway would be inspiring. Instead I assume that this just discusses the importance of maintaining proper air pressure in your tires.
Sunday, November 29
A Christmas Carol (1 PM, Hallmark): The tale of how dedication and perserverence to one's chosen field will result in admiration and respect amongst one's fellow man. George C. Scott version.
A Dog Named Christmas (8 PM, CBS): Having met two dogs named Valentine this year I think that even I will get misty eyed about a show in which a young man helps out a shelter's adoption program.
Larry the Cable Guy Star Studded Christmas Spectacular (10:30 PM, CMT): Yes, not only one but two Larry the Cable Guy Christmas specials. This one featuring Toby Keith, Montgomery Gentry and and Jeff Foxworthy! You know how you might be a redneck? If you find yourself watching a Larry the Cable Guy Christmas special at 10:30 on a Sunday Night in November.
Monday, November 30
Naughty or Nice (7 PM, ABC Family): A sick boy convinces a Chicago shock jock (admirally protrayed by George Lopez) to be nice for one day. If believing in Santa is too easy, just try wrapping your head around George Lopez having a successful radio career or a shock jock doing anything remotely noble.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The tale of how Whoville's existence of decadence and depravity is overturned by one brave individual who has a body three times to large for his heart. I'm sorry but Whoville totally got what they deserved.
Tuesday, December 1
The Year Without a Santa Claus (6 PM, ABC Family): Come for the Heat Miser and Snow Miser, stay for....do you really need a reason to stay? We're talking the Heat Miser! An all time great.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The best ever. Hands down even if said hands are holding Dolly Madison Zingers. Snoopy's portrayals of all the animals in the bible, the kids dancing and the little tree that just needs a little love. No, I'm not crying just thinking about it. It's just a little dusty in here that is all.
Disney Prep and Landing (7:30 PM, ABC): So after spending the past half hour reliving your childhood with one of the most touching programs ever produced why not stay tuned for a crass comercial about how elves (sponsored by Disney) prepare houses for Santa's arrival (also sponsored by Disney.) Remember kids, if your toys don't say Disney it means that your parents don't really love you.
Wednesday, December 2
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): Still should be referred to by it's original title: Hermie the Misfit Elf and Friends. That said, I will watch this show just for the line, "She thinks I'm cute!" That and maybe I will finally find out what games reindeer actually play. I'm guessing No Limit Hold'Em but that is a little passe.
Thursday, December 3
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): A reminder to all budding entrepreneurs to carefully choose their accountants to avoid any unneccessary discussions as to what constitutes a proper deduction. Reginald Owen version.
A Diva's Christmas Carol (7 PM, Hallmark): See above, except replace accountant with assistant and Reginald Owen with that Miss America contestant who was nude in Playboy.
Saturday, December 5
12 Men of Christmas (8 PM, Lifetime): Kristin Chenoweth stars as a New Yorker who must skip town after a disastorous office party. Yes, it is either the SEC Title Game or this and Kristin Chenoweth does make it a little bit of a tough decision. Odds of a Meredith Baxter-Birney sighting: 60 %.
Monday, December 7
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (6 PM, ABC Family): My absolute favorite special. I just liked one that featured an incredibly smart mouse with glasses as the main character who ruins Christmas and then has to try to redeem himself. Any analogies to myself there are purely incidental.
Cranberry Christmas (6:30 PM, ABC Family): Here is the preview, direct from the Chicago Sun-Times "A meanie wants to take away the Cranberryport skating bog." Please give your thoughts on whatever the hell this might mean in the comments because I haven't a freaking clue.
Jack Frost (9 PM, ABC Family): I am going to assume that this is not the horror film starring a killer snowman but given they had just had a show about a skating bog I really can't be sure.
Tuesday, December 8
Mickey's Christmas Carrol (6 PM, ABC Family): Explains the true meaning of Christmas. Does not explain how Goofy is a dog that can walk and talk while Pluto is a dog who is, well, a dog. Scrooge McDuck version.
Winnie the Pooh and Christmas Too! (6:30 PM, ABC Family): From the A.A. Milne classic tale of Santa Claus. Sigh. I'd like to make more fun of this but as a kid I so loved the stories because of Christopher Robin (the only character who had the same first name as me.) I'll probably end up taping this and then complaining about how the room is dusty every time I watch.
A Miser Brothers Christmas (8 PM, ABC Family): Finally someone gets the point. All Miser Brothers, all the time. They should have their own sitcom.
Rudolph's Shiny New Year (8:30 PM, ABC Family): For the record, it is two and a half weeks before Christmas and we have a New Year's Special. First Valentine's Day special is planned for December 20th.
Friday, December 11
Yes, Virginia (7 PM, CBS): A skeptical girl asks a newspaper for the truth about Santa, a more in depth discussion of the health care bills and a comics section that is awesome like it was when we had Calvin and Hobbes and the Far Side. Also inquires the staff as to why they are employed in a dying industry.
The Flight Before Christmas (7:30 PM, CBS): Again from the Sun Times "Ambitious reindeer tries to find missing father." Thus, this story might really be a tale of parental abandonment as his father takes flight before the holidays much in the manner of "I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes." This implies a much more complex social structure in the reindeer community than I have ever imagined.
Saturday, December 12
Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (8 AM, ABC Family): I am slowly getting the feeling that ABC Family just bought up the rights to every show with Christmas in its title. I'm assuming that he uses his long ears to fly in a helicopter fashion to help lower Santa into chimneys.
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): And I complained about the New Year's Special. Why aren't they showing this in July? And since when did Rudolph and Frosty form some sort of magical Christmas tag-team? I expect to see them in a double Russian chain match against the Miser Brothers.
It's a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still have not seen this movie. I am not kidding. I know that it is a holiday staple but I simply have never sat down to watch it. It just wasn't in my family's rotation. Apologies to those who feel that this makes me pure evil.
Sunday, December 13
Santa Baby (5 PM, ABC Family): Jenny McCarthy stars as Santa's efficiency expert daughter who must fill her old man's shoes when he falls ill. The logical inconsistencies present in the "Jenny McCarthy" and "efficiency expert" makes this one sound like a twelve egg nog special.
The Christmas Blessing (5 PM, Lifetime Movie): Neil Patrick Harris. You don't even need a plot description; it stars Neil Patrick Harris. If that isn't enough to make you watch nothing will.
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (7 PM, ABC Family): My god, they made a sequel. And her first name is apparently Mary. I think I am losing brain cells just by typing this.
The Christmas Hope (7 PM, Lifetime Movie): A foster child wins over a couple starring Madeline Stowe thus answering the question "Whatever happened to Madeline Stowe?"
Christmas at the White House (9 PM, ABC): Oprah grills the president on his foreign policy decisions.
Tuesday, December 15
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): Can't have too many Peanuts specials, especially ones featuring Rerun. If you need to think up a quick present for me anything related to Charles Schulz is usually a good choice.
Friday, December 18
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Ok, raise your hands. How many of you cried when Frosty has to go away? I thought so. Maybe the most heart wrenching Christmas special ever. You fall in love with the big guy and then he vanishes and there is nothing that you can do about it. Great lesson to teach children.
Frosty Returns (7:30 PM, CBS): Well, maybe his disappearance wasn't so permanent after all.
Tuesday, December 22
A Very Brady Christmas (Noon, ABC Family): I have a problem with this. The holidays are all about nostalgia, which is why I am writing about shows that I remember watching thirty years ago. Yet this is a special in which Christmas nostalgia is combined with old TV show nostalgia and it is just too much.
Once Upon a Christmas (2 PM, ABC Family): Santa's Daughter again must try to save the day. In this instance, Santa's daughter is played by Kathy Ireland. I consider that an upgrade.
Twice Upon a Christmas (4 PM, ABC Family): For crying out loud, how many movies about Santa's daughters featuring former pin up models are there? Are there a whole bunch starring Elle McPhereson that I am somehow missing?
A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TNT): Jean-Luc Picard version. Set phasers to awesome. Let's see those ghosts try to mess with Scrooge this time.
Christmas Eve
A Christmas Story (7 PM and on continual loop, TBS): Peter Billingsly directed Couples Retreat and was executive producer for Iron Man. I have no idea what significance that hold but really what else can one say about this film. I really think that it has become so popular that everyone should take a few years off from watching it just so it can regain a bit of its awesomeness. And trust me, it is awesome.
Christmas Day
The Yule Log (2 AM, WGN): Because what better way to enjoy the holidays than by watching a fireplace on your TV.
Enjoy the holidays everyone!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I also shouldn't have brought my pointy stick collection
Ok anonymous commenter, now I am really upset that I didn't think about showing up at the midnight screening of New Moon dressed as Blade the Vampire Hunter. Especially if I could have convinced someone else to dress up as whatever the hell character Kate Beckinsale plays in all of those Underworld movies. (I assume that her character has a name but I doubt that really plays a role in understanding those flicks.) Personally, I thought my garlic fries concession was going to be a gold mine. Oh how wrong I was.
(Why people care about vampires and werewolves when the zombie apocalypse is fast approaching is beyond me. Ooh, vampires are dark and brooding. What good is that going to be when a zombie is tearing out your throat? All the Twilight series is doing is allowing people to dress as if they are Cure fans without having to actually listen to the Cure. Which when you think about it really isn't a bad thing.)
Switching gears it s always interesting to note how Thanksgiving Eve has become an unofficial holiday. Hell, I remember when the day after Thanksgiving wasn't an official day off from work and now it is a given at most non-retail locations. (If you are in retail, sorry. Not for the lack of a day off; just sorry in general.) At least the four day weekend is sensible (who sets a holiday on a Thursday anyway) but the fact that Wednesday has become a de facto holiday is rather amazing. Did anyone get much accomplished today other than travelling. I don't want to sound like a curmudgeonly old man who talks about how he had to walk uphill both ways to school but you know what, those damn kids better get off my lawn.
(Ok, that may not have made sense. Sorry.)
Luckily this year is not a reunion year for me so I get to avoid any of those get togethers. Though in the age of Facebook high school reunions happen every five minutes. The only reason to attend is to see what everyone is up to and I already know that in extremely graphic detail along with how their farm is doing. When people decide what caused the downfall of Western Civilization I hope that at least a few people put in a few votes for Farmville.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Want to know what I am thankful for? The Polyphonic Spree covering Nirvana.
(Why people care about vampires and werewolves when the zombie apocalypse is fast approaching is beyond me. Ooh, vampires are dark and brooding. What good is that going to be when a zombie is tearing out your throat? All the Twilight series is doing is allowing people to dress as if they are Cure fans without having to actually listen to the Cure. Which when you think about it really isn't a bad thing.)
Switching gears it s always interesting to note how Thanksgiving Eve has become an unofficial holiday. Hell, I remember when the day after Thanksgiving wasn't an official day off from work and now it is a given at most non-retail locations. (If you are in retail, sorry. Not for the lack of a day off; just sorry in general.) At least the four day weekend is sensible (who sets a holiday on a Thursday anyway) but the fact that Wednesday has become a de facto holiday is rather amazing. Did anyone get much accomplished today other than travelling. I don't want to sound like a curmudgeonly old man who talks about how he had to walk uphill both ways to school but you know what, those damn kids better get off my lawn.
(Ok, that may not have made sense. Sorry.)
Luckily this year is not a reunion year for me so I get to avoid any of those get togethers. Though in the age of Facebook high school reunions happen every five minutes. The only reason to attend is to see what everyone is up to and I already know that in extremely graphic detail along with how their farm is doing. When people decide what caused the downfall of Western Civilization I hope that at least a few people put in a few votes for Farmville.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Want to know what I am thankful for? The Polyphonic Spree covering Nirvana.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Encouragement: South Bend Style
It only took three years but someone finally punched Jimmy Claussen in the face. It creates a nice bookend for his Notre Dame career. He starts it by getting out of a stretch limo in front of the College Football Hall of Fame and ends it by getting sucker punched at CJs.
For those who haven’t heard the story or are unfamiliar with the details of the South Bend bar scene I’ll try to fill you in. Jimmy Claussen, the 22 year old true junior quarterback…let me go off on that point for a moment. When I was 22 I had already graduated and was well into the first year of my job. Claussen is just starting his junior year. Does that strike anyone else as really, really bad? No wonder he looks like a stud compared to 18 year old defensive backs. Anyway, after the horrendous loss to UConn Jimmy was with his family at CJs having a nice dinner at two in the morning when he was assaulted by a disgruntled fan.
Now to put CJs in perspective the only times in my two years in South Bend that I can recall going there involve either a) Erik playing a gig there or b) bar golf and to be honest I can’t actually recall the night of bar golf. I just assume I was there. Basically it is a dive bar amongst dive bars only known for having a decent burger and being conveniently located next to the hospital. So you are there only if you feel like getting completely trashed. So it is at least a little odd that this is where we find young Jimmy.
Did he deserve to get punched in the face? Discounting the fact that every picture of him makes him look like a smug jerk and I would love to see the injury report read Claussen: Out (Douchebag) I really can’t blame the crappy season on him. It’s not his fault that the defense can’t tackle anybody. Or that the redzone offense consists of randomly throwing the ball in the air and hoping that someone tall catches it. Still, if you want a good understanding of the level of discontent in South Bend we are starting to beat up the players on our team who are actually good. Imagine what we are doing to the linebacking corps.
Remember everyone this is the time of year where we give thanks. As in “Thank God this season is over” and “Thankfully I will have an excuse to watch the Little Caesars’ Pizza Bowl this year.”
For those who haven’t heard the story or are unfamiliar with the details of the South Bend bar scene I’ll try to fill you in. Jimmy Claussen, the 22 year old true junior quarterback…let me go off on that point for a moment. When I was 22 I had already graduated and was well into the first year of my job. Claussen is just starting his junior year. Does that strike anyone else as really, really bad? No wonder he looks like a stud compared to 18 year old defensive backs. Anyway, after the horrendous loss to UConn Jimmy was with his family at CJs having a nice dinner at two in the morning when he was assaulted by a disgruntled fan.
Now to put CJs in perspective the only times in my two years in South Bend that I can recall going there involve either a) Erik playing a gig there or b) bar golf and to be honest I can’t actually recall the night of bar golf. I just assume I was there. Basically it is a dive bar amongst dive bars only known for having a decent burger and being conveniently located next to the hospital. So you are there only if you feel like getting completely trashed. So it is at least a little odd that this is where we find young Jimmy.
Did he deserve to get punched in the face? Discounting the fact that every picture of him makes him look like a smug jerk and I would love to see the injury report read Claussen: Out (Douchebag) I really can’t blame the crappy season on him. It’s not his fault that the defense can’t tackle anybody. Or that the redzone offense consists of randomly throwing the ball in the air and hoping that someone tall catches it. Still, if you want a good understanding of the level of discontent in South Bend we are starting to beat up the players on our team who are actually good. Imagine what we are doing to the linebacking corps.
Remember everyone this is the time of year where we give thanks. As in “Thank God this season is over” and “Thankfully I will have an excuse to watch the Little Caesars’ Pizza Bowl this year.”
Monday, November 23, 2009
Replace the fat cats with actual cats
Sometimes I just look at our government and shake my head in befuddlement. Actually, that is pretty much all I ever do with regards to politics. Maybe it is one of my weak points in that I never really take a hugely active role in the system. Sure I vote and everything but you never see me on the front lines arguing for policy, organizing protests or trying to get my voice heard much at all. On some level I guess I have always viewed myself as an observer away from the fray. It really isn’t the best way to handle the situation so I should probably change it.
Right now my biggest beef is with the entire health care debacle and that is really the only thing that you can call it. Every plan is ill conceived and too expensive and massive to be implemented and simultaneously we seem to be releasing standards that vary from nonsensical to unethical. I would never have expected anyone to ever suggest that preventative cancer screening is unnecessary. The best argument (outside of it would save money) is that it will reduce unnecessary anxiety due to false positives. Sure, that might be true but I think that is a small price to pay for what happens when real positives are missed. A month after everyone was focused on breast cancer awareness we now have government saying essentially that it isn’t a big deal. It would be comical if it wasn’t so serious.
Now I don’t think that health care reform will pass and I certainly hope that it doesn’t in its present form for two reasons. The first is that every proposal that I have seen does put us on the path to socialized medicine and once we start on that path we will not be able to stop. I’ve been in an emergency room in England and trust me I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through that experience. My bigger issue though is even simpler. We simply don’t have the money for a major overhaul right now.
If you viewed the US as a company right now you probably wouldn’t buy stock in it. There is way too much debt, we are constantly running a deficit and our production has shifted from tangible products to things like knowledge and information and “service.” It is a very dangerous change as while people will always need steel they may not always require knowledge and while only certain people can produce knowledge pretty much anyone can work at a mill. I really think it is one of the reasons behind the high unemployment. The blue collar jobs that were the backbone are now gone and those workers have nowhere to go.
This is what is bothering me about the current administration, which I must admit I did vote for and therefore really have no room to bitch for the next few years. In my mind, the immediate focus of the Obama camp should have been secure the economy, get the nation back on growth and fix the foreign policy situation. I can give them credit that the economy is secure in that the Dow isn’t at 4500 like I had feared but I’m still not sure what they did to cause it other than make sure the banks survived. But even with the Dow at 10,000 and a technical end to the recession I can’t see the economy as being in good shape. We have double digit unemployment and an incredibly weak dollar and no indication that either of those things are going to change in the near future. Add in the housing crisis that is continuing to snowball and we have a huge amount of immediate worries that are being pushed aside for a health care fight that really no one wants.
So what would I do if I was in DC? I’d cut bait on health care because it simply will not fly. Yes, it is a political hit but so is six more months of work for a bill that will not pass. I’d make a decision on Afghanistan (and please let it not be one where we half ass it to the point where we send just enough troops to accomplish nothing other than losing a lot of good soldiers) and make our intentions known. And I’d put all my focus and political capital on the economy and the long term finances of the country. Because right now if we don’t fix that part of the equation we are headed down a seriously bad slope.
Am I correct in my view? Don’t know. I just know that in the past year I can’t point to a single accomplishment that I can pin to the Dems and that makes me feel pretty sad given that I voted for them. I was not one who came into this thinking that the world would be transformed into a land of unicorns and rainbows but I thought that we would at least have some forward progress. Right now we are just spinning in a circle with the hope that once we stop that we will be pointing in the right direction.
Right now my biggest beef is with the entire health care debacle and that is really the only thing that you can call it. Every plan is ill conceived and too expensive and massive to be implemented and simultaneously we seem to be releasing standards that vary from nonsensical to unethical. I would never have expected anyone to ever suggest that preventative cancer screening is unnecessary. The best argument (outside of it would save money) is that it will reduce unnecessary anxiety due to false positives. Sure, that might be true but I think that is a small price to pay for what happens when real positives are missed. A month after everyone was focused on breast cancer awareness we now have government saying essentially that it isn’t a big deal. It would be comical if it wasn’t so serious.
Now I don’t think that health care reform will pass and I certainly hope that it doesn’t in its present form for two reasons. The first is that every proposal that I have seen does put us on the path to socialized medicine and once we start on that path we will not be able to stop. I’ve been in an emergency room in England and trust me I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through that experience. My bigger issue though is even simpler. We simply don’t have the money for a major overhaul right now.
If you viewed the US as a company right now you probably wouldn’t buy stock in it. There is way too much debt, we are constantly running a deficit and our production has shifted from tangible products to things like knowledge and information and “service.” It is a very dangerous change as while people will always need steel they may not always require knowledge and while only certain people can produce knowledge pretty much anyone can work at a mill. I really think it is one of the reasons behind the high unemployment. The blue collar jobs that were the backbone are now gone and those workers have nowhere to go.
This is what is bothering me about the current administration, which I must admit I did vote for and therefore really have no room to bitch for the next few years. In my mind, the immediate focus of the Obama camp should have been secure the economy, get the nation back on growth and fix the foreign policy situation. I can give them credit that the economy is secure in that the Dow isn’t at 4500 like I had feared but I’m still not sure what they did to cause it other than make sure the banks survived. But even with the Dow at 10,000 and a technical end to the recession I can’t see the economy as being in good shape. We have double digit unemployment and an incredibly weak dollar and no indication that either of those things are going to change in the near future. Add in the housing crisis that is continuing to snowball and we have a huge amount of immediate worries that are being pushed aside for a health care fight that really no one wants.
So what would I do if I was in DC? I’d cut bait on health care because it simply will not fly. Yes, it is a political hit but so is six more months of work for a bill that will not pass. I’d make a decision on Afghanistan (and please let it not be one where we half ass it to the point where we send just enough troops to accomplish nothing other than losing a lot of good soldiers) and make our intentions known. And I’d put all my focus and political capital on the economy and the long term finances of the country. Because right now if we don’t fix that part of the equation we are headed down a seriously bad slope.
Am I correct in my view? Don’t know. I just know that in the past year I can’t point to a single accomplishment that I can pin to the Dems and that makes me feel pretty sad given that I voted for them. I was not one who came into this thinking that the world would be transformed into a land of unicorns and rainbows but I thought that we would at least have some forward progress. Right now we are just spinning in a circle with the hope that once we stop that we will be pointing in the right direction.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Werewolves AND vampires?
Wasn’t New Moon amazing? I mean, I knew I was going to have to wait out in the cold Thursday night for the midnight showing but it was so worth it….
(While driving around this weekend I saw a minivan with “Honk if you are a New Moon fan” painted on the window. What a bunch of nerds and this is coming from a guy with his own stormtrooper costume. I’ll leave it with this: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; never underestimate the purchasing power of teenage girls.)
Glad to see that people enjoyed the Bon Jovi post. I hoped that it would go over well especially given that I have had to spend the past several days with that song running through my head. You can only hear yourself go “Oh ho!” so many times before you want to push a pencil in your ear to make it stop. Next one will most likely be either Poison or Whitesnake as hair metal seems to be an endless source of material.
Well I did force myself to watch the Notre Dame game over the weekend and I have to say that this has to be the end for Charlie Weis. He may have done a good job as a recruiter, particularly on offense, but I have never seen a coach lose so many winnable games. This isn’t a case of the team having .500 talent. There is no reason why this shouldn’t be a 9-3 team playing in the Gator Bowl based on talent alone. At some point you have to look at the head coach and go something is wrong.
Yes, it would help if we had anyone coaching or possibly even playing defense. I was thinking, have we had an NFL caliber linebacker since Rocky Boivan? Or an NFL cornerback since…since…I can’t even name the last one. You would think that defense would be our strong suit but outside of linemen like Justin Tuck we really haven’t been producing top talent on that side of the ball.
The good news is that Weis pretty much knows that he is done so there will not be much drama on that end. Plus, the ND job will be the highest profile job opening so we should be able to get the best of the possible candidates. I’m not sold on the Cincinnati coach, mainly because I can’t remember his name and being able to win in the Big East is not exactly something I consider to be that challenging. I would like Gruden but that is probably not going to happen. I’ll take a guy who gets the players to live up to their talent. That would be a good start.
Best of 120 Minutes: Keeping on the Notre Dame front, this was like one of the five good songs one could choose from the Backer jukebox back in my day. Which was 2002.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Polyphonic Spree “Together We’re heavy”
2) De La Soul “3 Feet High and Rising”
3) Harry Connick Jr. “We are in Love”
4) Caitlin Cary “While You Weren’t Looking”
5) Caitlin Cary “I’m Staying Out”
(While driving around this weekend I saw a minivan with “Honk if you are a New Moon fan” painted on the window. What a bunch of nerds and this is coming from a guy with his own stormtrooper costume. I’ll leave it with this: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; never underestimate the purchasing power of teenage girls.)
Glad to see that people enjoyed the Bon Jovi post. I hoped that it would go over well especially given that I have had to spend the past several days with that song running through my head. You can only hear yourself go “Oh ho!” so many times before you want to push a pencil in your ear to make it stop. Next one will most likely be either Poison or Whitesnake as hair metal seems to be an endless source of material.
Well I did force myself to watch the Notre Dame game over the weekend and I have to say that this has to be the end for Charlie Weis. He may have done a good job as a recruiter, particularly on offense, but I have never seen a coach lose so many winnable games. This isn’t a case of the team having .500 talent. There is no reason why this shouldn’t be a 9-3 team playing in the Gator Bowl based on talent alone. At some point you have to look at the head coach and go something is wrong.
Yes, it would help if we had anyone coaching or possibly even playing defense. I was thinking, have we had an NFL caliber linebacker since Rocky Boivan? Or an NFL cornerback since…since…I can’t even name the last one. You would think that defense would be our strong suit but outside of linemen like Justin Tuck we really haven’t been producing top talent on that side of the ball.
The good news is that Weis pretty much knows that he is done so there will not be much drama on that end. Plus, the ND job will be the highest profile job opening so we should be able to get the best of the possible candidates. I’m not sold on the Cincinnati coach, mainly because I can’t remember his name and being able to win in the Big East is not exactly something I consider to be that challenging. I would like Gruden but that is probably not going to happen. I’ll take a guy who gets the players to live up to their talent. That would be a good start.
Best of 120 Minutes: Keeping on the Notre Dame front, this was like one of the five good songs one could choose from the Backer jukebox back in my day. Which was 2002.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Polyphonic Spree “Together We’re heavy”
2) De La Soul “3 Feet High and Rising”
3) Harry Connick Jr. “We are in Love”
4) Caitlin Cary “While You Weren’t Looking”
5) Caitlin Cary “I’m Staying Out”
Thursday, November 19, 2009
80's Video Critical Interpretation: Lesson Two
Per a very vocal request here is a line by line deconstruction of one of the most popular songs of my high school (and well beyond) life: Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer”.
Living on a Prayer
Lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora and Desmond Child
Note #1: Desmond Child is a songwriter who is also responsible for “You Give Love a Bad Name” and “Living La Vida Loca.” Take that for what you will other than the fact that not all of the lyrical credit in this song can be given to Messrs. Sambora and Bon Jovi.
Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Much like a prologue in a Shakespearean drama, the opening couplet to the song is used to set the stage for the action to follow. In this case the scene is created that the song will be a fairy tale of sorts but one set in a more modern era. Hence we do not expect to find neither knights nor dragons nor imperial stormtroopers but we still anticipate a morality fable to arise over the next four minutes.
Tommy used to work on the docks
This lyric introduces us to the protagonist of the song who is clearly a blue collar worker due to the fact that a) he is a former dockworker and b) does not go by a more formal name such as Tom or Thomas. Also, it immediately raises the question of just how did Tommy lose his job working on the docks, which is answered in the next line.
Union’s been on strike
This provides us with more vital information on Tommy. He is clearly a member of the union, most likely the Teamsters, and given the assumed setting of New Jersey he may quite possibly know the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body. We can also assume a more Democratic leading political ideology that is being shaken due to the length of the strike.
He’s down on his luck it’s tough. So tough.
Here is the first instance in which the lyrics of the song break down from acceptable logic. First, we are led to believe that Tommy is out of work due to the union strike. However, as a union member Tommy could have prevented this via his vote or by taking a more vocal position in union matters and preventing or at a minimum, settling the strike. Also, as it appears that the union is not providing for its members during the strike Tommy should have had the forethought and initiative to prepare himself for such a situation if it would arise. Thus while it may be tough luck has absolutely nothing to do with it. A simple degree of financial planning and political activism would have made his problems rather inconsequential.
Gina works the diner all day
As is common it most forms of modern literature after the introduction of the male protagonist it is customary to introduce the female lead. In this instance it is Gina, a service industry employee and if one can suppose based on name and New Jersey residency most likely Italian. Clearly she either works double shifts or lies to Tommy about what she does all day.
Note #2: Until reading the lyrics I had always assumed that this line was “Gina wants to die of old age”, which, to be honest, is not exactly the type of lyric one expects in a pop rock song. That said, it is preferable to “Gina wishes to die in a freak Weed Whacker accident at 23.”
Working for her man
The meaning here is rather unclear. Does Tommy own the diner or is he simply a manager? Is there an almost pimp like aspect to their relationship? Or is she simply working while Tommy is sitting on his ass, drinking beer and watching the Mets game?
She brings home her pay for love. For love.
Again, we have to once again raise the strange implications of a pimp relationship here. Or that she needs to bring Tommy financial assistance for him to love her. Sure, one can read this as she is madly in love with him and would do everything, including pour coffee to truckers all day, in order to please him but you aren’t going to get a master’s in English if you view things that simply.
(Chorus begins)
She says we’ve got to hold on to what we got
Clearly Gina wears the pants in this relationship. She dictates what actions should be taken, shows the initiative that Tommy is sorely lacking, and possesses the financial acumen to understand that at this moment in time all unnecessary expenses are verboten.
‘Cause it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
A slight change in tone here as a degree of realism or fatalism (depending on your point of view) comes into play. While she pleads for her and Tommy to hold on to their mutual possessions she also has succumbed to the reality that their actions will have no significant impact on their overall situation. Much like characters in a Kafka short story or a Beckett play they are totally at the whim of outside forces.
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot
I wish to propose an alternate reading to this line than that published in most critical texts. Typically music scholars view this on a metaphorical level in that having each other in terms of a loving and caring relationship matters more than what any tangible asset (whether financial or material) could bring. I believe that this line should be read much more literally. Given the high level of obesity found in the state of New Jersey I believe that here the point is being made that by having each other they have a lot just in terms of pure mass.
For love we’ll give it a shot
This line is almost defeatist by nature. Instead of stating that all effort will be given due to the loving relationship they state that they will only make a token effort. Any degree of success is lessened by the sheer lack of determination.
We’re halfway there
In a rather interesting piece of songcraft this part of the chorus does not make any sense until the reading of the second verse. Nowhere in the song up to this point has a trip been mentioned so it is impossible to understand just where are we halfway to. This creates an air of mystery that has been sorely lacking to this point.
Livin’ on a prayer
Referencing again the poverty and dire situations that could have been easily avoided through better career management or not buying that new Camaro.
Take my hand and we’ll make it I swear
This may be the most troubling line of the entire song. Just a few lines earlier it was made clear that it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not. But now one party is declaring to the gods above that they will make it even though it will apparently not make a difference. Is this a matter of effort for no reason other than pride? A delusion that they can impact events that are out of their control? A contrived reason to hold hands? The debate rages on.
Livin’ on a prayer
See above
(Second verse)
Tommy got his six string in hock
In an effort to increase his current cash assets Tommy has been forced to pawn his guitar. Now as Tommy’s music career has not been mentioned up to this point we can safely assume that he is not earning any income via his guitar. Thus while he was implored to hold on to what he’s got in this case it is a sensible solution to momentarily relieve himself of one of his assets in the name of greater liquidity.
Now he’s holding in
What he used to make talk so tough. It’s tough.
Along with poor career planning Tommy also has significant emotional issues. As shown in these lines Tommy can only profess emotions through his guitar and once removed he is psychologically shaken. Also note the fact that he used his guitar to talk tough in an effort to suppress a childhood trauma that he has yet to come to grips with.
Gina dreams of running away
A completely sensible dream for someone in a relationship with an emotionally stunted, unemployed man who is forced to live in New Jersey.
When she cries in the night
Tommy whispers “Baby it’s okay. Someday.”
Personally, I do not agree with some of the other critics who take the crying to be symbolic of an abusive relationship. I find myself in the camp that the smog and pollution found in lower class areas would naturally create eye secretions in the evening hours. In this case Tommy is simply reassuring her of his belief that environmental regulations will soon pass Congress and thus greatly reduce the emissions of the nearby plants.
Repeat Chorus
Or, in the words of Herman’s Hermits “Second verse, same as the first.”
We’ve got to hold on, ready or not
Truly, this couple needs every excuse imaginable to just hold hands. Even if they did not prepare by washing beforehand or properly trimming their nails. Also, if it doesn’t make a difference would it really matter if they are ready or not?
You live for the fight when it’s all that you got
The moral of the tale in eleven words. If through lack of foresight all you have remaining is anger and resentment that is all your life will revolve around.
Repeat Chorus until either a) tight jeans begin to chafe or b) harness fails and you fall into the crowd
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
And I'm back... (again)
For those wondering, no I did not go into hiding after yet another Notre Dame defeat. Or even for Illinois losing the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk to Northwestern. Wait, it’s not the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk anymore? Do you mean that not only did we lose the Chief but we lost the Tomahawk as well? Who cares about playing for the Land of Lincoln trophy, which is apparently shaped like a stovepipe hat? I think the NCAA is doing everything it can to make Illini athletics even more depressing than it usually is.
Anyway, the reason for a lack of posts is that I was traveling for work and since I don’t have a laptop (and internet access in the hotel’s business center cost forty cents a minute) I didn’t have a chance to post. It is nice to know though that I am well on my way to being officially named a Road Warrior. All I need is my pair of spiked shoulder pads and I will be good to go.
I don’t know about anyone else but every once in a while I get hit with this irrational fear that I am landing at the wrong airport in the wrong city. Given how much I fly and the fact that I have never gotten on the wrong plane this would seem to be a rather low probability. Even so I still look out the window for some sign that I am in the right place even though for the most part every place looks the same. I will say that at least when I land in Philly I know that I am there; mainly because it is the only airport where your plane will be stuck in a fifteen minute traffic jam on the way back to the terminal.
But as a result of all of this I am just dead tired at the moment and really just want to crawl into bed. I’ll write more tomorrow and I promise some posts over the weekend to make up for the lack of content.
Random Note of the Day: Eggo shortages are expected in 2010. Prepare your hoarding techniques now or face the consequences. Leggo my Eggo will no longer be an empty threat.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Here is some My Morning Jacket (in tuxedo jackets, naturally) to brighten up the mood.
Anyway, the reason for a lack of posts is that I was traveling for work and since I don’t have a laptop (and internet access in the hotel’s business center cost forty cents a minute) I didn’t have a chance to post. It is nice to know though that I am well on my way to being officially named a Road Warrior. All I need is my pair of spiked shoulder pads and I will be good to go.
I don’t know about anyone else but every once in a while I get hit with this irrational fear that I am landing at the wrong airport in the wrong city. Given how much I fly and the fact that I have never gotten on the wrong plane this would seem to be a rather low probability. Even so I still look out the window for some sign that I am in the right place even though for the most part every place looks the same. I will say that at least when I land in Philly I know that I am there; mainly because it is the only airport where your plane will be stuck in a fifteen minute traffic jam on the way back to the terminal.
But as a result of all of this I am just dead tired at the moment and really just want to crawl into bed. I’ll write more tomorrow and I promise some posts over the weekend to make up for the lack of content.
Random Note of the Day: Eggo shortages are expected in 2010. Prepare your hoarding techniques now or face the consequences. Leggo my Eggo will no longer be an empty threat.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Here is some My Morning Jacket (in tuxedo jackets, naturally) to brighten up the mood.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hoping for a bid in the Brut (by Faberge) Sun Bowl
I get the most wonderful things in the mail. Earlier this week due to my status as a regular donor I received my Notre Dame Football Bowl Game ticket application in which I could request tickets for Notre Dame’s appearance in either the Rose, Sugar, Orange, Fiesta or BCS Championship Game. I am not making this up. Apparently the Notre Dame athletic department is holding on to the hope that all twenty five teams ranked in front of us lose all of their remaining games by fifty points apiece.
(In fact my only options for games that ND could possibly attend are the Cotton Bowl, the Gator Bowl (free DeBolt!), or the fabled “Any bowl not listed on this application, even if said bowl might be held in Detroit.”)
Let’s face it, like most Notre Dame fans I am rather dispirited after having to watch a second defeat to Navy in three years. It is great that we admire the students of the Naval Academy for their hard work and dedication and devotion to our country. That doesn’t mean that we should lose to them, though. And the fact is, though Notre Dame blew about a half dozen scoring opportunities in the game I can’t sit here and say that Notre Dame was the best team on the field. At some point you have to start looking at the coach.
I’m not going to get into the fundamentals here. The defense was horrible to the point of being non-existent and it has been that way for years. I don’t know why that is the case, if it is coaching or recruiting, but you would think that defense would be the hallmark of an ND team. It ties into the type of athlete we recruit. Smart, hardworking, tenacious, all of the qualities that make up a great defensive player. We might not get the best athletes but the ones that we do get should be the smartest and most dedicated guys that you could find.
That is really my biggest problem with the team. They do so many things that are the antithesis of what Notre Dame football should be about. Offensive lineman (and Jimmy Claussen) pick up stupid personal fouls. The snap count seems to be forgotten once a series. Coverages are blown and composure is lost. All of these are things that ND players should never do. We are really meant to be Navy with better athletes. We may not have the sheer talent of an Alabama but in a perfect world we would beat them through intelligence and discipline. Right now that thought seems rather laughable.
Basically I am done with the Charlie Weis experiment or as I like to call it “Life with Chaz.” He has never shown that he can beat a team that he isn’t expected to beat or consistently beat the opponent in an even match up. Sure he can develop offensive talent for the pros but they do not achieve what they are capable of in college. I just don’t see the leadership or even the creation of a team in his image. Maybe Gruden can come in and turn things around. I just hope that I don’t have to watch us lose to a team coached by Dave Freaking Waanstadt for a second year in a row.
(In fact my only options for games that ND could possibly attend are the Cotton Bowl, the Gator Bowl (free DeBolt!), or the fabled “Any bowl not listed on this application, even if said bowl might be held in Detroit.”)
Let’s face it, like most Notre Dame fans I am rather dispirited after having to watch a second defeat to Navy in three years. It is great that we admire the students of the Naval Academy for their hard work and dedication and devotion to our country. That doesn’t mean that we should lose to them, though. And the fact is, though Notre Dame blew about a half dozen scoring opportunities in the game I can’t sit here and say that Notre Dame was the best team on the field. At some point you have to start looking at the coach.
I’m not going to get into the fundamentals here. The defense was horrible to the point of being non-existent and it has been that way for years. I don’t know why that is the case, if it is coaching or recruiting, but you would think that defense would be the hallmark of an ND team. It ties into the type of athlete we recruit. Smart, hardworking, tenacious, all of the qualities that make up a great defensive player. We might not get the best athletes but the ones that we do get should be the smartest and most dedicated guys that you could find.
That is really my biggest problem with the team. They do so many things that are the antithesis of what Notre Dame football should be about. Offensive lineman (and Jimmy Claussen) pick up stupid personal fouls. The snap count seems to be forgotten once a series. Coverages are blown and composure is lost. All of these are things that ND players should never do. We are really meant to be Navy with better athletes. We may not have the sheer talent of an Alabama but in a perfect world we would beat them through intelligence and discipline. Right now that thought seems rather laughable.
Basically I am done with the Charlie Weis experiment or as I like to call it “Life with Chaz.” He has never shown that he can beat a team that he isn’t expected to beat or consistently beat the opponent in an even match up. Sure he can develop offensive talent for the pros but they do not achieve what they are capable of in college. I just don’t see the leadership or even the creation of a team in his image. Maybe Gruden can come in and turn things around. I just hope that I don’t have to watch us lose to a team coached by Dave Freaking Waanstadt for a second year in a row.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
80's Video Critical Interpretation: Lesson One
In what may or may not become a recurring feature on the blog I am going to take one video from the 1980’s and truly dive into the treasure trove of symbolism and clichés held within. Tonight we will start with Def Leppard’s “Rock of Ages.”
· First off, does anyone else find it strange watching a Def Leppard video in which the drummer has the use of both of his arms? We’re at the point now where a one armed drummer is considered the norm.
· The video starts off with the classic chorus of monks singing “Glooper Gleebum Glotten Globun”, which is Olde English for “Let’s hope this looks cool in twenty five years.”
· The monks appear from time to time throughout the video to provide a chorus. Typically bands would have scantily clad women perform this role but Def Leppard kept it real. They knew what their fans wanted and they wanted hooded monks.
· I have no idea why at one point the main image is of the guitarist’s ass in tight white jeans. That said, this video was made during an era where Judas Priest made videos featuring the band in studded leather and no one questioned the meaning of that at all.
· The primary portion of the video is your classic early eighties performance piece in which the band acts as though they are performing. Which would be true except that none of the instruments are plugged in, there are no monitors on the stage and they clearly aren’t on the same beat. Except for the drummer of course because no one could ever figure out how to fake hitting a cymbal.
· Keeping with the monks we also have the damsel in distress chained to some sort of tree like thing. This implies a whole dragon slayer motif that becomes especially clear when the lead singer pulls out a sword.
· Let’s examine the sword in more detail. First off, it is pretty clear what the sword symbolizes. Large, straight objects held at crotch level typically have only one meaning especially when they are so comically large that they would be a rather ineffective weapon in warfare against dragons. But more importantly, why did the lead singer grab a sword? I know it was the 80’s but wouldn’t there be a better item in the arsenal to defeat a fire breathing lizard?
· And in the most classic scene, the singer lays down his sword for it to become a guitar, thus showing that the guitar is the modern version of the sword and that the band are the metaphorical recreations of knights and thus should get all of the maidens to show them their wares backstage after the show. However, this doesn’t address the fact that the lead singer ends up with a guitar that he cannot play. I mean, what the hell is he going to do with it? Wouldn’t he want a mic stand instead?
· In the end the maiden is freed, the monks continue singing, and the band realizes that in the video for Photograph they really need to up the amount of scantily clad women.
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