This is it. The final set of bowl games. The only games that matter except for the fact that a number of these games are utterly meaningless. Why the bowl season extends to January 10th is also a mystery as I don’t think that teams having a month off between games adds to the excitement.
(Also, addendum to last night’s post. It is officially the Progressive Gator Bowl. Typically you don’t hear the words Progressive and Jacksonville in the same sentence. I believe that Glenn Beck is leading a boycott of this game.)
January 3rd
Discover Orange Bowl: Stanford vs. Virginia Tech (ESPN): Do we really need to discover oranges? I am pretty sure that the world is well aware of the fruit. Also, college football has never been the same since we lost the Orange Bowl Halftime Spectacular that took 45 minutes, featured every cruise ship performer wannabe in the Miami area, destroyed the field for the second half and allowed the teams to perform emergency surgery on any players that were injured in the first half. It was pure 80’s decadence at its finest.
Stanford was way better than anyone expected this year. Not that you can ever really root for Stanford other than saying things like, “Well, they’re less arrogant than Berkley students” or “Maybe having a drunk tree as your mascot is a good choice.” Virginia Tech started the season by losing to Boise State and then James Madison and somehow turned their season around completely. This is one of the reasons why a playoff would be nice because it would at least give a team like Virginia Tech a chance even though they started slow. I’ve always liked Virginia Tech so I will cheer for them in the hopes of finding out just what a Hokie is.
January 4th
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arkansas (ESPN): Good pick of teams for the Sugar Bowl which states in its bylaws that is must choose the two teams with the drunkest fanbase possible. This really isn’t that far from the truth. The Sugar Bowl is one of the times of the year that New Orleans bars make a lot of money and one year they were freaking out over the possibility of BYU making it to the game. This is about as close to a meaningful Ohio State – Michigan game that we have seen in years due to Ryan Mallett quarterbacking Arkansas. I still think Ohio State will win just out of force of habit. Tyrell Pryor will bitch about not getting the Heisman as great practice for bitching about not being a first round draft choice, bitching about not getting playing time in the NFL and finally, bitching about being the second string quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos.
January 6th
GoDaddy.com Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Miami (Ohio) (ESPN): Some poor fan bought tickets for this game thinking it was Tennessee vs. Miami. Heck, ESPN might as well promote it that way because I know absolutely nothing about either team. Most people have no idea what GoDaddy.com does either other than make racy commercials that don’t show anything yet direct you to their website in which you can see more racy commercials that don’t show anything. I believe their entire business model is centered on obtaining as much money from people who desire to see Danica Patrick naked without ever providing them with what they hope for. Yet we’ll all tune in to the game thinking “This time they’ll have to show it….”
January 7th
AT&T Cotton Bowl: LSU vs. Texas A&M (Fox): The Cotton Bowl is no longer being played at the Cotton Bowl. Just let that one sink in for a while. I know that the Orange Bowl is no longer played at the Orange Bowl but at least the Orange Bowl no longer exists. The Cotton Bowl is hosting a game this same week yet they are playing it in the new Cowboys Stadium where there is a roof so Jerry Jones could fit his gigantic head in. Apparently no one gives a damn about tradition anymore.
Let’s give it up for Les Miles of LSU, the only head coach who reminds you of that drunk uncle you see during the holidays who tells you stories that are completely false but funny all the same. No other coach uses a gameplan that involves five fake field goal attempts and time management decisions chosen via the Magic 8 Ball. Yet somehow this guy always leads a team to a major bowl game despite showing no knowledge of football whatsoever. That my friends takes talent.
January 8th
BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky (ESPN): Do people even use compasses anymore? In these days of GPS does anyone literally have a compass with a needle on it that points north? I’m not even going to begin to guess what the bell BBVA is; if they can’t bother getting a more descriptive brand name I’m not going to waste my time googling it. Here it is the first weekend of January, NFL Playoffs will be starting, yet we are supposed to care about two schools who are way more focused on basketball right now than football. Plus, Dave Waanstadt still coaches Pitt. Wanny is the worst coach ever and I spent way too many Bears games watching him coach the team to a loss to ever desire to see him on a sideline again and that includes the times I’ve had to watch him beat ND. Do you know how embarrassing it is to watch your school lose to Dave Freaking Waanstadt?
January 9th
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Nevada vs. Boston College (ESPN): Note to Kraft. If you really want to Fight Hunger why don’t you, I don’t know, donate some of the food in your warehouse? Or maybe lower the price on Macaroni and Cheese? You just know every other commercial is about how we can work to fight hunger when the sponsor is literally sitting on a stockpile of food. Unless this is about some new product that is meant to fight hunger in which I will just throw up my hands in exasperation at what now goes for marketing in today’s world. Just cheer for Boston College and move on with your life.
January 10th
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Oregon vs. Auburn (ESPN): This is it. The biggest bowl game of them all, except for the fact that it is not technically a bowl game. Why when the only reason we don’t have a playoff is “to keep the integrity of the bowl system” we don’t have the last game be a freaking bowl game just explains how screwed up the NCAA is. There is not enough moderately priced chips and salsa in this world to make this right.
But at least the game has the two major conference undefeated schools (sorry TCU). Oregon will most likely take the field in fluorescent yellow jerseys in an attempt to either confuse Auburn or destroy every HD television set in the country. Auburn is led by Cam Newton, who will end up having to take a pay cut next year if the NFL doesn’t sign a new collective bargaining agreement. This has the makings of a good game but my gut is really saying Oregon will take this one. Auburn has won a lot of close games and come from behind games and while that shows a ton of talent it also shows that they have been lucky as sin. While Cam Newton has been the best player in the country you also can’t tell me the fact that they essentially loaned him the Heisman knowing that he will have to give it back can’t make things easy for him. Oregon by a touchdown.
That is it. Every bowl game. Now excuse me, I have to curl up in a ball and remember that there is more to life than football.
Wednesday Night Music Club: Of all the Christmas specials out there my favorite one of all time is Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas and it is impossible to find this anywhere. There are three dozen Frosty the Snowman specials but it is impossible to watch this inventive retelling of the Gift of the Magi featuring otters. Here is one of the musical numbers just so we can all relive the wonders of our childhood.
Showing posts with label college football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college football. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
2010 Bowl Preview: Part Three
Time for Part Three of the Bowl Preview series where we will examine the New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day games. These are the games that you will watch while either a) drunk, b) hungover or c) in a state of complete disbelief that you are going to spend another New Year’s Eve without a girlfriend to the point that the idea of going to a strip club just so you can have some degree of companionship at midnight becomes quite sensible. Not that I have any familiarity with C or anything.
New Year’s Eve
Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson (ESPN): Back when I was a kid we had games like the Blue Bonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. I still have no idea what the Blue Bonnet Bowl was meant to symbolize other than colored headgear. Then we started appending sponsors name to the front of the game until, starting with the Blockbuster Bowl, the name of the company became the name of the game. Given the financial outlook of Blockbuster maybe we should rethink this use of advertising dollars.
I’ve always liked Clemson and hope that one day they will regain their form as one of the top teams in the nation. They’re just a cool team with orange uniforms, Howard’s Rock and a whole host of traditions. I know nothing of South Florida other than they are in Florida. I think it should be a rule that in order to be in a bowl game I should at least be able to guess what city the school is in.
Hyundai Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami (CBS): It is time to replay the legendary Catholics vs. Convicts game! Or, in this case, the “Currently being investigated in the death of two students” vs. Convicts game. (Side note: does anyone have any real info on the story regarding the alleged rape / suicide of the St. Mary’s student? Most of my info has come from blogs and everything sounds all sorts of sketchy. I’d like to have the school come forward with some degree of clarity on the subject.)
Obviously I have a pretty big interest in this game. Notre Dame turned its season around or at least avoided imploding as they had the past few years. The team shows promise but really isn’t that solid of a team. Miami underachieved all year and could easily have made a better bowl game. I’ve watched a lot of both teams and Miami should take this one. Speed kills and Miami just has Notre Dame beat in terms of athletes.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Georgia vs. UCF (ESPN): I’m trying to think if there was a D-1 team from Florida that didn’t make a bowl game this year. I’m pretty sure they all made it in. In fact, all of your New Year’s Eve games involve Florida teams so I’m assuming that this will be declared a holiday in the Sunshine State. Georgia rebounded from being god awful at the start of the year to being good enough to spend New Year’s Eve in Memphis which should at least provide them with a tour of Memphis and some good barbecue. Oh, and just for the record, Illinois went to two bowl games while I was in college. One was the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the other was the Liberty Bowl in Memphis. Yeah, and people wonder why I can be a bitter Illini fan.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: South Carolina vs. Florida State (ESPN): While out Christmas shopping on Saturday (in which I was proud of myself for not ripping a toy out of the hands of a small child) I picked up some Chick-fil-A and they screwed up my order. The strange thing is, this made no impact on my meal at all. Chick-fil-A essentially only has one menu item. Instead of having a chicken breast on a bun I had a chicken breast in nugget form. I’m not sure what this says about the company other than they are surprisingly efficient.
I will always cheer for Steve Spurrier no matter where he coaches if just because he is the only person who calls plays like it is a video game. 2nd and 15 from your own 1? Send out five receivers and play from the shotgun. I hate Florida State for reasons that are too numerous to mention and include people I met when I was 16, which is now so far past half a lifetime ago that I am afraid to do the math. And let’s face it, any school that chants “Let’s go Cocks!” is good enough for me.
New Year’s Day
TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (ESPNU): Your three important notes for this game. 1) This game is being played in the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day and features a team from Texas yet is not the Cotton Bowl. I do not quite understand how that is possible. 2) Not surprisingly, tickets for the TicketCity Bowl are available from scalpers. 3) Given that this game is on ESPNU you will have no chance to actually watch the game. Northwestern had a good squad until their quarterback got hurt and Texas Tech is still getting over the fact that they locked up Craig James’ son in a closet last year. Guess that is why they exiled the game to ESPNU. I can’t bring myself to root for Northwestern as an Illini. Luckily we regained the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, I mean the Land of Lincoln trophy.
Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State (ABC): You know how in baseball they occasionally have Old Timers Games? Where top players from the team’s past come back for an exhibition? Well, this game would be much more interesting as an Old Timer’s Game. Just bring back all the stars from yesteryear and have them suit up. Neither team is very good this year, Urban Meyer is stepping down as Florida’s coach, and Joe Pa is slowly being replaced with robot parts in an attempt to create MechaPaterno. And let’s face it, once MechaPaterno is fully functional we are all doomed to a life of toil in his sunglass factories. Penn State will win because they might as well.
Capital One Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan State (ESPN): How Michigan State didn’t turn into a bigger story this year is beyond me. They beat Notre Dame on the most insane fake field goal ever and it results in their coach having a literal heart attack. He then comes back to coach the team to a top record despite the fact that they were anticipated to be a middling Big Ten team. Why this didn’t get more play is just a sign as to how much interest lies in the SEC. Alabama won the title last year but could never seem to get on track this year. They were one of the best teams of the year but always seemed to be in a fight for their life. I like Michigan State in this one, which is one of the best games of the year.
(Oh, and for all of the Capital One mascot challenge commercials that I have seen over the years I wish I would actually know what the challenge is. I assume it is some sort of online poll but it would be better if they really did have all of the mascots competing in insane reality show challenges.)
Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Michigan (ESPN2): Remember if you are in Jacksonville and they ask you to leave the bar just leave the bar. (Someone will get the reference.) Anyway, how has Gatorade not stepped up to sponsor the Gator Bowl yet? Easiest sponsorship ever. If this game is anything like the Illinois – Michigan game then they might as well just play it under Arena Football rules. Or Electric Football rules. By the way, why don’t kids ask for electric football sets anymore? They will never learn football strategy from Madden. You have to spend hours setting up your players just so and then sit helplessly as they spin in circles. And yes, I would rather watch plastic figures spin in circles than cheer Michigan.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU (ESPN): If there was a playoff system (and there should be) these would be the two teams to benefit most. TCU is the undefeated team that got screwed out of the title game and Wisconsin was playing better than anyone at the end of the year. Why the NCAA won’t break down and have an eight team playoff is one of those unanswered questions of sports. They’ll make the student athlete claim but then add in a twelfth game for every team plus a conference championship. While TCU is good and it will be interesting to see them in the Big East as they are east of, uh, the Rocky Mountains I am really behind Wisconsin. When the season ended I really couldn’t see anyone in the country beating them and I think TCU is due for a letdown.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma (ESPN): No, I don’t know why Connecticut is in a BCS game and Michigan State isn’t. No, I don’t know why the Big East is incapable of fielding one team, even an All Star team, worthy of this slot. But, hey, free Tostitos for everyone! Each year there is one BCS game that is guaranteed to be horrible and this year this is it. Hey, you’ll need a break from football by this point anyway.
New Year’s Eve
Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson (ESPN): Back when I was a kid we had games like the Blue Bonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. I still have no idea what the Blue Bonnet Bowl was meant to symbolize other than colored headgear. Then we started appending sponsors name to the front of the game until, starting with the Blockbuster Bowl, the name of the company became the name of the game. Given the financial outlook of Blockbuster maybe we should rethink this use of advertising dollars.
I’ve always liked Clemson and hope that one day they will regain their form as one of the top teams in the nation. They’re just a cool team with orange uniforms, Howard’s Rock and a whole host of traditions. I know nothing of South Florida other than they are in Florida. I think it should be a rule that in order to be in a bowl game I should at least be able to guess what city the school is in.
Hyundai Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami (CBS): It is time to replay the legendary Catholics vs. Convicts game! Or, in this case, the “Currently being investigated in the death of two students” vs. Convicts game. (Side note: does anyone have any real info on the story regarding the alleged rape / suicide of the St. Mary’s student? Most of my info has come from blogs and everything sounds all sorts of sketchy. I’d like to have the school come forward with some degree of clarity on the subject.)
Obviously I have a pretty big interest in this game. Notre Dame turned its season around or at least avoided imploding as they had the past few years. The team shows promise but really isn’t that solid of a team. Miami underachieved all year and could easily have made a better bowl game. I’ve watched a lot of both teams and Miami should take this one. Speed kills and Miami just has Notre Dame beat in terms of athletes.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Georgia vs. UCF (ESPN): I’m trying to think if there was a D-1 team from Florida that didn’t make a bowl game this year. I’m pretty sure they all made it in. In fact, all of your New Year’s Eve games involve Florida teams so I’m assuming that this will be declared a holiday in the Sunshine State. Georgia rebounded from being god awful at the start of the year to being good enough to spend New Year’s Eve in Memphis which should at least provide them with a tour of Memphis and some good barbecue. Oh, and just for the record, Illinois went to two bowl games while I was in college. One was the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the other was the Liberty Bowl in Memphis. Yeah, and people wonder why I can be a bitter Illini fan.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: South Carolina vs. Florida State (ESPN): While out Christmas shopping on Saturday (in which I was proud of myself for not ripping a toy out of the hands of a small child) I picked up some Chick-fil-A and they screwed up my order. The strange thing is, this made no impact on my meal at all. Chick-fil-A essentially only has one menu item. Instead of having a chicken breast on a bun I had a chicken breast in nugget form. I’m not sure what this says about the company other than they are surprisingly efficient.
I will always cheer for Steve Spurrier no matter where he coaches if just because he is the only person who calls plays like it is a video game. 2nd and 15 from your own 1? Send out five receivers and play from the shotgun. I hate Florida State for reasons that are too numerous to mention and include people I met when I was 16, which is now so far past half a lifetime ago that I am afraid to do the math. And let’s face it, any school that chants “Let’s go Cocks!” is good enough for me.
New Year’s Day
TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (ESPNU): Your three important notes for this game. 1) This game is being played in the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day and features a team from Texas yet is not the Cotton Bowl. I do not quite understand how that is possible. 2) Not surprisingly, tickets for the TicketCity Bowl are available from scalpers. 3) Given that this game is on ESPNU you will have no chance to actually watch the game. Northwestern had a good squad until their quarterback got hurt and Texas Tech is still getting over the fact that they locked up Craig James’ son in a closet last year. Guess that is why they exiled the game to ESPNU. I can’t bring myself to root for Northwestern as an Illini. Luckily we regained the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, I mean the Land of Lincoln trophy.
Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State (ABC): You know how in baseball they occasionally have Old Timers Games? Where top players from the team’s past come back for an exhibition? Well, this game would be much more interesting as an Old Timer’s Game. Just bring back all the stars from yesteryear and have them suit up. Neither team is very good this year, Urban Meyer is stepping down as Florida’s coach, and Joe Pa is slowly being replaced with robot parts in an attempt to create MechaPaterno. And let’s face it, once MechaPaterno is fully functional we are all doomed to a life of toil in his sunglass factories. Penn State will win because they might as well.
Capital One Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan State (ESPN): How Michigan State didn’t turn into a bigger story this year is beyond me. They beat Notre Dame on the most insane fake field goal ever and it results in their coach having a literal heart attack. He then comes back to coach the team to a top record despite the fact that they were anticipated to be a middling Big Ten team. Why this didn’t get more play is just a sign as to how much interest lies in the SEC. Alabama won the title last year but could never seem to get on track this year. They were one of the best teams of the year but always seemed to be in a fight for their life. I like Michigan State in this one, which is one of the best games of the year.
(Oh, and for all of the Capital One mascot challenge commercials that I have seen over the years I wish I would actually know what the challenge is. I assume it is some sort of online poll but it would be better if they really did have all of the mascots competing in insane reality show challenges.)
Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Michigan (ESPN2): Remember if you are in Jacksonville and they ask you to leave the bar just leave the bar. (Someone will get the reference.) Anyway, how has Gatorade not stepped up to sponsor the Gator Bowl yet? Easiest sponsorship ever. If this game is anything like the Illinois – Michigan game then they might as well just play it under Arena Football rules. Or Electric Football rules. By the way, why don’t kids ask for electric football sets anymore? They will never learn football strategy from Madden. You have to spend hours setting up your players just so and then sit helplessly as they spin in circles. And yes, I would rather watch plastic figures spin in circles than cheer Michigan.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU (ESPN): If there was a playoff system (and there should be) these would be the two teams to benefit most. TCU is the undefeated team that got screwed out of the title game and Wisconsin was playing better than anyone at the end of the year. Why the NCAA won’t break down and have an eight team playoff is one of those unanswered questions of sports. They’ll make the student athlete claim but then add in a twelfth game for every team plus a conference championship. While TCU is good and it will be interesting to see them in the Big East as they are east of, uh, the Rocky Mountains I am really behind Wisconsin. When the season ended I really couldn’t see anyone in the country beating them and I think TCU is due for a letdown.
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma (ESPN): No, I don’t know why Connecticut is in a BCS game and Michigan State isn’t. No, I don’t know why the Big East is incapable of fielding one team, even an All Star team, worthy of this slot. But, hey, free Tostitos for everyone! Each year there is one BCS game that is guaranteed to be horrible and this year this is it. Hey, you’ll need a break from football by this point anyway.
Monday, December 13, 2010
2010 Bowl Preview: Part Two
Time for Part Two of the Bowl Preview where we make our way from December 26th through December 30th, otherwise known as “that time you go into the office to work knowing that you won’t actually complete any work because all of the higher ups are on vacation and everyone is catching up on their web browsing.”
December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl: Florida International vs. Toledo (ESPN): I’m not sure if Little Caesars offers a bowl product. After seeing the pictures of the Domino’s Pasta Bowls, which I believed caused me to gain ten pounds just by seeing them on a computer screen, I believe that the only thing that could ruin the concept of pizza is forming it into a bowl shape. This game is in Detroit and thus adds to the misery of the city. Seriously, this is the best that they could get for a bowl game. FIU (with the exception of the legendary Ned) is a school that might not actually exist and they are going up against Toledo, which is like the 20th best school in the state of Ohio. Given that all you need to do to get into Ohio State is a) be born in Ohio and b) have a measurable pulse at the age of eighteen it makes you wonder just who decides to go to Toledo (or Ohio State for that matter.) Watch the game only if they promise you free pizza.
December 27th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech (ESPN2): For the second straight year I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what V100 is meant to represent. Might be an insurance company, might be a brand of insulation, or might be a secret government plot. All we know is that it took them 100 tries to get it right. And let us also hold a moment of silence for the legacy of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl, which will also rank as the best bowl game name ever. I yearn to one day own a house so that I can go into a store and buy a Poulan Weed Eater. Anyway, there is a good chance that there will not be a single pass attempt in this entire game. Both teams run the option, which is either fun to watch or the most boring thing imaginable depending on your point of view. Cheer for Air Force because it is the Independence Bowl and they help to keep us free from bees.
December 28th
Champs Sports Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina State (ESPN): Wow, Champs Sports is still in business? I didn’t know if they survived the latest round of dead malls. This is a matchup of two schools that….ok, I have to admit that I have nothing to say about either school’s football program. I’ll just say that I did drink with several of the basketball coaches from West Virginia one night in KC and that the first college basketball game I ever saw featured Jim Valvano’s North Carolina State team. Just watch Valvano’s ESPY speech and consider it a good night.
Insight Bowl: Missouri vs. Iowa (ESPN): This still refers to Insight.com as opposed to just the theoretical concept of insight though more bowl games do need to be about philosophical concepts. As I write this the game has been taken off the board in Vegas because it looks like most of Iowa is going to be suspended due to one of their players running a “drug house”. They should be cut some slack given that it is Iowa City. No one should have to live in Iowa sober. As a former KC resident (and a firm believer that it should be pronounced Missuorah) I’ll cheer for my former state school mainly due to the fact that Columbia is in the middle of nowhere yet still draws some pretty good bands. Hey, at least the team is better than Kansas this year.
December 29th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: East Carolina vs. Maryland (ESPN): Apparently it can no longer be called war profiteering if you use the money to sponsor sporting events. Seriously, is there a more ominous title for a football game? We all use the “football as war” metaphor but it sounds as though the halftime show will be a tribute to defense contract bidding strategies featuring the original hundred dollar hammer. Maryland is playing in Maryland which guarantees one thing: they will find the most incredible way to blow the game in the last minute. No team tears your heart out quite like Maryland. Plus, East Carolina is the Pirates and that is kind of like a military.
Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (ESPN): Woo hoo! My Illini actually made it to a bowl game! Not a real game of course and one that seems to lead to a whole host of chili references but we are a fan base that is overjoyed by the prospect of a .500 season. We don’t ask for much out of Illinois football. Mainly just don’t embarrass us and give us something to watch until basketball practice starts. Of course it is horribly unfair to be playing the Texas Bowl in Texas against a team from Texas but that is just par for the course for the Illini. We’ve had to play games with one end zone, in a blizzard and in Fresno this year. A little adversity isn’t going to stop us. I’ll be wearing my orange for this one.
Oh and I’m not even going to bother getting into the new Big Ten logo and the “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. I know the divisions weren’t done geographically but couldn’t we have come up with anything better? Like the “It’s all Nebraska’s fault” and “Minnesota still has a football team?”
Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona (ESPN): I used to make fun of this game a lot but after going to San Antonio with Kim I have to say that it is a rather cool place to visit. You wouldn’t immediately think of it as a vacation spot but it is quite nice and one of these days we will probably visit it again. The Alamodome is a strange and ill-designed stadium, though. It seems to be designed for the sole purpose of getting 20,000 people stuck in the same hallway five minutes before the game starts. Oklahoma State is going to win this game by like 40 so that should be exciting. Oh, and though we all know it is an oil company you can’t hear the name Valero without thinking about some guy singing in an Italian restaurant with his bow tie undone.
December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU (ESPN): This game is being played in Dallas at Gerald Ford Stadium. I mention this because I have no idea where that stadium is or to what school it belongs. I’ve studied these things and I have no clue. Besides, Gerald Ford went to Michigan, played football for Michigan, and represented Michigan in Congress. I have no idea why someone would name a stadium for him in Dallas.
Army is in this game, which is fitting since they a) are part of the armed forces and b) use helicopters. SMU is best known for paying its players to the point that they had to cancel the entire football program for a while. This is no different than basically every other school; they were just dumb enough to get caught. I can’t see how one can cheer against Army in a game like this especially if they break out the camouflage uniforms. I mean, how will SMU even be able to see them?
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Kansas State vs. Syracuse (ESPN): This game is being played in Yankee Stadium, which is going to prove to be quite a challenge for Kansas State fans as they will have to travel to New York and they ain’t never been on a plane before. (Yeah, I know, K State jokes. Easy target. How about this one: the school is trying desperately to convince the fans that even though the team is staying in Manhattan it is not a home game.) While it is cool to watch football in a baseball stadium there really is no reason to be sitting outside in New York at the end of freaking December. I mean, these are two schools that tend to play in real games. Sure it is New York and all but what New Yorker is going to decide that today is the day that they will check out the new Yankee Stadium? Just bizarre. Anyway, a guy from K State cost me a date seven years ago so I have to root for Syracuse. Yes, I know that I am engaged to the woman of my dreams and have had every aspect of my life go the right way for me to reach this point but I’m still bitter.
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina vs. Tennessee (ESPN): It must be hard watching a football game sponsored by the same company that is about to foreclose on your house. Given the foreclosure rate in this country I am truly expecting a Farm Aid type charity concert where instead of trying to save the family farm we try to save the family house. I’m serious here, as I was told today not everything in life is ironic. Tennessee is playing in Nashville so it should be fairly obvious who the winner is going to be. North Carolina will just be happy that they can focus on basketball and / or women’s soccer depending on if Roy Williams decides to pay attention this year or not.
Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. Washington (ESPN): Ok, I have no idea if this is sponsored by a company called “Bridgeport Education” or if the makers of Bridgeport tires are promoting an “Education Holiday”. Given that I believe we now rank last in math and science the last thing we need is an education holiday though I have to admit they are some pretty damn good tires. The Holiday Bowl is historically the highest scoring bowl game and is required by law to feature at least five trick plays including one that recreates the scene from Lucas. This will be Nebraska’s last time representing the Big 12 before they join the Big 10 as its 12th member, thus making everything very confusing.
December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl: Florida International vs. Toledo (ESPN): I’m not sure if Little Caesars offers a bowl product. After seeing the pictures of the Domino’s Pasta Bowls, which I believed caused me to gain ten pounds just by seeing them on a computer screen, I believe that the only thing that could ruin the concept of pizza is forming it into a bowl shape. This game is in Detroit and thus adds to the misery of the city. Seriously, this is the best that they could get for a bowl game. FIU (with the exception of the legendary Ned) is a school that might not actually exist and they are going up against Toledo, which is like the 20th best school in the state of Ohio. Given that all you need to do to get into Ohio State is a) be born in Ohio and b) have a measurable pulse at the age of eighteen it makes you wonder just who decides to go to Toledo (or Ohio State for that matter.) Watch the game only if they promise you free pizza.
December 27th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech (ESPN2): For the second straight year I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what V100 is meant to represent. Might be an insurance company, might be a brand of insulation, or might be a secret government plot. All we know is that it took them 100 tries to get it right. And let us also hold a moment of silence for the legacy of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl, which will also rank as the best bowl game name ever. I yearn to one day own a house so that I can go into a store and buy a Poulan Weed Eater. Anyway, there is a good chance that there will not be a single pass attempt in this entire game. Both teams run the option, which is either fun to watch or the most boring thing imaginable depending on your point of view. Cheer for Air Force because it is the Independence Bowl and they help to keep us free from bees.
December 28th
Champs Sports Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina State (ESPN): Wow, Champs Sports is still in business? I didn’t know if they survived the latest round of dead malls. This is a matchup of two schools that….ok, I have to admit that I have nothing to say about either school’s football program. I’ll just say that I did drink with several of the basketball coaches from West Virginia one night in KC and that the first college basketball game I ever saw featured Jim Valvano’s North Carolina State team. Just watch Valvano’s ESPY speech and consider it a good night.
Insight Bowl: Missouri vs. Iowa (ESPN): This still refers to Insight.com as opposed to just the theoretical concept of insight though more bowl games do need to be about philosophical concepts. As I write this the game has been taken off the board in Vegas because it looks like most of Iowa is going to be suspended due to one of their players running a “drug house”. They should be cut some slack given that it is Iowa City. No one should have to live in Iowa sober. As a former KC resident (and a firm believer that it should be pronounced Missuorah) I’ll cheer for my former state school mainly due to the fact that Columbia is in the middle of nowhere yet still draws some pretty good bands. Hey, at least the team is better than Kansas this year.
December 29th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: East Carolina vs. Maryland (ESPN): Apparently it can no longer be called war profiteering if you use the money to sponsor sporting events. Seriously, is there a more ominous title for a football game? We all use the “football as war” metaphor but it sounds as though the halftime show will be a tribute to defense contract bidding strategies featuring the original hundred dollar hammer. Maryland is playing in Maryland which guarantees one thing: they will find the most incredible way to blow the game in the last minute. No team tears your heart out quite like Maryland. Plus, East Carolina is the Pirates and that is kind of like a military.
Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (ESPN): Woo hoo! My Illini actually made it to a bowl game! Not a real game of course and one that seems to lead to a whole host of chili references but we are a fan base that is overjoyed by the prospect of a .500 season. We don’t ask for much out of Illinois football. Mainly just don’t embarrass us and give us something to watch until basketball practice starts. Of course it is horribly unfair to be playing the Texas Bowl in Texas against a team from Texas but that is just par for the course for the Illini. We’ve had to play games with one end zone, in a blizzard and in Fresno this year. A little adversity isn’t going to stop us. I’ll be wearing my orange for this one.
Oh and I’m not even going to bother getting into the new Big Ten logo and the “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. I know the divisions weren’t done geographically but couldn’t we have come up with anything better? Like the “It’s all Nebraska’s fault” and “Minnesota still has a football team?”
Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona (ESPN): I used to make fun of this game a lot but after going to San Antonio with Kim I have to say that it is a rather cool place to visit. You wouldn’t immediately think of it as a vacation spot but it is quite nice and one of these days we will probably visit it again. The Alamodome is a strange and ill-designed stadium, though. It seems to be designed for the sole purpose of getting 20,000 people stuck in the same hallway five minutes before the game starts. Oklahoma State is going to win this game by like 40 so that should be exciting. Oh, and though we all know it is an oil company you can’t hear the name Valero without thinking about some guy singing in an Italian restaurant with his bow tie undone.
December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU (ESPN): This game is being played in Dallas at Gerald Ford Stadium. I mention this because I have no idea where that stadium is or to what school it belongs. I’ve studied these things and I have no clue. Besides, Gerald Ford went to Michigan, played football for Michigan, and represented Michigan in Congress. I have no idea why someone would name a stadium for him in Dallas.
Army is in this game, which is fitting since they a) are part of the armed forces and b) use helicopters. SMU is best known for paying its players to the point that they had to cancel the entire football program for a while. This is no different than basically every other school; they were just dumb enough to get caught. I can’t see how one can cheer against Army in a game like this especially if they break out the camouflage uniforms. I mean, how will SMU even be able to see them?
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Kansas State vs. Syracuse (ESPN): This game is being played in Yankee Stadium, which is going to prove to be quite a challenge for Kansas State fans as they will have to travel to New York and they ain’t never been on a plane before. (Yeah, I know, K State jokes. Easy target. How about this one: the school is trying desperately to convince the fans that even though the team is staying in Manhattan it is not a home game.) While it is cool to watch football in a baseball stadium there really is no reason to be sitting outside in New York at the end of freaking December. I mean, these are two schools that tend to play in real games. Sure it is New York and all but what New Yorker is going to decide that today is the day that they will check out the new Yankee Stadium? Just bizarre. Anyway, a guy from K State cost me a date seven years ago so I have to root for Syracuse. Yes, I know that I am engaged to the woman of my dreams and have had every aspect of my life go the right way for me to reach this point but I’m still bitter.
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina vs. Tennessee (ESPN): It must be hard watching a football game sponsored by the same company that is about to foreclose on your house. Given the foreclosure rate in this country I am truly expecting a Farm Aid type charity concert where instead of trying to save the family farm we try to save the family house. I’m serious here, as I was told today not everything in life is ironic. Tennessee is playing in Nashville so it should be fairly obvious who the winner is going to be. North Carolina will just be happy that they can focus on basketball and / or women’s soccer depending on if Roy Williams decides to pay attention this year or not.
Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. Washington (ESPN): Ok, I have no idea if this is sponsored by a company called “Bridgeport Education” or if the makers of Bridgeport tires are promoting an “Education Holiday”. Given that I believe we now rank last in math and science the last thing we need is an education holiday though I have to admit they are some pretty damn good tires. The Holiday Bowl is historically the highest scoring bowl game and is required by law to feature at least five trick plays including one that recreates the scene from Lucas. This will be Nebraska’s last time representing the Big 12 before they join the Big 10 as its 12th member, thus making everything very confusing.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
2010 Bowl Preview: Part One
Now that the college football regular season is complete with Army losing once again to Navy, which in term means that Notre Dame ranks somewhere between the two, it is time for me to once again preview each and every one of the bowl games. This will be a multi-night affair as I treat you on what games to watch, players to keep your eyes out for, and explain why one would want to travel to Detroit for a bowl game. Tonight, your pre-Christmas Bowl games.
December 18th
New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP (ESPN): This is the first time in almost a decade that BYU is not in the Las Vegas Bowl. I’m telling you, if you go through my past bowl previews you will find more references to BYU fans playing the change machine than I would like to admit. The New Mexico Bowl promotes all things New Mexico, primarily by featuring the halftime entertainment of Weird Al Yankovic.
(Yes, this song has a second part. It’s the encore of Weird Al’s show; not that I’ve attended a dozen or so of his shows or anything.)
Anyway, it’s BYU against the only school in Texas that doesn’t really care about football in a state whose main source of income is tourism dollars from people searching for UFOs. Can’t imagine a better way to start the bowl season.
uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State (ESPN): I think uDrove is a wonderful sponsor for a bowl game in Boise. Many of the people in the stands will be wondering just why they are in Idaho and they will be reminded that “Hey, you’re the idiot who drove here.” This is also one of the worst games a team can be sent to because, let’s face it, if you’re Northern Illinois you at least hope that you might get sent to a place that is vaguely warm. Instead you are playing on blue turf in Boise. At least for Fresno State they get a chance to get out of Fresno, a place I assume makes Idaho look exciting. Since this is the Humanitarian Bowl I fully expect three roughing the passer penalties, five late hits and at least one player pulling out a gun like The Last Boy Scout.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs. Troy (ESPN): This is a totally unfair game. We have an entire state against just one guy. However, I have to assume that he is one badass guy if he is willing to step on to a field, look at the other team, and just say “bring it.” Ohio is the team whose mascot attacked Brutus the Buckeye earlier this year and then stated that the only reason he tried out for the mascot position was to have a chance to beat up Brutus the Buckeye. If there is one thing that college football needs it is more full contact warfare between mascots. Anyway, if you are in New Orleans and are attending this game I hope that you are related to one of the players because otherwise there are a lot better things you could be doing in that town.
December 21st:
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Mississippi vs. Louisville (ESPN): I’m sorry but for what I assume is a food product a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sounds like the least appetizing thing in the world. I assume that Florence Henderson is the spokesperson but then I am quite concern of what the beef is of, especially since we haven’t seen Christopher Knight on VH-1 recently. This is a classic matchup between the school that Favre attended that by now probably wants to disavow all associations with him and the school that would much rather prefer to just move on to basketball season. I’ll take Southern Miss, just because they are still overjoyed that they didn’t change their team name to the Wranglers.
December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (ESPN): Oh, what could have been. Both these teams were gunning for a BCS Bowl and all Boise State had to do was beat Fresno State and they would have been showing off their blue uniforms in front of the nation. Instead, they will be playing in front of people who didn’t gamble enough to get comped tickets to Cirque du Soleil. This should be a really good game between teams that should be playing on New Year’s Day. Utah has collapsed near the end of the season and Boise wasn’t as good as we all thought but it should still be a good matchup between the best of the non-BCS schools. Plus, you’ll get to hear the “Em double A (honk honk) CO” jingle at least a dozen times and that is always good.
December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State (ESPN): Oh, so much to talk about here. First off, this is the fun bowl where for the entire season Navy has been penciled in to play here because they signed a contract with the bowl before the season even started. Seriously, this has been Navy vs. opponent all season long. Then, you have the fact that it will be a home game for both teams. Navy has all of the military personnel in San Diego and San Diego State is, well, in San Diego. This should make for a pretty fun atmosphere with vocal crowds, which is something you don’t see very often in the bowls. Navy will win, of course, but it should be fun to watch.
But really this game is all about the sponsorship, which is still the most mind bending one in existence. Because think of the nationwide ESPN audience being told in great detail the wonders of the San Diego County Credit Union. The convenience of their ATMs, their competitive interest rates and the fact that 99% of the country is ineligible to take advantage of the San Diego County Credit Union. I will never understand this sponsorship and I take pity on the announcers who must say the full name of the game. However, they do get to say things like “Their defense is playing poisonous right now, much like the Poinsettia plant is so remember to be careful with it over the holiday season.”
December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Tulsa (ESPN): Ah, Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Families are gathered in preparation for the joyous occasion. It is a time for calm and anticipation and spending hours sitting and talking with loved ones. Well, fuck that because Tulsa is playing! Screw your family; when else are you going to get a chance to find out what is the more powerful weather pattern: a Golden Hurricane or a Rainbow?
Yes, instead of watching It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story on endless repeat you can watch Tulsa take on Hawaii in a game that means pretty much nothing other than Tulsa gets a really nice vacation on it. Sucks for the Hawaii team for having to stay home for a bowl game but they live in Hawaii so you really don’t have to feel sorry for them. It’s just nice to know that if you are sick of your family on Christmas Eve there is football to watch. Maybe not good football but football.
Best of 120 Minutes: Remember how Elastica was supposed to become this huge band yet you only heard one song ever? It’s still a good song but I always wondered whatever happened to the band. Also, in keeping with the rules of 90’s alternative bands I am going to assume that all three girls are playing bass guitar.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Vedera “The Weight of an Empty Room”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) C. J. Chenier “Hot Rod”
4) Ryan Adams “Rock N Roll”
5) Richard Buckner “Impasse”
December 18th
New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP (ESPN): This is the first time in almost a decade that BYU is not in the Las Vegas Bowl. I’m telling you, if you go through my past bowl previews you will find more references to BYU fans playing the change machine than I would like to admit. The New Mexico Bowl promotes all things New Mexico, primarily by featuring the halftime entertainment of Weird Al Yankovic.
(Yes, this song has a second part. It’s the encore of Weird Al’s show; not that I’ve attended a dozen or so of his shows or anything.)
Anyway, it’s BYU against the only school in Texas that doesn’t really care about football in a state whose main source of income is tourism dollars from people searching for UFOs. Can’t imagine a better way to start the bowl season.
uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State (ESPN): I think uDrove is a wonderful sponsor for a bowl game in Boise. Many of the people in the stands will be wondering just why they are in Idaho and they will be reminded that “Hey, you’re the idiot who drove here.” This is also one of the worst games a team can be sent to because, let’s face it, if you’re Northern Illinois you at least hope that you might get sent to a place that is vaguely warm. Instead you are playing on blue turf in Boise. At least for Fresno State they get a chance to get out of Fresno, a place I assume makes Idaho look exciting. Since this is the Humanitarian Bowl I fully expect three roughing the passer penalties, five late hits and at least one player pulling out a gun like The Last Boy Scout.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs. Troy (ESPN): This is a totally unfair game. We have an entire state against just one guy. However, I have to assume that he is one badass guy if he is willing to step on to a field, look at the other team, and just say “bring it.” Ohio is the team whose mascot attacked Brutus the Buckeye earlier this year and then stated that the only reason he tried out for the mascot position was to have a chance to beat up Brutus the Buckeye. If there is one thing that college football needs it is more full contact warfare between mascots. Anyway, if you are in New Orleans and are attending this game I hope that you are related to one of the players because otherwise there are a lot better things you could be doing in that town.
December 21st:
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Mississippi vs. Louisville (ESPN): I’m sorry but for what I assume is a food product a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sounds like the least appetizing thing in the world. I assume that Florence Henderson is the spokesperson but then I am quite concern of what the beef is of, especially since we haven’t seen Christopher Knight on VH-1 recently. This is a classic matchup between the school that Favre attended that by now probably wants to disavow all associations with him and the school that would much rather prefer to just move on to basketball season. I’ll take Southern Miss, just because they are still overjoyed that they didn’t change their team name to the Wranglers.
December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (ESPN): Oh, what could have been. Both these teams were gunning for a BCS Bowl and all Boise State had to do was beat Fresno State and they would have been showing off their blue uniforms in front of the nation. Instead, they will be playing in front of people who didn’t gamble enough to get comped tickets to Cirque du Soleil. This should be a really good game between teams that should be playing on New Year’s Day. Utah has collapsed near the end of the season and Boise wasn’t as good as we all thought but it should still be a good matchup between the best of the non-BCS schools. Plus, you’ll get to hear the “Em double A (honk honk) CO” jingle at least a dozen times and that is always good.
December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State (ESPN): Oh, so much to talk about here. First off, this is the fun bowl where for the entire season Navy has been penciled in to play here because they signed a contract with the bowl before the season even started. Seriously, this has been Navy vs. opponent all season long. Then, you have the fact that it will be a home game for both teams. Navy has all of the military personnel in San Diego and San Diego State is, well, in San Diego. This should make for a pretty fun atmosphere with vocal crowds, which is something you don’t see very often in the bowls. Navy will win, of course, but it should be fun to watch.
But really this game is all about the sponsorship, which is still the most mind bending one in existence. Because think of the nationwide ESPN audience being told in great detail the wonders of the San Diego County Credit Union. The convenience of their ATMs, their competitive interest rates and the fact that 99% of the country is ineligible to take advantage of the San Diego County Credit Union. I will never understand this sponsorship and I take pity on the announcers who must say the full name of the game. However, they do get to say things like “Their defense is playing poisonous right now, much like the Poinsettia plant is so remember to be careful with it over the holiday season.”
December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Tulsa (ESPN): Ah, Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Families are gathered in preparation for the joyous occasion. It is a time for calm and anticipation and spending hours sitting and talking with loved ones. Well, fuck that because Tulsa is playing! Screw your family; when else are you going to get a chance to find out what is the more powerful weather pattern: a Golden Hurricane or a Rainbow?
Yes, instead of watching It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story on endless repeat you can watch Tulsa take on Hawaii in a game that means pretty much nothing other than Tulsa gets a really nice vacation on it. Sucks for the Hawaii team for having to stay home for a bowl game but they live in Hawaii so you really don’t have to feel sorry for them. It’s just nice to know that if you are sick of your family on Christmas Eve there is football to watch. Maybe not good football but football.
Best of 120 Minutes: Remember how Elastica was supposed to become this huge band yet you only heard one song ever? It’s still a good song but I always wondered whatever happened to the band. Also, in keeping with the rules of 90’s alternative bands I am going to assume that all three girls are playing bass guitar.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Vedera “The Weight of an Empty Room”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) C. J. Chenier “Hot Rod”
4) Ryan Adams “Rock N Roll”
5) Richard Buckner “Impasse”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Three
We are keeping with the bowl games though there is going to be a slight change. Tonight I will be looking at the non-BCS January games and I’ll post my BCS preview over the weekend. There are just a few too many games to cover in one night. On to the 2010 festivities.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Two
Time for part two of the Battling the Current Bowl Preview Palooza. Tonight we will look at the games from December 28 through the 31st also known as “Games featuring teams you have heard of in bowl games that you wouldn’t spend money to attend because they aren’t in January.” Here we go…
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part One
It’s time for one of Battling the Current’s favorite holiday traditions: the breakdown of every single bowl game in chronological order. The pageantry, the spectacle, the schools from non-existent states! Let’s get to it. Tonight, the games through December 27th also known as “The games for the teams whose season sucked but didn’t suck bad enough that it didn’t warrant one more game to show just how sucky they are.”
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Saturdays are the best days
With college football starting up tomorrow I thought that I would take a look at the games on tap for this weekend and give my expert commentary. I’d even put my money behind my picks except that the courts have banned Delaware’s experiment with sports gambling, which is sad because it was one of the few reasons to live in Delaware. The only reason, actually.
Oregon vs. Boise State: I recommend watching this game in black and white. Partially because it will provide a nice, old timey feel to the game but mainly because a stadium that will feature a team in orange playing a team in neon green and yellow on blue turf is not something that should be watched with the naked eye. I think the color scheme will cause high definition sets to explode. If Boise State wins they get to play in a BCS bowl; if they lose, well, they remain in Idaho.
Utah vs. Utah State: It’s the battle of the Beehive State, such named because…ok, even I don’t know that one. I assume it involves bees. Winner gets domain over all of Utah or at least the portions not owned by the Mormon church which are naturally controlled by BYU.
Central Arkansas vs. Hawaii: The game is at Hawaii which means some guy who accepted a scholarship to Central Arkansas has scored a free trip to Honolulu for this game. Meanwhile, my engineering career at Illinois featured two trips to Chicago for conferences and that is about it. I knew I should have spent more time in the weight room instead of the lab.
Illinois vs. Missourah: It is the Braggin Rights challenge. This is a traditional rivalry game for the Illini, which is interesting because I have no idea what our feud is with Missouri. Outside of the people in the southern part of the state who have some St. Louis envy we consider Missouri to be the home of Branson and not much else. Having lived there for five years I can confirm that once you get past Yakov Smirnoff’s theater in Branson there really isn’t anything else of importance in the entire state. I’m hoping for an Illinois win out of spite more than anything.
Texas vs. Louisiana Monroe: Nice to see the Longhorns starting the season off with a major challenge. When I can’t tell you where Louisiana Monroe is it is a sign that their team is probably not a major contender.
Florida vs. Charleston Southern: My predicted line for Tim Tebow: 280 yards passing, 63 yards rushing, 4 TDs (3 pass, 1 run), and 5 lepers cured. I am so pissed that it was raining in May and I couldn’t get my picture taken in front of the Promise speech that they carved into the stadium wall already. First time I have ever heard of a monument to a college player who was still playing.
(One of my favorite lines ever. The Virginia basketball coach once said of a Duke benchwarmer, “If we had a guy like Taymon Domzalski on our team we would build a statue of him.” To which I replied, “Yes, and he would be fouling Thomas Jefferson.”)
Alabama vs. Virginia Tech: Wow, this should be a great game for the opening weekend. You always have to love southern football games. Huge crowds, an acceptable level of rowdiness and extremely well organized fans. Also, several guys named Bobby Joe will be on the field and we need more of that in sports.
Miami vs. Florida State: Miami wins after Florida State misses a field goal. Or after the NCAA suspends three quarters of the Seminoles team in the first half. Or they just start removing wins from Bowden’s record during the game. Man I hate Florida State.
Oregon vs. Boise State: I recommend watching this game in black and white. Partially because it will provide a nice, old timey feel to the game but mainly because a stadium that will feature a team in orange playing a team in neon green and yellow on blue turf is not something that should be watched with the naked eye. I think the color scheme will cause high definition sets to explode. If Boise State wins they get to play in a BCS bowl; if they lose, well, they remain in Idaho.
Utah vs. Utah State: It’s the battle of the Beehive State, such named because…ok, even I don’t know that one. I assume it involves bees. Winner gets domain over all of Utah or at least the portions not owned by the Mormon church which are naturally controlled by BYU.
Central Arkansas vs. Hawaii: The game is at Hawaii which means some guy who accepted a scholarship to Central Arkansas has scored a free trip to Honolulu for this game. Meanwhile, my engineering career at Illinois featured two trips to Chicago for conferences and that is about it. I knew I should have spent more time in the weight room instead of the lab.
Illinois vs. Missourah: It is the Braggin Rights challenge. This is a traditional rivalry game for the Illini, which is interesting because I have no idea what our feud is with Missouri. Outside of the people in the southern part of the state who have some St. Louis envy we consider Missouri to be the home of Branson and not much else. Having lived there for five years I can confirm that once you get past Yakov Smirnoff’s theater in Branson there really isn’t anything else of importance in the entire state. I’m hoping for an Illinois win out of spite more than anything.
Texas vs. Louisiana Monroe: Nice to see the Longhorns starting the season off with a major challenge. When I can’t tell you where Louisiana Monroe is it is a sign that their team is probably not a major contender.
Florida vs. Charleston Southern: My predicted line for Tim Tebow: 280 yards passing, 63 yards rushing, 4 TDs (3 pass, 1 run), and 5 lepers cured. I am so pissed that it was raining in May and I couldn’t get my picture taken in front of the Promise speech that they carved into the stadium wall already. First time I have ever heard of a monument to a college player who was still playing.
(One of my favorite lines ever. The Virginia basketball coach once said of a Duke benchwarmer, “If we had a guy like Taymon Domzalski on our team we would build a statue of him.” To which I replied, “Yes, and he would be fouling Thomas Jefferson.”)
Alabama vs. Virginia Tech: Wow, this should be a great game for the opening weekend. You always have to love southern football games. Huge crowds, an acceptable level of rowdiness and extremely well organized fans. Also, several guys named Bobby Joe will be on the field and we need more of that in sports.
Miami vs. Florida State: Miami wins after Florida State misses a field goal. Or after the NCAA suspends three quarters of the Seminoles team in the first half. Or they just start removing wins from Bowden’s record during the game. Man I hate Florida State.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Are you ready for some football
It is getting to be that time of year again. Time to fire up the grills, line up the beer bongs and break out the wacky headgear because it’s time for college football. I’ve decided to do some preseason previewing this year. I will start with my review of the Notre Dame schedule.
September 5: Nevada: Notre Dame starts off the season by taking on their historic arch enemy the Nevada Wolf Pack. Because if there is anything that strikes fear in the heart of a leprechaun (other than really tall people) it is a large number of wolves. Actually, we have Bob Davie to thank for this game as he was the coach who pushed to put games on the schedule that Notre Dame would have a chance of winning. It also helps that we no longer have to promote the first game of the season as “the only chance you will have this year to see an undefeated Irish team.”
September 12: At Michigan: Interesting to see how coaching at Michigan has evolved over the years. We’ve gone from Bo (classic, grandfatherly, can’t win a big game) to Gary Moeller (stoic, reserved, can’t win a big game) to Lloyd Carr (always looked like he was about to start sobbing, can’t win a big game) to Rich Rodriguez (voted coach most likely to have a moonshine still on the practice field, can’t win any game.) I don’t care if Michigan is still in rebuilding mode. This game is one that ND has to win to have any sort of positive momentum for the year.
September 19: Michigan State: The game is at Notre Dame this year so it means that we’re going to lose. Michigan State always wins when they play in South Bend. No one knows how or why. Even in the year when Illinois went to East Lansing and beat Michigan State (which was their first Big Ten victory in like two years and was celebrated by planting the Illinois flag at midfield) Michigan State still beat Notre Dame in front of the dome. I think it is the green uniforms. They confuse Jimmy Claussen. That said, fluffy clouds often confuse Jimmy Claussen.
September 26: At Purdue: I almost went to Purdue so I don’t make nearly as much fun of it as I could. I mean, their mascot carries around a large hammer and is obviously compensating for something but I don’t see any need to go there at this time. Also, Purdue’s student newspaper is called the Exponent. How do you know that you are going to a school that is going to have a less than active social life? When the student newspaper is a math pun. Go with the Irish here.
October 3: Washington: Ooh, we get to face Ty again. Wait, he’s not coaching there anymore? Steve Sarkisian is the head coach? What the hell is a Sarkisian? Well, if Notre Dame can’t beat a team that went winless last year we really have no right to be playing football anymore. For those wondering, I always consider this to be the best time of year to see football in South Bend. You are out of the heat of the summer, you have that first refreshing breeze of fall and the town hasn’t become an ice infested hellhole just yet.
October 17: USC: I attended the last game where Notre Dame beat USC. Bob Davie was the coach. If I knew at the time how momentous an occasion it would become I probably would have celebrated with a bit more vigor. Instead I think I went home and studied for an accounting test. Trust me, there is no school I hate more than USC. Ok, maybe Northwestern and wherever Bruce Pearl is coaching but USC is up there just because of that damn song that they play after every single down. Ooh, we gained three yards. Everybody wave their arms like a moron. This is the only ranked opponent on ND’s schedule at the moment and barring an unforeseen circumstance, like USC publishing the team’s payroll on the internet, this will most likely be their first loss of the season.
October 24: Boston College: Like Michigan State, Boston College always beats Notre Dame with teams that have absolutely no talent whatsoever. I think it is due to the accents. Claussen just gets confused in much the same way as a small dog does when confronted with a mirror. (Before anyone gets on me remember that he is 23. You know what I was doing at 23? Working for a living. I sure as hell wasn’t a college junior.) Expect a large number of pink Red Sox hats in the crowd and complaints about the Clam Chowder at the Backer.
October 31: Washington State (in San Antonio): I have no idea why this game is in San Antonio. I am guessing that one of the athletic directors just really likes the Riverwalk. Or maybe we are just doing an early scouting trip for an Alamo Bowl berth. Either way, the chili will be flowing, the ten gallon hats will be waving and the…the…insert other Texas cliché here. I mean, it is Washington State. That team will only be interesting if they can get Ryan Leaf out of prison to return to the field.
November 7: Navy: I was at the Notre Dame – Navy game in Baltimore last year. Here is what I learned. 1) It is impossible to reach the Baltimore stadium (I swear I spent an hour and a half on an off ramp), 2) Being able to drink without the fear of ushers at a game makes watching Notre Dame football much more enjoyable, 3) Navy fans are extremely cool, 4) Leaving a game during a monsoon means that I will miss the only interesting part of the entire game. I’m guessing we move our winning streak against Navy up to two here.
November 14: At Pittsburgh: I just read Michael Chabon’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” which features a character named Cleveland. I take that to be the first mystery. Other mysteries include “What is the meaning of the cloud factory”, “Why is the Steelers logo only on one side of the helmet” and “My god, they still let Dave Waanstadt coach a football team?” Here is a simple gambling rule of thumb that has helped me out many a time: If you see Waanstadt on the sideline, take the other side. Hell, if he ever becomes a sideline reporter I would still take the team that is standing as far away from him as possible.
November 21: Connecticut: The Joyce Center will be rocking as the Huskies come to town for an early season matchup of two basketball….wait, this is still football? Why the hell are we playing UConn? Who the hell wants to sit in South Bend in late November and watch UConn? I now understand why everyone is making fun of our schedule this year. It just looks silly.
November 28: At Stanford: And the regular season mercifully ends. Stanford is another rival because, well, they are supposedly intelligent. Mainly they are a bunch of hippie freaks who are too corporate to go to Berkley but still they are primarily intelligent. Also, their tree mascot is often drunk during the games and I fully support intoxicated mascots at all times.
My prediction? I will go with 9-3 for the Irish this year. They could legitimately be 11-1 based on the weakness of their schedule but I just see them losing two games that they should win. That will keep them out of the BCS (where they would get smoked) but should put them in a decent bowl.
September 5: Nevada: Notre Dame starts off the season by taking on their historic arch enemy the Nevada Wolf Pack. Because if there is anything that strikes fear in the heart of a leprechaun (other than really tall people) it is a large number of wolves. Actually, we have Bob Davie to thank for this game as he was the coach who pushed to put games on the schedule that Notre Dame would have a chance of winning. It also helps that we no longer have to promote the first game of the season as “the only chance you will have this year to see an undefeated Irish team.”
September 12: At Michigan: Interesting to see how coaching at Michigan has evolved over the years. We’ve gone from Bo (classic, grandfatherly, can’t win a big game) to Gary Moeller (stoic, reserved, can’t win a big game) to Lloyd Carr (always looked like he was about to start sobbing, can’t win a big game) to Rich Rodriguez (voted coach most likely to have a moonshine still on the practice field, can’t win any game.) I don’t care if Michigan is still in rebuilding mode. This game is one that ND has to win to have any sort of positive momentum for the year.
September 19: Michigan State: The game is at Notre Dame this year so it means that we’re going to lose. Michigan State always wins when they play in South Bend. No one knows how or why. Even in the year when Illinois went to East Lansing and beat Michigan State (which was their first Big Ten victory in like two years and was celebrated by planting the Illinois flag at midfield) Michigan State still beat Notre Dame in front of the dome. I think it is the green uniforms. They confuse Jimmy Claussen. That said, fluffy clouds often confuse Jimmy Claussen.
September 26: At Purdue: I almost went to Purdue so I don’t make nearly as much fun of it as I could. I mean, their mascot carries around a large hammer and is obviously compensating for something but I don’t see any need to go there at this time. Also, Purdue’s student newspaper is called the Exponent. How do you know that you are going to a school that is going to have a less than active social life? When the student newspaper is a math pun. Go with the Irish here.
October 3: Washington: Ooh, we get to face Ty again. Wait, he’s not coaching there anymore? Steve Sarkisian is the head coach? What the hell is a Sarkisian? Well, if Notre Dame can’t beat a team that went winless last year we really have no right to be playing football anymore. For those wondering, I always consider this to be the best time of year to see football in South Bend. You are out of the heat of the summer, you have that first refreshing breeze of fall and the town hasn’t become an ice infested hellhole just yet.
October 17: USC: I attended the last game where Notre Dame beat USC. Bob Davie was the coach. If I knew at the time how momentous an occasion it would become I probably would have celebrated with a bit more vigor. Instead I think I went home and studied for an accounting test. Trust me, there is no school I hate more than USC. Ok, maybe Northwestern and wherever Bruce Pearl is coaching but USC is up there just because of that damn song that they play after every single down. Ooh, we gained three yards. Everybody wave their arms like a moron. This is the only ranked opponent on ND’s schedule at the moment and barring an unforeseen circumstance, like USC publishing the team’s payroll on the internet, this will most likely be their first loss of the season.
October 24: Boston College: Like Michigan State, Boston College always beats Notre Dame with teams that have absolutely no talent whatsoever. I think it is due to the accents. Claussen just gets confused in much the same way as a small dog does when confronted with a mirror. (Before anyone gets on me remember that he is 23. You know what I was doing at 23? Working for a living. I sure as hell wasn’t a college junior.) Expect a large number of pink Red Sox hats in the crowd and complaints about the Clam Chowder at the Backer.
October 31: Washington State (in San Antonio): I have no idea why this game is in San Antonio. I am guessing that one of the athletic directors just really likes the Riverwalk. Or maybe we are just doing an early scouting trip for an Alamo Bowl berth. Either way, the chili will be flowing, the ten gallon hats will be waving and the…the…insert other Texas cliché here. I mean, it is Washington State. That team will only be interesting if they can get Ryan Leaf out of prison to return to the field.
November 7: Navy: I was at the Notre Dame – Navy game in Baltimore last year. Here is what I learned. 1) It is impossible to reach the Baltimore stadium (I swear I spent an hour and a half on an off ramp), 2) Being able to drink without the fear of ushers at a game makes watching Notre Dame football much more enjoyable, 3) Navy fans are extremely cool, 4) Leaving a game during a monsoon means that I will miss the only interesting part of the entire game. I’m guessing we move our winning streak against Navy up to two here.
November 14: At Pittsburgh: I just read Michael Chabon’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” which features a character named Cleveland. I take that to be the first mystery. Other mysteries include “What is the meaning of the cloud factory”, “Why is the Steelers logo only on one side of the helmet” and “My god, they still let Dave Waanstadt coach a football team?” Here is a simple gambling rule of thumb that has helped me out many a time: If you see Waanstadt on the sideline, take the other side. Hell, if he ever becomes a sideline reporter I would still take the team that is standing as far away from him as possible.
November 21: Connecticut: The Joyce Center will be rocking as the Huskies come to town for an early season matchup of two basketball….wait, this is still football? Why the hell are we playing UConn? Who the hell wants to sit in South Bend in late November and watch UConn? I now understand why everyone is making fun of our schedule this year. It just looks silly.
November 28: At Stanford: And the regular season mercifully ends. Stanford is another rival because, well, they are supposedly intelligent. Mainly they are a bunch of hippie freaks who are too corporate to go to Berkley but still they are primarily intelligent. Also, their tree mascot is often drunk during the games and I fully support intoxicated mascots at all times.
My prediction? I will go with 9-3 for the Irish this year. They could legitimately be 11-1 based on the weakness of their schedule but I just see them losing two games that they should win. That will keep them out of the BCS (where they would get smoked) but should put them in a decent bowl.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Three)
Time for the final installment in the college bowl preview extravaganza. We finish off with the January bowl games otherwise known as “the only games that matter, though a few of them really don’t.”
January 1:
Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa: The bloody mary of bowl games as this is your first taste of football after a night of debauchery. Once again, my internal twelve year old’s dream of a South Carolina – Oregon State matchup has been thwarted. My hatred for Iowa holds no bounds. This is not just because I am an Illini and for some reason we hate Iowa and all the people in the state (mainly because they are so arrogant in the way they act like they invented corn). It is also because I have had to drive through the state on numerous occasions and other than picking up the Rural Singles Guide at the rest areas there is absolutely nothing to do in the entire state. So I’ll cheer for Steve Spurrier on the hope that his winning in Carolina keeps him at bay.
Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State: Back in the good old days this was the Citrus Bowl with the annual matchup of Tennessee vs. Big 10 Team That Overachieved in the Regular Season. Now we name it for a bank that may or may not exist (though it does promote itself through superheroes) and it still features a Big 10 team that surprised you. This year it is Michigan State which for the first time in its history actually played up to expectations. For that they get to face Georgia which at one point was a national title contender until everyone realized that they weren’t a very good team. I’ll cheer for the Big 10 out of habit and hope that they still do that Mascot Bowl at halftime.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson: Sponsored by the camera used by Ashton Kutcher the Gator Bowl is best known for taking place in Jacksonville where when they ask you to leave the bar it is wise to just leave the bar. This would be an incredible matchup if it were 1981 and cable television did not exist. Instead we feature a Clemson team that might still be employing one of the interchangeable Bowdens as coach against a Nebraska team that really should be helping get the crops in for winter at this time. Also, for those who think that the name “Cornhuskers” sounds slightly bizarre there is a high school team in Illinois whose nickname is, and I am not making this up, the “Cornjerkers”. As a rule, you do not send little kids over to meet their mascot.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi: Penn State vs. USC: I am cheering for Penn State in this one for one reason and one reason only. Every win by Penn State makes it that much more likely that Joe Paterno will remain head coach. This will then result in Penn State combining the brightest minds in their engineering and medical schools to create a robot body for Joe Pa so that he will be able to coach indefinitely. Meca-Paterno will have advanced features like infrared vision and a flamethrower in order to best challenge officials rulings. Meca-Paterno will not be stopped. We will all fall to him as robots are strong and their hands are made of metal. This is what football is about.
On the other hand you will have Pete Carroll deciding to go one step beyond wearing red jerseys as the visiting team and will order half of his players to wear no jerseys, a quarter to not wear shoulder pads and the remainder to not wear helmets. They will also play under Canadian Football rules the entire game and will not be able to use the same player as quarterback twice in any given quarter. They will still be a two touchdown favorite.
A few of you will get up early enough to watch the Rose Bowl parade. For those of you who will not I will now provide all of the comments that you would have made if you were awake. “Wow, isn’t that float pretty?”, “Look, another marching band”, “Willard Scott is still alive?”, “They really should have a float made entirely out of hemp” and “Given that you are in my apartment it is safe for me to assume that I kissed you at midnight?” I, on the other hand, will just set my DVR to record the game on the hope of catching one of the Song Girls cheering for the wrong team again.
FedEx Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech: Of all the BCS Bowl Games the Orange Bowl seems to always suffer the worst fate. First, they get the teams that no one wants to see in the BCS to begin with. In years where the Big East and ACC can’t put together a decent football team they should just end football season early and start basketball practice. No one would mind and it would save me from having to write about a Cincy team that does not have a single player that I could name and a Virginia Tech team that lost to East Carolina. Besides the horrible matchups the Orange Bowl also has lost much of the mystique that it used to have. It was the evening game after a full slate of daytime bowl games and it featured the extravaganza that was the Orange Bowl halftime show. The halftime show was often a thirty minute extravaganza featuring elephants, fireworks and washed up celebrities who would otherwise have been working on cruise ships. The third quarter was always fun to watch as the teams had lost their rhythm and had to deal with tire tracks on the field. Smart teams would actually perform surgeries during halftime to repair injuries suffered during the first half. I believe that one year Miami successfully installed a wishbone offense at halftime. Now I’ll just probably watch Chris Berman talk for ten minutes. Takes all the fun out of it.
January 2:
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech: I’m going to be working on January 2nd. A decent number of people will be working as you typically don’t want to blow a vacation day on your first day in the office. So I have to say I am really confused why this game isn’t on New Year’s Day. It will be a fun game to watch since Texas Tech runs the Playstation offense in which you line up with five wide receivers on every down regardless of where you are on the field. Of all the Big 12 squads they are the most fun to watch and since they are new to the national scene you don’t feel bad for cheering them. Ole Miss will feature Archie Manning on the sidelines because I believe it is a law that he must be on the sideline whenever anyone cares about the result of an Ole Miss game. Also, have to love the fact that it is assumed that people can’t spell Mississippi so we just call the school Ole Miss.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina: Nothing could be finer than living in East Caroliner. My first Illinois game was against East Carolina and I couldn’t find the state then and I can’t find it now. It does have Skip Holtz though so that counts for something. What I like most about the Liberty Bowl is that every year they make this game later and later to the point that now it is in January. This is interesting because the game is played in Memphis and while it is technically a southern city it really isn’t a warm temperature destination. So every day the game is delayed the odds of having the instruments freeze to the faces of the members of the marching bands increases exponentially. You just can’t pay for that type of entertainment value anywhere else.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Utah vs. Alabama: I haven’t checked with my New Orleans crew as to how the city is taking this matchup. They must love having Alabama in town but are probably a little afraid of the Utah fans. This is because of the dirty little secret behind bowl games and why they don’t want a playoff. Bowl games are meant as a windfall for the cities that host them. For a place like New Orleans the Sugar Bowl (along with Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest) is when the bars earn their profit for the year. So they want nothing more than to have two teams with fanbases who travel well, drink heavily and in the case of the Sugar Bowl, are willing to buy large amounts of plastic beads and enter houses of ill repute. And while Alabama fits the bill Utah might be a little bit of a tougher sell.
I’ll give credit to Utah for making it back to the BCS. Two berths without being in a major conference is a big accomplishment (and one that I don’t see Notre Dame putting together any time soon). But I’ll cheer for Bama just because they are classic college football. Just look at the jerseys and the fans. They epitomize the game. Even if you never understand what an elephant has to do with the Crimson Tide it is still a team you want to cheer for.
January 3:
International Bowl: Buffalo vs. Connecticut: This game is being played in Toronto, which actually makes it convenient for both the teams and the fans. I also love the fact that Toronto is considered international given that the city is used as a backdrop for Chicago or New York in every television show and movie ever made. I don’t think you can call yourself a world traveler if all you have done is visited Toronto. This game features two schools that most people would be surprised to have football teams. In fact, most people would be surprised to find that there is a school named Buffalo. I’m not even sure if I believe it. There is a possibility that this is a nefarious plot by the Canadians to distract us in advance of an invasion but I would not be too concerned. Their military’s advance will be slowed by the fact that they will have to bring out the zamboni every twenty minutes.
January 5:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Ohio State vs. Texas: My impersonation of a Texas fan. “Wah, we should be in the title game!” My impersonation of an Ohio State fan: “Got to love any school that will admit you solely because you were born in the state of Ohio and can lift a pencil.” This certainly looks like it will be a good matchup and I want to see more of the Ohio State QB. He plays like Juice Williams but with things like an arm and poise. They will be matched by a Texas team out to run up the score in the hopes of securing a claim of the title. This is one to watch.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Ball State vs. Toledo: Really? We have to wait until January 6th for this game? Is this the second most important game of the season? Do Ball State and Toledo need that much time to prepare? Is the trip to Detroit….wait a minute, this game isn’t in Detroit? The GMAC Bowl is in Alabama? Why the hell is General Motors sponsoring a bowl game in Alabama? First GMAC becomes a bank and starts advertising that I should buy a CD from them since I won’t buy a car from them and now they are sending their advertising dollars out of state? This is totally wrong. I’m going with Ball State just because it is the home of David Letterman.
January 8:
FedEx BCS National Championship Game: Florida vs. Oklahoma: The granddaddy of all the bowl games: the…it’s not even called a bowl game? Wow, you think they would have come up with a better title. So this is the game for the national title between the two most deserving teams. Well, if you ignore the fact that Utah and Boise State are still undefeated. And that Penn State and USC both won their conferences with one loss as well. And that Texas actually beat Oklahoma. And that Alabama is super cool. So yeah, this one will clear up everything.
Let’s look at the two teams. You have Oklahoma, which has just been slaughtering its opponents and scoring something like 60 points a game all year. I’m still not sold on whether that is because they have a great offense or that no one in the Big 12 knows how to play defense. It is not as though those game were 63-3. They have played a lot of tough teams, though. Florida, on the other hand, made its way through the SEC with just a loss to Ole Miss to its credit. A loss that cased Tim Tebow to give his Gipper speech, which announcers are saying will be remembered forever though I still feel he sounds kind of like a dork when he is saying it. Still, they guy knows how to win and he beat Alabama by himself on Saturday.
My pick: If Percy Harvin is healthy I see Florida winning this one easily. No way can Oklahoma match all the weapons that Florida brings to the table. If Harvin’s ankle isn’t healed I still would go with Florida. I just trust Tim Tebow when the game is on the line.
Wednesday Night Music Club: People wonder why I am a fan of Arcade Fire. One simple reason: no one else writes song about power outages.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa: The bloody mary of bowl games as this is your first taste of football after a night of debauchery. Once again, my internal twelve year old’s dream of a South Carolina – Oregon State matchup has been thwarted. My hatred for Iowa holds no bounds. This is not just because I am an Illini and for some reason we hate Iowa and all the people in the state (mainly because they are so arrogant in the way they act like they invented corn). It is also because I have had to drive through the state on numerous occasions and other than picking up the Rural Singles Guide at the rest areas there is absolutely nothing to do in the entire state. So I’ll cheer for Steve Spurrier on the hope that his winning in Carolina keeps him at bay.
Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State: Back in the good old days this was the Citrus Bowl with the annual matchup of Tennessee vs. Big 10 Team That Overachieved in the Regular Season. Now we name it for a bank that may or may not exist (though it does promote itself through superheroes) and it still features a Big 10 team that surprised you. This year it is Michigan State which for the first time in its history actually played up to expectations. For that they get to face Georgia which at one point was a national title contender until everyone realized that they weren’t a very good team. I’ll cheer for the Big 10 out of habit and hope that they still do that Mascot Bowl at halftime.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson: Sponsored by the camera used by Ashton Kutcher the Gator Bowl is best known for taking place in Jacksonville where when they ask you to leave the bar it is wise to just leave the bar. This would be an incredible matchup if it were 1981 and cable television did not exist. Instead we feature a Clemson team that might still be employing one of the interchangeable Bowdens as coach against a Nebraska team that really should be helping get the crops in for winter at this time. Also, for those who think that the name “Cornhuskers” sounds slightly bizarre there is a high school team in Illinois whose nickname is, and I am not making this up, the “Cornjerkers”. As a rule, you do not send little kids over to meet their mascot.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi: Penn State vs. USC: I am cheering for Penn State in this one for one reason and one reason only. Every win by Penn State makes it that much more likely that Joe Paterno will remain head coach. This will then result in Penn State combining the brightest minds in their engineering and medical schools to create a robot body for Joe Pa so that he will be able to coach indefinitely. Meca-Paterno will have advanced features like infrared vision and a flamethrower in order to best challenge officials rulings. Meca-Paterno will not be stopped. We will all fall to him as robots are strong and their hands are made of metal. This is what football is about.
On the other hand you will have Pete Carroll deciding to go one step beyond wearing red jerseys as the visiting team and will order half of his players to wear no jerseys, a quarter to not wear shoulder pads and the remainder to not wear helmets. They will also play under Canadian Football rules the entire game and will not be able to use the same player as quarterback twice in any given quarter. They will still be a two touchdown favorite.
A few of you will get up early enough to watch the Rose Bowl parade. For those of you who will not I will now provide all of the comments that you would have made if you were awake. “Wow, isn’t that float pretty?”, “Look, another marching band”, “Willard Scott is still alive?”, “They really should have a float made entirely out of hemp” and “Given that you are in my apartment it is safe for me to assume that I kissed you at midnight?” I, on the other hand, will just set my DVR to record the game on the hope of catching one of the Song Girls cheering for the wrong team again.
FedEx Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech: Of all the BCS Bowl Games the Orange Bowl seems to always suffer the worst fate. First, they get the teams that no one wants to see in the BCS to begin with. In years where the Big East and ACC can’t put together a decent football team they should just end football season early and start basketball practice. No one would mind and it would save me from having to write about a Cincy team that does not have a single player that I could name and a Virginia Tech team that lost to East Carolina. Besides the horrible matchups the Orange Bowl also has lost much of the mystique that it used to have. It was the evening game after a full slate of daytime bowl games and it featured the extravaganza that was the Orange Bowl halftime show. The halftime show was often a thirty minute extravaganza featuring elephants, fireworks and washed up celebrities who would otherwise have been working on cruise ships. The third quarter was always fun to watch as the teams had lost their rhythm and had to deal with tire tracks on the field. Smart teams would actually perform surgeries during halftime to repair injuries suffered during the first half. I believe that one year Miami successfully installed a wishbone offense at halftime. Now I’ll just probably watch Chris Berman talk for ten minutes. Takes all the fun out of it.
January 2:
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech: I’m going to be working on January 2nd. A decent number of people will be working as you typically don’t want to blow a vacation day on your first day in the office. So I have to say I am really confused why this game isn’t on New Year’s Day. It will be a fun game to watch since Texas Tech runs the Playstation offense in which you line up with five wide receivers on every down regardless of where you are on the field. Of all the Big 12 squads they are the most fun to watch and since they are new to the national scene you don’t feel bad for cheering them. Ole Miss will feature Archie Manning on the sidelines because I believe it is a law that he must be on the sideline whenever anyone cares about the result of an Ole Miss game. Also, have to love the fact that it is assumed that people can’t spell Mississippi so we just call the school Ole Miss.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina: Nothing could be finer than living in East Caroliner. My first Illinois game was against East Carolina and I couldn’t find the state then and I can’t find it now. It does have Skip Holtz though so that counts for something. What I like most about the Liberty Bowl is that every year they make this game later and later to the point that now it is in January. This is interesting because the game is played in Memphis and while it is technically a southern city it really isn’t a warm temperature destination. So every day the game is delayed the odds of having the instruments freeze to the faces of the members of the marching bands increases exponentially. You just can’t pay for that type of entertainment value anywhere else.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Utah vs. Alabama: I haven’t checked with my New Orleans crew as to how the city is taking this matchup. They must love having Alabama in town but are probably a little afraid of the Utah fans. This is because of the dirty little secret behind bowl games and why they don’t want a playoff. Bowl games are meant as a windfall for the cities that host them. For a place like New Orleans the Sugar Bowl (along with Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest) is when the bars earn their profit for the year. So they want nothing more than to have two teams with fanbases who travel well, drink heavily and in the case of the Sugar Bowl, are willing to buy large amounts of plastic beads and enter houses of ill repute. And while Alabama fits the bill Utah might be a little bit of a tougher sell.
I’ll give credit to Utah for making it back to the BCS. Two berths without being in a major conference is a big accomplishment (and one that I don’t see Notre Dame putting together any time soon). But I’ll cheer for Bama just because they are classic college football. Just look at the jerseys and the fans. They epitomize the game. Even if you never understand what an elephant has to do with the Crimson Tide it is still a team you want to cheer for.
January 3:
International Bowl: Buffalo vs. Connecticut: This game is being played in Toronto, which actually makes it convenient for both the teams and the fans. I also love the fact that Toronto is considered international given that the city is used as a backdrop for Chicago or New York in every television show and movie ever made. I don’t think you can call yourself a world traveler if all you have done is visited Toronto. This game features two schools that most people would be surprised to have football teams. In fact, most people would be surprised to find that there is a school named Buffalo. I’m not even sure if I believe it. There is a possibility that this is a nefarious plot by the Canadians to distract us in advance of an invasion but I would not be too concerned. Their military’s advance will be slowed by the fact that they will have to bring out the zamboni every twenty minutes.
January 5:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Ohio State vs. Texas: My impersonation of a Texas fan. “Wah, we should be in the title game!” My impersonation of an Ohio State fan: “Got to love any school that will admit you solely because you were born in the state of Ohio and can lift a pencil.” This certainly looks like it will be a good matchup and I want to see more of the Ohio State QB. He plays like Juice Williams but with things like an arm and poise. They will be matched by a Texas team out to run up the score in the hopes of securing a claim of the title. This is one to watch.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Ball State vs. Toledo: Really? We have to wait until January 6th for this game? Is this the second most important game of the season? Do Ball State and Toledo need that much time to prepare? Is the trip to Detroit….wait a minute, this game isn’t in Detroit? The GMAC Bowl is in Alabama? Why the hell is General Motors sponsoring a bowl game in Alabama? First GMAC becomes a bank and starts advertising that I should buy a CD from them since I won’t buy a car from them and now they are sending their advertising dollars out of state? This is totally wrong. I’m going with Ball State just because it is the home of David Letterman.
January 8:
FedEx BCS National Championship Game: Florida vs. Oklahoma: The granddaddy of all the bowl games: the…it’s not even called a bowl game? Wow, you think they would have come up with a better title. So this is the game for the national title between the two most deserving teams. Well, if you ignore the fact that Utah and Boise State are still undefeated. And that Penn State and USC both won their conferences with one loss as well. And that Texas actually beat Oklahoma. And that Alabama is super cool. So yeah, this one will clear up everything.
Let’s look at the two teams. You have Oklahoma, which has just been slaughtering its opponents and scoring something like 60 points a game all year. I’m still not sold on whether that is because they have a great offense or that no one in the Big 12 knows how to play defense. It is not as though those game were 63-3. They have played a lot of tough teams, though. Florida, on the other hand, made its way through the SEC with just a loss to Ole Miss to its credit. A loss that cased Tim Tebow to give his Gipper speech, which announcers are saying will be remembered forever though I still feel he sounds kind of like a dork when he is saying it. Still, they guy knows how to win and he beat Alabama by himself on Saturday.
My pick: If Percy Harvin is healthy I see Florida winning this one easily. No way can Oklahoma match all the weapons that Florida brings to the table. If Harvin’s ankle isn’t healed I still would go with Florida. I just trust Tim Tebow when the game is on the line.
Wednesday Night Music Club: People wonder why I am a fan of Arcade Fire. One simple reason: no one else writes song about power outages.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Two)
Time for Part II in the three part examination of every bowl game under the sun (including the Sun Bowl, which I guess is technically on the sun.) Tonight, The December 30th and 31st games also known as “for having a respectable season enjoy this trip to someplace warm while playing a game that no one will remember a week from now.”
December 30:
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Maryland vs. Nevada: I am so pissed that I am going to be working when this game is on. Thankfully, I work in an office surrounded by televisions and might be able to coerce one into being tuned to my favorite bowl game of the year. Let’s count the things that make this game awesome: 1) Whereas bowl games were originally named for things that you could put in a bowl (roses, oranges, tangerines, blue bonnets) this game is named after the vague concept of humanitarianism, 2) The fact that humanitarianism is celebrated via an event where large men try to hit each other as hard as possible is a wonder to behold, 3) The game is in Boise, Idaho thus meaning that Maryland fans get to celebrate an above average season by going to Idaho, 4) Bronco Stadium in Boise has the smurf turf, which makes for an amazing sight from a television perspective and also creates situations where birds dive to their deaths thinking that the field is a lake. I like any bowl game where the overall reaction to watching it is, “What the hell?”
Texas Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Rice: You don’t mess with the Texas Bowl. If you were allowed to mess with it I would wish to rename it the “Bowl of Texas Chili featuring Rice”. Otherwise there is no real reason for this game to exist. Given that it is on the NFL Network there is a strong possibility that this game does not actually exist. No one cares about the two teams, no one is going to see the game, and there is no history to the event. For the sake of time could we just have a member of each team sit in front of an Xbox and play NCAA Football 2009 to determine the winner? It would probably draw higher ratings.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon: Of all the early bowl games this is the only one that has any sense of history to it. I mean real history as opposed to funny stories regarding sponsorships. National champions (or at least BYU) have been crowned in this game and it usually features a final score of 57-52 with seven interceptions, three safeties, and one player spontaneously combusting in the third quarter. This is one of those bad color matchups as we have Oklahoma State, the only team that can find a bad shade of orange to use in its uniforms, against Oregon who usually shows up in some Nike abomination featuring fire truck yellow and fluorescent lime green. If that occurs I recommend switching from high def in this one.
(I really do wonder why more teams do not use orange in their team colors. I always felt that Illinois looks really sweet with a stadium decked out in the color.)
December 31:
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Total mismatch in this one. Air Force consists of players who are a) members of the armed forces and b) trained in flying helicopters whereas Houston mainly consists of guys who are constantly told how awesome Andre Ware used to be. The game is being held in Fort Worth at the Amon G. Carter Stadium thus raising the question “Why doesn’t anyone name their kids Amon anymore?” You do have to wonder how valuable a sponsorship this is for Bell Helicopter though. I can see Pacific Life hoping that someone will tune into the game and go, “I really need to pick up some life insurance.” How many people will being sitting on the couch and turn to the wife and say, “You know what we need? Our own helicopter.”
Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh: Yes, it is the return of the Brut Sun Bowl brought to you by Faberge. Always have to respect any game sponsored by a cologne that you thought would get you laid when you were thirteen. Why Wrangler, Old Spice and Polo in the Green Bottle Splashed On In Amounts That Will Kill a Small Animal do not have similar sponsorships is a mystery for the ages. Pitt is coached by Dave Wannstadt, the sworn enemy of all Chicago Bears fans and the owner of the best porn mustache amongst the college coaching fraternity. The fact that I was present for Wanny outcoaching Weis this year explains just why I would like to see Charlie outsourced as soon as possible. This will leave me cheering for Oregon State whose fans did produce my second most favorite sign seen on ESPN this year. During the Oregon-Oregon State game (where a win would have given them the Pac-10 title) two female Oregon State fans held up a sign that read “These Beavers smell like roses”. 10 out 10 for originality on that one.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: My favorite sign on ESPN was when Vanderbilt hosted Auburn and a guy held up a sign that read “My butler went to Auburn.” Now that is SEC football for you. Vanderbilt is like Northwestern or Duke or Stanford except without the prestige and notoriety. Yes, it is a top school but it just doesn’t carry the same cache as other schools. Boston College will take the field with various Fluties, a number of female fans in pink jerseys and the air of smugness that is now apparently a god given right for every Boston sports fan. Fun Fact: this Nashville based game is being played at LP Field, which creates this whole retro, analog based feel to the entire event.
Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota: I assume that everyone in Kansas City is already sick of hearing the sportscasters giving their insights on the Insight Bowl. Personally, I would be proud of the fact that they are advanced enough to create the pun. This is an epic rivalry between two vaguely Midwestern states which are close enough to be aware of each other but not close enough for anything to really matter. It is more of a matter of determining once and for all which animal reigns supreme: the gopher or the jayhawk. Or which band is better: The Replacements or, uh, Kansas? The Jayhawks were from Minnesota so my musical analogies here are going to get very confusing very quickly.
This game is easy to pick for one reason and one reason only.
One does not mess with the awesome power that is Baby Mangino.
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Flying out of Philadelphia, especially on US Air, is one of the worst experiences known to man. All it is is a mass of delays, crowds, and twenty dollar a day parking lots. So when I had to fly out the Sunday of Thanksgiving for work my sole comfort was that I would get to have dinner at the Chick-Fil-A in the US Air terminal. Except that I found out that even at the airport on the busiest travel day of the year they follow the rule that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday because it is meant to be a day of rest. You would not believe how upset this made me. I had never wanted an overrated chicken sandwich more in my life. This is almost as bad as no longer calling this the Peach Bowl. If the game is in Georgia then it is the Peach Bowl. No questions asked.
This game is made for me. I get a scrappy Georgia Tech team running the triple option coached by the old Navy head coach. I have my fellow Cajuns taking the field and running around like madmen. Plus the game is at night on New Year’s Eve so people like me will have something to watch as we sit morosely in our apartments, alone and miserable, wondering about how our lives have become a pathetic farce of the idyllic world that we are force fed by mass media every moment of our existence. Oh, and we get commercials that feature parachuting cows! So we have existential crisis, gimmick offenses and cows. Best way to end a year that I know of.
Tomorrow: The January games in which we answer the question “What Big Ten team will I watch lose this year while nursing a hangover?”
December 30:
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Maryland vs. Nevada: I am so pissed that I am going to be working when this game is on. Thankfully, I work in an office surrounded by televisions and might be able to coerce one into being tuned to my favorite bowl game of the year. Let’s count the things that make this game awesome: 1) Whereas bowl games were originally named for things that you could put in a bowl (roses, oranges, tangerines, blue bonnets) this game is named after the vague concept of humanitarianism, 2) The fact that humanitarianism is celebrated via an event where large men try to hit each other as hard as possible is a wonder to behold, 3) The game is in Boise, Idaho thus meaning that Maryland fans get to celebrate an above average season by going to Idaho, 4) Bronco Stadium in Boise has the smurf turf, which makes for an amazing sight from a television perspective and also creates situations where birds dive to their deaths thinking that the field is a lake. I like any bowl game where the overall reaction to watching it is, “What the hell?”
Texas Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Rice: You don’t mess with the Texas Bowl. If you were allowed to mess with it I would wish to rename it the “Bowl of Texas Chili featuring Rice”. Otherwise there is no real reason for this game to exist. Given that it is on the NFL Network there is a strong possibility that this game does not actually exist. No one cares about the two teams, no one is going to see the game, and there is no history to the event. For the sake of time could we just have a member of each team sit in front of an Xbox and play NCAA Football 2009 to determine the winner? It would probably draw higher ratings.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon: Of all the early bowl games this is the only one that has any sense of history to it. I mean real history as opposed to funny stories regarding sponsorships. National champions (or at least BYU) have been crowned in this game and it usually features a final score of 57-52 with seven interceptions, three safeties, and one player spontaneously combusting in the third quarter. This is one of those bad color matchups as we have Oklahoma State, the only team that can find a bad shade of orange to use in its uniforms, against Oregon who usually shows up in some Nike abomination featuring fire truck yellow and fluorescent lime green. If that occurs I recommend switching from high def in this one.
(I really do wonder why more teams do not use orange in their team colors. I always felt that Illinois looks really sweet with a stadium decked out in the color.)
December 31:
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Total mismatch in this one. Air Force consists of players who are a) members of the armed forces and b) trained in flying helicopters whereas Houston mainly consists of guys who are constantly told how awesome Andre Ware used to be. The game is being held in Fort Worth at the Amon G. Carter Stadium thus raising the question “Why doesn’t anyone name their kids Amon anymore?” You do have to wonder how valuable a sponsorship this is for Bell Helicopter though. I can see Pacific Life hoping that someone will tune into the game and go, “I really need to pick up some life insurance.” How many people will being sitting on the couch and turn to the wife and say, “You know what we need? Our own helicopter.”
Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh: Yes, it is the return of the Brut Sun Bowl brought to you by Faberge. Always have to respect any game sponsored by a cologne that you thought would get you laid when you were thirteen. Why Wrangler, Old Spice and Polo in the Green Bottle Splashed On In Amounts That Will Kill a Small Animal do not have similar sponsorships is a mystery for the ages. Pitt is coached by Dave Wannstadt, the sworn enemy of all Chicago Bears fans and the owner of the best porn mustache amongst the college coaching fraternity. The fact that I was present for Wanny outcoaching Weis this year explains just why I would like to see Charlie outsourced as soon as possible. This will leave me cheering for Oregon State whose fans did produce my second most favorite sign seen on ESPN this year. During the Oregon-Oregon State game (where a win would have given them the Pac-10 title) two female Oregon State fans held up a sign that read “These Beavers smell like roses”. 10 out 10 for originality on that one.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: My favorite sign on ESPN was when Vanderbilt hosted Auburn and a guy held up a sign that read “My butler went to Auburn.” Now that is SEC football for you. Vanderbilt is like Northwestern or Duke or Stanford except without the prestige and notoriety. Yes, it is a top school but it just doesn’t carry the same cache as other schools. Boston College will take the field with various Fluties, a number of female fans in pink jerseys and the air of smugness that is now apparently a god given right for every Boston sports fan. Fun Fact: this Nashville based game is being played at LP Field, which creates this whole retro, analog based feel to the entire event.
Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota: I assume that everyone in Kansas City is already sick of hearing the sportscasters giving their insights on the Insight Bowl. Personally, I would be proud of the fact that they are advanced enough to create the pun. This is an epic rivalry between two vaguely Midwestern states which are close enough to be aware of each other but not close enough for anything to really matter. It is more of a matter of determining once and for all which animal reigns supreme: the gopher or the jayhawk. Or which band is better: The Replacements or, uh, Kansas? The Jayhawks were from Minnesota so my musical analogies here are going to get very confusing very quickly.
This game is easy to pick for one reason and one reason only.
One does not mess with the awesome power that is Baby Mangino.
Chick-Fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Flying out of Philadelphia, especially on US Air, is one of the worst experiences known to man. All it is is a mass of delays, crowds, and twenty dollar a day parking lots. So when I had to fly out the Sunday of Thanksgiving for work my sole comfort was that I would get to have dinner at the Chick-Fil-A in the US Air terminal. Except that I found out that even at the airport on the busiest travel day of the year they follow the rule that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday because it is meant to be a day of rest. You would not believe how upset this made me. I had never wanted an overrated chicken sandwich more in my life. This is almost as bad as no longer calling this the Peach Bowl. If the game is in Georgia then it is the Peach Bowl. No questions asked.
This game is made for me. I get a scrappy Georgia Tech team running the triple option coached by the old Navy head coach. I have my fellow Cajuns taking the field and running around like madmen. Plus the game is at night on New Year’s Eve so people like me will have something to watch as we sit morosely in our apartments, alone and miserable, wondering about how our lives have become a pathetic farce of the idyllic world that we are force fed by mass media every moment of our existence. Oh, and we get commercials that feature parachuting cows! So we have existential crisis, gimmick offenses and cows. Best way to end a year that I know of.
Tomorrow: The January games in which we answer the question “What Big Ten team will I watch lose this year while nursing a hangover?”
Monday, December 08, 2008
2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part One)
Given the BCS announcements yesterday and the publishing of the bowl schedule it is time for the third annual Battling the Current Bowl Preview. This year I am going to take on the added challenge of analyzing every game in chronological order thus providing you with everything you will need to sound intelligent in discussions at Christmas parties, sports bars and unemployment lines. Due to the fact that there are way more bowl games than necessary I will break this into several parts. Tonight: The games through December 29th also known as the “who the hell cares” games.
December 20:
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy: Navy is going to be favored in this one as the game is being played in Washington D.C. at RFK thus providing the Midshipmen the natural advantage of being a) near Annapolis, b) near the Pentagon, and c) close to water. It is one of the unwritten rules of college sports that no one ever discusses the fact that Wake Forest has the most disturbing nickname in all of sports. Going up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equivalent to having to line up across from the Notre Dame Satanic Priests.
New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State: This is the only bowl game played in an artists’ commune with each player receiving their own Georgia O’Keefe print. It is also not a good sign when you can’t even afford a sponsor and thus name the game after the state it is held in. However, tune into the game if just for the halftime show featuring Weird Al Yankovic performing the full 11 minute and 22 second version of his song “Albuquerque”. Well, you got any jelly donuts? No! We don’t have any jelly donuts!
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida. For the life of me, I have no clue what the hell magicJack is supposed to be. It could either be a car protection system, an online poker site, or a personal lubricant and I for one have no interest in finding out which is correct. I’m going to assume that South Florida is the home team here even though I have no idea where in Florida either South Florida or St. Petersburg is. I might have to watch this game for the educational value alone.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona: For the third straight year BYU is playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas and per my contract as an internet blogger I am required by law to make the following jokes: A) I recommend Cheetah’s for those BYU fans looking for wives four through seven, B) I have been informed that the pool at the Hard Rock Café has been converted into a kiddie pool and C) It will be very easy for Arizona fans to find each other in the casinos as, well, they will be the ones in the casino. Sigh. Three straight years of having to make the same jokes.
(However, for those of you who remember the show Big Love I just want to say that Chloe Sevigny is probably the most strangely attractive actress I have ever seen. You wouldn’t immediately think so but there is something about you that catches your eye.)
December 21:
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy: Half a state versus just one man. The biggest, baddest man on the planet. Troy doesn’t even warm up. He just shows up at kickoff and goes “bring it”. However, I’m going with Southern Miss on this one (even though it is the home of several Favres) due to the old pro wrestling rule that no one name wrestler ever becomes world champ. If you are named Warlord or Barbarian or Mantaur odds are you won’t be headlining Wrestlemania. That’s why certain wrestlers have to be renamed to Psycho Sid or The Man They Call Vader or Sting but Not the One from the Band, This One Wears Facepaint.
December 23:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: I pity the announcing crew for this one as they will have to repeat that name over and over again. Also, how the hell did Boise State get screwed over so royally in the bowls this year? They went undefeated, handled every challenge that was thrown their way, and as a result are playing before Christmas. Sure, San Diego is an improvement over Boise but they really deserve to be playing in January. Hell, if there was a playoff I would want them in it. Also, I expect at least one call of “TCU takes it to the bank” during the game.
December 24:
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame: Let me get this straight. The highlights of Notre Dame’s season consisted of a) not losing to Navy twice in a row and b) sucking less than Michigan. They lost at least three games that any Notre Dame team should have won and one of those was to one of the worst teams in the nation. As a result the football team and Charlie Weis get to leave lovely South Bend in December and spend some time in Hawaii. It is nice to see that Notre Dame Football has appropriated the motto of most members of the Notre Dame Law School. “What do you call the student who finishes last in his class at Notre Dame Law?” “Lawyer (or possibly John)”
You also have to feel sorry for the kids at Hawaii who work all year and get stuck staying home in Hawaii for the holidays as opposed to going to such lovely locales as Detroit or Shreveport. It just doesn’t seem fair that they have to stay in the hell on earth that is Honolulu in December.
December 26:
Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan: There is a strong possibility that the footballs will be repossessed in the third quarter so getting out to a quick lead will be paramount in this one. Fans will also be asked to bring in donations in unmarked bills, preferably tens and twenties. Halftime entertainment will be a song and dance routine performed by several CEOs. As for the game it will be just like a classic Florida versus Michigan matchup just with flawed design, shoddy workmanship and an unnerving sense that the entire basis that the entire global economy is built upon is crumbling before our very eyes.
December 27:
Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina: As a kid it was my dream to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is one of those games where you wish that they would play one half as football and one half as basketball because it would make it a lot more interesting. Or, have the basketball coaches on the sidelines. I would love to see Bob Huggins prowling a football sideline or Roy Williams get creamed by a linebacker who missed a tackle and accidentally speared him instead. In fact, I say we petition to have this made a reality.
Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State: Kind of strange seeing this matchup on anything other than New Year’s Day. I’m so used to seeing them in January that it doesn’t make sense to have them play any other time. While I find it difficult to cheer for Wisconsin under any circumstances the first girl I fell in love with left me for a guy who was a Florida State fan so I hate that school on general principles. Don’t ask me how that logic works, it just does.
Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California: I’m not sure if this is sponsored by Emerald Nuts, the gem emerald or just the color green. California is representing the Pac-10 (Conference Motto: 9 fine academic institutions and Arizona State) while Miami is representing a work release program. Can’t say I have any problems with taking Miami in this one. Let’s say you take two people of equal talent and say “You can either go to Miami or you can go to Berkley.” Who would you want in a game that requires speed, power and the ability to mercilessly punish someone for no reason other than he is wearing a different shirt than you are?
December 28:
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech: I so miss the days of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. To this day I long to have a lawn just so I could own a Poulan Weed Eater. It was the coolest bowl sponsorship ever. Louisiana Tech gets to travel to Shreveport, which means I think they have to go down the block or something. And yes, Northern Illinois is in a bowl game while Illinois is not. I’d rather not think about it. Well, at least we still have the Chief. What, they took that away as well? Is our basketball team still good? Please?
Papajohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. New Jersey State (Ooops, I mean Rutgers): Upon entering the stadium all fans will be given two small peppers and a container of sauce without asking for them upon which they will stare at them, wonder what they are for and then sheepishly toss away when no one is looking. However, if the game takes more than three hours they will get tickets to next year’s game at half price. I still find it hilarious that the sponsor is the website and not Papa Johns itself. Like they assume that it will be better publicity if they put a dot com at the end of it. I’d talk about the two teams but, really, does anyone care now that Ray Rice has left Rutgers?
December 29:
Valero Alamo Bowl: Missouri vs. Northwestern: Oh for crying out loud. Northwestern makes a bowl game and Illinois does not. For what I am paying those guys, I mean donating to the program, I expect more. My biggest fear is that Missouri will wear those bright yellow jerseys against the purple of Northwestern and my television set will explode. I think I’ll cheer for Missouri in this one just because I saw Son Volt play in Columbia once and that is more than I can say for the city of Evanston.
December 20:
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy: Navy is going to be favored in this one as the game is being played in Washington D.C. at RFK thus providing the Midshipmen the natural advantage of being a) near Annapolis, b) near the Pentagon, and c) close to water. It is one of the unwritten rules of college sports that no one ever discusses the fact that Wake Forest has the most disturbing nickname in all of sports. Going up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equivalent to having to line up across from the Notre Dame Satanic Priests.
New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State: This is the only bowl game played in an artists’ commune with each player receiving their own Georgia O’Keefe print. It is also not a good sign when you can’t even afford a sponsor and thus name the game after the state it is held in. However, tune into the game if just for the halftime show featuring Weird Al Yankovic performing the full 11 minute and 22 second version of his song “Albuquerque”. Well, you got any jelly donuts? No! We don’t have any jelly donuts!
magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida. For the life of me, I have no clue what the hell magicJack is supposed to be. It could either be a car protection system, an online poker site, or a personal lubricant and I for one have no interest in finding out which is correct. I’m going to assume that South Florida is the home team here even though I have no idea where in Florida either South Florida or St. Petersburg is. I might have to watch this game for the educational value alone.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona: For the third straight year BYU is playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas and per my contract as an internet blogger I am required by law to make the following jokes: A) I recommend Cheetah’s for those BYU fans looking for wives four through seven, B) I have been informed that the pool at the Hard Rock Café has been converted into a kiddie pool and C) It will be very easy for Arizona fans to find each other in the casinos as, well, they will be the ones in the casino. Sigh. Three straight years of having to make the same jokes.
(However, for those of you who remember the show Big Love I just want to say that Chloe Sevigny is probably the most strangely attractive actress I have ever seen. You wouldn’t immediately think so but there is something about you that catches your eye.)
December 21:
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy: Half a state versus just one man. The biggest, baddest man on the planet. Troy doesn’t even warm up. He just shows up at kickoff and goes “bring it”. However, I’m going with Southern Miss on this one (even though it is the home of several Favres) due to the old pro wrestling rule that no one name wrestler ever becomes world champ. If you are named Warlord or Barbarian or Mantaur odds are you won’t be headlining Wrestlemania. That’s why certain wrestlers have to be renamed to Psycho Sid or The Man They Call Vader or Sting but Not the One from the Band, This One Wears Facepaint.
December 23:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: I pity the announcing crew for this one as they will have to repeat that name over and over again. Also, how the hell did Boise State get screwed over so royally in the bowls this year? They went undefeated, handled every challenge that was thrown their way, and as a result are playing before Christmas. Sure, San Diego is an improvement over Boise but they really deserve to be playing in January. Hell, if there was a playoff I would want them in it. Also, I expect at least one call of “TCU takes it to the bank” during the game.
December 24:
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame: Let me get this straight. The highlights of Notre Dame’s season consisted of a) not losing to Navy twice in a row and b) sucking less than Michigan. They lost at least three games that any Notre Dame team should have won and one of those was to one of the worst teams in the nation. As a result the football team and Charlie Weis get to leave lovely South Bend in December and spend some time in Hawaii. It is nice to see that Notre Dame Football has appropriated the motto of most members of the Notre Dame Law School. “What do you call the student who finishes last in his class at Notre Dame Law?” “Lawyer (or possibly John)”
You also have to feel sorry for the kids at Hawaii who work all year and get stuck staying home in Hawaii for the holidays as opposed to going to such lovely locales as Detroit or Shreveport. It just doesn’t seem fair that they have to stay in the hell on earth that is Honolulu in December.
December 26:
Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan: There is a strong possibility that the footballs will be repossessed in the third quarter so getting out to a quick lead will be paramount in this one. Fans will also be asked to bring in donations in unmarked bills, preferably tens and twenties. Halftime entertainment will be a song and dance routine performed by several CEOs. As for the game it will be just like a classic Florida versus Michigan matchup just with flawed design, shoddy workmanship and an unnerving sense that the entire basis that the entire global economy is built upon is crumbling before our very eyes.
December 27:
Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina: As a kid it was my dream to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is one of those games where you wish that they would play one half as football and one half as basketball because it would make it a lot more interesting. Or, have the basketball coaches on the sidelines. I would love to see Bob Huggins prowling a football sideline or Roy Williams get creamed by a linebacker who missed a tackle and accidentally speared him instead. In fact, I say we petition to have this made a reality.
Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State: Kind of strange seeing this matchup on anything other than New Year’s Day. I’m so used to seeing them in January that it doesn’t make sense to have them play any other time. While I find it difficult to cheer for Wisconsin under any circumstances the first girl I fell in love with left me for a guy who was a Florida State fan so I hate that school on general principles. Don’t ask me how that logic works, it just does.
Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California: I’m not sure if this is sponsored by Emerald Nuts, the gem emerald or just the color green. California is representing the Pac-10 (Conference Motto: 9 fine academic institutions and Arizona State) while Miami is representing a work release program. Can’t say I have any problems with taking Miami in this one. Let’s say you take two people of equal talent and say “You can either go to Miami or you can go to Berkley.” Who would you want in a game that requires speed, power and the ability to mercilessly punish someone for no reason other than he is wearing a different shirt than you are?
December 28:
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech: I so miss the days of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. To this day I long to have a lawn just so I could own a Poulan Weed Eater. It was the coolest bowl sponsorship ever. Louisiana Tech gets to travel to Shreveport, which means I think they have to go down the block or something. And yes, Northern Illinois is in a bowl game while Illinois is not. I’d rather not think about it. Well, at least we still have the Chief. What, they took that away as well? Is our basketball team still good? Please?
Papajohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. New Jersey State (Ooops, I mean Rutgers): Upon entering the stadium all fans will be given two small peppers and a container of sauce without asking for them upon which they will stare at them, wonder what they are for and then sheepishly toss away when no one is looking. However, if the game takes more than three hours they will get tickets to next year’s game at half price. I still find it hilarious that the sponsor is the website and not Papa Johns itself. Like they assume that it will be better publicity if they put a dot com at the end of it. I’d talk about the two teams but, really, does anyone care now that Ray Rice has left Rutgers?
December 29:
Valero Alamo Bowl: Missouri vs. Northwestern: Oh for crying out loud. Northwestern makes a bowl game and Illinois does not. For what I am paying those guys, I mean donating to the program, I expect more. My biggest fear is that Missouri will wear those bright yellow jerseys against the purple of Northwestern and my television set will explode. I think I’ll cheer for Missouri in this one just because I saw Son Volt play in Columbia once and that is more than I can say for the city of Evanston.
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