Mallory, on the other hand, is a hedge fund wiz

Like most people in finance I sit in an office where CNBC is always visible and always on mute. It is an apparent law of workplace design that we must always have the ability to track the activity of the market even though a) we can do so quite easily using our computers and b) this means that whenever you glance up you are confronted with either a stack of numbers, Jim Cramer’s giant head or, if you’re lucky, a glimpse of that one cute anchor. However, what I find more interesting are the commercials.

The first is the ever present invest in gold commercials, which for some bizarre reason often seem to feature Meredith Baxter Birney as the spokesperson. I am not quite sure why I should be taking my investment advice from Alex Keaton’s mom as opposed to Alex Keaton or, I don’t know, Skippy but apparently she tests well with gold investors. And gold investors are an odd bunch as most of these advertisements are not to purchase gold tracking funds or mining companies but rather to actually purchase physical gold.

Now I try not to give financial advice in this blog mainly because I am surprisingly bad at it. But while gold is a wonderful currency hedge and can be a part of a well managed portfolio owning physical gold bars is actually pretty silly. The main idea of having the physical bars is that when the world goes to hell you will have your gold. Which is wonderful except for the fact that when the world goes to hell your gold becomes pretty much worthless. It is one thing if the dollar becomes worthless and then you try to convert your bars to Euros or Thai Baht or whatever currency the Klingons used. There might be value there but you could just have bought that currency in the first place and saved yourself the transaction. The main argument they make is that in case of disaster gold will maintain its value. But think of it this way. If you were in New Orleans two days after Katrina what was worth more to you: a bar of gold or a bottle of water? If the worst case scenario really does occur then gold becomes nothing more than a piece of metal.

The other commercial is even odder as it features an actress portraying a college girl dressed in the manner that I assume college girls sleep in. It is an ad for an online university and one of her pitches is that you can go to class looking like you just got out of bed. I don’t know about you but most college students go to class looking like they just got out of bed.

Anyway, my issue with this commercial is who is their target audience? If you are watching CNBC at ten in the morning you probably already have a degree and are working. Like I said before, other than people in offices no one watches CNBC. Even MBA students don’t watch CNBC during the day; we’d much rather be watching The Price is Right or Jersey Shore reruns. I can’t see a huge percentage of people who are studying the every twist and turn of the market and then going, “You know what, I should try to get a college degree from an online program that isn’t even the University of Phoenix.” Just bizarre.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Tiger and the Tool Academy

People ask me all the time for relationship advice. I have one and only one rule. If you are going to cheat on your significant other do not do so with someone who has appeared on VH-1’s Tool Academy. If you have decided to hook up with someone who couldn’t even make the Rock of Love Bus then you have significant issues.

(Actually my only rule is don’t cheat. Ever.)

So in a story that I predicted days ago we finally get confirmation that Tiger Woods cheated on his Swedish model wife with various castoffs from reality shows. There are so many angles to this story that I am not sure I even know where to begin. I’m just going to hit on certain points as I see fit.

First off, did Tiger’s statement read a little stand offish to you? It was nice to see that he came forward regarding the allegations even though he never stated what those allegations were. Even more so, while he publically apologized to his family and his fans he stated that he felt that this was a private matter that did not require a public apology, which is a rather strange sentiment to take in a public apology. I have no doubt that his apology is sincere in the sense that he is admitting his wrongdoing. He just feels that it does not need to be in the court of public opinion.

This brings up the point about privacy and whether or not this should be a news story to which my response is: of course it is a news story. I know that people are viewing Tiger as a golfer and a celebrity and that marital infidelities do not warrant full media coverage. Except that Tiger is not a celebrity, he is a billion dollar brand. That is not hyperbole, Tiger is expected to be the first athlete to earn a billion dollars and it is not going to be from golf tournaments. It is from endorsements and sponsorships that all stem from the Tiger Woods image of excellence and perfection and a clean cut, family man image. This isn’t Fred Funk we are talking about, who no one would recognize on the street. This is one of the ten most famous people in the world. His entire life is fair game. That is what the money for endorsements is for. You are trading your privacy for cash.

(And for at least a little perspective, Phil Mickelson’s wife being diagnosed with breast cancer was also a news story. Not as much coverage of course but it shows a precedent for a private matter becoming public record.)

Tiger’s image is going to take a significant hit. It won’t ruin his advertising career (if Kobe Bryant can have a best selling jersey then I think Tiger can recover) but it will definitely make him much more human and maybe not in a good way. The stories just seem to remove the nice guy image. Having an affair when your wife is seven months pregnant just makes you a complete jerk and that is the nicest language one can use. I’m sure many people would have much more colorful sentiments to add. His voice mail cover up message to the Tool Academy alumni doesn’t help his cause either. It all just makes him look like a douche and a prick.

Why did he do it? I bet he just wanted to see if he can. I don’t think he cared about consequences at all. At some point when you have so much money, so much fame you begin to think that you live under a different set of rules. Sometimes you do things just because you can without thinking about the result. It happens all the time and when it does, well, someone ends up with half your stuff.

(Also, in the biggest story that got overlooked today Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. I have been awaiting Skippy’s response on the matter, or at a minimum a Tina Yothers sighting, but so far the blogosphere has been rather quiet. I don’t know if Meredith is happy or pissed as hell about the Tiger story. For years you are holding this secret and when you finally let it be known to the world who you truly are in two hours the story is forgotten because of a golfer. Just doesn’t seem fair, does it?

Oh, and we’re invading Afghanistan or something. It’s probably not important.)

Best Videos of the Decade: One of the nice things about living in the YouTube age is that killer videos no longer need to be million dollar spectacles. We have finally gotten past the age of the mini-movie especially now that Mr. Jackson is no longer with us. Now all you need to be popular is a video camera and a cute idea. Enter Ok Go, a band that is only known because they are quirky. Here is where simplicity and popularity meet.