2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Five

We’ve reached the end. Thank God.

Tuesday, Jan. 1
Outback Bowl
Mississippi State vs. Iowa
Noon ET, ESPN2
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida

I have very few positive things to say about Iowa, especially since it is the school responsible for my having to suffer through four years of sub-par Illini basketball, but the “wave to the kids in the children’s hospital” tradition is one of the best in football. This might be one of the few games that feels as though it is traditional. It has been called the Outback Bowl forever and it takes place on New Year’s Day in a Big Ten – SEC matchup. Add in the traditional “salute to Jazzercise” halftime show and it is what you want in a hangover remedy game.

VRBO Citrus Bowl
Kentucky vs. Penn State
1 p.m. ET, ABC
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

Ok, there is no reason why a New Year’s Day bowl game should have a sponsor that is completely random. And I mean random in the “it is just four random letters” sense of the word. Does anyone know what VRBO is? A bank? An anti-perspirant? Some new tech company spouting breakthroughs in mass transportation but producing what is in reality a poorly designed tunnel? No one knows.

I watched a lot of Penn State this year and the team probably deserves a better bowl than this. Or at least a better opponent. I know that Kentucky over-achieved in the SEC this year but it just seems wrong to be talking about their strength as a football program. Could we have Tennessee return to prominence?

(Also, for Christmas I got Kim a Lego Penn State Stadium. And a candle that smells like South Bend. I know what my wife’s heart desires.)

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl
No. 11 LSU vs. No. 8 UCF
1 p.m. ET, ESPN
State Farm Stadium, Glendale, Arizona
Glendale, Arizona

Didn’t this use to be the University of Phoenix Stadium? As much as I dislike change I can at least support not having a stadium being named for a school that by definition cannot compete at the stadium. After the playoff games this weekend I know people were complaining about who made the games. I’m biased of course but I can’t see how it should have changed. Georgia lost twice and had their chance at Alabama. Ohio State was blown out by Purdue, should have lost to Maryland and is Ohio State and that alone should disqualify them. The team that I thought had the best argument was Central Florida but I couldn’t support them after their best player and quarterback was lost for the season when, uh, he had his leg amputated. Ok, not quite amputated but, yeah, way too severe of an injury to receive without being paid in the process. Oh well, geaux Tigers.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual
No. 9 Washington vs. No. 6 Ohio State
5 p.m. ET, ESPN
Rose Bowl
Pasadena, California

The granddaddy of them all! The reason why millions of roses are cruelly murdered every year! The last time this year you can feel the irrational hate fill your body just by seeing Ohio State on your television! I’m trying to think of a team that is more hated but I really can’t. Sure some people would say Notre Dame but at least you know that Notre Dame will lose at times and their players and coaches are slightly less likely to be criminals. Well, coaching staff is probably a wash but definitely the players. I’ll be cheering for Washington for obvious reasons.

Allstate Sugar Bowl
No. 15 Texas vs. No. 5 Georgia
8:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans

Does anyone else feel weird knowing that they will be going back to work on Wednesday? For those of us who turn this time into a week or so of vacation time the fact that we will be immediately going back to the grind is bizarre. I don’t think anyone actually wants to work the rest of the week but it is a new year and we all have resolutions to keep and bills to pay. Anyway, here is the game to watch as you dread setting the alarm clock for the morning.

Monday, Jan. 7
College Football Playoff National Championship Presented By AT&T
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 2 Clemson
8 p.m. ET on ESPN
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, California

It’s a rerun. They’ll probably show last year’s game simultaneously on ESPN Classic. Your halftime entertainment is Imagine Dragons. We end bowl season with a game that is not a bowl game. Pass.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Four

Continuing the series featuring games that matter, games that don't matter and something called the Belk Bowl.

Saturday, Dec. 29
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
No. 10 Florida vs. No. 7 Michigan
Noon ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Stadium
Atlanta

Call me a purist but I liked it when all the big bowl games were on January 1st and the Peach Bowl wasn’t considered a major bowl. It was great when it was an over-achieving ACC team versus an underachieving SEC team played in late December. Add in the always fun sponsorship of Chick-fil-A (the only company in the world that could make buying a chicken sandwich a moral quandary) and you have the making for a good waste of a couple hours. This should be a good matchup even if it is between two teams that no one likes unless you are actually from the state and even then it is a fifty-fifty proposition.

Belk Bowl
South Carolina vs. Virginia
Noon ET, ABC
Bank of America Stadium
Charlotte, North Carolina

I will also state for the record that Belk is another great all purpose swear word. We really need new swear words. The old ones are too over-used and it would be nice to be able to swear around children without feeling horrible about it. Anyway, this bowl game is a load of Belk. I’m not sure if anyone can tell me a single thing about either team’s season and the fact that even ABC is putting this game up against the Chick-fil-A Bowl on its sister station tells you that even they don’t care.

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl 
Arkansas State vs. Nevada
1:15 p.m. ET, CBSSN
Arizona Stadium
Tucson, Arizona

Finally, a game not a part of the Disney family even though it will take you a good ten minutes to find the CBS Sports Network on your cable system. Even though we are years removed from the last financial crisis I still find it strange when home loan companies are the sponsor, especially when it involves places like Arizona and Nevada. Also, I don’t know if I’m more surprised that Arkansas State is a D-1 school or a school at all. Sometimes bowl season teaches you something.


College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
No. 2 Clemson vs. No. 3 Notre Dame
4 ET, ESPN
AT&T Stadium
Arlington, Texas

Lots of thoughts about this so time to break out the numbered list!
1) Expect to hear the “Joe Montana having a bowl of chicken soup before the fourth quarter” story a dozen times during the game.
2) I’m not sure if the Cotton Bowl Classic is like Coca-Cola Classic and there was a New Cotton Bowl that we all agreed to forget about but the fact that the Cotton Bowl Classic is not played in the Cotton Bowl is the biggest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I rented “The Neverending Story.”
3) Early in the season I said if Notre Dame went undefeated they’d make the playoffs, with one loss they’d be in a lesser BCS bowl and with two losses they’d be in a pile of Belk. I’d like to say that I was correct in every aspect.
4) That said, Notre Dame might have had the most underwhelming undefeated season that I have ever seen. At the beginning of the season the schedule looked brutal but by the end you are wondering who did they beat and why weren’t they ever dominant. They beat Michigan and Vanderbilt and it was tough to tell the difference between the two. I’m a proud alum and all but this isn’t the best team I ever saw.
5) Clemson has players suspended, which will help Notre Dame’s chances. Also, I’ve always been a fan of Clemson’s uniforms so that will make the game even better.
6) In the end, I think Notre Dame’s defense keeps it close and the Irish break out a couple of long runs but they’ll need a couple of breaks to make it work out. Hoping for the best.

College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Capital One Orange Bowl
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 4 Oklahoma
8 p.m. ET, ESPN
Hard Rock Stadium
Miami Gardens, Florida

Does anyone go to a Hard Rock Café anymore? I assume that they are still a thing but it seems like a concept from a previous century. Also, does hard rock even exist as a thing? Without MTV it is impossible to know. This is the second half of the playoffs featuring a team you hate going up against a team you are rather indifferent about. Unless you are an Ohio State fan but we don’t care what you think anyway. I want Alabama to lose mainly because I am sick of Alabama winning all the time, which isn’t the optimal reason for a rooting interest but I’ll take what I can get.

Monday, Dec. 31
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Noon ET, ESPN
Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium
Annapolis, Maryland

There is something about the combination of the military industrial complex with the college athletics industrial complex that is either unsettling or inspired depending on your point of view. Also, I believe that this bowl is taking place in a stadium that is smaller than Virginia Tech’s home stadium by a large margin and that just feels wrong. It’s not as though the weather is going to be any different between Annapolis and Blacksburg. They could just make this a Virginia Tech home game, draw a larger crowd and everyone can go home happy. Especially are friends at Northrop Grumman whose mid-game commercial is just a guy in suit telling the camera “I’d tell you all the good that we do at Northrop Grumman but it’s classified. And also possibly not good in the true sense of the word.”

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford vs. Pittsburgh
2 p.m. ET, CBS
Sun Bowl Stadium
El Paso, Texas

This along with the Liberty Bowl might be the only two bowl games left that seem to be the same as I remember from when I was a kid. Sponsorships are minor, the games don’t really matter that much and they take place in cities that have no other major sports. It’s not the same as the days of the Blue Bonnet Bowl but I will take it. Stanford and Pitt are two schools that could make this a very interesting game or very dull depending on how much the players actually care. Sounds great on paper, might be less so in practice.

Redbox Bowl
Michigan State vs. Oregon
3 p.m. ET, Fox
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, Calif.

Ah, Redbox. Combining the old school video store experience of wondering if your movie is available with the thrill of being in a 7-11 parking lot at three in the morning. I literally feel safer standing outside an ATM then I do a Redbox machine. Also, just wondering but why are all these games on New Year’s Eve? New Year’s Eve is a Monday, it’s not a holiday and New Year’s Day is completely open for football yet only a handful of games are scheduled. Can’t we just once have things the way they used to be?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Missouri vs. Oklahoma State
3:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium
Memphis, Tennessee

So, a few years ago this would be a regular season Big 12 game. I don’t think that there is much else to say. It’s about as important as a regular season Big 12 game between two mid-pack teams.

San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Northwestern vs. Utah
7 p.m. ET, FS1
SDCCU Stadium
San Diego, Calif.

I say this all the time but I have no idea how the sponsorship for this bowl game works. The audience they are trying to reach are the citizens of San Diego County. Fair enough but a) Northwestern isn’t in San Diego county, b) Utah is not in San Diego County and c) the residents of San Diego County aren’t going to be spending New Year’s Eve at home watching a Northwestern – Utah game on FS1.

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl
NC State vs. Texas A&M
7:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
TIAA Bank Field
Jacksonville, Florida

In much the same manner as the Cure Bowl I believe that this game will be better served if it was just called the Slayer Bowl and featured Slayer playing a full concert during the game. It might also draw a larger crowd. This will be the last game of the year and will be what you watch at the bar before they turn on the live shot of people freezing in Times Square. Well, that is what you will watch if you go to a bar on New Year’s Eve. I prefer any other option, including going to Jacksonville.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Three

Some people open presents on Christmas morning. I preview bowl games. Look, Santa needs something to read…

Wednesday, Dec. 26
SERVPRO First Responder Bowl 
Boston College vs. Boise State
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Cotton Bowl
Dallas

For those of you keeping track this is the game that takes place in the Cotton Bowl but isn’t the Cotton Bowl and isn’t played on New Year’s Day. This is in comparison to the Cotton Bowl which isn’t played in the Cotton Bowl and also isn’t played on New Year’s Day. I asked Santa for consistency for Christmas but apparently that doesn’t fit in a stocking. I hope that we see a lot of hustle in the First Responder Bowl though I assume that none of the sponsors will be there as they will, you know, be responding to things. Also, is it still cool to like Boise State? They used to be the fun, small team to cheer for.

Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ford Field
Detroit

Illinois beat Minnesota this year. Yes, my Illini actually scored a victory over a bowl team this year. Ok, the underdog in the Quick Lane Bowl but still, at least it meant that we beat one team with a .500 record. Anyway, I will always contend that this game should be completed in thirty minutes or less otherwise it is free. I think that would be best for everyone involved as I don’t think that there will be a single person in the stadium who wants to be there. We could just have the two teams line up, have the bands play for thirty seconds, and have whoever wins the coin toss win the game and everyone could go home happy.

Cheez-It Bowl
California vs. TCU
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Chase Field
Phoenix

Somehow, I love the fact that there is some poor soul at Cal who has to hype to prospective students who are all basking in the Berkley mystique that “we also made it to the Cheez-It Bowl this year!” I also have never bought into the Berkley mystique mainly because I’m a Midwest kid who could never understand why anyone would want to live in California in the first place. Nice weather year round? What the hell are you thinking? Also, how is Wisconsin not in the Cheez-It Bowl? Complete missed marketing opportunity for a cheese inspired product that may, on occasion, contain actual cheese. Cheer for TCU because their nickname is the Horned Frogs and we need to encourage creative mascots whenever possible.

Thursday, Dec. 27
Walk-On's Independence Bowl
Temple vs. Duke
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Independence Stadium
Shreveport, Louisiana

This might be the first time when a game between Temple and Duke with the phrase Walk-On’s often spoken be about football instead of basketball. For those who have known me for a long time you should be aware that my Duke basketball fandom has ended after a good twenty plus year run. Partly because I don’t watch much college basketball anymore, partly because Duke has turned into every other corrupt program in the country and partly because they won’t give Christian Laettner another year of eligibility. Also, while I have no idea what Walk-On’s it is is a surprisingly tame sponsor for the Independence bowl. This is the game you watch only because ESPN2 has decided to broadcast a Magic the Gathering tournament and you are too bored to hit guide on your remote.


New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Miami vs. Wisconsin
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Yankee Stadium
New York

The nice thing about college football is that every year a few schools underperform and you end up with a low tier bowl game with a matchup that sounds really good. If it is September and I asked if you wanted to see Miami – Wisconsin in a bowl game you would be psyched. If I said you would be sitting in Yankee Stadium on a December night as well it would probably dampen your enthusiasm a degree or two. I have yet to see any reason why they have these outdoor cold weather bowl games (outside of the Idaho Bowl of course). At least the teams get to say they played in Yankee Stadium, which would mean something if it was the old Yankee Stadium but now it is just a stadium with the same name as a famous stadium.

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
Baylor vs. Vanderbilt
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
NRG Stadium
Houston

It is incredible to think that one day there were a number of people with decades of experience crowded around a conference table and saying, “So we agree, we’ll call the company Academy Sports and Outdoors.” Despite the fact that sports can be played indoors and outdoors and that the outdoors can be enjoyed via sports or other methods this still seems like the most awkward pairing of words imaginable. Thankfully the Texas Bowl is being played in Texas featuring a team from Texas so maybe Santa was just a little late in delivering consistency due to the government shutdown. Given that Baylor and Vanderbilt are both known for their medical schools at some point you have to wonder when the universities will decide that a) it is unethical to have a football team or b) having a football team provides a consistent stream of patients.

Friday, Dec. 28
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue vs. Auburn
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Nissan Stadium
Nashville, Tennessee

Back in the pre-sponsorship days this would be an awesome bowl name. “Welcome to the Music City Bowl here in wonderful Nashville, Tennessee!” Now it just reminds you that you have to pay the mortgage next week while wondering if we are in another housing bubble. I will say that Purdue’s destruction of Ohio State was the most fun I’ve had watching a football game in a long time. It’s great when the entire country can get behind an inspirational story of a student fighting cancer and see Ohio State get embarrassed at the same time. They should just replay that game instead.

Camping World Bowl
West Virginia vs. Syracuse
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

For the record, do we really need two Virginias? I know we joke about the Dakotas but West Virginia was part of Virginia until the civil war and could probably be recombined with no loss other than the ability to make jokes about West Virginia. For those who enjoy the wonders of conference realignment this is a great game between two former Big East rivals who now play in the Big 12 and ACC respectively. No wonder kids today have no sense of geography. We can’t even build a football conference correctly.

Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State vs. Washington State
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Alamodome
San Antonio, Texas

San Antonio is a very underrated city. No one lists it highly on their go-to vacation spots but everyone who has ever been there raves about it. Just keep that in mind for your future vacation plans. I also think that the word Valero should never be spoken but rather sung as though it is a car name in a 1960s commercial for a car made entirely out of steel with huge tail fins and the state of the art fuel mileage of five gallons to the mile. I also think that we should have Iowa State play Washington State simultaneously with an Iowa – Washington game. 22 players a side, state supremacy on the line.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Update: I am very interested / concerned by the fact that Tia Mowery from Sister, Sister starred in one of the movies. Not by the fact that she starred, she is a perfectly fine actress who fits all of the criteria of the female lead for a Hallmark Christmas movie, but by the fact that her sister Tamara was nowhere to be seen. It is very disconcerting to watch a star of Sister, Sister without, well, the other sister. I fear that this can only mean one of two things: A) Hallmark can only afford one sister or B) Tamara apparently suffered the same fate as Skeeter from Muppet Babies.

(We don’t talk about Skeeter. Ever.)

Anyway, here are the rest of the bowl games up to Christmas Day. You can either watch these games or go to the mall and, well, be stunned by the fact that there is still such a thing as a mall. Feel free to walk up to one of the people working at those mini-kiosks and ask them about their business plan.

Friday, Dec. 21

Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
FIU vs. Toledo
12:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Thomas A. Robinson National Stadium
Nassau, Bahamas

Toledo wins the bowl lottery this year as the team gets to leave Toledo to go to the Bahamas for a Friday afternoon game. That has to turn into at least a beach weekend for the players who decide not to declare political asylum to avoid being forced to return to Toledo. I’m not sure if Makers Wanted is a reference to Makers Mark or if the Bahamas is simply in great need of people who actually make things. Or there could be some criminal mastermind named Makers and this is the equivalent of Bahamas Most Wanted. If someone could watch the game and let me know I would really appreciate it.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Western Michigan vs. BYU
4 p.m. ET, ESPN
Lyle Smith Field at Albertsons Stadium
Boise, Idaho

And Western Michigan loses the bowl lottery by having to play at the only location worse than Western Michigan. I still contend that the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl sounds like the 8th choice for value meals at KFC which consists of mashed potatoes, a bowl made out of day old French fries, and whatever vaguely food-like items are within reach at the moment the order is placed. Also, “Lyle Smith” may possibly the most Boise, Idaho name possible. All that said, this has always been a favorite bowl game of mine with the blue turf, mountains in the background, and absolutely no reason for existing.

Saturday, Dec. 22

Jared Birmingham Bowl
Memphis vs. Wake Forest
Noon ET, ESPN
Legion Field
Birmingham, Alabama

We went to Jared for our bowl game! I have a feeling that the Memphis and Wake Forest players had the same expression on their faces as any woman whose boyfriend gets down on one knee and pulls out a box from Jared. Sure, the gesture is nice and all but by accepting you are just admitting that you are going to settle for the first available option.

(Completely different subject: for some reason I was thinking about what I would have put on an internet dating profile if I had done one back in the day. My first two thoughts were “Look, you could do worse” and “If we went out it will at least get your mom to stop asking questions about when you’ll meet someone for a few months.” How I’ve been married for seven and a half years is a complete mystery.)

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Houston vs. Army
3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Amon G. Carter Stadium
Fort Worth, Texas

I’m not sure if it is fitting or simply unfair that Army gets to play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Lockheed Martin is the sponsor of the bowl game as well as one of the teams. Still, it is great to see that Army has come back after some really down football years. I always like watching the military academy teams given that these are some of the few student-athletes playing for the reasons that people always give for what is noble about college athletics.

Dollar General Bowl
Buffalo vs. Troy
7 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ladd-Peebles Stadium
Mobile, Alabama

Somehow if you asked me to pick the two most fitting teams in college football to play in a game sponsored by Dollar General I am fairly confident that Buffalo and Troy would be chosen. This is the second ESPN game of the day from Alabama and I wonder if they will use the same announcers for both. They could at least spotlight a few fans who decide to hit both games as I sure would try to pull off that double. Oh, and Buffalo is in a bowl and not Illinois. I’m just saying that while Lovie Smith’s beard is impressive but I would like to see a little more progress.

SoFi Hawai'i Bowl
Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii
10:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Aloha Stadium
Honolulu

Hawaii is playing in the Hawaii Bowl in Hawaii. While this seems completely redundant it is actually sensible because historically this is the bowl that schools hate because they always lose money for accepting a berth to. Between the travel costs for sending the team / cheerleaders / band and the fact that they never sell their allotment of tickets because their fans aren’t going to drop their Christmas plans to head to Hawaii there is little reason to want to play in the game. Thankfully athletic directors are always up for a free Hawaii vacation and Hawaii has no desire to play in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. There are worse things you could do on Saturday Night than watch this game but most of those involve starting a run on Bailey Brothers Savings and Loan, which is something I suspect SoFi is planning at this very moment.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part One

It’s that time of year again! The leaves have fallen, snow may or may not be on the ground and Amazon employees are dropping from exhaustion. Yes, it is college bowl season! As is tradition I will preview every single bowl game so you know just how to best avoid any and all family members as well as human contact of any kind. Because if there is one thing we all appreciate during the holiday season it is watching unpaid twenty year olds suffer catastrophic knee injuries.

I will start with the pre-Christmas bowl games through December 20th. You do not have to watch these games unless the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie stars Candace Cameron-Bure. If the movie stars either Alicia Witt or Ashley Williams then please promptly turn to the Hallmark Channel. If you see the smile and short stature of Lacey Chabert on the channel where everyone is always having hot cocoa and preparing for the Winter Carnival then flip a coin.

Saturday, December 15

Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
North Carolina A&T vs. Alcorn State
Noon ET, ABC
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia

Instead of commentators I really think this game would be best served by having Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” being played on a continuous loop. To be fair, pretty much every moment of existence would be improved by having Celebration playing in the background. It would be more convenient if Air Force was playing in the Air Force Reserve bowl but if there is one thing I’ve learned from bowl game sponsorships it’s that Poulan makes a damn fine Weed Eater. Anyway, these two schools get to be on TV without having to play an SEC team in the process so it’s a win on all fronts.

New Mexico Bowl Presented by Progressive
Utah State vs. North Texas
2 PM ET, ESPN
Branch Field at Dreamstyle Stadium, Albuquerque, New Mexico

Somehow the words “Utah State”, “North Texas” and “Progressive” really don’t seem to belong in the same sentence. I also don’t know what Dreamstyle Stadium looks like and I am scared to even use Google to find out. I don’t even want to know what Dreamstyle is or how they raised enough money to pay for a stadium sponsorship. This is one of the games that features two teams that you went an entire season without seeing a single game or highlight from but you do get scenic pictures of New Mexico and Flo will be performing the ceremonial coin toss so you have that going for you.

AutoNation Cure Bowl
Tulane vs. Louisiana
2:30 PM ET, CBSSN
Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida

Saturday is great for the Cure Bowl don’t you think? Sigh. Every year I make a Cure reference and every year I realize that more and more people have no clue what I am talking about, including undoubtedly every single player in this game. Don’t grow old kids, or at least force your definition of pop culture to remain relevant for as long as you can. I’m cheering for Tulane because a) they’re in New Orleans and b) I’m not sure which of the former Louisiana schools this one is. I think it is Louisiana-Lafayette but I could be wrong. Either way, lots of gumbo at the tailgates for this one.

Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Fresno State vs. Arizona State
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas, Nevada

To the thrill of everyone in Las Vegas, this bowl game doesn’t feature BYU. You might think I’m kidding but BYU played in this game for five straight years. I mean, they filled the stadium with the “Bring one Sister Wife, bring the others for free” promotion but there has never been a worst pairing of city and school for a bowl game. This will be a game of some sort, featuring schools you actually know of with student bodies that, well, settled on their safety school. Sometimes you have games where both teams have the same mascot; this time you have two schools who share the motto “We’re accredited, honest”.

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Georgia Southern vs. Eastern Michigan
5:30 PM ET, ESPN
Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Alabama

This game is totally the non-union equivalent of the Outback Bowl. You can just hear the announcers breathlessly discussing this matchup between Georgia *cough* Southern and *whisper* Eastern Michigan. I also want to say that for you parents out there Cramton would make a wonderful all purpose swear word that you could say in front of a child. I figure that since Georgia would be Michigan that Southern Georgia would beat Eastern Michigan but that is pretty much all I’ve got here.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Middle Tennessee vs. Appalachian State
9 PM ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Finally a game featuring a team I saw this year as Appalachian State nearly upset Penn State to start the season. That should give you a good indication on who to pick in this game. Now why precisely you’d want to spend your Saturday night in New Orleans watching this game is another story. Sure, it is always fun to watch a game but there are other options.

Tuesday, December 18

Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl
UAB vs. Northern Illinois
7 PM ET, ESPN
Howard Schnellenberger Field at FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, Flordia

As a resident of South Florida I can say that everything south of Tampa / Orlando can be placed into one of four categories: 1) the style and glamour of South Beach, 2) the wackiness of Key West, 3) Swamps, lots and lots of swamps and 4) gated communities in which hearses are kept on speed dial. I’m surprised this is a night game because most people down here don’t like to drive when it’s dark out and it’s after the early bird dinner specials. Anyway, this game also lets me rant that both UAB, which disbanded its football program a few years ago, and Northern Illinois both made a bowl game while Illinois did not. Life just isn’t fair.

(Also, I assume that you can make your own Cheribundi joke. I’ll go with she was my favorite character on Married with Children.)

Wednesday, December 19

DXL Frisco Bowl
San Diego State vs. Ohio
8 PM, ESPN
Toyota Stadium, Frisco, Texas

ESPN is telling me that this game exists. However, I do not have confirmation that there is such a place as “Frisco, Texas” or how they became home to a bowl game. It is possible that this game is taking place in one of those fake cities that they put on maps for copyright protection purposes. I’m just saying that if the two teams mysteriously disappear like they entered Night Vale don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thursday, December 20

Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall vs. South Florida
8 PM ET, ESPN
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

Given that the motto of Tampa is “As seen on Cops” I will allow the Bad Boy Mowers sponsorship. This is a tough game to call since a) South Florida is playing at home and b) South Florida nearly lost to Illinois. I think the latter will outrank the former. Also, on an unrelated note, do bearded hipsters go into bars and order drinks of Sasparilla? That seems totally like something a bearded hipster would do. Also, are we done with the whole bearded hipster movement yet? That is a trend that has lasted far too long.

Next time: the rest of the pre-Christmas festivities!

All a poet can do is warn

Preface

This book is not about heroes. English poetry is not yet fit to speak of them.

Nor is it about deeds, or lands, nor anything about glory, honour, might, majesty, dominion, or power, except War

Above all I am not concerned with Poetry,

My subject is War and the pity of War,

The Poetry is in the pity.

Yet these elegies are to this generation in no sense consolatory, They may be to the next. All a poet can do today is warn. That is why the true Poets must be truthful.

(If I thought the letter of this book would last, I might have used proper names; but if the spirit of it survives - survives Prussia - my ambition and those names will have achieved themselves fresher fields than Flanders...)

Wilfred Owen
1st Lieutenant, Manchester Regiment, 2nd Manchester Rifles
March 18, 1893 - November 4, 1918
Honored amongst the war poets in Poets Corner at Westminster Abbey

Tranquility base, here I come

Today marks my ninetieth straight day of meditating. This means that either I have reached total enlightenment and have become one with the universe or I have become addicted to the dopamine ping of clicking on an app and having it say “Congratulations, you have been clicking on me every day! Aren’t you special!”

Yeah, smart money is on the latter.

But, this is the longest I have been able to keep up with the goal of meditating for ten minutes a day and I’ve been pleased with it for the most part. For those wondering I use the Headspace app, which hits the right notes for me in having directions that are simple and clear and are spoken in a calm, British voice which makes you feel as though someone is making a cup of tea in the background. I don’t even drink tea but it just gets you in the mindset of being relaxed for a moment.

(On the other hand, the Calm app is filled with nature sounds and lots of talk about getting in touch with your inner self, which just makes me feel as though bugs are crawling all over me while I am reminded of how much of a failure I have been at life. Also, while I am a fan of Sam Harris and have used some of his meditations in the past he tends to quickly go from “now close your eyes and focus on your breathing” to “realize there is no such thing as self” to “you do understand that free will is an illusion and we are all just a set of sub-atomic particles following a direct course dictated by the laws of physics” really, really quickly. It’s not that I don’t want to explore his ideas or even that I disagree with them. It’s just that I would rather put that on my to do list because otherwise I tend to find myself curled up in a corner muttering about how we are all living in a computer simulation.

Yes, determining if we are living in a computer simulation is on my to do list. Right now I’m concerned that the ultimate programmer is worse at writing code than I am.)

Anyway, I will say that taking ten minutes a day to sit in silence and try to clear my head has been useful. Not that I ever make it through all ten minutes uninterrupted but at least I am making that time for myself. It’s helped my mood and my anxiety is slightly better. The most interesting thing so far is that it seems to have helped me fall asleep faster. It’s been a lot easier to quiet my mind at night and fall asleep which is a wonder for someone who has dealt with endless nights of thoughts racing through my head. So, haven’t reached nirvana yet but it has at least shown some benefits.


Have a good weekend everyone. 

Send in the clowns...

I figured that I would share the scariest picture that I could find tonight. I’m pretty sure it can’t be beat. The depressing circular tables, the unergonomic chairs and the horrifying ennui of a little used hotel conference room.

Oh, and the clowns. Definitely the clowns. There is no way in the world that the second one on the left hasn’t left a few bodies hastily disposed of in a forest.

I’m not sure if the intense fear of clowns is new or just something I’ve become more aware of over the years. My grandmother collected little clown figurines and I have a few of hers on my desk at home as a reminder of her. It’s really tough for me to view clowns as scary in that regard. They just remind me of grandma’s house.

This picture, on the other hand…

I think there are a few reasons why clowns terrify people. Some of it must go back to childhood birthday parties where this giant person in outrageous makeup and costume acts crazy in front of you and instead of finding it funny you have no idea how to react because this thing is the exact opposite of everything that you have encountered in your entire life. Also, your average birthday clown isn’t particularly funny and balloon animals are highly overrated.

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In my mind what makes people scared of clowns is that there makeup and costume makes them impossible to read. They are so outlandish and noticeable that our minds can’t grasp their motivations. The white makeup erases your ability to focus on any facial expressions other than the big red nose. The wigs freak you out because of the fact that they clearly are wigs and it puts them in that uncanny valley between people and pictures. Add in the baggy, oversized clothing that drives you to insane thoughts about what might be hiding amongst the folds and you have the stuff of nightmares.

So just remember tonight that in the Ramada off that highway exit that you’ve never seen anyone actually take, in a back corner conference room reserved for a “Cereal Convention” this scene is taking place. Beware.

The enormity of tiny actions

Occasionally on Facebook I will reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in years. Inevitably I start off by saying, “I apologize if I was ever an asshole to you in the past. I didn’t mean to but it is only recently that I’ve realized that the way I view myself and the ways others view me is not always the same thing.”

This opening may also be why most people don’t reply back. That and the fact that getting in touch via Facebook is so 2008…

Anyway, as I have gotten older I’ve realized just how clueless we are in understanding the role we play in other people’s lives. We all view ourselves as the hero of our own story with the camera constantly focused on us and us alone. Since we are the focus of our own lives it just seems natural that others would view things the same way. I think the first time most people really understand the disconnect is that first unrequited crush where the other person is your everything but to them you are nothing but a passing glance.

Even with that knowledge we still walk around oblivious to the fact that what we do impacts others. I’m only now realizing that things that I said that I felt were jokes that played off my dry and dark sense of humor were just viewed by other people as being mean. (I’ve also realized that many of my jokes aren’t nearly as funny as I thought they were though I still feel that is because I am too cutting edge. I’m just working on a different level, man.) I’m trying to keep in mind that what I say or do can have an impact on someone else even if I have no intention or knowledge of it. We are all the heroes of our own lives while alternating between villains and supporting characters and extras in those around us and we are never quite sure where we are being cast.

Still, it is important to remember the difference you can make in someone’s life through an action that is small.

Ages ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and my Commodore 64 was the epitome of technology, I was part of a teenage Catholic youth retreat in Chicago. One of those events where you put a lot of teens together and tell them that they are our future without giving them any guidance or even an explanation that the future is going to need a lot of work due to the mistakes that everyone else made in the past. Being a teenager who is aware of the future is like the person walking into the house the morning after the party. You can see that everyone had a lot of fun last night but you are going to be the one on their hands and knees scrubbing the vomit off of the tile floor before mom comes home.

Anyway, I will never forget one thing that happened to me at this event. We were all supposed to go around to various people and pray with them. It sounds odd to start and add a bunch of teenagers who don’t know each other and you can just feel the awkwardness rising. Surprisingly, I never seemed to have a problem with this. I did what I was told, completed the exercise, and was waiting for the next step when near the end this girl grabbed me and asked if I would pray with her. I was going to mutter something about how I had already done one of these but decided to be nice and listen. Which is pretty much all I did. I sat there and listened and paid attention.

After everyone was done they went around and asked people to talk about their experiences. We’re talking about a room of several hundred people so it was easy to just fade into the background and disappear. You’re just a face in the crowd. Except once I realized that the girl I just prayed with was coming up to the microphone I suddenly wasn’t. And when she explained how she walked around for minutes, terrified about coming up to some stranger and talking to them and how at the last minute she turned to this one guy who looked nice and was stunned to find that he listened and cared about what she had to say made her completely rethink what people can be.

I was stunned because I had no idea I had this impact.

I don’t remember her name. I don’t think I ever knew her name. What she said was probably the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me in my entire life. What I did may have been the nicest act I’ve ever done and I was oblivious to it. I’ll never forget it though. People never forget how you make them feel.

Still battling, different current

In a week or so this blog will be fourteen years old, which would either make it a very old eighth grader or a very young freshman in high school. Fall birthdays are the worst no matter how you cut it.

I started writing Battling the Current because I was confounded by where I had found myself in life. I was living in Kansas City with few friends, a job that wasn’t very satisfying, no social life to speak of and an overwhelming feeling that I was struggling against this flow of mediocrity and boredom that was driving me to bitterness. Hence the title, I was battling the current state of my life and the world around me.

(Funny sidebar. I started writing in November 2004 because I was so upset about politics and Bush being reelected. Remember when that was the worst thing that anyone could imagine in politics? Do you know what I would give right now to go back to that time? Hell, do you know what I would give to just not be appalled by watching the news every day?)

Anyway, so I started posting five nights a week about whatever was on my mind. It turned into a mix of pop culture analysis and bar stories with a disturbing level of focus on the daily activities of Lindsay Lohan. What it really captured was my life in my early 30’s as I tried to figure out who I was, what I was supposed to do with my life and find someone who would be willing to share the journey with me. The blog ended up being what I deemed vaguely successful. I had an actual readership; stunned that people I didn’t know read it and horrified that people I knew read it as well. It’s a wonderful little time capsule of my life.

Then a funny thing happened. I actually found all of those things that I was searching for.

Ok, that is not entirely true. I don’t think anyone ever figures out the fullness of their life, especially in their 30’s, but my life made a spectacular turn. Mainly, I finally met the woman of my dreams. Met her again to be more precise but this time we were at the right time in our lives and suddenly all of those late nights at bars talking to random women were replaced with, well, married life. And the blog slowly faded away…

There were a lot of reasons. Most of my focus was on marriage and my job and I had always kept a hard and fast rule to never write about either. Life grew busier and busier and I could barely find time to think, much less spend time each night writing about reality television. Some of my luck in life changed and to quote the Drive By Truckers I was spending most of my time trying to keep it in between the ditches. It was hard for me to find time to write and even when I did I couldn’t go back to writing the way I did before.

But the thing is I really need to write. I feel much better when I do and it is much easier for me to express myself through a keyboard than out loud (though my grammar will always leave much to be desired). And I think I have figured out what to write about and what my goal is going to be this time around.

My plan is just to write about the little things in life. Some bits of beauty or joy or laughter or just thoughts about the world that hit me. Sure there may be some pop culture commentary in there but I hope to keep things light and positive. Everything around us is so dark and caustic and it is so easy to find ourselves drawn into the muck. My goal is to stay away from politics and far, far away from hatred and just focus on the good that is around us. Toss in some old story ideas as well along with some music suggestions because that was always one of my favorite parts of the blog.

The main thing is that I’m going to keep these posts short. I’m borrowing this whole idea from my favorite author Jonathan Carroll whose book The Crow’s Dinner is basically a compilation of pieces like I just described. In fact, I will be using a lot of pictures and quotes that he has shared online because they inspire me. But the main thing is that I’m not going to focus on hitting a word count or a readership level or anything more than writing about some of the beauty around us.

We will see how far this goes. I can’t guarantee anything but it might be nice to have a corner of the internet to myself again.

Test of the Emergency Blogging System

This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender gazes down at him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks up at the bartender in confusion and says quizzically "You have a drink named Steve?"

This has been a test of the Emergency Blogging System. If this was actual content it....it....probably would be very similar.

2017 Resolutions: Fulfillment not Achievement

Well, since it is the first of the year I figure that I should list my resolutions. Since this is too long for a Facebook post it will be on the blog. Since I don’t update the blog any more I will link to it on Facebook. There is something wrong about that interaction but I cannot bother myself to solve it at the moment. As always, I post these in an effort to force myself to have some accountability in life because if it is on the internet it will last forever.

My overall theme for the year is “Fulfillment not Achievement”, which I am taking from something I heard from Tony Robbins of all people. I typically try to steer away from self-help gurus but this point made a lot of sense to me. I was wondering why I really hadn’t gone into full blown mid-life crisis mode, which given my lifestyle I should have long since passed. I realized that in a lot of ways I have achieved everything I have ever hoped for in life. I never thought that I would be so successful in my career, I live a very comfortable life and I even married the woman of my dreams (and in the process, I am continually discovering the challenges and enlightenments of relationships). It’s not a perfect life but I am in no position to complain. Yet I constantly complain.

What I realized is that I am focusing too much on achievement and not on fulfillment. Or, as my theologian on call asked me many years ago, “Are you getting any closer to a state of grace?” So, I am going to try to spend more time this year experiencing life and opening my eyes and less time checking imaginary boxes. Some of these resolutions may seem contradictory to that goal but trust me, if I can follow through with them I will be in a better place by the end of the year.

Resolution #1: Put Kim First: This shouldn’t be a resolution. It should already be ingrained in my being. But, I let my ego get in the way a lot of the time and all it does is add stress to life via situations where I know that I am in the wrong. I need to keep this front of mind.

Resolution #2: Complete my running goals (up to a 10K): After years of doing varying exercise routines to different degrees of success I have started to run again mainly because I actually enjoy it. I’m even one of those freaks that can enjoy running on a treadmill. I just like the simplicity of it. You start and then you finish. You have time and distance. You can stop whenever you want but the only thing that can keep you going is your own desire. Really want to do some 5K and 10K races this year and maybe, just maybe, think about a half marathon.

Resolution #3: Read one Jonathan Carroll novel a month (in order): Simply put, Jonathan Carroll is my favorite writer. The main reason I am still on Facebook is his daily pearls of wisdom that he shares. I’ve been reading him for twenty years and I just want to go back and immerse myself in his writing. While the books aren’t a series there are common themes and I just want to walk my way through them and regain my sense of wonder.

Resolution #4: Meditate for at least 10 minutes daily: I really need to work on my inner self this year. I’ve tried meditation before and have never really stuck with it but I think I have finally found a few starting points that have a lot less “woo” in them. If anything, I just need to find a way to quiet my thoughts and reconnect. I am very curious as to where this one will lead me.

Resolution #5: Discipline Equals Freedom: That is a quote from Jocko Wilinck, who is somebody you should look up if you want to find a combination of Navy Seal and Life Coach. Basically, it is the idea that when you have your routines and you follow them daily they become second nature and free up mental capacity for other challenges. It also forces you to do the tasks that you would rather put to the side because you have to do them. What this means for me is that I am setting up lists of what I need to do morning, afternoon and night and forcing myself to get them done.

Resolution #6: Take a real vacation: Kim and I haven’t taken a real vacation together for almost two years. We are both mentally fried as a result and just need to get away and free our minds from the stress of the world for a few days.

Resolution #7: Figure out what to do with the old blog posts and my writing goals: This is one of those things that has been on my list for a while. I’ve stopped writing due to time constraints though I would like to pick it up again. I also have millions of words in old blog posts that I really want to compile into something meaningful. I’m not quite sure how to go about it but I somehow need to find a way to write more and finish that project while fitting it into the rest of my schedule. I am open to suggestions here.

Resolution #8: Train Alyce to where she can be home alone: For those who don’t know, Alyce is our two-year-old dog who as I write this is sleeping peacefully on our couch. She has also destroyed multiple kennels in order to escape, has chewed dozens of hardcover books when left alone and is quite possibly plotting my demise in order to collect the insurance money. While her behavior has actually improved over the years I have to work with her on her separation anxiety so that we no longer need to have dog sitters in order to leave the house.

Resolution #9: Empathy not cynicism: This is going to be a challenge given that cynicism is basically my default setting. But, the more I look at the world today I feel that the most challenging and “punk rock” way of living one’s life is too be an empathetic human being. To actually give a damn about the people around you is an unexpected act. I want to keep this in mind.

Resolution #10: Build a five-year plan: It has been a while since I had a good five-year plan in place. Not a detailed outline of what I am going to accomplish but an overall set of goals and desires to aim for in life. I’ve found it a good tool to have in that I can always know where my endpoint is.

Well, there is the list. Feel free to add any suggestions as to how I can be a better person. I’m sure that is a very long list.

We find ourselves trapped endlessly in the past

Twelve years ago this week I started Battling the Current. I’ve spent the past few weeks going through old posts as I am trying to compile a “Best of” compilation that I could publish on Kindle. At least that way I could lie to myself and say that I have written a book. This has led me to spend a lot of time thinking about what made me start writing about my life on the Internet for a group of strangers.

When I started this project, I was basically lost in my own life. I lived in Kansas City, had few friends and spent most of my time either at concerts or sitting at a bar drinking alone until closing time on any day that happened to end in a Y. I wasn’t happy with my job; I wasn’t happy with my life and I wasn’t happy with who I was. So, I started to write about my experiences as this guy in his early thirties who was trying to figure out who he was and what he was doing wrong with his life.

I stopped writing in 2011 mainly because that journey had ended. I had overcome my shyness and awkwardness and made great friends. I found myself in a job that I loved and had, after a miraculous set of occurrences that still defy all rational explanation, married the woman of my dreams. The woman who, when I started writing this blog, I wished would read it just to know that she had never left my mind.

But that wasn’t the only reason I started writing.

I had just seen an election end in a way that defied belief. Working in Kansas left me surrounded by people professing thoughts and ideas that I just could not fathom. I looked at the world around me and it just didn’t make sense. I know that I am not as smart as I think I am but I knew that our world could be so much better if we just tried for once so that was the other aspect of the blog: writing about my befuddlement at the world around me. Sometimes it was finding humor in the inane and sometimes it was my “dime store philosophy” on what matters in life.

That need to write faded in the last five years as well. Not that the craziness still didn’t exist but life made more sense. I am now in my forties and married with a mortgage and I am no longer on a first name basis with a dozen bartenders. My life is in no way easy but my trials and tribulations are common and personal. It just wasn’t what I needed to write about. My life and the world around me seemed normal.

And then last night happened.

I sat and watched the election returns and found myself going from happy and confident to very concerned to incredibly depressed in the span of two hours. Someone who I believe has no qualifications to be president has become it. Someone who appalls me by his personal behavior and statements is now in control. And if you asked me what I did to stop it all I can say is that I cast my solitary vote against him. I didn’t even write about it.

Now I fully respect every person’s right to vote for whomever they wish. I have many friends, including some of the best people I know, who voted for Trump. But all I felt from this entire campaign is a platform of fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of progress and a desire to go back in time to the way things used to be. Make America Great Again by going back to what it was. Except that as anyone who studies history knows what this nation was is not something we can look back upon with perfect fondness.

I heard many times from Trump supporters that “I want my country back.” The problem is that this country is not singular, it’s plural. It is our country. It has always been our country. We are all in this together. Any time you single out people as “the other” who don’t belong you ruin all the work we have done in two centuries to overcome our faults and to make the American Experiment worthwhile.

As much as Trump promises a return to the old days and of blue collar jobs becoming plentiful it ignores the fact that those jobs don’t exist anymore. The fact that they are done by American robots instead of Chinese robots or Mexican robots does not change the unvarnished truth that humans need not apply. The issue of income inequality, of the loss of the manufacturing base with nothing to replace those jobs, is the greatest issue facing the economy today. With that I agree with Trump. It’s just that his plan wouldn’t make it past a first-year macroeconomics course.

So, what does this all mean? I’ve sat around today and wondered what is next for me: my job, my life and my future. And I find myself thinking of where I was twelve years ago when I decided to start putting my thoughts into the ether in the hope that somehow, someway, in doing so the world would make sense. That maybe, I could help someone else on the same journey. Well, I think the time to do so again has returned. Time to write about middle age and a world that has lost the plot and maybe, just maybe, this time we can make things right for good.

2015 / 2016 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Time for part two of the Bowl Preview though I have to start with an apology from part one. I screwed up a joke by saying LIBAR instead of LIBOR. I know, it ruined everything and made the entire enterprise completely meaningless. I’ll try to make it up here as we look at the December 26 – December 30 bowl games otherwise known as “Congrats on winning seven games” bowls.

December 26

St. Petersburg Bowl: Connecticut vs. Marshall (St. Petersburg, Florida, Tropicana Field, 11 AM ESPN): If you are going to have a St. Petersburg bowl I think you really need to go all out and have it in Russia as opposed to a baseball stadium in Florida. I mean what would you rather have: a game played in front of Vladimir Putin or a game played in front of Billy the Marlin? (Yes, I know that is technically the Marlins mascot but I have no idea what the Rays mascot is called.) Fun fact: Illinois was scheduled to play a game in Moscow in 1989 or thereabouts but it was cancelled. That was the highlight of Illinois football for a good decade, though. Anyway, Connecticut is a state and Marshall is hopefully still coached by Matthew McConaughey.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Miami vs. Washington State (El Paso, Texas, Sun Bowl, 2 PM CBS): Miami of course gave us the best play of the year with the game winning, last second, twelve lateral, three illegal block in the backs, thirteen players on the field kickoff return in which the refs decided to all go “Screw it. Who the hell wants to see Duke win a football game anyway.” I am pretty sure that was Miami’s only highlight of the season as they fired their coach during the season and I can’t recall any of their other games and I follow Miami football. On the positive side, the Sun Bowl is actually played outdoors during the day making it one of the few bowl games that make logical, grammatical sense other than the times when it is played during an eclipse or, you know, the rain.

Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl: Washington vs. Southern Miss (Dallas, Cotton Bowl, 2:20 PM ESPN): Wow, talk about a conflict for the state of Washington. There are more than forty bowl games and the two teams from your state play at the same time in different games in Texas. Also, in talking about logic the Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl is played in the Cotton Bowl while the Cotton Bowl isn’t played in the Cotton Bowl. Sigh. As always, the fact that the Heart of Dallas Bowl is sponsored by a fried chicken chain just leads to cardiologist, cholesterol and bypass jokes. This year I will go with the Heart of Dallas is clogged with traffic like the drive through lane.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Indiana vs. Duke (Bronx, New York, Yankee Stadium, 3:30 PM ABC): You get one of these bowl games every year where you wish you were watching another sport instead except this time you are hoping for any sport other than football. I’m not sure how playing football in Yankee Stadium in December sounds like a good idea except for a) the people in the luxury boxes, b) the people selling hot chocolate or c) the people who are pleased by the fact that global warming has now made it possible to sell the Bronx as a luxury tropical destination. Plus, it is Indiana and Duke so we would rather watch them play each other in basketball. Hell, I’d rather watch their football teams play each other in basketball.

Camping World Independence Bowl: Tulsa vs. Virginia Tech (Shreveport, Louisiana, Independence Stadium, 5:45 PM ESPN): Correction from the last entry: there are three bowl games in Louisiana that Popeyes, which makes clear in every commercial how their affordable fried items of food like substances contain the soul of Louisiana, could sponsor instead of the one in the Bahamas that they do. Of course, to many of us this game will always be the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl in which we celebrated the freedom to attack our lawns with dangerous pieces of equipment. This will be Frank Beamer’s last game as coach of Virginia Tech so it is a bit of an end of an era and possibly the last time you will need to care about Virginia Tech football for a while. I’m not sure you have ever needed to care about Tulsa football unless you needed to make an innuendo with the term “Golden Hurricane.”

Foster Farms Bowl: UCLA vs. Nebraska (Santa Clara, California, Levi’s Stadium, 9:15 PM ESPN): This is your certified organic, locally produced, farmer’s market purchased, and slathered with ketchup bowl game.  Illinois beat Nebraska this year which should preclude Nebraska from making any bowl games or even admitting that this season ever occurred. Like they should just consider the past six months one long dream sequence in a movie though to be honest if we wiped out the last six months of all that has occurred in the state of Nebraska we would….probably not notice anything. I assume that the UCLA players are upset because they have to leave Los Angeles and therefore miss out on a commercial audition.

December 28

Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman: Pittsburgh vs. Navy (Annapolis, Maryland, Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium, 2:30 PM ESPN): It is tough to feel sorry for Pitt under any circumstance but wow, did they get a bad break on their bowl game this year. They have to play Navy in the Military Bowl which is being played in Annapolis and is sponsored by the military industrial complex. Outside of a government shutdown due to a budget impasse I really don’t see how Pitt can win this game unless they decided to, I don’t know, play it on land or something.

Quick Lane Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Minnesota (Detroit, Ford Field, 5 PM ESPN 2): We really should get a “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee with this game. Seriously, cut out everything, use overtime rules, and just play the game that way. No one will notice. ESPN 2 will get the same ratings if they aired a test pattern. Minnesota isn’t even a .500 team and one of their wins came against Illinois so that doesn’t really count.

December 29

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: California vs. Air Force (Ft. Worth, Texas, Amon G. Carter Stadium, 2 PM ESPN): I do like the consistency of Air Force playing in the Armed Forces Bowl which is also sponsored by your friendly neighborhood military industrial complex. I’m pretty sure Eisenhower mentioned that in his farewell address “If we are not careful soon our nation will be run by organizations that sponsor third tier bowl games. Also, you should probably keep an eye on this Nixon guy.” I always find it interesting that athletically you always refer to the school as Cal or California but academically you always refer to it as Berkley as if they never want you to realize that it is the same place. But they are wrong so go Air Force and teach those damn hippies a lesson.

Russell Athletic Bowl: North Carolina vs. Baylor (Orlando, Orlando Citrus Bowl, 5:30 PM on ESPN): This game is not the Citrus Bowl even though it is being held in the Citrus Bowl though at least we do not have the whole Cotton Bowl situation here. This is more like a “give an excuse for more people to come to Disney World on winter break” game even though the parks are incredibly crowded already. Not a bad matchup though so feel free to watch it if you have nothing else to do on a Monday night and let’s face it after several days of dealing with family you really don’t want to have anything to do.

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl: Nevada vs. Colorado State (Tucson, Arizona, Arizona Stadium, 7:30 PM on Campus Insiders): It is just cruel to have Nevada play in the Home Loans Bowl given that three quarters of the team had their houses foreclosed upon in the last ten years. This game is being shown on Campus Insiders which is….which is….seriously, what the hell is Campus Insiders? We can’t even get a real network for this game? There are twelve ESPN’s at the moment and even though I still can’t convince them to air Australian Rules Football again you’re telling me that no one wants to broadcast this game? The legacy of the Arizona Bowl deserves better than this.

AdvoCare V100 Texas Bowl: LSU vs. Texas Tech (Houston, NRG Stadium, 9 PM ESPN): Finally we start getting some real games or at least games between teams you voluntarily watched during the season. LSU is always good for one ill-advised trick play that somehow works and Texas Tech decided years ago that playing defense just wasted time so this will be fun to watch. AdvoCare is one of those companies whose name sounds like the villain’s shell organization in a low budget science fiction film. “Don’t worry we here at AdvoCare care greatly about our customers. Just please don’t ask about V1 to V99. Especially V27. And for the record V74 was contained despite what you may read on the internet.”

December 30

Birmingham Bowl: Auburn vs. Memphis (Birmingham, Alabama, Legion Field, 12 PM, ESPN): Isn’t it at least a little unfair that they have Auburn playing in Birmingham? I understand the need to sell tickets and these bowl games are famous for having all the fans sit on one side of the stadium just to make it look better for the cameras but this is a bit ridiculous. One of the interesting parts of this season was the fact that some of the smaller schools (Temple, Memphis, Navy, Tulsa and a few others) put together really good records and for a second made it look like they might make it to a top tier game. Instead they basically have to play a road game. Well, at least the kids from Memphis are being paid for their trouble…

Belk Bowl: North Carolina State vs. Mississippi State (Charlotte, North Carolina, Bank of America Stadium, 3:30 PM ESPN): For all of those parents out there I really recommend using the word “Belk” as your all-purpose swear word for use in front of the children. “What the Belk?” “God, she is such a Belk.” “That is a bunch of Belk.” It works for all occasions. Plus, when they ask you what does Belk mean you could make up any answer you want and it will sound completely plausible because let’s face it: I don’t think anyone actually knows what the Belk Bowl is meant to represent. It is the mystery spot of bowl games. All we know is that since it is being played at Bank of America stadium the use of any competing bank’s cards will result in a three dollar fee and the coin toss must be returned by 5 PM to avoid additional penalties.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Louisville (Nashville, Nissan Stadium, 7 PM ESPN): Bowl sponsorships really do take away some of the fun of the bowl games. I miss the days of the Bluebonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. The Music City Bowl would have fit in perfectly back then. It is simple, fun and you have a good shot at figuring out which city the game is being held in. Now it just reminds you that the Christmas bills are coming due and you are going to have to scrounge for the mortgage payment. Pretty sure everyone will be cheering for the Aggies because a) Texas A&M fans travel well, b) no one in the state of Tennessee likes Louisville and c) there is always a chance that Johnny Manziel may stumble onto the field in uniform and decide to get in a few snaps.

National Funding Holiday Bowl: USC vs. Wisconsin (San Diego, Qualcomm Stadium, 10:30 PM, ESPN): Where to start on this one? Ok, National Funding is probably the scariest name for a bowl sponsor that I have ever seen and I really have no clue who they are. What nation are they funding? Is this a voluntary operation or are we going to be held up by our ankles in order to get every last cent from our pockets? Also, in this day of ATM cards is being held by your ankles an effective way of getting money from a person? This should easily be one of the best matchups of the bowls as Wisconsin is always tough and USC has talent to burn and really started playing well once they got rid of their coach for showing up drunk to practices. That is not a joke. Their coach was fired and sent to rehab with every indication that he was drunk on the sidelines. At Wisconsin they would put up a statue of you for that but at USC that is apparently a violation of school policy.  Anyway, a great game to end the night before the night otherwise known as “New Year’s Eve for those of us who don’t want to be surrounded by drunks.”

2015 / 2016 Bowl Preview: Part One

It’s that time a year again. Time to revive an old Battling the Current tradition of reviewing every single bowl game. Also, I need to post something this year otherwise Blogger will sell the kcgatsby domain from under me and I spent too much time building up brand equity (and then letting that equity fade into oblivion) for that to happen. Anyway, we will start with the Pre-Christmas bowl games otherwise known as the “You really don’t deserve this” bowls.

December 19

Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl: Alcorn State vs. North Carolina A&T (Atlanta, Georgia Dome, 12 ABC): Starting the bowl season off with a bang featuring two teams that I was unaware were playing Division I football (or FBS or whatever they are calling it now). Alcorn State is the alma mater of Steve McNair while North Carolina A&T is an indication that North Carolina has way too many schools. I mean you have North Carolina, North Carolina State, East Carolina, Western Carolina, Coastal Carolina, UNC-Charlotte plus Duke, Wake Forest and Elon (which I believe exists solely as an answer in crossword puzzles). Plus, why can’t we have Air Force playing in the Air Force Reserve Bowl?

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Arizona vs. New Mexico (Albuquerque, University Stadium, 2 PM ESPN): God, it must suck to play for New Mexico. First off, you have to go to school in New Mexico, a state that exists solely for the purpose of placing people in the witness protection program. Then, you play all year in front of a crowd of dozens in one of those conferences where the games are seemingly all played at 2 in the morning. Then, after striving and fending off injuries you get to play in a bowl game and where do you get to go? Albuquerque. Gildan indeed.

Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Utah (Las Vegas, Sam Boyd Stadium, 3:30 PM ABC): It’s BYU vs. Utah in Las Vegas! The casinos have all ordered extra sparkling water for the event. Everyone is invited to bring the wife and kids. And the other wife. And the other wife, you know the one that was caught in a catfishing scheme. I swear that every time I write one of these reviews BYU is playing in Las Vegas and I make the same comments. Except that this year they are sponsored by Royal Purple, which according to Wikipedia is a lubricant manufacturer. There is a joke there with Las Vegas and lubricant manufacturer but even I don’t want to go there.

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl: Ohio vs. Appalachian State (Montgomery, Alabama, Cramton Bowl, 5:30 PM ESPN): The fact that they named a bowl game after Gonzo’s chicken girlfriend is rather surprising but hey, who am I to judge. Plus, we have the Raycom Media game being shown on ESPN instead of, I don’t know, Raycom Media. Not much else to say other than a) we should probably call it The Ohio for consistency sake and b) here is another school to add to the North Carolina list.

Cure Bowl: San Jose State vs. Georgia State (Orlando, Orlando Citrus Bowl, 7 PM, CBSSN): Yes! It’s The Cure Bowl! Break out the eyeliner and mascara! Both teams will be dressed in black and after every touchdown the entire stadium will sing “Saturday’s great and Sunday always comes too late”. Turnovers will be met with a rousing rendition of Boys Don’t Cry. And don’t you dare miss the halftime performance…

(By the way, to my KC readers we will be seeing The Cure at Starlight in June so I can make my triumphant return to the city. And you damn well know that I will be making my way to a trivia game while there.)

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Louisiana Tech (New Orleans, Mercedes-Benz Superdome, 9 PM ESPN): In one of the lesser known trophy games Arkansas and LSU play for the Golden Boot because if you look at Arkansas and Louisiana on a map it kind of looks like a boot. This has absolutely nothing to do with this game other than Arkansas State and Louisiana Tech should play for some type of trophy, possibly a Silver Slipper or a Bronze Ballet Flat. That said I will become an Arkansas State fan for a day if it gives me a reason to go to New Orleans.

December 21

Miami Beach Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. South Florida (Miami, Marlins Park, 2:30 PM ESPN): This is like the non-union equivalent of an SEC game. There is something completely wrong with calling a game the Beach Bowl and then playing it inside a domed baseball stadium. They should just make this game a flag football game on the beach. At least that would give us a reason to watch other than to see the Western Kentucky mascot and be reminded of Grimace.

December 22

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Akron vs. Utah State (Boise, Idaho, Albertsons Stadium, 3:30 PM ESPN): This is my favorite bowl game dating back to its origins as the Humanitarian Bowl. There is no bigger screw you to a college football player to spend all year permanently injuring yourself for no pay only to be sent to play an extra game on blue turf in Boise. Still better than being in Akron I suppose.  Also, the Potato Bowl sounds like one of those menu items at KFC that includes whatever is within reach of the cashier with the possibility, though no guarantee, of potato or potato by-products.

Marmot Boca Raton Bowl: Toledo vs. Temple (Boca Raton, Florida, FAU Stadium, 7 PM ESPN): This game is being sponsored by a rodent. I don’t care what anyone else says, I don’t care that Marmot is supposedly an outdoor clothing company, I see the name Marmot and I immediately think of a small, furry creature that lurks in swamps. This is the first game so far that I wouldn’t mind actually watching due to the fact that Temple has been much better this year than you would ever expect it to be.

December 23

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. Northern Illinois (San Diego, Qualcomm Stadium, 4:30 PM ESPN): I have never understood the sponsorship of this game and this one has been around for years. I assume the only people who would care about the San Diego County Credit Union live in San Diego and as a result have much better things to do than watch a game between two schools they know nothing about. That said last year’s halftime show “A Tribute to LIBAR” was very touching. I’ll get into my rant about Northern Illinois being in a bowl and Illinois being delegated to oblivion in another entry.

GoDaddy Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Bowling Green (Mobile, Alabama, Ladd-Peebles Stadium, 8 PM ESPN): GoDaddy is no longer going to sponsor Danica Patrick in NASCAR due to their belief that it is not the best use of their advertising dollars. Now think about all of the GoDaddy commercials you have seen in the past decade and ask yourself at what point did they ever do a cost-benefit analysis on their marketing budget before. Now I won’t be able to find Danica by looking for the green car and will now have to go back to looking to see who is running 21^st. Anyway, this game exists and Ladd-Peebles sounds like a really cool name for a stadium.

December 24

Popeyes Bahamas Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Western Michigan (Nassau, Bahamas, Robinson National Stadium, 12 ESPN): Part of this game should just consist of the two teams hanging out on the beach and watching the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and laughing their asses off. Talk about a sweet deal. I’ll take Christmas Eve in the Bahamas. Anyway, we have yet another directional state versus directional state contest and other than the location I really don’t know what to say other than despite the fact that there are two bowl games in New Orleans Popeyes sponsors one in the Bahamas. I guess fried chicken executives need a vacation as well.

Hawai’i Bowl: San Diego State vs. Cincinnati (Honolulu, Aloha Stadium, 8 PM ESPN): It’s a holiday tradition unlike any other. It’s Christmas Eve. The tree is lit, the presents are all wrapped, there is no snow to shovel because thanks to global warming winter no longer exists and you have a choice to make: do you spend time with your family or do you plop yourself down on the couch to watch two middling college football teams. The choice is clear. I mean, you spent good  money on that couch and it was such a pain getting it into the living room so you might as well make full use of it.

That is it for part one. Stay for part two where we review the holiday week games and hopefully have some involving teams you may have heard of.

Six seconds in Dallas viewed fifty years later

I first read the Warren Report when I was in seventh grade. This is one of those facts that I should have been legally obligated to reveal to Kim before we got married. Somewhere in the vows after for better or for worse should be “Are you aware of the fact that your potential husband had detailed discussions on the ballistic reports for the Kennedy assassination when he was twelve years old?” That is a pretty large skeleton to have hidden in one’s closet.

I mention this because I just finished reading Gerald Posner’s book “Case Closed” which pushes the mind boggling conclusion that Oswald acted alone and I want it to be clear that I have studied this subject for much of my life. I’ve read numerous books, wrote a research paper on the subject in college (which I still have a copy of) and have had to be forcibly restrained from spending time on vacation in Dallas recreating the steps of the motorcade. I can’t really explain why this is the case other than I grew up in a Kennedy-centric household and the mystery about it caught my attention. The fact that there was this world changing event where no one was quite sure what happened just fascinates me.

So this book was my latest examination of the case and the one that I agree with for the most part. Part of this is the technical details but another, and the more interesting side, is the personal history of Oswald. I had never really examined his life in great detail though I could recount the main points: joined the marines, defected to the Soviet Union, returned to the US, arrested for pro Cuba activities in New Orleans and ended up in Dallas after a strange trip to Mexico City. However, Posner went into other details that really struck me when viewed in the light of other crimes over the past fifty years.

In essence, if you look at the personal life of Oswald you do not see someone who would be a mob hitman or a KGB agent or a part of some wide ranging sinister plot. You see someone who much more resembles the guy who shot Gabby Giffords or some of the other mass shooters. Oswald barely had a high school education and went to like a dozen different schools over the years. He was fascinated by the ideas of communism and Marxism but in the sense that a fourteen year old would be. He grasped the talking points and the propaganda but had no deep understanding of it. He wanted to constantly be the center attention and show his importance but he was basically a nobody. In Russia he thought people would flock to him as an American. In the US he thought people would want to hear his story about his defection. But no one cared and when people questioned his beliefs he became belligerent. He was an abusive husband and paranoid and was against all types of government. You wouldn’t trust him to mow your lawn much less with a plot to assassinate the leader of the free world.

It just really struck me in reading this that I had read profiles of people like this for years and never made the connection. You see the parallels to the Columbine shooters and the Oklahoma City bombers and a number of other lone mass shooters over the years. Someone lost in society, anti-social, paranoid and delusional, who takes advantage of a weapon and an open society to perform a heinous act. One of the reasons that people are drawn to conspiracy theories is that we don’t want to admit that one lone nut can change the world. We want the view that someone, even a massive evil cabal, is in charge and driving the world. We don’t want to believe that one person can cause mass destruction and change everything. But we’ve seen it over and over again.

Once you grasp that then the rest of the assassination is relatively straightforward. Governor Connally has to be shot from behind. While it looks weird in the Zapruder film Kennedy was also shot from behind. We think we know what it looks like when someone is shot but all we have seen is thousands of TV and movie shootings and most of us have no first hand experience (thank god). We know that shots were fired from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository because three people on the fifth floor heard the shots come from above them. Oswald was the last person seen on the sixth floor. Oswald was the only employee who left the building after the shooting. He was a lone nut with a rifle and a desire to show to the world that he was important. It is a story that we see all too often in history. We would love for everything in life to have a deeper meaning especially in history. But sometimes it is just a car driving past an unstable man with a perverse desire for fame.