So I was reading the paper the other day...

Due to all of my childhood recollections there are a great number of serious news stories that I have neglected to comment upon in the past week or so. I’ll try to catch up…

The Gov. Blagoevich Scandal: As I have been telling everyone for the past week: bribery is not a crime in Illinois so I don’t see what the big deal is. Who doesn’t get paid for a senate seat? And if the Children’s Hospital wants some additional funding I see nothing wrong with them ponying up some additional cash for the old campaign fund. (That is the most insane part of the entire story. He blackmailed a freaking Children’s Hospital.) Even better is the picture of the Governor outside of his Chicago home next to a sign promoting “Rat Catching” services.

I really didn’t think he would last the week but it now looks as if we are in for a long haul of impeachment hearings, court cases and nothing happening in the state until we can finally get him out of office. I really want to understand his mindset. Even if he is not convicted his political career is over. So instead of stepping aside he decides to fight to the end and take the entire state down with him. Maybe common sense will hit him at some point like a flying shoe. Speaking of which…

The shoe throwing incident: Others have written about this and I will have to agree. I have no love loss for this president. I started the blog after he was reelected and I will be glad to see him out of office. The state that the country is in right now is his legacy. But even with that, I am disgusted by the way that this was immediately treated as a joke. A “look at the wacky hijinks Bush has gotten himself into this time” type of thing like a sketch on a bad comedy show. He is the leader of my country, the most powerful nation on the planet. We are a country that does not bow our flag to any world leader. We stand with pride and honor at all times. But now our president has been reduced to ducking shoes like some honcho of a banana republic (either the nation or the clothing store). I’m ashamed and disgusted by the act.

Simply Red releases a Greatest Hits CD: I saw this a little while back. I know of only one Simply Red song. I can’t actually name it but I know that they had one song. Now they apparently have twenty tracks for a Best of disc. This astounds me. I couldn’t believe that anyone would want one tack, much less twenty. Or even remember who they are. That is marketing for you.

Whopper Perfume: For those of you who are like me and are desperately seeking to find that perfect gift for that special someone in your life I direct you to go to your nearest Burger King and pick up a bottle of Eau d’Whopper. I am not making this up. Some of the people at Burger King came up the idea of a scent of “flame broiled goodness” called Flame and they are actually selling it. So if you like your women smelling like grease and looking like they are available on the dollar menu here is your best opportunity.

This just tops the Penn State fragrance that was all released this month. Because even Mystery can’t compete with Joe Pa.

Space Shuttles for Sale: Ok, I am going to call upon my financing team to work with me on this one. I know the markets are tight but this might be the best thing ever in terms of impressing women. I originally thought that buying Bjorn Borg’s Wimbledon trophies would be the smartest move I could make (bring a woman back to your place, have her see the trophies and when she asks go, “Oh, I won Wimbledon a few years back.”) but this would top it. Some guys buy a sports car for their mid-life crisis. I buy a freaking space shuttle.

Of course, once I purchase it a few improvements will need to be made. Racing stripes for one. A kick ass stereo system and some hydraulic jacks will also be added. To pay for it I’ll get MTV to film it as a series called “Pimp My Space Shuttle”. Xzibit probally could use the work.

Publishing note: I’ll post another Kansas City dating story over the weekend as a treat for those of you who do check the site. I think I’ll tell the story of my introduction to the Kansas City scene. It is definitely worth checking out.

Collect them all!

Time to continue down Christmas memory lane by examining more of the toys from my youth. Tonight: Action figures or how to raise your son to be a brilliant military tactician.



Transformers: This might come as a surprise to a lot of people but I always found Transformers to be highly overrated. I am discussing the figures themselves and not the animated series that was so many different levels of awesome they had to construct a periodic table of awesome just to quantify it. But the toys themselves proved the basic point that if you try to be two things at once you fail at both. Let’s say you are given an Autobot for Christmas. After whining about not getting Starscream you start to play with it as a car and discover it doesn’t roll very well and can’t keep its car shape. So you turn it into a robot and it is armed but it doesn’t have the sleekness or freedom of movement that you’d like. Still, better than a GoBot. What a waste of plastic those things were.

(Comment on the movie. It can’t be considered a Transformers movie unless Soundwave is involved. I’m sorry but that is the rule. They said they couldn’t include him because they didn’t want to break the law of the conservation of mass in the operation of transforming. This even though we completely ignore what happens to the tractor trailer that Optimus Prime is carrying every time he transforms. Completely unfair. Even worse than Megatron no longer being a gun.)



MASK: This is the completely forgotten toy/cartoon series. It was kind of this combination of Transformers and G.I. Joe in which you had people using military vehicles masquerading as regular cars. Why I was taught as a child that all cars should be armed is beyond me. MASK should be used as a case study in business school in the importance of naming your product. The toy series and cartoon was released in 1985, the same year the movie Mask was released. If you wanted to freak out your parents as a kid in the mid-80’s ask for a MASK action figure. No one wants to get their son a Cher action figure.

Oh and MASK stands for Mobile Armored Strike Kommand. Sigh. I think I lost twenty IQ points writing that sentence.



Those Little Plastic Army Men: Oh, let me count the ways that these guys ruled. First, after the Stratego debacle I finally received toys that allowed me to fight World War II battles and that means tanks and bazookas and flamethrowers. Also, thank to their relative inexpensive nature it was incredibly easy to bring in a few new brigades of reinforcements. I should thank my parents for getting one of my brothers the Guns of Navarone playset that taught me the importance of having the high ground in any military battle. (It was this huge mountain playset where you could either a) decide to play it as is and try to defeat the Nazis or b) use it as a secondary Death Star and lead an X Wing assault against it.) More importantly, I still remember that several of the plastic guys were of someone being shot with their helmet flipping into the air. War takes on a little different meaning at eight when you see that on the basement floor in front of you.



GI Joe: (No, that is not a picture of my apartment. I never did get the aircraft carrier.) The amount of time I spent in my youth watching GI Joe cartoons is too much to even try to calculate. Especially when you realize that there weren’t that many episodes and they all had the same plot. Here is my concern about the modern US military. The people leading it will all have watched the show growing up and we have all been raised to believe that it is perfectly fine to hang completely exposed on the outside of a vehicle in the midst of a battle. Or that all assault vehicles should have large glass windows in the front so that the driver can see clearly. As always, one wanted to have the Cobra guys. Even Dr. Mindbender was cool in comparison to Shipwreck (who looked as though he moonlighted in a Village People cover band in his off hours.)



M.U.S.C.L.E.: I had some of these as a kid. I have no idea why. I’m not sure how was one was ever meant to play with them. Maybe I thought that since they were Japanese they had to be cool. If anyone can fill me in I would be glad to know.



He-Man: (As you can guess, I’ve been grabbing these images off the net. I am incredibly scared as to what might be behind these black bars.) Ok, I had He-Man action figures as a kid. A lot of them. And they were played with constantly. Not sure if I should admit it but hey, I’m reading Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part II this week so I think I turned out ok. What is most interesting is that the way I played with them completely changed as I grew up. I started off following the plot of the cartoon show as He Man led the charge to clean up Eternia of Castle Greyskull, which was another one of those cool toys as a kid. But as I grew older that changed.

I realized that the He-Man figures worked really well as wrestling action figures. The WWF action figures at the time were horrible but with He-Man you had a lot of flexibility and a lot more natural flexibility. Then I realized that four gym shoes provided a makeshift ring and a plastic milk crate a steel cage. So it went from from defending Eternia to competing for the Galactic Heavyweight Title. I hope this shows that I was creative as a kid. Probably shows that I watched way too much pro wrestling.



Star Wars: You know I had to finish with this one. The picture is of my actual printer where from left to right I have Darth Vader, a Tie Fighter Pilot, R2-D2, Boba Fett, a Stormtrooper and Chewbacca watching over me. This was the absolute ultimate in toys with me for ages. I even had two stormtroopers because you could always use more stormtroopers. There was nothing better than the Death Star playset. Here is what you got with it: a gun and turret in order to launch X Wing raids on the station, a sliding bridge and rope to recreate Luke and Leia’s swing, the control room to recreate the battle scene (or as often, have Luke crash into when he fell off the rope swing), a trash compactor with foam trash and trash compactor monster and finally, a freaking elevator to get the figures between floors. Absolutely nothing better than that.

Sure it is probably a little embarrassing that I actually have these things sitting on a desk underneath two diplomas but I like what they symbolize. They are from when I was a pure and innocent kid who just liked to sit on the floor of his bedroom and create adventures out of every corner of his mind. Every time I look at them I have to smile and I don’t think anyone could complain about that situation.

Wednesday Night Music Club: To stay in the holiday spirit here is a song from a Christmas record you need to own: Mindy Smith’s “My Holiday”. Watch it, listen, buy it. Makes the holidays perfect.

Packing up the board games

Here is a sense of the way my life works. I went to play trivia tonight and guess what the answer to one of the questions was? Stratego. This is precisely why I blog. I write about so many inane topics that by the time I play in a weekly trivia game I have written about every possible thing that could conceivably be an answer. Came in fourth tonight as a team of one. Pretty impressive but I could still do better.

I also still walk to trivia like I did in Kansas City. I like walking as it a) gives me the illogical notion that going to a bar counts as exercise and b) means that I do not have to worry about what takes place in the bar because I am walking home. However, instead of the five minute walk to Record Bar it is now a fifteen minute walk and doing so in a cold rain is quite annoying. I’m still vaguely drenched.

Ok, on to the board game front (which I’ll wrap up here due to it being too late to surf the net for action figure images. I’ll do that tomorrow.) I did exclude Monopoly and I’m not entirely sure why other than it is such an iconic game that it makes it difficult to discuss Mr. Moneybags in any logical sense. First off, the game begins with the fight over who gets to be the race car. This can turn violent as while settling for the horse or the cannon is acceptable absolutely no one wants to end up with the thimble. That has to be the dumbest playing piece in the history of mankind.

Second of all, much like in Risk, Monopoly requires social interaction and deal making for a game to be successful. This is an inherent flaw in my point of view as I prefer to not have to speak during a game, preferring to just utilize statistical analysis and game theory to dictate my actions. I mean, playing a game and being forced to talk to my family? What the hell? Also, by nature the game can last forever as players can just keep circling the board, collecting $200 and doing nothing. At least in Risk you get to envision laying waste to places like Irtusk.

Switching games, I actually remember playing Pay Day as a kid and really enjoyed it. It was really difficult as an eight year old to get your head around the concept of rent payments and life as a low level wage slave. I checked Wikipedia and your monthly pay in that game was $325 a month. That has to be one crappy apartment you are living in. Hell, even at a $3 an hour minimum wage you aren’t pulling in 40 hours a week. No wonder you had a “Sell your plasma for the free cookie” card.

There was one more game I wanted to list but after thirty minutes on Wiki and racking my brain all day I still can’t remember the name. If any of my siblings read this (or if anyone else knows) please post it in the comments. It was a game in the same format as Guess Who except that instead of vague pictures of children it was pictures of adults with various occupations. Each player chose a card representing who you are and the other players asked “Does your person have glasses?” and you could only answer yes or no. So from that point it was process of elimination.

The reason I remember this game so clearly is because of two cards. If you held one card “The Sycophant” (not the name but close enough) no matter what another player asked you would always answer “yes”. My favorite character was “The Liar” who would always lie about whatever question was asked. Playing as, or against, The Liar made the game incredibly challenging. Yes, the fact that I was enjoying logic puzzles at age 9 does say a lot about me.

Tomorrow: Action Figures! They’re not dolls, damnit, they’re action figures.

Holiday Memories: The Board Games

Given that it is the holidays and all I thought that it would be fun this week to look back at some of the favorite toys and games from my youth. I’ll be doing this on and off all week so who knows what you are going to get. To start, I’ll look at some of my favorite board games. Keep in mind that I am the fourth of five children in a highly competitive family. The only rule was if you cheat you better not get caught especially if you are proven to be cheating through the use of a mathematical proof. On to the games.



Clue: The classic game to find out who killed Mr. Boddy has a number of aspects that absolutely no one bothers to discuss. To start with the entire premise of the game is that you are locked in a house with a murderer and you go around trying to solve the crime as opposed to grabbing the revolver and barricading yourself in the conservatory with Yvette the French Maid. Secondly, on those occasions where you discover that you yourself are the murderer there is a whole host of quandaries that are avoided as you senselessly confess to the crime. Like “Why did I just spend the past half hour trying to figure out something I already knew?” and “Why don’t I now escape through the open conservatory window?” and “Why don’t I just framed Mrs. White, who no one wants to be anyway?” However, this game does provide for the wonderful moment of accusing your sister of murder. For those wondering, I was always Colonel Mustard though as an adult I’ve realized that Professor Plum is the coolest. Also, this game becomes infinitely better if someone in the family can do a Tim Curry impression.



Risk: The game that can never be won. I ended up buying a version of the game for my Commodore 64 just so I could finally win one and even that took me a month to accomplish. I was probably an adult before I realized that when other people play they do things like form alliances and work together. In our family it was every person for themselves with no niceties involved, especially for whoever had Ukraine. I did invent the “Falkland Islands Rule” in which Great Britain can attack Argentina. I was nine when I made this rule. That explains pretty much everything you ever need to know about me.



Mousetrap: If there is one game that I wanted as a kid but did not have it was Mousetrap. I don’t know what it was about, whether it was interesting or not, or if I would have lost a piece the second time I played it and thus made it completely worthless but man, I so wanted to build the thing. I still do, come to think of it.



Trouble: The only reason anyone ever played Trouble was for the little pop up bubble dice roller thingy. In fact, they probably could have saved a lot on manufacturing costs by just making that and selling it for fifteen bucks a pop.



The Game of Life: Easily my favorite game growing up. It teaches you so much about the importance of getting a good education and buying insurance. It is interesting in that while theoretically you could institute same sex marriage in the game (by assuming that all children are adopted and that everyone lives in Connecticut) it is impossible to go through life as a bachelor. So apparently my life is in violation of the rules of the game. Really this game had everything you could hope for as a kid. Cars, a spinning wheel, little hills to climb, people to place in the cars and the ability to swindle money when the banker wasn’t looking.



Trivial Pursuit: No surprise about having this game on the list. I believe that in all our years of playing the game the team of my mom and myself lost only once. She covered all the entertainment and literature questions and I covered sports, science and geography (we split on history). Also, this was great in that it created huge arguments over rule interpretations, definitions of questions, and whether or not we should let my younger brother answer questions from the children’s version or not. For some reason the children’s version had a surprising number of questions about the Mister T board game. Twenty plus years later and I still remember that.



Stratego: This game was like the counterargument to Risk where instead of conquering the world you were trying to win a battle. Why you were doing so with Napoleon’s army is another mystery for the ages. Just for once I wanted to have a tank on the battlefield. This game is essentially Capture the Flag with bombs thus allowing you to go into such strategic moves as placing one bomb behind another or the famous “switch your pieces while your brother isn’t looking” gambit.

Any board games that I missed? What other favorites are out there?

Holiday spirit (Bah Humbug edition)

Lots of holiday related thoughts on my mind as I actually did some Christmas shopping today. I mean, I could wait until Christmas morning and make my purchases at Walgreens like I usually do but I thought that I would try this year. Anyway, here are some thoughts on the season so far.

1) Did Jesus ever get pissed for having his birthday on Christmas? He was screwed out of presents every year and even when he did get something it was completely useless. Myrrh? How about a big wheel instead?

2) A few weeks ago I did my Holiday Viewing Guide and I was very upset that my favorite Christmas special was not scheduled to be aired on any network throughout the entire season. How can I make it through the month of December without watching Emmitt Otter’s Jugband Christmas? How are children today supposed to learn the importance of not putting a hole in the washtub or the wonders of forming your own bluegrass band? This was a true favorite of mine: a Muppet retelling of the O. Henry story featuring otters. What can be more Christmas than that? Ok, the California Raisins Christmas Special, which featured singing camels, but nothing else.

3) I read online today that KB Toys has filed for bankruptcy for like the twelfth time and is now closing its stores. When you can’t make money in a toy store at Christmas you can tell that the economy is bad. That said, KB Toys was the mall toy store you never really wanted to shop at. There was no order, you always had those yapping plastic dogs running around and for some reason everything seemed to have been made out of the cheapest material possible. I much preferred Toys R Us for my shopping escapades.

4) Oh, speaking of companies taking economic hits I finally realized which company is suffering the most this holiday season. The makers of the giant red bows you place on top of new cars must be tearing their hair out right now. I know that many people are against the Detroit bailout but think about the giant red bow manufacturing industry! If there is anything more American than a superfluous red bow on a large piece of machinery I know not of it.

5) I have been having a huge problem getting into the holiday spirit. It’s not because I’m a Grinch (look, having a heart three sizes too small isn’t that unusual); I think it is more due to my situation. Part of it is that I have absolutely no Christmas decorations up in my apartment. That is one of those things that happens when you are single and live alone. The idea of buying, much less putting up, a tree when you are the only who will see it seems kind of silly. But not having lights or stockings up means that my apartment looks no different than it does any other time of the year.

6) The other issue is one of location. It is not as much that I am away from my family but that for six years now I have been living in places where winter isn’t really winter. We’ve had two snowfalls in Delaware so far and they have both melted the next day (though still being severe enough to send people skidding off the road apparently). I can’t feel as though it is Christmas if I look out and everything is nice and clear. I have no idea how people in Florida handle this time of year. Christmas means snow on the ground and sweaters and shoveling driveways. I don’t really miss that I now avoid the below zero wind chills of my native Chicago but I really do miss the snow.

Best of 120 Minutes: In keeping with the Christmas theme, it is time for my yearly posting of Do They Know It’s Christmas. This year I’ll post the Band Aid 20 version because I don’t think anyone has ever actually heard this version. I’ll still say that this is one of the best songs ever written. It still puts a chill up my spine.

Saying goodbye to a dear friend

I really, really, really do not want to write this post.

I’ve been avoiding writing about this subject on the hope that if I didn’t mention it maybe I will find out that it never happened. That I misread a news article and an email and that it is all just my mind playing a trick on me. But no matter how much we would all like to lie in bed with the blanket over our heads and stay safely unaware in the end we must all face reality.

I received news today that my good friend Donna had tragically passed away at much too young of an age.

I’ve mentioned Donna a lot in my years of keeping the blog. I’ve always referred to her as my favorite bartender, which is undoubtedly true but misses the entire point. Bartender was just her job title. She was at times my confidant, life coach and friend. And one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

One of the things that I have noticed about this world is how little interest people have in one another. Sure we are polite and say, “Hi, how are you doing” but I don’t know if we ever mean it. We all say niceties as a way to make it through the day. But Donna legitimately cared about everyone she met. She would take a genuine interest in someone even though she didn’t have to. She helped me out just by being herself and caring about how I was doing. It’s tough to explain but the person I am now is in part due to her encouragement. She helped to bring me out of my shell at Notre Dame and I owe her great thanks for it.

There are so many great times that I will remember. Flying down to Mexico for Gabriel’s wedding and splitting a hotel room with her and friends. Closing down the Backer with her one night where I looked around to notice that I was the only customer left in the entire bar. The huge hug she gave me when I ran into her in front of the football stadium after graduation. And most of all, her look of joy when we all thanked her for all that she had done for us in our two years of graduate school.

I can’t believe that she is gone. I can’t believe that I’ll never get to see her smile again or hear her laugh. But I will always have my memories and I will always remember someone who took the time to care about someone when he needed it. And maybe I’ll be able to pass that gift on to someone else.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Donna and all of her family and friends. She will be missed.

2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Three)

Time for the final installment in the college bowl preview extravaganza. We finish off with the January bowl games otherwise known as “the only games that matter, though a few of them really don’t.”

January 1:
Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa: The bloody mary of bowl games as this is your first taste of football after a night of debauchery. Once again, my internal twelve year old’s dream of a South Carolina – Oregon State matchup has been thwarted. My hatred for Iowa holds no bounds. This is not just because I am an Illini and for some reason we hate Iowa and all the people in the state (mainly because they are so arrogant in the way they act like they invented corn). It is also because I have had to drive through the state on numerous occasions and other than picking up the Rural Singles Guide at the rest areas there is absolutely nothing to do in the entire state. So I’ll cheer for Steve Spurrier on the hope that his winning in Carolina keeps him at bay.

Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State: Back in the good old days this was the Citrus Bowl with the annual matchup of Tennessee vs. Big 10 Team That Overachieved in the Regular Season. Now we name it for a bank that may or may not exist (though it does promote itself through superheroes) and it still features a Big 10 team that surprised you. This year it is Michigan State which for the first time in its history actually played up to expectations. For that they get to face Georgia which at one point was a national title contender until everyone realized that they weren’t a very good team. I’ll cheer for the Big 10 out of habit and hope that they still do that Mascot Bowl at halftime.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson: Sponsored by the camera used by Ashton Kutcher the Gator Bowl is best known for taking place in Jacksonville where when they ask you to leave the bar it is wise to just leave the bar. This would be an incredible matchup if it were 1981 and cable television did not exist. Instead we feature a Clemson team that might still be employing one of the interchangeable Bowdens as coach against a Nebraska team that really should be helping get the crops in for winter at this time. Also, for those who think that the name “Cornhuskers” sounds slightly bizarre there is a high school team in Illinois whose nickname is, and I am not making this up, the “Cornjerkers”. As a rule, you do not send little kids over to meet their mascot.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Citi: Penn State vs. USC: I am cheering for Penn State in this one for one reason and one reason only. Every win by Penn State makes it that much more likely that Joe Paterno will remain head coach. This will then result in Penn State combining the brightest minds in their engineering and medical schools to create a robot body for Joe Pa so that he will be able to coach indefinitely. Meca-Paterno will have advanced features like infrared vision and a flamethrower in order to best challenge officials rulings. Meca-Paterno will not be stopped. We will all fall to him as robots are strong and their hands are made of metal. This is what football is about.

On the other hand you will have Pete Carroll deciding to go one step beyond wearing red jerseys as the visiting team and will order half of his players to wear no jerseys, a quarter to not wear shoulder pads and the remainder to not wear helmets. They will also play under Canadian Football rules the entire game and will not be able to use the same player as quarterback twice in any given quarter. They will still be a two touchdown favorite.

A few of you will get up early enough to watch the Rose Bowl parade. For those of you who will not I will now provide all of the comments that you would have made if you were awake. “Wow, isn’t that float pretty?”, “Look, another marching band”, “Willard Scott is still alive?”, “They really should have a float made entirely out of hemp” and “Given that you are in my apartment it is safe for me to assume that I kissed you at midnight?” I, on the other hand, will just set my DVR to record the game on the hope of catching one of the Song Girls cheering for the wrong team again.

FedEx Orange Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech: Of all the BCS Bowl Games the Orange Bowl seems to always suffer the worst fate. First, they get the teams that no one wants to see in the BCS to begin with. In years where the Big East and ACC can’t put together a decent football team they should just end football season early and start basketball practice. No one would mind and it would save me from having to write about a Cincy team that does not have a single player that I could name and a Virginia Tech team that lost to East Carolina. Besides the horrible matchups the Orange Bowl also has lost much of the mystique that it used to have. It was the evening game after a full slate of daytime bowl games and it featured the extravaganza that was the Orange Bowl halftime show. The halftime show was often a thirty minute extravaganza featuring elephants, fireworks and washed up celebrities who would otherwise have been working on cruise ships. The third quarter was always fun to watch as the teams had lost their rhythm and had to deal with tire tracks on the field. Smart teams would actually perform surgeries during halftime to repair injuries suffered during the first half. I believe that one year Miami successfully installed a wishbone offense at halftime. Now I’ll just probably watch Chris Berman talk for ten minutes. Takes all the fun out of it.

January 2:
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Ole Miss vs. Texas Tech: I’m going to be working on January 2nd. A decent number of people will be working as you typically don’t want to blow a vacation day on your first day in the office. So I have to say I am really confused why this game isn’t on New Year’s Day. It will be a fun game to watch since Texas Tech runs the Playstation offense in which you line up with five wide receivers on every down regardless of where you are on the field. Of all the Big 12 squads they are the most fun to watch and since they are new to the national scene you don’t feel bad for cheering them. Ole Miss will feature Archie Manning on the sidelines because I believe it is a law that he must be on the sideline whenever anyone cares about the result of an Ole Miss game. Also, have to love the fact that it is assumed that people can’t spell Mississippi so we just call the school Ole Miss.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Kentucky vs. East Carolina: Nothing could be finer than living in East Caroliner. My first Illinois game was against East Carolina and I couldn’t find the state then and I can’t find it now. It does have Skip Holtz though so that counts for something. What I like most about the Liberty Bowl is that every year they make this game later and later to the point that now it is in January. This is interesting because the game is played in Memphis and while it is technically a southern city it really isn’t a warm temperature destination. So every day the game is delayed the odds of having the instruments freeze to the faces of the members of the marching bands increases exponentially. You just can’t pay for that type of entertainment value anywhere else.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Utah vs. Alabama: I haven’t checked with my New Orleans crew as to how the city is taking this matchup. They must love having Alabama in town but are probably a little afraid of the Utah fans. This is because of the dirty little secret behind bowl games and why they don’t want a playoff. Bowl games are meant as a windfall for the cities that host them. For a place like New Orleans the Sugar Bowl (along with Mardi Gras and Jazz Fest) is when the bars earn their profit for the year. So they want nothing more than to have two teams with fanbases who travel well, drink heavily and in the case of the Sugar Bowl, are willing to buy large amounts of plastic beads and enter houses of ill repute. And while Alabama fits the bill Utah might be a little bit of a tougher sell.

I’ll give credit to Utah for making it back to the BCS. Two berths without being in a major conference is a big accomplishment (and one that I don’t see Notre Dame putting together any time soon). But I’ll cheer for Bama just because they are classic college football. Just look at the jerseys and the fans. They epitomize the game. Even if you never understand what an elephant has to do with the Crimson Tide it is still a team you want to cheer for.

January 3:
International Bowl: Buffalo vs. Connecticut: This game is being played in Toronto, which actually makes it convenient for both the teams and the fans. I also love the fact that Toronto is considered international given that the city is used as a backdrop for Chicago or New York in every television show and movie ever made. I don’t think you can call yourself a world traveler if all you have done is visited Toronto. This game features two schools that most people would be surprised to have football teams. In fact, most people would be surprised to find that there is a school named Buffalo. I’m not even sure if I believe it. There is a possibility that this is a nefarious plot by the Canadians to distract us in advance of an invasion but I would not be too concerned. Their military’s advance will be slowed by the fact that they will have to bring out the zamboni every twenty minutes.

January 5:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Ohio State vs. Texas: My impersonation of a Texas fan. “Wah, we should be in the title game!” My impersonation of an Ohio State fan: “Got to love any school that will admit you solely because you were born in the state of Ohio and can lift a pencil.” This certainly looks like it will be a good matchup and I want to see more of the Ohio State QB. He plays like Juice Williams but with things like an arm and poise. They will be matched by a Texas team out to run up the score in the hopes of securing a claim of the title. This is one to watch.

January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Ball State vs. Toledo: Really? We have to wait until January 6th for this game? Is this the second most important game of the season? Do Ball State and Toledo need that much time to prepare? Is the trip to Detroit….wait a minute, this game isn’t in Detroit? The GMAC Bowl is in Alabama? Why the hell is General Motors sponsoring a bowl game in Alabama? First GMAC becomes a bank and starts advertising that I should buy a CD from them since I won’t buy a car from them and now they are sending their advertising dollars out of state? This is totally wrong. I’m going with Ball State just because it is the home of David Letterman.

January 8:
FedEx BCS National Championship Game: Florida vs. Oklahoma: The granddaddy of all the bowl games: the…it’s not even called a bowl game? Wow, you think they would have come up with a better title. So this is the game for the national title between the two most deserving teams. Well, if you ignore the fact that Utah and Boise State are still undefeated. And that Penn State and USC both won their conferences with one loss as well. And that Texas actually beat Oklahoma. And that Alabama is super cool. So yeah, this one will clear up everything.

Let’s look at the two teams. You have Oklahoma, which has just been slaughtering its opponents and scoring something like 60 points a game all year. I’m still not sold on whether that is because they have a great offense or that no one in the Big 12 knows how to play defense. It is not as though those game were 63-3. They have played a lot of tough teams, though. Florida, on the other hand, made its way through the SEC with just a loss to Ole Miss to its credit. A loss that cased Tim Tebow to give his Gipper speech, which announcers are saying will be remembered forever though I still feel he sounds kind of like a dork when he is saying it. Still, they guy knows how to win and he beat Alabama by himself on Saturday.

My pick: If Percy Harvin is healthy I see Florida winning this one easily. No way can Oklahoma match all the weapons that Florida brings to the table. If Harvin’s ankle isn’t healed I still would go with Florida. I just trust Tim Tebow when the game is on the line.

Wednesday Night Music Club: People wonder why I am a fan of Arcade Fire. One simple reason: no one else writes song about power outages.

Arcade Fire MTV Music

2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part Two)

Time for Part II in the three part examination of every bowl game under the sun (including the Sun Bowl, which I guess is technically on the sun.) Tonight, The December 30th and 31st games also known as “for having a respectable season enjoy this trip to someplace warm while playing a game that no one will remember a week from now.”

December 30:
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Maryland vs. Nevada: I am so pissed that I am going to be working when this game is on. Thankfully, I work in an office surrounded by televisions and might be able to coerce one into being tuned to my favorite bowl game of the year. Let’s count the things that make this game awesome: 1) Whereas bowl games were originally named for things that you could put in a bowl (roses, oranges, tangerines, blue bonnets) this game is named after the vague concept of humanitarianism, 2) The fact that humanitarianism is celebrated via an event where large men try to hit each other as hard as possible is a wonder to behold, 3) The game is in Boise, Idaho thus meaning that Maryland fans get to celebrate an above average season by going to Idaho, 4) Bronco Stadium in Boise has the smurf turf, which makes for an amazing sight from a television perspective and also creates situations where birds dive to their deaths thinking that the field is a lake. I like any bowl game where the overall reaction to watching it is, “What the hell?”

Texas Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Rice: You don’t mess with the Texas Bowl. If you were allowed to mess with it I would wish to rename it the “Bowl of Texas Chili featuring Rice”. Otherwise there is no real reason for this game to exist. Given that it is on the NFL Network there is a strong possibility that this game does not actually exist. No one cares about the two teams, no one is going to see the game, and there is no history to the event. For the sake of time could we just have a member of each team sit in front of an Xbox and play NCAA Football 2009 to determine the winner? It would probably draw higher ratings.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Oregon: Of all the early bowl games this is the only one that has any sense of history to it. I mean real history as opposed to funny stories regarding sponsorships. National champions (or at least BYU) have been crowned in this game and it usually features a final score of 57-52 with seven interceptions, three safeties, and one player spontaneously combusting in the third quarter. This is one of those bad color matchups as we have Oklahoma State, the only team that can find a bad shade of orange to use in its uniforms, against Oregon who usually shows up in some Nike abomination featuring fire truck yellow and fluorescent lime green. If that occurs I recommend switching from high def in this one.

(I really do wonder why more teams do not use orange in their team colors. I always felt that Illinois looks really sweet with a stadium decked out in the color.)

December 31:
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Total mismatch in this one. Air Force consists of players who are a) members of the armed forces and b) trained in flying helicopters whereas Houston mainly consists of guys who are constantly told how awesome Andre Ware used to be. The game is being held in Fort Worth at the Amon G. Carter Stadium thus raising the question “Why doesn’t anyone name their kids Amon anymore?” You do have to wonder how valuable a sponsorship this is for Bell Helicopter though. I can see Pacific Life hoping that someone will tune into the game and go, “I really need to pick up some life insurance.” How many people will being sitting on the couch and turn to the wife and say, “You know what we need? Our own helicopter.”

Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Pittsburgh: Yes, it is the return of the Brut Sun Bowl brought to you by Faberge. Always have to respect any game sponsored by a cologne that you thought would get you laid when you were thirteen. Why Wrangler, Old Spice and Polo in the Green Bottle Splashed On In Amounts That Will Kill a Small Animal do not have similar sponsorships is a mystery for the ages. Pitt is coached by Dave Wannstadt, the sworn enemy of all Chicago Bears fans and the owner of the best porn mustache amongst the college coaching fraternity. The fact that I was present for Wanny outcoaching Weis this year explains just why I would like to see Charlie outsourced as soon as possible. This will leave me cheering for Oregon State whose fans did produce my second most favorite sign seen on ESPN this year. During the Oregon-Oregon State game (where a win would have given them the Pac-10 title) two female Oregon State fans held up a sign that read “These Beavers smell like roses”. 10 out 10 for originality on that one.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Boston College vs. Vanderbilt: My favorite sign on ESPN was when Vanderbilt hosted Auburn and a guy held up a sign that read “My butler went to Auburn.” Now that is SEC football for you. Vanderbilt is like Northwestern or Duke or Stanford except without the prestige and notoriety. Yes, it is a top school but it just doesn’t carry the same cache as other schools. Boston College will take the field with various Fluties, a number of female fans in pink jerseys and the air of smugness that is now apparently a god given right for every Boston sports fan. Fun Fact: this Nashville based game is being played at LP Field, which creates this whole retro, analog based feel to the entire event.

Insight Bowl: Kansas vs. Minnesota: I assume that everyone in Kansas City is already sick of hearing the sportscasters giving their insights on the Insight Bowl. Personally, I would be proud of the fact that they are advanced enough to create the pun. This is an epic rivalry between two vaguely Midwestern states which are close enough to be aware of each other but not close enough for anything to really matter. It is more of a matter of determining once and for all which animal reigns supreme: the gopher or the jayhawk. Or which band is better: The Replacements or, uh, Kansas? The Jayhawks were from Minnesota so my musical analogies here are going to get very confusing very quickly.

This game is easy to pick for one reason and one reason only.



One does not mess with the awesome power that is Baby Mangino.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: LSU vs. Georgia Tech: Flying out of Philadelphia, especially on US Air, is one of the worst experiences known to man. All it is is a mass of delays, crowds, and twenty dollar a day parking lots. So when I had to fly out the Sunday of Thanksgiving for work my sole comfort was that I would get to have dinner at the Chick-Fil-A in the US Air terminal. Except that I found out that even at the airport on the busiest travel day of the year they follow the rule that Chick-Fil-A is closed on Sunday because it is meant to be a day of rest. You would not believe how upset this made me. I had never wanted an overrated chicken sandwich more in my life. This is almost as bad as no longer calling this the Peach Bowl. If the game is in Georgia then it is the Peach Bowl. No questions asked.

This game is made for me. I get a scrappy Georgia Tech team running the triple option coached by the old Navy head coach. I have my fellow Cajuns taking the field and running around like madmen. Plus the game is at night on New Year’s Eve so people like me will have something to watch as we sit morosely in our apartments, alone and miserable, wondering about how our lives have become a pathetic farce of the idyllic world that we are force fed by mass media every moment of our existence. Oh, and we get commercials that feature parachuting cows! So we have existential crisis, gimmick offenses and cows. Best way to end a year that I know of.

Tomorrow: The January games in which we answer the question “What Big Ten team will I watch lose this year while nursing a hangover?”

2008/2009 Bowl Preview (Part One)

Given the BCS announcements yesterday and the publishing of the bowl schedule it is time for the third annual Battling the Current Bowl Preview. This year I am going to take on the added challenge of analyzing every game in chronological order thus providing you with everything you will need to sound intelligent in discussions at Christmas parties, sports bars and unemployment lines. Due to the fact that there are way more bowl games than necessary I will break this into several parts. Tonight: The games through December 29th also known as the “who the hell cares” games.

December 20:
EagleBank Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Navy: Navy is going to be favored in this one as the game is being played in Washington D.C. at RFK thus providing the Midshipmen the natural advantage of being a) near Annapolis, b) near the Pentagon, and c) close to water. It is one of the unwritten rules of college sports that no one ever discusses the fact that Wake Forest has the most disturbing nickname in all of sports. Going up against the Wake Forest Demon Deacons is equivalent to having to line up across from the Notre Dame Satanic Priests.

New Mexico Bowl: Colorado State vs. Fresno State: This is the only bowl game played in an artists’ commune with each player receiving their own Georgia O’Keefe print. It is also not a good sign when you can’t even afford a sponsor and thus name the game after the state it is held in. However, tune into the game if just for the halftime show featuring Weird Al Yankovic performing the full 11 minute and 22 second version of his song “Albuquerque”. Well, you got any jelly donuts? No! We don’t have any jelly donuts!

magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl: Memphis vs. South Florida. For the life of me, I have no clue what the hell magicJack is supposed to be. It could either be a car protection system, an online poker site, or a personal lubricant and I for one have no interest in finding out which is correct. I’m going to assume that South Florida is the home team here even though I have no idea where in Florida either South Florida or St. Petersburg is. I might have to watch this game for the educational value alone.

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Arizona: For the third straight year BYU is playing in a bowl game in Las Vegas and per my contract as an internet blogger I am required by law to make the following jokes: A) I recommend Cheetah’s for those BYU fans looking for wives four through seven, B) I have been informed that the pool at the Hard Rock Café has been converted into a kiddie pool and C) It will be very easy for Arizona fans to find each other in the casinos as, well, they will be the ones in the casino. Sigh. Three straight years of having to make the same jokes.

(However, for those of you who remember the show Big Love I just want to say that Chloe Sevigny is probably the most strangely attractive actress I have ever seen. You wouldn’t immediately think so but there is something about you that catches your eye.)

December 21:
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Troy: Half a state versus just one man. The biggest, baddest man on the planet. Troy doesn’t even warm up. He just shows up at kickoff and goes “bring it”. However, I’m going with Southern Miss on this one (even though it is the home of several Favres) due to the old pro wrestling rule that no one name wrestler ever becomes world champ. If you are named Warlord or Barbarian or Mantaur odds are you won’t be headlining Wrestlemania. That’s why certain wrestlers have to be renamed to Psycho Sid or The Man They Call Vader or Sting but Not the One from the Band, This One Wears Facepaint.

December 23:
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: I pity the announcing crew for this one as they will have to repeat that name over and over again. Also, how the hell did Boise State get screwed over so royally in the bowls this year? They went undefeated, handled every challenge that was thrown their way, and as a result are playing before Christmas. Sure, San Diego is an improvement over Boise but they really deserve to be playing in January. Hell, if there was a playoff I would want them in it. Also, I expect at least one call of “TCU takes it to the bank” during the game.

December 24:
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Notre Dame: Let me get this straight. The highlights of Notre Dame’s season consisted of a) not losing to Navy twice in a row and b) sucking less than Michigan. They lost at least three games that any Notre Dame team should have won and one of those was to one of the worst teams in the nation. As a result the football team and Charlie Weis get to leave lovely South Bend in December and spend some time in Hawaii. It is nice to see that Notre Dame Football has appropriated the motto of most members of the Notre Dame Law School. “What do you call the student who finishes last in his class at Notre Dame Law?” “Lawyer (or possibly John)”

You also have to feel sorry for the kids at Hawaii who work all year and get stuck staying home in Hawaii for the holidays as opposed to going to such lovely locales as Detroit or Shreveport. It just doesn’t seem fair that they have to stay in the hell on earth that is Honolulu in December.

December 26:
Motor City Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Central Michigan: There is a strong possibility that the footballs will be repossessed in the third quarter so getting out to a quick lead will be paramount in this one. Fans will also be asked to bring in donations in unmarked bills, preferably tens and twenties. Halftime entertainment will be a song and dance routine performed by several CEOs. As for the game it will be just like a classic Florida versus Michigan matchup just with flawed design, shoddy workmanship and an unnerving sense that the entire basis that the entire global economy is built upon is crumbling before our very eyes.

December 27:
Meineke Car Care Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina: As a kid it was my dream to play in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. This is one of those games where you wish that they would play one half as football and one half as basketball because it would make it a lot more interesting. Or, have the basketball coaches on the sidelines. I would love to see Bob Huggins prowling a football sideline or Roy Williams get creamed by a linebacker who missed a tackle and accidentally speared him instead. In fact, I say we petition to have this made a reality.

Champs Sports Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Florida State: Kind of strange seeing this matchup on anything other than New Year’s Day. I’m so used to seeing them in January that it doesn’t make sense to have them play any other time. While I find it difficult to cheer for Wisconsin under any circumstances the first girl I fell in love with left me for a guy who was a Florida State fan so I hate that school on general principles. Don’t ask me how that logic works, it just does.

Emerald Bowl: Miami (Fla.) vs. California: I’m not sure if this is sponsored by Emerald Nuts, the gem emerald or just the color green. California is representing the Pac-10 (Conference Motto: 9 fine academic institutions and Arizona State) while Miami is representing a work release program. Can’t say I have any problems with taking Miami in this one. Let’s say you take two people of equal talent and say “You can either go to Miami or you can go to Berkley.” Who would you want in a game that requires speed, power and the ability to mercilessly punish someone for no reason other than he is wearing a different shirt than you are?

December 28:
Independence Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Louisiana Tech: I so miss the days of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. To this day I long to have a lawn just so I could own a Poulan Weed Eater. It was the coolest bowl sponsorship ever. Louisiana Tech gets to travel to Shreveport, which means I think they have to go down the block or something. And yes, Northern Illinois is in a bowl game while Illinois is not. I’d rather not think about it. Well, at least we still have the Chief. What, they took that away as well? Is our basketball team still good? Please?

Papajohns.com Bowl: NC State vs. New Jersey State (Ooops, I mean Rutgers): Upon entering the stadium all fans will be given two small peppers and a container of sauce without asking for them upon which they will stare at them, wonder what they are for and then sheepishly toss away when no one is looking. However, if the game takes more than three hours they will get tickets to next year’s game at half price. I still find it hilarious that the sponsor is the website and not Papa Johns itself. Like they assume that it will be better publicity if they put a dot com at the end of it. I’d talk about the two teams but, really, does anyone care now that Ray Rice has left Rutgers?

December 29:
Valero Alamo Bowl: Missouri vs. Northwestern: Oh for crying out loud. Northwestern makes a bowl game and Illinois does not. For what I am paying those guys, I mean donating to the program, I expect more. My biggest fear is that Missouri will wear those bright yellow jerseys against the purple of Northwestern and my television set will explode. I think I’ll cheer for Missouri in this one just because I saw Son Volt play in Columbia once and that is more than I can say for the city of Evanston.

Demolition Derby Dreams

Note to Notre Dame: So if I did a crappy job as a student for four years would I also get a trip to Hawaii? Just curious because if that is true then I worked way too hard in business school.

Per the comment on my last post: No, I did not call her while I was in New Orleans. I was gone for a week and since we had talked just before I left I didn’t feel it was really necessary to talk. We weren’t at the talk every day point and besides, I was insanely busy with what I was doing, which in the year post-Katrina was a lot less of what I would typically do in Nola. I’ll never claim that I am faultless in the downfall of any relationship (hell, I’m probably the cause of most of them) but breaking up with a guy immediately after he spends a week doing volunteer work seemed especially cold hearted.

I’ll continue to post some dating stories and a few other similar pieces on the weekends. I like having a bit of a longer format and I take more time in the proofreading that way. While part of the reason why I’m posting them is because since I’ve moved I don’t expect much in terms of potential blowback there is another reason. While I used to put these in my writer’s journal (something that everyone else would call a diary) I now only really keep the blog. So I don’t have these written down anywhere and I would like them stored for posterity. Why, I don’t know. Maybe I just have a fetish for public embarrassment.

Anyway, so I’ve been having a bunch of nightmares recently. Ok, maybe not nightmares but at least rather stressful dreams. I tend not to have blue tentacle monsters trying to devour my soul in my dreams. However, I do have the dream where I have two papers to write and a massive test to prepare for in two days, which I have discussed a lot in the past. But more and more I have been having the following one.

I am driving a car that is barreling out of control and it is readily apparent that I have no idea as to how to drive. I either steer lazily, running into cars on the side of the road, or for some reason I find myself driving the car from the backseat so that while I can steer stopping is a bit of a challenge. Now I never crash in these dreams and find myself with the airbags deployed and my spleen now forcibly moved eight feet left of where it was previously located. In fact, from what I can tell no one gets hurt, my car continues to run, and I never have to face a police officer regarding the immense destruction that I am unleashing upon the land. I just whip about uncontrollably while I freak out about it.

Pretty clear what this one means. There are times when I feel that my life is completely out of my control. I’m in one of those moments right now. I guess passenger in a runaway car is a good description of it. There are a lot of things going on in my life and some of them I have no control over and the ones that I do have influence on for some reason I’m not even bothering to me. I’m just letting myself sit there and freak out about it. At least it is nice to know that my subconscious warns me about this. Then maybe I can figure out how to address it.

Best of 120 Minutes: The video that best depicts my life as a teenager. Or more accurately how I wish my life was as a teenager: hanging out at Sonic Youth shows and hooking up with a cute girl in a Nirvana t-shirt. Sigh. Why didn’t anyone just grab me by the back of the neck and force me to these shows when I was younger? Who let me spend all my time studying and listening to music in headphones? Well, that was me but seriously when I build my time machine (and that is when, not if) first thing I am going to do is go back in time to kick my own ass.

Sonic Youth MTV Music

Tales from the KC Dating Scene...

Now that I have left Kansas City in a cloud of dust (with a fifty cent lighter and a whisky buzz…) I feel that it is time to reveal some of my dating stories from my time in the Cowtown. I think there just might be enough distance between myself and the land of barbecue that it is now safe to tell the tales. Names have been changed to protect the slightly less guilty. Also, if these stories do not automatically get me cast in The Pick Up Artist 3 nothing will.

The first tale: The Dark Knight Returns

Like all good stories, this one begins in a bar which for me was Harry’s, easily the best bar outside of the Linebacker that I have ever found. What I loved about the place is that it was a bar plain and simple. No décor, no shot girls wandering around, no mechanical bull left over from the urban cowboy phase in the seventies, just a bar and some tables and some music on an iPod. It was the type of place where you could just head in, take a seat at the bar, and spend the entire night drinking, thinking and people watching. And that is precisely what I did most weekends for five straight years. When I told them I was moving they had to adjust their budget.

Well on this night I was in my usual seat at the corner of the bar, joking with Jim the Bartender (one of my New Orleans compatriots) and trying to understand just why Sprint had sent me to Seattle and back where my main accomplishment was a) not falling asleep during any of the meetings and b) getting really good seats to Cirque du Soleil. It had started off as a really standard night when these two girls walked in and sat next to me.

Now for the most part, I tend not to start conversations in bars. I’ll engage in them of course, it’s not like I just sit around and drink morosely in a corner, but I tend not to open sets. However, in this case the girls were talkative and were discussing area bars so I joined the conversation. I found out that the two girls were sisters and I found myself talking to…let’s call her Alison because I have a fun story about a girl named Alison from Australia that I should tell one of these days.

So I’m talking to Alison when several guys of the striped shirt and Abercrombie and Fitch wardrobe variety all begin a valiant attempt to pick up her sister. Valiant in the manner of being horrible and pathetic. Much of what I talk about with Alison is how bad these guys’ game is and how it is never going to work. This goes on for an hour where I mention that I a) just flew in from Seattle, b) was in the fourth row at Cirque and c) didn’t pay a dime for any of it all while Jim the Bartender is taking care of our drinks for me. Finally her sister discourages the guys enough to leave her alone as it is time for them to go and Alison asks me “I would really like to keep talking to you.” My reply…

“Here is my card. My cell phone number is on it. Give me a call if you want.”

Now there is still much debate as to whether or not that is a proper move on my part. I am very fond of it for a number of reasons. First, it dispels any of the potential stalker fears that a girl might have. I can’t call you so you’re in control at the moment and if you really do like me you will call. More importantly, it means that I will not have to endure the following scenario. The girl gives me her number. Two days later I call her and leave a message on her voice mail. Four days after that I call and leave her another message on her voice mail. A week later I leave one last half-court shot message on her voice mail with the hope that maybe, just maybe, she will acknowledge my existence, which of course she won’t so I’ll just spend three weeks moping around thinking about how big of a loser I am. At least if I give her my number I won’t have to go through the whole Swingers scenario.

So what happens next? Not surprisingly, a few days later she gives me a call. I say not surprisingly because we did hit it off really well and I wanted to talk to her some more but mainly because she mentioned that she was about to turn thirty and that immediately raised a red light over my head. In Kansas City if you are not married by the time you are twenty five you are viewed quizzically. To turn thirty and not be dating someone, well, that is just setting yourself up to be a social pariah. We talk some more, set up another meeting at Harry’s during the week, have another really fun conversation and decide to go out on Friday night for what would be considered a proper date.

Her suggestion as to what we should do on this proper date? Play miniature golf. Now I understand that this is a rather cliché thing to do on a date, especially a first date, but in my entire life I never went miniature golfing on a date. Not even when I was in high school and my options were rather limited. Given that I can now legally drink I’ve always assumed that the ability to imbibe in beverages in order to avoid awkward silences is recommended if not actually required. Instead we played at a rather downtrodden course, rescued a dog that had gotten loose on the street, ended up in a bar (thankfully) and finished the night in a vaguely romantic fashion.

(Look, I’ll explain a lot of things here but not everything. For some parts you will just have to use your imagination.)

I was feeling pretty good about myself as to how all of this was progressing. Remember I met her by pointing out how all the guys were doing a horrible job hitting on her sister and by not hitting on her I had ended up dating her. Now we were talking regularly and we had plans to meet up right before her birthday so I could take her out to dinner and celebrate. Which we did and had another good night. So she turned thirty and had a guy like myself with all that entails if not wrapped around her finger at least highly interested.

However, I knew we were going to have to spend a little time apart as right after her birthday I was heading down to New Orleans to do some volunteer work. This was a huge event for me. My love for New Orleans is pretty well known and this was my chance to help after Katrina. I joked with myself that just wait I’ll come back and everything will have changed. But come on, you’re dating a guy who is using his vacation time to rehab homes of complete strangers. How rare of a find is that?

My time in New Orleans was life changing I came back full of stories to tell. I call Alison, get her voice mail, and leave a message. A few days later I leave another message. And then a week later I leave another one. Finally, she calls me, tells me that she has been incredibly busy and we talk for a while and set up a theoretical meeting some point in the future. A week later we randomly meet at the bar, talk for a bit, we do one of those vague friendly hugs, she heads out to the patio to be with her friend, and I contemplate following her out later but decide discretion is the better part of valor and decide to not hover about her.

A month or so passes. I leave a few messages on her voice mail but never hear anything back. I’m not calling every day or anything. Maybe every two weeks. She had said nothing to me other than she was really busy and that she really enjoyed spending time with me. But let’s face it, even I could tell that this one was kaput. However, in a million years I never would have expected the following to happen.

I had taken a Friday off from work just so I could have a long weekend. As a result, I headed over to Harry’s on a Thursday night. When I walked into the bar I was immediately met by someone who looked much like a member of the Insane Clown Posse. That person was flanked by a fat guy in a suit and someone in a Robin costume. It took a little while but when the guy in the Batman costume turned around I figured out that for some reason there were a group of people in Harry’s dressed like the cast of Batman (including Joker and Penguin). I walk past the comic book characters, say hi to Jeremy the Bartender, and as I am about to sit down in my regular corner stool I realize that sitting at a table is Alison joking with a bunch of her friends. They are the only other people in the bar.

I went through the following thought process as Jeremy put my Boulevard Wheat in front of me.

“Shit”
“Ok, so I have the cast of Batman to my left and the girl who won’t return my calls to my right. What should I do?”
“I can’t leave the bar. Jeremy knows me and if I leave after one beer, especially when I’ve told him that I’m not working tomorrow, he’ll know something is wrong.”
“I can’t stay where I’m sitting right now because this is just the freakiest thing in the world. I mean, is that guy actually dressed as Mr. Freeze?”
“I can’t go over to her table and say hi because there is not a single sentence that I could say in that situation that would not lead to something really bad happening.”
“The patio bar should be open. Jamie will be working and she always knows what to do.”

So I down my beer quickly, tell Jeremy that I’m heading outside and flee. Jamie is working and when I tell her about the cast of Batman she just looks me dead in the eye and goes “I don’t serve superheroes.” While I’m sitting there we are randomly joined by one of my favorite people on the planet in Heather the Bartender who had moved to Chicago earlier in the year and was just in town for the weekend. I had a mad crush on Heather and she served me more free drinks than anyone else in Kansas City. As I told her once, I wasn’t sure if she loved me or if she wanted to kill me. Heather and I spend the next few hours talking and when I finally leave I glance through the window on the way out and still see Alison sitting at the table. And I hoped, or maybe wished, that she had stepped outside to talk to me only to see me embracing a beautiful redhead.

You can guess the ending of the story from here. I left one last message for Alison, which I ended with “give me a call or if not, have fun.” I never heard from or saw her again. It still bothers me that it ended with, well, nothing. She just stopped talking to me. Treated me like I didn’t exist. I felt I deserved a little more than that. At least if she called me an asshole I would know that I had done something wrong. So that was that. Except…

A few weeks after the whole Batman night was my birthday. A few days later I came back to my apartment to find sitting in front of my apartment door a small Styrofoam food container housing a piece of pound cake with whipped cream as well as a bag of trail mix and candy wrapped with a nice ribbon. No note, no card, no explanation whatsoever. It was just sitting there right in front of my door. In five years of living in that apartment in Kansas City it is without a doubt the strangest thing that I ever came across.

To this day I have no idea who it was from. Maybe it was meant as a welcome gift from a new neighbor. But in my gut I really like to think that it was Alison. She was one of the few people who actually knew where I lived, when my birthday was, and who would have a reason to do such a thing. Maybe it was her way to try to have the whole situation end on a happier note. Even if it wasn’t her I’ll think of it that way. I’d rather have it be a meaningful attempt at reconnection than a random stranger leaving food at my doorstep.

Pauly Shore could not be reached for comment

Before I begin tonight I humbly request that we all join hands in a moment of silence for the latest victim of our economic downturn. I just received news that due to the layoffs at Viacom that John Norris has been let go at MTV. Yes, that John Norris. The guy who originally became a VJ in 1992. Yeah, I can’t believe he still had a job either. Given that they stopped playing music videos in about 1998 I’m not quite sure what his job has actually been. I assume it is making sure that Kurt Loder is safely entombed in his cryogenic chamber. Still, I guess this means we can officially close the era of Alternative Nation.

(Well, at least I can still find Serena Altchul on Sunday morning television. Though I miss Tabitha Soren. All news sounds more hopeful when read by Tabitha Soren.)

Oh, and the Grammy nominations were released today and…is there any award less meaningless than a Grammy? I don’t know anyone whose life dream is to win a Grammy. Christopher Cross has four of them; it’s not as though it is difficult to win them. Mainly my argument with the Grammies is that trying to judge one three minute pop song as being superior to another three minute pop song (amongst a million other three minute pop songs) is a completely frivolous task. There just is no way to create any meaningful definition of good or better so it just turns into a beauty contest. This is before we even get into the concept of comparing Coldplay and Lil Wayne on any sort of level playing field.

True, you could make this definition about any art form but it seems more endemic to music. While you still have genre issues in the Oscars (comedies never win anything unless they are indie films with a humerous bent) I at least find it easier to accept the judging of a few hundred movies with two hours of material to take into account. It still isn’t perfect but at least you can look at the nominees and feel decent that these are amongst the best films of the year. But with the Grammies you know that isn’t the case. Are the Jonas Brothers really one of the five Best New Artists? On the Disney Channel yes but in the real world that is nowhere near the case. So it makes the entire spectacle rather laughable.

Not much else to add tonight. Sorry, had to work really late tonight and I have spent much of the past hour staring at the blank screen trying to find something to discuss. Basically my mind is fried at the moment and all I want to do is sleep for a few hours before I have to make my way back to the office. I’ll try to write something for the messy room over the weekend. Specifically, in honor of The Pick Up Artist I will write one of my favorite Kansas City dating stories. The Dark Knight Returns. It is a great one, trust me.

Do or Do Not. There is no Try

We have come to this, my friends: the finale of the second season of The Pick Up Artist. No longer will we have a chance to watch nerds get rejected as they try to attract women out of their league. Soon Mystery will take his magical hat and goggles and disappear only to promise to come back again some day like a Cassanova Snowman. Tara will return to being a waitress or bartender or whatever she does in her real life. And sadly, no longer will we be granted words of wisdom from my idol, Matador. That is, until I pay the three grand for the weekend training session in the hotel conference room as pictured above. Yes, that is a real course and a real price. The wonders of supply and demand.

Episode 8: I’ll take two fours and a two instead

When last we left our young Jedi they were faced with the important task of taking on a padwan of their own. Simeon taught his the ways of the Force and the importance of lip piercing and advanced one step close to a seat on the Jedi Council. Meanwhile, Matt was challenged to bring his nerf herder to a higher level and after much consultation with Qui-Jon has grown beyond the rank of Youngling. Greg had to challenge the Rancor and failed thus showing that no one from Utah, even if he had been trained by Master Yoda, will ever be a Pick Up Artist. Who will take the seat next to the Conehead Jedi? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? Let’s find out.

We start with Matt and Simeon calmly talking about their last challenge and facing each other for the top prize. This is the only reality show in which there is no drama between the contestants. I guess that is what happens when you put a bunch of guys with low self-esteem together. You’re not going to get many arguments.

For our first challenge we are going to test precision and speed, which sounds more apt for a Quickfire on Top Chef than this show. The goal will be to go out into the field and kiss a girl in the shortest amount of time possible. Mystery at least tempers that command by saying “using the proper techniques”, which is good and probably will result in slightly lower lawyer fees for this season. And we can all be happy that the challenge is not to see who could cop a feel first at least in terms of feeling proud of the human species.

They enter the club and we get a running clock as well. Both use their standard Dirty Dancing and Ocean’s Eleven openers that sound as dumb now as they did two months ago. Simeon isolates a blonde while Matt gains a two set and they all sit down right next to each other. Well, guess this makes it easier for the cameramen. Matt has his main target stolen from him and we all get to watch him shake his head in disgust and then go, “Oh well, guess I’ll go for the other one instead.” They both kiss close in under sixteen minutes, thus giving all of us a standard to measure ourselves against every night at the bar. I’ll be sure to use my cell phone as a stop watch to be sure. Simeon wins for crossing the line first.

We are then introduced to the idea behind the final challenge. Matador has invited a number of Perfect 10’s over to the house and it is up to our contestants to seduce them and bring them back to their bedrooms. And show them their comic book collection, or maybe their etchings. Since Simeon wins he gets the Master Bedroom while Matt gets his parents’ basement (actually he just gets the smaller room though that would be awesome). They even get to go furniture shopping to flesh out their bachelor pads even though I think I’ve done a better job than either of them have.

And now we are at the final field test so for one last time, let’s bring on the skanks!

(Before I get hate mail, let’s look at the facts. These are all friends of Mystery, who is known to have a television show. They are arriving at a house that clearly has a full camera crew assembled. They know what the deal is. This is not like meeting girls in a coffee shop in Austin like in the first season.)

We get various scenes of the guys talking to women and both opening up a two set and bringing them back to their respective bedrooms. Simeon almost puts one’s eye out (with a champagne cork, get your mind out of the gutter) while Matt has the two girls sit on his bed while he stands up and gives a lecture in his suit and tie. Seriously Matt, even I don’t do that. Simeon is also shot down as his twosome are a lot less skanky than I previously supposed. So, like all good pick up artists he dumps them and ignores them for the rest of the night as he picks up a buxom blonde, brings her up to his room and starts macking on her. Matt replies in kind by isolating one of his original girls, bringing her to the bedroom, and getting his groove on.

This brings us to the final ceremony. My vote (as I have the show on pause at the moment) is for Simeon to win. Matt has everything I would think women would want in a guy. Good looking, smart, nice, all of which I have learned makes you a horrible pick up artist. Simeon, on the other hand, has the piercings, cowboy hat and manic energy that would make him fit right in along side Mystery and Kosmo. Matador would kick his ass though.

After much deliberation, and a few last speeches, Mystery agrees and names Simeon as The Pick Up Artist. He wins fifty grand, the final medallion and the chance to carry Mystery’s bags around the country for the next year. I’ll have to say Simeon made a hell of a lot of progress. He went from being a hyper rooster who I thought was on drugs to being someone who, while still a little high energy, definitely has a sense of style and purpose about him.

A fun season as always but as the boom shot during the closing shows, a little too fake this time around. There was no coffee shop challenge (which was inspiring), no picking up a woman on a bridge (a restraining order waiting to happen) and no picking up a stripper (still one of the most memorable pieces of television ever). While we did have a grocery store challenge I have a sinking feeling that was done on a stage as I have never seen a grocery store with a hand written sign reading “vegetables” on the wall. As for the entire concept of being a Pick Up Artist I guess it all is a matter of degrees. The ideas are sound: be confident, take an interest in others, and have fun. I still dislike the made up stories and conquest aspect of the whole endeavor but like I said, it is all a matter of degrees. I’ve learned things so who knows, maybe I’ll be wearing the top hat soon enough.

Wednesday Night Music Club: For those of you who have been following me on Facebook you have probably noticed that I have been in a dark mood as of late. Lots of reasons behind it, most of which I don’t feel like getting into here. But I will share what I listen to in order to sense a bit more of the wonder in the world. I think every alarm clock should be replaced by Polyphonic Spree songs. Mornings would be much happier places.

The Polyphonic Spree MTV Music

Home is where you find it

Well I am back home again, home being another word for “where my stuff, and more importantly Natalie the Laptop, is.” I can’t say that I have become accustomed to having Delaware be my home quite yet. I haven’t even felt quite at home in my new apartment. I blame the hardwood floors. While they are really sweet and make the place look great it doesn’t have that homey feel of having fluffy carpet underneath your bare feet. Instead I feel like I’m on a gym floor with the coach getting ready to yell at me for wearing the wrong shoes.

It has been a fun few days as I have flown from Philly to Chicago on Wednesday (easiest flight with empty seats), back to Philly on Saturday (full plane but still on time), then off to Indianapolis on Sunday (full plane, several hours delayed, no beverage service and the unnerving realization that one is willingly going to Indiana) and then finally back to Philly today. It is not a surprise that given all of this travelling and the fact that I hung around with my eight nieces and nephews that I am now dealing with a seriously nasty head cold. This happens after every Thanksgiving. I should just immediately write off the next week because I know that I will have a cold. Too many people on planes with no fresh air.

Switching gears, since I was stuck in a hotel this morning I ended up watching the morning news. Apparently Brittney Spears’ birthday is an official news event as it was covered on every channel I turned to. I know that she has a new album and all, and that there is always a measurable probability that she will spontaneously combust, but I’m really at a loss as to how this counts as news. Sure, she performed in a circus tent in New York (no word on whether she was a) shot from a cannon, b) performed on a trapeze, or c) had to do that bit with the spinning plates that they always gave the least talented person on Circus of the Stars) but I really don’t think we need to cover it. There is a slight chance that if we stopped paying attention she would go away.

(Plus, unless My Beloved Lindsay gets equal time I must protest on general principle.)

Changing gears once again: Did they turn the lights on again in Kansas City? Just want to make sure that was done in my absence. Actually, in my five years in Kansas City I never saw the Plaza lighting or went to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. The first was because I always went home for Thanksgiving and the latter was because, well, I lived closer to bars than the parade route so I never quite made it there.

This brings me back to the start of the post. How long it takes me to feel at home. As much as I knew from the start that Kansas City was just a stopping point it did turn into home for me near the end. I do find myself missing things, or at least the convenience the town had. I certainly miss the bars, which really matched my style, and the music scene. I fit in pretty well there. It wasn’t a perfect fit but maybe I give it a little too much grief than I should.

Best of 120 Minutes: Since I didn’t post on Sunday I thought that I would make it up here. Consider it more of your Alternative Nation moment for the day. In honor of the election cycle here is everyone’s favorite socialist Billy Bragg. Watch for the cameos by Michael Stipe and Peter Buck of R.E.M. and, if I remember correctly, the house is Bill Berry’s. So this is really an R.E.M. video without the guy with the glasses.

Billy Bragg MTV Music

Helping your self

Sorry for the missed post last night. Let's just say that travelling for business tied with the end of a holiday travel weekend tied with some really nasty weather resulted in a much later night than I had previously expected. Also, this will result in a delay in my coverage of The Pick Up Artist Season 2 Finale. I know that this will be very disappointing to many of you. But look, if your goal is to meet the love of your life by picking up some drunk floozy at a bar I'm pretty sure that waiting one more day will not result in too much struggle.

(However, I love the fact at how upset people can get when flights are delayed. As if by getting upset they will have any impact on getting to their destination faster. Whereas in a car you can yell at someome for dawdling over the magazine rack for a few minutes too long when you are at the airport there is nothing for you to do other than sit there and wait. So do just that, saves a lot of hassle.)

(Oh and Notre Dame played football this weekend? I didn't notice.)

Given my time spent at airports I did have a chance to read a few books. The one I want to discuss is The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. You have heard of this one, it is based on the famous lecture given by a Carnegie Mellon computer science professor who was dying of cancer and how even though he was facing a terminal illness he could still be happy knowing that he had achieved all of his childhood dreams.

It took me a few months to pick up this book. Partly because one of the first times I went to pick it up a friend of mine asked me: "Why would you ever want to listen to someone else tell you how to live your life?" In some ways it is a valid point. It does say something about our society in that bookstores have aisle after aisle of self-help books and instruction manuals as we all hope to find that bullet point list that we can follow in order to finally be happy. The thing is that doesn't exist and it never will. Life is just never that simple.

But even with that said one can still find much value in listening to another person's ideas on the subject. This book doesn't really cover anything that you don't already know (stay positive, work hard, always be open to new opportunities) but sometimes you need to hear things in a different format for them to make sense. The Last Lecture didn't cause me to slap my hand across my forehead and go "so that is what I've been doing wrong all of these years" but it did help shed some light on what is my biggest issue.

Which is that at times I wonder if my life is stuck in a meaningless cycle. Get up, go to work, eat, watch tv, go to sleep, repeat as necessary. I've been trying to think about past conversations and past events recently and they all seem to get muddled up with all of this meaningless plablum that fills up my life. While it is nice to make a living on knowing trivia at the end of the day it is not what you want to have to show for your entire life. And maybe that is what I am taking from reading this book. Try to really embrace the wonder and opportunity of every day of your life. I really wish that I can figure out a way to make this happen.