Dauber: Bigger than Lennon, Elvis and Justin Timberlake Put Together

Here is your latest sign that the music industry is screwed up beyond all belief. On VH1 Classic right now they are broadcasting three straight hours of old episodes of Coach. A channel that by definition has fifty years of history to draw from, Beatles on Ed Sullivan to Rolling Stones at Altamont to Live Aid to really crappy boy bands to even crappier boy bands to my God, what the hell is a Bieber and why do I care, has decided that its best broadcasting choice is to go completely off brand and just show old episodes of Coach.

Now I do not want to use this space to disparage the classic television sitcom of Coach. Far be it from me to question the enviable talents of Craig T. Nelson or the comedy stylings of the next to funniest member of the Van Dyke family. Clearly the story and history of the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles is more interesting than my own Fighting Illini and I’m pretty sure that we lost to Minnesota State the past five years straight. And anyone who says that Dauber isn’t one of the greatest television characters and assistant coaches of all time is a fool. So no, I am not going to spend my time questioning the merits of Coach or the forgettable years spent coaching the Orlando Breakers (a dark time in our nation’s history to be sure.)

No, what bothers me is that this is on VH-1 Classic when the show has absolutely nothing to do with music altogether. If you are going to just give up and show old television shows why not pick up Happy Days or The Wonder Years, where the music in the background plays a significant role in the series. Hell, why not show WKRP in Cincinnati, which fits the channel perfectly and fills a niche because those shows can’t be released on DVD due to all of the music rights. I’ll take a Haden Fox for Johnny Fever trade straight up and once we bring Bailey into the equation it is a no brainer. I can think of a dozen sitcoms more fitting to the channel than Coach.

Obviously the easy solution to this problem would be to simply play something associated with music. Even if you say that the video is passé you still have untold hours of documentaries and concerts and specials and, because this is VH-1, “I Love the Insert Vague Pop Culture Reference Here” marathons. Hell, I’ll even accept reruns of old VH-1 reality shows. I’ll watch reruns of Flavor of Love or Celebrity Rehab or The Pick Up Artist (which totally deserved a third season by the way). It just seems like this is the laziest programming decision ever.

I know that we are at the end of the lifespan of such concepts as television channels. Soon we will all get whatever content we want online and we will mix and match to create our own channels. Right now I could build my own music video playlist and spend the next few hours in relative bliss. But the wonder of television is that it can surprise you by showing you something that you didn’t know about in a way that recommendation boxes can’t. You can always ignore a recommendation and to be honest, we are so inundated with information that it is just easier to put on blinders. But it is those random moments when you are changing channels or walking the aisle of a bookstore or flipping through CD racks that you stumble on something that changes your life. It kills me that we are losing that part of our culture.

Wednesday Night Music Club: If there was an album from last year that surprised me it was the latest from Richard Buckner. I’ve followed him for more than fifteen years and while I’ve always been a fan and I will be the first to say that his live performances have left me slackjawed in wonder I haven’t been as taken with his recent work. But Surrounded is just an amazing collection of songs. This video of him singing in an art gallery just shows why I’ve spent nearly two decades collecting his music. Just stunning.

Fumbling a vow

Let’s add Tiki Barber to the list of celebrities who cheated on their spouses. In Tiki’s case he has left his wife, who just happens to be eight months pregnant with twins, to hook up with a 23 year old intern. It is one thing to cheat on your wife, it is another to ruin your marriage with an affair but cheating on your pregnant wife and leaving her might be the coldest thing imaginable. Oh, and he already had two kids with her. As he said in his memoir, “My family means everything to me.” Apparently the unborn kids don’t count in that equation.

I mean, he was even on Project Runway with his wife. How can you cheat on someone if you willingly appear on Project Runway? You have been told on several occasions to make it work. Heidi Klum is going to be so pissed.

Here is my thing. I can understand theoretically why guys cheat. I could even discuss how from an evolutionary standpoint there is a logical basis for such behavior. The thing is I can’t for the life of me figure out how any guy would actually do it. All I know is from my perspective if I cheated it would absolutely kill me. Kim would kill me as well but that would be nothing compared to what I would do to myself.

I may have told this story before but I’ll tell it again because it really shows my viewpoint. A few weeks ago I had a dream in which I was an ESPN news personality. I have no idea why nor do I have a reason why my co-anchor, who seemed to be a weird combination of Hannah Storm and Bonnie Bernstein, kissed me. I do know that in the dream my first reaction was going “No, no” and then freaking out because I was going to have to explain this to Kim and my life would be ruined by this crazy woman who kissed me.

Then I woke up and went, “What a nightmare.” I felt absolutely horrible. I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night. I now have an aversion to watching Sports Center. Just writing about this bothers me. And I feel all of this over events that did not actually happen with someone who doesn’t exist. Despite the fact that nothing was real and I had no control over it I still felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

Now if that is how I feel over an imaginary event how the hell can someone cheat on their wife and feel like they can get away scot free? For me it is just inconceivable. You wouldn’t be able to pull me off the floor if I did something like that. I know that all relationships are different and that temptations make their way in but once you declare that you are partners for life I don’t know how you can cheat and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. I don’t know how one can have that much denial about who they truly are. That is what bothers me about all of these stories about celebrity affairs. I don’t know how they do it and expect to suffer no consequences much less feel remorse.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I don’t miss Kansas City too badly. I miss being part of the Badgers, the most dominant trivia team in history. I miss the crowds at trivia, probably the smartest and coolest people you could ever meet in that town. I miss Boulevard Wheat beer. And I miss Davey’s Uptown. Here is one of my absolute favorite performers, Richard Buckner, onstage at Davey’s last year. In another universe I stay in KC and am standing next to the guy holding the camera. I’ll take this universe even if I miss the music.