I once doubted myself just to see what it feels like

I have a new idol. Who the hell wouldn’t want to punch a magician?

I’ll start with the Air France disappearance, which immediately made everyone in my office think it was a new promotion for the DVD box set of Lost. For all we know, maybe the smoke monster really did bring the plane down. I will say this though as a veteran of a number of trans-Atlantic flights. I’ve always had a hard time sleeping on planes so I was happy when American Airlines started allowing you to call up a little inflight graphic of where you actually were and how fast the plane was going. For someone who is as data obsessed as I am this proved to be a very useful feature. However, you do find yourself looking at a map that features Goldfarb, Greenland and wondering why it was chosen to be highlighted. Then you realize, “Oh, that is probably the one airport that we can try to reach if something goes wrong.” That and those moments when the entire map is water makes it even tougher for me to fall asleep. I just feel better when I am over land.

Also, apparently something happened at the MTV movie awards last night. That is very much a tree falling in the forest with no one around type of moment. I know part of it has to do with my age as I am so far out of MTV’s target audience but even so is it really a part of the cultural framework anymore? It has nothing to do with music or with movies and when was the last time there was a decent Rock N Jock game? Nickelodeon and Disney have a much bigger pull on popular culture than MTV at the moment and that is rather disturbing.

Staying in the news, as the proud owner of General Motors (hey, if it is my tax dollars at work I’m going to put it on my resume) I have to say that I am looking forward to the day where my push for tail fins and bigger cupholders produces greater profits than the world has ever seen. Actually, as someone who has only owned GM cars I have to say that I am saddened by all that has gone on. I’m one of the few people who actually likes Pontiacs and have had mine last a rather surprisingly long time without requiring any significant maintenance. (Well, other than the security system failing and believing that I was trying to steal my own car. Twice.) They really are good cars and a pretty sizable portion of our economy so it is a bummer to see them fail. I do think that we have touched bottom with the recession though we still will be in it until the end of the year. I’m just expecting it to be a long slog back to where we were before and there will be a lot of pain along the way.

Anyway, I’m off to grow a beard.

But who does Van Damme support?

I haven’t given an update on the status of Cobra Kai, the awesomest fantasy football team in the land recently and since we are at the midway point of the regular season I thought that now would be as good a time as any. After an auspicious 0-3 start, thanks to Lee Evans being just abysmal as a receiver and my inability to start the right quarterback, I have turned the season around with four straight wins. Barring David Garrard throwing something like 10 touchdowns in the second half I’ll be tied for first place in my division after this week.

However, I have to say that being on my team is apparently a curse. I have now lost my third running back to a season ending injury. Cadillac Williams, Michael Pittman and Ronnie Brown have all been carted off the field on my watch and I wouldn’t be surprised if Joseph Addai spontaneously combusts tonight. Right now my number two back is Kenny Watson from the Bengals and that is just sad. I’ll probably have to trade one of my three headed QB monster of Favre, Hasselbeck and Anderson in order to get someone who will at least be worth starting. Until then, I might be pinning my hopes on Wes Welker for the rest of the season.

There were also two news headlines that I saw today that I need to discuss. The first is that Kid Rock was arrested in a brawl outside of a Waffle House. It wasn’t the arrest or who was involved that was important, it is the location. What in the world can take place at a Waffle House that would cause a fight to occur? Was there a dispute over maple syrup? Did someone order Canadian bacon and was charged with being un-american? There’s a lot of things that you could do to increase your street cred but fighting in a Waffle House is not one of them. I guess it beats a Denny’s, though.

(I did actually have breakfast at Denny’s on one of my last business trips. I’m embarrassed to say that it was a really good breakfast. I’m not even talking in my usual post-modern ironic sense of the word, I mean it was actually good food on a jet lagged morning.)

The other headline was that Chuck Norris had announced who he is supporting for president. This was a front page headline on CNN today. Maybe it’s a good thing that the ice caps are melting and we’re pretty much just going to call it a day for this planet. I’m not sure if I can deal with being in a country where Chuck Norris’ political views are reported in one of the most popular news sources. Seriously, I dig the internet memes surrounding Chuck but it’s a joke. Why in the world would we want to show the world that some people view this seriously?

Not that I don’t want levity in the world but come on, how in the world is this a news story? Of all the things going on that can get coverage, from Iraq to Myanmar to the environment to whatever, this gets front page space. Maybe the Paris and Britney culture has gone too far. Everything needs a celebrity angle now, even if it means absolutely nothing. It’s at times like this that I wonder why I try to write fiction. I try to hold up a mirror to the world and I need to ransack a fun house just to find something to make it all look normal.