Starting the Year with a Bang

Sincerity Failure #1 (of many, many more…)

TV Announcer: “Honda will donate to the city of the winning team a fully customized Honda Accord Minivan for use by the Ronald McDonald House to transport children and their families to and from the hospital.”

Me: “Sick children in the losing city will have to walk…crap, I mean isn’t it nice that Honda is donating an extremely beneficial gift to a worthwhile charity.”

Kim: “Wow, couldn’t even last a day with your resolution.”

I have to admit that ridding me of the habit of making snide remarks to the television is going to be brutal. Especially given the fact that Kim and I relax by watching Investigation Discovery and its unending series of shows like “Deadly Women”, “Wives with Knives” and “Dates from Hell.” I don’t know if it is possible to watch those shows with any sense of sincerity. Though my personal favorite will always be “Lt. Joe Kenda: Homicide Hunter”, where former homicide detective Joe Kenda reviews some of his most memorable cases. The cases themselves are rather forgettable, the fact that it honestly looks like Joe Kenda was dragged out of a bar to the television studio, has the grizzled look of someone who has had to investigate over four hundred murders and who, in every recreation scene, is always shown smoking a cigarette makes the entire enterprise unforgettable.

One or two thoughts on New Year’s Day this time around. First, it is kind of funny that I fell asleep before midnight though I woke up in time to watch the clock flip over. I have to admit that I was never a big one for going out on New Year’s Eve. It is amateur night at the bars and I always considered myself to be a seasoned veteran. Plus that moment at midnight when everyone grabs their date and makes out is really, really depressing when you are alone. In KC I usually made my way to whatever bar Rex Hobart and the Misery Boys were playing at that year and celebrated the end of the year by drinking cheap beer with my alt country brethren. Now I actually have someone to kiss at midnight and we are too tired to go out. Just one of those strange ways that life changes.

The bigger problem I have to deal with is the shooting off of fireworks at midnight. I’ve never understood the appeal of fireworks. I think in my entire life I may have held a sparkler once but that is all the experience that I have. Now it appears that in addition to the Fourth of July it is now tradition to spend a good hour after midnight shooting off everything you have and annoying the entire neighborhood. This is made worse by the fact that I live in Florida and the idea of something being illegal down here might exist in theory but definitely not in practice. Thus I had to spend the New Year trying to calm two dogs who wanted to know where the explosions were coming from when all I wanted to do was sleep. Not the best way to start off the year.

Wednesday Night Music Club: For some reason this song bounced into my head a few weeks ago and I must have watched the video a dozen times since then. Thought I would share the early 90’s punk rock joy.

Ringing out the year

It is time to call it a year. For most people this year seems to have been a lost year or at least one of disappointments. It was a year of celebrity deaths (we'll never forget you Billy Mays) and celebrity infidelities (Tiger we hardly knew ye) and overall bad news (double digit unemployment, bad weather, Notre Dame underachieving, et al.) At least Susan Boyle had a good year if becoming famous for looking like someone who should not be famous is the criteria for a good year.

Typically my end of the year post is one of sarcasm and cynicism and at least a little bit of darkness. I never go out on New Year's Eve because it is amateur night and I am now a grizzled professional who is hanging on for one last season in the bigs just so he can claim a pension. That was my typical reason but it was never the real one. I never went out on New Year's because I was alone and there is no worse feeling in the world than to be the only single guy in a room full of happy couples. No number of shots in the world can make that feeling go away. That is why last year I ended up writing this post late at night in my apartment, wearing sweatpants and drinking a beer, and wondering if Chagall and the Frames could make my life worthwhile. How little did I know.

I didn't expect this year to turn out the way it did. I don't even think that if you asked me how this year would turn out I would never had described it in all its glory. This has truly been the most amazing year of my life. Kim and I fell in love, travelled the world and got engaged. She is everything I have ever dreamed of and I feel lucky every day I am with her. I am finally working in a field that I enjoy and where I think I can have a huge impact. Everyone in my family seems to be happy and though I lost my grandmother this year and miss her dearly I know that if there is anyone in this world or the next who is so happy at how my life has turned out it is her. I will never say that this year has been easy but it has been amazing.

So for once I am looking forward to the new year. As always there will be challenges to be met and disappointments to be had because that is just a feature of life. Nothing ever goes quite as well as you would like. But for the first time in, well, ever, I feel that I have everything in place. Now the real fun can begin.

I started the year with this song and I will end it with the same. The Swell Season bookends a wonderful year.

Calling it a year...

It is time to close the book on 2008. I’ve picked up my 2009 calendars: a Chagall wall calendar for my home office, a Get Fuzzy desk calendar for my work office and a Snoopy Day Planner for my briefcase. The last is proof that I will either a) never be an executive or b) never get married or c) possibly both. And there is much of the typical review of 2008 that I plan on doing. I’ll discuss the books I read over the year next week as well as the concerts I saw and the highlights of my five years of concert going in Kansas City. I’ll even post all of my resolutions tomorrow. But tonight I don’t wish to focus on any of that. I just want to try to piece together what this year has actually meant to me.

I don’t think that I have ever had a year quite like this one. 2001 and 2003 were both years of upheavals and changes but neither of them matched the range of emotions that I felt this year. There were moments this year that rank amongst the highlights of my entire life. I also suffered through some times that left me shaken, befuddled and in tears. I feel as though I have gone through the ringer this year and I have come out more confused than anything.

Maybe I should have taken it as a sign when the year began with a trip to the emergency room followed by time spent with a cardiologist. Looking at a monitor and thinking “That is my heart. All that I am is powered by that pulsating mass. That is all that I am” leaves you wondering just what are you doing with yourself. I am lucky in that despite all the tests I am still considered to be in good health and I truly want to keep it that way. Life is much too precious.

I was offered the opportunity to leave a job that I had grown tired of and I jumped at the chance. Even I was surprised by the ease in which I made my decision. I left a steady, well paying, if not entirely exciting position for a completely uncertain future. I didn’t even have a finalized resume or a clear idea as to what type of work I wanted to do. I just knew that I needed a change and that when someone offers to pay you for four months if you would just stop showing up in you say yes. And in all honesty it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

Because it provided me with a much needed sabbatical from all of the pressures that I place onto myself. For once my focus was not on others or a faceless corporation but it was on making my life what I wanted it to be. I spent more time writing, making progress on my novel but failing to complete it. I spent time being me; just letting my schedule be whatever I wanted it to be. And I spent a lot of time being with people and just enjoying life. You wouldn’t believe how much of a change that was at times.

But at some point I needed to find work so I entered the job search just before the recession took its toll. In a case of wonderful timing and networking I was able to find a job with a former employer doing precisely what I wanted to do. I now have a job that pushes me to my limit and I can see several fulfilling career paths to me. It might be strange to be celebrating the fact that I now use the word megawatts on a regular basis but the energy business is something I enjoy. Entering a new company is different and confusing and sometimes scary but it was something that I had to do.

It also meant that I had to pack everything I owned and travel to a place where I knew absolutely no one and start a brand new life. I may have joked about KC (ok, I always made fun of the place) but I had met some incredible people there who cared about me for who I am, which is my measure of being a true friend. Leaving them behind was one of the toughest things that I have ever done. I’m now in Delaware and four months later I still know absolutely no one and am spending New Year’s Eve at my laptop, wearing sweats while the rest of the world is in formal wear, trying to figure out where I am in the world.

I lost friends at tragically young ages this year. I saw how quickly a constant in your life can just disappear. I’ve been forced to face the fact that this world can be completely senseless and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Sometimes no matter how smart you are, no matter what you earn or how good of a person you are you will lose some people that you love. It is a lesson I knew I would learn but wished I could stay blissfully ignorant for just a little longer.

I’ve had friends reappear from the past. People I never thought I would talk to again suddenly showed up and asked “So what have you been doing this past decade?” I’ve discovered that my blog has a truly worldwide readership and it amazes me. I’ve seen political history and had chills go up my spine as it happened. I even got to host trivia games. But maybe there is one story that will signify this year. One that I’ve never really discussed here before.

Earlier this year I met someone who is simply one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. If you ask me what I look for in someone I could point to her and go “pretty much everything she is”. We went out and instead of the tragically comic misadventures that I usually have everything clicked. Neither of us could believe it, neither of us expected it but it felt totally right. Soon I found myself walking through an art museum hand in hand with her, making jokes about artists and how only a Kansas City museum would have so many paintings of cows and just feeling that this was what I had been looking for. If I have ever had a perfect moment it occurred that afternoon at Nelson-Atkins.

It dawned on me while I was Christmas shopping that if things had gone differently I might have ended the year by buying something very sparkly. Maybe in some parallel universe I did. In that universe I am still in KC and almost certainly unemployed but I wonder if I am better off all the same.

Because a perfect moment is just that: a moment. Then life comes back into play and reality seeps in and suddenly you find that a relationship is ending and you aren’t quite sure why. I know that it wasn’t meant to be and I’ve moved on but I still look back and wonder. It just seems to sum up this year perfectly. I occasionally have my dream in my hand but then it disappears. I look to 2009 and I know that, yes, I can find someone that is perfect for me. But then my self-doubt creeps in and I ask “but will I ever be able to hold on to her?” That my friends is the biggest question weighing on my mind at the moment.

I’ve been wondering what song I should end the year with. Last year it was “The Championship” by The Polyphonic Spree; a song of hope and determination that carried me through many a dark day this year. I decided that it would be a Frames/Swell Season song as they are both my favorite band and my most memorable show of the year. At first I thought of using “When Your Mind’s Made Up” as I have learned that nothing shall ever trump a woman’s decision. But even I found that a little cynical. I then considered “Keepsake”, a song about closing the door to your house, breaking the key in the lock and setting the whole place ablaze. As someone who yearns to just start anew it is a very intriguing choice.

In the end I came across this clip on YouTube and it was clear that this is it. It starts with a cover of Jeff Buckley’s “Last Goodbye” and ends with “Red Chord”, a song that speaks of possibility and of regaining joy. I watch this concert clip from 2001 and realize that by staying true to what he believed Glen Hansard was able to win an Oscar for his music this year. That dreams can come true just by believing in yourself, following your heart and making art. That is how I want to end the year. Just stay true. The rest will occur in due time.

Have a safe and prosperous new year, everyone.

A request for advice

So I am faced with a dilemma at the moment. Ok, maybe dilemma isn’t the proper word here. Being faced with Sophie’s Choice is a dilemma. Choosing between briefcases on Deal or No Deal is an even bigger dilemma. I’m faced more with of a complete befuddlement at the moment. Mainly, I have no idea what to do on New Year’s Eve.

Now this would not be a problem if I was in Kansas City. I know exactly what I would do tomorrow night if I was in Kansas City. I would go down to The Brick and watch The Kelihans play and just drink and relax and have a good time. A dive bar with cheap drinks and a good Irish band is all that one needs on the last night of the year. Plus, going to The Brick is just like going to the Power and Light District except it doesn’t suck.

But I have escaped the vortex that is Kansas City and now find myself in Delaware where I do not know a single person that I do not work with and haven’t found a bar where I feel even remotely at home. Plus, all the places around here tend to have DJs so I haven’t even been able to find any decent live music in the area. So I am putting out an open plea to the blogosphere: What the hell should an unattached, single guy do on New Year’s Eve?

This is a much tougher question than one would originally think. I know that many of you will immediately suggest going to a bar but I must remind you what it is like to be in a crowded bar at midnight by yourself. Everyone around you is wildly drunk but you are not because you have to drive yourself home. The crowd is filled with people who only drink twice a year so they are annoying drunks as well. And, when the clock strikes midnight, everyone pairs off in an attempt to show just how much of a pathetic loser you are. So while it is an option it is not a preferred one.

(There is a counter option of going to a place of, how shall I put this, adult entertainment. There you can rest assured of female companionship at the midnight hour at the cost of overpriced drinks and your dignity. I’m cautious ever since I drove past one a month ago that advertised its Thanksgiving Buffet. I don’t even want to imagine what that was like.)

I could stay home of course and sit around writing, having a few drinks and ending the night by swearing at Ryan Seacrest and then turning off all the lights and listening to Smiths CDs until I pass out on my couch. Or I could do some shopping, which is a wonderfully American way of avoiding the fact that another year has passed me by. But this has been a rather momentous year for me with some of the best moments of my life and some of the absolute worst all included in it. I just feel that I should remember it in some special way. So if anyone has any ideas please pass them my way.

A fresh sheet of paper

There is something incredibly satisfying for me about writing on the first of the year. This has nothing to do with the blog but rather how I write the blog. See, I write everything in Word first and then copy it over to the blog. I know that this doesn’t explain the massive amount of spelling and grammar errors that abound in my writing but bear with me. What it means is that I store everything that I write every year in one big document that I refer to as my writer’s journal and on the first of the year I get to start up a new document.

I first started the writer’s journal in 1998 so this will mark ten full years of effort (sometime in April or May if I remember correctly). This wasn’t my first attempt at journaling; I had been trying it in one form or another since I was in high school. It’s just that in 1998 I forced myself to sit down and write every night. Didn’t always work and on more than one occasion I went months without writing but each year I ended up with over 60,000 words written. When I finally started to wonder why I didn’t have an audience for all of these thoughts I started up the blog, which forced me to be much more regimented about my writing. This might be interesting to only me but I find it fascinating that I have the past decade of my life captured in daily entries. I can tell you my first impressions of people because I literally wrote about them the night I met them. I just find that really cool.

Wish I had a ton of fun New Year’s stories to share but it was a rather quiet night last night. Luckily I felt well enough to head over to the Brick to see Rex Hobart and ring in the new year at some place other than my apartment. Don’t know if it was my cold or just my overall malaise but I just wasn’t really into it. Loved seeing the band, when you are bummed Rex is one of the best people to see in concert if just for the fact that his band is called the Misery Boys. But you know, things just felt sort of off. It was even that way in the crowd. It was a very anti climactic countdown, like you figured that since they already did it in New York do we even have to bother doing it here?

Today was mildly productive as I was able to clean my apartment before sitting down and watching Illinois…well, at least their uniforms looked cool. Actually, we were in the game for a half and if a few bounces would have gone our way we might have kept it close but yeah, we got beat. I can’t really get upset about the outcome. I went into the year hoping for six wins and a bowl game. Nine wins and playing in January is quite a thrill. Maybe one day we’ll actually win in January as well.

(Given that the Illini lost to Tennessee State in basketball over the weekend this hasn’t been a banner week for the orange and blue.)

That’s about it as I have to head to the office tomorrow. It’s kind of amazing but I’m looking forward to being back in the office. I’ve had a lot of time off the past few weeks and I’ll be glad to be back in my old routine. Lots of free time typically results in my sleeping on the couch. That’s another thing for me to work on in the new year.