Life in the Middle of Things

Average Life Expectancy of an American Male: 75.6 Years
My Age: 36.47 Years
Percent of Life Lived (Assuming Average Lifespan): 48.2 %

Sometimes viewing your life in numbers can be frightening. It is just part of my nature. I feel the need to quantify every aspect of my existence. I have kept a list of every book that I’ve read since 1998, my CD collection has a dedicated database for tracking purposes and I could provide you a monthly budget of income and expenses for, oh, the past fifteen years at least. This is what happens when you raise your son on a steady diet of math and science. You go from competing in math contests to living a life where all that matters are numbers. While numbers are concrete and unemotional they can certainly be scary.

I’ve been joking for a while that I am reaching the point of having a mid-life crisis but I had never actually done the math. I had assumed that I was still on the near side of my lifespan. Sure, I was getting close to the middle but I still had years to go. Instead I am basically there. In less than a year and a half I will be at the midpoint of the actuarial charts of what my life is supposed to be and if that thought doesn’t make you rethink life something must be a little wrong.

This isn’t that I am upset about the current status of my life. I mean, let’s be honest, I don’t think that it has ever been better. I’m in love, planning a wedding, and have finally found that piece that has been missing for all of these years. My job is challenging and interesting and I enjoy it even if everyone’s eyes glaze over when I try to describe it to them. (For the life of me I will never understand why other people don’t find marginal pricing models interesting.) I’m as healthy as I could be and I have traveled the world and have accomplished more than I have ever dream of.

Still, if I am really at the halfway point my first thought is “I better start getting my ass in gear.”

If there is anything that defines me it is the sense of always wanting another challenge. I love placing myself in a situation where everyone assumes that I will fail and proving them, or even myself, wrong. I’ve always had that competitive fire in me and since I’ve never been good in sports I’ve always had to come up with other ways to test myself and seeing that I’m at the halfway point I might as well start of thinking of some big goals.

I still want to write a novel or a book of some kind. I know that the blog is in some sense a book especially given that I am well past the half a million word mark. But I just want to take on writing something original and meaningful. It has been a lifelong goal and I’ve never done it. I want to travel more and read more and learn how to play guitar just so I would have an excuse to have a guitar lying around the house. I want to be a wonderful husband and a caring uncle and a good friend. I want to have a smile on my face more than a grimace or a frown. I want that one last chance to show the world what I am capable of.

I don’t think that I am at the halfway point of my life. I think that I have a bit more runway ahead of me than that. But if that is the case I want to make the second half the best that it can possibly be. Some people reach their mid-life and go “I’ve wasted my life.” I want to take this moment and go, “Let’s kick ass from here on out.”

I’ll give Jason Isbell the last word tonight…

An epic of light

One of the ideas that has been bothering me recently is the thought that I have yet to do anything epic with my life yet. I assume this is because I am approaching middle age and hence, the inevitable mid-life crisis. Some people would point out that I am just turning 35 and thus not technically at the midpoint of my life yet. My response is a) you haven’t paid much attention to the way I live and b) I don’t have that much faith in the state of the planet and the people who inhabit it. At best, it is fair to say that I can see the midpoint from here.

So I’m at the age where I start to look upon the whole of my life and wonder what it all adds up to. The fact is that there is no one great moment I can point to. No moment of supreme excellence or happiness or joy that would seem to account for all of my years spent roaming the Earth. I think we all feel that we have some epic event inside of ourselves. Part of it is a result of our viewing ourselves as the hero of a movie. Of course that has to be some climax to the story. But for me, a lot of it is due to what I know that I am capable of. Call it arrogance but I know how smart I am and the type of soul I am and I know that when I combine those two things and give it all I have then wonderful things will happen.

But so far I don’t think it has. Yes, I’ve accomplished a lot. Been the top student at a number of locations, which is nice but not something that gets remembered. I’ve done good work at jobs I’ve liked, excellent work at jobs I disliked and was an ambivalent slacker with unlimited internet access for the rest. I made a minor difference on the positive side of the ledger but again, nothing earth shattering. I’ve lived a good life, made some friends, only acquired a few mortal enemies but no grandiose moments. I can’t even say that I’ve passed along my genetic code to a little one scurrying about my house. That is a bit sad given that you don’t even need an instruction manual to achieve that; in fact many people accomplish it by not being able to understand an instruction manual.

This all leaves me at an interesting point. I don’t question what I’ve accomplished in the least and I am pleased with my life. Yes, there are things that I would do differently and I really did think I’d be married by now but nothing that results in my curling up in a ball and sitting in the corner. But I just want something more. I want something bigger than this.

There is a movie I heard about once that discusses what heaven is. In heaven you are told that you get to relive one day of your life over and over again for all of eternity. You get to choose your happiest, your proudest moment of your entire existence. I don’t think I’ve had that moment yet. I’ve had some wonderful ones to be sure but I haven’t had that one moment of pure joy. Of epic bliss.

This weekend is the summer solstice; the longest day of the year. As is tradition I always remember the line from The Great Gatsby in that we never celebrate the longest day of the year. We look forward to it but never do anything to enjoy it. Maybe something epic will happen on that day. Gatsby would be proud.