2023 / 2024 Bowl Preview (Part Three)

 

It’s the Saturday before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring as they were all watching seven bowl games across the ESPN family of networks. ESPN: we’re like a family that you use to avoid your own family. Or to avoid shopping at the mall in the days before Christmas. Except that malls no longer exist. Or shopping. Let’s get to the games before I get even more depressed.

 

Saturday, December 23^rd

Birmingham Bowl: Troy vs. Duke (Protective Stadium (Birmingham, Alabama), Noon, ABC): We are going to start our day in Birmingham, Alabama for the aptly named Birmingham Bowl. I’m expecting this game to be a dog fight in the sense that I find Troy and Duke to both be perfectly acceptable names for a dog. And for those who know me well, I have never named a dog Duke or Cameron. Not that it didn’t cross my mind.

Thanks to the wonderful new world of college athletics one of the big news items of the post-season / pre-bowl free for all is that Notre Dame picked up Duke’s quarterback during the transfer portal. This is after picking up Wake Forest’s quarterback last year during the transfer portal. I’m not sure what is worse: the fact that the transfer portal means that you never know who is playing where or that Notre Dame’s recruiting has left us happy that we get a veteran, mid-tier ACC quarterback for a season.

(Oh, and can the NFL coverage at least mention that Tommy DeVito played his last season at Illinois? Our recruiting needs all the help that it can get. Bielema can at least now pitch, “Play for us and you can be a third string NFLer who thanks to injuries and an agent that dresses funny gets to become a meme for a few weeks.)

I’d recommend getting to this game early and soaking in all the pre-game activities. That is because we are leaving at the end of the first quarter to jump in our car and make the two hour drive to…

 

Camellia Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Northern Illinois (Cramton Bowl (Montogomery, Alabama), Noon, ESPN): Yes, not only do we have two bowl games taking place two hours apart in Alabama they are happening at the exact same time. I understand that the residents of Alabama love college football but that is only if one of their teams are playing. However, as I planned out the road trip for today it is two hours from stadium to stadium so if we leave after the first quarter of the Birmingham Bowl we should make it to the Camellia Bowl by the fourth quarter. I’d rather flip that around but this will make it easier for the third leg of our journey.

Yes, three legs as there are three bowl games in Alabama today. Roughly speaking, 2% of the entire population of the state could attend a bowl game today and that is significantly less than how many attend a game when Alabama and Auburn are both playing at home. I have no idea who decided that this was the day to focus on Alabama but here we are.

Anyway, we are at least using a bowl game that is named after the state flower, which harkens back to the glory days of the Blue Bonnet Bowl, the Tangerine Bowl, and a number of other bowl games named for random items of agriculture. The Cramton Bowl is named for Fred J. Cramton who despite being named Fred J. Cramton was a successful businessman who decided that the Cramton Bowl would be a perfectly acceptable name for a stadium and that it would not cause snickering jokes for over one hundred years. Northern Illinois made a bowl game while Illinois did not. I’m not bitter about that at all.

Time to jump in the car for the two hour drive to Mobile. But thanks to the ESPN app we will still be able to catch…

 

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl: James Madison vs. Air Force (Amon G. Carter Stadium (Fort Worth, Texas), 3:30 PM, ABC): The college sports industrial complex teams up with the military industrial complex in what is a surprisingly fitting matchup. Founding Father / President versus Military Academy. Much better than bowl games featuring imaginary states. Though I’m not exactly sure what Lockheed Martin really needs to promote via bowl game sponsorship. I understand companies like AT&T using a bowl game to advertise themselves but I’m not sure if people are planning arms deals while watching the game. Though we are in Texas….

As we are still in the car, let’s flip on over to ESPN…

 

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Georgia State vs. Utah State (Albertsons Stadium (Boise, Idaho), 3:30 PM, ESPN): It’s time for the Smurf Turf! Of all the meaningless, early bowl games none gives me as much joy as the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. Not only is it played on Blue Turf with a high possibility of snow but it also gives these college athletes the knowledge that their years of risking significant brain injury has allowed them to spend time in Boise as the highlight of their career. And I’m not trying to knock Boise here as it looks beautiful and if you gave me a cabin in Idaho for a week I would be in heaven but the fact that bowl games are always presented as these fun in the sun events this game has always stood out as the exact opposite of what one would expect.

I had never heard of Georgia State until a few years ago. I have no idea where this school came from or why they always seem to make a bowl game. Even after meeting someone who attended Georgia State I still am not convinced. It is the Mandela Effect of colleges. Utah State is the third most popular football team in Utah. I’d say that counts for something but they are not even the most popular team from Utah playing today.

Hey, we made it to Mobile just in time for the finale of our Alabama triple header, which is really a doubleheader due to those two games happening at the same time.

 

68 Ventures Bowl: South Alabama vs. Eastern Michigan (Hancock Whitney Stadium (Mobile, Alabama), 7 PM, ESPN): In an unfortunate mixup, Ron DeSantis filed a legal challenge for Florida State to take South Alabama’s spot in this game. Yes, it is your non-union equivalent of a BCS semifinal as (South) Alabama takes on (Eastern) Michigan. This is the equivalent of the junior varsity game being played before the varsity matchup. To the point that most of the crowd will consist of the players’ parents and there will be a split the pot raffle at halftime. It doesn’t help that this is a literal home game for South Alabama. I gave Georgia State and Utah State crap for going to Boise. South Alabama doesn’t even get to go to a hotel with an indoor pool.

Also, I wonder when they came up with the list of ventures if at one point they stopped, decided to count what they had, and said “I don’t know about you guys, but sixty eight sounds like a perfectly good number. We’ll stop there.” They don’t even have a Wikipedia page if that tells you how big of a company you need to be in order to obtain title sponsorship for a bowl game.

But honestly, three bowl games in Alabama in one day is nuts. It would make for an awesome road trip though.

 

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Northwestern (Allegiant Stadium (Las Vegas, Nevada), 7:30 PM, ABC): It’s an actual game with teams you know played in an NFL stadium! As always, the Las Vegas Bowl features a team from Utah in what has to be the most unfortunate combination for the casinos imaginable. They always hope for LSU but instead have to break out the “Bring one wife, the other three get in for free” ticket deals. Northwestern ruined my Illini’s hopes of making a bowl game despite the fact that they spent most of their season trying not to have the entire program suspended. How they can have a more successful season when their coach is fired and there are a slew of hazing claims than Illinois does when all we have is an ongoing controversy around which breed of corn to plant this year is beyond me.

I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the Las Vegas Raiders. Or the Los Angeles Chargers. Or any pro teams in Vegas to be honest.

 

EasyPost Hawai’I Bowl: Coastal Carolina vs. San Jose State (Clarence T.C. Ching Athletics Complex (Honolulu, Hawaii), 10:30 PM, ESPN): Look, you get to go by Clarence or by T.C., you don’t get to go by both. Choose one. This is your seventh game of the day and if you are watching it I hope that you have money on it.

2023 / 2024 Bowl Preview (Part Two(

 Continuing the bowl preview with the weekday games…

 

Monday, December 18^th

Famous Toastery Bowl: Western Kentucky vs. Old Dominion (Jerry Richardson Stadium (Charlotte, North Carolina), 2:30 PM, ESPN): Wait a minute, this game was this afternoon? Who the hell schedules a bowl game for a Monday afternoon a week before Christmas? I understand the not wanting to compete with Monday Night Football, especially with it being the same network, but who would be watching except people who are burning up their unused vacation time at the end of the year? So, people like me I guess.

(It’s interesting to note that there are certain people who will complain how entire European countries will take the entire month of August off as a point of weakness. They however do not comment on how nothing gets done in American businesses the last two weeks of the year as everyone has to use their vacation that they didn’t take yet still are probably still somewhat working these days. Work is weird.)

Anyway, Famous Toastery needs to be more specific. Is it something like French Toast, which is clearly famous, or meant to be a brand? Does a PopTart count as a toastery if a toaster is not used in the process? We are getting dangerously close to is a hot dog a sandwich levels here. Western Kentucky has Grimace’s sunburned cousin as a mascot while Old Dominion put on a surprisingly good concert when Kim and I saw them earlier this year.

 

Tuesday, December 19^th

Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl: UTSA vs. Marshall (Toyota Stadium (Frisco, Texas), 9 PM, ESPN): I refuse to believe that there is such a place as Frisco, Texas. Prior to the Frisco Bowl I had never heard of Frisco, Texas. If Wikipedia is to be trusted, and if it isn’t then most high school students will be receiving failing grades on their research papers, Frisco is a Dallas suburb and the stadium is the Major League Soccer home of FC Dallas. So, it is a bowl game played in a soccer stadium that seats less than the University of North Texas stadium in nearby Denton. Just strange all around.

UT-San Antonio is best known as being the only school other than my high school to have the nickname Road Runners. Marshall is of course the Thundering Herd so this is easily the most unique mascot contest of the entire bowl season. Scooter’s Coffee is the coffee personally developed by Dr. Bunson Honeydew and his loyal colleague Beaker. Scooter is simply a better salesperson and hence gets the branding rights.

To be honest, a viewing of A Muppet Christmas Carol would be a good pre-game option.

 

Thursday, December 21^st

RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl: South Florida vs. Syracuse (FAU Stadium (Boca Raton, Florida), 8 PM, ESPN): This is a sponsorship that I can get behind. Some people look at climate change and focus on trying to stop it. Others look at climate change and deny that is even happening. The third group looks at climate change and says “how can I make money off of this?” Obviously the best solution to more and stronger hurricanes hitting Florida is to set up a website that will better process your homeowners claim. How that interacts with the three dozen people that will just randomly show up at your house after a hurricane promising to process a claim on your roof after showing you a brochure printed that morning I cannot explain.

Of course, this is the game that was famously referred to in The Great Gatsby with Daisy’s unforgettable line: “Don’t you always wait for Syracuse to play in the RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl on the shortest day of the year and miss it? I always wait for Syracuse to play in the RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl on the shortest day of the year and miss it.”

 

Friday, December 22^nd

Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. UCF (Raymond James Stadium (Tampa, Florida), 6:30 PM, ESPN): We are finally getting to the point where there are real schools playing in these games. Not that I can tell you the records of either team; just that you recognize that Georgia Tech and Central Florida do regularly play football at a level where they make bowl games. But we at least have actual teams playing in a real football stadium at a time when you can watch part of the game before heading out to a bar in an attempt to drown your sorrows before having to confront the holidays head on.

Tampa has this whole pirate / Gasparilla thing that is supposedly a massive event but in my years in Southwest Florida not only did we never go, we never heard of anyone going nor did we even have people talk about going. It wasn’t even like it was some mythical event. It was that thing they do in Tampa for some reason. Essentially in Fort Myers if you couldn’t get there via golf cart there was no reason to go. That included a few golf holes if the cart path was too far from the fairway.

 

Not much else to say about these games. Next up, the seven Saturday games. Seven. That makes it eighteen bowl games before Christmas when the players should at least theoretically be preparing for final exams. Theoretically, of course.

2023 / 2024 Bowl Preview (Part One)

It is that time of year again. Time to preview every single college bowl game that you might happen to stumble across over the next month or so. For my own sanity we will be doing this in multiple parts starting with the games from this Saturday of which there are, you’ve got to be kidding me, seven? Since when has December 16^th been this historic day for college football? Do we even need seven bowl games in one day. I need a drink just to write about these.

 

Myrtle Beach Bowl: Georgia Southern vs. Ohio (Brooks Stadium (Conway, SC), ESPN: 11 AM): Starting the bowl season out right with the Myrtle Beach Bowl that isn’t even held in Myrtle Beach. In fact, other than the stadiums for Clemson and South Carolina I didn’t even know there were other football stadiums in the state. Let’s check Wikipedia: Brooks Stadium is a 21,000 seat stadium for Coastal Carolina (the Fighitn’ Chanticleers for those of you scoring at home). So, they are playing in what is essentially a mid-sized Texas high school stadium. That is depressing. I mean, the team already has to accept that they do not play for either Georgia or Ohio State and now they will be playing a bowl game in front of a smaller crowd than most of them played in front of as teenagers.

Also, and maybe this is just a me thing, but when did Myrtle Beach become this huge vacation destination? I mean, I know that there is golf but I see more and more people, or at least paid advertisements, pushing the wonders of Myrtle Beach. I assume that one goes there either to spend time on the beach or meet up with an old woman named Myrtle. Honestly the latter sounds more interesting.

 

Cricket Celebration Bowl: Howard vs. Florida A&M (Mercedes-Benz Stadium (Atlanta, GA), ABC: 12 PM): The annual “Come for the bands playing at halftime, stay for the football game” contest. That probably sounds like a knock but if you have ever seen these bands you’ll know why they will be the best thing that you will see from any of the, sigh, seven bowl games on this day. That and there is a significant chance that Ryan Reynolds will be in the crowd. I don’t think he acts any more, he just shows up at a company and offers to film commercials in return for an ownership share. He’s a one man Shark Tank.

(Or maybe I’m thinking of Ryan Gosling. It’s the whole Bill Paxton vs. Bill Pullman phenomena all over again.)

 

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Jacksonville State vs. Louisiana (Caesars Superdome (New Orleans, LA), ESPN: 2:15 PM): It’s the Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette! Wait, it’s now just Louisiana? Do they still rage? I’m only watchin’ if they’re ragin’, ain’t that right Thibodeaux? Yeah, my attempts at Cajun humor are as rusty as my blogging. I was going to bust out one of my favorite pieces of trivia that Jacksonville State made the Final Four behind the great play of the A-Train Artis Gilmore except that A) that was Jacksonville, B) Jacksonville State is in Alabama as opposed to Florida, C) Jacksonville State is nicknamed the Gamecocks which would make Alabama at best the third most likely state that you would think the school would be located in and D) apparently everything I thought I knew about this world is a lie. Well, at least the New Orleans Bowl is held in New Orleans. Which is great for Louisiana, not so good for Jacksonville State though I bet if I check Wikipedia again I’ll find out that Anne Rice opened an auxiliary campus in the Garden District.

 

Avocados From Mexico Cure Bowl: Miami (OH) vs. Appalachian State (FBC Mortgage Stadium (Orlando, FL), ABC: 3:30 PM): I can guarantee you that there will be protesters outside the stadium ranting about how these “Avocados from Mexico” are sneaking across the border and taking jobs from our good, honest, hard working American avocados. You’d think I’m joking but remember I lived in Florida for nearly a decade. During that time, the easiest way to give directions from Fort Myers to Orlando was “Drive north to Tampa. When you see the giant Confederate flag, take the exit.” I am not kidding (though the person who flew the flag had all of the proper zoning permits, was entirely clear on what he was going to do, and no one bothered to read what he had submitted.) Florida is a world of tradeoffs: you get to avoid seasonal depression due to the lack of sunlight while gaining year round depression due to living in Florida.

Anyway, we get our second of four “State teams that aren’t actually a state” of the day though Appalachian State’s victory over Michigan years ago will always grant them a pass on my end. Also, I expect that most of the protesters will be surprised when they find out that the Hurricanes aren’t playing. Seriously, can any of the schools playing today be located in the logical state? How many years do we have to specify Miami of Ohio before was all just go, screw it, from now on you are Steve University.

 

Isleta New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico State vs. Fresno State (University Stadium (NM) (Albuquerque, NM), ESPN: 5:45 PM): It is fitting that the game is being played in, uh, “University Stadium” as I assume that the majority of the residents of New Mexico are in the witness protection program. If they make an announcement in the second quarter for John Smith to come to Guest Services to retrieve a lost item they’ll probably lose three quarters of the crowd. Admittedly that is why New Mexico State was invited to the game as for legal reasons none of the players are allowed to leave the state. And screw you, Fresno State. There are a thousand California Something schools out there and you decided that you just had to be different. For some poor soul this is the third straight game they will have watched on ESPN to which I can only say: by this point you have probably spent enough money at the bar for them to change the channel for you. BBQ Pitmasters is on Destination America because it is Saturday. Yes, every episode is exactly the same. You’ve got a 50 / 50 shot that Lacey Chabert is on the Hallmark Channel. Yes, every movie is exactly the same. Your call: Brisket or “Oh my god, he is secretly a prince! Should I leave my high paying marketing job to join him? But what about my family’s struggling toy store?”

 

Starco Brands LA Bowl: UCLA vs. Boise State (SoFi Stadium (Inglewood, CA), ABC: 7:30 PM): Starco Brands does not have a Wikipedia page. In fact, this game’s official title is “Starco Brands LA Bowl Hosted by Gronk.” If this game isn’t an elaborate money laundering scheme then you will have to convince me that all of those mattress stores that you see on every other corner have a business model that solely relies on mattress related transactions. UCLA gets to stay home and Boise State gets to travel away from Idaho. Thay is a win-win on all fronts. Also, can’t wait for those epic Illinois – UCLA Big Ten matchups in the coming years. Sigh. On one hand, I’m guaranteed to see my Illini play in the Rose Bowl. On the other hand, there is no way Illinois is ever going to play in the Rose Bowl again.

 

Radiance Technologies Independence Bowl: California vs. Texas Tech (Independence Stadium (Shreveport, LA), ESPN: 9:15 PM): Back in my day (and I am now of the age where I can say something like back in my day and mean it), students used to make a big deal of road tripping to see their team in a bowl game. If you didn’t do it you were at least envious of those that did. I really want to know how many students are deciding “I could stay in Berkley but screw it, let’s head on down to Shreveport.” And that is given the fact that most of the Cal students will end up working for a company like “Radiance Technologies” where you are not quite sure what they do and their corporate website talks highly about their “Team focused, family driven, company atmosphere” while completely neglecting to mention the robot army that is being developed down the hall. The fact that the bowl game’s motto is “It’s Radiance Technologies Independence. We didn’t say anything about your independence” is telling to say the least.

At least these last two games involve teams you may have seen during the year. Bowl season has officially begun.

 

Finally, a preview of the subject of my next post.

Music and Memory and Meaning

 

 

I thought about Sinead Lohan last night.

I am probably the only person who was thinking about Sinead Lohan at the time and given the time difference between here and Ireland that includes Sinead Lohan. To be honest, she is neither the most popular Sinead nor Lohan and that is an accomplishment. I mean, I can only name two Sinead’s and she comes in second. For Lohan’s she at least beats Michael.

Anyway, I was thinking about her.

Now anyone who is still reading this is probably asking the question of who the hell is Sinead Lohan. Well, she was (is? Verb tense is going to be a bit weird here) an Irish singer songwriter who 25 years ago released this brilliant album called No Mermaid. It had a little bit of airplay in Chicago and an amazing cover photo so it entered my CD collection.

              (Ok, ignore the thumb there. This was the best quality photo that I could find quickly.)

              It stuns me that I bought this 25 years ago. Part of that is just the sheer fact that aging at some point becomes an incomprehensible fact. 25 years is literally half a lifetime ago for me. My brain understands the math but can’t piece together of the reality of all of the time spent on either side of this album. It certainly doesn’t seem equal. But even more than that is the fact that I could immediately remember this album, this photo, and some of the beautiful and amazing songs on this album. “No Mermaid”, “Whatever It Takes”, “Believe It If You Like”, and others are all on instant recall in my head even when I haven’t listened to this album for years.

              Yet, there is one other aspect of this that really made me think and listen one more time.

              See, this is the only album I ever knew that she ever released. Apparently, Wikipedia tells me that she released one earlier album but A) I have no recollection of ever seeing it and B) I went to multiple record stores in Ireland around this time. She recorded one of my favorite albums and just disappeared. A few years later Nickel Creek covered “Out of the Woods”, which means that her version is simultaneously the second most popular version of that song and third most popular song with that title falling far behind Taylor Swift. But that was it. I have this one CD. And I still have the physical CD and have burned it to multiple computers and transferred it to device after device. I could listen to it on my Zune if I wanted to. I have had these songs with me for 25 years.

              And this is what amazes me about art and the unknown ways that an artist can effect us. Sinead Lohan recorded this one album 25 years ago, got a bit of recognition, and then went on with her life. Yet there is someone across an ocean who has never forgotten this one piece of art and has had it floating around his consciousness as part of his life’s soundtrack. And she has no idea of this. Or maybe she does? Maybe that is the entire reason why we create in the first place. For that hope, however distant and remote, that we will put something out into the universe that will resonate with another human being. That we can make this infinite void we live in just that little bit smaller. Occasionally that very thing happens.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Five

We’ve reached the end. Thank God.

Tuesday, Jan. 1
Outback Bowl
Mississippi State vs. Iowa
Noon ET, ESPN2
Raymond James Stadium
Tampa, Florida

I have very few positive things to say about Iowa, especially since it is the school responsible for my having to suffer through four years of sub-par Illini basketball, but the “wave to the kids in the children’s hospital” tradition is one of the best in football. This might be one of the few games that feels as though it is traditional. It has been called the Outback Bowl forever and it takes place on New Year’s Day in a Big Ten – SEC matchup. Add in the traditional “salute to Jazzercise” halftime show and it is what you want in a hangover remedy game.

VRBO Citrus Bowl
Kentucky vs. Penn State
1 p.m. ET, ABC
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

Ok, there is no reason why a New Year’s Day bowl game should have a sponsor that is completely random. And I mean random in the “it is just four random letters” sense of the word. Does anyone know what VRBO is? A bank? An anti-perspirant? Some new tech company spouting breakthroughs in mass transportation but producing what is in reality a poorly designed tunnel? No one knows.

I watched a lot of Penn State this year and the team probably deserves a better bowl than this. Or at least a better opponent. I know that Kentucky over-achieved in the SEC this year but it just seems wrong to be talking about their strength as a football program. Could we have Tennessee return to prominence?

(Also, for Christmas I got Kim a Lego Penn State Stadium. And a candle that smells like South Bend. I know what my wife’s heart desires.)

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl
No. 11 LSU vs. No. 8 UCF
1 p.m. ET, ESPN
State Farm Stadium, Glendale, Arizona
Glendale, Arizona

Didn’t this use to be the University of Phoenix Stadium? As much as I dislike change I can at least support not having a stadium being named for a school that by definition cannot compete at the stadium. After the playoff games this weekend I know people were complaining about who made the games. I’m biased of course but I can’t see how it should have changed. Georgia lost twice and had their chance at Alabama. Ohio State was blown out by Purdue, should have lost to Maryland and is Ohio State and that alone should disqualify them. The team that I thought had the best argument was Central Florida but I couldn’t support them after their best player and quarterback was lost for the season when, uh, he had his leg amputated. Ok, not quite amputated but, yeah, way too severe of an injury to receive without being paid in the process. Oh well, geaux Tigers.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual
No. 9 Washington vs. No. 6 Ohio State
5 p.m. ET, ESPN
Rose Bowl
Pasadena, California

The granddaddy of them all! The reason why millions of roses are cruelly murdered every year! The last time this year you can feel the irrational hate fill your body just by seeing Ohio State on your television! I’m trying to think of a team that is more hated but I really can’t. Sure some people would say Notre Dame but at least you know that Notre Dame will lose at times and their players and coaches are slightly less likely to be criminals. Well, coaching staff is probably a wash but definitely the players. I’ll be cheering for Washington for obvious reasons.

Allstate Sugar Bowl
No. 15 Texas vs. No. 5 Georgia
8:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome
New Orleans

Does anyone else feel weird knowing that they will be going back to work on Wednesday? For those of us who turn this time into a week or so of vacation time the fact that we will be immediately going back to the grind is bizarre. I don’t think anyone actually wants to work the rest of the week but it is a new year and we all have resolutions to keep and bills to pay. Anyway, here is the game to watch as you dread setting the alarm clock for the morning.

Monday, Jan. 7
College Football Playoff National Championship Presented By AT&T
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 2 Clemson
8 p.m. ET on ESPN
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, California

It’s a rerun. They’ll probably show last year’s game simultaneously on ESPN Classic. Your halftime entertainment is Imagine Dragons. We end bowl season with a game that is not a bowl game. Pass.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Four

Continuing the series featuring games that matter, games that don't matter and something called the Belk Bowl.

Saturday, Dec. 29
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
No. 10 Florida vs. No. 7 Michigan
Noon ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Stadium
Atlanta

Call me a purist but I liked it when all the big bowl games were on January 1st and the Peach Bowl wasn’t considered a major bowl. It was great when it was an over-achieving ACC team versus an underachieving SEC team played in late December. Add in the always fun sponsorship of Chick-fil-A (the only company in the world that could make buying a chicken sandwich a moral quandary) and you have the making for a good waste of a couple hours. This should be a good matchup even if it is between two teams that no one likes unless you are actually from the state and even then it is a fifty-fifty proposition.

Belk Bowl
South Carolina vs. Virginia
Noon ET, ABC
Bank of America Stadium
Charlotte, North Carolina

I will also state for the record that Belk is another great all purpose swear word. We really need new swear words. The old ones are too over-used and it would be nice to be able to swear around children without feeling horrible about it. Anyway, this bowl game is a load of Belk. I’m not sure if anyone can tell me a single thing about either team’s season and the fact that even ABC is putting this game up against the Chick-fil-A Bowl on its sister station tells you that even they don’t care.

NOVA Home Loans Arizona Bowl 
Arkansas State vs. Nevada
1:15 p.m. ET, CBSSN
Arizona Stadium
Tucson, Arizona

Finally, a game not a part of the Disney family even though it will take you a good ten minutes to find the CBS Sports Network on your cable system. Even though we are years removed from the last financial crisis I still find it strange when home loan companies are the sponsor, especially when it involves places like Arizona and Nevada. Also, I don’t know if I’m more surprised that Arkansas State is a D-1 school or a school at all. Sometimes bowl season teaches you something.


College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
No. 2 Clemson vs. No. 3 Notre Dame
4 ET, ESPN
AT&T Stadium
Arlington, Texas

Lots of thoughts about this so time to break out the numbered list!
1) Expect to hear the “Joe Montana having a bowl of chicken soup before the fourth quarter” story a dozen times during the game.
2) I’m not sure if the Cotton Bowl Classic is like Coca-Cola Classic and there was a New Cotton Bowl that we all agreed to forget about but the fact that the Cotton Bowl Classic is not played in the Cotton Bowl is the biggest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I rented “The Neverending Story.”
3) Early in the season I said if Notre Dame went undefeated they’d make the playoffs, with one loss they’d be in a lesser BCS bowl and with two losses they’d be in a pile of Belk. I’d like to say that I was correct in every aspect.
4) That said, Notre Dame might have had the most underwhelming undefeated season that I have ever seen. At the beginning of the season the schedule looked brutal but by the end you are wondering who did they beat and why weren’t they ever dominant. They beat Michigan and Vanderbilt and it was tough to tell the difference between the two. I’m a proud alum and all but this isn’t the best team I ever saw.
5) Clemson has players suspended, which will help Notre Dame’s chances. Also, I’ve always been a fan of Clemson’s uniforms so that will make the game even better.
6) In the end, I think Notre Dame’s defense keeps it close and the Irish break out a couple of long runs but they’ll need a couple of breaks to make it work out. Hoping for the best.

College Football Playoff Semifinal at the Capital One Orange Bowl
No. 1 Alabama vs. No. 4 Oklahoma
8 p.m. ET, ESPN
Hard Rock Stadium
Miami Gardens, Florida

Does anyone go to a Hard Rock Café anymore? I assume that they are still a thing but it seems like a concept from a previous century. Also, does hard rock even exist as a thing? Without MTV it is impossible to know. This is the second half of the playoffs featuring a team you hate going up against a team you are rather indifferent about. Unless you are an Ohio State fan but we don’t care what you think anyway. I want Alabama to lose mainly because I am sick of Alabama winning all the time, which isn’t the optimal reason for a rooting interest but I’ll take what I can get.

Monday, Dec. 31
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati vs. Virginia Tech
Noon ET, ESPN
Jack Stephens Field at Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium
Annapolis, Maryland

There is something about the combination of the military industrial complex with the college athletics industrial complex that is either unsettling or inspired depending on your point of view. Also, I believe that this bowl is taking place in a stadium that is smaller than Virginia Tech’s home stadium by a large margin and that just feels wrong. It’s not as though the weather is going to be any different between Annapolis and Blacksburg. They could just make this a Virginia Tech home game, draw a larger crowd and everyone can go home happy. Especially are friends at Northrop Grumman whose mid-game commercial is just a guy in suit telling the camera “I’d tell you all the good that we do at Northrop Grumman but it’s classified. And also possibly not good in the true sense of the word.”

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford vs. Pittsburgh
2 p.m. ET, CBS
Sun Bowl Stadium
El Paso, Texas

This along with the Liberty Bowl might be the only two bowl games left that seem to be the same as I remember from when I was a kid. Sponsorships are minor, the games don’t really matter that much and they take place in cities that have no other major sports. It’s not the same as the days of the Blue Bonnet Bowl but I will take it. Stanford and Pitt are two schools that could make this a very interesting game or very dull depending on how much the players actually care. Sounds great on paper, might be less so in practice.

Redbox Bowl
Michigan State vs. Oregon
3 p.m. ET, Fox
Levi's Stadium
Santa Clara, Calif.

Ah, Redbox. Combining the old school video store experience of wondering if your movie is available with the thrill of being in a 7-11 parking lot at three in the morning. I literally feel safer standing outside an ATM then I do a Redbox machine. Also, just wondering but why are all these games on New Year’s Eve? New Year’s Eve is a Monday, it’s not a holiday and New Year’s Day is completely open for football yet only a handful of games are scheduled. Can’t we just once have things the way they used to be?

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Missouri vs. Oklahoma State
3:45 p.m. ET, ESPN
Liberty Bowl Memorial Stadium
Memphis, Tennessee

So, a few years ago this would be a regular season Big 12 game. I don’t think that there is much else to say. It’s about as important as a regular season Big 12 game between two mid-pack teams.

San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Northwestern vs. Utah
7 p.m. ET, FS1
SDCCU Stadium
San Diego, Calif.

I say this all the time but I have no idea how the sponsorship for this bowl game works. The audience they are trying to reach are the citizens of San Diego County. Fair enough but a) Northwestern isn’t in San Diego county, b) Utah is not in San Diego County and c) the residents of San Diego County aren’t going to be spending New Year’s Eve at home watching a Northwestern – Utah game on FS1.

TaxSlayer Gator Bowl
NC State vs. Texas A&M
7:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
TIAA Bank Field
Jacksonville, Florida

In much the same manner as the Cure Bowl I believe that this game will be better served if it was just called the Slayer Bowl and featured Slayer playing a full concert during the game. It might also draw a larger crowd. This will be the last game of the year and will be what you watch at the bar before they turn on the live shot of people freezing in Times Square. Well, that is what you will watch if you go to a bar on New Year’s Eve. I prefer any other option, including going to Jacksonville.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Three

Some people open presents on Christmas morning. I preview bowl games. Look, Santa needs something to read…

Wednesday, Dec. 26
SERVPRO First Responder Bowl 
Boston College vs. Boise State
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Cotton Bowl
Dallas

For those of you keeping track this is the game that takes place in the Cotton Bowl but isn’t the Cotton Bowl and isn’t played on New Year’s Day. This is in comparison to the Cotton Bowl which isn’t played in the Cotton Bowl and also isn’t played on New Year’s Day. I asked Santa for consistency for Christmas but apparently that doesn’t fit in a stocking. I hope that we see a lot of hustle in the First Responder Bowl though I assume that none of the sponsors will be there as they will, you know, be responding to things. Also, is it still cool to like Boise State? They used to be the fun, small team to cheer for.

Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota vs. Georgia Tech
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ford Field
Detroit

Illinois beat Minnesota this year. Yes, my Illini actually scored a victory over a bowl team this year. Ok, the underdog in the Quick Lane Bowl but still, at least it meant that we beat one team with a .500 record. Anyway, I will always contend that this game should be completed in thirty minutes or less otherwise it is free. I think that would be best for everyone involved as I don’t think that there will be a single person in the stadium who wants to be there. We could just have the two teams line up, have the bands play for thirty seconds, and have whoever wins the coin toss win the game and everyone could go home happy.

Cheez-It Bowl
California vs. TCU
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Chase Field
Phoenix

Somehow, I love the fact that there is some poor soul at Cal who has to hype to prospective students who are all basking in the Berkley mystique that “we also made it to the Cheez-It Bowl this year!” I also have never bought into the Berkley mystique mainly because I’m a Midwest kid who could never understand why anyone would want to live in California in the first place. Nice weather year round? What the hell are you thinking? Also, how is Wisconsin not in the Cheez-It Bowl? Complete missed marketing opportunity for a cheese inspired product that may, on occasion, contain actual cheese. Cheer for TCU because their nickname is the Horned Frogs and we need to encourage creative mascots whenever possible.

Thursday, Dec. 27
Walk-On's Independence Bowl
Temple vs. Duke
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Independence Stadium
Shreveport, Louisiana

This might be the first time when a game between Temple and Duke with the phrase Walk-On’s often spoken be about football instead of basketball. For those who have known me for a long time you should be aware that my Duke basketball fandom has ended after a good twenty plus year run. Partly because I don’t watch much college basketball anymore, partly because Duke has turned into every other corrupt program in the country and partly because they won’t give Christian Laettner another year of eligibility. Also, while I have no idea what Walk-On’s it is is a surprisingly tame sponsor for the Independence bowl. This is the game you watch only because ESPN2 has decided to broadcast a Magic the Gathering tournament and you are too bored to hit guide on your remote.


New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Miami vs. Wisconsin
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Yankee Stadium
New York

The nice thing about college football is that every year a few schools underperform and you end up with a low tier bowl game with a matchup that sounds really good. If it is September and I asked if you wanted to see Miami – Wisconsin in a bowl game you would be psyched. If I said you would be sitting in Yankee Stadium on a December night as well it would probably dampen your enthusiasm a degree or two. I have yet to see any reason why they have these outdoor cold weather bowl games (outside of the Idaho Bowl of course). At least the teams get to say they played in Yankee Stadium, which would mean something if it was the old Yankee Stadium but now it is just a stadium with the same name as a famous stadium.

Academy Sports + Outdoors Texas Bowl
Baylor vs. Vanderbilt
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
NRG Stadium
Houston

It is incredible to think that one day there were a number of people with decades of experience crowded around a conference table and saying, “So we agree, we’ll call the company Academy Sports and Outdoors.” Despite the fact that sports can be played indoors and outdoors and that the outdoors can be enjoyed via sports or other methods this still seems like the most awkward pairing of words imaginable. Thankfully the Texas Bowl is being played in Texas featuring a team from Texas so maybe Santa was just a little late in delivering consistency due to the government shutdown. Given that Baylor and Vanderbilt are both known for their medical schools at some point you have to wonder when the universities will decide that a) it is unethical to have a football team or b) having a football team provides a consistent stream of patients.

Friday, Dec. 28
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue vs. Auburn
1:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Nissan Stadium
Nashville, Tennessee

Back in the pre-sponsorship days this would be an awesome bowl name. “Welcome to the Music City Bowl here in wonderful Nashville, Tennessee!” Now it just reminds you that you have to pay the mortgage next week while wondering if we are in another housing bubble. I will say that Purdue’s destruction of Ohio State was the most fun I’ve had watching a football game in a long time. It’s great when the entire country can get behind an inspirational story of a student fighting cancer and see Ohio State get embarrassed at the same time. They should just replay that game instead.

Camping World Bowl
West Virginia vs. Syracuse
5:15 p.m. ET, ESPN
Camping World Stadium
Orlando, Florida

For the record, do we really need two Virginias? I know we joke about the Dakotas but West Virginia was part of Virginia until the civil war and could probably be recombined with no loss other than the ability to make jokes about West Virginia. For those who enjoy the wonders of conference realignment this is a great game between two former Big East rivals who now play in the Big 12 and ACC respectively. No wonder kids today have no sense of geography. We can’t even build a football conference correctly.

Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State vs. Washington State
9 p.m. ET, ESPN
Alamodome
San Antonio, Texas

San Antonio is a very underrated city. No one lists it highly on their go-to vacation spots but everyone who has ever been there raves about it. Just keep that in mind for your future vacation plans. I also think that the word Valero should never be spoken but rather sung as though it is a car name in a 1960s commercial for a car made entirely out of steel with huge tail fins and the state of the art fuel mileage of five gallons to the mile. I also think that we should have Iowa State play Washington State simultaneously with an Iowa – Washington game. 22 players a side, state supremacy on the line.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Your Hallmark Christmas Movie Update: I am very interested / concerned by the fact that Tia Mowery from Sister, Sister starred in one of the movies. Not by the fact that she starred, she is a perfectly fine actress who fits all of the criteria of the female lead for a Hallmark Christmas movie, but by the fact that her sister Tamara was nowhere to be seen. It is very disconcerting to watch a star of Sister, Sister without, well, the other sister. I fear that this can only mean one of two things: A) Hallmark can only afford one sister or B) Tamara apparently suffered the same fate as Skeeter from Muppet Babies.

(We don’t talk about Skeeter. Ever.)

Anyway, here are the rest of the bowl games up to Christmas Day. You can either watch these games or go to the mall and, well, be stunned by the fact that there is still such a thing as a mall. Feel free to walk up to one of the people working at those mini-kiosks and ask them about their business plan.

Friday, Dec. 21

Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl
FIU vs. Toledo
12:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Thomas A. Robinson National Stadium
Nassau, Bahamas

Toledo wins the bowl lottery this year as the team gets to leave Toledo to go to the Bahamas for a Friday afternoon game. That has to turn into at least a beach weekend for the players who decide not to declare political asylum to avoid being forced to return to Toledo. I’m not sure if Makers Wanted is a reference to Makers Mark or if the Bahamas is simply in great need of people who actually make things. Or there could be some criminal mastermind named Makers and this is the equivalent of Bahamas Most Wanted. If someone could watch the game and let me know I would really appreciate it.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Western Michigan vs. BYU
4 p.m. ET, ESPN
Lyle Smith Field at Albertsons Stadium
Boise, Idaho

And Western Michigan loses the bowl lottery by having to play at the only location worse than Western Michigan. I still contend that the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl sounds like the 8th choice for value meals at KFC which consists of mashed potatoes, a bowl made out of day old French fries, and whatever vaguely food-like items are within reach at the moment the order is placed. Also, “Lyle Smith” may possibly the most Boise, Idaho name possible. All that said, this has always been a favorite bowl game of mine with the blue turf, mountains in the background, and absolutely no reason for existing.

Saturday, Dec. 22

Jared Birmingham Bowl
Memphis vs. Wake Forest
Noon ET, ESPN
Legion Field
Birmingham, Alabama

We went to Jared for our bowl game! I have a feeling that the Memphis and Wake Forest players had the same expression on their faces as any woman whose boyfriend gets down on one knee and pulls out a box from Jared. Sure, the gesture is nice and all but by accepting you are just admitting that you are going to settle for the first available option.

(Completely different subject: for some reason I was thinking about what I would have put on an internet dating profile if I had done one back in the day. My first two thoughts were “Look, you could do worse” and “If we went out it will at least get your mom to stop asking questions about when you’ll meet someone for a few months.” How I’ve been married for seven and a half years is a complete mystery.)

Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
Houston vs. Army
3:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Amon G. Carter Stadium
Fort Worth, Texas

I’m not sure if it is fitting or simply unfair that Army gets to play in the Armed Forces Bowl. Lockheed Martin is the sponsor of the bowl game as well as one of the teams. Still, it is great to see that Army has come back after some really down football years. I always like watching the military academy teams given that these are some of the few student-athletes playing for the reasons that people always give for what is noble about college athletics.

Dollar General Bowl
Buffalo vs. Troy
7 p.m. ET, ESPN
Ladd-Peebles Stadium
Mobile, Alabama

Somehow if you asked me to pick the two most fitting teams in college football to play in a game sponsored by Dollar General I am fairly confident that Buffalo and Troy would be chosen. This is the second ESPN game of the day from Alabama and I wonder if they will use the same announcers for both. They could at least spotlight a few fans who decide to hit both games as I sure would try to pull off that double. Oh, and Buffalo is in a bowl and not Illinois. I’m just saying that while Lovie Smith’s beard is impressive but I would like to see a little more progress.

SoFi Hawai'i Bowl
Louisiana Tech vs. Hawaii
10:30 p.m. ET, ESPN
Aloha Stadium
Honolulu

Hawaii is playing in the Hawaii Bowl in Hawaii. While this seems completely redundant it is actually sensible because historically this is the bowl that schools hate because they always lose money for accepting a berth to. Between the travel costs for sending the team / cheerleaders / band and the fact that they never sell their allotment of tickets because their fans aren’t going to drop their Christmas plans to head to Hawaii there is little reason to want to play in the game. Thankfully athletic directors are always up for a free Hawaii vacation and Hawaii has no desire to play in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. There are worse things you could do on Saturday Night than watch this game but most of those involve starting a run on Bailey Brothers Savings and Loan, which is something I suspect SoFi is planning at this very moment.

2018 / 2019 Bowl Preview: Part One

It’s that time of year again! The leaves have fallen, snow may or may not be on the ground and Amazon employees are dropping from exhaustion. Yes, it is college bowl season! As is tradition I will preview every single bowl game so you know just how to best avoid any and all family members as well as human contact of any kind. Because if there is one thing we all appreciate during the holiday season it is watching unpaid twenty year olds suffer catastrophic knee injuries.

I will start with the pre-Christmas bowl games through December 20th. You do not have to watch these games unless the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie stars Candace Cameron-Bure. If the movie stars either Alicia Witt or Ashley Williams then please promptly turn to the Hallmark Channel. If you see the smile and short stature of Lacey Chabert on the channel where everyone is always having hot cocoa and preparing for the Winter Carnival then flip a coin.

Saturday, December 15

Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
North Carolina A&T vs. Alcorn State
Noon ET, ABC
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia

Instead of commentators I really think this game would be best served by having Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” being played on a continuous loop. To be fair, pretty much every moment of existence would be improved by having Celebration playing in the background. It would be more convenient if Air Force was playing in the Air Force Reserve bowl but if there is one thing I’ve learned from bowl game sponsorships it’s that Poulan makes a damn fine Weed Eater. Anyway, these two schools get to be on TV without having to play an SEC team in the process so it’s a win on all fronts.

New Mexico Bowl Presented by Progressive
Utah State vs. North Texas
2 PM ET, ESPN
Branch Field at Dreamstyle Stadium, Albuquerque, New Mexico

Somehow the words “Utah State”, “North Texas” and “Progressive” really don’t seem to belong in the same sentence. I also don’t know what Dreamstyle Stadium looks like and I am scared to even use Google to find out. I don’t even want to know what Dreamstyle is or how they raised enough money to pay for a stadium sponsorship. This is one of the games that features two teams that you went an entire season without seeing a single game or highlight from but you do get scenic pictures of New Mexico and Flo will be performing the ceremonial coin toss so you have that going for you.

AutoNation Cure Bowl
Tulane vs. Louisiana
2:30 PM ET, CBSSN
Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida

Saturday is great for the Cure Bowl don’t you think? Sigh. Every year I make a Cure reference and every year I realize that more and more people have no clue what I am talking about, including undoubtedly every single player in this game. Don’t grow old kids, or at least force your definition of pop culture to remain relevant for as long as you can. I’m cheering for Tulane because a) they’re in New Orleans and b) I’m not sure which of the former Louisiana schools this one is. I think it is Louisiana-Lafayette but I could be wrong. Either way, lots of gumbo at the tailgates for this one.

Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl
Fresno State vs. Arizona State
3:30 PM ET, ABC
Sam Boyd Stadium, Las Vegas, Nevada

To the thrill of everyone in Las Vegas, this bowl game doesn’t feature BYU. You might think I’m kidding but BYU played in this game for five straight years. I mean, they filled the stadium with the “Bring one Sister Wife, bring the others for free” promotion but there has never been a worst pairing of city and school for a bowl game. This will be a game of some sort, featuring schools you actually know of with student bodies that, well, settled on their safety school. Sometimes you have games where both teams have the same mascot; this time you have two schools who share the motto “We’re accredited, honest”.

Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Georgia Southern vs. Eastern Michigan
5:30 PM ET, ESPN
Cramton Bowl, Montgomery, Alabama

This game is totally the non-union equivalent of the Outback Bowl. You can just hear the announcers breathlessly discussing this matchup between Georgia *cough* Southern and *whisper* Eastern Michigan. I also want to say that for you parents out there Cramton would make a wonderful all purpose swear word that you could say in front of a child. I figure that since Georgia would be Michigan that Southern Georgia would beat Eastern Michigan but that is pretty much all I’ve got here.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Middle Tennessee vs. Appalachian State
9 PM ET, ESPN
Mercedes-Benz Superdome, New Orleans, Louisiana

Finally a game featuring a team I saw this year as Appalachian State nearly upset Penn State to start the season. That should give you a good indication on who to pick in this game. Now why precisely you’d want to spend your Saturday night in New Orleans watching this game is another story. Sure, it is always fun to watch a game but there are other options.

Tuesday, December 18

Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl
UAB vs. Northern Illinois
7 PM ET, ESPN
Howard Schnellenberger Field at FAU Stadium, Boca Raton, Flordia

As a resident of South Florida I can say that everything south of Tampa / Orlando can be placed into one of four categories: 1) the style and glamour of South Beach, 2) the wackiness of Key West, 3) Swamps, lots and lots of swamps and 4) gated communities in which hearses are kept on speed dial. I’m surprised this is a night game because most people down here don’t like to drive when it’s dark out and it’s after the early bird dinner specials. Anyway, this game also lets me rant that both UAB, which disbanded its football program a few years ago, and Northern Illinois both made a bowl game while Illinois did not. Life just isn’t fair.

(Also, I assume that you can make your own Cheribundi joke. I’ll go with she was my favorite character on Married with Children.)

Wednesday, December 19

DXL Frisco Bowl
San Diego State vs. Ohio
8 PM, ESPN
Toyota Stadium, Frisco, Texas

ESPN is telling me that this game exists. However, I do not have confirmation that there is such a place as “Frisco, Texas” or how they became home to a bowl game. It is possible that this game is taking place in one of those fake cities that they put on maps for copyright protection purposes. I’m just saying that if the two teams mysteriously disappear like they entered Night Vale don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thursday, December 20

Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Marshall vs. South Florida
8 PM ET, ESPN
Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Florida

Given that the motto of Tampa is “As seen on Cops” I will allow the Bad Boy Mowers sponsorship. This is a tough game to call since a) South Florida is playing at home and b) South Florida nearly lost to Illinois. I think the latter will outrank the former. Also, on an unrelated note, do bearded hipsters go into bars and order drinks of Sasparilla? That seems totally like something a bearded hipster would do. Also, are we done with the whole bearded hipster movement yet? That is a trend that has lasted far too long.

Next time: the rest of the pre-Christmas festivities!

All a poet can do is warn

Preface

This book is not about heroes. English poetry is not yet fit to speak of them.

Nor is it about deeds, or lands, nor anything about glory, honour, might, majesty, dominion, or power, except War

Above all I am not concerned with Poetry,

My subject is War and the pity of War,

The Poetry is in the pity.

Yet these elegies are to this generation in no sense consolatory, They may be to the next. All a poet can do today is warn. That is why the true Poets must be truthful.

(If I thought the letter of this book would last, I might have used proper names; but if the spirit of it survives - survives Prussia - my ambition and those names will have achieved themselves fresher fields than Flanders...)

Wilfred Owen
1st Lieutenant, Manchester Regiment, 2nd Manchester Rifles
March 18, 1893 - November 4, 1918
Honored amongst the war poets in Poets Corner at Westminster Abbey

Tranquility base, here I come

Today marks my ninetieth straight day of meditating. This means that either I have reached total enlightenment and have become one with the universe or I have become addicted to the dopamine ping of clicking on an app and having it say “Congratulations, you have been clicking on me every day! Aren’t you special!”

Yeah, smart money is on the latter.

But, this is the longest I have been able to keep up with the goal of meditating for ten minutes a day and I’ve been pleased with it for the most part. For those wondering I use the Headspace app, which hits the right notes for me in having directions that are simple and clear and are spoken in a calm, British voice which makes you feel as though someone is making a cup of tea in the background. I don’t even drink tea but it just gets you in the mindset of being relaxed for a moment.

(On the other hand, the Calm app is filled with nature sounds and lots of talk about getting in touch with your inner self, which just makes me feel as though bugs are crawling all over me while I am reminded of how much of a failure I have been at life. Also, while I am a fan of Sam Harris and have used some of his meditations in the past he tends to quickly go from “now close your eyes and focus on your breathing” to “realize there is no such thing as self” to “you do understand that free will is an illusion and we are all just a set of sub-atomic particles following a direct course dictated by the laws of physics” really, really quickly. It’s not that I don’t want to explore his ideas or even that I disagree with them. It’s just that I would rather put that on my to do list because otherwise I tend to find myself curled up in a corner muttering about how we are all living in a computer simulation.

Yes, determining if we are living in a computer simulation is on my to do list. Right now I’m concerned that the ultimate programmer is worse at writing code than I am.)

Anyway, I will say that taking ten minutes a day to sit in silence and try to clear my head has been useful. Not that I ever make it through all ten minutes uninterrupted but at least I am making that time for myself. It’s helped my mood and my anxiety is slightly better. The most interesting thing so far is that it seems to have helped me fall asleep faster. It’s been a lot easier to quiet my mind at night and fall asleep which is a wonder for someone who has dealt with endless nights of thoughts racing through my head. So, haven’t reached nirvana yet but it has at least shown some benefits.


Have a good weekend everyone. 

Send in the clowns...

I figured that I would share the scariest picture that I could find tonight. I’m pretty sure it can’t be beat. The depressing circular tables, the unergonomic chairs and the horrifying ennui of a little used hotel conference room.

Oh, and the clowns. Definitely the clowns. There is no way in the world that the second one on the left hasn’t left a few bodies hastily disposed of in a forest.

I’m not sure if the intense fear of clowns is new or just something I’ve become more aware of over the years. My grandmother collected little clown figurines and I have a few of hers on my desk at home as a reminder of her. It’s really tough for me to view clowns as scary in that regard. They just remind me of grandma’s house.

This picture, on the other hand…

I think there are a few reasons why clowns terrify people. Some of it must go back to childhood birthday parties where this giant person in outrageous makeup and costume acts crazy in front of you and instead of finding it funny you have no idea how to react because this thing is the exact opposite of everything that you have encountered in your entire life. Also, your average birthday clown isn’t particularly funny and balloon animals are highly overrated.

,

In my mind what makes people scared of clowns is that there makeup and costume makes them impossible to read. They are so outlandish and noticeable that our minds can’t grasp their motivations. The white makeup erases your ability to focus on any facial expressions other than the big red nose. The wigs freak you out because of the fact that they clearly are wigs and it puts them in that uncanny valley between people and pictures. Add in the baggy, oversized clothing that drives you to insane thoughts about what might be hiding amongst the folds and you have the stuff of nightmares.

So just remember tonight that in the Ramada off that highway exit that you’ve never seen anyone actually take, in a back corner conference room reserved for a “Cereal Convention” this scene is taking place. Beware.

The enormity of tiny actions

Occasionally on Facebook I will reach out to someone I haven’t talked to in years. Inevitably I start off by saying, “I apologize if I was ever an asshole to you in the past. I didn’t mean to but it is only recently that I’ve realized that the way I view myself and the ways others view me is not always the same thing.”

This opening may also be why most people don’t reply back. That and the fact that getting in touch via Facebook is so 2008…

Anyway, as I have gotten older I’ve realized just how clueless we are in understanding the role we play in other people’s lives. We all view ourselves as the hero of our own story with the camera constantly focused on us and us alone. Since we are the focus of our own lives it just seems natural that others would view things the same way. I think the first time most people really understand the disconnect is that first unrequited crush where the other person is your everything but to them you are nothing but a passing glance.

Even with that knowledge we still walk around oblivious to the fact that what we do impacts others. I’m only now realizing that things that I said that I felt were jokes that played off my dry and dark sense of humor were just viewed by other people as being mean. (I’ve also realized that many of my jokes aren’t nearly as funny as I thought they were though I still feel that is because I am too cutting edge. I’m just working on a different level, man.) I’m trying to keep in mind that what I say or do can have an impact on someone else even if I have no intention or knowledge of it. We are all the heroes of our own lives while alternating between villains and supporting characters and extras in those around us and we are never quite sure where we are being cast.

Still, it is important to remember the difference you can make in someone’s life through an action that is small.

Ages ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and my Commodore 64 was the epitome of technology, I was part of a teenage Catholic youth retreat in Chicago. One of those events where you put a lot of teens together and tell them that they are our future without giving them any guidance or even an explanation that the future is going to need a lot of work due to the mistakes that everyone else made in the past. Being a teenager who is aware of the future is like the person walking into the house the morning after the party. You can see that everyone had a lot of fun last night but you are going to be the one on their hands and knees scrubbing the vomit off of the tile floor before mom comes home.

Anyway, I will never forget one thing that happened to me at this event. We were all supposed to go around to various people and pray with them. It sounds odd to start and add a bunch of teenagers who don’t know each other and you can just feel the awkwardness rising. Surprisingly, I never seemed to have a problem with this. I did what I was told, completed the exercise, and was waiting for the next step when near the end this girl grabbed me and asked if I would pray with her. I was going to mutter something about how I had already done one of these but decided to be nice and listen. Which is pretty much all I did. I sat there and listened and paid attention.

After everyone was done they went around and asked people to talk about their experiences. We’re talking about a room of several hundred people so it was easy to just fade into the background and disappear. You’re just a face in the crowd. Except once I realized that the girl I just prayed with was coming up to the microphone I suddenly wasn’t. And when she explained how she walked around for minutes, terrified about coming up to some stranger and talking to them and how at the last minute she turned to this one guy who looked nice and was stunned to find that he listened and cared about what she had to say made her completely rethink what people can be.

I was stunned because I had no idea I had this impact.

I don’t remember her name. I don’t think I ever knew her name. What she said was probably the greatest compliment anyone has ever given me in my entire life. What I did may have been the nicest act I’ve ever done and I was oblivious to it. I’ll never forget it though. People never forget how you make them feel.

Still battling, different current

In a week or so this blog will be fourteen years old, which would either make it a very old eighth grader or a very young freshman in high school. Fall birthdays are the worst no matter how you cut it.

I started writing Battling the Current because I was confounded by where I had found myself in life. I was living in Kansas City with few friends, a job that wasn’t very satisfying, no social life to speak of and an overwhelming feeling that I was struggling against this flow of mediocrity and boredom that was driving me to bitterness. Hence the title, I was battling the current state of my life and the world around me.

(Funny sidebar. I started writing in November 2004 because I was so upset about politics and Bush being reelected. Remember when that was the worst thing that anyone could imagine in politics? Do you know what I would give right now to go back to that time? Hell, do you know what I would give to just not be appalled by watching the news every day?)

Anyway, so I started posting five nights a week about whatever was on my mind. It turned into a mix of pop culture analysis and bar stories with a disturbing level of focus on the daily activities of Lindsay Lohan. What it really captured was my life in my early 30’s as I tried to figure out who I was, what I was supposed to do with my life and find someone who would be willing to share the journey with me. The blog ended up being what I deemed vaguely successful. I had an actual readership; stunned that people I didn’t know read it and horrified that people I knew read it as well. It’s a wonderful little time capsule of my life.

Then a funny thing happened. I actually found all of those things that I was searching for.

Ok, that is not entirely true. I don’t think anyone ever figures out the fullness of their life, especially in their 30’s, but my life made a spectacular turn. Mainly, I finally met the woman of my dreams. Met her again to be more precise but this time we were at the right time in our lives and suddenly all of those late nights at bars talking to random women were replaced with, well, married life. And the blog slowly faded away…

There were a lot of reasons. Most of my focus was on marriage and my job and I had always kept a hard and fast rule to never write about either. Life grew busier and busier and I could barely find time to think, much less spend time each night writing about reality television. Some of my luck in life changed and to quote the Drive By Truckers I was spending most of my time trying to keep it in between the ditches. It was hard for me to find time to write and even when I did I couldn’t go back to writing the way I did before.

But the thing is I really need to write. I feel much better when I do and it is much easier for me to express myself through a keyboard than out loud (though my grammar will always leave much to be desired). And I think I have figured out what to write about and what my goal is going to be this time around.

My plan is just to write about the little things in life. Some bits of beauty or joy or laughter or just thoughts about the world that hit me. Sure there may be some pop culture commentary in there but I hope to keep things light and positive. Everything around us is so dark and caustic and it is so easy to find ourselves drawn into the muck. My goal is to stay away from politics and far, far away from hatred and just focus on the good that is around us. Toss in some old story ideas as well along with some music suggestions because that was always one of my favorite parts of the blog.

The main thing is that I’m going to keep these posts short. I’m borrowing this whole idea from my favorite author Jonathan Carroll whose book The Crow’s Dinner is basically a compilation of pieces like I just described. In fact, I will be using a lot of pictures and quotes that he has shared online because they inspire me. But the main thing is that I’m not going to focus on hitting a word count or a readership level or anything more than writing about some of the beauty around us.

We will see how far this goes. I can’t guarantee anything but it might be nice to have a corner of the internet to myself again.

Test of the Emergency Blogging System

This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender gazes down at him and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper looks up at the bartender in confusion and says quizzically "You have a drink named Steve?"

This has been a test of the Emergency Blogging System. If this was actual content it....it....probably would be very similar.