New Year's Eve Eve

Ok, so it’s New Year’s Eve Eve and I am stuck in my annual dilemma. Unless something changes quickly, I will be spending another New Year’s Eve alone. That is a bit of a problem. It’s not like being alone on Valentine’s Day, which is awful in and of itself but at least that is typically like a Tuesday night where you can lock yourself in your apartment, listen to The Smiths, and pretty much wail on about your miserable life. Or maybe that’s just me. But anyway, tomorrow is both New Year’s Eve and a Friday night and I have no idea what I’m going to be doing.

Adding to the problem is the fact that it is amateur night and I turned professional a long time ago. I didn’t pull a Lebron James and go pro out of high school but it was pretty close. So while hanging out with a couple of fun drunks is cool, hanging out with a whole bar full of them, including a whole bunch of people who act as if they have never tasted alcohol before (compounded by the fact that they are most likely from Kansas and have in fact, never tasted alcohol before) and it doesn’t make for the most fun experience possible. So we have to factor that into the equation as well.

(Oh, and there might be cover charges and despite the fact that I know enough bartenders I still might have to pay and I have a slight problem with that because this is you know, Kansas City and not New York. It’s not like I’m paying for the chance of running into Paris Hilton or anything. Though there is a reality show that needs to be filmed.)

So, I’m going to leave it up to the readers of the blog to throw out there suggestions for what I should do tomorrow night. Do I go out to the bars and try to have fun by myself? Do I look for someone by themselves at midnight and hope for the best? Do I see a concert, which will at least make me feel a little better about myself? Or do I stay home and wallow in self-pity? Wow, that last option sounds so exciting, doesn’t it. Anyway, I’m open to any and all suggestions. Go nuts, if it is interesting enough I just might try it.

Oh well, I’m still going to be going out in a few hours and relaxing away the last few hours of 2004. It’s a year that I won’t be complaining to see go by. Next year is going to be a lot better for me. I’ve just got a good feeling about it.

(Oh and a preview of what is going to be posted over the next few days. I’m going to be posting my 2004 concert reviews and 2004 book reviews, a list of everything that I have seen and read over the past year. Should be an interesting list. Plus, the profile will finally be updated. Should be cool.)

Gen X musings

As most people have probably figured out, I am an unabashed member of Generation X. The small generation, the cynical generation, the slacker generation. But in my mind, we are the group that throughout it all has remained true to ourselves. (As opposed to the baby boomers, who will tell you how they saved the world and then complain about the state of the youth today and complain about how dumb they are. Excuse me, but weren’t you the ones that were supposed to be teaching the next generation? Oh I’m sorry, you were too busy at Studio 54 listening to Donna Summer songs to you know, teach my friends how to count. Thanks. When we cancel social security you’ll know why.)

Here is what I mean when I say that we remained true to ourselves. We always knew that we were going to lose the culture wars. We’re too small of a generation, we didn’t have the buying power to sustain any type of pop culture movement. Plus, we are not a generation that would ever buy in to a huge movement. Gen X is a group of individuals who pretty much feel that everyone should do their own thing and if something is popular that probably means that the kid who sat next to you in high school with slightly more brain capacity than a turnip likes it so you by definition can’t like it or you’d be just like him. You can’t have the alternative movement be the mainstream.

Everyone knew that when Nirvana broke that our moment in the sun was going to be very fleeting. Once the alternative was popular you would soon seen the corporate imitators (hey everybody, remember Silverchair?) and then the inevitable baby boomers wearing flannel. Within five years of Smells Like Teen Spirit the Spice Girls were at the top of the charts. And I’m not sure if that surprised anyone, really.

But I don’t think that Gen X every really gave up on what it holds dear. We have always been a generation that defines itself through our individual actions. We don’t define ourselves on money or power (greed is good is the baby boomers again, who never remember that part when they talk about flower power), we look to what is important to us whether that is music or art or religion or the environment. And with that I think that we’ve remained true. Sure, we may have gotten jobs and put away the flannel but we are all still slackers at heart. We know that the world is fake and that we are the last real ones left. We’re just going to hold on to the last remnants of what is real. It could be a Wilco concert or an art show or an independent film. Just something that is real. Made by people and not corporations with a message that wasn’t built for a target audience but was what the artist felt at that instant in time. That is what Gen X still embraces.

When people talk about the downfall of American culture (and I’m not arguing with them for the most part), don’t blame Generation X. We’re all that is left of what is true. Blame the boomers, blame Gen Y for making Brittney Spears a star, but remember that when our music ruled the airways it was unique.

Canceled Regional Morning TV Shows

Since it's halftime and I'm in a bad mood and in no way will I be creative tonight, I figured that I'd go back to my old standby "Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans". Real material tomorrow, I promise.

Canceled Regional Morning TV Shows

• Hot Coffee Thrown in Houston's Face
• The Fort Wayne Morning Shed
• Shame on You, Denver!
• Why Won't You Love Me, Cincinnati?
• A.M. Terrified Grin Detroit
• The Ghost of Anwar Sadat Inexplicably Haunts Tacoma
• Wake the Hell Up, Knoxville
• Please, Phoenix, Let's Never Speak of This Again
• Uncomfortable Portland Morning with the Sweaty Guy
• I'm Sick of You, Wichita. I'm Sick of You and I'm Sick of Your Shit
• Billings Might As Well Be Dead
• Boston Morning With Stabby and Shouty
• Orlando Angst
• I Said Wake the Hell Up, Knoxville! Jesus!
• Percodan-Free Pittsburgh
• Get Off Me, Atlanta!
• Crispin Glover's Biloxi Morning Zoo
• Johnny Cocktail's Salt Lake City Morning Lounge
• What's the Point, Duluth?
• God Hates Anchorage. He Told Me.
• Bryant Gumble is Pissed Off Again, New York
• Knoxville, I'm Going To Whup Your Ass If You Don't Wake Up!
• Good Morning, Indiancrapolis

Hey, at least I achieved my goal of getting a Crispin Glover reference into the blog

Reality matches our expectations

Every once in a while I will try to write about philosophy, which is difficult since I never had a class on the subject. If I try to sound official anyone can shoot a hole in one of my theories in about five seconds. So instead I try to do it as part of a story. I have a few of these lying around and I intend on writing more. Anyway, here is one conversation between Richard and Brian, two of my stock characters, as they try to understand the universe. Enjoy.


“Have you ever studied history, Brian. I mean, really thought about the past” Richard asked slowly looking down at his beer bottle.”
“Not really. I mean, I went through the stuff at school. It was all about dead kings and wars in places I was never going to visit.”
“See, isn’t that strange. You grow up thinking that the past is meaningless because it is nothing like today. You never bother to ask the question why is today so different.”
“Well, besides technological advances and everything.”
“That’s my point. Technology has destroyed our view of the past. Can you imagine a time without computers or airplanes or cars. A time when if you needed cash you went to the bank and cashed a check, not walk into a drug store and bitch about the ATM surcharges. We have no view of a time which isn’t today.”
“I don’t know if that is such a bad thing.”
“It has to be. I’ve been thinking, I’ve been doing a lot more of that since my cable went out. Everyone just assumes that we live in a natural state, as if man was always meant to be in space and listen to music in 20 channel stereo sound. Maybe that isn’t true. Maybe we were always meant to work with our hands and ride horses and never move more than fifty miles from the place where we were born. It’s like everything we experience today is just assumed to be correct because we never bother to ask whether it is wrong or not.”
“We accept the universe that is around us is the proper one. Reality matches our expectations.”
“That’s a pretty deep thought from you.”
“Thanks, stole it from the Truman Show. I’m beginning to base my entire philosophy on Jim Carrey movies. Still, not all society based conventions are that bad. Take love for instance.”
“What, how is love an invention.”
“Ok, it may not have been created but why do kids and fools and the lonely fall in love. Because for centuries we have had poetry and love songs and have been told how noble it is and how pure true love can be. Back in the glorious past you had courtly love where you dedicated your life to someone you saw only three times in your entire life. Don’t you remember your Dante?”
“Long book with lots of poetry which doesn’t rhyme.”
“True, but that still doesn’t change my point that human beings do not advance towards a natural state. A natural state is a monkey, a human being is someone who fits a society, who has norms and ideals and a belief. Still, the ATM surcharges are insane, sometimes the feudal system looks good in comparison.”

The next five...

(Ok something I have to get off my chest right away. Do people who go to airports ever think for five seconds that they are going to airports and you know, might be asked to go through security? Is it that difficult to make your way through the line? Or listen to the guy saying that you have to take your coat off? And do people actually believe that by yelling at the clerk working at the gate that the plane will actually get there faster? Seriously, people really need to be a lot more zen when they travel around the holidays.)

As anyone who has been reading this obviously knows, I am a huge music geek. It has its plusses and its minuses. On one hand, I can talk about music with pretty much anyone on the planet and find one band or one genre that we are both fans of and that is pretty cool. On the other hand, anyone who looks over my cd collection will always find a couple of cds that they make them go, “Oh my God, I can’t believe that you listen to that?” And in some instances, then promptly break up with me.

That is one of the hazards of never throwing anything away. I’ve ended up with this massive cd collection that while impressive has a lot of cds that I haven’t listened to in years. A couple are classics that can’t be thrown away. I might not listen to The Joshua Tree on a regular basis but it has to stay in the collection. Others have apparently shown up in my collection and for the life of me I can not recall buying them. And in some instances, mainly the Paula Cole cd but a few others as well, I blame my old Canadian girlfriend. Because there is no way in the world that I would buy a Paula Cole cd for myself, right? I mean, seriously, how could I look at myself in the morning knowing that I have that sitting in my collection next to the Cowboy Junkies on purpose?

But recently I’ve decided that I should do something to make myself listen to all of this great music that is hidden away in my cd collection. Since everything that I own is in an excel spreadsheet (what did I say, I’m a music geek), all I need to do is run a simple random number generator and every week I select five cds at random to listen on my commute to work. Yeah, I have no shame in admitting this. It keeps me from having to listen to the same music over and over again (and trust me, take what you imagine KC radio would be like and make it worse. And then worse again. And still a little more. That’s what KC radio is like.) Anyway, here is what the computer has chosen for this week.

Jeff Buckley “Grace”: On the list of future blog postings, my examination of the life of Jeff Buckley and what his music has done for me is very high on my list of things to write. It will be posted sometime next month.

Cowboy Mouth “All You Need is Live”: A great live album from a great live band. The drummer is either the most upbeat, positive guy on the planet or he is freebasing Prozac. Still, as a music critic once said, “On a bad night, they are the best band that you have ever seen. On a good night, they’ll save your soul.”

Continental Drifters “Continental Drifters”: Another cool New Orleans band, featuring one of the Bangles. Not Susanna Hoffs, though. (Admittedly, I’m not sure how long anyone could take being a musician and being constantly asked, “Hey, weren’t you in the Bangles? Play Walk Like an Egyptian.”)

Waco Brothers “Electric Waco Chair”: The rowdiest country band formed by a bunch of former British punk rockers who tend to do shots of tequila between songs. Another band I’ll just have to write about one of these days.

Ryan Adams “Rock and Roll”: Has more talent than he knows what to do with. Has live shows that are either brilliant or a train wreck. Just remember, if you see him in concert you have to request “Summer of ‘69”. Trust me, he loves that request.

Those are the five for the week. I’ll post this on occasion, whenever I get an interesting random five or when I am really hard pressed to find something to write about. Which might make this a weekly feature but I’ll try not to.

Holiday traditions

Since it is the season, I figured that I might share one of my family traditions. One that has been continuing non-stop on a yearly basis for over twenty years. One that I am sure is repeated in numerous households across the land. It is, of course, the argument over how to set up the nativity scene.

Here’s the story. Since my sister is the oldest, she has always been in charge of putting together the nativity scene that we’ve had for as long as I’ve been alive. That was fine of course but as an inquisitive little guy I would look at it and ponder it for a little while. Over time, I became more and more upset until finally I asked my sister a very important question.

“Why are the camels on the outside?”

“Because they came late and wouldn’t be allowed inside.”

“But that doesn’t make any sense. They let the sheep stay inside. The cow is sitting there doing nothing. There’s even a horse next to Joseph. And I bet if a penguin showed up he would get a place of honor. So why do we discriminate against the camels?”

“It just looks better that way.”

For the next twenty years it has become an annual tradition for my sister to put together the nativity scene and for myself to rearrange it and give the camels their rightful place inside the stable. And then have my sister rearrange them back to the original position. It doesn’t matter that we’re now older and that I should officially refer to my sister as doctor, this is one of those arguments that will not die.

Of course, that is what makes the holidays special. Those little events that become family lore. Traditions that aren’t created by either Coca-Cola or the Hallmark Corporation. The real events are what make this time of year special. So to all of those out there reading this little note, have a happy holidays.

Random thoughts

This is going to be another one of those housekeeping entries where I answer a couple of recent questions, go off on a few rants, and basically try to deal with the fact that my plan for the night went out the window because The Amazing Race wasn’t on at 8 like I thought it was going to be.

On the Perfect Mate list comments: I’m not going to hold it against Kate Beckinsale that she’s a mom. I don’t hold it against Gwyneth Paltrow and she named her kid Apple. (You get to do that when you’re rich and famous. They won’t be made fun of at school because of their parents. Now, if one of us was named Apple we wouldn’t make it past third grade). What bugs me about Kate is that she is going so Hollywood and is beginning to look more and more like she’s made of plastic and that is just awful. A complete waste of talent and beauty. She’s greatly in danger of being replaced by Cate Blanchett on the list.

And if Martina Hingis was born in Czechoslovakia to Czechoslovakian parents that makes her Czech in my book. When I move to Australia I won’t become Australian, right? Though I am always amazed at the number of Czech supermodels in the world. Makes me question why my grandfather left the old country. Well, other than to avoid forty plus years of totalitarian regimes. And I don’t care what anyone says, I’d date Natalie Portman in an instant. Even if she is more liberal than me.

Mini Concert Review: Went to see Charlie Robison at the Grand Emporium over the weekend. Good show, nice size crowd, had a good time. I’m not really interested in talking about the show, what I really want to talk about is the venue.

When I moved to KC I was told that the Grand Emporium was the best place to see music in the town. That’s what all the magazines said, that’s what all the buzz said. Went there and saw a small, dark, dingy place. Concert posters from thirty years ago lined the walls, still with their original staples, all faded yellow due to years of cigarette smoke. What chairs and tables there were looked like they would fall apart if you breathed on them, much less put any weight on them. You didn’t even want to look at the floor, if you didn’t go out wearing your bar shoes you should just consider your feet a lost cause. And the beer was cheep and came out of the original tap. As in the first tap ever made.

In short, I loved the place. Great sound system, plenty of atmosphere, and you could get right next to the band. Saw a few shows there and had a good time. But it was sold to new owners who shut it down for a few months and have now reopened the new Grand Emporium. Looks the same from the outside but the inside is totally different.

The bar now has row upon row of glass shelves reaching to the ceiling. It’s to the point where you want to order something on the top shelf just to see if they’d get a ladder to pick up the bottle. Everything is clean and sleek. Grey countertops, Danish inspired wooden chairs and tables, a tile floor that they’ve actually mopped. A back room with couches and comfy chairs. Five bucks for one beer. In short, hell on earth. At least they kept the stage the same.

It’s tough to explain how a change in design has completely ruined the place. The sound is the same and I can stand next to the stage as always but the entire atmosphere has been ruined. See, when you’re paying ten bucks to see a good band from Texas you don’t want it to be a nice environment. You want it to be gritty and dirty and you especially want it to feel like there has been music played constantly on this stage for thirty years. It gives it a sense of place and permanency. Clean it up and it is just another bar. There just is no there there.

I’ve got the same problem with the House of Blues. They try to create a gritty feel while keeping it clean. There has to be a sense of danger when you listen to music. That feeling that you really don’t know what is going to happen next. Sanitize it and you might as well stay home and listen to a CD. So please, next time you go to a concert, mess the place up a little. Cause a little chaos. The band will sound better.

Perfect Mate: 2004 Edition

And now, the exciting conclusion to the Perfect Mate saga. Here is my current list and I’ll present it in countdown format. Again, the idea is if I got a call tomorrow from one of these women saying, “Hi, I’d like to spend the rest of my life with you.” I would say yes without even blinking. And then promptly pass out. Or start looking for cameras because I would obviously be on Punk’d. But here is the new list

10) Kate Beckinsale (Actress: The Last Days of Disco, Serendipity, Pearl Harbor, Van Helsing)
A long time favorite British actress. Beautiful, intelligent, won a prestigious British writing contest at 16 and has now started this unnerving habit of starring in just abysmal big budget movies. By going Hollywood on me she has fallen a few notches. Please Kate, do independent films. No one wants to see Underworld 2. Not even the people who made the first one.

9) Beth Orton (Singer)
Of people I want to see in concert but haven’t, Beth is tops on my list. She has this perfectly flawed voice that I just adore. You know how someone like Celine Dion can have this perfect voice that makes every song she sings instantly forgettable because there is nothing there? Beth is the opposite. There are inflections and flaws and interpretations that stay with you for days. Also, I give high marks to anyone who breaks up with Ryan Adams in such a way that Ryan had to write a five-minute song explaining how much she meant to him, putting it on his new album, and still failing miserably. Check out her music, just one super cool human being.

8) Martina Hingis (Retired tennis player)
Look, I can do one of these for money, right? Wouldn’t have to work a day in my life and get to marry a nice Czech girl and make my family happy. I’ll deal with the diva side of the equation later.

7) Parker Posey (Actress in about a thousand indie films)
The fabled indie It Girl. Who Ryan Adams ended up dating after breaking up with Beth Orton (what can I say we have the same tastes and sadly, a lot of the same vices). Incredibly talented actress who just has that killer ironic Generation X intelligence and style. There aren’t many of us left who will gladly claim to be members of Gen X so we need to stick together.

6) Gwyneth Paltrow (Actress: Shakespeare in Love, Sliding Doors)
For the record, the dude in Coldplay goes down as the luckiest bastard on the face of the Earth for this one. Seriously, you get to front a major rock band, do you also have to get one of the most beautiful women on the planet? Isn’t there some sense of justice in the world? Come on, she’s tall, blonde, beautiful, talented, and literate, completely out of my league. I’ll just move on.

5) Kirsten Dunst (Actress: Spider Man, The Virgin Suicides, The Cat’s Meow)
Ok, this might be influenced by the fact that I watched Spider-Man 2 like three times this weekend. Which will bring up the inevitable weakness for redheads again. But is there a better girl next-door type out there right now? She also has some serious acting skills and knows how to pick the right parts. Pretty much a no brainer.

4) Neko Case (Singer)
A first on this list, I’ve actually met Neko a few times. Great alt-country singer out of Chicago by way of Vancouver. Great songs, unbelievable voice, wicked sense of humor, and she has this habit of in between songs twisting her long hair behind her head in an effort to get it out of her eyes only to have it fall right back into her face five seconds into the next song. She’s done this for years now. I’m strangely fascinated by it. There is a slight chance that the song “Train from Kansas City” on her new album is about me. Ok, no chance but it is fun to dream every once in a while.

3) Kelly Willis (Singer)
Another person I’ve met and she is hands down the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever met in my life. This is a true story. When I first saw her play I had no idea who she was other than some singer out of Austin. Decided to give her one song to win me over. Standing right in front of her I watched her play one song and my immediate reaction was, “I’m going to marry her, before the encore if possible.” Oh well, she’s married to one of the best songwriters on the planet. Still, I’ve gotten chills just watching her sing. It might be country music but check it out.

2) Natalie Portman (Actress: the bad Star Wars movies, Beautiful Girls)
I’m not sure if there is a cooler, smarter, more talented, more alluring actress working today. Her talent is frightening (watch Beautiful Girls, at 14 she is out acting an entire ensemble of Gen X actors). Goes to Harvard I think in between trying to make something out of George Lucas’ inane scripts. Has that mysterious look about her that fascinates me. Also has that one quality that I look for above all others, I have no doubt that I would never be bored talking to her.

1) Julie Delpy (Actress: Before Sunset)
Finally putting right what was wrong in the first list. Yes, she’s a French actress who speaks almost perfect English. Yes, I’ve had to read a lot of subtitles watching her movies but it is worth it. Extremely talented actress who has gotten better with age. When I write my review of Before Sunset and explain why it is the best movie of the year I’ll explain more of just how incredible she is. But I need to state something right now. If there is any justice in the world, if the universe would ever decide to start paying me back for all of my good deeds recently, she will get the female lead in The DaVinci Code. The female lead is a French woman in her 30’s with red hair. Julie has already said that she’d dye her hair for the role. Please, can’t the universe go my way just once?


So that’s the new list. All over the board but when you view the list as a whole it probably tells a lot of things about me, some that I probably shouldn’t reveal. Do I expect any of these women to sit down next to me at a bar, talk to me for a few hours, and then ask me to marry them? No, of course not. But it’s nice to have a picture in my mind of what I’m looking for when I make that trek out every weekend searching for my real Perfect Mate.

Perfect Mate: 1996 Edition

As I promised last week, today I present the concept of the Perfect Mate. We’ll split this into two parts, today I’ll present my original Perfect Mate list (from way back in February 1996) and tomorrow I’ll present the latest and greatest list. But first, here is the concept.

It’s pretty simple, really. Name the ten people who you would marry in a second, no questions asked. The important thing is that when I say marry I mean til death to you part. You will spend the next sixty years of your life with this person. You will end up sitting in matching reclining chairs watching television and when you turn your head, there she will be. There is a good chance that at some point one of you is going to be wearing Depends and you will have to deal with it. So, you have to choose wisely because you will be spending every day of the next sixty years of your life with this person.

Obviously, who you choose tells a lot about who you are. It should show exactly what you are looking for in life on all levels. I’ve still known people to put Pamela Anderson on their list, which really shows a focus on the present rather than the future. But hey, maybe some guys just want to spend the rest of their life with someone that they can’t expose to an open flame for fear of melting. Who am I to judge?

So, here is my original list, taken directly from an email I sent to a buddy of mine in February 1996. I mean it, I actually still have a copy of the print out. That might say more about me than the list itself. Anyway, I’m going to include my original comments and what I say now. So lets go back to 1996 when alternative rock still existed, MTV played videos and a young EC was still trying to figure out what he was supposed to be doing with his life.

1) Emma Thompson (Actress in Howard’s End, Dead Again, Sense and Sensibility)
What I said then: She’s in her 30’s, British, beautiful, funny and intelligent. Would always keep me fascinated.
What I say now: Incredibly, I think she would now be too old for me. Yeah, that doesn’t make much sense to me either. However, she’s always been that great combination of intelligence, humor and surprising good looks that just hooks me immediately. Plus, any actress who can win an Oscar for her writing is always going to rank high in my book.

2) Jennifer Jason Leigh (Actress in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Single White Female, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle)
What I said then: Short, dark haired intense actress who has this beautiful way of holding herself as if she is answering life’s great questions while she’s sitting around.
What I say now: First thing, when I made this list I had watched like six of her movies in a row, which explains her ranking. Completely underrated as an actress by everyone outside of film geeks. Is still really intense and I’d think she’d stay on this list only if she was actually continuously portraying Dorothy Parker. But that is an entry for another day.

3) Sarah McLachlan (Singer)
What I said then: Tall dark haired Canadian. If I ever became a poet I’d marry her.
What I say now: For the record, I would like to state that I made this list before Lillith Fair even existed so I deserve some props for my pop culture foresight. That said, she shouldn’t have cut her hair. Biggest mistake outside of Keri Russell on Felicity. Would also be nice if she recorded a new album more than once every five years. Oh well, I still haven’t become a poet so I can’t complain, can I?

4) Meg Ryan (Actress in more films than I care to mention)
What I said then: Who wouldn’t marry her?
What I say now: Wow, has she fallen off the radar screens. Think about it, when was the last time you went to see a Meg Ryan movie? Or looked forward to going to one? It’s like a disappearing act. But, for that 1988 to 1995 timespan, she gets Perfect Mate Hall of Fame status.


5) Julie Delpy (Actress: Before Sunrise, Killing Zoe, An American Werewolf in Paris)
What I said then: French actress with this angelic, intellectual quality to her
What I say now: Come back tomorrow because she is still on the list. With a much better ranking. What was I thinking back then? No way should she rank behind Sarah McLachlan.

6) Juliette Binoche (Actress: Unbearable Lightness of Being, The English Patient, Chocolat)
What I said then: Eyes that can melt you in an instant.
What I say now: Again, for the record I made this list before she won an Oscar in The English Patient. Pretty much any movie that she is in is going to be good, at least from a movie critics perspective. As you can tell, I was watching a lot of foreign movies at this time in my life.

7) Tori Amos (singer)
What I said then: Gorgeous, would use me for six months and then throw me away.
What I say now: As I instructed my clone, you will have a weakness for redheads. A great musician as long as she doesn’t go too far off the deep end. Still like her, though her music has gone in a direction that I am not too fond of but she’ll probably always be pretty high on my list.

8) Tea Leoni (Actress currently starring in Spanglish with Adam Sandler and man, I wouldn’t have bet that I would be writing that sentence 8 years ago)
What I said then: Very good comedic actress. I’ll probably make more money than she will
What I say now: She married David Duchoveny and makes a lot more money than me by being in Adam Sandler pictures. If anyone remembers the Fox show Flying Blind (a one season show from back in maybe 93) that is why she was on the list. Now if I can get a DVD collection of Saved by the Bell why can’t I get a collection of this?

9) Kat from the Real World: London
What I said then: Watch the reruns of the show and you will instantly see me with my arm around her.
What I say now: See my dream Real World cast from earlier this month. I think I read that she is working on Fear Factor now, which means that reality television has become a profession in the last ten years. That’s a really frightening thought.

10) Liz Phair (Singer)
What I said then: Got to put one Chicagoan on the list
What I say now: See The Aging of Alternative Nation, yet another post on the blog. I’ll always consider Liz to be the cool older sister of my best friend, ever present but always unattainable. And that’s a place of honor, honestly.


So that’s the old list. Yes, I winced at a few of them (and you didn’t see some of the old comments that I’ve edited out. My God, I can’t believe I actually wrote some of that stuff. But I am so much a different person than I was back in 96 it is like reading someone else’s writing). Like I said, the list tells a lot about what you are looking for in life. Tomorrow, the new list. I’m sure you’ll all be on the edge of your seats. Well, except for the people who will be emailing me to tell me how horrible an idea this is, there are always a few out there that feel that way.

Forgotten TV Shows: Volume 1

Today I am going to begin what will become an ongoing series here on “Battling the Current”: reminiscing about the forgotten television shows of my youth. It’s going to be like VH1’s I Love the 90’s, except I won’t be feeling nostalgic for events that happened five years ago. So to start, I’d like to harken back to one of the most important shows of my youth…

3-2-1 Contact

Aw come on, I know everyone out there remembers this. It was the PBS show you watched when you grew too old for Sesame Street and they took The Electric Company and Zoom off the air (both of which deserve remembrance in their own right). Talk about a concept show. A couple of kids hanging around without any supervision doing science experiments. Again, this is kind of what I thought life would be like when I was nine years old, just hanging around with people learning stuff. Look, I never said I was a normal nine year old.

There was just something cool about a show that taught you about how the world worked. There certainly wasn’t anything fancy about it. I don’t remember any moments or topics off the top of my head, other than the ever present topics on space and astronauts, which were the equivalent of porn to a nine year old EC. It just made me think that science was really cool and that one of the things that you should do in life is understand what is really going on around you. See all of the wonder in the complexity of the world. Sure, it didn’t teach me calculus but it definitely taught me how to think. Of course, there are two things about the show that everyone remembers.

First is the trip to a KISS concert to show how they did all the lighting and pyrotechnics, which was seriously cutting edge for a kids show on PBS. I still remember learning how they put the different colored gels on the lights to create different effects and how they showed that by using them on the girl with the long dark hair on the show. It was like we’ll show the kids just how cool it is to be a rock star and how cool it is to just work on the show. It just legitimized the entire spectacle of rock and roll and made me believe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with being a rock music fan. I mean, if they’re showing KISS on educational television there must be absolutely nothing wrong with my listening to Men at Work albums.

(Ok, there was a thousand things wrong with my listening to Men at Work albums (other than gaining an appreciation of Australian culture). It’s not like you expect to have taste in music at that age.)

And who can forget The Bloodhound Gang? “Bloodhound Detective Agency, Mr. Bloodhound isn’t here.” Kids going around solving crimes for their unseen boss. It was like Charlie’s Angels except without the scantily clad women. Which is kind of a bummer now that I think about it. Anyway, how awesome was this. Cliffhangers, plot lines, the teaching of detective techniques. This is probably why I watch CSI and Law and Order, I’m just trying to regain that buzz from watching the Bloodhound Gang solve a crime by realizing that the identical twins would have different fingerprints and using that to catch the evil twin (I swear to God, I know that was one of the episodes). I’m sorry but there is no way any kid can see something that cool on television now a days, not even with 500 channels.

Next time, we’ll discuss how I obtained my sense of humor from You Can’t Do That On Television.

Bono to the Rescue

Some slightly unoriginal content tonight. (Look, it’s difficult to be creative every night given that frantic pace that is my life. Here, I’ll give you something to look forward to. Next week: EC’s Perfect Mate lists. First, the original 1996 edition and a new, never before seen, 2004 edition. Trust me, as anyone who understands the deep philosophical construct that I have formulated behind the Perfect Mate concept knows, this is something that you will not want to miss.)

Anyway, they announced the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees yesterday and what do you know, U2 got inducted. At precisely the same time as they are releasing a new album and getting ready to start a world tour. No, that’s just a coincidence, it’s not like it was planned that way. Of course not, that would be a cynical view of the world and Bono is in it for the music and not the money. Yeah, right.

Actually, I’m more pissed that the J. Geils Band didn’t make the cut. Come on, did they ever see the Centerfold video? My god, that video was heaven for a 10 year old boy with only basic cable. It was like that dream of what high school or college was going to be like, scantily clad girls dancing in a classroom. You know, the more I think about it, screw the J. Geils Band. Talk about getting someone’s expectations up. They made the rest of my life an entire let down.

(Ok, the Freeze Frame video with the band throwing paint around was also cool to a 10 year old. Sex and paint, now there is a band that knows its target audience)

Back to the point, here is a very old piece from The Onion on the man of the hour, Bono.

Bono to the Rescue

Called “rock’s conscience”, U2 frontman and political crusader Bono has met with everyone from Kofi Annan to Colin Powell. What has he been doing recently?

· Tirelessly dedicating self to ending Third World debt, no matter how many magazine covers he must appear on in process
· Restoring humanity’s faith in the power and the promise and the possibility of rock and roll
· Feeding starving Somalis by dividing single loaf into many
· Defeating Bruce Springsteen in epic, five hour earnest-off
· Vowing to lobby Congress for African aid on progressively larger Jumbotrons until demands are met
· Shouldering the burdens of a post-Sept. 11 world/buying another pair of blue-tinted wrap around shades
· Revealing that The Edge will betray him three times before cock crows
· Thinking about writing song about deliverance and redemption; also maybe one about transcendence

A history lesson

As promised yesterday, it is time to read Shakespeare. A few people know this about me, I make it a goal to read one Shakespeare play a year. A couple of reasons why: it makes me at least sound cultured, it is a completely non-engineer thing to do, and as the years go by I find that I am understanding it more and more. This year I’m reading Titus Andronicus, which has cannibalism in it. Now that would have been fun reading in high school.

But what I really want to do is write something about Shakespeare that is absolutely true. I’m not making up a word of what follows. I’ve read the research and visited Stratford-upon-Avon and have seen it with my own eyes. And I really wish I had been told this story when I was first made to read the plays in high school.

Most people know the story of Shakespeare’s wife, Anne Hathaway. Who in the will was given his second best bed, which has made its way into lore. And you might even remember that he had a daughter named Judith who ended up marrying one of the actors in his troupe. But you never hear of his son, who died at the age of eleven. But in reality everyone has heard of his son, whose name was…

Hamnet

Check any history of Shakespeare’s life. His son Hamnet dies in 1596. Hamlet is first performed four years later. The greatest character in all of his writings, the one with the most lines, the greatest speeches, and the most endearing story is tied to the life story of the writer himself. But you never hear this fact and I still don’t know why.

People are taught Shakespeare but they never really get to see the man. He’s not a human being when you learn about him in high school, he’s just this machine chugging out play after play in a language that looks like English but really isn’t. But knowing of Hamnet changes this, he’s a father who has lost a son. A father looking for a way to bring immortality to his son’s name. And he does it by writing the greatest play in the English language. That is the story that schoolchildren should learn.

There is one other part to the story. When Hamnet died Shakespeare was just a playwright, he wasn’t Shakespeare yet. So while Shakespeare and his wife and Judith are all buried inside the chapel in Stratford in a place of honor, Hamnet was buried outside the church with the location of the grave lost to history. I stood there a few years back, looking out upon all of these headstones with all of the carvings on them worn away by age knowing that somewhere out there was his lost son. And I just had these feelings of sadness and respect and awe flow over me. Through his gift and his effort Shakespeare was able to bring someone born four hundred years later and an ocean away to his gravesite to remember his life and his family and his work. Whenever you feel that what you do in life is insignificant and that nothing you do will ever make a difference, remember that. You can always change the world, you just need the courage to try.

In this very ring

I have a confession to make. I’m not proud of this, I’ve hid it from friends and family for many years. It in no way matches what I have accomplished in my life. But at the end of the day, I have to face the facts. I’m a pro wrestling fan.

(Hangs head in shame)

There’s really no way to explain it. Can’t really hide it, I mean in my DVD collection is a 3 disc compilation of Ric Flair’s greatest matches. I actually requested for Christmas one year, “Wrestling’s Bloodiest Cage Matches” and was noticeably upset when I didn’t receive it as a present. I’ve been watching since I was seven years old. Every once in a while I’ll take some time off and right now I’m only watching it occasionally but I can still tell you the top stars in a second. Which raises the ultimate question: Why?

There are a few reasons. First of all, it is the ultimate in brain dead entertainment. You know it’s fake, I know it’s fake but we can all agree to watch it as entertainment. When I watch it I don’t have to think about the state of the world or what is going on in my job. I can watch one guy beat up another guy and know that at the end of the day, odds are no one is going to be hurt. And there is a great visceral release to that act. Somewhere back in our history when we would watch each other kill wooly mammoths, this is what we did. Or harkens back to those more violent times in our history. It’s a release, plain and simple.

Plus, it is mythology in a time where no mythology exists. We have heroes and villains and anti-heroes. Those who overcome unbelievable odds and evildoers who end up being put in their place. Most of the storylines are pulled from classic myths: glory, revenge, greed, lust, they’re not stretching very far from the basics. But since we don’t have gods anymore we have to create them. And this is one way to do it.

Or maybe there is just that weird thrill you get when seeing a guy get hit in the head with a steel chair. Or thrown through a table that has been set on fire. Or hit with a barbed wire baseball bat. It’s an action movie come to life. How can you beat that?

Ok, so it’s not Shakespeare. But I can read Shakespeare tomorrow. Triple H is fighting for the title tonight.

Life as a single guy

First off, I have to give a really big shout out to my man Chris for winning Survivor: Vanuatu tonight and in my mind, claiming the mantle of Best Survivor Player Ever. Just beating out Brian (the used-car salesman and winner of Survivor: Thailand) and Richard Hatch (the winner of the original Survivor). Chris should get more points because the other two played from the lead and he played from behind the entire game. He single handedly costs his tribe the first challenge but convinces the others to keep him around. When there was a solid all female alliance and he was the last man he kept on finding a way to last one more round. And when he needed to win immunity those last few times he pulled it off. Just a killer season of the show. Next year, 20 players, which will really screw up my statistical model of the game but I’ll talk more about that some other time.

Made an interesting realization today and it’s about life as a single guy. Single guys have very specific routines to deal with the fact that they are single guys. I’m not talking about the check that the door is locked five times obsessive compulsive routines, I’m talking about the way guys deal with the fact that their mom is not going to clean up their apartment for them. And the only way a guy can survive life without that built in maid service is by creating a schedule and sticking to it.

Here’s what I’m talking about. I’ll never get the idea of “You know what, I really feel like cooking chicken tonight so I should go to the grocery store and just buy all the stuff that I need for dinner tonight.” Grocery shopping is done every other weekend, Saturday morning if I’m not hungover, Saturday afternoon otherwise. I shop in the exact same order, pick up the same items, and can tell you to almost the item what is in the fridge based on exactly how long it has been since I’ve been shopping. If I get a feeling for something different that means that it is time to go to a restaurant. Why do I do this? Because I certainly don’t trust my cooking skills to create a spur of the moment masterpiece.

Cleaning works the same way. And I’m almost certain that every guy with his own apartment (at least until he has been on Queer Eye) has this same routine. When the clothes hamper is overflowing and you can no longer shove the clothes in any farther you then wait for a weekend where there are a lot of good games on tv and you do laundry. This is done by separating the clothes on your living room floor into piles of approximately the same color. Anything that looks like it might need special care goes back in the hamper on the idea that you will get back to it later. For sweaters, later means June. You then do the random piles of laundry and watch the games. When they’re done you throw the clothes in the one laundry basket you own. At halftime, you make the decision to actually fold the clothes and match the socks, which usually means having more piles of clothes on the floor, on the dining room table and anywhere there is space. If it needs ironing, you typically decide that it is worth dry cleaning instead (and you get free hangers that way). By the time the last game ends you have a filled laundry basket in your living room. Where it stays for a good week before you decide that you might as well put the clothes away. Incredibly, without this routine I would have to buy clothes every month since it is the only way that I can actually do laundry.

All other cleaning chores work the same way. Once a month, you’ll look around the apartment and go, “God, this place is a mess” and decide to clean it up. In the exact same order every time. Which means, there is that one last room that never gets cleaned. It’s where all of the stuff that you moved out of another room ends up. The papers that are taken from the living room end up in the spare bedroom and never leave. But since it is a spare bedroom that never gets used it’s not a problem, right?

The incredible thing is that if I suddenly get the idea that my DVD collection needs to be alphabetized by genre I will do that on a moments notice. I took two hours of my day last week to alphabetize my CD collection and I was actually looking forward to that. Those are things that guys actually enjoy. Cleaning the kitchen ranks slightly below vasectomy by weed wacker on the list of things that guys want to do. So, if you ever are in my apartment (and I know a number of you are going “God forbid” but bear with me) and start to wonder why there are dishes still in the sink, a laundry basket sitting on the couch, but a stereo system has been tweaked to provide the optimum sound for individual albums with presets made for each individual album, just know that all that is is part of my grand plan for dealing with life.

Season's Greetings

Since I finally started my Christmas shopping tonight I've figured I might as well try to get everyone in the Christmas spirit. Here is a piece by the best writer on the planet, Neil Gaiman, who did use this as his Christmas card one year.

Nicholas Was...

older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Artic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves' invisible gifts by its bedside. The children slept, frozen in time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho.

Ho.

Ho.

Less Popular Board Games

Sorry, too late for original content. Instead, keeping in the Christmas spirit, here is a list of what you don't want to find under the tree in a few weeks. (Courtesy of McSweeney's Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans)

• Slumlord
• Mathemagic
• Ennui
• Chute and Chute
• Fourth Reich
• Kashlonk!
• Scott Baio's Haunted House
• Cannibal Adventure
• Really Fucking Sorry
• Tax Cheat
• Electronic Swearing Battleship
• Prostate Operation
• Spork Factory
• Rock Em Sock Em Spouses
• Gajoink!
• For the Love of God, Don't Wake Daddy!
• Pet Rock Divorce Court
• Desperation
• Abrasive Egg-Timer Challenge
• Save the Guggenheim!
• Uncle Wiggly is Dead
• Monopoly with Grape Juice All Over It and the Goddamn Chance Cards All Stuck Together

(Not sure if anyone else finds these funny but I think the idea of a game called Really Fucking Sorry is hilarious)

Quoth the engineer

“All of this is but a dream. Still, let us examine it with a few experiments.”

I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve sent with that as my ending quote. It’s almost tradition that the first time I ever email anyone that it is my ending quote. When I made my first post to the blog I felt that it would be fitting to include it in the post. I’m not sure if I’ve ever explained who said it and what I take it to mean before. So, since I am really struggling for ideas tonight I might as well attempt to spread enlightenment.

I came across the quote in the liner notes of a Billy Bragg CD. I doubt that too many people who read this (all, what, five of you) have a clue who Billy Bragg is. He’s a British folk singer, still hangs out with Michael Stipe a lot, and he was brought up in that great British coal miner socialist school of thought. He’s the only artist I’ve ever heard of whose entire purpose was ruined by the fall of the Berlin Wall. Anyway, hidden on the album “Don’t try this at home” was this gem.

It’s a quote from Michael Faraday, another name that very few people will know. Except for electrical engineers who will immediately know who I am talking about. See, Faraday is effectively the first electrical engineer. He derived one of the four fundamental laws of electromagnetics and as a result had the unit of capacitance named after him (the farad for those who desperately need to know these things). When I was floating around London at one point in my life I came across of statue of him. No lie, this is probably the only statue to an engineer in existence on this planet. Obviously, this guy is one of my idols to begin with (an engineer with a statue) and now I get this great quote.

I consider it to be the motto of my life. When you look at the world around you there is no proof that anything that you see is real. We all assume that it is because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to function. But you don’t really know. Everything is just perception and conjecture and attempts to give life a plot where one does not exist. At some point science becomes indistinguishable from magic. Read about sub-atomic particles sometimes, you’ll begin to wonder if there is any rhyme or reason to the universe. Or look at Hawking’s theory on how time will eventually flow backwards (which I will write about one of these days since it is my favorite theory in all of science). So when I look at the world it is with a sense of wonder and awe.

But just because I don’t understand it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try. And that’s the best part, I might not understand the world but I’m here and as long as I have the time I might as well make the effort to try to have this place make at least a modicum of sense. That’s my life in a nutshell, as strange as the world around me may be I’m going to try to figure it out.

Just a little insight into my quotes. Next week, I dissect Roddy Piper’s classic line, “Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions.”

Saturday night scrimmage

Back when El Ultimo Gringo was in town we had a discussion about whether or not I was actually ever talking to anyone. I’m not talking about having an Aristotelian debate on the fate of humanity; I’m just talking about meeting people. This doesn’t count the words over the water cooler at work, or joking around with a bartender, or getting attention from someone who you are technically tipping but an honest to goodness encounter. I’m not sure if last Saturday night counts but it certainly was interesting.

Decided at some point that while sitting on my couch watching Beavis and Butthead reruns was an enjoyable pastime it certainly isn’t the best way to spend my life so I made my way to my favorite bar. Didn’t have much of a game plan in mind, just figured that I’d go out and have a few beers and see what happens. Got there, said hi to all of the staff, and took my spot standing at the end of the bar.

Being a regular does have some privileges. Such as the fact that bartenders actually give me a heads up when a seat opens up at the bar. I’m not sure if that is something that I should be proud of, that I am in a place so much that I am given a preferential seat. I guess I’ll be happier when it is simply my seat and no one gets to sit there. Ever. And it even has my name on it. Guess we all have to dream.

Anyway, so I sit down and a couple of people come over and I start talking to one of the girls at the bar. Cute girl and as I’m talking to her I’m trying to figure out who the hell she reminds me of. After a few minutes it hits me, she looks like Julie Delpy (just rent Before Sunset, but let’s say this is like having a dream in front of me). I’m simultaneously happy (that I’m talking to someone), bummed (that her boyfriend is standing ten feet away) and apprehensive (because I definitely didn’t bring my A game to begin with). Still, there are three moments that definitely deserve retelling.

She’s drinking water and I’ve downed like my fourth Boulevard Wheat in an hour so everything is going fine in my side of the world. She orders a bunch of Slim Jims from the bar and gathers her friends to do a Slim Jim toast. Let me explain. The idea is that everyone takes a Slim Jim, raises them and touches them in a toast (like the Three Musketeers except not with swords but with beef jerky) and then they rip the package and, uh, “Snap into a Slim Jim”. Now, I expect that anyone reading this has a befuddled look on their face right about now. Which is exactly how all of her friends looked. I told her it was an inspired bit, so I think I at least got credit for having a similar warped sense of humor.

Of course, a pretty girl at the bar is going to attract some attention so two guys come over and start talking to her. Using a pick up line along the lines of “Do you work for Slim Jim?” I swear, at times I really think there might be hope for me in this world because I’m more sophisticated than that. To deal with the guys she goes, “Oh yeah of course. This is my manager over here.” Pointing to me, obviously.

Now, being a really nice guy who sits at a bar and doesn’t cause trouble and can provide good conversation does make me a useful commodity on occasion. Earlier this year I became a woman’s brother in order to keep the drunks away. I’ve suddenly become the boyfriend on more than a few occasions, which kind of always pissed me off when the guys went away. And once in Ireland I actually became a husband in order to make life easier for all of those involved. But I’ll have to say, no one had ever called me their manager before. Confused the hell out of the guys, “Manager of what?” they muttered as they walked away. I had to give her props on that one.

The final story is what got me. We had been talking for awhile about the classes she was taking and she mentioned work. So I of course ask what does she do.

“I’m a bartender.”

As El Ultimo Gringo said, joking with bartenders doesn’t count. I’m not sure if off-duty bartenders in a different bar changes the rule but still. What does it say that the only people I run into are bartenders? When I go to concerts I run into bartenders I know. When I’m flying back from Chicago I’m on the same flight as one of the guys from Kelly’s. And now I go to bars and hang out with bartenders. I might as well just get my license now and start serving drinks. That would of course just make all of this water cooler talk but at least it would be a more interesting office.

So an interesting night. A good scrimmage, as we like to say in football parlance. And, since I know where she works, who knows, maybe I’ll find myself a regular at yet another bar.

Waxing nostalgic

I’m kind of torn on this entire television series on DVD phenomena that has taken over Best Buy. I’ll admit I jumped on board quickly, picking up one of the first collections two years ago. (The entire series of Sports Night on DVD, which was worth it to replace the half dozen tapes I had made when they replayed it on Comedy Central). And I picked up a few others here and there, Family Guy, the Monty Python collection, a regrettable purchase of the first season of The Man Show, nothing that would be too out of the ordinary for a single guy with a lot of disposable income.

But now it’s just gotten silly. The Golden Girls on DVD? Didn’t that show have a target audience that, by definition, would probably not know how to operate a DVD player? And who precisely is clamoring for 227 episodes? Or Just Shoot Me? These are the shows that no one watches on syndication, I can’t see someone waking up one day and going, “You know what, I don’t think that I can make it through the day without having the complete series of Boy Meets World.”

I really do wonder just how many of those DVDs are ever actually watched. They are complete nostalgia purchases. You walk into Best Buy and see them and are instantly transported back into your past life. Of course I want to buy past seasons of Quantum Leap. Not because I care about the show but because I remember having huge arguments over the science behind the show in college (sorry, that’s what happens when you hang out with engineers). Or pick up My So Called Life because I remember watching it at my girlfriend’s apartment one night. It’s not the show that’s important; it’s the memories of the show.

Thanks to the wonder that is digital cable, I don’t even have to leave the couch to get nostalgic. How else would you react to flipping through the channels and running across an old G.I. Joe cartoon? It made me feel like I was ten years old again (and still complaining about never getting the aircraft carrier for Christmas). Or coming across a Thundarr the Barbarian cartoon (what a great Saturday morning idea that was. Any show that has the Earth being destroyed by a rogue comet in the opening credits is exactly what you want a nine year old to be watching). Throw in MTV2’s brilliant idea of replaying old Beavis and Butthead cartoons and you can tell that a lot of people are making money off of my past.

I just don’t know if I like it or not. I mean, I did actually sit down this morning and watch G.I. Joe (look, I’ll read Shakespeare later. I was still recovering from my loss of brain cells from Saturday night). Anyway, the one thing you notice now is how horrible the quality is. The animation is awful, you wonder why no one could ever shoot a rifle accurately, and all of the dialogue is “’Repeat characters name’, go with ‘mention other characters name’ in the ‘mention vehicle’ and check out that explosion”. Honestly, watching this I was saddened that I found this entertaining when I was ten. I expected more of myself.

I’ve decided that nostalgia, while nice, is not the best emotion to have. The past is nice and all but you can’t go back again. I’m going to try and live in the present for a while. It might be a scary place but at least the graphics are better.

Irish Nation Musings

Obviously the big news in Irish nation over the past 24 hours has been the firing of Ty Willingham. It did come as a surprise to me, as I figured that wins over Michigan and Tennessee as well as a bowl game appearance would secure a fourth year. Of course, getting smoked by USC for a third straight year and blowing games against BYU, Boston College and Pitt kind of balanced things out on the other end. But we do need to discuss whether this was the right move or not.

It’s good to remember a few things beforehand. Willingham wasn’t the first choice for the job. He was interviewed at the same time as O’Leary but was passed over for the job initially so it’s clear that the powers that be were not fully behind him from the start. Also, I remember walking around the stadium before the Michigan game and hearing a lot of people talk about wanting to get rid of him so the sentiment was there before the season even truly got started.

His record is fair, especially compared to that of Davie and Faust. Two bowl games in three years and some high profile wins. His recruiting classes have not ranked high, which is a big concern. The offense hasn’t grown accustomed to the west coast offense but that was expected. You were still dealing with an option quarterback for the first year and a half and an 18 year old for the next year and a half. When it clicked, it was effective. Defense was strong up front, weak in the secondary. In my mind, the team’s success came down to special teams and defense. When there were turnovers and big special teams plays they did well, if not it was going to be a long day.

All that said, it certainly doesn’t sound like enough evidence to can a coach after three years. I expected a fourth. So why the change?

I think it really comes down to money. If I remember correctly, ND has to make a BCS bowl every few years in order to stay independent. If they don’t, they should just join the Big 10, get the guaranteed conference bowl money, and save a ton of money on travel for non-revenue sports. With Ty, the powers that be don’t see that BCS bowl game in the near future. But if Urban Meyer can get Utah into a BCS bowl, maybe he could do the same for ND. It’s a calculated risk, but they are apparently prepared to take it. There is still the question of the extremely difficult schedule and the fact that I still believe that they should try to find a way to join the Big Ten while keeping the NBC contract but that is a story for another day.

Because there is one thing that really bugs me about all of this. They said in the press conference that Ty did an outstanding job from Sunday to Friday. Meaning that graduation rates are high and there are no concerns about the program. And that has him let go in less time than Faust. That bothers me. If ND wants to pride itself on being what college athletics is supposed to be about they can’t dump a coach in three seasons just because he wasn’t able to produce a national champion with players he didn’t recruit. Especially one who upholds everything else the university stands for. This move does make ND look like Florida, dumping a coach because of high expectations. That’s modern athletics for you and maybe we need to admit that that is the world that we are living in. It just means that we need to account for the fact that even the best programs have had to make sacrifices to their ideals.

(No matter what, it’s still better than the situation with Illini football)

Musical Connections

Here's another one of my concert reviews (as I try to clear out some of my archived material). Enjoy.

Musical Connections
(Pieta Brown with Bo Ramsey, Davey’s Uptown Ramblers Club, Kansas City, MO, 11.15.2003)

Along with growing old, one of the major themes of my life right now is one of change. Changing jobs, changing towns and changing myself. Physically, I am 500 miles away from where I was a year ago. Personally, I am light years away from who I used to be as I struggle to become the man I always imagined myself to be. But throughout all of this, the one constant in my life is music.

Because no matter where I am I know that I can put on an Uncle Tupelo cd and be mesmerized. Or listen to Cowboy Mouth and get inspired to change the world. It’s always there for me, it’s my touchstone, my connection to an ever evolving world. Whenever I need to have my life reaffirmed I turn to music.

I have yet to have a bad experience watching Pieta Brown. First heard of her a year ago as she opened for Neko Case. Standing in front of the stage I felt that this was going to be a tough sell, as Pieta was only going to fill the time until Neko came on stage and I could try to figure out how to propose to her. Instead, within a song I was drawn to Pieta’s music. Slow, sultry, laid back but filled with emotion. Within a set I was a fan.

Next time I saw her was in mid-August of this year. My life was in complete turmoil. New job that I wasn’t completely enjoying, friends scattered to the ends of the earth, and a realization that the vision of the world I keep inside my head does not always match reality. As I entered the bar hoping that music and alcohol would take away the worries of my life I found something else entirely. I found myself talking to Iris Dement, Pieta’s step mother and one of the best singers I have ever listened to. And I wasn’t just saying “Hi, love your album”, we were talking about music and my company and sharing a drink. She even introduced me to Pieta, which was an absolute thrill. The show itself was lackluster, as she played new material and fought a soundsystem that was geared to the Irish rock band that would take the stage later that night. But still, her show allowed me to regain my focus on life.

So, it was with great anticipation that I went to see her again. My life had stabilized in a manner that wasn’t entirely to my liking. But, went to the show and took my usual spot at the bar prior to the set. A couple of drinks down and I found myself drawn into a conversation regarding the Johnny Cash tribute concert on television. Start talking music and life with the guy next to me, who is with two girls who are chatting away. Nothing in the conversation that stays with you, just the usual discussions that you have with a stranger at a bar.

We end up moving as a group towards the stage set up. Get formally introduced to everyone and start talking about music in even more detail. A couple of us had been to the Liz Phair show and shared our views on that show. Melissa described a set of paintings that she was working on that were conceptual pieces on the guitars of singers (Johnny Cash had a guitar of barbed wire, Emmylou Harris had songbirds floating in the background). Just a great time, meeting people that I was immediately connecting to.

Pieta took the stage with Bo Ramsey at her side. The amount of confidence that she has gained in the year and a half that I have seen her play is phenomenal. She is no longer content to just fade away while singing. Her songs have become more and more strident, they remain slow and sultry but there is significant life to them. For two guitars and voice, it is a rather startling combination of sounds. It’s the type of music that leaves you swaying, that takes you to another place. But the best explanation came from the girl standing next to me.

“If I wasn’t sweating right now, I’d have chills.”

Remember that sentence. We will be returning to it.

One could make a lot of comments about how Pieta got to where she is on stage and most of those would be derogatory. She is the daughter of legendary folk singer Greg Brown. Bo Ramsey, who for years has played for and toured with Lucinda Williams, is her collaborator. All of which opens numerous doors for her and places unbelievable pressure on her. Already people are comparing her to Lucinda, which is an unfair comparison. It’s equivalent to calling someone who just picked up a guitar the next Dylan.

Are there singers struggling out there with just as much talent as Pieta? Certainly. There are also a thousand bands that are better than Matchbox 20 but they languish in obscurity as well. What is important is that there is something in Pieta’s glimmering voice that connects with you. That leaves you humming songs. That causes you to buy her cd and leave it in your car for months. To turn to the person next to you and just wonder.

After the show I went back to the bar and started to talk to Kristen (originator of the chills quote). She wanted to know how in the world I had ever found out about Pieta. Then we started running through our mental checklist of favorite artists. Neko Case, Kathleen Edwards, Kelly Willis, the Be Good Tanyas. Her two friends had left the bar and we were still sitting there, discussing music and what it means to be out there playing and trying to make a difference in the world. And life began to look rather interesting again.

Music is a constant. Music is a touchstone. Music can bring people into your life that you would never imagine. Pieta Brown is a conduit for those types of connections. And it makes you look forward to the day that you open the paper and see that she is playing in town again.

Dancing about architecture

There is an old saying that writing about music is like dancing about architecture. It's impossible to actually grasp all of the intricacies of a musical piece by typing into a laptop. Which is probably true but let's face it, it's not like I haven't tried the impossible before. And a million to one shot happens 6,000 times a day on this planet so I feel pretty confident in working towards being a critic.

Here are two pieces I've written about Maggie Walters, someone you haven't heard of but should know about. The best time to listen to an artist is right when they are starting out, when you can watch them take their first steps. The first review is a review of her 5 song demo and the second is a review of her debut cd (available at www.cdbaby.com). Trust me, when you step away from the mainstream sometimes you find gold.


(5 song demo review)

Every once in a while you stumble upon an artist who is just beginning to understand her gift. It is like finding a pearl when it is simply a grain of sand. Maggie Lee Walters is one of those artists.

Her voice carries with it a weight that goes far beyond her years. One moment it is dark and mysterious, lingering with the insight of someone who has peered into the shadows of life. Other times she sings with a wry smile and enticing voice, drawing you closer with every line. And her voice is always clear and free, like the Kansas skies that she once called home.

She sings of stepping out into the world, leaving the familiar behind only to be faced with shades of gray. She sings of those intoxicating first few moments of a relationship, when desire mixes with fear and you can only ask yourself if you are ready for the unknown. She sings of finding the right person and waiting for the answer that may never come. But more than anything she sings of life and of the pitfalls one encounters along the way.

Whether you wish to define her style as Folk or Americana or No Depression she has the lyrical and vocal skills to warrant your attention. She deserves to be mentioned in the same breath as Tift Merritt and Laura Minor, Beth Orton and Caitlin Cary, and one day soon, when she truly finds her voice, Emmylou Harris. In just a few songs Maggie has earned the right to be included amongst the group of young singer-songwriters who hold up a mirror to the world and find joy amidst the shadows.

More than anything, Maggie’s songs find a place in your soul that can’t be removed. They stay with you and reappear when you least expect it. As she sings on Be Careful Love, “I probably won’t remember you but baby you’ll remember me.”

Remember Maggie Lee Walters. You’ll hear her voice again.



A Breath of Fresh Air

Independence is a virtue in music today. With people like Ashlee Simpson polluting the airwaves it’s tougher to find voices that are not pre-packaged into bite sized morsels of blandness. Maggie Walters is a breath of fresh air in this environment, a unique voice who sings of love and confusion and of the moments when you truly realize who you are. With the help of musicians who have supported everyone from Alejandro Escovedo to Eric Johnson to the Dixie Chicks she’s created a strong first disc formed from an amalgam of styles, alternating between the blues of Spin to the funk beat of Ann Marie to a singer-songwriter classic in Shades of Gray. I’ve listened to a number of artists who have emerged from the Austin scene and other parts of the Americana universe and Maggie’s disc stands up to any of them. Definitely worth checking out.

Rational numbers

So, El Ultimo Gringo came to town last weekend. That means a lot of things, including the fact that I had to go to the police station ahead of time to prepay our bail (it just saves a step). After a long afternoon, evening, and possibly early morning of drinking we started talking about just how my brain actually works. Or more accurately, how I was able to pull off this trick back when we were at school.

Here’s the story. It was six in the morning. We had been drinking the entire time (and this was following another day where we went to at least four in the morning). Obviously, none of us were in our right mind at this point in time. At some point, the question came up as to how fast could I add up the numbers on a randomly selected group of dominoes. This led to a number of times of guys just throwing dominoes down on a table and my adding them up in about three seconds. Which might not be that impressive but it definitely is when you haven’t slept in like two days. But, the Gringo asked the question, “How in the world do you do that?”

And the answer is I really don’t have any idea. My mind is kind of wired that way. Numbers make sense to me. They work in very predictable ways. One plus one is always two (well, unless you are working in a binary system but only geeks will even get that reference). And once you see the patterns you can make assumptions and everything flows together. I view numbers and problems like a big jigsaw puzzle, I’ve got the picture in my mind and I’m just matching up shapes until all the pieces fall into place. It’s no surprise that I list my career as a number cruncher, I just gravitate to work where all I’m going to do is look at numbers on a screen and make sense of them. That just comes naturally to me.

Of course, the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve discovered that the world is not rational and can’t be broken down into an equation. And trust me, I’ve tried. It’s easiest to explain through a writing habit that I had in college. Every male character I wrote in a story was always drinking based on the fact that a guy who has been drinking doesn’t need a reason to do anything, he just does it. It was a crutch to explain away irrational behavior (though it happens to be true. Just think about any late night at the Backer. Rationality doesn’t exist in those situations). And my female characters? They were all these mysterious figures, operating in their own little world. Because lord knows, I’ve never been able to figure out what is going on in a girl’s mind so why even bother with the pretense while writing.

I’ve gotten better since then, though I bet that there are literary critics out there who would disagree. I’ve started to embrace the absurdity of life, the fact that at the end of the day nothing will make sense. That maybe there is no grand unified theory of everything, that a lot of things happen for no apparent reason. Or at least from my perspective that is the case but if I could see everything from the infinite perspectives that exist it would make sense. Basically, I’ve just taught myself to relax and go with the flow a little more. Understand that life can’t be placed in nice tidy boxes and added and subtracted in consistent quantities. But just take some time out to see the wonder of the world and enjoy the moments that come my way. It’s all part of the journey and I’m slowly beginning to understand that the key is what you see and do along the way and not the inner workings of the car engine.

(By the way, the dominoes trick is actually pretty easy. Learn to look at the dominoes as consisting of one number and no two on one domino. So, it isn’t a two and a five, it’s a seven. Cuts the number of calculations in half. After that it’s just knowing how to add quickly. I’ve never said that I’m smart, Clever, maybe, but not smart.)

Summer music festivals

Real content tomorrow (sorry, fighting off a cold and a lack of free time). Until then, some humor courtesy of the Onion

Summer's here and that means it's time for music festivals. What are some of this year's big tours?

• Smuckers 2003 "Kick out the Jams Mothersmuckers" music fest
• "Monsters of Abstinence" Christian Rock Fest
• 2003 Citibank Counterculture Jamboree
• Sauk County Brat Fest featuring surviving members of the BoDeans
• Autoharpalooza
• The Colossus of Prog festival, featuring Yes, Jethro Tull, and Jon Andersen of Yes
• Electrocash-in
• Radiohead Goes Outside festival
• The "Someone Forgot to Gas Up the H.O.R.D.E. Festival" festival - Somewhere on I-70 between St. Louis and Kansas City

Defining the situation

Thought that since I now have a sizable amount of postings to the blog (of varying qualities but at least there are a number of them), I might as well explain the title of the darn thing. This really does fall into the category of frequently asked questions that no one has asked about but it gives me a topic to write about other than just simply writing a review of tonight’s episode of The Amazing Race (watch as the girls from New York try to figure out how to drive stick!)

Battling the Current is easily the best title for this effort of mine. I can point to three separate meanings. One points to the ending of The Great Gatsby, “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the past.” Gatsby is my favorite book and I still would like to live the life of F. Scott Fitzgerald, tragic as it may be. To pay homage to the book with my own literary effort is just a small tip of the hat to pure genius.

The second one is an awfully bad pun. Think electric current and my former life where that is all I thought about every day. As I try to put that career and that part of my life behind me I find that I am constantly at war with those old parts of my personality. Those parts of yourself that you know are wrong and want to change but seem to be so ingrained in your psyche that changing them seem to be as challenging as changing the color of the sky. Hence, a battle against the current. Yeah, it’s a bad pun but there is some meaning to it.

The last one is the most important. If there is one key to my life right now it is that I really consider the current state of the world to be completely wrong. As I wrote yesterday, I look around and see a country and even a planet that does not match my expectations at all and I intend to find a way to make things right. And that starts with making the changes I need to make to myself. I will never complain that I have a tough life, I’ve been blessed beyond all belief, but my current life is not what I want at the end of the day. There are a number of pieces missing and some items that need to be put right. So that is what this blog will really be about, how does one person out in the world change the present. Can one person change the future (for the world or even for himself)? That’s what I want to find out and record here.

Along the way I’ll rant about television and movies and books and music and all of the other items that affect my life because that is all part of the journey. I ended my first post with the phrase Quo Vadimus, which means roughly “Where do we go from here?” I know that my dream is my destination and this little piece of cyberspace is going to be my road journal. To everyone who wants to come along for the ride, even for a little while, welcome.

Resignation Superman

So, here is what has happened in the world over the past few days: basketball players have jumped into the stands to throw punches at fans, football players have had a brawl to the point that state troopers needed to break it up, a deer hunter kills five and wounds three (humans, not deer), there was a greater national outcry over a two minute skit involving an actress and a football player than there was over Abu Grahib, groups of people now consider Saving Private Ryan to be obscene, I’ve actually read a protestor blaming Kinsey for causing the U.S. to change from the world of Leave it to Beaver and it appears that the presidential results are going to stand. And I am forced to ask the following question: when the fuck did I end up in bizarro world?

Seriously, what the hell is going on here? I know that I’ve spent a lot of nights in bars and even more standing in front of speakers but I still have a few functioning brain cells left. Am I the only one who looks at the events of the past few weeks and wonder what is going on out there? You all might as well settle in because I’m going to deconstruct the events of the past few weeks.

I’ll start with the Saving Private Ryan nonsense. First of all, you can pretty much fear any group with the name “Family” in it, whatever agenda they are pushing is not going to be in your best interest and that is even if you have a wife and kids. Here, a group of people was able to get network television to pull a showing of Saving Private Ryan on Veteran’s Day because there was bad language and violence. Because, God forbid that we let people see what war is actually like now that we’re in one. And let’s make sure people don’t view the one picture that I’ve seen in recent years that shows the true courage of soldiers, of men who walk into danger and do their jobs knowing that death is imminent but they continue to move forward because they are convinced that this is for the greater good. The men who hit the beach at Normandy are some of our greatest heroes ever, they sacrificed more than I even want to imagine so that I can write this now. But we can’t show that because there are bad words in it. Idiots. That’s all I can say about it. If you don’t want to watch it, don’t. If you don’t want your kids to watch it, grab the remote. Let the rest of us have our dramatized reality.

I’m not going to even talk about the Terrell Owens flap, talk about sound and fury signifying nothing. When did this country turn so insanely prudish? I’m not calling for porn on CBS on Monday nights (but hey, it would show that everybody does love Raymond) but can we please reach the point that semi-nudity is not the end of the world? The thing that really gets me is something I read last week. People are protesting the movie Kinsey. Now, 95% of the population has no idea who Kinsey is. 99% of the population would never have heard about this indie flick. The 1% who would are guys like me who don’t care but go, “Laura Linney is in the film. That’s probably worth seeing.” But the protestors are out in arms because there is a movie about a sex researcher who in the words of one protestor, “Ended the world of Leave it to Beaver and led the way to the depravity of the modern world.”

I hate to break it to the world but Leave it to Beaver was fiction. Didn’t exist, never did exist, never will exist. Life is not like a sitcom, that was always an idealized view of the world. Research didn’t change reality, culture just stopped turning a blind eye to the world. Do you want to know what it was really like in the time of Leave it to Beaver? Separate drinking fountains. Women’s career choices consisting of housewife, teacher, nurse, or stewardess. And there was crime. Look up Leopold and Loeb. Or Charles Starkweather. There are a thousand things wrong with this country right now but I do not want to go back to the fifties.

It does seem like the world is just breaking down around us. I can’t fathom why a guy would go into a shooting rampage over a tree stand. That’s something out of a bad television drama, it can’t be real. But that is all I read about this morning, a guy freaking out and shooting other unarmed hunters. Have we gotten that depraved? Does life mean that little right now?

Maybe the Pacers-Pistons fight does show everything in a nutshell. A hard foul turns into a push. A fan gets upset and throws a beer. Player goes after the fan. All hell breaks loose. Pretty much everyone is at fault. I’ve been upset at games, I’ve heckled, but I’ve never thrown anything and I sure as hell wouldn’t go out on the court to get after a player. What I watched Friday night wasn’t sport, it wasn’t entertainment and it wasn’t escapism. It was a mirror to the world and it’s frightening.

I wonder if I’ve already contradicted myself in this rant. I talk about the hypocrisy of censoring media but then worry about the nature of society right now. I don’t think that they are opposing points. We can’t turn away from what we are today. We can’t sanitize television and hope everything goes away. We need to see the world for what it is, warts and all. And then we need to find the solution. Because I don’t think that we can all move to Australia.

Dream Road Rules Cast

Ok, Super Dave upped the ante again and has now pushed for my dream Road Rules cast. Amazingly, this is a lot tougher than the Real World cast because there are a lot of strong people that I’d like to get in the cast and there are simply not enough parts to go around. Plus, it’s been a little more difficult to do research on this one. Everyone has websites detailing each individual Real World cast but no one does that for Road Rules. Here’s the breakdown.

Challenge: Travel around the U.S./Canada/Mexico doing adventures/challenges and if you succeed at all of them you will win the handsome reward. None of this silly voting people off after you fail a challenge, which turns the show into a bad version of Survivor. I want it to be more of what it was in the first few seasons, which had a lot of cast members bonding as if it truly was one wild road trip, with just a dash of The Amazing Race tossed in.

The cast. First, the guys.

EC: I’m going to be 21 or 22 again in this one. This at least has me at an age before my career ending injuries would disqualify me from rappelling from buildings and the rest of the more extreme stunts. I’ll also need to have gone through a six to nine month session with a personal trainer to bulk up ahead of time. I mean, I didn’t have the gut back then that I do now but I still would need to chisel the body some.

Timmy (RR: USA): The ultimate road trip guy. One of those guys who has that great combination of being laid back and funny but when the competition is on he is as intense as anyone. A guy who lives his life to experience anything to the fullest. Basically, this is the type of guy that I would like to be when I grow up. Two other reasons: 1) He’s had a great post RR career. Was hosting a college sports show on Fox for a while, which essentially consisted of him going to different campuses and joking around with people and now he does a show for the History Channel that has him just going around and doing things like competing in demolition derbies. 2) He pulled off what I consider to be the greatest reality tv moment of all time. He led the Road Rules cast into the Real World Miami house, convinced the Real World cast that they were a cleaning crew, distracted the group long enough to have someone steal the 8 ball from the pool table and got out before getting caught. That was just inspired.

Theo (RR: Maximum Velocity): I have to include the ultimate swamp rat. Every once in a while MTV will include the non-MTV type and Theo fit that bill. From rural Louisiana, here was this tough, brash, naïve guy who had the best side comments to the camera. I also have to give him credit for his humor in every Road Rules/Real World Challenge, especially in the Gauntlet where he ended every sentence with “Holla”. To the point that I started trying to do it without any of the needed coolness.

Special Honorable Mention: Christian (RR: USA): If I wasn’t including me in the cast Christian makes it without a second thought. The kick ass Norwegian who could do any challenge thrown his way, drank all the time, and seemed to enjoy every minute of the event. He’s that type of guy you’d want with you for any project you’d undertake in life, you knew that he could do it and if not at least you would have fun in the process.

And on the female side of the equation…

Emily (RR: USA): Get the sense that I enjoyed the USA cast? Here was a girl from central Illinois, not far away from where I went to school, who was truly doing the “first time I ever went somewhere that I wasn’t on a farm” experience. Sweet, smart, cute as hell, someone you’d want to date on sight. Of course, in the RW/RR challenges it has since been shown that she is tough as nails and completely ruthless, which I think makes me want to date her even more.

Holly (RR: Latin America): I might be one of the few people on the planet who likes Holly, most of the websites I’ve checked out always bad talk her. I thought she was cute and probably the best athlete and toughest competitor that they’ve ever had on the female side of the ledger. There really wasn’t anything that she couldn’t do and she always seemed to be enjoying life. Works for me.

Tara (RR: Northern Trail): This was another of those ultimate RR casts, where everyone seemed to be super cool. I’m a huge fan of anyone who goes into these shows and doesn’t go to start drama or try to make themselves famous. I like the people who are honest and go, “Wow, I get to travel around and not have a real job. This is going to be brilliant.” That was the entire Northern Trail cast and Tara was the best of the bunch.

Honorable mentions: Anne (Northern Trail) for looking exactly like Nancy Kerrigan and Sarah for her role in the RW/RR Gauntlet challenge, which is probably the number two best reality tv moment. Her team sends her to the Gauntlet 4 times hoping that she would lose so that she would be thrown off the team and each time she just keeps on fighting harder and harder and winning. And in her last contest her team suddenly gets behind her and cheering for her as if she is the ultimate MVP. You really couldn’t touch that drama of watching her win one last time and knowing that she proved everyone wrong. Just awesome.

Dream Real World Cast

Ok, Super just posed the best question that I’ve been asked in months. Who would be the six people from The Real World that you would most like to live with and have your life taped for the world’s entertainment? Thought about this the entire drive home from work. So, here is my dream season. All cast members are in their prime here at the age they were when the show aired.

Location: New Orleans. (Ok, that won’t be a surprise to anyone.)

Job for the cast: Marketing/working at the House of Blues in the French Quarter. This will be a combination of the Las Vegas work in a casino job with the Seattle work for a radio station job. I’d definitely enjoy it and it will be great dual promotion for MTV.

The Cast. I will follow the official Real World casting rules and have 4 guys, 3 girls, 1 minority and 1 alternative lifestyle.

First the guys.

EC: I’m going to be around 21 or 22, just finishing college and getting ready to become my own man. My role is going to be the naïve Midwestern guy who hasn’t experienced much of the world yet. Yeah, keep your snide comments to yourself.

Dominic (Los Angeles cast): Have to include the chain-smoking, Guinness drinking, always joking Irishman. He just seems like he’d be a blast to hang out and drink with night after night.

Norman (Original New York cast): My alternative lifestyle choice and probably one of the coolest guys who has ever been on the show. He’s in charge of the snide comments, making fun of everyone in the confessionals and keeping the rest of the cast from killing each other.

Teck (Hawaii cast): I have no idea why this guy is not a huge star right now. If there was one person who had breakout stardom written on him it’s this guy. And man, would I want to be wingman for this guy when you go out on a Friday night. He’d bring the attention of the entire place to your table just by his sheer presence. Even I would start to meet people by hanging out with him.

Odds of this group actually being cast together: Pretty strong, maybe around 80%. We cover a lot of the typical characters: naïve Midwestern guy, funny foreign guy, alternative lifestyle guy, and wild party guy. The only thing that we are missing is that classic model/actor type but we can probably survive without it.

Overall view of the group: I think we would set Real World records for the following: most time spent in a bar, most jokes cracked in the confessional, and least number of fights started. Not sure if it would make good television but it would be a blast.

Guys who just missed the cut: Neil from London (a guy I would really want to drink with), Syrus from Boston (overall cool guy), Kevin from the original New York (another smart guy) and Judd from SF (two reasons. 1) He now writes the Green Lantern comic book and 2) he pulled off the ultimate move by getting his castmate Pam to fall for him by having her then boyfriend help him out. It might be the smoothest/cruelest move in the history of television. I mean, just to have it shown on national television how you stole your wife from another guy. That’s priceless.)

And now the girls.

Kat (London cast): No doubt about it at all, she’d be my first pick overall. Smart girl from Washington state, funny as all get out, beautiful, always smiling and laughing, and she was a fencer. There really is nothing that’s not to like about her. Having her on the cast would allow me to also play the smitten Midwestern guy.

Rebecca (Seattle cast): I don’t know if many people remember her. She was the blonde singer in Seattle who actually recorded an album at Sir Mix a Lot’s studio. I always really liked her, was one of the few sane people on that cast. She’d be blast in New Orleans especially.

Julie (Original New York cast): Come on, those of us who are old enough to remember watching the first season kind of have to include her (even though I thought Becky was actually cuter). The young girl from Alabama who goes to New York because she wants to be a dancer? The comedy potential here is off the charts given who else I’ve assembled.

Odds of this group actually being cast together: Very low. I’m missing the insane drunk girl and the bitch. If I have to make a change to suit MTV’s needs then I’d like to replace Julie with Ruthie from the Hawaii cast because we’re going to need at least one more person buying rounds at the bar.

Just missing the cut: Becky from New York (I’m a sucker for a girl with a guitar, I’ll admit it), Jacinda from London (an Australian model, can’t beat that), Sarah from Miami (the skater chick. Probably the least MTV like person ever on the Real World. Thought that she was the only person on that cast that I could stand), and Genesis from Boston (I have no idea why. I just always thought that she was pretty cool).

Everyone, send in your ideas. Am I completely off base here? Did I miss someone? Should I have included the insane chick from the Seattle cast? Have I missed some great talent from recent years? Send in your ideas.