Battling the Current

What we find funny then and now

2012-01-10T22:04:00.000-06:00

I just had to share this music clip. Mavis Staples, Wilco and Nick Lowe rehearsing the old Band song “The Weight.” I’ve been on a bit of The Band kick as of late and this is just an amazing cover of the song. Mavis Staples just sings the hell out of the song. You can even see the guys in Wilco just take a step back in wonder when she starts to sing.

I’ve been thinking recently about just where my sense of humor comes from. Meaning just what was I exposed to as a child that determined what I felt was funny and, more importantly, influenced my writing style and my brand of humor. Ok, at least I think that at times I can be a funny writer intentionally. But what I wanted to think about is what drove it.

If you made me list the TV shows that I watched as a kid (say before I turned 10) that influenced me the most I would say The Muppet Show, The Monkees and Monty Python. Yes, even as a 10 year old I was aware of Monty Python. Add in the Douglas Adams “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series and Dave Barry columns and you have the main components of what would make up my brand of humor and I would have to say that I am not alone in that regard. Now here is the interesting bit, not only were all those shows meant for adults but they instilled in myself and a lot of other people in Gen X a very specific brand of comedy.

Think about those shows. All three of the TV shows completely ignored the fourth wall and were full of self-referential, meta-humor. The idea of a running plot was only vaguely considered important and in many instance it was just gag upon gag upon gag. Now is it surprising that Seth MacFarlane, who created Family Guy, is a month younger than I am? We have the same influences and create what we have always found to be funny. Even a show like How I Met Your Mother is written to my generation due to the reliance on running jokes and constant gags while something like Two and a Half Men with its more classic sitcom format is geared to the aging Baby Boomers who grew up with more straightforward sitcoms.

You can see the same thing with music. When I was young I was first introduced to music with new wave and punk and when I grew older that combined itself into grunge. Add in country music and you have the entire alternative country scene. We take the influences that we have as children and meld them to what we want to create as we age.

Sadly this means that as I continue to age and move out of the target market what I find funny will no longer make the air. Music today is being made by those who grew up in the latest era of the boy bands and bubble gum pop. Someone who thought that Friends was the epitome of comedy is working on a new sitcom. That is just the way the cycle of culture works. Thank god for DVD collections.

Quick random thoughts

2012-01-09T21:41:00.001-06:00

Note to self: when I finally decide that the career that I am destined for is mad scientist and embark on creating bizarre new creatures the first one I should make is a Bewilderbeast. That and my horse / zebra hybrid that I will call a Horbra. Also, I should remember to make it clear that I am not mad, I just get these headaches sometimes.

In other news, I am extremely intrigued by the murder mystery that has taken place on the royal estates in England. Is it bad that I am hoping that this means that Queen Elizabeth has gone on a killing spree? Could you actually arrest the Queen? I always like how in the Jack the Ripper case many people assume that it is a royal who was doing the killing so maybe this is just a replay of that classic case. At least it would be an interesting variation on the story.

Also, do we all have to buy a baby shower present for Beyonce? I mean, if you make the birth of your child a big deal in the media does that make us all liable for a shower gift? And I wonder just how many gifts that celebrities receive from random people when they have a child. I bet that it is way more than you would imagine. Though why anyone would name a child Blue Ivy is beyond me. Just once I would like to see celebrities give their child a normal name. How about Gertrude? It’s a Shakespeare reference. Paltrow could have named her daughter that instead of Apple.

For the Love of Tebow...

2012-01-08T21:42:00.000-06:00

Before I get to the odds and ends of my books read in 2011 I need to make a comment on the Broncos game today and the media firestorm that is Tim Tebow. First of all, that was one hell of a game especially given that I thought that it was going to be the worst game of the weekend. I was glued to the screen and was amazed by how well the Broncos played. The Steelers were lucky to fight their way back into the game but Tebow’s killstrike in overtime was incredible.

It is incredible from a cultural perspective to watch the way people view Tebow. The best explanation that I have read is that no matter what your point of view you can use Tebow to prove your point. Want to talk about the gritty underdog winning with unconventional ways? Or how about the Heisman Trophy winner succeeding at the next level? Need to work an angle regarding how Christianity leads to success? Tebow is a media darling because he makes writing stories really, really easy. As a result he has become simultaneously the biggest hero and villain in sports, neither of which is earned.

Now I will be honest here, I kind of like the guy. He was drafted in the same year as Jimmy Claussen and I made the following claim. I could guarantee you that Claussen would be between the 20th and the 40th best quarterback in the NFL while Tebow would either win a Super Bowl or be a complete bust and I stand behind that claim. Claussen is either a bad starter or a decent backup while Tebow is either great or horrible depending on the day. To be honest he has already exceeded expectations. No one is ever going to consider him a draft bust. He is unorthodox and not a classic quarterback but he does get things done. I think a lot of the dislike for his football play is simply the fact that it is not the way we expect it to be done. We all believe that the quarterback position has to be played in the way that Peyton Manning does it so anything different must be wrong.

The biggest reason that a lot of people hate Tebow, beyond the media saturation, is that he is actually a really nice guy and we can’t stand it. The guy doesn’t have any big flaws to him. He is religious but I would never call him preachy or at least no more so than any other player who takes a knee after scoring a touchdown. He doesn’t screw around and leads a clean life and because he is open about that people hate him. The strange thing is you don’t see Tebow rallying against what others are doing. Not even in the way that the Straight Edge punk movement can be annoying in an “I am better than you” way. Tebow just is and people can’t stand it. Our cultural has become so cynical and jaded that the sheer fact that someone can just be famous and be a good guy drives us insane. That is a pretty sad statement.

Ok, last few books…

My Year of Flops by Nathan Rabin: An analysis of horrible movies by a writer for the Onion’s AV Club. Yes, I read a book of reviews of movies that you would never want to see. I can’t explain it either other than anyone who feels that Joe vs. the Volcano is a bad movie is someone I can never be friends with. I am sorry but that is one of my favorite movies ever.

Richard III by William Shakespeare: Yes, I met my yearly quota of Shakespeare by reading the one about the hunchback and a horse and various children being murdered offstage. What was interesting was that this was the first time that I have read Shakespeare on my Kindle and thus didn’t have all of the annotations and definitions that you traditionally have in one of the print editions of Shakespeare. On one hand I was proud of the fact that my vocabulary has improved to the point that I could follow everything without those definitions but I know that I missed some of the more obscure references and puns. I think that I will end up going back to print for Shakespeare. It just doesn’t read properly on a screen.

The Night Bookmobile by Audrey Niffenberger: A graphic novel by the author of the Time Traveler’s Wife about finding a bookmobile with every book that you have ever read inside, which would be both awesome and kind of boring. On one hand it would be wonderful to look about and see everything that you have ever read but on the other hand you would also look around and go, “But do you have anything else?”

Best of 120 Minutes: Ok, so maybe a few of you are aware that the new season of Portlandia debuted on IFC this weekend. I note this only for the fact that I have connections to both of the stars of the show. I met Carrie Browenstein before a Sleater-Kinney show in Lawrence a few years back and ages and ages ago I hit on Fred Armisen’s ex-wife at a bar once. If you need to wonder if I was successful at hitting on the ex-wife of a Saturday Night Live actor you really, really don’t know me. Especially if you envision the 24 year old version of me doing it. Actually, I’d rather you didn’t envision that. Anyway, this is all just an excuse to post a Sleater-Kinney video.

2011 Reading List: It's Nonfiction so it has to be true

2012-01-05T21:28:00.000-06:00

Ok, time to make my way over to the non-fiction side of the aisle for the second part of my review of everything that I read last year. I have a few pieces of odds and ends that I will write about over the weekend but I run a pretty even split between fiction and non-fiction. Used to be almost all fiction so it is a rather interesting change. Anyway, here we go…

“The Childless Revolution” by Madelyn Cain: A very interesting analysis of the fact that women are having less and less children and are often choosing careers and education over motherhood. This is going to be a growing theory in the future especially as you see the conflict between career success and family size leading to the world predicted in Idiocracy. The other interesting bit about this analysis is that it is entirely focused on women. No one ever questions if a guy chooses his career over fatherhood but for women there is a cultural stigma attached to it.

“Gunn’s Golden Rules” by Tim Gunn: If you need to have a life coach you could do a lot worse than choosing Tim Gunn. At a minimum you could guarantee that you will be dressed immaculately. Sadly I can’t get excited for the new season of Project Runway: All Stars because Tim and Heidi are not going to be a part of it, which makes me wonder if I want to watch the show at all. It just isn’t the same without Tim saying “Make it work” and saying hello to Swatch the dog.

“Bait and Switch” by Barbara Ehrenreich: Back when I took the separation package from Sprint I was given access to a career development service, essentially a place that would help me build a resume, work on my interview skills and help in searching for a new job. Outside of having someone to proofread my resume and give a little bit of a refresher on my interview technique I don’t know if I received any benefit from it. Talking about networking with people who are also unemployed is not precisely the easiest way to find a job. This book covers the same subject as Barbara spends a year in the world of the job searchers: attending networking events and sending out resumes on Monster and CareerBuilder in an attempt to see if it is at all possible to find a job using those tools. For those of you who have ever been pissed at the job search process this book will let you know that you are not alone.

“Scorecasting” by Tobias Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim: This book was basically taking a look at sports from a Freakonomics perspective. I am sure that it interested me at the time but right now I am completely blanking on it. I read it before I got married so maybe I can use that as an excuse.

“Undisputed” by Chris Jericho and “The Road Warriors” by Joe Laurinaitis: I broke one of my internal rules this year. I typically limit myself to one biography by a pro wrestler in any given year but this time I had to read two from some of my favorites. Chris Jericho, who made his triumphant return on Monday night as the most loved person on the show and was then the most hated six minutes later, is probably my favorite wrestler around and one of the few guys who I respect in the business. This book is as much about his music career as anything else and isn’t as good as his first but it is interesting. The second book focuses on my favorite tag team of all time, The Road Warriors, and while not the best written book it definitely holds your interest. Plus, the story of Hawk wrestling on a scaffold with a broken leg is always a good one to read. Sadly, the number of people in both books who have died before the age of fifty is too much for me to comprehend.

“The War for Late Night” by Bill Carter: A study of the whole Jay Leno / Conan O’Brien controversy, which was the biggest story in the world for a few months and has since become a total afterthought. Leno is back hosting the Tonight Show and will be until the sun collapses into itself, Conan has a fringe audience on TBS and I still wish that I could stay up late enough to watch Craig Ferguson. If you are interested in the ins and outs of how the late night shows works and just how many political games take place in the background this is an incredible read.

“Unfamiliar Fishes” by Sarah Vowell: I am a big fan of Sarah Vowell’s writing and this book about how Hawaii became a state is at least a little bit of a return to form from her last book, which was about the Puritans and was one of the most boring things that I have read. This has a lot more of her trademark dry wit and is an interesting study as to just how did we end up deciding that a) the United States should possess a couple of random islands in the Pacific Ocean and b) that they should be considered just as much a part of the United States as say, Delaware. Ok, that is not a good example. I’m not sure anyone can think of a reason why Delaware should be considered a state other than it gives all the other states someone to look down upon. Delaware is the Barry Horrowitz of states.

“Spook” and “Bonk” by Mary Roach: One book is about ghosts and the other is about sex. Sadly, sex with ghosts does not come up at any time as a subject though it obviously should. I’ve now read everything that Mary Roach has written and she is a writer whose style I like. She takes a scientific look at subject but does it from a very personal perspective. It’s basically investigative journalism from someone who is just genuinely interested in a subject. You couldn’t use one of her books as the basis for a doctoral thesis but they make for wonderful reads on airplanes.

“Those Guys Have All the Fun” by James Andrew Miller and Tom Shales: An oral history of ESPN. After reading this you might not have a positive image of any single person who was ever associated with the networks with the exception of Robin Roberts. I knew of a lot of the ESPN sex scandals ahead of time (the wonders of reading Deadspin everyday) but there was stuff in here that was just stunning. Apparently Bristol is the Sodom of Connecticut. The book does make it clear just how the network became an unbelievable success and also why it will never be as cool as it was in the early 90’s when I watched it for every moment. Essentially, once you are owned by Disney and are the mainstream source of news you can no longer be inventive and reckless. Sad but true.

“The To-Do List” by Mike Gayle: The story of one man who sits down late one night, starts writing a to do list for his life, ends up with over 500 items and then goes ahead and completes every single one of them. I am pretty sure that Kim slapped me when I told her what I was reading because she knew that I would immediately try to do the same thing since I love To Do lists. Especially given that the first item on every To Do list that I write is, and I’m not kidding here, “Write To Do List.”

“Moneyball” and “Boomerang” by Michael Lewis: Written by the lucky bastard who married Tabitha Soren you have the story of the Oakland A’s and Billy Beane, made into a movie about a team that never makes it to the World Series (which was already made and called Major League) and another on how various economies have collapsed in the credit crisis. Given that one of those failed economies was Iceland I was interested to see if I could at all understand how in the world a country like that could suddenly decide that it was a financial center. I still don’t think anyone understands. Apparently it involves fish and elves. Basically everything in Iceland involves fish and elves and smells slightly like rotten eggs.

“I’m a Stranger Here Myself” by Bill Bryson: More travelogues by Bill Bryson. For those who know my story I have spent most of the past year on planes, in airports and basically never spending more than four days in any one location. As a result my Kindle has become a steady companion and there are times when you just search for something to read that you know that you will enjoy but don’t want to put too much thought into it. Bill Bryson works really well for those moments.

“Popular Crime” by Bill James: I’ve never been a massive baseball stat guy, though I certainly have done more than my share of scorekeeping over the year, but I have always been impressed with how Bill James investigated the game and developed better methods to analyze player performance. Apparently as a sideline Bill has also been interested in true crime stories and this book is basically his examining of various cases over the centuries. It basically reads like a bar conversation with a friend who is brilliant, extremely dedicated and completely ignoring the fact that at many points he is either wrong or bringing up a point that is really irrelevant. Still, I go back to this book to read select chapters occasionally and it did bring up cases that even I was unaware of.

“I Want My MTV” by Craig Marks and Rob Tannenbaum: An oral history of MTV, which is basically the same as the one about ESPN but replace Robin Roberts with Martha Quinn. Also, Adam Curry’s hair is essentially its own character in this book. Seriously, I think it gives an interview at some point. Oh, and no one liked Downtown Julie Brown. Absolutely no one.

2011 Reading List: Fiction for all

2012-01-04T22:12:00.002-06:00

Since it is a start of a new year (and an effective restart of the blog) I thought that I would go with an easy topic for the next couple of days: an examination of the books that I read over the course of 2011. I finished 38 books last year, which is about average for me. Yes, I’ve kept track of every book that I have read since 1998. In many instances I can tell you how many days it took me to read the book. Don’t ask me why this is the case. Kim asks me all the time and I have yet to come up with a good answer.

Anyway, I will start with the fiction and do the non-fiction and odds and ends tomorrow.

“The Power and the Glory” by Graham Greene: This was my challenge reading for the year, which just shows that I have really lapsed in terms of what constitutes a challenge for me anymore. Not like the good old days where in January I would decide to read Faust in its entirety despite the fact that once you read the definition of the term “Faustian Bargain” you can pretty much ignore the entire book. Anyway, I have always meant to read more of Graham Greene’s work and this is just an amazing story about Central America and the struggle of a failed priest trying to do one last good act. Really, really fascinating read about a time that we are not too far removed from.

“An Object of Beauty” by Steve Martin: I’ll state up front that I am a huge fan of Steve Martin’s writings and one of the first books that I ever gave Kim was his novel “The Pleasure of my Company.” But while I enjoyed this book you can tell that this was more of a novel written by someone who is really intrigued with a certain subject, in this case the New York art world, than by someone with a story to tell. You will learn more about auction houses and galleries and the denizens of the world than you could ever wish to know. A nice book but not a required read.

“Perforated Heart” by Eric Bogosian: Eric Bogosian falls into the category of one of those writers that I have always admired but had never actually read. Mainly because I tend to see movies of his work (Talk Radio being the biggest example) and just always hear praise about him. So I gave this novel a try because it focused on the 70’s punk rock scene in New York, which I have a passing interest in for some reason. Mainly because everyone considers it to be incredibly important artistically and musically but it all happened before I was aware of art and music outside of Sesame Street so I don’t know of CBGB’s outside of the t-shirts that you can buy at Urban Outfitters. Not sure if this book helped me to get a sense of the time, either. 70’s punk remains to me the story of a really good party attended by someone else a few years ago. Maybe you just had to be there.

“The Well of Lost Plots” by Jasper Fforde: Some books are written for certain audiences. Jasper Fforde writes for literature geeks. I have seen no author who is so inventive and dedicated to making as many literary references as possible via his Thursday Next series, which involves a world where characters in books are surprisingly real. If you can find references to Austen and the Charge of the Light Brigade entertaining than pick up his books. It is like someone decided to specifically invent crack for English majors.

“Midnight Mile” by Dennis Lehane: As you can probably already tell my taste in fiction runs to the more obscure but here is a book that everyone would enjoy. Lehane is an outstanding writer of tense thrillers and this book is in the realm as his earlier work with “Mystic River” and “Shutter Island” (along with his belief that book titles should only contain two words.) His books are page turners that do not fall into the Dan Brown trap of seeming to be formed out of a rejected Scooby Doo script. Definite one to check out.

“The Wee Free Men” and “Snuff” by Terry Pratchett: If I would hazard a guess I would estimate that I own / have read almost thirty books by Terry Pratchett over the past fifteen years. He is my fantasy writer of choice as his Discworld novels are brilliant satires of society and the nature of fantasy itself. What saddens me though is that he is reaching the end of his career as he has early onset Alzheimer’s and is now forced to dictate his books. You have to admire someone who sees the end of the road ahead of him and still plows on as he knows that he still has stories to tell the world.

“A Game of Thrones” by George R. R. Martin: I must admit I had not been very aware of this series until the HBO series and as a book it would typically scare me off for the same reason that I avoid most fantasy novels. At a certain age you decide that you can’t read a thousand pages about dragons and ancient rivalries without going completely numb. But my god is this a good book. He keeps you reading and the use of numerous viewpoint characters keeps you constantly engaged in all of the different threads that run through the book. I am going to continue to make my way through the series though I certainly will take pauses between the books. With something so dense you need to take breaks.

“A Visit from the Goon Squad" by Jennifer Egan: I am not sure if I can call this the best book that I read all year (though it would certainly be in the top three) but it without a doubt has the best chapter that I have read in a very long time. It is a single chapter written as PowerPoint slides. It is a chapter about autism and the idea of pauses within music and what that implies and the different ways in which information is communicated and it is just fascinating to read. At first you think that it is just a gimmick but after reading it I could think of no other way to present such a story in so compelling of a manner. I’d read this book for that chapter alone.

“How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe” by Charles Yu: I read a lot of books because I hear good things about them online. Kim challenges me on why I use this method to choose books as I typically end up reading books that I am supposed to read rather than what I would actually like to read at any point in time. Sometimes my method works and I find a great book. Other times like this one I just don’t get it. It is the story of a time machine repairman with a cute dog who ends up somehow killing his future self and forming an infinite loop. Outside of the bits with the dog I still don’t know what it was about.

“Hunger Games”, “Catching Fire” and “Mockingjay” by Suzanne Collins: Now these are books that I can understand! 24 teenagers put into an arena to battle to the death for the entertainment of the super wealthy. I have to say of all of the young adult novels that have gained mainstream attention in the post Harry Potter world these are easily the best. I highly recommend reading Hunger Games before the movie comes out because it really is a book that you will not be able to put down. You will find yourself rooting for Katniss and Peeta and wondering just how would you do in such a situation. The other two books aren’t quite as good though that is due mainly to the nature of the story. There would have to be a bit of a letdown after the first one. Huge recommendation on this one to be on board before the movie comes out and possibly ruins it for everyone.

“The Visible Man” by Chuck Klosterman: There is an old question that I have heard that you can use whenever you are at a lull in a conversation. You can have one superpower: flight or invisibility, which do you choose and you must answer immediately. It is a test of extroversion versus introversion and I have to admit that my first choice is invisibility and I then regret it. This is a novel about what it would be like to truly be invisible and then be able to watch peole as they truly are. It asks the question of who are we really: the person that we show the world or the person that we are when we are home alone. What is your true self? As with most of Chuck’s writing it is more of an examination of an idea than a good novel (you tend to find yourself searching for a plot at times) but man is it a good idea. The story will stick with you for a while.

“The Post-Mortal” by Drew Magary: For those who are unaware, Drew is one of the writers on Deadspin, a blog that I have been reading forever that was founded by a fellow Illini so I am a little biased on this one. The novel is built around a brilliant premise: What would happen if someone created a cure for aging. You take an injection and then you never age. Now you can still die by being shot or by smoking until you get lung cancer but you would never die of old age. You would just stay the same age as you were when you took the injection. Would you take it? What if everyone else did and you ended up being the only old person on the planet? What would the world be like if everyone was a twentysomething with no maturity in sight? Have to admit this book was a lot better than I initially expected.

“The Sense of an Ending” by Julian Barnes: I wrote about this book a few weeks ago so I’ll be brief. Plus it won the Booker Prize so it really doesn’t need my endorsement. It is about memory and how we view things as we age and that amazing way you think when you are in your late teens and find yourself fascinated with intellectual pursuits. Ok, maybe not everyone gets that but there is part of me that wonders how I would have done if I had been in a school like one of the Ivies or Oxford or Cambridge and got to live one of those experiences that I have only read about. I probably would be an even bigger arrogant prick than I already am. Guess I should be happy that I went to a school that features a cornfield as one of its campus landmarks.

“Plan B” by Johnathan Tropper: I was surprised that I hadn’t read this book already. Tropper is pretty much an American version of Nick Hornby with a focus on stories revolving around New York. This was his first novel and it shows flashes of brilliance. A story of turning thirty and what that entails. Ah, the good old days…

Wednesday Night Music Club: Some days I would love to be able to stand on a stage with just a guitar, move away from the microphone and sing to an entirely silent crowd. Pretty amazing to see Josh Ritter pull it off with one of my favorite songs ever. “My wings are made of hay and cornhusks”

Life in bits and bytes

2012-01-03T17:52:00.002-06:00

I could point out a thousand reasons as to why I have suddenly started to feel old. Just the simple fact that I started this blog when I was 31 and I am now 38 is reason enough. Hell, blogging has gone from a fringe activity to the mainstream to now a relic of the ancient past over the seven years that I have been doing this. Technically I am supposed to just be tweeting this and posting tidbits on my wall or whatever it is that kids do today. But today I feel old and proud of it because we are celebrating the 30th birthday of the greatest machine ever developed: the Commodore 64.

This is the first computer that I ever had. I still have it, stored at my parent’s house and I am extremely confident that if I could figure out a way to hook it to a modern television set that I could get it to work. I can barely get a laptop to survive a year or two but the Commodore put in a good decade of service to myself and my brothers and taught me ninety percent of what I would end up knowing about computers. I learned how to program on a Commodore, I figured out how to do word processing and spreadsheets on the machine, and I figured out how to determine the best football team ever using Super Bowl Sunday (in which I took the 20 teams provided, created two 10 team leagues with each team playing ten games (9 in conference and 1 out of conference) culminating in an 8 team playoff, simulated every game, printed out the statistics for each game and computed season statistics for all 20 teams. I still remember the 1984 San Francisco 49ers losing to the 1981 Bengals in a playoff game with Dwight Clark being tackled on the one as time expired. Somewhere in my parent’s basement I still have stored all of the printouts. Yeah, I was an indoor child.)

What is incredible is that all of this was done on a machine that could only actively store 64 kB of data. Put it this way, the size of all of the text I have written for the blog this year is more than that. There is basically nothing that you can do with 64K of data yet the machine and a disk drive that was roughly the size of a beige Playstation with a fan that made it sound like an airplane engine I played more inventive games on this than I have on any other system since. And I truly would program my own games. I used to pick up computer magazines that had programs in the back that you could type up and enter into the system and play. That is how I learned the basics of programming by typing in code found in the back of magazines.

It is rather amazing to think that I have been around for nearly all of the personal computer revolution. I missed out on the whole homebrew era of the 70s what with my being an infant and all but for the last 30 years I have had iterations of every machine imaginable. I moved on from the Commodore to a Packard Bell in the days when they were referred to as IBM clones. I learned how to create boot disks because it was nearly impossible to run anything from Windows. I remember scoffing at the launch of Windows 95 because I couldn’t imagine having to run something outside of a DOS environment. I was on the web using Mosaic and at once point has both a CompuServe and an AOL account. I still use AOL email, which is rather depressing once you think about it. I’m at over 16 years on that email address. I am not as savvy as I used to be and I have kind of given up on my programming days but I really have seen computers grow in ways I never expected.

If I am feeling extremely grumpy I can talk about how kids today don’t understand how good they have it. That they will never understand what the world was like before everything was online and we were constantly connected. Except that I feel more sorry for them than anything else. Not only did they not get to enjoy the journey but they missed out on a simpler time. I know part of this is that time speeds up as you age but I really feel that time is much more scarce now than it was in the past. There is no such thing as free time. I’ve received six emails while writing this and a dozen posts have gone up to Facebook. I can contact anyone I need to instantly without worry that I would tie up a phone line or need to wait several days for them to get a letter. But that speed means you are always instantly accountable. There is no way to just sit back and relax.

I miss the days of just sitting at my Commodore 64 and enjoying the moment. Playing a game and not caring about anything else. Living a life where you are not constantly on call in a world where it is as though everyone is carrying a pager and must respond 24/7. There is something to be said for nostalgia. It reminds us to slow down.

Today's Special (not the Nickelodeon show)

2012-01-02T18:52:00.001-06:00

Because there is only so many times that one can watch a Big Ten team lose in a given day Kim and I spent much of this afternoon watching old episodes of Kitchen Nightmares. Now, I was originally a huge fan of the UK version of the show where Gordon Ramsay seemed to actually care about the restaurants that he visited and gave more advice than profanity. When I watched the first few episodes of the US version it was so horribly edited by Fox that I could barely consider it a reality show. But apparently we caught a patch of later episodes today that also featured restaurants in South Bend and LaGrange meaning that these were places that I could conceivably eat.

Given that we are in the internet age we immediately googled the restaurants. Four episodes, four restaurants, all now out of business. If this tells you anything it is that you should never, ever open a restaurant.

Now you could probably make the argument that given these restaurants were on Kitchen Nightmares, which implies that they were already really, really crappy restaurants that this isn’t a really representative sample. But having a top chef, a television crew and a hour long commercial that you can promote is the best chance that any restaurant can have of bringing people in the door. From what I can gather most of the restaurants failed from a combination of location and the economy. Given how much of a pounding the Midwest has taken over the past few years I could see struggling restaurants failing by dozen.

What amazes me though is that so many of these stories are exactly the same. You have a lovely couple or friends who decide that it is their lifelong dream to open a restaurant. So they take everything they have, sell the house, empty their IRAs and finance a business that is almost certainly going to fail. All I’ve ever heard about the restaurant business is that it is a wonderful way to go broke and I have a lot of friends who have been successful at it. I’ve known people who have run restaurants for generations but even they would recommend against it. Going into it because you like food is effectively like setting your money on fire except without the warmth.

Though I have to say watching this does make me hungry. And trust me, when I open up my bar I won’t have any of these issues.

Bowl Preview: Part Three

2012-01-01T14:12:00.000-06:00

It is New Year’s Day and that can only mean one thing: that there is absolutely no college football on television today. I can’t believe that is the case. I know that it is Sunday and that the NFL is playing but the fact that they can’t put a single bowl game on today is ludicrous. You are telling me that one of the lesser bowls featuring two teams at or below .500 (say Illinois vs. UCLA) couldn’t play today? So that maybe I could watch Illinois win a game in 2012 instead of 2011? Is that too much to ask.

Anyway, here is the conclusion of the bowl preview for the rest of the year and yes, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to return to a five day a week blogging schedule.

January 2nd
TicketCity Bowl: Houston vs. Penn State (Noon, ESPNU): Oh, where to start. Let’s put the Penn State season in perspective by this one fact: this is the only bowl game that is not on a network that is included in the average cable package. In fact, odds are 95% of the population could not tell you whether they receive this channel or not. The game is also being played in the Cotton Bowl but is not the Cotton Bowl because that game is played in the new Cowboys Stadium, which seems to be a violation of the space – time continuum or something.

I must state up front that I am a Penn State alumni via marriage. I am not sure if school allegiance is officially transferred via marriage (hoisting Illini fandom on Kim would just seem to be cruel and unusual punishment) but I have a much greater connection to the school than I used to and as a result the news of the past few months has been of huge interest. Here are a few of my thoughts on the entire case: 1) Jerry Sandusky has the worst lawyer on the face of the planet, 2) when you are on national television trying to proclaim your innocence and are asked “Are you sexually attracted to young boys?” there are two proper answers “No” or “Hell no”, a fifteen second pause is not the right answer, 3) Penn State president Graham Spanier should be ashamed of himself for not just ignoring the reports to him but in not giving a single press conference over the course of the scandal, 4) flipping over a news van in State College does not constitute a riot given that the same thing happens when they beat Minnesota in football, 5) the Board of Directors at Second Mile should be grilled more than anyone because they had all the reports of abuse but still stayed associated with Sandusky and 6) I honestly feel that Paterno was made out to be more of a fall guy than was necessary. Reading the Grand Jury report, which is disturbing beyond belief, it is still not clear what he knew and what actions he should have taken beyond what he immediately did. Yes, you could question whether he should have pushed for more follow up but I really dislike the fact that some people seem to view his actions as worse than Sandusky’s. Paterno is not the villain in this story.

Here is the last thing and the point that relates to this game: the players on the team had absolutely nothing to do with this. There were calls to kill the football program, cancel the season or forfeit their bowl berth all of which would punish the people who had no connection with the scandal at all. I am really impressed with how the players have handled the situation given that they are 20 year olds who have just had their entire world change without any say in the matter. So if you can find the game on channel 347 of your cable system feel free to cheer for Penn State for the athletes who are continuing to compete despite being faced with a challenge that should never have happened.

Outback Bowl: Michigan State vs. Georgia (1 PM, ABC): Is there anyone else surprised by the rather long ranging success of the Outback Steakhouse franchise? I mean, reasonably priced steakhouses seem to come and go as we have long since surpassed the days of Ponderosa and the Sizzler. And you have the whole Australian gimmick that tends to gain the nation’s attention once a decade and then fades away. Yet you still have these restaurants all over the place and when faced with a decision on where to have dinner when you are out of town it is a pretty good option. Have to say that I am rather impressed.

This is one of the classic Big Ten vs. SEC showdowns in which we get to see just how incredibly slow people are in the Midwest. It is just uncanny. It is like we bring a higher degree of gravity with us wherever we travel, which given the average size of a Big Ten fan may possibly be true. I think Wisconsin fans have their own gravitational field. You have to go with Georgia in this game for three reasons: 1) their football stadium is famous for having hedges thus being the only football team that is tremendously proud of their shrubbery, 2) they have a cute dog as a mascot and 3) even Notre Dame beat Michigan State this year.

Capital One Bowl: Nebraska vs. South Carolina (1 PM, ESPN): Now this is the most famous Big Ten vs. SEC matchup and I must admit that when I first saw the two teams playing I wondered why they weren’t including teams from either conference this year. Then I remembered that Nebraska was now in the Big Ten and that South Carolina has been in the SEC for years but always seems to be forgotten. I still can’t quite get my head around Nebraska being in the Big Ten. The Big Ten having 12 teams is fine, that the conferences are called Leaders and Legends is incomprehensible but acceptable at the same time, but exactly why I now have to consider Nebraska a rival is extremely confusing. I have nothing against corn though in terms of political correctness I guess we should refer to them as the Maizehuskers now, which would at least allow a rivalry with Michigan to arise. I also fully anticipate Steve Spurrier to utilize the Capital One Vikings in his offensive gameplan at one point in the game. I am still not clear how connecting your company with raping and pillaging is a good thing but given the way most people view the banking industry at the moment that is probably considered good PR.

Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl: Ohio State vs. Florida (1 PM, ESPN2): We have a new winner for the best bowl game sponsor ever! Yes, the only thing that can match the legendary Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl is the mother f-ing Slayer Bowl. No marching bands, just Slayer. Screw playing Charge after first downs: I want to hear Raining Blood!

(I am not kidding here. I would pay so much money to go to a college football game where all of the music of the game consisted of just Slayer playing in one end zone. Player injured? Time to hear “Perversions of Pain.” I am telling you if there is one thing that amateur athletics needs now more than ever it is thrash metal.)

This would be a title game in most years except now it is just a game being played in Jacksonville between a team that you thought wasn’t allowed to be in a bowl game due to sanctions against a team that just was not very good. This is the game you flip to and watch for a while because you really think that it should turn out to be a great game but then you realize that you are watching two pretty mediocre teams with the biggest story being that Urban Meyer will be Ohio State’s coach next year. So watch for a few minutes to hear the announcers talk about that and then just search online for old episodes of Headbanger’s Ball.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio: Wisconsin vs. Oregon (5 PM, ESPN): This is a really good matchup of sponsor and team as you would need a brand new, top of the line, Vizio television to fully grasp the grandeur of the Oregon uniform. I believe that they are now incorporating colors that are outside the human visual spectrum. It is the granddaddy of them all and should be a pretty good game. Both of these teams could arguably beat anyone on their best day and one year when we get an eight team playoff they will get their chance. Until then this is probably the best matchup of the day and it is always fun to watch the Rose Bowl. Or, as a kid growing up in the Midwest always understood it, “That game that we watch for the first quarter and then turn off in disgust as our school is down by 21 points already.”

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Stanford vs. Oklahoma State (8:30 PM, ESPN): I am sorry but I still don’t see what the big deal is about Andrew Luck. People are acting like he is going to be the greatest quarterback of all time but I just don’t see it. I can see him being a fine NFL quarterback and he has all of the tools but there is nothing about his game that screams all-time best to me. Plus, he went to Stanford and you just have to hate the guy on general principle for that. Stanford is a school where most of the student body is participating in the Occupy Wall Street movement even though the only reason that they are at Stanford is because they are part of the 1%. That said, Oklahoma State could very well rename itself T. Boone Pickens University next year and no one would bat an eyelash. I will be rooting for Oklahoma State here because it is always good to have one of these schools that are more outside the mainstream be at the top at the end of the year. Again, anything to give me a goddamn playoff system in college football.

January 3rd
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Michigan vs. Virginia Tech (8:30 P.M. ESPN): Come for the game but stay for the Mayhem commercials. Seriously, that is one of the best ad campaigns of recent memory. I am amazed at how competitive advertising is for insurance. You have Mayhem, the Geico lizards and cavemen and whatever the hell Flo is for Progressive. It is the modern day equivalent of the cola wars except without celebrities and the inability to do blind taste tests. As for the game itself, Virginia Tech has already had one player suspended for missing curfew and the game is still a few days away. It is kind of unfair to have a curfew in New Orleans given that time doesn’t technically exist in the city. It is more of a “I’ll meet you sometime this evening, whenever we both end up in the same location, or maybe not. It all depends on how the wandering goes.” Michigan is a fun team to watch but they have played so above expectations that they have to come down to Earth at some point. I guess I am just not a big supporter of Big Ten teams in bowl games this year which is usually how you are instructed to bet in Vegas. Still, this should be a rather fun game.

January 4th
Discover Orange Bowl: West Virginia vs. Clemson (8:30 PM, ESPN): I’m not sure we really need to discover the color orange. In fact, Clemson will be wearing orange so it really should not come as a surprise to much of the viewing audience just what the entire concept of orange details. I have to admit that I have been a Clemson fan for a long time for no reason other than they were really good when I was seven years old and they seemed to have cool uniforms. Also, college football always seems to be a lot more fun when a school like Clemson is at the top. Any time there is a team in title contention who a vast majority of the country could not tell you what state they are in just makes for a fun season. West Virginia is this year’s representative of the Big East, which was founded as a basketball conference, became a football conference to the point where they gained entry into the BCS, and will soon consist of every school in the country that can declare itself east of a geographic landmark. Except for West Virginia of course, which should be in the Big West by definition.

January 6th
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Kansas State vs. Arkansas (8 P.M., Fox): I have no idea how Kansas State ended up with a good team this year. Five years in Kansas City has made me more aware of Kansas State than I ever wanted to be in my entire life. That was five years listening to people talking about Manhattan and not referring to either the Woody Allen movie or New York City. I thought I could free myself of the team in silver and purple with the Thundercats logo on their helmet but here they are challenging another school with Kansas in their name. It is inescapable. Everything in life ties back to this rather flat state. Again, I am boycotting the Cotton Bowl until they start playing it in the Cotton Bowl again. We must follow truth in advertising laws in at least some areas in life.

January 7th
BBVA Compass Bowl: SMU vs. Pittsburgh (1 PM, ESPN): Last year when I wrote my bowl preview I made two major points about this game. 1) That I had no idea what BBVA was and they were so lazy in marketing that I wasn’t going to bother to google them and 2) that their CEO had an intense, almost sexual, attraction to compasses and navigational devices of all kinds. You would not want to see him in the same room with an astrolabe. This resulted in my receiving actual hate mail in the comments from a BBVA employee who told me that they were one of the largest banks in Spain. A year later and I still couldn’t tell you how that could in any way be considered a good thing.

Look, this is the point in the bowl season where absolutely no one cares any more. I couldn’t tell you much about SMU or Pitt other than they both probably finished with winning records and that A) SMU used to be really cool back in the days of Eric Dickerson and Craig James when they were openly paying their players and B) Pitt hired Dave Waanstadt to be their head coach at one point in time, which had roughly the same effect on the program as when SMU was given the death penalty. You don’t have to watch this game. Read a book or something.

January 8th
GoDaddy.com Bowl: Arkansas State vs. Northern Illinois (9 P.M., ESPN): One of the saddest events in sports last year was the death of Indy Car driver Dan Wheldon. I turned on the race after the accident had occurred and I knew just from the tone of the announcers and the fact that they would not show a replay that he had to have been killed in the crash. When I finally saw it, it was one of the worst that I have ever seen in my roughly 30 years of watching auto racing. The coverage that ABC provided was excellent in tone with only one slight problem. When they went to commercial it was invariably to a GoDaddy spot featuring Danica Patrick. It wasn’t their fault, the spots were pre-planned but if there was one point in time when you did not want to have the sexy commercials that was it. Plus, at what point in time do they get to change their brand image? Will they always be known for the slightly but not really risqué ads? The biggest thing to know about this game is that there is an actual school called Arkansas State, which is great to know if you are asked if there are more than one institutions of higher learning in the state of Arkansas. Cheer for NIU because they are the Huskies and at some point having a lovable dog as your mascot should be reason enough.

January 9th
Allstate BCS National Championship Game: LSU vs. Alabama (8:30 P.M. ESPN): It all comes down to this. The bowl season ends with a game that doesn’t even have the word Bowl anywhere in its title. I mention this every year but it pisses me off more than everything. The reason we don’t have a playoff is because of “the sanctity of the bowl system.” You don’t even end with a bowl game! Assholes.

I watched the first LSU – Alabama game and what I remember most vividly was the wide array of houndstooth clothing worn by the Alabama faithful. That was more impressive than anything I saw on the field that day. Not that it was a bad game, more like it was two dominant defenses going up against two average offenses so it seemed like nothing ever happened. For one of those Game of the Century matchups it really was anti-climactic. The fact that one can say that about a game that went to overtime is astounding.

I am expecting this game to be different. You have LSU playing in the Superdome. They are the better team on both sides of the ball and they know it. I can see them beating up Alabama early and then coasting to victory. That will bring the college football season to a welcome end. We could all use a break.

Best of 120 Minutes: Let’s start the New Year’s off with some old school Veruca Salt, shall we? Not like there is any new school Veruca Salt to choose from anyway.

2011 Bowl Preview: Part Two

2011-12-12T22:20:00.000-06:00

Let’s take on the next set of bowl games as we make our way through the New Year’s Eve.

December 28th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: Toledo vs. Air Force (4:30 PM, ESPN): Somehow I can never imagine Northrop Grumman as a bowl sponsor. I am not even sure what a Northrop Grumman commercial would look like. Maybe it is just “We’d like to tell you just how awesome we are as a company but that is classified information. So instead let’s just look at puppies frolicking in the grass for 30 seconds. Northrop Grumman: Any company that loves puppies couldn’t possibly be evil.” Look, it is the Military Bowl so you have to cheer for Air Force though Toledo gets points for being the Rockets.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: California vs. Texas (8 PM, ESPN): A less than quality matchup in the Holiday Bowl, which usually features two teams that eschew defense and encourage brining Jim Brown out of retirement for one last game. Though there is the possibility of Colt McCoy could return because, well, it’s not like he has much else to do right now and could use to get away from Cleveland for a week. Texas is having a poor year and Cal is one of those schools that are annoying in every aspect. Athletically, academically, hell, even their mascot is annoying. Their main rival is Stanford for crying out loud. I have to cheer for Texas simply so that I won’t have to feel the need to immediately take a shower after the game.

December 29th
Champs Sports Bowl: Florida State vs. Notre Dame (5:30 PM, ESPN): Here is the highlight for Notre Dame this year: we went an entire regular season without anyone dying. That is how bad I still feel about last season. Hell, I lost hope for this season five minutes into our first game when our opening drive results in a fumble that is returned 95 yards for a touchdown, followed by the game suspended by a massive thunderstorm and concluded with a loss to South Florida. At worst, we should be 10-2 with losses to USC and Stanford, resulting in maybe a BCS bowl or at least a nice game in January. Instead it is a bowl game between two teams that totally underachieved sponsored by that really crappy shoe store at the mall. I know that I could talk about the legendary rivalry between the two teams but that would imply that both teams are worthy of a rivalry. On the plus side, we do get one more game of Brian Kelly screaming at 19 year olds and that is always a good thing.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Washington vs. Baylor (9 PM, ESPN): For the record, San Antonio is an incredibly underrated city. The Riverwalk is a blast and it is a really fun place to spend a few days. The Alamodome is an odd stadium though; it seems to have been designed for every sport other than football. Anyway, this is your Heisman Trophy winner game featuring the only Heisman Trophy winner that no one actually watched over the course of a season. Traditionally this results in the winner playing so horribly that we wish we could retroactively announce the results. Washington is a state in the Pacific Northwest. Sorry, I don’t have anything witty to say besides that. Well, that and I assume that the halftime show is just a bunch of people singing “Valero”.

December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: BYU vs. Tulsa (Noon, ESPN): This game is being played at Gerald J. Ford Stadium so expect a lot of stumbles, fumbles, interceptions and references to ending a national nightmare. Surprisingly though this game is in Dallas given that Gerald Ford a) represented Michigan, b) played for the University of Michigan and c) Michigan plays in Lyndon B. Johnson Memorial Stadium. Also, this game suffers from only having Air Force make the bowls from the service academies. You can’t have a Military Bowl and an Armed Forces Bowl and only allow one military school to play. They should just let Air Force play in both games. Also, if someone could explain to me why a school in Oklahoma is nicknamed the “Golden Hurricane” when a) they don’t have a coastline and b) that nickname seems to be just asking for a double entendre.

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Rutgers vs. Iowa State (3:20 PM, ESPN): No, I have no idea why the game is scheduled to start at 3:20. Maybe they want to be careful not to have any overlap with the exciting conclusion of the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl. This is the game played in Yankee Stadium for those who like their football played the old fashioned way: in a baseball stadium that wasn’t in any way designed for football featuring a crowd made up of guido and guidettes complaining about how they can’t show off their tans under all of their layers. Has Snooki officially become the mascot of Rutgers yet? The fact that Rutgers is the state college of New Jersey but in no way associates itself with the state in its own name tells you an awful lot about the state. I almost went to grad school at Iowa State because I realized that the only places one should study for master’s degrees in electrical engineering is in cities where when you look out your window all you see is corn. That is the only thing that can make looking at circuit diagrams sound like an exciting alternative,

(Bonus Jersey Shore rant: So Kim and I watch Jersey Shore because there is no greater comedy on the air right now. The best way to watch the show is to realize the each of the people on the show is trying to get airtime to further their own careers while simultaneously trying to cash in what little fame they have. Thus you have Vinnie acting nice because he is trying to make his way into an acting career and J-Woww acts like a mom half the time because she is this close to a guest host gig on the View (or at least becoming an Access Hollywood correspondent). On the other hand, Situation is just trying to get as much airtime as possible to up his appearance fees because the second the show goes off the air he is going to drop off the face of the earth. Ron and Sammie are forced to realize that as long as the show is on the air they are going to have to alternately act like a couple or fight because otherwise they have nothing to do. And Snookie and Deena have reached the point where random strangers are about to stage an intervention for them. Seriously MTV, at some point watching people get blackout drunk in the afternoon stops being funny. Pauly D is cool, though.)

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Wake Forest (6:40 PM, ESPN): For crying out loud ESPN, you have multiple networks. Use them so that we have start times that make at least some sense. Besides, I’d recommend starting this game earlier due to the high probability that the stadium will file for foreclosure at some point in the second quarter. Ah, real estate lending humor, nothing better in the world. Anyway, Mississippi State is coached by the guy who I have heard mentioned the most often as the new Penn State coach so that might give you a reason to watch the game as well. Wake Forest is the alma mater of the legendary Brian Picolo so if you watch Brian’s Song you technically get credit for watching this game as well. It will also encourage you to dust more often as I always get something caught in my eye at the end of the film.

Insight Bowl: Iowa vs. Oklahoma (10 PM, ESPN): I always love bowl games named after general concepts. We’ve lost the Humanitarian Bowl but we still have the Insight Bowl. A Revelation Bowl would also be pretty cool though a Polite Dismissal of a Poorly Developed Theorem Bowl would probably have a hard time getting sponsorship. As an Illini I cannot in good conscience cheer for Iowa in everything including the production of corn. It really is the most hated rival for those of us who went to the school in the early 90’s and had to deal with four years of crappy basketball teams because of Bruce Pearl’s secret recording sessions. I still hate that bastard. I can’t recall the last time that Oklahoma was forced to play a bowl game in December. I don’t know if anyone has informed them that even though the game is in Arizona that it is not the Fiesta Bowl. Maybe we should all just act as if it is the Fiesta Bowl to make them feel better.

December 31st
Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Northwestern (Noon, ESPN): I understand the independence movement is strong in Texas but I don’t think that they have to go so far as declare their own sovereign version of Meineke Car Care. If the union of Meineke Car Care dealerships cannot be preserved then we are all doomed. Texas A&M is headed off to the SEC and is actually a worse fit for the conference than Missouri. Hell, they are a worse fit than Vanderbilt. At least Vanderbilt has the southern genteel style and the belief that wearing a sport coat to a football game makes it much easier to sneak in alcohol. Texas A&M games seem to always resemble one large ROTC meeting and I can’t see that meshing with schools where people hold up rolls of toilet paper and boxes of Tide at regular intervals. This is also another one of those games where the bowl decided to take a Big Ten school not named Penn State because they didn’t want to be associated with the controversy, which is just stunning if you know how bowl games work. All bowl games care about is getting people to travel to the game and how the city of Houston could think that they will get more Northwestern alums to travel to a game then Penn State is insane. And that is not even getting into the difference in ratings. Plus, given that Illinois beat Northwestern this year for the trophy formerly referred to as the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk they should be in this game anyway.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Utah (2 PM, CBS): Finally a bowl game that is not on the ESPN family of networks. Utah joined the PAC 12 this year and I don’t think that anyone noticed. To be honest, Urban Meyer may have still been secretly coaching there for all I know. Georgia Tech runs the triple option offense which is always fun if you like running, pitches, a quick game and believe that Knute Rockne was completely wrong when he decided to implement the forward pass. If I remember correctly the Sun Bowl is one of the oldest bowl games in existence, which probably is nice to know if you ever find yourself in El Paso and need to start a conversation with something other than, “Hello, can you please help me find a way to get out of El Paso?”

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt (3:30 PM, ABC): Crap, I’ve already used my Vanderbilt jokes. I mean, who could anticipate Vanderbilt making a bowl game (and not Tennessee, which says something about how far that program has fallen.) Cincinnati is a) a city that I have never been able to properly spell my entire life and b) really proud of its chili in much the same way that Kansas City is of its barbecue except that Cincinnati chili is unlike any kind of chili known to man. (By the way, I’ve always preferred Memphis barbecue, which is probably why I never really fit in well in KC.) At least this game is no longer the St. Jude’s Hospital Liberty Bowl where the halftime show would often feature sick children. I am not kidding. The only thing that could compare to it would be the Rescue Shelter Bowl featuring Sarah McLachlan as the halftime entertainment. I swear to you if I ever win the lottery I am going to donate a portion to the ASPCA on the sole condition that they never use a Sarah McLachlan song in a commercial again.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Illinois vs. UCLA (3:30 PM, ESPN): I know I said this last year but I have to say it again. Hey Kraft! You want to fight hunger? How about you, I don’t know, donate food? Or instead of celebrating record profit margins on Macaroni and Cheese why not lower the price by a nickel? Though I will support a Kraft Fight Hunger Games where the food options in the cornucopia are solely Kraft products. I am so psyched to see that movie as any book that as you read it makes you wonder just how many people you could kill if forced to fight to the death is precisely what I feel we need to use to inspire the next generation. How else are they supposed to prosper if we do not raise them to anticipate an apocalyptic hellscape where you may be called upon to murder the person you just met three days ago as a means of entertaining others?

Anyway, Illinois football… Sigh. At one point this year we were 6 – 0 and I could legitimately make a case for us to play in the Big 10 championship game or at least be 9 – 3 and playing in a nice bowl game in January. Instead we lose six straight in more and more humiliating fashion and end up firing Ron Zook who gets added to the list of coaches who couldn’t figure out how to make the Illini even a consistent squad despite having the best talent that we have had in ages. I’m not even sure where they will go for a coach now. I would like for once in my life to have the Illini be consistently decent. I’m not even talking good, just decent. UCLA actually is in a bowl game despite having a losing record which makes this possibly the most depressing matchup ever. Well, at least it is a rematch of that legendary 1984 Rose Bowl where, yeah, Illinois got slaughtered but at least the Chief got to dance at halftime. Oh wait, we don’t even have the Chief anymore. Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia vs. Auburn: (7:30 PM, ESPN): I still think they should call this the Peach Bowl just because Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is such a confusing combination that it makes one wonder if affordable chicken sandwiches and produce could make a pleasurable combination. I’ll have to admit that pretty much anything would go well with Chick-fil-A. The only benefit of having had to spend numerous hours at the Philadelphia airport is the fact that the Concourse B/C food court has a Chick-fil-A. Though those bastards closed on the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend because for some reason God doesn’t want me to have waffle fries on a Sunday. It’s enough to question your faith.

This is the game that you have on as you face that dilemma of whether or not you actually want to go out on New Year’s Eve. Now that I am married this is a slightly easier decision as I actually have someone to be with at midnight but back in the KC days this was always the point of no return. There you are, watching an over-achieving ACC team taking on an under-achieving SEC team while cows take over the screen every five minutes and you have to decide whether to go out, face a bunch of idiot drunks to only be alone at midnight or stay at home, conclude that Cam Newton and Bo Jackson are the only two people who could make you care about Auburn football and spend the rest of the evening drinking whiskey straight from the bottle in a darkened apartment while listening to Morrissey cds. Not that I have any experience in that matter. Though I recommend Viva Hate if you are in the mood to do so.

Next time, all of the January games. Title games, Arkansas State and the best metal band in history. Stay tuned.

Bowl Preview Part One

2011-12-11T12:13:00.001-06:00

It is that time of year again. Time to continue my annual tradition of previewing all 35 college bowl games. This will take a few days so sit back, relax, and enjoy the wonder that is modern college football.

(In chronological order, all times Eastern, all jokes intentional)

December 17th:
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Temple vs. Wyoming (2 PM, ESPN): Fennis Dembo will be coaching Wyoming I assume. This is because Fennis Dembo is the only person I know who has ever been associated with the University of Wyoming. In fact, for males of a certain age Fennis Dembo may be all we know about the state of Wyoming. Who the hell is Fennis Dembo you may ask? Fennis Dembo was a basketball player who was put on the cover of Sports Illustrated in the late 80’s in a college basketball preview issue where SI ranked Wyoming 3rd and called Dembo the best player in the nation. The team didn’t even make the tournament and Dembo went on to be the last guy off the bench on one of the Pistons championship teams. Still, fame is fame and everyone has always enjoyed saying the name Fennis Dembo over and over again. Temple has a football team, which is always shocking to me, and I expect that most of the residents of Philadelphia are referring to this game as the God Damn New Mexico Bowl. Not out of spite as to where the team ended up; it’s just that Philadelphians typically use God Damn as an adjective for every noun to the fact that children are taught in grade school that “God Damn Dick and God Damn Jane ran up the God Damn hill.”

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio vs. Utah State (5:30 PM, ESPN): This should not be confused with the Infamous Idaho Potato, who murdered eight in a cross-country crime spree back in 1977 in what is often referred to as the “Summer of Spud.” This is traditionally my favorite bowl game of the year as two teams, after an incredible amount of effort and toil, are forced to travel to Boise, Idaho to play on blue turf for no apparent reason. It is quite possibly the only bowl game where you feel sorry for the players. Also, this game would be much more interesting if you move the State from one to the other. This game reads like a straight to DVD knockoff of a better bowl game.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: San Diego State vs. Louisiana – Lafayette (9 PM, ESPN): It is now the Mercedes-Benz Superdome, which just sounds all sorts of wrong. When a stadium hasn’t had corporate sponsorship for decades it just seems bizarre to change the name like that. San Diego State will soon be joining the Big East in that San Diego is east of….the Pacific Ocean I guess. Conference realignment is going to really screw up kids sense of geography. As always, take Louisiana – Lafayette in this game as they have home field advantage as San Diego is probably one of the few cities that people wouldn’t leave for a weekend in New Orleans. I assume that R+L Carries is either a) a moving company or b) an air condition company with a slight possibility that the R refers to one and the L refers to the other.

December 20th
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Florida International vs. Marshall (8 PM, ESPN): This is the Florida version of St. Petersburg and not the Russian version though a December game in Russia would actually be super cool. Or cold, one of the two. Certainly a game in Russia would allow the announcers to say, “Boy, I bet a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s” would taste good right now. Anyway, we have the fifth best team in Florida playing the other team from West Virginia in a contest to determine who will get to say that they won a bowl game this year. I will go with Florida International because of the legend of Ned (long story). By the way, I’m proud of myself for not writing a single Brady Quinn joke this entire time. Figure he doesn’t need the attention given that he is sitting on the depth chart behind a guy who everyone states cannot throw a football.

December 21st
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: TCU vs. Louisiana Tech (8 PM, ESPN): I have never understood the sponsorship behind this bowl game. Beyond the fact that it makes for the longest bowl game name and must drive the announcers crazy (and this is before we get into the whole how do you pronounce poinsettia debate) the only people who could care about the sponsorship are residents of San Diego, which is why you have teams from Texas and Louisiana involved. Maybe this will turn into a whole Occupy Wall Street game where they push people to go to credit unions, kind of like the Anti-Capital One Bowl. I’m not sure if even TCU knows what conference it is currently in but after the Rose Bowl last year I don’t think they even care. I guarantee that at one point the announcers will say “Remember folks that poinsettias are poisonous, just like the TCU defense.”

December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Arizona State vs. Boise State (8 PM, ESPN): Some people would complain that due to a loss to TCU that Boise State is kept from playing in a BCS bowl and how unfair that makes the BCS system. I do not believe you will hear that from Boise State though as a trip to Las Vegas has to be more exciting than spending more time in Idaho. Though you have to wonder how the team adjusts to playing on fields that are actually green. You have to expect that Boise will win this game as a) Arizona State lost to Illinois this year and b) Arizona State represents the PAC-12 conference whose official motto is “Eleven fine academic institutions and Arizona State.” As for me, I’ll be at the blackjack tables for this one.

December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. Southern Mississippi (8 PM, ESPN): The annual Christmas Eve tradition. Some people go to church, some hang stockings by the fireplace while others spend the holidays by watching a game in a place they wish they could visit featuring two teams that they have never cared about in their entire lives. It is like the opposite of the Idaho bowl in that two teams underperform all year just so they can end up lounging on the beach on Christmas Day. So screw these two teams. Hope the game goes into like thirty five overtimes and they end up eating some bad poi and get food poisoning. Serves them right for getting to enjoy the holidays.

December 26th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Missouri vs. North Carolina (5 PM, ESPN2): Back in the old days you knew what bowls were about. The Orange Bowl was about oranges, the Bluebonnet Bowl was about whatever a Bluebonnet is and the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl was about how the Poulan Weed Eater played a pivotal role in the Revolutionary War. As George Washington wrote in his memoirs “We shall not be able to cross the Delaware unless our shipment of Poulan Weed Eaters arrive and allow us to clear a path to the shoreline. Without the economically priced Poulan Weed Eaters are cause would most certainly be lost.” Now the Independence Bowl is either about a car engine or a type of medication that you should see your doctor about a prescription for. Anyway, as I still keep up on Kansas City news for some reason I know that there is a great uproar about Missouri leaving the Big 12 for the SEC and I have to say that I agree. Missouri is just not an SEC team. When Arkansas joined I could kind of understand it but Missouri just doesn’t make sense. It does screw over Kansas City as well as they will lose all the Big 12 championship games and there is no way in the world that the SEC would ever send a tournament their way. So go Carolina I guess.

December 27th
Little Caesars Bowl: Western Michigan vs. Purdue (4:30 PM, ESPN): I have to at least give them credit for not calling this the Pizza Bowl as a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl sounds like one of the most sickening food items that could ever be imagined by the minds at KFC, who I believe are now encouraged to think up the most mind boggling items for their menu. Heck, I always felt that Little Caesars was always a little underrated in the mass produced pizza department so kudos for them for some solid marketing. Sadly, this bowl game might be the least interesting one of the year as it features a game that you would expect to see in the middle of September. In all honesty these teams may have already played this year and no one would notice. Tune in to see the world’s largest bass drum that plays a major role in Purdue’s band. Or spend the game drinking boilermakers whenever Purdue touches the ball and listening to MC5 songs whenever Western Michigan does. It will certainly make the game go faster.

Belk Bowl: Louisville vs. North Carolina State (8 PM, ESPN): Ok, new rule. Bowl games are no longer allowed to be named after sound effects from the old Batman television show. I swear that once Robin hit one of Penguin’s henchmen and “Belk” came up on screen. (By the way, I really want a story surrounding the temp agency that hires out henchmen to super-villains. Obviously someone has filled that market niche as I find it difficult to think that the Joker has his own HR department.) For those wondering Wikipedia informed me that Belk is the name of a department store as opposed to the electrical supply company that I originally imagined it to be. This will be a perfectly acceptable football game featuring two teams that you haven’t watched all year but who you know have football teams. That is the essence of bowl season, the time of year where you are so frazzled from having to spend time with family that watching a North Carolina State football game seems like a welcome respite from real life. Also, feel free to use Belk as your new all-purpose profanity. “What a Belky thing to say”, “She is such a Belk”, “What the Belk?” Works great.

Tomorrow I will go through the New Year’s Eve games and will feature rants on Notre Dame, Illinois, Jersey Shore and reasonably priced chicken sandwiches.

Best of 120 Minutes: I still have to write up something about R.E.M.’s official retirement but this will have to do for now.

Paying for noise

2011-12-08T21:56:00.000-06:00

As always, I swear I am not making any of this up.

Kim has introduced me to the wonders of using a sound machine to fall asleep. It is something that took a little while to get used to as the first few nights resulted in my lying awake in bed trying to find the pattern in white noise. I mean, it couldn’t all be random static, could it? Anyway, after a while it just became a part of my routine to use a sound machine.

This led to several years of buying sound machines and then having them come to rather unfortunate ends. One blew up when I plugged it into an outlet in Iceland where, despite the fact that the converter I purchased specifically stated that it could be used worldwide, apparently has an electric grid developed by magical elves. Another was destroyed on a cruise shi[ when I mistakenly set the ourlet to European voltage instead of American. Yes, that does cause Kim to question just how I earned a degree in electrical engineering. On other occasions I have been forced to purchase a sound machine for an infant’s room as it was the only one that I could find. In that case I recommend not using the heartbeat or womb noises because they are incredibly freaky and will give you nightmares. It might explain why we are all so screwed up.

In any case I always end up buying sound machines, which typically meant a trip to Brookstone to be the only person who isn’t there just to sit in the massaging chair. Then a few weeks ago Kim was out of town and had forgotten her sound machine. I thought, “Hey, we have free mobile to mobile minutes, why don’t I just put my phone next to my sound machine and she can put her phone on speaker all night.” That didn’t work well and she spent the night sans white noise. In the middle of the night I wake up and go, “Hey, I bêt there is an iPhone app for a sound machine. She should download that.” I then immediately had three thoughts come to mind.

1) It would have been really useful if I had thought of that four hours ago so I could have helped out my wife.
2) It would have been really useful if I had thought of that a year or two ago so I wouldn’t have spent several hundred dollars on machines that have since broken.
3) It would have been even better if I had written the code for this app a few years ago when I, you know, happened to be making a living by promoting apps on cell phones.
I am still not sure which one of these three pissed me off the most, though I am most upset about the first one. But I couldn’t believe that I had missed such a simple market opportunity. All a sound machine is a speaker with a recorded sound loop on it. It probably takes five seconds to write the code for the app and someone did it and made a ton of money and I could have done it if I recognized the opportunity. It’s really upsetting to realize that you were dumb as a rock in your past (even though I realize that I am done in the present every day.)

The interesting thing about this, and why I am telling the story, is that when people talk about taking advantage of opportunities the challenge is less having the courage to take advantage but being aware that the opportunities exist. I’ve been on the cutting edge of two of the major technical revolutions in my lifetime: I was one of the first people on the web using Mosaic at Illinois and then I worked in mobile data just as cell phones were taking off. In both instances I recognized what was happening but didn’t really figure out how to take advantage of it. The web was just a neat toy and even I didn’t quite grasp the ubiquitousness of cell phones (though I think my argument that no one will ever watch TV on a phone has taken hold.) Sometimes you need the ability to take a step back and see the bigger picture and realize where the gaps are.

By the way, anyone need a sound machine suitable for an infant? It has two settings: soothing lullabye or gurgling hellbeast.

Forgotten MTV Personalities: Volume One

2011-12-07T22:01:00.002-06:00

Inspired by the book “I Want my MTV” I am starting a new recurring feature in which we examine some of the legendary characters of the Golden Era of MTV…

VJ’s always came in different shapes and styles. There were always the cute girl next door types or the comedian or the guy who is best known for his hair (few people know that widescreen TVs were invented solely to fully capture the glory of Adam Curry’s mane.) But only one WV existed solely to be the grunge DJ and that is our old friend, Steve Isaacs.

Featuring a look that screamed either “Seattle” or “That guy who sits in the fourth row of your English 103 class” Steve Isaacs ushered MTV into an era of Pearl Jam and Nirvana and left once we reached the era of Bush and Silverchair and completely disavowed all knowledge of the network by the time of Limp Bizkit. He was an example of 120 Minutes becoming mainstream as we no longer require a British accent to denote what was cool or not. Even if that was by having a kind of goofy, skinny guy with long hair act as the representative for an entire generation.

I have to be completely honest here, before reading I Want My MTV I could not for the life of me remember this guy and certainly not his name. But I guarantee that once people my age look at his picture we all immediately remember him. That was one of the wonders of MTV where even the minor celebrities became an integral part of our lives because they were always there. But more accurately, Steve Isaacs was probably the first VJ that I can remember who I legitimately thought that I could know in real life.

Because that really was the way a group of us were in the early 90’s. Ok, maybe I did not have the long hair and I wore less flannel but the idea of being young and really into this new type of music and having an almost childlike enthusiasm about it. We hung out at record stores at 11:55 on Monday nights just so we could get the new releases at midnight because we just had to have that new Breeders CD immediately. We made mixtapes and spent our free time rummaging through used CD racks trying to find some hidden gem. We thought we were unique but really we were just enjoying the thrill of youth and experiencing life on our own terms.

So cheers to you, Steve Isaacs. Once Pearl Jam no longer required MTV neither did you or any other member of Generation X. And who could sit through a Bush video anyway.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve been listening to a lot of Jason Isbell recently. He is a former member of the Drive-By Truckers and might be one of the best songwriters around today. Give him a listen.

Cursive! Foiled again

2011-12-06T21:26:00.002-06:00

It was in the news last week that Indiana lawmakers were looking to pass legislation to require that the Indiana Department of Education require the teaching of cursive in schools. This raises numerous questions like “Are these the same legislators that decided that daylight savings time did not exist until three years ago?” or “Didn’t they once almost pass a bill that stated that the value of Pi was three?” or “Wow, I didn’t even think Indiana had a department of education?” But mainly it makes you wonder about writing in cursive and what skills from my youth are no longer necessary.

(By the way, I am not kidding about the whole Pi being equal to three thing. There literally was a bill that nearly passed the Indiana legislature which would have made that true. One of my favorite pieces of math trivia ever. Also, I must be the only person who not only has a favorite piece of math trivia but also has numerous lesser quality pieces of math trivia in his repertoire. Sigh.)

I don’t know about anyone else but I was taught how to write in cursive in third grade on that weird three line paper with the light line to show how high to make the smaller letters. I will say that I was taught cursive but I don’t think I can say that I ever mastered it. My handwriting was always atrocious. I knew what all the letters looked like (including the fact that a capital Q looked way to much like a 2 than it should) but I could never write them in any manner that anyone else could read. I’m pretty sure teachers never read anything that I wrote, they just assumed that I was smart and graded appropriately. Throughout grade school I was forced to write in cursive and once I was given some more flexibility in high school I started printing everything. My handwriting still sucks but it is at least vaguely legible now. The only thing I write in cursive is my signature.

In fact, I am probably old fashioned in the way that I still write down anything. At least at work I have my daily notes for the day written in a notebook and I will always write my to do lists on paper. Most people would just use their laptops to keep notes and text or email messages. I know that I am the last person to have actually written a letter and I bet most students would rather take notes electronically than in a battered notebook. Cursive seems like a completely foreign skill.

I’m not sure where I fall in the debate, though. You certainly do not need cursive in order to survive in modern society. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I have needed to read cursive in real life. From a practical matter it is a completely useless skill that does not provide you with any measurable advantage. But there is a part of me that still remembers learning cursive as being a major portion of growing up for one reason…

As a kid I would go to the library and check out collections of Peanuts cartoons. I would read them and always be upset when I got to a series of strips with Charlie Brown writing to his pencil pal. Since he wrote in cursive I could never understand the strips. Learning cursive in third grade allowed me to get the jokes. In some way that made me feel like I was growing up. I think kids need to have those little victories. Makes life a little easier to handle.

A return of sorts...

2011-12-05T22:57:00.000-06:00

On the plane tonight I finished Julian Barnes’ “The Sense of an Ending.” In and of itself that probably is not reason enough to restart the blog. If what I read is the inspiration for posting again then my devouring “I Want my MTV”, the oral history of the first decade of MTV, would be the top choice. But the book has put some thoughts in my mind that tie into what I’ve been thinking about recently and why I wanted to start writing again.

The novel, which is a very good read, focuses upon perception and memory and how we interpret our own past. We each consider ourselves to be the hero of our own story and we have created a mythology of our own legend. These memories define who we are but as we get older the question as to whether those memories are real or not become more and more in doubt. As Barnes writes, “History can be viewed as the lies of the winners or the self-delusions of the defeated.”

This made me think about how we document our lives, whether through pictures or videos or words. One of the reasons that I write is that I find it therapeutic to keep a record of my thoughts. Not that I feel that there is any historic value to them. In fact, for years I kept all of my writings to myself. It is not really what I write that is important as the pure act of writing and getting my thoughts out. For some reason I best express myself by looking at a screen and letting words flow from my fingers. I am more thoughtful and eloquent in this form and when I stop writing it effects who I am as a person. And I’ve spent too long of a time not writing and it is really becoming noticeable.

Battling the Current really is a record of who I am, or more accurately who I was. I wrote constantly from November 2004 until March 2011, which would just happen to correspond to when I got married. Now there are a lot of reasons as to why I stopped writing (mainly getting married, moving and switching jobs in the same week made my life so stressful that I can’t really describe it) but one major point is that the story behind the blog had come to an end. I started the blog to document my journey of being on my own, going out and trying to find the woman of my dreams. Once that story was completed I had no idea what the new story would be, which is a fancy way of saying that I was really wondering where my life was headed next.

I think I have it now. I still have a lot of growing to do and striving to become the man that I want to be. For years that was about creating that image as I sat at the end of a bar and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Now it is about more being than image and to stop paying lip service. The stories of our own histories that we tell ourselves are not always true. Sometimes you have to face some harsh lights. But that is how we grow. And that journey is what the next phase of my writing is going to be about.

So yes, I am back to writing every day. And yes, it will be the usual mix of pop culture and discussions of a bizarre world and the occasional derogatory reference to the state of Kansas. Some things never change. But the story has changed directions.

Hitting the gym

2011-08-16T21:42:00.001-05:00

Sorry for the break between posts but as you obviously know it was The Gathering of the Juggalos this weekend so I had to make my way to Cave-In-Rock to hang out with my fellow ninjas. Dude, they had a ferris wheel there this year…

(I’m scared for the people who will actually get the reference. For a while there whenever anyone asked me about where we were going on our honeymoon I would answer “Gathering of the Juggalos, best honeymoon ever.” It would result in either a) blank stares or b) people backing away very slowly. The things I do to enjoy myself….

By the way, honeymoon was in Alaska.)

So, since I took my break from posting I have gotten on a huge workout kick. (Kim has as well and she is just doing amazing.) As I’ve written about before I’ve been trying to get my weight under control and I am proud to say that I am now at 185 pounds, basically 30 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest last year. This is the lightest I have been for at least five years and maybe closer to ten. It is nice to have clothes that no longer fit because they are too big.

I am working with a trainer. Well, more like trainers. I’m on to my third different trainer in Chicago as the first two both left the gym under mysterious circumstances. I am not making this up. I’d go to the gym for my usual appointment only to be told that my trainer no longer works there. Given that I’ve only been using the gym for less than four months this is a pretty big degree of turnover. It sucks in that I have to get used to a new trainer and start over again but I have learned a few things in the process.

Basically I am working on building muscle and improving my flexibility and balance. I am pretty bad at all three at the present moment. I have no flexibility in my legs at all and I am embarrassed to say that simply standing on one leg without tipping over can be a challenge at times. I’ve never really carried much muscle and because of my injury history I’ve been more than a little frightened about lifting weights. I have been surprised at how well the weight lifting is going though. My shoulder and hip aren’t bothering me too badly and I’ve been making progress.

Cardio is still where I am best. Not that I am particularly fast on a treadmill or the elliptical. I can just go for a long time. Not sure if this is because of my training or the fact that I have a high tolerance for boredom. It takes a certain type of person to go for an hour on a treadmill and being an athlete is not really one of the requirements.

What has been so good about this is that it hasn’t really been about losing weight. I am happy that I am and especially that I am no longer, medically speaking, overweight but I am really focused on how I feel and what I can now do. I’ve been making huge progress and really look forward to my workouts (even my 7 AM sessions with my trainer.) It is a great stress release and I just feel so much better. It is pretty amazing that I am going to be turning 38 and might possibly be in the best shape of my life. Not a bad time to get in shape.

MTV: The First 30 Years (Part Two)

2011-08-03T22:52:00.000-05:00

The second half of the top ten icons / shows / events in the 30 year history of MTV. Well, actually just the next three so there is a third half coming tomorrow.

Tabitha Soren: Since MTV is one of those constants in the life of every teenager / twentysomething over the past thirty years the network has an interesting commonality: every member of Gen X and Y had a young crush on one of the personalities. If I was a little older it would be Martha Quinn but know, Tabitha Soren is the one that stole my heart. From the moment she first appeared (as one of the girls in the party in the Beastie Boys video “You’ve got to fight for your right”) to her place at the side of Kurt Loder (making him even more of a creepy old man) she was smart, cool, hip and everything that college me wanted in a girlfriend. Yes, I fell for a news reporter who ended up marrying the guy who wrote “The Blind Side”. I was a rather troubled youth in retrospect.

MTV Animation (Liquid Television / Aeon Flux / Beavis and Butthead / Daria / The Head / The Maxx and maybe Clone High): I hate the fact that MTV now has nothing to do with music. Here are the shows that I can name that are on MTV right now: Real World, Real World / Road Rules Challenge, Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant. None of those shows screams Music Television to me. Yet some of my favorite MTV shows of all time had absolutely nothing to do music. They were just really good cartoons.

It all started with Liquid Television, which was a rather bizarre show when you think about it. Airing on Sunday night it was just 30 minutes of short animated sketches some of which were pretty avant garde. They didn’t relate to music or much of anything. They existed just to be cool. The show gave us Aeon Flux, an anime type show with no dialogue and the heroine seeming to die at the end of every single statement with no explanation of what the hell was going on. It was just people being shot over and over again. Needless to say it was super cool.

It also gave us Beavis and Butthead, a show I should not even need to discuss. Even better, Beavis and Butthead gave us Daria, which was probably the smartest show on television in the late 90’s. Add in the one offs of The Head (a guilty pleasure of mine) and The Maxx (closest thing I’ve ever seen to a graphic novel on screen) and you have something that it would take Cartoon Network a decade to figure out how to do it with Adult Swim. It may have set the network on the wrong path in terms of getting away from music but it hit the mark in terms of quality entertainment.

(Oh, and bonus points for showing old Speed Racer episodes at one point in the early 90’s.)

120 Minutes / Alternative Nation: Over the past few years I’ve continually written about Gen X and alternative music, whatever that means. In reality what I am mainly focusing on is that the music that I wanted to hear in high school and what I could actually find on MTV were two completely different things. If you watched the wonderful show Dial MTV (which was Total Request Live with Adam Curry playing Carson Daly and wasn’t live) all you would see is Bon Jovi and Def Leppard and Poison and Motley Crue and maybe even New Kids on the Block. I know that people have all of this nostalgic love for these bands and post on Facebook how thrilled they are to see them in concert but let’s face it: they sucked then and they suck now. That music just meant nothing to me.

But for two hours on Sunday night MTV played music that did mean something to me. Or at least I thought it should mean something to me as British guys with bad hair who were also wearing makeup for some unknown reason must have something important to say. As someone who wasn’t the popular kid in school and was never going to be I turned to music that was unique, was different, was something else. That is what drew a crowd to 120 Minutes and its genre of music.

Then Nirvana broke and the entire scene became popular and suddenly Kennedy was hosting Alternative Nation and we were forced to listen to Bush videos and I had to become a fan of old timey country music to keep my uniqueness. Sigh. Here is an old R.E.M. video, which is probably the high point of the idea of 120 Minutes and also the epitome of a band where you were pissed that the guys who beat you up in the hallways liked the same band that you did.

MTV: The First Thirty Year (Part One)

2011-08-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

So MTV turned thirty years old yesterday and as someone who was seven when MTV first went on the air that makes me a) highly qualified to discuss the societal impacts of MTV and b) really freaking old. Anyway, so I’ve decided that I will list, in no particular order, the ten moments / shows / events that epitomized MTV for Gen X. Five tonight, five tomorrow. Here we go.

Live Aid: This is still the only major concert event of my lifetime that I actually remember sitting down and watching because it was “important”. It was the absolute biggest story of the summer. People were expecting to see a Beatles reunion with Julian Lennon taking the place of John. Yes, that would have been horrendous but cool nonetheless. It was the highlight of the year of charity songs from the good (“Do They Know It’s Christmastime?”) to the bad (“We are the World”) to the really, really confusing (“Ain’t going to play Sun City”, which was difficult for a 12 year old to fully grasp as playing a gig at a South African resort wasn’t on my list of regular events.)

So most people remember the event, raising money for Ethiopia and making Bob Geldof famous for something other than the “I Don’t Like Mondays” song but not for the show itself. The thing is, it was actually a pretty good concert. Status Quo opened the show, a band you know as the writers of “Matchstick Man”, which is now a Target commercial after previously being the only Camper Van Beethoven song anyone ever remembered. In England you had great sets by Queen and U2 (Bono jumping into the crowd to dance with a woman during “Bad”) and an ending with pretty much everyone in British music on stage. Philadelphia had Madonna, Tom Petty and a Led Zeppelin reunion. There has been no other time where everyone was focused on a charity concert in my lifetime and MTV was the way to see it.

Kurt Loder: Ah, the face of the network. One of the most amazing things about rock music is that the people who cover rock music are the least rocking people on the planet. As a result you end up with someone like Kurt Loder, who looked like your buddy’s kind of dorky dad, on the air twice an hour to give you updates on the release of Whitesnake’s new album. Add in an hour long “Week in Rock” (because there is so much music news it needed its own recap show) and you slowly begin to realize that Kurt Loder was the Walter Cronkite of Gen X. He was the one who told us that Kurt Cobain was dead. If Kurt Loder said it than it had to be true.

Remote Control: Dead or Canadian? No game show will ever have a better category, setup, overall concept or run than Remote Control. Hands down the best game show I’ve ever watched and if you put out a DVD of the episodes I would buy it and watch them all. Taking place in the late, great Ken Ober’s basement you have three college students sitting in Lay-Z-Boy recliners with a bowl of popcorn in their laps answering trivia questions. Sometimes they had to sing along with Colin Quinn, sometimes they had to complete a math question while a bishop raced around the studio (Beat the Bishop) and once LL Cool J came out just to help out one of the contestants. If you lost your chair went flying through a wall. Adam Sandler and Dennis Leary would play random characters. It was insane and funny and the best half hour you could spend in an afternoon in high school.

But what I really want to write about is the game’s bonus round, which is probably the most challenging thing I have ever seen on a game show. You are strapped into a Craftmatic adjustable bed and are facing nine different television screens, all of which are at different angles. Each screen has a different music video on it. To win you had to name all nine bands in thirty seconds. This was a perfect competition as you got to play along at home while the contestant has it worse because I don’t think that I could recognize a Cinderella video that was being played upside down.

Julie and Becky from The Real World (Season One): The reality show that started it all. I am not talking about the show in general as I believe it is now essentially just “throw seven people in a space and encourage them to sleep with each other in various combinations so we will have more contestants for the inevitable Road Rules / Real World challenges.” The first season, particularly Julie and Becky, is what made the show.

The first season of the Real World was the only one that was actually real. Of the seven people, six were actually from New York with Julie being the innocent girl with a nice southern accent trying to make it in the big city. Everyone looked like they belonged in NYC. You could see Becky trying to be the uber-hip artist, singer-songwriter or Andre leading a rather pathetic alternative band named Reigndance. I just finished my freshman year of college when it went on the air and if you asked me what it would be like to be living in New York after I graduated that would be precisely what I pictured.

That is what was great about the Real World. For a time period (for me it was from the first season through London) the show was precisely what you were going to. There were guys on the show that I wanted to drink with and get to know. Who wouldn’t want to hit a bar with Dominic from LA or Neil from London? There were the girls (Julie and Becky, obviously and also Kat from London) who you wanted to date. The show hit exactly what you were living. Then as I got older the show lost its meaning and I no longer knew the people by name but as “that drunk girl who is naked all the time” or “that douchebag who is going to probably end up being a congressman from Wisconsin”. Now I’m frightened to even turn the show on. Maybe it still speaks to a 20 year old. If so, I am simultaneously scared for our future and glad that I grew up when I did.

Pearl Jam and Neil Young playing “Keep on Rocking in the Free World” at the 1993 MTV Video Awards: This is my favorite performance in the history of MTV and the one that I can point to as a turning point in music. This is the end of MTV’s biggest show of the world and it features two performers that wouldn’t even have been broadcast on the network three years earlier. Hair metal was dead and grunge / alternative music was dead. As someone who never could relate to Motley Crue or Poison or any of the bands whose music seems to exist to play behind a stripper I was thrilled to finally have music that meant something to me take center stage. Even if meaning was just having the song end in a blare of feedback. Because that is what was going on in my head at the time. This song is just rebellion and strength and self preservation and everything that made the early 90’s great.

Starting over

2011-08-01T22:31:00.000-05:00

Testing…testing…one two three….

Ok, and we’re back.

So yeah, this blog has been out of commission for several months. In fact, I don’t think I’ve posted anything for nearly five months, which is pretty amazing since I kept up a five night a week posting habit for over six years. After a period of spending most of my free time categorizing the whims of pop culture and the meandering path that is my life I just took some time off. I mean it’s not like I’ve done anything over the past few months…

Nope, I just got married, moved (to two different places) and started a new job. All in basically the same week. No challenges there at all.

Essentially the past several months of my life have been the most stressful that I have ever experienced. Basically every aspect of my daily routine was flipped upside down at once and it is only now that I am beginning to feel as though I’ve found my feet again. There were good times and bad times during that stretch and I was so busy addressing those issues that I just did not have the time or inclination to sit down and write every night. At some point in your life you realize that writing about Lindsay Lohan is not precisely the best way to spend your free time.

(That said, the fact that I timed my wedding with her being confined to house arrest may not be as coincidental as it may seem.)

But throughout all of this I have been intending to restart the blog. I haven’t had time to write and there were so many other priorities that it was placed in the back of my mind but it was always there. Writing is just a part of who I am. The sheer act of sitting down every night and writing for fifteen or twenty minutes just helps me relax. I’ve never even focused on how many people read this (or if it is written in proper English). I just like having an outlet to unload whatever is on my mind at the moment. Now that I finally feel like I have a schedule I really feel the need to start writing again.

Over the past few months, going back even before I stopped writing, I had been struggling with just what this blog is supposed to be about. When I started it in 2004 the goal was pretty simple: I was going to write about my efforts to build a social life in Kansas City while riffing on pop culture and music. And that was a blast, writing bar stories and talking about my horrible dating techniques. But then Kim came back into my life and we got engaged and are now, and I still can’t quite believe this, actually married. That part of my life, the guy sitting alone at the end of the bar sarcastically commenting on everything that crosses his path, is no longer there. And that put the blog in a strange place because I wasn’t sure what I was writing about anymore. Or to be honest, who was this EC character that was the focal point of the blog.

I’ve figured it out recently. After getting married I now really feel like an adult. It is probably sad that I am saying this at 37 but it really is true. My thinking has changed, my focus has changed and all of the little bull shit that I used to do and say now really bothers me. Not that I still don’t do it, I can still be the cynical asshole, but I’ve realized that is not who I want to be anymore. I want to be a good husband and a good guy and just be that person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m married to the woman of my dreams, someone who makes me smile just by being in the same room as her, and I want to be the man she deserves.

So that is what this blog is now going to be about. How I make that next step in my transformation: from that delayed adolescence that seems to plague Gen X males to being a full fledged adult. There will still be discussions about pop culture (such as a discussion of the 30 years of MTV tomorrow) and all of my usual tangents but that is going to be my new focus. It’s going to be a long journey and I’m still not quite sure how I will get there but I will comment on it all the same. I’ve got a co-pilot with me now, that makes all the difference in the world.

Let's get ready for a Super Blog

2011-02-06T21:09:00.002-06:00

5:42 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the Battling the Current Sports Headquarters for Super Blog 45! I am joined by…uh…Voltaire the Gargoyle that sits on my bookcase and Stanley the Black Bear carved out of a log that Kim and I got in Tennessee that sits on my dining room table. Yeah, my Super Bowl parties leave something to be desired.

5:43 P.M.: For those who haven’t been a part of my previous live blogs the rules are pretty simple. I watch and make cynical comments about what I see. Such as seeing Frank Caliendo impersonating Charles Barkley is both unfunny and vaguely disturbing.

5:46 P.M.: This is a strange game for me as I don’t really have a rooting interest. I’ve got a natural hatred for the Packers and cheering for Ben Rothelisberger makes me feel like I need to take a shower. I’m still pulling for the Steelers because I can’t stand to see people from Wisconsin happy,

5:49 P.M.: Also, I just want to state that for last year’s Super Bowl Kim and I happened to find ourselves in New Orleans watching the Saints win the Super Bowl in what was the biggest party that I have ever been a part of. Somehow I have a feeling that the experience in Delaware is not going to be quite the same.

6:18 P.M.: I apparently missed the reading of the Declaration of Independence and the team introductions due to watching the Puppy Bowl. But Jack the Black Lab is so cute! I turned back in time to see the Walter Payton award. I’m still pissed at Ditka for letting the Fridge score a touchdown in the Super Bowl over Payton.

6:20 P.M.: We now have someone from Glee singing America the Beautiful. No explanation is given other than “Hey, what can we do to get one of those kids from Glee on the show.”

6:22 P.M.: Christina Aguilera gets the nod for the national anthem. She has five Grammys? Who knew. I wish she would just sing the song straight. It’s not meant to be sung like you are auditioning for American Idol.

6:27 P.M.: Coin toss time! I’ve got 50 bucks on a Heads / Steelers parlay. Not that I have a gambling problem or anything…

6:30 P.M.: Richard Dent made the Hall of Fame. That is cool. And how the hell Ed Sabol from NFL Films took this long to get in is a travesty. Probably due to the fact that he made a mint by signing the deal before the league knew how much it was worth.

6:31 P.M.: Deion Sanders tosses it and it is heads! Got half of my parlay right though as the Steelers had tails. Oh well, at least Deion properly tossed the coin. Now on to the kickoff. Finally.

6:37 P.M.: Steelers go three and out but the punt is a comedy of errors leading to one of those fun fumble scrums but the Packers recover. Packers at least get a first down but do nothing much else. Time to the commercials.

6:44 P.M.: Bud Light gets the first commercial and, meh. Audi at least provides us with a Kenny G cameo for those of us who were wondering if Kenny G was still alive or not.

6:47 P.M.: Rashard Mendenhall is a former Illini. Just saying…

6:50 P.M.: Doritos is using the “let’s really disturb our customers” advertising technique while Pepsi just went with the always successful “let’s see a pretty girl get injured”. People getting hit in the head is fun!

6:57 P.M.: The Rock and Vin Diesel in the same movie? Maybe Vin could let the Rock know how his career is going to turn out. And Alex Rodriguez being with Cameron Diaz is both sad but fitting. Packers have put together the first actual drive of the game and are near the Steelers 30.
7:00 P.M.: Green Bay touchdown on a really nice pass play. The Old Milwaukee is flowing right now as well as wheels of cheddar.

7:02 P.M.: Seriously, I think Pepsi Max’s slogan is “Drink it or use it to bean someone in the head. Or the groin. Groin is probably funnier.”

7:07 P.M.: Well Big Ben just lobbed one up there in the vague direction of a receiver and Nick Collins intercepts it and takes it to the house making it a 14 – 0 Packers lead. I might be forced to do Puppy Bowl coverage. At least I’m not Eminem and have reached the point where I have to shill iced tea for a living.

7:23 P.M.: Steelers put together a nice little drive but it fizzles out with just a field goal to make it 14 – 3. I can also go without hearing the song Tiny Dancer or seeing another Transformers movie.

7:33 P.M.: The Volkswagen mini-Vader commercial is pretty awesome even if only for the fact that the commercial reminds me of myself when I was younger. I am not sure about the Thor movie though mainly because I was never a big fan of the Thor character. It just never seemed realistic to have a Norse god in comic books. Being bitten by a radioactive spider giving you the abilities of a spider makes sense; Norse gods less so. But hey, it’s another Natalie Portman movie. The Avengers might feature Gwyneth Paltrow, Scarlett Johannsen, Natalie Portman and Robin from How I Met Your Mother.

7:36 P.M.: I know that I am not doing much game analysis as for the most part I don’t have that much to say. The Steelers are moving the ball now but they are pretty beat up and it is only the first half. There is a lot of hard hits though no concussions so far.

7:40 P.M.: Snickers follows up on last year’s Betty White commercial by having Richard Lewis and Roseanne with Roseanne being hit by a log. I’m not anticipating either of them having as big a career comeback as Betty White did. Oh, and careerbuilder.com goes for the “monkeys equals jobs again.”

7:42 P.M.: Ben throws another interception. I’m hoping Byron Leftwitch makes it into the game if only because he was shown wearing his iPod on the sideline earlier.

7:45 P.M.: Another touchdown for Green Bay on a Rodgers to Jennings pass. This game is getting out of hand pretty fast. 21 – 3 Green Bay with about two minutes left in the first half.

7:50 P.M.: I really don’t need my car to access Facebook for me. In fact, I can’t think of a single time that I’ve been in my car and thought “you know what, I really wonder what random people I went to high school with are posting to Facebook right now.” Oh, and Carmax has the best commercial that I have seen so far tonight.

7:56 P.M.: Steelers put together a nice two minute drill combined with injuring much of the Green Bay secondary. That results in a touchdown to bring the score to 21 – 10. Game has gotten better but it really hasn’t been a spectacular game in any sense of the word. It’s been most notable for the number of players who have come off the field injured which is great for those of us who think that an eighteen game regular season is the worst idea ever.

8:00 P.M.: Halftime. Black Eyed Peas for those of you who are interested. I’m going to watch some puppies.

8:21 P.M.: Well, at least we know where all the excess Tron costumes went to…

8:31 P.M.: Charles Woodson is out of the game. As much as I want the Steelers to win I would prefer it not be a result of everyone on the Packers getting hurt. Also, even though a lot of people weren’t behind Woodson getting the Heisman all those years ago he did turn into one hell of an NFL player.

8:36 P.M.: Packers shooting themselves in the foot here. Dropped pass that could have been big and then a bad facemask penalty on the punt. Also, has the eTrade baby gotten older. And I am embarrassed to see Ozzy on the same set as Justin Bieber. Mainly because I am embarrassed to see Justin Bieber on a set.

8:42 P.M.: Rashard Mendenhall for the touchdown. Oskee Wow Wow!!! Note: I have no idea what Oskee Wow Wow and I have never met a fellow Illini who knew what it meant either. Steelers with all the momentum though they are down 21 – 17. Packers defense is just completely beat up at the moment and they don’t have a running game to try to hold a lead.

8:43 P.M.: “Cram it in the boot?” Yeah, that sounds vaguely….yeah. I’m pretty sure that will be talked about around the water cooler tomorrow though I don’t know if any offices have water coolers anymore.

8:49 P.M.: Packers have absolutely nothing going right now. Dropped pass, sack, they haven’t had a single good play in the second half. Apparently they were too depressed by the Black Eyed Peas halftime set and are in no condition to play now. Oh, and Groupon is using the “screw helping the planet when you can get a good deal on a dinner” advertising philosophy.

9:03 P.M.: Interesting little series of events there. Steelers try a 52 yard field goal and they would have been better off having that girl who delivered the game ball who wanted to be the first female NFL kicker take the try. Packers get the ball in good field position and immediately makes a nice play. In between Chrysler was alternating between advertising a car and Detroit itself with the second Eminem sighting of the night.

9:21 P.M.: End of the third quarter with the Steelers driving while down 21 – 17. I’m tiring. Please send buffalo wings or cute puppy dogs.

9:25 P.M.: Mendenhall, who probably never went to class anyway, fumbles the ball away to start the fourth quarter.

9:31 P.M.: Packers make a number of good plays ending with a Rodgers to Jennings touchdown pass. The story of the game has been the Steelers turning the ball over and the Packers making them pay. Also, Johnny Depp is apparently playing a lizard or Hunter S. Thompson or maybe both simultaneously. 28 – 17 Packers.

9:41 P.M.: Here is the problem with living in the eastern time zone. I’m dead tired right now and there is still eight minutes left in the game with the Steelers driving. This game is going to go down to the wire especially now that Pittsburgh just scored on a really nice pass to Wallace to make it 28 – 25 (including an option play to Radall-El (who is still in the NFL)). If I was in the Midwest it would be an hour earlier but no. Heck, if I wanted to watch Glee I would be up until midnight.

9:44 P.M.: Great Bridgestone commercial involving a beaver. Less impressive GoDaddy commercial involving….yeah, I’m better off not going there. I can’t wait until Jillian Michaels uses this as encouragement on the Biggest Loser, “work hard and you can be a GoDaddy girl.”

9:52 P.M.: While the Steelers have cut it close a big pass to Jennings and a run that actually moves the ball forward for once and the Packers have it within a long field goal range. They are slowly beginning to run down the clock with four minutes left.

9:56 P.M.: Packers add a field goal with two minutes left so it is 31 – 25. The game has turned into what most people thought it would: the ball in Roethlisberger hands with a chance to win. Should be a fun ending. Also, for once all of the people who ended up on the five line in the office pool have a chance to win. There is nothing worse in an office pool than ending up with a five.

10:03 P.M.: One minute left with third and five from the Steelers 33 and it is incomplete. One play left for the Steelers. And it is incomplete. That is ballgame.

10:05 P.M.: Not a bad game. More interesting than I thought it would be much of the time. The Steelers had every chance to win the game but they kept on blowing their chances. Turn it over three times and you will lose. Simple as that.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blacks “Just Like Home”
2) Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit “Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit”
3) The Sundays “Blind”
4) The Shins “Chutes Too Narrow”
5) Terrence Simien “Jam the Jazzfest”

The return of Beavis

2011-02-03T19:55:00.001-06:00

I am not sure if I should take the following news with joy or dread: MTV is bringing back Beavis and Butthead. Yes, there are going to be all new episodes and everything. One of the best shows of the 90’s will return to the airwaves and…and…well, hopefully not ruin another aspect of my youth.

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Beavis and Butthead. I own every DVD of the show that they have ever released, watched it religiously in my dorm room and post graduation and still quote episodes pretty much verbatim. I still think it is at times the funniest thing I have ever seen and Mike Judge has gone on to prove just how much of a comic genius that he is. However, I have a bad feeling about this.

Partly this is due to the fact that MTV has become a big pile of suck. Now I completely understand that I have aged out of MTV’s target market but I would at least think that I would understand what teenagers want to watch. Jersey Shore has its moments and it was fun when you could laugh at the characters but now you laugh at them while realizing that they are millionaires, which takes a lot of the fun out of it. Shows like Teen Mom or Baby Daddy or House of Skanks don’t really make one have great faith in the network.

Then there is the fact that a huge portion of the comedy in Beavis and Butthead were the critiques of the music videos. Some of the best parts were the two of them absolutely ripping on the bands or even praising something for being surprisingly awesome. That worked because MTV was all about videos at the time and everyone had a video. Now MTV does not show videos at all and I’m not sure if bands even make them other than to put something on YouTube. I’m not sure how they recreate those moments.

But I guess what is really worrying me is that Beavis and Butthead are ultimate symbols of the 90’s and Gen X and I don’t know if they will translate well into the 2010s. You can make the argument that dumb kids are dumb kids and that the humor is pretty much universal but I think that there is a basis to the entire setup that is pure 90s. The Metallica and AC/DC t-shirts (with Stewart wearing a Winger one). The sitting around watching basic cable. The endless quest for finding something to do. There were no cel phones or internet. In a modern version of Beavis and Butthead they would be online all day, watching midget porn and insulting people in newsgroups. They’d be abusing people on Facebook. It just isn’t the same. True it is just a case of misspent youth but the time I grew up is different than the present. You just can’t drop the characters in and have them act exactly the same.

Still, if we can get an appearance from Daria I won’t complain. And I always wondered what happened to Principal Vickers.

Why do I have a feeling that tomorrow will be exactly like today?

2011-02-02T19:25:00.001-06:00

Lots of random thoughts tonight…

1) The groundhog either a) did not see his shadow today so spring will be arriving early or b) the groundhog was buried under an avalanche of snow and will not be able to see this spring whether it arrives early or not. According to the Pitch, option B may have actually occurred in KC where they attempted to install a groundhog at the Liberty Memorial without taking into account the fact that a blizzard was on its way. Poor little guy.

2) I have to admit that I am kind of bummed that I have missed out on the storm of the century. Everyone I know in Chicago is sending out pictures of four foot snow drifts and all I had out in Delaware was some freezing rain overnight. No snow days for us. Now it is true that I am glad that I do not have to dig out from the storm but I bet that it must have been amazing to watch. You just don’t get a good blizzard every year. Except if you go to Dairy Queen.

3) I was all behind the overthrow of the Egyptian government until I found out that the pro-Mubarek protesters beat up Andersen Cooper, which makes me think that maybe Mubarek isn’t that bad of a guy after all. Next time maybe Andersen will wear a collared shirt before he reports from some troubled region.

4) Oh, and I saw someone else post this comment today and I just have to steal it. Why doesn’t Egypt build pyramids anymore? It is all that they are known for yet they haven’t built one for what, 4,000 years now? The least they could do is provide us with another pyramid every 500 years or so don’t you think?

5) For the record My Beloved Lindsay did not steal that necklace. I gave it to her as a gift and I will testify to that in a court of law, presuming of course that the judge has little understanding of perjury laws. So basically I would testify in California to that.

6) Best headline on television today “Men on camels beating protestors with bats.” You don’t see that one every day.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Not sure if I ever posted this before. Probably my favorite Josh Ritter song.

Monthly Book Report: January 2011

2011-02-01T19:27:00.001-06:00

I’m going to start a new recurring column today. Nick Hornby used to have a monthly column in which he would discuss the books he bought and read over the past month with no real structure other than that consideration. As my dream is to have Nick Hornby’s career I’ll just steal the idea straight out. I’ll also mention the format of the books as that may play a role in some cases. Anyway, here is January 2011.

Books Purchased:
“Gunn’s Golden Rules” by Tim Gunn with Ada Calhoun (Physical)
“An Object of Beauty” by Steve Martin (Kindle)

Books Read:
“The Childless Revolution” by Madelyn Cain (Physical)
“The Power and the Glory” by Graham Greene (Physical)
“Gunn’s Golden Rules” by Tim Gunn with Ada Calhoun (Physical)
“An Object of Beauty” by Steve Martin (Kindle)

Month in Review:
I started tracking every book I read in 1998. Technically that wasn’t even the start of my keeping track of what I have read. I have had since high school a copy of the Cliff Notes of Catcher in the Rye in which I faithfully check off on the back every book that I have read which have Cliff Notes available. At one point I even said I was going to read every book on the back of Cliff Notes in alphabetical order but then quickly realized that was probably a sign of a mental condition that I should not publicize. Even in grade school I had a list of books that were considered proper reading for my age and I would mark those off as well. Some people read for pleasure, I seem to read out of a need to check off items on a list.

I mention this because when I started keeping track in 1998 I gave myself a list of three criteria that I must meet every year. One was to read a Shakespeare play, which is typically done in December. Another was to read a book by a female author, which I must sadly admit was often met by reading the latest edition of Harry Potter. And one was to read a book that was challenging and literary, which was typically done in January because it was cold and I had nothing better to do than sit inside and read.

This year the challenge book was “The Power and the Glory”, which took me several tries over several years to read. Some books simply don’t grab you right away if you are not in the right frame of mind. This book with its languid start and focus on a nameless priest creates a slight struggle for the reader until the story engulfs you and you must continue forward, which is basically the same as the plot. It is always amazing when a writer can use the very nature of his words to create the same environment that the protagonist is experiencing.

In this case, an alcoholic priest in Mexico in the early 20th century is being hunted down by the government as it has banned the Catholic church and he is the last priest in his state. Greene details his struggles as the flawed man tries to do the right thing even when he doesn’t know what that is. It is a wonderful book that makes you think while still having a wonderful cinematic quality to it (which makes sense as Greene would go on to write the screenplay for The Third Man). It took me a long time to understand this book but I am glad I made the effort.

Another book that made me think this month was “The Childless Revolution” by Madelyn Cain, which examines what it means in American society for a woman to be childless. As more and more couples choose not to have children or wait until later to try to have children there has entered a rather quiet but important demographic of women who do not have children and the view of society towards them is changing and will need to change. Essentially, there is a portion of society that still feels as though a woman must be a mother while in reality a woman may not become one due to choice or chance or happenstance. It’s a fascinating look at the question of what defines us and made me rethink a lot of my view of the subject.

Not all books cause you to think that deeply as “Gunn’s Golden Rules” provides Tim Gunn from Project Runway as your life coach. As someone who has been forced to go through career coaching before I can guarantee you that I would prefer to have Tim Gunn over anyone else mainly because he could give me fashion advice while gossiping about Heidi Klum. His coaching advice can best be described as “Be nice, be polite, and always go with the Empire waist.” Do with it what you will.

Finally, while I read mainly paper books this month I did read Steve Martin’s latest novel on the Kindle, which usually isn’t that big of a deal for me. I like the Kindle and read faster on it and it is the best thing in the world for travel. However, his novel is about art with numerous pictures of paintings and I am guessing that they were never meant to be reproduced in black and white on a computer screen. I would not say that it is one of his best novels (The Pleasure of my Company is much better) but he has a rather stunning writing style. His books read as though you are sitting next to him in an oversized chair slowly drinking scotch. It is languid and precise and while nothing big happens you always feel the need to find out what happens next.

The greatest hypothetical question ever

2011-01-27T21:23:00.001-06:00

Saw this on Reddit this evening and it is the best question that I have been posed in a long time. You can choose from one of the following ten magical items. Which one do you choose and why?

1) A pot that can produce 1,000 kilograms of any food a day.
2) A bracelet that keeps weather perfect wherever you go and within a 250 kilometre radius.
3) A necklace that allows you to touch books and instantly absorb knowledge from them, without reading.
4) An unlimited bottle of perfume that will make you wildly attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay), which cannot be used on anyone you love.
5) A watch that allows you to reverse time by a minute or less per day.
6) A bell that when rang fixes any one object at a time, excluding living things, within a minute.
7) A chocolate bar, with twelve pieces, that makes anyone who eats a single piece invincible and youthful until the age of 160.
8) A no fuel required, maintenance free, eight person van that can take you anywhere on the planet within one second.
9) A remote control that allows you and another person to change, superficially, into anyone you want; the effect lasts until you decide to revert.
10) An immortal dog that poops out one gold coin every time it goes to the bathroom.

I’ll break these down one by one to get to my decision.

1) This quickly caught my attention as I immediately think “I can feed the planet!” Except that a) 1,000 kilos of food really isn’t that much when split amongst six billion people and b) almost no famines are a result of a lack of food (politics and war are the causes). You could also use it under the idea of “I’ll never have to go to the grocery store” or “I could hike that Appalachian Trail without having to pack food” except that then you would still have to deal with 1,000 kilos of food. I’ll pass.

2) No real interest in this one. Besides the fact that you would really screw up the weather pattern I’m not really interested in perfect weather. Last night we had a huge snowstorm that made it look like I had suddenly been transported to Hoth. I like watching a thunderstorm. If I wanted life to be constantly 75 and sunny I would move to California.

3) Very tempting especially for someone who craves knowledge as much as I do. However, outside of being able to totally kick Ken Jenning’s ass at Jeopardy I’m not sure how much use I would be able to get out of this. Knowledge does not equal ingenuity so even though I may know everything about a subject it does not mean that I can make that leap to the next step. Plus, it would mean I would no longer have to read and a life without books sounds rather boring.

4) Easily skipped. The only person whose opinion I care about in that matter is the woman I love.

5) A lot of people online chose this one and while I understand why it doesn’t make the top of my list. One reason people gave was “you can make a ton of money gambling” but I feel that the one minute rule would make going to a casino rather annoying as you could only play fast paced games and it just seems like an awfully difficult way to become rich. The better reason is that you could take back all of the stupid things you do in life. All of those boneheaded statements or actions that you immediately want to take back but can’t. That has an awful lot of value but for me it sometimes takes more than a minute for it to sink in just how stupid I was. It is horrible in real life knowing that you can’t go back in time and change things. Now imagine that you had the ability but didn’t recognize in time for you to do so.

6) Well, you could make a mint running the ultimate repair shop but other than that I’m not sure what use I would get out of this. It might be the most practical choice on the list but if I have a chance to get my hands on a magic item I am not going with what is practical.

7) Wow. Reminiscent of Hob Gadling in the Sandman who said “Death is a mug’s game. I’m not playing.” There is something to be said about being able to live a long and healthy life but the important thing to remember is that life is what you make of it. If you are a miserable person you would simply be miserable for 160 years. The world could be a sucky place for 160 years. You could see disco come back three or four times. That said, the ability to provide this to those you love as well makes it all the much better. There is nothing worse than having to say goodbye much too soon. Very tempting.

8) This is one of my two final choices. First off, this van will give you one of the most important things in the world: time. Think about all of the time you spend in traffic. Every day I spend an hour driving back and forth to work. That is 200 hours a year spent doing nothing. Imagine getting all of that time back. Then add on the ability to travel anywhere you want instantly. Screw having perfect weather, you could go to wherever the weather you want is. No going to airports to travel. You have the magic van and you can take your friends along with you. Hopefully it has a killer stereo system.

9) A while back this may have been more tempting but I have spent years getting adjusted to life in my own skin. I don’t really feel a need to be in anyone else’s. Sure, it would be cool to look like someone who is famous but that isn’t the same as being famous. Just not worth it.

10) My other final choice. You’ll be rich owning this dog but not super rich. You’ll just always make a little money every day. More importantly, you will always have a loving dog by your side who will be with you for the rest of your life. Think about the favorite dog you ever had and know that he or she would never leave you, will always be there at the window when you get home and will love you unconditionally until the end of time. Would it get any better than that?

So I have to choose between the magic van and the wonder dog. And I’m going to weasel out a little by putting in the following qualification. If I can state the dog that I will choose (meaning I can choose one that I already love and know I would want for the rest of my life) I would take the dog. If it is a random dog (meaning that it would most likely be a small, yippy dog that will essentially be nothing more than a gold coin dispenser to me) then I will take the van.

Thoughts? What would you choose?

They could be twins...

2011-01-24T19:06:00.001-06:00

(I just saw another picture of Chastity Bono post-sex change operation and I have to say that she looks exactly like Charlie Weis. I mean put a headset on her, uh him, and put her…I mean him on the Notre Dame sidelines and people will think that we’ve entered a time warp. To be honest it would probably be an upgrade in coaching as well.)

I know that this is strange coming from someone who just complained about the cold yesterday but does it bother anyone else that schools in the northeast were cancelled because it was cold out? That has always annoyed me and I see it much more now than I ever recalled as a kid. We did have school canceled once or twice but those were the fifty below wind chill days where death was a legitimate possibility. It is cold out and I’m glad that my car has heated seats but it is not that bad out there. Go to class.

Otherwise I’ve pretty much got nothing. I find it really odd that there is so much talk about whether or not Jay Cutler quit on the Bears yesterday. There was nothing that I saw that made it look like he quit. He was heading to the locker room well ahead of his teammates at the end of the first half (while the Packers still had a play to go) and I don’t know of any starter period who would be doing that unless he was hurt and was going to get checked out. And as several people have said, it’s not like he hasn’t got the crap knocked out of him all season so why would he choose the biggest game of his career to choose to not play? Doesn’t make sense at all and a torn ligament seems to show that he was right. Basically he was too hurt to be effective and a healthy third string quarterback gave the team a better chance to win than a hurt Cutler.

I know we all live off of the stories of the injured player taking the field and leading his team to victory. More often it is the injured player taking the field and running a rather ineffective offense until he further injures himself and is forced to leave the game. Not everything in life works out like a movie script. And hell, if the Bears would have won the game wouldn’t everyone be praising the fact that the team took out the injured quarterback in order to have a chance to win?

We'll just cry in our pizza

2011-01-23T20:55:00.001-06:00

Well, I guess I am happy that I decided not to live blog the Bears game this afternoon. I thought about it then realized that I had too many other things to take care of than to dedicate three plus hours in front of the television and my laptop and in the end that saved me a great deal of heartache. Basically this post would just be “Oh wow, another incomplete pass…”, “Cutler is playing like crap today”, “Is Todd Collins the drunk Collins quarterback or the vaguely good Collins quarterback or neither” and “Why is the Bears season resting on the shoulders of a quarterback that I have never heard of before? Not in the sense that I didn’t know that he was on the Bears. I haven’t heard of this guy in college or the pros.” That said, I never fault a team for over achieving and no one expected the Bears to get this far at the beginning of the season. Hell, some people had them coming in last in the division.

I’ve also discovered that I’ve either become less of a Chicagoan as I’ve spent a decade now not living in the city or old age has finally caught up to me in terms of the weather. I spent most of my life shrugging off the cold. I often mention the fact that I once went to class when the air temperature was fifteen below zero (and a wind chill in the range of minus forty.) And this was for a 9 AM college class when I was a senior. Hell, I didn’t even have to go; I just went because there was no way a little wind was going to stop me from doing my job. Now, I go outside and it is twenty degrees out and I am just dying. I’m shivering and my fingertips ache (probably due to my walking to a freaking psychology class in below zero weather). I’ve become a snowbird in waiting.

Oh, and I guess I will say right now that I am very upset regarding the television schedule this week. Both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory are repeats and The Biggest Loser is only going to be an hour due to the State of the Union address. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this country needs to get its priorities straight. A speech regarding our future should not preclude us from watching the two hours of joy that comes from watching obese people exercise. Especially since last week two of the contestants somehow gained nine pounds apiece while on the show. I don’t think I’ve ever gained nine pounds in a week in my life. I don’t know how you do that on a weight loss show.

Also, is it just me or has everyone fallen a bit out of favor with The Big Bang Theory. I don’t know if it is the move to Thursday or just the fact that it has been a real lackluster season but it has gone to one of my favorite shows ever to one that I watch when I get around to it. I’ve missed episodes and I have a few sitting on my DVR that I will watch eventually but I am in no hurry to see. Meanwhile I get upset if I miss an episode of Holmes Inspection, which has taught me to never hire a contractor in Canada. But I want the Big Bang Theory to be good and this season just isn’t working and I don’t know why. The addition of Blossom is good, the Bernadette character is hysterical and Penny and Leonard actually make sense as a broken up couple which is weird given they had no chemistry as an actual couple which is made even more bizarre by the fact that they were dating in real life. Anyone else feel this way?

That is about it. Let’s all be safe out there this week.

Best of 120 Minutes: For some reason I was struggling to think of a song to post tonight and Primus jumped into my head. Two things: 1) I never did get a chance to see these guys in concert and I kind of feel bad about it and 2) I completely forgot about the nachos subplot in this video.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Tift Merritt “Home is Loud”
2) Josh Rouse “El Turista”
3) Liz Phair “Liz Phair”
4) Golden Smog “Weird Tales”
5) Guided by Voices “Human Amusements at Hourly Rates”

Tiger mothers and other thoughts

2011-01-20T18:47:00.001-06:00

Have a few more random notes for the night.

1) I’ve already achieved one of my New Year’s resolutions. Last Sunday this blog received over 200 hits completely shattering my goal of breaking 100. For the record, I was not one of those hits as I took the entire day off from the blog. I assume this means that I was linked to by something though I have no real clue what it could possibly be. Still, great to know that I have readers out there.

2) Here is one of those strange stats I found out while trying to figure out how I go that much traffic. If you use google this site is one of the top links if you a) search for “strawberry shortcake’s enemy” or b) images of Rolos candy. I have no idea why either is the case but I get a surprising amount of traffic from it.

3) I also did find proof that I am still listed as a blogger who supports Funkhouser for mayor of Kansas City and I guess that I will now officially state that I am fully behind keeping the Funk in Kansas City. No town is in more desperate need of funk than KC. Hey, he brought the Chiefs a home playoff game. What more could you want? Plowed streets? A sports arena that actually showcases, you know, sports of some kind?

4) I am glad to see that the Biggest Loser is now letting us know a little more about the level of workouts that the contestants are doing and how we might measure up. As in last night I was slightly slower doing my 5K on a treadmill than two morbidly obese people running a tag team 5K on a treadmill. I’m not sure what my response to that should be. I guess I am roughly as fit as two really fat people put together. That doesn’t sound nearly as impressive as I would like.

5) There is a lot of press around that Tiger Mother book that basically states that the proper way to raise a child is by forcing them to be successful at everything, do not have them participate in sports, and grow up friendless which, now that I think about it, sounds surprisingly like my childhood. Actually, I’m pretty appalled by what I’ve read in the media about the parenting technique because it just sounds like the perfect way to have a kid burn out at 16. I actually wasn’t pressured into being the top student at the expense of everything else. It just happened to be the way I am and I found that my competitive streak was better suited for academics than sports. My parents didn’t push me in any way; they were amazingly supportive.

The reason I say this burns kids out is something I learned in electrical engineering and saw a ton of people suffer from in my MBA program, which is the higher the level of education you go the more likely you are to become average. When I entered EE I went from being one of the smartest people around to being pretty typical. Some classes I was above average, some I was below. That is a huge shot to your ego and not everyone can adjust to it. I was prepared for it in grad school but others weren’t. It is amazing to sit in a room filled with brilliant people during orientation and realize that from this moment on half the people here are below average.

The other thing, and a few commentators have brought this out, is that this whole parenting method is presented as a Chinese thing when in reality it is simply an immigrant thing. All immigrant groups place a focus on their children becoming successful and academics is the easiest path to success. The pressure to do your best is not new to society at all. I was raised to understand that school was important, that college was not expected but required and that the biggest thing at the end of the day is not how well you did but rather that you did your very best. If I was raised any other way I don’t think I would have turned out nearly as well.

Shane McGowan must be spinning in his grave and/or gutter

2011-01-19T18:46:00.000-06:00

Nothing saddens me more than when television reminds me of just how incredibly old I am. One day you are the king of the world and the next day you are a nonsubstative demographic. And there is nothing that makes a Gen Xer feel quite so old as watching a commercial that uses The Pogues to sell minivans.

It wasn’t always this way. For one brief moment (roughly from 1992 to whenever the Spice Girls topped the charts) Gen X actually ruled the pop culture roost. Heck, even later on we still had some market power. We were a small generation but a rather prolific one from an artistic standpoint. Plus we all got rich from the dot com boom (or so the news media would lead you to believe) so we all had money to spend. Now we have all become hockey moms.

I know this sounds as though I am going a little overboard given all this really means is that someone in an ad agency decided the Pogues would make good background music but it is more than that. First of all, as opposed to how Moby songs are always placed in commercials to the point that you don’t recognize the song this commercial literally uses the first two verses of “If I Should Fall From Grace With God” precisely as they were recorded. The song is the focus of the commercial. But, even though it is the focus, there is absolutely no connection between the song and what is happening in the commercial. I’m pretty sure that Shane McGowan did not have little kids playing hockey in mind while writing the song. In fact, other than the use of the word “boys” repeatedly in the song I can’t think of a single connection between the song and the commercial.

No, the real reason they are promoting mini-vans with The Pogues is the simple fact that those of us who listened to The Pogues are now at an age where we need to buy mini-vans. This song was released in 1988, when I was a sophomore in high school. Pretty much anyone who was influenced by this song when it was first released is now seriously thinking about having a roomy third row seat.

Part of me wants to stand up and scream and yell that this isn’t true. That Gen X has not reached the point where we are all going to settle down and live happy little suburban lives. That is not what our generation is about. But then I get to thinking that I will be getting married soon and I will be the last, or at least close to the last, of my high school class to get married. Hell, I’ve probably been lapped in terms of the number of marriages. Thanks to Facebook I know that classmates of mine have kids in high school already. I hate to admit it but if you owned a Pogues cassette tape in high school you probably do need to look into investing in a mini-van right about now.

I’ve always wondered what drives a mid-life crisis. I’ve always assumed that it is the realization that your life is conceivably half over and you haven’t accomplished anything that you set out to do or even come close to becoming the person you envisioned. It might be worse now. Today your midlife crisis is driven by having the cultural of your youth served back to you in order to sell you products for your adulthood. Thirty years from now I am going to hear Nirvana songs used to sell me on retirement property. I’m not sure there is a convertible that I could buy to make that existential ache go away.

So before the song gets inevitably tied to little tykes skating here is The Pogues performing If I Should Fall From Grace With God the way it was meant to be played: raw, raucous and with the unnerving suspicion that Shane is so drunk he cannot see the crowd in front of him.

Have you ever noticed...

2011-01-18T19:16:00.000-06:00

Some thoughts from the past couple of days…

1) We had a decent sized snow storm last week. Nothing too bad but enough to make driving a little tricky especially given that part of my daily drive is on a two lane road that passes for a major street in the wonderful world that is Delaware. Yes, the best way to go north / south in the state is using a two lane route that features more hills and blind curves than you could ever imagine. Well, while driving home after the storm on this road I found myself caught behind a guy riding a bicycle who was in the dead center of my lane. My 45 mph speed limit lane. I had two thoughts. A) It is really tough to pass a bicyclist when doing so would entail a head on collision and B) While I am all for helping the environment and reducing gasoline consumption it is January so get in a damn car.

2) Given all of my air travel you would think I would have had to do this sooner but I finally was forced to go through one of those airline screener machines. You know, one of those that caused the entire “Don’t touch my junk” debate from a few months ago that no one remembers now. Had to go through one at Philly and it was a pretty unmemorable experience. The only annoying thing is that you have to empty everything out of your pockets and I mean everything. I had to go through extra screening because I had a packet of breathstrips in my back pocket so maybe it is a little intense.

3) Ricky Gervais got in trouble at the Golden Globes for making fun of rich, famous people. This tells us two things. The first is that rich, famous people cannot take a joke to save their lives. The second thing is that the only way for people to give a damn about the Golden Globes is for rich, famous people to be insulted during the ceremony. Otherwise the whole thing is about as spontaneous as Wrestlemania and roughly as relevant. Hell, they gave an acting award to Pia Zadora once.

4) Yes I am overjoyed that my Bears are in the NFC Championship game against the hated Green Bay Packers. There is no hate quite like the Chicago vs. Wisconsin hate. It is a war based on one side having culture and nightlife while the other side has trees and, uh, cheese. Seriously, no one lives in Wisconsin on purpose. At best people view it as a way of serving their time in Purgatory on Earth. At worst it is just a bunch of people who consider Minnesota too cold and Canada too exciting.

5) As part of my weight loss routine I am using EA Active 2.0 and I have to say that this is easily the best version yet. While I still don’t think that it gives the best upper body workout this iteration can be absolutely cruel when it comes to cardio. Apparently I am incapable of doing mountain climbers without feeling as though my entire body is about to collapse in pain. I know people joke about using the Wii as a way to get fit but if you want a less intimidating way to start your workout program this is definitely a way to start.

My 2011 New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-11T20:56:00.000-06:00

After much delay here are my 2011 New Year’s Resolutions. Keep them handy in order to taunt me about how horrible a person I am. Or at least so you can refer to me as an utter failure. Anyway, here they are.

Resolution #1: Get my weight down to 185 pounds: I’m at about 195 right now with 190 being the high end of the “normal” weight range for my height. I think that 185 will be a good weight for me to be at and is certainly achievable. That would still take another ten pounds of fat off my frame (and 30 pounds from the heaviest version of me that has waddled around the planet) and should leave me fairly healthy. I use weight because it would be a good measure of fitness but I have another resolution that fits into this category…

Resolution #2: Run a 5K in less than my age: That would technically be in under 37 minutes (though if I wait until after September I can do it in under 38 minutes). I know that doesn’t sound too impressive and in college I was able to run consistently under 30 minutes (not superstar speed but better than a couch potato) but I think this would be a big accomplishment for someone with my background. I’ve already cut my time on the treadmill down from about 44 minutes to 39 minutes but I really want to do this in a real, outdoors, 5K.

Resolution #3: Write 125,000 words in the blog this year: That is the equivalent of writing five 500 word posts a week for 50 weeks. I know that for years I kept a solid five days a week writing schedule but because of my life and my job that has gotten much tougher. My laptop is not always conveniently by my side and some nights I just have more things to do. That said, if I can’t write a post one night maybe I can make it up by writing more detailed posts another night. It is worth a shot.

Resolution #4: Get 100 visits in a day per Blogger stats: I would still like to see this blog get some real traffic if just because I think it would be cool to know that 100 people checked out what I wrote on a given day. I’ve certainly gotten visitors from around the world and had commenters from everywhere but it would be nice to increase my overall readership.

Resolution #5: Learn how to cook healthy meals: I still don’t really know how to cook and I certainly don’t know how to cook a healthy meal. I basically know how to heat things that came in prepackaged materials. This is actually a good thing since it means that I have no bad habits to unlearn as I start on a path towards being healthy.

Resolution #6: Read 50 books this year: It is certainly a stretch goal as I don’t know if I have ever read that many books in a year but I think it would be great if I can read a book a week. It is interesting that in the past few years I have started to watch much less television but have spent more time reading (which would probably hurt my chances at trivia now that I think about it.) Reading forces me to spend less time watching television or surfing the internet and that is a really good thing.

Resolution #7: Reader’s Choice: Yes, once again I leave it to my faithful readers to tell me what I should do this year. What do you think is the best step that I could take to improve myself? What fun task must I do to prove my worth? Put your best ideas in the comments.

Resolution #8: Send out my monthly email reports: After I finished grad school I started sending out monthly emails about my life to a group of my friends. As I’ve said on a few occasions I never really did it because I felt that my life was that interesting. I was living in KC at the time; by definition it could not be interesting. But it was my way of staying in touch with everyone and it worked wonders. Over the past year I really fell out of the habit though and I would really like to get back to the old days of every month writing my friends and updating them on what is going on in my neck of the woods. I just find it a neat thing to do.

Resolution #9: Be More Assertive: One of the really strange aspects of my personality is that while I am really smart and typically know what needs to be done I have no assertiveness at all. Hell, at times just making a phone call can be rather difficult. That is a silly habit that just needs to stop. I’ve accomplished too much in life to not feel the initiative to take a hold of things.

Resolution #10: Be the best husband that I can be: Sometimes it is hard for me to grasp that it won’t be long until I am married and I will add husband to my list of duties. I have to admit that I am still learning how relationships work (I’ve now been with Kim longer than every other relationship I’ve had put together and that is being nice and counting girls I went and had coffee with as a “relationship”) and I screw up a hell of a lot of the time. But I am learning from my mistakes and I’m improving. All I want to do is be the best version of me that I can possibly be for Kim. It’s a nice goal to have.

Thoughts on Arizona

2011-01-09T21:01:00.001-06:00

I was going to post my 2011 resolutions tonight but news events (and a late flight) have made me change plans. I’ll write about my resolutions tomorrow because tonight I want to give my thoughts on the tragedy in Arizona. And it truly is a tragedy, any time that six innocent people are killed and many more wounded for nothing more than wanting to meet their congressperson it is truly a tragedy.

The first thing I want to touch upon is just how tough it is to get reliable information at the beginning of a story like this. I happened to flip on CNN right as the story broke so I was able to watch all the conflicting stories come across including multiple conflicting reports as to whether or not the congressperson was alive or not. It is a bit of a curse of the 24 hour news cycle. At times there is no news and minor stories get played into national issues (anyone heard anything about the New York mosque recently?) but in a breaking story everyone must break the news first and in a case like this the first reports are almost certainly wrong. Everyone is confused in a situation like this and it always takes a little time for the truth to come out.

The second point, which is also pointed at the media and the general public, is how quick people are to assign motive and place blame before any information is known and I speak of this from personal experience. If you check the blog archives on the night of the Virginia Tech shooting I posted my thoughts on the event with the assumption that the shooter was an engineering student who cracked under the pressure of school. While I still stand by what I said that night about the pressures placed on students I was completely and utterly wrong about the motive and I am a little ashamed of my post as a result.

The same case is at play here. Within an hour people were blaming inflammatory political speech and the heated political climate as the reason for the shooting without knowing if the shooter was left wing or right wing or just a maladjusted, mentally unstable young man. Assassination attempts do not have to have political causes. John Hinckley shot Reagan in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. Until more information is known making wild speculations typically makes the situation worse.

This is not the same as my condoning the current level of political discourse in the country. I pretty much hate it. I dislike the fact that hatred has come into play in politics at a level that I have never seen before. I would love to see things calm down and more rational voices be heard. One can disagree with another’s view without comparing them to Hitler. But at the end of the day I am a free speech advocate and that means I must protect the rights of people to say things that I hate so while I wish people would dial down the rhetoric I will in no way try to force them to do so.

(I also find it moving and symbolic that during the Constitution reading last week Congresswoman Gifford read the first amendment because the fact that we have a first amendment allows us to avoid violent political action being a common occurrence.)

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families. I do hope that we learn something from this tragedy even if it is only getting a greater sense of how precious life is.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “Australia”
2) Immaculate Machine “Ones and Zeros”
3) Zachary Richard “The Best of Zachary Richard”
4) Wilco “Sky Blue Sky”
5) Tori Amos “Little Earthquakes”

The complete 2010 booklist

2011-01-07T13:32:00.000-06:00

Just for completeness sake here is the full list of all of the books I read in 2010 in case you want to compare your reading habits to mine. Or, consider it a simple way for me to make up a missed blog post. My 2011 New Year’s Resolutions will be posted on Sunday.

1) “What the Dog Saw” Malcolm Gladwell
2) “The Essential Book of Useless Information” Don Voorhees
3) “The World Without Us” Alan Weisman
4) “Lost in a Good Book” Jasper Fforde
5) “Debunked!” Richard Roeper
6) “Ring of Hell” Matthew Randazzo
7) “In Cold Blood” Truman Capote
8) “Why New Orleans Matters” Tom Piazza
9) “The Unnamed” Joshua Ferris
10) “Inventory” The Onion A.V. Club
11) “Game Change” John Heilemann and Mark Halperin
12) “Revenant” Carolyn Haines
13) “Little Wars” H. G. Wells
14) “The Pluto Files” Neil DeGrasse Tyson
15) “M is for Magic” Neil Gaiman
16) “American On Purpose” Craig Ferguson
17) “Stuff White People Like” Christian Lander
18) “Boomsday” Christopher Buckley
19) “The Watchman” Robert Crais
20) “Are We Winning?” Will Leitch
21) “In Defense of Food” Michael Pollan
22) “The Big Short” Michael Lewis
23) “The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” Aimee Bender
24) “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future” Michael J. Fox
25) “No Country for Old Men” Cormac McCarthy
26) “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Burrows
27) “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Stieg Larson
28) “Packing for Mars” Mary Roach
29) “Super Sad True Love Story” Gary Shytengart
30) “Lies the Government Told You” Andrew Napolitano
31) “Don’t Vote It Just Encourages Them” P.J. O’Rourke
32) “The Graveyard Book” Neil Gaiman
33) “The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to our Brains” Nicholas Carr
34) “At Home: A Short History of Private Life” Bill Bryson
35) “Earth: The Book” Jon Stewart
36) “Stiff” Mary Roach
37) “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” David Sedaris
38) “Written on the Body” Jeanette Winterson
39) “21 Dog Years” Mike Daisey
40) “Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me” Edited by Ben Karlin
41) “Naked” David Sedaris
42) “Antony and Cleopatra” William Shakespeare

2010 Booklist

2011-01-05T18:53:00.000-06:00

As some people know I have kept track of every book that I have read since 1998. Pretty much everything you need to know about me can be explained via that one sentence. The only thing that would surprise people is that it is in a Word document and not a spreadsheet (though I do note how long it took me to read each book.) I finished 42 books in 2010 and thought that I would give some highlights of what was on my reading list last year.

“The World Without Us” by Alan Weisman: Ever wonder if the planet would be a better place if we all simply left and handed things back over to the plants and animals? Well here is your chance to find out. This is the book that led to the several Life After People television specials that featured wonderful computer generated images of just how everything that we have built will simply crumble to the ground in fifty years and in a few thousand years there will be no evidence that we were even here, except for some patches of contaminated soil. An interesting read though not what one might call uplifting.

“Ring of Hell” by Matthew Randazzo: As I’ve said in the past I allow myself to read one pro wrestling book each year. Otherwise my reading list could become overwhelmed with things like autobiographies by “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiasie. This book looked at the life and death of Chris Benoit, someone who was one of my absolute favorite wrestlers of all time which makes the fact that he murdered his wife and son and then committed suicide all the more troubling. There are some issues with the book but it gives a view into the really dark side of pro wrestling as the wear and tear and constant concussions drive a seemingly normal person to commit the most heinous act one could ever imagine.

“In Cold Blood” by Truman Capote: This probably counts as my piece of classic literature this year. Though it starts slow this is such an amazing book as it marks a change in both the nature of non-fiction and essentially introduces the true crime genre of literature. Capote does an amazing job capturing what it is like in west Kansas and just how random the events that took place were.

“The Unnamed” by Joshua Ferris: My favorite novel of the year. The story of a man who cannot control the fact that at random points in his life he must stand up and start walking. He doesn’t know where he will walk or why or for how long. He just starts walking and cannot control it. I know the premise seems to be a bit out there but how the author ties this into how he relates with his family and relationships results in one of the most striking books that I have read in ages. I strongly encourage people to give this book a try.

“The Pluto Files” by Neil DeGrasse Tyson: Neil likes to state that it isn’t really his fault that Pluto is no longer a planet but you know what? It’s his damn fault. He’s the one who removed it from the list at the New York Planetarium so he innately approved of its removal from planethood. Well I like Pluto and feel that having nine planets in our solar system is only natural so screw you Prof. Tyson.

“American on Purpose” by Craig Ferguson: I wish I was younger and / or less employed so that I could stay up later and watch Craig Ferguson. I’ve only caught small bits of his late night show and I’ve greatly enjoyed them and his autobiography fits right in. Just an amazing story about his life as a comic and his battle with alcoholism. The guy is truly one of a kind and while I’m not one to typically recommend television personality autobiographies this is a good one to read.

“Are We Winning” by Will Leitch: I should note that Will is a fellow Illini and was a year behind me at school and was quite possibly on the team that beat me in the finals of the Intramural Sports Trivia competition. This book is about baseball and how we use baseball to bond with our fathers. It also focuses on the Cubs – Cardinals rivalry and if you are a fan of either team or have an undying hatred for either team that adds to the insight. Another good book by the founder of Deadspin and the guy whose career I wish I had.

“The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” by Aimee Bender: The story of a girl who when she eats food she experiences the emotions of the person who made it or even of the factory where the food came from. Also a story of what it means to be considered a genius at a young age only to grow up and find out you really aren’t that special after all. I’m still not quite sure I understood everything that went on in this book but I was glad that I read it.

“No Country for Old Men” by Cormac McCarthy: I’ll just quote something I read this week: “Everything in life is debatable except for Cormac McCarthy.”

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larson: Yes, I did read this book. Look, I spend half my life in airports so I feel as though I was required to read it. It is certainly a fun murder mystery that keeps you guessing throughout while teaching you more about Swedish journalism and the intricacies of Nordic legal systems than you would ever really care to know about. Even though the book has a great plot and unique characters I’m more than a bit surprised that it has become such a huge hit. On the surface it just doesn’t seem like a book that would connect with the mainstream American audience.

“Super Sad True Love Story” by Gary Shytengart: A novel that takes place in the near future where everyone is a blogger and the most important thing in your life is your credit score. I guess that means that this novel takes place next Tuesday. This is one of those books with two narrators so you spend it going back and forth and while that is an interesting literary device I have yet to find a book where that doesn’t result in you wishing this chapter would be over so you could get back to the narrator you like. Also this is quite possibly the only book that puts a precise dollar value on immortality.

“Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” and “Naked” by David Sedaris: I should note that I also read “Stuff White People Like” this year and David Sedaris was listed as, well, something white people like. What I found interesting about him is that while I love him as a humorist I don’t find myself laughing when I read his work. It is funny but not in a punch line sort of way. I think this hits me because that is more along the lines of when I am best as a writer. I like to consider myself a writer of humorous essays but I do not have that natural punch line timing of a comic. Typically when I try to write that way it falls incredibly flat. I’m more suited to writing in a subdued style where the humor is there but it isn’t hitting you over the head.

“Antony and Cleopatra” by William Shakespeare: I end every year by reading a new Shakespeare play and this year it was time to go to ancient Rome where life is basically one big episode of the Real Housewives of Alexandria. In essence, Cleopatra is bipolar, Antony can’t do anything correctly including kill himself and Caesar is really Octavian though he is called Caesar the entire play despite the fact that this just confuses everyone into thinking that it refers to Julius Caesar. Not one of the bard’s best works though the scene of Cleopatra beating the crap out of a messenger for bringing bad news is all kinds of awesome.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I think all alarm clocks should be reprogramed to go off with Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start.” No one would sleep late again.

Might as well reprint those Free Lindsay shirts

2011-01-04T18:20:00.000-06:00

(Yes that was a rather heartrending episode of How I Met Your Mother last night. Sadly I had the ending spoiled for me before I had a chance to watch it (damn you Facebook) but it still hit pretty hard. I don’t want to spoil it here but I will say that the episode was amazingly constructed and makes perfect sense when you realize that over the course of the series the show has never been a typical “ha ha” sitcom. There has always been a running plot on how these characters are becoming adults and dealing with a lot of those issues in a very realistic way.)

In a case of good news and bad news My Beloved Lindsay is out of rehab but may have to go to jail on a parole violation. Which of those is good news and which is bad news is really left for the reader to decide. And the whole going to prison thing is so a non-Hollywood thing. Really, when was the last time you saw one of these starlets actually have to do any real time for their actions. I know that the California prison system is overcrowded but I think we could find a little space in a closet somewhere to place a Lohan or a Hilton. They are rather thin and should be easily stackable.

Keeping with the celebrity news Snooki from the Jersey Shore has written a novel so add her name to the list of people who have been able to get a novel published before me. Yeah, fifteen plus years spent slaving away at a manuscript, six years blogging in an effort to catch the eye of an agent, and an orange midget who can’t even properly spell her own name is somehow able to land a publishing deal. I would really like to know if she has even read her own book. We all know that she didn’t write it; I legitimately want to know if she took the time to sit down and read it.

Oh, and Taylor Swift broke up with a Gyllenhall and is now back on the market, which just happens to correspond with my blog post where I say awfully nice things about her. Not that is anything more than a coincidence or anything… Actually, it is totally a coincidence. I’m more than happy with where my life is right now. I’m more upset by the fact that I am aware of Taylor Swift’s dating life given that it has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever.

Last thing, corresponding with tonight’s debut of the new season of The Biggest Loser I am embarking on a weight loss program. Actually I’ve already started it but it is always nice to tie it in with the Biggest Loser because at least I know that I weigh less than they do. Anyway, if anyone wants to send me some diet or exercise advice I would be more than happy to receive it. I really do need to knock off these last few pounds so that I will no longer be considered overweight. I will be much happier knowing that I was at a healthy weight on my wedding day.

The 10 Best Selling Albums of 2010

2011-01-03T18:33:00.000-06:00

Given that we are at the end of the year / start of a new year I figured that I would take a look back at the year in music by discussing the ten bestselling albums of the year. Note that I have no idea how this list was created nor do I own or could even say that I have listened to any of these albums so this will essentially be snarky comments on things that I have no clue about. Not much difference than the rest of my posts when you think about it.

(By the way, Katy Perry, who has horrible skin, came in at number eleven which just goes to show that even sleeping with a muppet does not guarantee chart success.)

#10: Alicia Keys “The Element of Freedom”: I believe the element of freedom is bismuth. One of the things that you will notice about the top selling artists is that with a few, very minor exceptions, they could have appeared on the bestsellers list in 2000. I’m pretty sure Alicia Keys has been around that long. Basically the only people who still actually buy music are people who were buying music in 2000 and haven’t updated their taste in music since then.

#9: Sade “Soldier of Love”: Or 1990 for that matter. Every time I think of Sade I end up thinking about Chaka Kahn whose only song, hell the only lyric I know, is her going “Chaka Kahn Chaka Kahn”. I have no idea why this sticks in my head the way it does. Anyway, you really can’t talk smack about Sade because she just has way too good of a voice. I’m actually happy to see her on the list.

#8: Michael Buble “Crazy Love”: I’ll hand it to Michael Buble for seeing a niche and exploiting it. There is always going to be a need for Frank Sinatra type music and with Frank gone (barring a Tupac like comeback) he decided to dedicate himself to being the guy still making that big band style music. There will always be a market for it because it is a really timeless brand of music. Plus, it is music that you buy for your parents or grandparents and thus he is much more likely to sell physical copies of his music and get paid as opposed to people just stealing it online.

#7: Susan Boyle “The Gift”: Sigh. For a moment there it was looking like this list would be a reality show free zone. Again, I doubt that anyone bought this for themselves. It is called “The Gift” because everyone bought it as a gift for that person that they kind of know but don’t really want to go through the effort of thinking through an actual present. It is the musical equivalent of a Chili’s gift card. I’m sorry but given the fact that her entire story is “non-attractive people can sing, too!” is too cynical even for someone like me to get behind. The fact that this is her main selling point just makes me disgusted about the music business in general.

#6: Black Eyed Peas “The E.N.D.”: Oh please be the end. I would be overjoyed if this is the end of one of the most annoying bands in existence. Outside of “Let’s Get It Started”, which was overplayed the third time it hit the airwaves, I’ve really had no patience for this band especially given that it features Fergie who hits the trifecta of not being able to sing, dance, or look attractive. It’s basically dance music for people who don’t actually like dance music or hip hop for those unfamiliar with hip hop. If you are listening to the Black Eyed Peas you need to be aware that whatever aspect of their music that you like there are a number of people out there who do that much, much better.

#5: Taylor Swift “Speak Now”: No one is going to believe this but I actually like Taylor Swift. I first heard her three or four years ago (whenever Teardrops on my Guitar originally came out) and I found her to be a perfectly acceptable country artist. Good singer who made it through a lot of hard work as opposed to a reality show victory. I’m really happy that she is making it big though I think she is hitting the overexposure level and is going to have to be a little careful if she wants to have a long career. Still, nice to see her make a strong showing.

#4: Lady Antebellum “Need You Now”: The second country entry on the list, which shows that since music sales have dropped the individual genres are now on a much more even playing field than ever before. Basically my only knowledge of this band is that someone told me I should style my hair like one of the guys in the band for my wedding. I’m not even sure who it is or what his hair looks like but I will just automatically assume that it is a bad idea. I just have a feeling that fifteen years ago someone was told “You should wear your hair like that Billy Ray Cyrus guy at your wedding!” I would like to at least be in my own wedding pictures.

#3: Justin Bieber “My Worlds”: As I’ve been mentioning the fun thing about the music business now is the fact that since most people my age and younger get their music online (often through nefarious methods) the acts that would have been best sellers when I was in college no longer breakthrough on the charts. Mainly the people who are buying music tend to be rather old or tweens. Hence the popularity of Justin Bieber whose market consists entirely of twelve year old girls who have money to buy music but haven’t learned how to use Bit Torrent yet. Again, I know nothing of his actual music and God willing I never will. I think I can live a full and productive life without ever hearing him sing.

#2: Eminem “Recovery”: Eminem is still alive? Good for him. I have actually heard some tracks from this album and it looks as though he is back in serious mode and making some really good music. Eminem has always had this strange tendency of going beyond putting humor into his songs to actually becoming something along the lines of a hip hop Weird Al. Just look at a few of the videos and ask yourself “Could Weird Al star in this?” That is what makes his career so tough to figure out. He can produce some of the darkest, most intense, stuff you’ll ever hear but the next single will be a comedy track.

#1: Lady Gaga “The Fame (Monster)”: Yes, this was the year of Lady Gaga who seems to have entered the realm of being famous for being famous. Now I know that she does make music and I’ve heard some but even someone who is oblivious to the music scene probably knows her as that woman who wears all of the wild outfits. She really did create an image of Madonna for the 21st Century as her fame is more dependent on her than her musical output. In this day and age that is what you need to do to be a superstar. Without MTV or consistent radio play the only way to become famous is to act as though you are famous already and have the internet cover you as someone who is important. It’s fascinating from a cultural perspective at least.

New Year's Resolutions Revisited

2011-01-02T20:21:00.000-06:00

Everyone has their own traditions for New Years. Maybe it involves spending the day with family or trying out the latest hangover cure or, if you are the Big Ten, losing every single game you possibly could. For me the New Year marks several things. It means that I start a new Word document for my writer’s journal which is now entering its fourteenth year. Yes, that means essentially fourteen years of keeping a diary. I’d say that I am a teenage girl but even teenage girls don’t keep diaries for fourteen years. But my main focus of the New Year is making my resolutions.

However, before I post my 2011 Resolutions I thought that I should check how I did on the 2010 edition. Because resolutions are meaningless without public accountability.

Resolution # 1: Get my weight down to under 190 pounds: As of this morning I weigh 196 pounds. Technically I did not reach my goal but this is down from my peak weight of about 215 earlier this year so it is still a loss of 15 to 20 pounds which is pretty impressive for a non-Biggest Loser contestant. The even better news is that I have been able to keep the weight off all year. I still have more to lose, especially going into the wedding, but at least I made progress on this one.

Resolution # 2: Be more attentive: I have worked a lot at not being so much a slave to multitasking. Essentially what would happen is I would be talking to Kim and she would notice that I was fading from the conversation because I was doing something online. I used to think that I could do two things at once but now I’ve come to realized that I just tend to do two things badly in that instance. I still fail too often (Triple Town on the Kindle can apparently take control of my mind) but I would like to think that I am in the moment more now than I was at the beginning of the year.

Resolution # 3: Complete a 3,000 piece jigsaw puzzle by myself: Done. Took me four months of sitting on the floor of my apartment with the most evil jigsaw puzzle ever made (I swear to God it was one third sky and the sky was the easiest part of the puzzle) but I did it. It is sad to think just how much joy I take out of completing something like that. There are times in my life where I have to take on a challenge where for me to succeed I have to have the will to finish more than anything else.

Resolution # 4: Have breakfast every day: Technically true if you consider coffee on its own as breakfast. Horribly untrue if you believe that breakfast should consist of something other than a Fiber One bar (and trust me, there is no joy in eating a Fiber One bar.) Given how much effort I am putting into losing weight you would think that eating breakfast, which is always stated as the first thing you should do to lose weight, would be easier to do. Focus for this year, obviously.

Resolution # 5: Get to work earlier: Sigh. Yeah, I failed at this one. I have no idea why it can be so tough for me to get out of bed in the morning. I will be awake, listening to NPR, but can’t take those few steps out of bed. I even keep an alarm clock on the other side of the room but when it goes off I get out of bed, turn it off, and then promptly get back under the covers. Maybe my bed is just too comfy. Or I’m lazy. One of the two.

Resolution # 6: Learn to cook to the point that I can make dinner for Kim: Well, I never made dinner for Kim so I guess this one should be considered a failure. I still have a desire to learn how to cook and I am making some progress but I still have a great deal of distance to go before I could legitimately say that I know how to cook. But again, given that I am going to be really health focused this year I think this might show up on my new list.

Resolution # 7: Reader’s Choice: If I remember correctly the reader’s choice for this year was to take up swimming. I don’t believe I swam at all this year. I didn’t even buy goggles though let’s face it; the goggles do nothing. I apologize to all of my readers out there.

Resolution # 8: Have 100 people read the blog in one day: I’m not sure if I broke this level or not. I did have some pretty popular days per Blogger stats and I became the number one link on google for searches for “strawberry shortcakes enemy”, which should count for something. Plus, I had a reader from Greenland and a Greenland reader must be worth like, 20 Canadians. I’ll admit that I really fell out of the blogging habit this year for a lot of reasons but it is nice to know that I still have an audience.

Resolution # 9: Expand my musical tastes: I surprisingly failed at this one. I probably bought less music this year than at any point since I was 16 years old. And I didn’t download stuff for free either; I just simply did not search out new music. On some level I blame the death of the music magazines and my lack of concert attendance as it is much tougher for me to find out about new acts than it used to be. But mainly I think I just needed to give my ears a year off. Maybe this year I’ll be able to hear new music without being so blasé about it.

Resolution # 10: Prepare to be the best husband that I can be: If there was anything this year was about it was this and I am still a work in progress. I always thought that being in a relationship would be easy; I am a nice, caring guy so just being myself would be all that is required. However, I never noticed the selfish guy who also existed there because when you aren’t in a relationship being selfish really isn’t that big of a deal. Plus, I have now been with Kim longer than all of my previous relationships put together and that is even if you consider going to get coffee with a girl to be equivalent to dating. In essence, I’ve never dealt with the issues that arise when you are in a real relationship.

I still screw up from time to time. More often than that to be precise. But I am pissed to no end at myself when I screw up and am trying everything I can to be the best that I can be. I am the luckiest man alive to be with Kim. It’s the least that I can do to try to be my best in return.

Best of 120 Minutes: Old school Wilco tonight. I just can’t find the time to write my mind the way I want it to read.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Cowboy Junkies “Rarities, B Sides, and Slow, Sad Waltzes”
2) Rilo Kiley “More Adventurous”
3) The Tragically Hip “Road Apples”
4) Belly “Star”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Gravity”

You just can't please everybody...

2010-12-19T20:34:00.001-06:00

I’ve been blogging for over six years now and the process still amazes me. Such as I never quite anticipated that something I wrote would anger the people behind the BBVA Compass Bowl. For those wondering and who didn’t read the comment on the last post: BBVA is the second largest bank in Spain, a nation that will most likely have to declare bankruptcy in, oh, the next five minutes. So I will have to admit that a) BBVA is a real company, b) Compass is the name of the US bank they acquired and is not a reference to a deep seated, almost erotic, love of directional devices, c) I still question whether sponsoring a bowl game in Birmingham featuring Pitt and Kentucky is a good use of their marketing dollars and d) no one is questioning my statement that Dave Waanstadt is the worst coach who ever lived. As long as we all agree on the last point I am satisfied.

(Oh well, still not as bad as the comment from the person who disliked one of my music reviews. A review that I began by stating “As someone who attended a Weird Al show this year I cannot claim to have any taste in music whatsoever.”)

Well, it snowed in Philly on Thursday, which resulted in the end of the world. I am not kidding on this one. We received a dusting of snow (I don’t even think we had an inch total) and absolutely no one could drive anywhere. I know that this was the first snow of the year and that usually causes people to freak out but this was absolutely insane. It took me two hours to complete a drive that should take me at most forty five minutes. I spent about thirty minutes at a dead stop. Now if I lived somewhere that it didn’t typically snow I can understand it but we had three blizzards last year. Driving in snow is a rather common occurrence. I just wanted to lean out my car window and scream “Learn how to drive you morons!”

I did however finally deal with the fact that my car was telling me that I had low tire pressure. It did this through what is possibly the most useless sensor ever. Now while I am very happy to own a car that will tell me when one of my tires is low (especially as I think I had seven flat tires over the life of my old Grand Am) it does not bother to specify which tire. This makes things rather challenging as the light makes you freak out and then you get out of the car and have no idea which tire is low and then you are forced to search for a tire pressure gauge which could be avoided because obviously the car knows what my tire pressure is otherwise it wouldn’t be telling me I had low tire pressure. Still not as bad as the rental car I recently had that gave me a low fuel warning light because I went under a quarter of a tank. That is not technically being low on fuel; it is more like “you should probably gas up in the next couple of days.”

Best of 120 Minutes: I was trying to think of Christmas themed alternative rock songs and immediately my mind turned to A Very Special Christmas, probably the one holiday charity album that people owned because they actually liked the music. I’m going to go with two of my favorites from the album. Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” and U2’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”. Enjoy the awesomeness of Run DMC and the fun Rattle and Hum “everything is earnest” period of U2.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Luscious Jackson “Fever In Fever Out”
2) Terrance Simien “Zydeco on the Bayou”
3) Fleet Foxes “Fleet Foxes”
4) The New Pornographers “Together”
5) Jeff Buckley “Grace”

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Four: The Final Chapter

2010-12-15T20:55:00.001-06:00

This is it. The final set of bowl games. The only games that matter except for the fact that a number of these games are utterly meaningless. Why the bowl season extends to January 10th is also a mystery as I don’t think that teams having a month off between games adds to the excitement.

(Also, addendum to last night’s post. It is officially the Progressive Gator Bowl. Typically you don’t hear the words Progressive and Jacksonville in the same sentence. I believe that Glenn Beck is leading a boycott of this game.)

January 3rd
Discover Orange Bowl: Stanford vs. Virginia Tech (ESPN): Do we really need to discover oranges? I am pretty sure that the world is well aware of the fruit. Also, college football has never been the same since we lost the Orange Bowl Halftime Spectacular that took 45 minutes, featured every cruise ship performer wannabe in the Miami area, destroyed the field for the second half and allowed the teams to perform emergency surgery on any players that were injured in the first half. It was pure 80’s decadence at its finest.

Stanford was way better than anyone expected this year. Not that you can ever really root for Stanford other than saying things like, “Well, they’re less arrogant than Berkley students” or “Maybe having a drunk tree as your mascot is a good choice.” Virginia Tech started the season by losing to Boise State and then James Madison and somehow turned their season around completely. This is one of the reasons why a playoff would be nice because it would at least give a team like Virginia Tech a chance even though they started slow. I’ve always liked Virginia Tech so I will cheer for them in the hopes of finding out just what a Hokie is.

January 4th
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arkansas (ESPN): Good pick of teams for the Sugar Bowl which states in its bylaws that is must choose the two teams with the drunkest fanbase possible. This really isn’t that far from the truth. The Sugar Bowl is one of the times of the year that New Orleans bars make a lot of money and one year they were freaking out over the possibility of BYU making it to the game. This is about as close to a meaningful Ohio State – Michigan game that we have seen in years due to Ryan Mallett quarterbacking Arkansas. I still think Ohio State will win just out of force of habit. Tyrell Pryor will bitch about not getting the Heisman as great practice for bitching about not being a first round draft choice, bitching about not getting playing time in the NFL and finally, bitching about being the second string quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos.

January 6th
GoDaddy.com Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Miami (Ohio) (ESPN): Some poor fan bought tickets for this game thinking it was Tennessee vs. Miami. Heck, ESPN might as well promote it that way because I know absolutely nothing about either team. Most people have no idea what GoDaddy.com does either other than make racy commercials that don’t show anything yet direct you to their website in which you can see more racy commercials that don’t show anything. I believe their entire business model is centered on obtaining as much money from people who desire to see Danica Patrick naked without ever providing them with what they hope for. Yet we’ll all tune in to the game thinking “This time they’ll have to show it….”

January 7th
AT&T Cotton Bowl: LSU vs. Texas A&M (Fox): The Cotton Bowl is no longer being played at the Cotton Bowl. Just let that one sink in for a while. I know that the Orange Bowl is no longer played at the Orange Bowl but at least the Orange Bowl no longer exists. The Cotton Bowl is hosting a game this same week yet they are playing it in the new Cowboys Stadium where there is a roof so Jerry Jones could fit his gigantic head in. Apparently no one gives a damn about tradition anymore.

Let’s give it up for Les Miles of LSU, the only head coach who reminds you of that drunk uncle you see during the holidays who tells you stories that are completely false but funny all the same. No other coach uses a gameplan that involves five fake field goal attempts and time management decisions chosen via the Magic 8 Ball. Yet somehow this guy always leads a team to a major bowl game despite showing no knowledge of football whatsoever. That my friends takes talent.

January 8th
BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky (ESPN): Do people even use compasses anymore? In these days of GPS does anyone literally have a compass with a needle on it that points north? I’m not even going to begin to guess what the bell BBVA is; if they can’t bother getting a more descriptive brand name I’m not going to waste my time googling it. Here it is the first weekend of January, NFL Playoffs will be starting, yet we are supposed to care about two schools who are way more focused on basketball right now than football. Plus, Dave Waanstadt still coaches Pitt. Wanny is the worst coach ever and I spent way too many Bears games watching him coach the team to a loss to ever desire to see him on a sideline again and that includes the times I’ve had to watch him beat ND. Do you know how embarrassing it is to watch your school lose to Dave Freaking Waanstadt?

January 9th
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Nevada vs. Boston College (ESPN): Note to Kraft. If you really want to Fight Hunger why don’t you, I don’t know, donate some of the food in your warehouse? Or maybe lower the price on Macaroni and Cheese? You just know every other commercial is about how we can work to fight hunger when the sponsor is literally sitting on a stockpile of food. Unless this is about some new product that is meant to fight hunger in which I will just throw up my hands in exasperation at what now goes for marketing in today’s world. Just cheer for Boston College and move on with your life.

January 10th
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Oregon vs. Auburn (ESPN): This is it. The biggest bowl game of them all, except for the fact that it is not technically a bowl game. Why when the only reason we don’t have a playoff is “to keep the integrity of the bowl system” we don’t have the last game be a freaking bowl game just explains how screwed up the NCAA is. There is not enough moderately priced chips and salsa in this world to make this right.

But at least the game has the two major conference undefeated schools (sorry TCU). Oregon will most likely take the field in fluorescent yellow jerseys in an attempt to either confuse Auburn or destroy every HD television set in the country. Auburn is led by Cam Newton, who will end up having to take a pay cut next year if the NFL doesn’t sign a new collective bargaining agreement. This has the makings of a good game but my gut is really saying Oregon will take this one. Auburn has won a lot of close games and come from behind games and while that shows a ton of talent it also shows that they have been lucky as sin. While Cam Newton has been the best player in the country you also can’t tell me the fact that they essentially loaned him the Heisman knowing that he will have to give it back can’t make things easy for him. Oregon by a touchdown.

That is it. Every bowl game. Now excuse me, I have to curl up in a ball and remember that there is more to life than football.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Of all the Christmas specials out there my favorite one of all time is Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas and it is impossible to find this anywhere. There are three dozen Frosty the Snowman specials but it is impossible to watch this inventive retelling of the Gift of the Magi featuring otters. Here is one of the musical numbers just so we can all relive the wonders of our childhood.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Three

2010-12-14T20:36:00.000-06:00

Time for Part Three of the Bowl Preview series where we will examine the New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day games. These are the games that you will watch while either a) drunk, b) hungover or c) in a state of complete disbelief that you are going to spend another New Year’s Eve without a girlfriend to the point that the idea of going to a strip club just so you can have some degree of companionship at midnight becomes quite sensible. Not that I have any familiarity with C or anything.

New Year’s Eve
Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson (ESPN): Back when I was a kid we had games like the Blue Bonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. I still have no idea what the Blue Bonnet Bowl was meant to symbolize other than colored headgear. Then we started appending sponsors name to the front of the game until, starting with the Blockbuster Bowl, the name of the company became the name of the game. Given the financial outlook of Blockbuster maybe we should rethink this use of advertising dollars.

I’ve always liked Clemson and hope that one day they will regain their form as one of the top teams in the nation. They’re just a cool team with orange uniforms, Howard’s Rock and a whole host of traditions. I know nothing of South Florida other than they are in Florida. I think it should be a rule that in order to be in a bowl game I should at least be able to guess what city the school is in.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami (CBS): It is time to replay the legendary Catholics vs. Convicts game! Or, in this case, the “Currently being investigated in the death of two students” vs. Convicts game. (Side note: does anyone have any real info on the story regarding the alleged rape / suicide of the St. Mary’s student? Most of my info has come from blogs and everything sounds all sorts of sketchy. I’d like to have the school come forward with some degree of clarity on the subject.)

Obviously I have a pretty big interest in this game. Notre Dame turned its season around or at least avoided imploding as they had the past few years. The team shows promise but really isn’t that solid of a team. Miami underachieved all year and could easily have made a better bowl game. I’ve watched a lot of both teams and Miami should take this one. Speed kills and Miami just has Notre Dame beat in terms of athletes.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Georgia vs. UCF (ESPN): I’m trying to think if there was a D-1 team from Florida that didn’t make a bowl game this year. I’m pretty sure they all made it in. In fact, all of your New Year’s Eve games involve Florida teams so I’m assuming that this will be declared a holiday in the Sunshine State. Georgia rebounded from being god awful at the start of the year to being good enough to spend New Year’s Eve in Memphis which should at least provide them with a tour of Memphis and some good barbecue. Oh, and just for the record, Illinois went to two bowl games while I was in college. One was the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the other was the Liberty Bowl in Memphis. Yeah, and people wonder why I can be a bitter Illini fan.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: South Carolina vs. Florida State (ESPN): While out Christmas shopping on Saturday (in which I was proud of myself for not ripping a toy out of the hands of a small child) I picked up some Chick-fil-A and they screwed up my order. The strange thing is, this made no impact on my meal at all. Chick-fil-A essentially only has one menu item. Instead of having a chicken breast on a bun I had a chicken breast in nugget form. I’m not sure what this says about the company other than they are surprisingly efficient.

I will always cheer for Steve Spurrier no matter where he coaches if just because he is the only person who calls plays like it is a video game. 2nd and 15 from your own 1? Send out five receivers and play from the shotgun. I hate Florida State for reasons that are too numerous to mention and include people I met when I was 16, which is now so far past half a lifetime ago that I am afraid to do the math. And let’s face it, any school that chants “Let’s go Cocks!” is good enough for me.

New Year’s Day
TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (ESPNU): Your three important notes for this game. 1) This game is being played in the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day and features a team from Texas yet is not the Cotton Bowl. I do not quite understand how that is possible. 2) Not surprisingly, tickets for the TicketCity Bowl are available from scalpers. 3) Given that this game is on ESPNU you will have no chance to actually watch the game. Northwestern had a good squad until their quarterback got hurt and Texas Tech is still getting over the fact that they locked up Craig James’ son in a closet last year. Guess that is why they exiled the game to ESPNU. I can’t bring myself to root for Northwestern as an Illini. Luckily we regained the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, I mean the Land of Lincoln trophy.

Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State (ABC): You know how in baseball they occasionally have Old Timers Games? Where top players from the team’s past come back for an exhibition? Well, this game would be much more interesting as an Old Timer’s Game. Just bring back all the stars from yesteryear and have them suit up. Neither team is very good this year, Urban Meyer is stepping down as Florida’s coach, and Joe Pa is slowly being replaced with robot parts in an attempt to create MechaPaterno. And let’s face it, once MechaPaterno is fully functional we are all doomed to a life of toil in his sunglass factories. Penn State will win because they might as well.

Capital One Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan State (ESPN): How Michigan State didn’t turn into a bigger story this year is beyond me. They beat Notre Dame on the most insane fake field goal ever and it results in their coach having a literal heart attack. He then comes back to coach the team to a top record despite the fact that they were anticipated to be a middling Big Ten team. Why this didn’t get more play is just a sign as to how much interest lies in the SEC. Alabama won the title last year but could never seem to get on track this year. They were one of the best teams of the year but always seemed to be in a fight for their life. I like Michigan State in this one, which is one of the best games of the year.

(Oh, and for all of the Capital One mascot challenge commercials that I have seen over the years I wish I would actually know what the challenge is. I assume it is some sort of online poll but it would be better if they really did have all of the mascots competing in insane reality show challenges.)

Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Michigan (ESPN2): Remember if you are in Jacksonville and they ask you to leave the bar just leave the bar. (Someone will get the reference.) Anyway, how has Gatorade not stepped up to sponsor the Gator Bowl yet? Easiest sponsorship ever. If this game is anything like the Illinois – Michigan game then they might as well just play it under Arena Football rules. Or Electric Football rules. By the way, why don’t kids ask for electric football sets anymore? They will never learn football strategy from Madden. You have to spend hours setting up your players just so and then sit helplessly as they spin in circles. And yes, I would rather watch plastic figures spin in circles than cheer Michigan.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU (ESPN): If there was a playoff system (and there should be) these would be the two teams to benefit most. TCU is the undefeated team that got screwed out of the title game and Wisconsin was playing better than anyone at the end of the year. Why the NCAA won’t break down and have an eight team playoff is one of those unanswered questions of sports. They’ll make the student athlete claim but then add in a twelfth game for every team plus a conference championship. While TCU is good and it will be interesting to see them in the Big East as they are east of, uh, the Rocky Mountains I am really behind Wisconsin. When the season ended I really couldn’t see anyone in the country beating them and I think TCU is due for a letdown.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma (ESPN): No, I don’t know why Connecticut is in a BCS game and Michigan State isn’t. No, I don’t know why the Big East is incapable of fielding one team, even an All Star team, worthy of this slot. But, hey, free Tostitos for everyone! Each year there is one BCS game that is guaranteed to be horrible and this year this is it. Hey, you’ll need a break from football by this point anyway.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Two

2010-12-13T20:45:00.000-06:00

Time for Part Two of the Bowl Preview where we make our way from December 26th through December 30th, otherwise known as “that time you go into the office to work knowing that you won’t actually complete any work because all of the higher ups are on vacation and everyone is catching up on their web browsing.”

December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl: Florida International vs. Toledo (ESPN): I’m not sure if Little Caesars offers a bowl product. After seeing the pictures of the Domino’s Pasta Bowls, which I believed caused me to gain ten pounds just by seeing them on a computer screen, I believe that the only thing that could ruin the concept of pizza is forming it into a bowl shape. This game is in Detroit and thus adds to the misery of the city. Seriously, this is the best that they could get for a bowl game. FIU (with the exception of the legendary Ned) is a school that might not actually exist and they are going up against Toledo, which is like the 20th best school in the state of Ohio. Given that all you need to do to get into Ohio State is a) be born in Ohio and b) have a measurable pulse at the age of eighteen it makes you wonder just who decides to go to Toledo (or Ohio State for that matter.) Watch the game only if they promise you free pizza.

December 27th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech (ESPN2): For the second straight year I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what V100 is meant to represent. Might be an insurance company, might be a brand of insulation, or might be a secret government plot. All we know is that it took them 100 tries to get it right. And let us also hold a moment of silence for the legacy of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl, which will also rank as the best bowl game name ever. I yearn to one day own a house so that I can go into a store and buy a Poulan Weed Eater. Anyway, there is a good chance that there will not be a single pass attempt in this entire game. Both teams run the option, which is either fun to watch or the most boring thing imaginable depending on your point of view. Cheer for Air Force because it is the Independence Bowl and they help to keep us free from bees.

December 28th
Champs Sports Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina State (ESPN): Wow, Champs Sports is still in business? I didn’t know if they survived the latest round of dead malls. This is a matchup of two schools that….ok, I have to admit that I have nothing to say about either school’s football program. I’ll just say that I did drink with several of the basketball coaches from West Virginia one night in KC and that the first college basketball game I ever saw featured Jim Valvano’s North Carolina State team. Just watch Valvano’s ESPY speech and consider it a good night.

Insight Bowl: Missouri vs. Iowa (ESPN): This still refers to Insight.com as opposed to just the theoretical concept of insight though more bowl games do need to be about philosophical concepts. As I write this the game has been taken off the board in Vegas because it looks like most of Iowa is going to be suspended due to one of their players running a “drug house”. They should be cut some slack given that it is Iowa City. No one should have to live in Iowa sober. As a former KC resident (and a firm believer that it should be pronounced Missuorah) I’ll cheer for my former state school mainly due to the fact that Columbia is in the middle of nowhere yet still draws some pretty good bands. Hey, at least the team is better than Kansas this year.

December 29th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: East Carolina vs. Maryland (ESPN): Apparently it can no longer be called war profiteering if you use the money to sponsor sporting events. Seriously, is there a more ominous title for a football game? We all use the “football as war” metaphor but it sounds as though the halftime show will be a tribute to defense contract bidding strategies featuring the original hundred dollar hammer. Maryland is playing in Maryland which guarantees one thing: they will find the most incredible way to blow the game in the last minute. No team tears your heart out quite like Maryland. Plus, East Carolina is the Pirates and that is kind of like a military.

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (ESPN): Woo hoo! My Illini actually made it to a bowl game! Not a real game of course and one that seems to lead to a whole host of chili references but we are a fan base that is overjoyed by the prospect of a .500 season. We don’t ask for much out of Illinois football. Mainly just don’t embarrass us and give us something to watch until basketball practice starts. Of course it is horribly unfair to be playing the Texas Bowl in Texas against a team from Texas but that is just par for the course for the Illini. We’ve had to play games with one end zone, in a blizzard and in Fresno this year. A little adversity isn’t going to stop us. I’ll be wearing my orange for this one.

Oh and I’m not even going to bother getting into the new Big Ten logo and the “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. I know the divisions weren’t done geographically but couldn’t we have come up with anything better? Like the “It’s all Nebraska’s fault” and “Minnesota still has a football team?”

Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona (ESPN): I used to make fun of this game a lot but after going to San Antonio with Kim I have to say that it is a rather cool place to visit. You wouldn’t immediately think of it as a vacation spot but it is quite nice and one of these days we will probably visit it again. The Alamodome is a strange and ill-designed stadium, though. It seems to be designed for the sole purpose of getting 20,000 people stuck in the same hallway five minutes before the game starts. Oklahoma State is going to win this game by like 40 so that should be exciting. Oh, and though we all know it is an oil company you can’t hear the name Valero without thinking about some guy singing in an Italian restaurant with his bow tie undone.

December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU (ESPN): This game is being played in Dallas at Gerald Ford Stadium. I mention this because I have no idea where that stadium is or to what school it belongs. I’ve studied these things and I have no clue. Besides, Gerald Ford went to Michigan, played football for Michigan, and represented Michigan in Congress. I have no idea why someone would name a stadium for him in Dallas.

Army is in this game, which is fitting since they a) are part of the armed forces and b) use helicopters. SMU is best known for paying its players to the point that they had to cancel the entire football program for a while. This is no different than basically every other school; they were just dumb enough to get caught. I can’t see how one can cheer against Army in a game like this especially if they break out the camouflage uniforms. I mean, how will SMU even be able to see them?

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Kansas State vs. Syracuse (ESPN): This game is being played in Yankee Stadium, which is going to prove to be quite a challenge for Kansas State fans as they will have to travel to New York and they ain’t never been on a plane before. (Yeah, I know, K State jokes. Easy target. How about this one: the school is trying desperately to convince the fans that even though the team is staying in Manhattan it is not a home game.) While it is cool to watch football in a baseball stadium there really is no reason to be sitting outside in New York at the end of freaking December. I mean, these are two schools that tend to play in real games. Sure it is New York and all but what New Yorker is going to decide that today is the day that they will check out the new Yankee Stadium? Just bizarre. Anyway, a guy from K State cost me a date seven years ago so I have to root for Syracuse. Yes, I know that I am engaged to the woman of my dreams and have had every aspect of my life go the right way for me to reach this point but I’m still bitter.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina vs. Tennessee (ESPN): It must be hard watching a football game sponsored by the same company that is about to foreclose on your house. Given the foreclosure rate in this country I am truly expecting a Farm Aid type charity concert where instead of trying to save the family farm we try to save the family house. I’m serious here, as I was told today not everything in life is ironic. Tennessee is playing in Nashville so it should be fairly obvious who the winner is going to be. North Carolina will just be happy that they can focus on basketball and / or women’s soccer depending on if Roy Williams decides to pay attention this year or not.

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. Washington (ESPN): Ok, I have no idea if this is sponsored by a company called “Bridgeport Education” or if the makers of Bridgeport tires are promoting an “Education Holiday”. Given that I believe we now rank last in math and science the last thing we need is an education holiday though I have to admit they are some pretty damn good tires. The Holiday Bowl is historically the highest scoring bowl game and is required by law to feature at least five trick plays including one that recreates the scene from Lucas. This will be Nebraska’s last time representing the Big 12 before they join the Big 10 as its 12th member, thus making everything very confusing.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part One

2010-12-12T19:48:00.000-06:00

Now that the college football regular season is complete with Army losing once again to Navy, which in term means that Notre Dame ranks somewhere between the two, it is time for me to once again preview each and every one of the bowl games. This will be a multi-night affair as I treat you on what games to watch, players to keep your eyes out for, and explain why one would want to travel to Detroit for a bowl game. Tonight, your pre-Christmas Bowl games.

December 18th
New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP (ESPN): This is the first time in almost a decade that BYU is not in the Las Vegas Bowl. I’m telling you, if you go through my past bowl previews you will find more references to BYU fans playing the change machine than I would like to admit. The New Mexico Bowl promotes all things New Mexico, primarily by featuring the halftime entertainment of Weird Al Yankovic.

(Yes, this song has a second part. It’s the encore of Weird Al’s show; not that I’ve attended a dozen or so of his shows or anything.)

Anyway, it’s BYU against the only school in Texas that doesn’t really care about football in a state whose main source of income is tourism dollars from people searching for UFOs. Can’t imagine a better way to start the bowl season.

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State (ESPN): I think uDrove is a wonderful sponsor for a bowl game in Boise. Many of the people in the stands will be wondering just why they are in Idaho and they will be reminded that “Hey, you’re the idiot who drove here.” This is also one of the worst games a team can be sent to because, let’s face it, if you’re Northern Illinois you at least hope that you might get sent to a place that is vaguely warm. Instead you are playing on blue turf in Boise. At least for Fresno State they get a chance to get out of Fresno, a place I assume makes Idaho look exciting. Since this is the Humanitarian Bowl I fully expect three roughing the passer penalties, five late hits and at least one player pulling out a gun like The Last Boy Scout.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs. Troy (ESPN): This is a totally unfair game. We have an entire state against just one guy. However, I have to assume that he is one badass guy if he is willing to step on to a field, look at the other team, and just say “bring it.” Ohio is the team whose mascot attacked Brutus the Buckeye earlier this year and then stated that the only reason he tried out for the mascot position was to have a chance to beat up Brutus the Buckeye. If there is one thing that college football needs it is more full contact warfare between mascots. Anyway, if you are in New Orleans and are attending this game I hope that you are related to one of the players because otherwise there are a lot better things you could be doing in that town.

December 21st:
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Mississippi vs. Louisville (ESPN): I’m sorry but for what I assume is a food product a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sounds like the least appetizing thing in the world. I assume that Florence Henderson is the spokesperson but then I am quite concern of what the beef is of, especially since we haven’t seen Christopher Knight on VH-1 recently. This is a classic matchup between the school that Favre attended that by now probably wants to disavow all associations with him and the school that would much rather prefer to just move on to basketball season. I’ll take Southern Miss, just because they are still overjoyed that they didn’t change their team name to the Wranglers.

December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (ESPN): Oh, what could have been. Both these teams were gunning for a BCS Bowl and all Boise State had to do was beat Fresno State and they would have been showing off their blue uniforms in front of the nation. Instead, they will be playing in front of people who didn’t gamble enough to get comped tickets to Cirque du Soleil. This should be a really good game between teams that should be playing on New Year’s Day. Utah has collapsed near the end of the season and Boise wasn’t as good as we all thought but it should still be a good matchup between the best of the non-BCS schools. Plus, you’ll get to hear the “Em double A (honk honk) CO” jingle at least a dozen times and that is always good.

December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State (ESPN): Oh, so much to talk about here. First off, this is the fun bowl where for the entire season Navy has been penciled in to play here because they signed a contract with the bowl before the season even started. Seriously, this has been Navy vs. opponent all season long. Then, you have the fact that it will be a home game for both teams. Navy has all of the military personnel in San Diego and San Diego State is, well, in San Diego. This should make for a pretty fun atmosphere with vocal crowds, which is something you don’t see very often in the bowls. Navy will win, of course, but it should be fun to watch.

But really this game is all about the sponsorship, which is still the most mind bending one in existence. Because think of the nationwide ESPN audience being told in great detail the wonders of the San Diego County Credit Union. The convenience of their ATMs, their competitive interest rates and the fact that 99% of the country is ineligible to take advantage of the San Diego County Credit Union. I will never understand this sponsorship and I take pity on the announcers who must say the full name of the game. However, they do get to say things like “Their defense is playing poisonous right now, much like the Poinsettia plant is so remember to be careful with it over the holiday season.”

December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Tulsa (ESPN): Ah, Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Families are gathered in preparation for the joyous occasion. It is a time for calm and anticipation and spending hours sitting and talking with loved ones. Well, fuck that because Tulsa is playing! Screw your family; when else are you going to get a chance to find out what is the more powerful weather pattern: a Golden Hurricane or a Rainbow?

Yes, instead of watching It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story on endless repeat you can watch Tulsa take on Hawaii in a game that means pretty much nothing other than Tulsa gets a really nice vacation on it. Sucks for the Hawaii team for having to stay home for a bowl game but they live in Hawaii so you really don’t have to feel sorry for them. It’s just nice to know that if you are sick of your family on Christmas Eve there is football to watch. Maybe not good football but football.

Best of 120 Minutes: Remember how Elastica was supposed to become this huge band yet you only heard one song ever? It’s still a good song but I always wondered whatever happened to the band. Also, in keeping with the rules of 90’s alternative bands I am going to assume that all three girls are playing bass guitar.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Vedera “The Weight of an Empty Room”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) C. J. Chenier “Hot Rod”
4) Ryan Adams “Rock N Roll”
5) Richard Buckner “Impasse”

Keep the Funk in KC!!!

2010-12-01T20:13:00.001-06:00

I saw a car with the license plate “WISDUMB” today. Very seldom am I caught wondering if what I am seeing is brilliant or quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen. This one put me in that mode and I have to say that after careful consideration I am going to have to side with the latter.

Also, can someone explain to me why it is impossible to get all of the episodes of the Monkees on DVD? The collection of the series (of which I think there were only two actual seasons) is out of print and I’d be forced to pay an insane amount on Amazon for them. Isn’t this show one of the best things that could ever possibly be on DVD? Who wouldn’t want to own every single episode of the Monkees? This bothers me greatly.

(By the way, apparently my dream of having the Monkees inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is being stopped by Jann Werner of Rolling Stone, who pretty much has the final say in the entire process. So if you ever needed a reason to hate Rolling Stone even more than you already do here you go. Seriously, is there anything more representative of Rock and Roll than the Monkees? Sure they didn’t play their own instruments but isn’t that the entire point? In Rock and Roll certain things like talent, skill or playing in tune aren’t technically required.)

Note to my KC brethren: I finally checked my official blog email (which is seldom read because, well, everyone who reads this knows me in real life except for possibly my fanbase in Brazil) and I have several emails from the Funkhouser reelection campaign. Some people might actually remember that a few years ago I was named an “influential blogger” by the Funkhouser campaign for my innovative campaign slogans like “Bring the Funk to KC” and “We need the Funk” and “Funk this town!” I am not making this up. I was invited to press events and everything which is rather hysterical given that much of the rest of the blog was devoted to describing KC as a cowtown with a distinct lack of cows.

Well, I was able to get Funk elected and then left town before I had to deal with the consequences. That doesn’t mean that I am off the press list though as I am receiving a surprising number of emails from the campaign inviting me to events around town, asking if I want a Funk bobblehead or a t-shirt reading, and I quote here, “Funk your mayor.” It is often said that people get the politicians they deserve. If there is one city more deserving of Funk than KC I have yet to see it.

Your 2010 Holiday Viewing Guide

2010-11-30T20:58:00.001-06:00

Due to travel and computer issues I am a few days behind in publishing my Holiday Viewing Guide. Here it is with some references to shows that may have already aired but a) are probably on YouTube and b) will most likely be shown three thousand times between now and Christmas anyway.

(Times are in central as a) I am using a Chicago Sun Times for the listing and b) I don’t feel like doing math.)

Thursday, November 25th
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I read the best description of the Macy’s Parade this year “It’s the Tony Awards if they were held outside in the rain with a lot of lip synching.” That is pretty much it given that the entire event is one large infomercial for Broadway (featuring the horrendous Spider Man musical) and brand mascots. There were no killer balloons this year, which is always a bit of a downer. That turkey float was still there, though.

Miracle on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): A man makes a mockery of the legal system in which a number of letters from children (that aren’t even opened by the way) is taken to be enough proof of a man’s sanity. I have said it before and I will say it again; there just ain’t no such thing as a sanity clause.

A Very Monkey Christmas (7 PM, PBS): Starring Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat. I’m not sure if I prefer this to a show featuring monkeys in Christmas outfits. In fact, I am going to search the Animal Planet listings right now just to see if I could find such a show.

Friday, November 26th
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Noon, Comedy Central): No one will believe me but I saw this movie for the first time this year. I already knew every line of dialogue though. This might be the high point of Juliette Lewis’s acting career. Definitely the high point of her music career.

Andrea Bocelli and David Foster – My Christmas (8:05 PM, PBS): Sigh. I wish we still had David Foster Wallace with us. I would love to see what he would write about the commercial nature of the holidays and / or tennis.

Sunday, November 28th
The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (7 PM, ABC Family): Let me quote the Sun Times here “Zeus the dog falls for a poodle (voice of Paris Hilton).” Zeus the dog is apparently voiced by Mario Lopez. Or possibly Mario Lopez is playing Zeus the dog. I am compelled to try to find this and watch it just so I could see who could possibly fit the words “Paris Hilton” and “Holiday Christmas Special” in the same pitch.

Monday, November 29th
Scrooged (7 PM, AMC): This film doesn’t get nearly enough love as it deserves during the holidays. Sure, it is darker than stuff like a Christmas Story but it has the benefit of actually being quite funny. Plus, we need more Bill Murray in our lives.

Tuesday, November 30th
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): The source of two of my favorite bits of entertainment of all time: Hermey the Misfit Elf and “She thinks I’m cute!!!” There is also something about a reindeer who saves Christmas because Santa was too cheap to purchase running lights for his sleigh. Seriously, the dude runs a multi national corporation and can’t devise a contingency plan for fog?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): One man nobly gives the arrogant people of Whoville the holiday they truly deserve thus teaching them the true meaning of Christmas. Also, much like the Grinch, I still contend that my body is three sizes too large rather than my heart being three times too small.

Wednesday, December 1st
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Yeah, me neither.

Thursday, December 2nd
The Santa Suit (7 PM, Hallmark): Greedy exec (played by Hercules Kevin Sorbo) is transformed into St. Nick. No notes as to whether or not Xena, Warrior Princess makes an appearance as Mrs. Claus. Whatever happened to Xena anyway? She’s due for a Dancing with the Stars appearance.

Saturday, December 4th
Olive, the Other Reindeer (4 PM, Cartoon): Mentioning this one just because of my love of puns. Also, it features a cute dog and dogs just don’t get enough love in holiday specials. Mice, reindeer, the evil minions of Whoville, talking piles of snow, they all get their own shows. Lovable puppy dogs get the misfortune of being voiced by Paris Hilton.

Tuesday, December 7th
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The only holiday special that is required viewing. In fact, if we could just show this repeatedly throughout the holidays we would all be better off. I know that I can’t consider myself unbiased here given that I have a painting of Snoopy hanging in my apartment but there is nothing that touches upon the season quite like this show: Linus’ speech, the funky dancing, Snoopy’s doghouse, and the wonders of Dolly Madison snack cakes. God, I could use a Zinger right now.

Thursday, December 9th
The Santa Incident (7 PM, Hallmark): Have to quote the Sun Times verbatim here: “Homeland Security missile shoots down the sleigh.” I’m not sure if I have anything else to add to that. When I think about Christmas Santa being taken down by surface to air missiles just doesn’t come to mind. It stars Ione Skye for those of you who are wondering what Ione Skye looks like twenty plus years after Say Anything.

Friday, December 10th
The Santa Clause (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Tim Allen in a fat suit? Yeah, me neither.

Fred Claus (7 PM, TBS): Hey, want to see Vince Vaughn in, well, anything? Wow, no one? Not even rewatching Swingers? Guess we’ll skip this one.

A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): The story of a man whose proper management techniques provides excellent returns for his shareholders and employment for numerous members of the surrounding community.

Saturday, December 11th
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Teaching kids to fall in love with creatures that will eventually melt and die. Show of hands, how many people end up crying when Frosty starts to melt? There are very few shows that have such a maudlin feel to them as you are promised that he will be back someday as long as you don’t remember that he is currently that puddle of water over there.

It’s a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still haven’t watched this movie. I think that qualifies me as purely evil or something. Just wasn’t something we watched in my family. That or I never felt that banking practices were exactly riveting holiday topics.

Tuesday, December 14th
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): If you stopped reading Peanuts near the end, which wouldn’t be too surprising as Charles Schulz was kind of losing it by that point, you missed a lot of wonderful bits featuring Linus and Lucy’s younger brother: Rerun. Not only could he be philosophical (and rather dark) but one long standing plot line was his wanting a dog. I really relate to Rerun.

Saturday, December 18th
Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): I don’t understand this one at all. First off, these two characters have perfectly fine specials of their own so they don’t need to do some sort of superhero team up episode. Plus, it’s December. Why the hell do I want to watch a show about July? Horrible marketing all around.

Christmas Eve
“’Twas the Night Before Christmas” (Noon, ABC Family): The most underrated Christmas special of all time. Yes, this one probably holds a special place in my heart because it features an extremely intelligent, glasses wearing mouse, who almost ruins Christmas because he is too smart for his own good. Not like that is representative of me in the least. It even has some really nice songs. Watch this over so many of the crappy holiday movies out there.

A Christmas Story (7 PM (and every two hours after), TBS): Much like Shakespeare and Elvis, A Christmas Story suffers from the fact that something can be the best and still be overrated. Yes, this was an amazing film when I first watched it and there are scenes that can still bring a smile to my face but it is so overplayed (literally being shown for 24 hours straight) that for the most part it has no meaning any more. I would like us to have a few year moratorium on this film just so it could regain its awesomeness.

A weekend to forget

2010-11-29T19:50:00.000-06:00

And I’m back again after a slight trip into the unknown and some rather bad days. Ever have a period where absolutely everything seemed to go wrong at once? Well, that has been this entire year. This weekend just seemed to live up to it. What is amazing is that what I am going to write about isn’t even the worst thing that happened this weekend.

First off, I’ve spent most of the past few days fighting off a nasty stomach bug. You know, one of those fun ones where you spend much of the day in the bathroom and the rest of the time wondering who hit you in the stomach with a 2 by 4. I still don’t know quite what I caught but it was nastier than anything I have dealt with in recent years. Not too many people end up losing six pounds over Thanksgiving but this was that bad. I’ve luckily recovered and now have started to feel like myself again.

(By the way, this makes me really think that the only way those contestants on the Biggest Loser put up those weight loss numbers in a week is through massive dehydration. There is no way in the world that one can knock off that much weight in fat that quickly even if they spent all day exercising. While it is great that I am near my weight loss target for the year I right now need to put on weight or at least drink a ton of Gatorade.)

Add to that I had the wonderful scenario of having my car very nearly die on me. Technically, it just struggled to start mightily. First dealt with this at the airport when I came home where I thought that maybe having the car out in the cold for a few days made it a little sluggish. Sluggish then turned to almost being unable to start to today where when it started my fuel gauge read empty even though I had a quarter of a tank left. Ended up I had a nearly dead battery and had to go and get that replaced and was just happy that I was able to drive the car in as opposed to having it towed in. Given that my car is only a year old this is insanely annoying.

Like I said that wasn’t anywhere near the worst thing to happen this weekend but it just gives you a sense of how my year is going. With just one more month to go I would really like to just get out of 2010 and into 2011. I know that it theoretically won’t make much of a difference but I would really like to see a new page on the calendar. Maybe it will help things out greatly.

(I did have a great time going home for Thanksgiving and seeing my family. It is tough when you live so far away from everyone. It gets lonely out here in Delaware. And boring, but I’m pretty sure that fact surprises no one.)

What I've Read

2010-11-23T21:20:00.000-06:00

So my friend Lori posted this list on her Facebook page and I figured that I might as well blog about it. It is a list of the top 100 books per the BBC (or more accurately the viewers). Books that I have read are shown in bold. Those that I have at least read some of are shown in italics. This will give a good sense of where the big gaps are in my reading habits.

1) Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2) The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3) Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4) Harry Potter series – J K Rowling
5) To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6) The Bible
7) Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8) 1984 – George Orwell
9) His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman
10) Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11) Little Women – Louisa May Alcott
12) Tess of the D’Ubervilles – Thomas Hardy
13) Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14) The Complete Works of Shakespeare
15) Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16) The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17) Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18) The Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19) The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20) Middlemarch – George Eliot
21) Gone With the Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22) The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23) Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24) War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25) The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26) Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27) Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoevsky
28) The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29) Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30) The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahme
31) Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32) David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33) The Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34) Emma – Jane Austen
35) Persuasion – Jane Austen
36) The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37) The Kite Runner – Khalid Hosseini
38) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39) Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40) Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41) Animal Farm – George Orwell
42) The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43) One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44) A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45) The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46) Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47) Far from the Maddening Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48) The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49) Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50) Atonement – Ian McEwan
51) Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52) Dune – Frank Herbery
53) Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54) Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55) A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56) The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruis Zafon
57) A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58) Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime – Mark Gaddon
60) Love in the Time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marques
61) Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62) Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63) The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64) The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65) Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66) On the Road – Jack Kerouac
67) Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68) Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69) Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70) Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71) Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72) Dracula – Bram Stroker
73) The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74) Notes from a Small Island – Bill Bryson
75) Ulysses – James Joyce
76) The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77) Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78) Germinal – Emile Zola
79) Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80) Possession – AS Byatt
81) A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82) Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83) The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84) The Remains of the Day – Kazup Ishiguro
85) Madame Bovary – Gustave Falubert
86) A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87) Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88) The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89) The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90) The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91) Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92) The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93) The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94) Watership Down – Richard Adams
95) A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96) A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97) The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98) Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100) Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

That is 27 read and 6 partials and I am more than pissed that I have to count the works of Shakespeare as a partial. I’ve read 23 of the plays and I really don’t feel like I should be penalized for not having read King John. No one reads King John. Anyway, not bad for someone who is a science geek who never had a literature class above English 103. (Kim, my English major significantly better half, has read probably well over half of these.)

I don’t list this as much to show off what I’ve read and stroke my ego but rather to get a sense of where are the gaps in my reading. Since this is a BBC list my gaps are obviously amongst British authors. I haven’t read any Jane Austen and have barely touched the Brontes. I wish I had a better reason for that other than male chauvinism but that really is the answer. Remember at one point in time I had to specifically make it a goal of mine to read at least one female author every year. For some reason I got it stuck in my head that stuff like Pride and Prejudice were “girl books” and I didn’t have to concern myself with them. Yes, that is actually as stupid as it sounds.

I’m also woefully lacking in Charles Dickens and his cohort Wilkie Collins. Here I want to blame my precociousness as a youth given that it backfired on me. I probably started to read Great Expectations when I was in seventh or eighth grade and could just never get into it. There was Pip and a convict and for some reason a really detailed inventory of a cupboard and it just never clicked, most likely because I was a twelve year old kid trying to understand Victorian England. As a result, I’ve never gone back to it. Well, my goal for next year is to really fill this gap in my literary knowledge.

The Russians, on the other hand, have been my nemesis forever. Those books just stare at me from the shelves and taunt me with their difficulty. As a result I haven’t read War and Peace or Crime and Punishment or, for that matter, War and Punishment or Crime and Peace. I still don’t feel that I will be able to claim to be a true connoisseur of literature until I conquer the Russians but that will be a challenge.

Of what I have read I have hit most of the 20th century classics while missing some of the more popular stuff (no Tolkein even though no one will ever believe that.) I’ve always been lacking in terms of mainstream fiction though I really do want to read The Time Traveller’s Wife and The Lovely Bones. I don’t know if I can say that I am well rounded in my literary tastes but I have a pretty significant background especially given this is not what I’ve ever officially studied. I’m probably not as well read as I think I am, which is good because that just means I have more books to read and that is never a bad thing.

Flying blind

2010-11-22T20:13:00.001-06:00

(And I’m back from my extended laptop vacation. New laptop has been acquired, name still to be determined. You have to figure out the personality of a new machine before it can be properly named. Right now I am leaning towards Farrah.)

If it is Thanksgiving that means that it is travel time and more and more people will be crowding the airports and making my life a living hell. As someone who flies enough that he has become a frequent flier on two separate airlines this time of year is just brutal for me because my usual routines get completely screwed up by people who have no idea what they are doing. So, as a public service, here is my advice if you are going to the airport this week.

1) Print out your boarding pass at home: Saves you a few minutes, especially if you aren’t checking bags. This way if all you have are carryons you can go straight to security. Plus, depending on the airline the sooner you check in the sooner you will be able to get on the plane, which I will talk about later.

2) Be prepared for the security process: I have a routine that I go through every time I fly. Right before I step in the security line I go through everything in my pockets and place them in my backpack. I have my boarding pass and ID in hand. In my backpack in clear plastic bags are a) any liquids I am carrying (in small bottles), b) my Kindle and any laptop cords and c) my portable DVD player (which Kim got me for my birthday and has been a wonderful present). Once I get to the X ray machine shoes are off, bags are in the bin and I quickly move through. It really isn’t that difficult a process if you spend thirty seconds getting yourself prepared beforehand.

3) But what about the new fangled scanners?: Ok, I must admit that I haven’t had to deal with these yet. However, due to the fact that I have worked in places where I have required some pretty significant security clearances (strange but true) I have gone through my share of scanners in my day. I personally am not too worried about the new scanners: random person who can’t see me or my face sees a strange computer image of me where I look vaguely naked. It’s just not an issue for me though I understand how others might feel that way. The radiation doesn’t worry me either or at least no more than my worry that I will be sitting in a metal box 30,000 feet in the air being supported only by the laws of physics. As for pat downs, yeah, they can get up in your grill depending on how they do it. Still, as someone who was scheduled to be on a flight from London a few years back that was targeted I am happy to see any advanced security tactics.

4) Don’t stand on moving walkways: Seriously. This freaking kills me. You’ve been sitting in a plane for hours only to get on the walkway and stand perfectly still because you are too tired to walk while thirty people behind you run into each other. If you are perfectly fine with walking then use the walkway for what it was intended for: walking.

5) The Chic-Fil-A at the airport is closed on Sundays: Even for Thanksgiving weekend. The one time I was forced to fly out of Philly on that Sunday I discovered this horrible fact. Given that one of the few pleasures of flying out of Philly is Chic-Fil-A this was heart wrenching.

6) Understand your airlines boarding procedure: Some have assigned seats and board by zones. Some have open seating and board in numerical order. Understand that ahead of time or ask the nice person next to you how it works. I can’t stand people who don’t know the process or try to board with Zone 2 when they are Zone 8. I understand the need to game the system and lord knows I’ve done it (luckily my frequent flier status helps me here) but at least follow the rules.

7) Live by the laws of carry on baggage: You get two bags. One goes under your seat. One goes overhead. Putting your coat in the overhead bin just pisses people off. Rollerbags go in wheels first. And I hate to say this but if you are one of the last people to board odds are your bag is going to be gate checked. It’s happened to me and it will happen to you, especially if you are on one of the airlines that charges to check bags. Over the past two years you have seen a huge increase in the amount of carry on luggage because of people not wanting to check bags. That means that the bins fill up quickly and if you are not one of the people who board early it means that you can end up spending 45 minutes waiting for your carry on bag with the rest of the luggage (which happened to me at midnight a few weeks ago.) If everyone packs accordingly this is less of an issue but if you are worried about it you need to find a way to board early or just check your bags to begin with.

8) Don’t bother the guy wearing headphones: You really don’t want to hear about my day.

I also have a great need for paste

2010-11-11T19:04:00.003-06:00

Remember when you were in grade school and you sat and wondered when in your life you would actually end up using these skills? Well, I had one of those moments today where I realized that my second grade teacher was on to something. That is because despite the fact that I have at my fingertips massive computing power, three monitors, the entire breadth of information contained in Google and a cell phone that is more powerful than my first three computers I had to spend a good portion of my morning searching for a ruler so I could measure something.

Seriously, I had to find a ruler. Incredibly, we had one in our supply closet so I was able to accurately measure some distances on a map. I know it sounds vaguely normal but it was just one of those moments that really struck me as totally bizarre. I have no recollection of the last time I even used a ruler. A tape measure is a different matter; everyone needs to use those occassionaly around the house. But a ruler sits slightly above the protractor and the compass in terms of useful items (and that is giving the compass bonus points due to its potential to be used as a deadly weapon. Whose wonderful idea was it to provide kids with essentially metal spikes?)

We did learn a lot of useless skills as kids. I only use cursive to sign my name and might not even be able to write a sentence in it today. I certainly couldn't write a legible paragraph but that is why I gave up using cursive when I was in high school. My handwriting was atrocious due to the fact that I can't hold a pencil correctly (I'm right handed and right brained which causes a lot of strange side effects) so I just started printing everything. Now since everything is typewritten cursive is a thing of the past. I also don't perform long division anywhere nearly as often as you would expect nor do I ever have a need to find the lowest common denominator. Calculus though I have used every frigging day of my adult life. Diagramming a sentence? Not as much.

(Side note here. I was thinking recently about how I took absolutely zero fun classes in college. I mean, I had friends who took ballroom dancing and long distance running for credit. The closest I had to something fun were my liberal arts electives of intro to world history and intro to english. Those were interesting but still pretty well required. Everything else was math and engineering. It may have made me successful but it certainly wasn't much fun. I would have killed to have taken the english course that focused on comedy writing.)

One of the things that I have noticed is that despite the fact that I am now undeniably old I still think back to my time in school. This week I have had two nightmares that were high school or college related even though that was 20 years ago. Maybe we never quite leave the classroom.

Six Years and Counting!!!!

2010-11-10T18:47:00.002-06:00

It's my birthday! I'm a ninja! It's my birthday!

(I might as well immediately state that is a Sifl and Olly reference because no one is going to get it. To be honest, no one is going to understand what I mean by "Sifl and Olly" either. Sigh.)

Yes friends of the blogosphere tonight marks the six year anniversary of the launch of Battling the Current. I am not making this up; you could peruse all of my past entries by searching the archives on the right column going back to my November 10, 2004 post where I try to explain what a blog is to people. It's been an amazing ride. Let's review some stats.

Number of posts: 1,483

Number of words written: If I take a low estimate and say I average 500 words a post that would equate to 741,500 words. If I guess 600 words a post it equals 889,800 words. I am somewhere in that range. At 60,000 words for a novel that means I have written the equivalent of between 12 and 15 books over the past six years. Yet I still cannot finish my novel. Astounding.

Country that I am most amazed that I get page hits from: Iran. Every year I get a few hits from Iran. I always imagine that this results in some poor censor having to check out this site and try to figure out precisely why I have such an interest in Lindsay Lohan.

Country where I have suddenly become popular: Brazil. Over the past month almost 4 % of the people who read the blog came from Brazil and if you look at the map they are spread across the entire country. I've had nearly as many views from Indonesia. Anyone who wishes to explain this to me I would love to know why.

Number of laptops used: Three. Julie (still operational and the founding computer of the blog), Natalie (wonderful though tempremental machine whose screen imploded on me) and Beth (who I just had diagnosed as suffering a motherboard failure.) I'll be getting a fourth, name to be determined, in the near future. And as I said before I will not name a laptop Lindsay because that would just doom the machine to virus infections.

Number of times I was physically threatened in the comments: Once when I said about a singer songwriter in Lawrence that "the show improved when he broke a guitar string because at least now he had a reason for sucking so badly." That did not go over with the fans.

Bands where my blog has been promoted on the website / primary fan page: Tift Merritt, The Polyphonic Spree and The Frames. The last one is still probably my proudest moment and easily gained me the most traffic. They are my favorite band and people loved the reason I posted the video.

Television shows on the air in November 2004: Joey, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Method and Red, The OC

Number of CDs released under the Battling the Current label: Three. I should probably start that up again. People just don't make enough mixtapes.

Distance I must keep between myself and My Beloved Lindsay at all times: 500 yards thanks to a rather humorless judge.

All in all it has been a rather amazing run. I never anticipated writing like this for six years but then again I never imagined anyone reading it either. And the fact is I have gotten comments and readership and even followers (or at least that is what Blogger calls them) so in my mind this has been a pretty successful venture. I know that the past year or so has seen a decline in the amount of posts mainly due to the fact that my schedule is not as constant as it once was but I still love getting to sit down at night and just write whatever I feel like. It really is a highlight of my day.

I still don't know when or if I'll ever stop this site. I'm still trying to figure out its new tone as it was started as a way for me to vent about my failings in my search for my dream girl and now I've, well, now I'm getting ready to marry her. But I have a feeling that just means that my adventures won't stop; they are just going to change shape. It's been a fun ride so far and I doubt it is going to stop anytime soon.

Computer issues

2010-11-08T19:14:00.002-06:00

So, right after I finished my blog post last night (literally while I was checking the page view stats like I do after every post) Beth the Laptop decided to turn itself off in a rather catastrophic manner. Just one of those moments when everything is working fine and then the screen suddenly goes "bloop" and you quickly realize how long it has been since you've backed up your hard drive. I don't know quite what happened and will have one of my tech guys look at it later this week but I have a feeling that it may be rather severely fried. I'm just hoping that I will be able to rescue the data. Even though all of my writing is on the blog I would rather not have to compile over 100,000 words of blog posts back into Word format just so I could keep all my writers journals together.

What this also means is that I have brought Julie the Laptop out of retirement for the time being. Julie was the computer of choice for the blog at the beginning and is still the computer that I am most accustomed to. I have had this laptop since 2001 and it went through grad school, the blog, and several attempts at writing a novel. There really isn't much that I have not used this laptop for. She's probably the best computer that I have ever had given that nine years later I can get her to run while Beth failed shy of the two year mark. (For the record, Julie is a Sony Vaio with a Julie Delpy screensaver. Beth was an HP with a Beth Orton screensaver. And yes, my computers all have names.)

While I do have a computer up and running there is something uniquely horrible about having your computer fail. Your entire life is tied up with your computer and the idea about being separated from your data and the online world is rather scary. For me it is more of a matter of being away from my information. I don't have my journal or my CD collection spreadsheet or the list of all of the books that I've read. None of that information is vital to my day to day existence and most of it could be recreated but it really is a huge component of who I am. I've kept the journals for 12 years now and I have each one in a Word document. Same for the list of books. It is kind of silly but it means the world to me. Luckily most of my pictures are stored in numerous places and my music still exists in CD form. I couldn't imagine losing my entire music collection in one instant.

Given that I am writing this online now I probably shouldn't say this but I think that I could survive without the internet at least in the short term. I guess I should temper that by saying on a personal level as obviously I can access the net from work. It probably won't be a bad thing if I spend less time online over these next few weeks. I could use some time away from Facebook and celebrity gossip sites. I don't have to spend all evening reading reviews of television shows that I have already watched to see if I missed some pithy comment that I could make regarding a line of dialogue. Sometimes you just need to turn the information spigot off. Maybe I'll do that.

Government taking our sunlight...

2010-11-07T20:10:00.000-06:00

(Is there a rule as to how long political signs have to stay up on the side of the road after an election? I was sick of looking at pictures of Christine O’Donnell before; now that there is no legitimate reason for me to care about her I really don’t know why I have to see the signs. Though I will admit that her candidacy was the only way for the rest of the country to remember that Delaware is technically a state which, too be honest, is questionable at best.)

This is also the time of year where I make my typical remarks around how horrible Daylight Savings Time is. Actually, this weekend is the one I like as it a) gives me an extra hour of sleep and b) for a short period of time actually puts my body on the right schedule. See, my natural tendency is to sleep later than I should and stay up later than I should for my work schedule. Switching the clocks back an hour makes my body match up with the time for once. The fact that it was pitch black at 5:30 is not what one would call a nice thing but this time change doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the one in the spring. Still, just another sign that we are nearing the time of year where you wake up in the dark, go home in the dark and spend the rest of the time in a windowless box looking at a computer screen. Isn’t modern life wonderful?

In the “You know how lazy you are” story of the day, one of the Chilean miners completed the New York City marathon today in five hours and forty minutes. I, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to get up off the couch in order to run on the treadmill. The miner in question was the one who not only sang Elvis songs to keep everyone’s spirits up but also would run several miles every day inside the mine in order to keep himself together. All of which makes me wonder if they had that much space and free time why didn’t they do any actual mining? They were down there for two months so you would think that they could have dug up some gold while they were at it.

Last thought of the night as I know that this has been a completely random post. I’ve been watching Holmes on Homes on HGTV recently and I have realized that once I actually purchase a house that I am completely screwed. While Holmes is awesome as the only contractor on the planet who legitimately cares about his work the show basically puts the fear of God in the hearts of anyone who even thinks about owning a place. It is just one piece of bad construction after another that no homeowner would ever catch. Plus, you realize just how little you actually know about construction. If I was forced to maintain my own place alone I’d be living in a tent by the end of the week.

Best of 120 Minutes: Ever notice how certain bars have certain songs? As in that for some reason it is tradition that one song must be played on the jukebox every night even though it hasn’t been a hit in well over a decade. Well at Kelly’s in Kansas City it was James “Laid”. Of all the songs that one could choose this is actually a really good one. No one ever explained to me why this spoke to the people of Kansas City but hey, it was Kansas City. It will never make any sense.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) White Rabbits “Fort Nightly”
2) Mike Doughty “Sad Man Happy Man”
3) Keb’ Mo’ “Just Like You”
4) The Minus 5 “Down with Wilco”
5) The V-Roys “Are You Through Yet?”

Some real quick notes...

2010-11-04T20:11:00.000-05:00

Your big news story for the day is that David Cassidy was arrested for a DUI this morning, thus answering the question “Is David Cassidy still alive?” Actually, at this point does his getting pulled over for a DUI even qualify as news? How far removed must you be from stardom to no longer qualify under “celebrity gossip?” No one has cared about David Cassidy for decades so this really is no different than some regular guy getting pulled over for a DUI. I mean, when you reach the point in fame where people say that you couldn’t even get arrested in this town the fact that you actually did get arrested should not qualify as a news story.

Bret Michaels sleeping with Miley Cyrus’ mom, on the other hand, is totally a news story if just to show how freaking awesome Bret Michaels is. I actually saw someone online argue that this would ruin Bret’s image. Ruin his image? The guy had a show for several seasons on VH-1 that consisted entirely of him hooking up with strippers and people just loved him more for it. Stealing a woman from Billy Ray Cyrus is just a victory lap at this point.

Oh, and the one last election story that I had somehow forgotten to talk about the past two nights. I can’t believe that the legalize marijuana initiative did not pass in California. I mean, how difficult is it to organize a bunch of potheads to stuff the ballot box? It’s not like they are lazy or anything. However, it came as no surprise to me that shares in Taco Bell plummeted once the election results were in. (The funniest thing I read online recently was in regards to a football player being arrested on drug possession at a Taco Bell at 2 in the morning. Someone wrote “Is there anyone in line at Taco Bell at 2 in the morning who doesn’t have pot on them?”)

About last night...

2010-11-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

I have a few thoughts on the election from last night that I didn’t bother sharing because everyone on the planet was sharing their thoughts on the election and to be honest no one cared. I doubt that anyone will care now but at least my voice will have a little less competition. Also, I like to say that I completely avoided watching any election coverage because it is quite possibly the most boring coverage in the world. It is just a bunch of numbers on a screen and that is incredibly uninteresting and this is coming from a guy who looks at spreadsheets all day.

I think the big story of the election is not the Republican victory but which Republican candidates lost. Particularly the triumvirate of Christine O’Donnell, Sharon Angle and to a lesser extent Linda McMahon. I’m not targeting them because they are women though there is an interesting argument that they are anti-feminist candidates to be made. My main point is that they ran as outsider, rather radical candidates in elections that they could easily have won but all lost, often at great expense. Their losses will probably be the biggest strike against a Sarah Palin presidency run.

There is only so much one can do as an outsider candidate running on a platform that contains outrageous statements. You can tap into a vein of popular sentiment against the incumbent but unless you have some bona fide credentials behind you the tactic tends to not work. Sharon Angle is a clear example of this. Despite the fact that everyone, including members of his family, hates Harry Reid she still couldn’t beat him because voters could not rally behind her image and her message. We want change, we want new voices, but there is a point where we get really nervous. I did not want to vote for Chris Coons in Delaware but Christine O’Donnell gave me no reason to vote for her other than she was mildly attractive.

Sarah Palin is going to fall right into this trap. She can’t run as the experienced candidate when she quit the governorship to star in a reality TV show with Kate Gosselin and whatever number of kids were available for filming that day. Candidates running as free speaking outsiders without credentials don’t win on the level necessary to be president. The fact that the Republicans didn’t take the senate shows that the party is going to need a candidate more towards the middle and more traditional in order to win the presidency in 2012.

(Yes, I know that Rand Paul winning in Kentucky despite saying quite amazing things such as that he wouldn’t vote for the Civil Rights Act kind of shoots a hole in my theory. However, it is Kentucky where it is a state law that the senators be technically insane. It is in the same section of the constitution that states that all elected officials must down a fifth of Jim Beam every morning.)

Basically what I am saying is that we are going to be returning to politics as usual. Washington will be gridlock, which is usually the best we can hope for. The best government is one that doesn’t actually accomplish anything and that keeps the politicians off the streets where they could do real damage. We’ll see both parties merge towards the middle, the rhetoric will die down some and we can all get a little bit of peace and quiet. Hopefully.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m in a Soul Coughing mood at the moment plus this video features cartoon angst. All you really need to ask for.

The 2012 presidential campaign starts.....now!

2010-11-02T21:05:00.001-05:00

A whole bunch of random notes for the evening…

1) A huge shout to How I Met Your Mother for having Barney wear a Cobra Kai costume for Halloween. As a proud owner of a Cobra Kai t-shirt I am glad to see that Barney is a member of the “Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy” fraternity. Also this episode showed precisely why Barney gets the girls while Ted doesn’t. Barney is suavely dressed in Cobra Kai kit, an understated costume that shows off his guns and can be quickly removed in a romantic situation. Ted, on the other hand, is wearing a full hot dog costume that is way too obvious, has inconveniently located zippers and would lead to the use of lines like “boy, I would certainly relish you.” That is why I am totally Team Barney.

2) While driving home from work I saw a handwritten sign on a church that read “God Sez Vote for O’Donnell.” My first thought was, “I would really expect God to be a better speller.” Well, sad to say Delaware’s favorite witch lost tonight in a result that we all saw coming months ago. I will say that she did get more negative press than she deserved. She did not have the qualifications to be senator but the fact that Gawker printed a story about a “one night stand” from a few years back was unnecessary. First off, they didn’t have sex so I don’t feel it qualifies as a one night stand. Second, you need sex for it to actually be a sex scandal. Finally, the story was about how a thirtysomething single woman hooked up with a guy at a Halloween party. That is not a scandal. Hell, it’s made me like her more as a result.

3) Other sign I have seen around town is “Jesus returns May 21, 2011.” As it says in the Bible “We do not know the day nor the hour…ok, we know the day but not the hour. Though it will most probably be in the afternoon.” Apparently there is a guy who has done the math and has pinpointed this as the exact date of the second coming and a complete screw you to those who are following the Mayan calendar. Still, every time I see a sign like that I can’t help but think “Jesus is coming! Quick, everyone hide the porn!”

4) It is sad that the reason I am happy the Linda McMahon has lost her bid for the senate is not that it means that the Democrats will hold on to the Senate but rather that it means that the WWE will improve over the next few months. Every few years the McMahons decide to waste money on efforts to expand their business (the World Bodybuilding Federation, the XFL, the movie studio, politics) and fail miserably while taking money and energy away from the wrestling product. The wrestling suffers and this year has been no exception as it has now become PG entertainment. Well, with a loss we can finally get back to the sex and violence that makes pro wrestling great.

5) One of the candidates in Delaware was running as part of the Blue Enigma party. That has to be the coolest political party name ever. That is what politics needs more of: a sense of mystery and danger.

A Big Thing Badly

2010-11-01T20:53:00.001-05:00

This has been a rather strange week to be a Notre Dame alumni. It is not because our football team sucks to the point that we boo the coach off the field. As an Illini I am rather used to that. In fact “Booing the team after another heartbreaking defeat due to pure ineptness” is actually listed as one of the traditions of Illini football in Wikipedia. No, this is more of one of shame and outrage and cursing stupidity in the name of sports.

As most people know a Notre Dame student was killed at practice last week when the scissor lift that he was using to film practice was toppled by high winds. The weather in the Midwest was insane last week with the barometric pressure being the equivalent of a category 3 hurricane and numerous tornadoes being spawned across several states. My Facebook page was filled with status updates of people who couldn’t believe the storm. While Notre Dame has a perfectly find indoor practice facility that they used on Tuesday on Wednesday the coach decided to send the team outside to practice with the wind gusting to up to 50 mph. And one of those gusts is what killed a student.

People have called it a tragedy and while that is true it is really a poor use of the word tragic. Whenever any young person dies it is a tragic circumstance but we typically use that in reference to an unknown, unpreventable situation. This was completely preventable. They shouldn’t have been outside, they shouldn’t have used the lifts in that type of wind and the entire situation would have been avoided. Instead a 20 year old was buried today. It is the perfect definition of an avoidable tragedy.

It also bothers me how sportswriters use events like this to talk about how campus communities come together in times like this as a crutch to preview the game. More than a few people wrote about how Notre Dame rallies and bonds together at times of tragedy. That is entirely true and I have witnessed it myself on several occasions. However, none of that has to do with any game being played on Saturday. We comfort each other because that is in our nature. It is not meant to be a show of support so that our inside linebacker can better read a blocking scheme. Some of the articles read as though this would be a benefit to the team in terms of unity going into the game. I can’t even wrap my head around this one.

I’m not sure who should get the blame for this but someone certainly needs to. Whether it is the coach or the AD who has the ultimate responsibility I am not sure but this is certainly not emblematic of the school and the program that I have supported. They practiced outside due to some macho bullshit code of toughing it out under adverse conditions even though nothing useful could be accomplished. How do you practice pass plays with a 50 mph crosswind? No one bothered to look at the kid in the air on the sideline and go, “You know, I really don’t think we need footage of the pass rush today.” That bothers me greatly. Something so simple and so obvious was overlooked at a place where those are the things that should matter most.

I know that the students will cope with this and come out stronger. That is the Notre Dame way. I just hope that somewhere in this a lesson is learned by the people who are placed in the position of leadership to understand what is truly important. This is the darkest moment that I have seen since I’ve been associated with the school. I can only hope that they address this in the most straightforward and honest manner possible because it will be a long time before I can cheer the team on the field in quite the same way again.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Iguanas “If You Should Ever Fall On Hard Times”
2) Jack Ingram “Live at Billy Bob’s Texas”
3) Leonard Cohen “The Essential Leonard Cohen”
4) Cowboy Mouth “Easy”
5) Anders Osborne “Live at Tipitina’s”

Costume ideas

2010-10-27T20:38:00.000-05:00

It’s Halloween time again and that means for the fifteenth straight year I will be putting on the backpack, stocking cap and red and white striped shirt and see if people can find me in a crowded bar. (Because I’m Waldo, get it? This was even funnier when I would do this in the Waldo section of Kansas City. People would yell “Where’s Waldo” and I would go “You’re already there, moron.” Ah, good times.) Anyway, since not everyone is as creative as I am I figured that I would provide some helpful costume hints this year.

If you want to look like everyone else: Dress up as your favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Every other person will be dressed like Snookie this year so you will blend in perfectly. Note: this is not an acceptable costume if you happen to actually be in New Jersey.

If you have absolutely no time to make a costume: Stick a small pencil behind your ear and call yourself a miniature golf scorekeeper.

If you want a geeky but cool costume: Dress as Clark Kent. Normal dress attire but with a Superman t-shirt slightly visible underneath. Whenever anyone asks who you are supposed to be dramatically pull at your shirt as you strike a heroic pose (props to the io9 commenter I borrowed this idea from.)

If you want to steal the girl a guy has been talking to, buying drinks for and even a late dinner for at the bar: A life sized penguin costume. Not that I am speaking from experience or anything. People ask me about my irrational hatred of penguins and I can only tell them, “Trust me, it’s not irrational.”

If you want to live out your Karate Kid fantasies in a very impractical manner: Dress as a shower. Actually saw this costume in a bar once.

If you want to truly live out your Karate Kid fantasies: Get one of those kick ass skeleton costumes and head over to Ralph Macchio’s house. Teach him that Cobra Kai is the only dojo that matters.

If you need to incorporate your current level of weight gain: Where shorts and a solid color t-shirt and say that you are a Biggest Loser contestant.

If you need to go from the office straight to a party: Rock out the suit and say that you are Barney Stinson.

If you want to dress as your favorite political candidate: Don’t. Please, for the love of god, don’t. I’ve seen enough political witches this year already thank you very much.

Why the internet is killing our minds

2010-10-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

Your question of the day: Cats land on their feet. Toast lands butter side down. What happens if you strap a piece of toast on a cat’s back and drop it?

I just finished reading this book called “The Shallows” which discusses how the use of the Internet is rewiring our brains and is making us, for a lack of a better term, dumber. Or maybe not dumber in the largest sense of the world but much less likely to perform deep thinking and true introspection on topics. Essentially, the internet allows us to gain a great deal of data rapidly but prevents us from obtaining actual knowledge.

The main idea behind it is that the Net is designed for constant distraction. You always have interruptions from emails or instant messages. We have trained ourselves to quickly gleam the most important information from a page in seconds without even glancing at any other items on the page. Search engines provide us with answers quickly and keep us from looking around to find a broader picture. We have gained convenience but have lost depth.

For me this is rather fascinating given that my life has been spent half in a pre-internet age and half in a data immersed world and I have to say that on many levels I agree with this argument. I just checked and the number of books I read on a yearly basis steadily fell from 1998 on while I would reckon that the amount of time I spent online rose. While obviously that online time was spent reading I can’t say that I gained anything from it. It isn’t as though I have ever stumbled across a website that influenced my way of thinking as much as a book has. The web just doesn’t have that depth to it.

(It is interesting though that I will end up reading more books this year than I have in a decade and that might entirely be due to my owning a Kindle. For some reason (possibly because I have grown so accustomed to looking at a screen) I read more now that I have one. Much of the arguments about how the web interrupts our thought process with hyperlinks and video don’t really apply with the Kindle though they would with an iPad. Which is why I am sticking with my Kindle.)

I would agree that the internet has shortened our attention span. It is designed to provide information quickly, which is the goal of all computer systems. The web was not designed to answer the philosophical questions of our time. It was designed for the rapid flow of information and / or porn. But what strikes me more is how the internet has not only made our thinking shallower but it has also made us shallow on a more emotional level.

We must admit to ourselves that when we are online we are not dealing with people but with the digital representations of people and as such our interactions in that medium do not match what we hope for in society. Look at the comments section of any site and you will see arguments, name calling and the worst use of grammar that you could ever imagine yet this is all considered acceptable behavior because no one on the other end is “real”. Though there are people I have followed online for over a decade they are no more real to me than Kermit the Frog. There entire existence has been words on a screen. It creates a massive disconnect.

What happens though is this really deadens ourselves to the outside world. We lose empathy and connection. After spending a day watching funny videos of people falling down watching someone fall in the street no longer results in a response of “Oh my God, is that person hurt?” You now reach for your camera phone. Political arguments typically end with calling someone a Nazi. And in the one that I am most guilty: any news story, any confession, any expression of true human emotion is met with a snarky, cynical comment. Even when we are with real people we still treat them as a bunch of ones and zeroes.

The internet is here to stay. No one is arguing that we should turn back the clock. We just have to be aware that the tools we use impact us in more ways than we could ever imagine.

The Walkman: Mankind's Greatest Invention

2010-10-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

Sony announced that they are going to cancel production of the Walkman this year. After asking the obvious question of “They still make Walkmen? Who was the product manager who kept that business alive for this long?” we should still take the time to look back on what is one of the most important products of our age. Really, the Walkman shaped music and cultural history.

Until the Walkman music was a very stationary experience. You had your stereo system often complete with fake wood paneling to make it look more like furniture than entertainment (this held true for televisions and the Atari 2600 as well.) To listen to music you were typically confined to one space. Even with radios be they transistor or boom box you were still faced with limitations of either size, reception or broadcast range. You couldn’t listen to a boom box just by yourself. Or you could but it kind of defeated the entire purpose.

The Walkman wasn’t the first music player that caused people to wear headphones. Stereos and prog rock did that first. But the Walkman was the first player that made you wear headphones in public. It created the first attempt at having an individualized soundtrack for your life. You dropped in the cassette, put on the headphones, pressed play and suddenly you were in a different world than everyone else around you. You were having an individualized experience in a crowd. Nothing had really provided that type of release from the world before.

Think about what the Walkman spawned. You have the mixtape. True, it could be played on any cassette deck but we all know that it was meant to be played on a Walkman where only the intended listener would get the full meaning of the songs. You have the jogging industry where it is difficult to imagine people running without headphones on. The Discman (of which I probably have a half dozen broken versions of somewhere in my apartment) was the obvious descendent along with the iPod. But you also have portable DVD players and electronic books and every other type of media that has been made portable. The Walkman is the father of all of them.

To be sure it was a flawed machine. It ate up batteries like no one’s business. The radio that was standard on most of them had the worst reception ever to the point that in order to listen to your favorite station clearly you had to hold it at a 47 degree angle against your head. It would occasionally eat tapes and tapes themselves would fade after repeated use. If you dropped it (especially in the Discman era) the thing was pretty much doomed. And there is the fact that my hearing has probably been irreparably damaged from it. But man, did it help get me in to music.

(Though honestly, when was the last time you saw a Walkman used? Or a cassette tape available for sale. I’m all for old technology and I adore analog but this one may have seen its day.)

A not so long weekend

2010-10-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

This might be the best explanation of my current state of football fandom. On Saturday afternoon I had to choose between watching A) Notre Dame vs. Navy on CBS, B) Penn State vs. Minnesota on ESPNU or C) Illinois vs. Indiana on an alternate feed of the Big 10 Network that for the first quarter did not have any sound. I chose C and I was damn glad I did (though when the announcers came back on I kind of questioned it.) Of all my teams Illinois may very well be the best and they are certainly the most fun to watch.

Notre Dame was just pitiful this week. Now Navy is a good squad but we should not lose to them and certainly should not lose to them three out of the past four years. In fact, I shouldn’t be able to say with pride that I was at the game the last time we beat Navy and the last time we beat USC. But it is not just that we lost. We were just pounded and could not stop Navy. Even the two times we forced them to pass they lit us up. That is just depressing. The fact is without joining a conference I don’t see the team getting any better. Right now we are just hoping to be a middling team that will probably be destroyed at home by Utah. You kind of hope for better than that.

Otherwise the most productive thing I did this weekend was put in 4.67 miles on the treadmill in an hour. For those wondering I have gotten my weight down to around 200 pounds for a loss of ten pounds since May. While I wouldn’t say that I am nearing the level of anything called athletic the fact is not that long ago I would have a hard time going at 4.7 miles an hour on the treadmill for more than a few minutes. Now I’m basically averaging that over the course of an hour and I just need to cut one minute off of my time in order to run three miles in under my age. I’m getting fit, which is a pretty sweet accomplishment.

Thinking about that and having read a few more articles on obesity in America it makes me wonder more and more about the Biggest Loser and just how bizarre a program that it is. While the show is inspirational in that you watch extremely obese people overcome myriad challenges and lose an insane amount of weight there are two really disturbing aspects to the show. The first is one that I often discuss which is that since it is a reality show contestants get voted off. Typically these contestants are the worst performers which means that they actually require the most help. So the show kicks to the curb the people who aren’t fit to be role models.

The second point is that in a two hour episode there might be two minutes of actual advice about how to lose weight that isn’t tied to a product endorsement. Sure, we see Bob and Jillian working out the contestants but we aren’t told what exercise routines they are doing, or for how long, or what they feel the best circuit to use is. We get occasional discussions about diet but nothing very concrete. If you want either of those you are encouraged to purchase one of their books or DVDs. On a show that is about fitness with a motto this year of paying it forward watching it actually teaches you nothing about what you need to do. I don’t expect Project Runway to teach me how to sew but the Biggest Loser should give me advice on how to lose weight.

Best of 120 Minutes: There are very few bands that I love more than The Sundays. They are easily in my top ten list of absolute favorite bands that I have ever heard. Life would be so much better if there were more bands like this out there.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Soul Coughing “Lust in Phaze”
2) The Pat McGee Band “Shine”
3) The Mike Plume Band “Fools for the Radio”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Tennessee Pusher”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Street Songs of Love”

The real world got slightly more real

2010-10-20T19:28:00.001-05:00

(Given all the hype about 10/10/10 you’d think that today being 10/20/2010 would get some life. It is almost, but not quite, a palindrome, which is almost, but not quite, the alternative name for the governor’s mansion in Alaska.)

When I was writing about MTV and Jersey Shore earlier this week I forgot to bring up one important point, which is the fact that the network is promoting both Jersey Shore and Teen Mom simultaneously. Essentially they are saying “If you party, get black out drunk and hook up with everyone you meet we will give you your own television show! And if we don’t give you a show on that go around just come to us when you are pregnant with no future and we will send out the camera crew!” It seems to be a really, really bizarre message to bring.

It’s also amazing to see the difference between what people on MTV’s reality shows do now versus what they did in my time. On the first couple of seasons of the Real World none of the people hooked up with anyone, especially on camera. Even though Pam and Judd ended up getting married from the San Francisco cast you never saw any on screen action. The first that I can remember is the shower scene in Miami (which would be season 5) and then I think you would probably have to go a few years after that. Now, it would be stranger for the stars of the show to not be hooking up.

Now part of this is the fact that we have become a bit more promiscuous as a society over the past 20 years though not by much. Attractive young people tend to sleep with each other no matter what situation they find themselves in. I doubt that it is because MTV is now more eager to show this type of footage because I know people in reality TV and they pretty much kill for these types of scenes. Sex results in ratings pretty easily. No, what I think is the real cause is that the people on the show are much more willing to become exhibitionists in exchange for momentary fame.

Think about it. The cast of the Jersey Shore is not operating under any pretense that they are part of a true to life documentary. This isn’t an attempt to capture the true essence of their existence. They’ve essentially been cast to play a role in real life that is almost, but not entirely, like their actual life. So if that means being filmed in compromising situations so be it. The Situation is going to make four million dollars this year for doing just that. Good work if you can get it.

Now excuse me, I have to bang my head against the wall for the next hour after realizing that someone who calls himself “The Situation” is going to make four million dollars this year.

Wednesday Night Music Club: David Ford is probably my favorite singer that absolutely no one has ever heard of. How this guy isn’t a superstar is beyond me.

Wrestling's dirty little secret

2010-10-19T20:49:00.001-05:00

We are two weeks from election day and I feel a need to discuss the one candidate whose appearance on the ballot really upsets me. Surprisingly it is not Delaware’s anti-masturbation witch who, in a debate in front of law school students, was unaware that the first amendment provides for the separation of church and state. No, I can actually understand her candidacy. It is Linda McMahon’s senate campaign that troubles me.

Everyone who knows me understands that I am a wrestling fan. At 37 I really shouldn’t admit that publicly but it is true so you would think that I would be overjoyed at the WWE CEO running for senate. The possibility of the Undertaker having a serious role in governmental affairs is enough to make anyone happy. However, the fact is that wrestling’s dark side is very dark and at some point you have to look at the person in charge. But first we need some facts.

So, here is a breakdown of Wrestlemanias 1, 5, 10, 15, 20 and 25 in terms of numbers of wrestlers on the cards and the number of those wrestlers who have since died. For the record I picked those cards simply due to the fact that they are round numbers and will give a good sense of the sense of time. I’m also giving age and cause of death for completeness sake.

Wrestlemania 1 (3/31/1985)
Number of wrestlers on card: 22
Number of deceased wrestlers: 5: The Executioner (56, natural causes), Special Delivery Jones (63, stroke), The Junkyard Dog (45, car accident), Andre the Giant (46, heart failure), Big John Studd (47, Hodgkins disease).
Notes: The Executioner was “Playboy” Buddy Rose in a mask for those who are wondering. Andre the Giant died of a heart attack that was mainly due to the disease that caused him to be a giant. It was always my understanding that Andre was told when he was younger that he wouldn’t live to see 40 so the fact that he made it to 46 is pretty impressive. While 5 out of 22 is a high number for the most part I wouldn’t tie all of these deaths to the wrestling culture. You could also note that special guest timekeeper Liberace and special guest ring announcer Billy Martin have also both passed on.

Wrestlemania 5 (April 2, 1989)
Number of wrestlers on card: 38
Number of deceased wrestlers: 8: Hercules (47, heart disease), Big Bossman (41), “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig (44, drug overdose), Owen Hart (as the Blue Blazer) (34, in ring accident), Dino Bravo (44, murdered), Andre the Giant, “Ravishing” Rick Rude (40, heart failure), Bad News Brown (63, heart attack)
Notes: I could also add in Miss Elizabeth (who died of a drug overdose) given that she was the focus of the Hulk Hogan – Randy Savage main event. I’m getting my data from Wikipedia (which is surprisingly detailed when it comes to pro wrestling) and they don’t list a cause of death for the Big Bossman but I thought he had a heart attack. Owen Hart of course fell to his death from the rafters of the Kemper Arena in Kansas City. They say that he still haunts the arena and this is one of those few urban legends where I actually know who “they” are.

Wrestlemania 10 (March 20, 1994)
Number of wrestlers on card: 20
Number of deceased wrestlers: 6: Owen Hart, Bam Bam Bigelow (45, drug overdose), Luna Vachon (48, likely drug overdose), Crush (44, likely drug overdose), Yokozuna (34, heart failure), Earthquake (42, bladder cancer)
Notes: I put down likely drug overdose for Luna Vachon and Crush because it isn’t entirely clear what the actual cause of death was but it seemed readily apparent that drugs played a role. I’m also not entirely sure who wrestled as Doink the Clown on this show as about a half dozen people put on the makeup in that role so he may very well be immortal. “Earthquake” John Tenta’s death was one that has always bummed me out because he was a really great guy and is one of the few people on this list whose death had nothing to really do with the wrestling business.

Wrestlemania 15 (March 28, 1999)
Number of wrestlers on card: 25
Number of deceased wrestlers: 3: Owen Hart, Test (33, drug overdose), The Big Bossman
Notes: Not much, really, other than it is really depressing to write Owen’s name down over and over again.

Wrestlemania 20 (March 14, 2004)
Number of wrestlers on card: 50
Number of deceased wrestlers: 3: Garrison Cade (29, heart failure), Eddie Guerrero (38, heart failure), Chris Benoit (40, suicide)
Notes: It is still insane to note that this card (which was only six years ago) ended with Eddie and Benoit hugging in the ring both holding championship belts and a few years later both would be dead. As everyone knows Benoit murdered his wife and son before committing suicide in a series of events that I don’t think I’ll ever quite understand. Also, 50 wrestlers on a card is way too much. This show could have really used an editor.

Wrestlemania 25 (April 5, 2009)
Number of wrestlers on card: 47
Number of deceased wrestlers: 0
Notes: To my knowledge, the last appearance of a wrestler who is now deceased is Umaga (36, drug overdose) at Wrestlemania 24.

Now people can take this information and spin it a lot of ways but I can only see this as being a surprisingly large number of people who died before they reached fifty. This is made more stunning by the fact that they are athletes and should be in better physical condition than the average person. Obviously, drugs in the form of steroids and others play a huge role and this is why I have an issue with Linda McMahon running for senate.

What few people understand is that wrestlers work as independent contractors. The wrestler is not an employee of the WWE and as a result does not have benefits like health insurance and often has to pay their own way to travel from show to show. They are not in a union even though all sports leagues typically have a union and they are on weekly TV but cannot qualify for the Screen Actors Guild. I know that recently the WWE has at least set up programs to help out with insurance and substance issues but for decades pro wrestling has just churned people through the business and often leaving them broken on the other end.

Linda McMahon is the CEO of the WWE. She is on some level responsible for this list. She managed the work environment, she approved the schedule, she was ultimately responsible for the decision to lower Owen Hart from 90 feet in the air on a flimsy harness. I feel guilty knowing that as a fan I supported the business that caused this. But this was her job and she could have easily helped to correct this.

Her only qualification for being a senator is that she managed a billion dollar organization. It just happened to be an organization in which her main public employees were contractors who have a frightening tendency to die young. That to me is not someone you want in public office.

I need friends like J420 and Johnny Yanks

2010-10-18T20:44:00.001-05:00

I’ll start out with the easiest joke of the day. Obama is going to appear on an episode of Mythbusters. Let’s all place bets on whether or not he brings his birth certificate.

(He is going to be on the show in an attempt to promote math and science education. Here is my suggestion to the President. If you want to promote math and science education could you know, not cut NASA’s budget to the point where we have no way to launch a human being into space. We’re spending money like it is going out of style yet we will have for the first time in 50 years no way to independently put someone into space. Insane.)

I spent much of yesterday watching a Jersey Shore marathon. I’m not sure what that says about my life at the moment but the facts are the facts. One can learn an incredible amount by watching something like six hours of MTV featuring a group of people who for some reason are a strange shade of orange. Some random thoughts…

1) Apparently MTV’s viewership is composed almost entirely of people with incredibly bad acne. Every commercial break featured at least one advertisement for highly technical skin care treatments. We have moved beyond the days of the Neutragena girl and are now into full medical treatments.

2) On that note, can someone please correct Katy Perry on the following: in her commercial she complains about her acne blemishes near her mouth because “she’s a singer and everyone is looking at the microphone.” No, Katy, I can guarantee you that when you are on stage absolutely no one is looking at your face. No one even cares if you are singing. There are only two reasons why you have any popularity at the moment and you know precisely where they are located.

3) Despite the fact that the cast is working in a gelato shop we have learned very little about the making of gelato. Or the various work schedules of the cast mates. In fact, all we know is that a) the guys use the job to get numbers and b) Snooki is too short to actually see over the top of the stand.

4) When buying a gift for a girl you met a few days ago, I would recommend not giving her a Fossil watch in a plastic Macy’s bag. Even I know better than that.

5) After watching the show for a while you begin to become amazed when the cast does anything remotely resembling that of an activity associated with human beings like cooking a meal. You seriously wonder if they would be able to correctly understand concepts like “fire” and “heat”.

6) The strangest thing I realized after watching one of the episodes? I think I know the guy who did the sound. To think that if I had played my cards right I could have been out there partying with them in Miami.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Sheryl Crow “Sheryl Crow”
2) Peabody “Heroine”
3) Alejandro Escovedo “Bourbonitis Blues”
4) Soundtrack “Before Sunrise and Before Sunset”
5) Uncle Tupelo “Halls of Shame”

Best thrill ride ever

2010-10-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

So like pretty much everyone else I spent last night (and a good portion of today) watching the Chilean mine rescue. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen and though it caused me to miss a blog post I have to say that I am glad that I watched it. I do have a few thoughts and comments on the events though.

1) Nothing is braver than being the first rescuer down the mineshaft. It is basically a case of “We are sending you down to a place where 33 people have been trapped for over two months in a box that we have tested but aren’t entirely sure works. Oh yeah, and when you get there you are going to have to stay down there for a while. Don’t worry, we promise we’ll bring you back up. Eventually.”
2) That said, the image of him and the rescue pod getting down to the miners is going to be one of my favorites for a long time. First, because somehow they sent down a camera crew with a satellite linkup before the rescuer (or at least that is what it seemed like.) And secondly, did anyone catch the stance the rescuer gave when addressing the miners? He had his hands on his hips, chest out in the classic superman pose. In that situation though that was entirely what was called for. He had to convey extremely important information to a group of people who could be too busy celebrating to actually listen. He took control of the room just through posture alone.
3) The announcers did kind of blow it when, as the first rescued miner appeared, they said “now there are only 32 men left underground.” No, it was still 33 since the rescuer was down there. At that point they technically hadn’t rescued anyone. More like tagged someone out.
4) I’m more than a bit surprised at how healthy they are. They had been receiving supplies from the surface for the past month or so which did mean that they were not starving to death. But most of them seemed very excited and energetic and all walked out of the capsule without any issue. For spending two months in cramped quarters underground, with the first few weeks essentially without food or water, that is really impressive.
5) More impressive is the miner who invited his wife and his mistress to greet him once he reached the surface. His thought must have been, “Hell, if I survived this I might as well knock out this introduction while I am at it.” Though I must think there is another miner who has requested to be the last one up simply because he would much rather stay underground than deal with his life back up on the surface.
6) By the way, does anyone else wonder if these guys will have to be back at work on Monday? I mean, they’ve spent the past two months doing absolutely nothing. You would have at least thought that they would have done some mining while they were down there. While I kid about when they’ll go back the thing is these guys will almost all go back to work in the mines. That is what they do for a living.
7) I saw an interesting discussion online today about whether or not we should refer to the miners as heroes. I agree in that hero is probably not the right term for them. Surviving in and of itself is not a heroic task. However, these guys showed a will to live and work together that is just awe inspiring. The facts are incredible. For two weeks they were trapped a half mile underground with no idea if anyone was even looking for them. Then they were told that it would be months before they could be rescued. Yet these 33 guys kept each other going and you heard no stories of fights or arguments or people breaking down. Each supported the other. I don’t know if that counts as heroism per se but it is certainly admirable.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m probably way behind the curve in liking the Decemberists but hey, at least I am in the right decade. I think…

Quick, the miners are coming to the surface. Everybody hide!

2010-10-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, it might not matter to anyone else but I am proud that I am able to write a 2,000 word essay on the Beastie Boys “You’ve Got to Fight For Your Right To Party” and find out that someone from Iran read it because I know of no better audience for learning the ideals of fighting for your right to party. Though I expect that there is one thoroughly confused government censor right now trying to figure out the meaning behind a “Tabitha Soren.”

Also, does anyone else want all of the people waiting outside the mine in Chile to all dress in wacky costumes just to mess with the miners heads a little bit? I mean we don’t even have to go over the top and put everyone in bee costumes and explain to them that the killer bees have taken over the planet and now we must all dress like bees in order to prevent certain death. It could be as simple as everyone wearing the exact same blue shirt for no apparent reason. As in everyone for five miles wearing the same shirt. Everyone at the mine, the hospital, the camera crews all without any explanation. It would be like the best episode of Punk’d ever! Admittedly that wouldn’t be much of an accomplishment.

(In great engineering fashion they tested the rescue capsule by sending it down to within ten feet of the miners and then bringing it back up. Nothing like dashing the hopes of guys who have been trapped for over two months. “Well, this is what it would look like if we decided to rescue you.”)

In other news Courtney Cox and David Arquette are separating, which is fascinating news because I like most people assumed that they had divorced like six years ago. For a celebrity couple that never made sense in the first place they were together for a good decade plus. Given my position as a cynical bastard I am hoping that this is due to a Jennifer Aniston – David Arquette relationship just to make that inevitable Friends reunion that much more interesting. And it is inevitable because let’s face it what else does David Schwimmer have going on right now?

That must be the glory and the horror of being on an incredibly popular television show. The great news is that you make a ton of money and get to live off of the proceeds of the reruns for ages. On the other hand you will constantly be referred to as the person who has done absolutely nothing since their show went off the air. “Oh, I decided to go back to my true love: live theater” which is basically just saying that you can’t get a job in Hollywood to save your life and you are just waiting for the phone call for the televised reunion special. It must suck to be rich and famous.

Deciphering the 80's: Beastie Boys Edition

2010-10-10T19:28:00.002-05:00

In order to keep the generous federal grant that I receive for writing this blog (thank you, mindless beauracrats of the overspending Obama administration) I must occasionally provide an educational service in, as my grant proposal puts it, “Developing a deeper understanding of the art and culture of Generation X.” Or more accurately, deciphering the lyrics and music videos of the 1980’s. Tonight we will address the Beastie Boys classic “Fight for your Right to Party”.

Side Note #1: Did everyone else grow up hearing the rumor that one, or possibly all three, of the Beastie Boys died of a cocaine overdose after this single was released. That was definitely the story in the halls of every grade school and high school that I know of. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it has to be true. If not, how the hell did these guys get to be friends with the Dalai Lama?

Video Note #1: The video starts out with three people who look surprisingly like I did in the late 80’s discussing the makings of a party. For the record I only wore tape on my glasses when they were broken and it was going to take a week to get a new pair. Also, what is wrong with having soda and pie at a party? Who the hell doesn’t like pie? And yes, it is sad that throughout this entire video I am going to be identifying with the nerds.

Video Note #2: It appears that this video takes place in the exact same apartment where Cyndi Lauper wanted to have fun. In reality the only thing that would make this video even more awesome is a Captain Lou Albano appearance.

Kick it
I wish they would be slightly more specific about what it is we are supposed to kick. Are we kicking out the jams? Are we kicking the can? Are we kicking the door down as the video implies? Could we ask for at least a little specificity out of our rap lyrics?

You wake up late for school – man you don’t wanna go
You ask your mom, “Please?” – but she still says “No!”
I’ve always taken that this song is addressed towards high school students as a result of this opening couplet. Only a high school student would ask their parents if they had to go to school and then actually follow the given advice. A college sophomore probably doesn’t feel that way about Geology 101. Or more accurately they just would stay in bed hungover from the Jager shots the night before.

Also, why does waking up late for school make you not want to go? If you had woken up on time would that make you want to go to school? Wouldn’t you rather not go to school regardless? True, there is the sense that by being late you might be able to turn it into a sick day but the logic of needing to sleep late in order to have the right to party seems a little strained.

Video Note #3: For a bunch of nerds they have a surprisingly large number of attractive women at the party prior to the bad people arriving. And setting fire to a Popular Science magazine is just blasphemy.

You missed two classes – and no homework
This line has always troubled me. Ok, you missed two classes but you didn’t miss any homework. Isn’t that a win win? You got to sleep late and you don’t have any homework to do tonight. Sounds like the start of the best day ever in my book.

But your teacher preaches class like you’re some kind of jerk
Love the double meaning of class here as it can reference the physical act of attending a session of learning or the more ethereal sense of style and sophistication.

You’ve gotta fight for your right to party
I was always upset that Thomas Jefferson did not include the right to party in the Declaration of Independence. The right to pursue happiness just isn’t the same thing. We need a specific constitutional amendment guaranteeing our right to throw a bitchin kegger whenever we have a need to. I would fight for that right.

Video Note #4: I love that the video has a cutout segment to indicate that the punch is being spiked with Spanish Fly; a reference that kids today might not get. Also, apropos of nothing but why is it that at every wedding I now attend people are forcing me to drink punch? I don’t want to drink punch. If I’m thirsty I am going to want either a) water or b) beer so why offer me a third choice that just makes me wish I had one of my first two options. I propose a punch ban at weddings for precisely this reason.

Your pop caught you smoking – and he said, “No Way!”
That hypocrite – smokes two packs a day
Again this has to be about teenagers because who else gets yelled at for being caught smoking. Though smoking back in the late 80’s was not as much of a social stigma as it is today as it is now illegal to smoke in offices, bars, restaurants, or basically anywhere outside of a 100 foot radius circle in central Wyoming on alternate Thursdays. No, I did not sneak cigarettes as a teenager. I had my first when I was 29 and my last when I was 30 thus making me the oldest person in history to succumb to peer pressure. Also, I wouldn’t even want to imagine what a two pack a day habit would cost you now given all the taxes.

Man, living at home is such a drag
Another double meaning here as drag could reference the inhaling of a cigarette or the fact that living under your parents’ roof is a bummer. I bet most people never thought that this song had such lyrical depth.

Now your mom threw away your best porno mag (Bust it!)
I must explain this lyric to the youth of America as due to the internet era I don’t believe that they will understand the reference. Being a male teenager in the late 80’s meant two things: 1) a desire to see pornography and 2) the maddening difficulty of obtaining pornography. With the internet anyone with a connection can see whatever they want at any time. Even obtaining a DVD is a rather simple process and today’s teenager has a DVD drive on their laptop or gaming system. While VHS was available in the late 80’s the average household had one VCR, connected to the main television set in the living room, and thus was unable to be used without the parents’ knowledge. Thus led the rise of the “porno mag”, a printed material consisting of images that some might deem erotic or kind of sad depending on how you view such things. Yes, they actually used trees to make these things. Horrible, I know. I apologize for all generations after Gen X for the fact that global warming is directly a result of the printing of Swank.

You’ve got to fight for your right to party
Much like the request to kick it I really wish the Beastie Boys would be more specific in how we are supposed to fight for our right to party. Is it a call to take up arms? Should we have protest marches and sit ins until our right to party is achieved? Or would a simple petition suffice? You’d think that given how stridently behind the party movement they are the Beastie Boys would have given us direct instructions on how to help the cause.

Video Note #5: At this point the nerd is getting some in the bathroom that we know is a bathroom because it has a hand written sign on it that says “Bathroom.” This implies that either a) in the house that this video takes place they have a need to indicate the bathroom with a handwritten sign or b) that we the viewing audience need to be aware that this is the bathroom as opposed to the bedroom or coat closet. Sadly, I think the answer is A.

Video Note #6: Also, this is the point in the video where the pie fight starts. No one will believe that this is true but this song and the Beastie Boys in general were essentially banned due to being viewed as obscene. In my little suburban world they were the most dangerous band in existence. Yet there video features people throwing pies at each other. Maybe the 80’s were a little nicer than I originally thought.

Don’t step out of this house if that’s the clothes you’re gonna wear
I’ll kick you out of my home if you don’t cut that hair
Personally if I lived in this house I would wear the offensive clothes and not cut my hair thus putting my parents in an utter paradox to the point where I become the Schrödinger Houseguest. Also, these lyrics are perfectly applicable today as the clothes you’re gonna wear references Ed Hardy or Affliction t-shirts and that all of you kids with those damn emo haircuts should cut your hair.

Your mom busted in and said “What’s that noise?”
Aw, mom you’re just jealous – it’s the Beastie Boys
I never quite understood the meta reference here as the band is referencing a teenager listening to the band when this single was their very first release. Thus no kid could actually have been listening to the Beastie Boys when they recorded the song because the Beastie Boys did not technically exist as a commercial act. It creates another paradox in a song that is littered with them. Also, I wouldn’t think that the mom would be jealous. More overly concerned with the noise pollution.

Video Note #7: At this part of the video you get to see my favorite hidden gem of any music video of all time. In the final party scene one of the partygoers is a very young Tabitha Soren. She’s in the center right by the table sporting some awesome mall hair. I know that teenagers today will not get the reference but given that every guy my age had a crush on her due to her continual appearance on MTV News the fact that she partied with the Beastie Boys just made me fall for her even more.

You’ve got to fight for your right to party
So at the end of the video we see that a party is defined as loud music, some random hooking up, the destruction of an analog television set with a hammer and a pie fight. While that is something I would certainly fight for the right to having because again who doesn’t like pie but doesn’t this seem like a rather lame party? Would you leave this party thinking it was the most epic event you had ever attended? Ok, the guy who randomly hooked up with Tabitha Soren would but what about everyone else? And who is leading the anti-party coalition? I need to know who we are up against.

This ends our lesson. Any requests for the next subject?

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Get Up Kids “Something to Write Home About”
2) Toad the Wet Sprocket “Dulcinea”
3) The Subdudes “Annunciation”
4) U2 “The Joshua Tree”
5) Dave Matthews Band “Live at Red Rocks”

I deserve a prize...

2010-10-07T21:15:00.001-05:00

I was once again screwed out of the Nobel Prize for Literature for the masterpiece that is Battling the Current. If I don’t get the Peace Prize I am seriously going to have to bust some heads. I mean it was one thing that I didn’t pick up the McArthur Foundation Genius Grant but the Nobel Prize? Doesn’t everyone get one of those? It’s like a participant ribbon now.

Actually, the Nobel Prize committee is continuing their trend of giving the prize in literature to someone who no one has ever read. I like to consider myself worldly and well read but for the life of me I can’t recall ever hearing the winner’s name before. I’m not a believer in the best author sells the most books (in the same sense that the cast of Glee is not better than the Beatles just because they have more Billboard Top 100 singles) but you would think that to win you should reach a level of mainstream consciousness. But that is the Norwegians for you.

I’m pretty much spent mentally and physically right now. Long week in the office, a couple of tough workouts and a continuation of news in real life that just makes me wish that this year would end just so I could have a fresh start. As a result, I’m just going to post one of my guilty pleasure songs. As a music critic more than a fan I can’t really explain why I love this song so much. It just forces you to smile. Plus, the video takes place in a mall and makes fun of Marilyn Manson. What more can you want?

Just how popular am I online?

2010-10-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

I’ve been writing a lot recently about the idea of privacy in the internet age and just how once you open yourself to the internet the entire world knows everything about you. Since I just received a new set of yearly visitor stats on my blog I thought that it would be neat to examine them. Remember, I have never really promoted my blog outside of people I know. Even that has been low key (except for those of you who haven’t blocked me on the Facebook feed.) Here are the stats.

· I had 5,388 unique visitors last year or an average of 14.8 readers a day. This is down from the 17.6 readers a day I averaged the year before primarily due to the fact that I posted a lot less and didn’t get linked to from the Frames fan blog like I did in January 2009. The drop bums me out but life got in the way of writing this year
· The breakout of visitors by country is as follows: US: 83.9%, United Kingdom: 4.1%, Canada: 2.8%, Germany: 1.1%, Australia: 0.6%, Norway: 0.5%, Spain: 0.4%, Brazil: 0.4%, Rest of the World: 6.2%. For the record, I don’t know anyone in Norway and can’t recall if any of my friends are living in the UK at the moment.
· So who is in the rest of the world? Such fascinating places as South Africa, Latvia, Cyprus, United Arab Emirates, Nigeria, Ghana, Belize, Malawi, Iran, Bahrain, and Guernsey. Do you know where Guernsey is? It is a channel island between England and France with a population of 65,573 people. One of them visited my blog.
· Google has let me know what search term has brought the most people to my blog. That term? “Strawberry shortcake enemy”. I am the first link on Google for that search and it links to a post of mine that doesn’t even answer the question. It’s the Peculiar Purple Pie Man by the way.
So when you put your life story online just know this is how far it can travel.

Ain't she a beautiful sight?

2010-10-05T22:00:00.002-05:00

There was a question last night from one of my readers for me to explain just what the hell the deal was with CB Radio in the 1970’s. Ok, it wasn’t put that way but basically I need to explain the completely bizarre fact that for a portion of the late 1970’s Americans fell madly in love with the idea of people driving big tractor trailer trucks. This was pretty much the perfect definition of a fad.

There were two defining moments to the trucker movement. The first was the release of the song “Convoy” by C. W. McCall, which as I mentioned yesterday was a number one single in 1975 beating out “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers and “I Write the Songs” by Barry Manilow. Dear god, did the mid seventies suck for music. Anyway, Convoy is half spoken, half sung number in which the main plot is that a group of trucks have joined forces on the highway in an effort to protest gas prices, toll booths and hippies. Here is the video…

As you can tell this song makes absolutely no sense at all. That is unless you talk CB radio, which is like speaking British English in the fact that you know what the words mean but the sentences are incomprehensible. In that “bears” are police officers, “what’s your 20” means where are you and “Rubber Duck” means….ok, I’ve never figured that one out. Again, this was a hit song.

The second defining moment was of course the release of Smokey and the Bandit (starring Burt Reynolds and Sally Field) in 1977. This was the second highest grossing film for the year behind only Star Wars. That is the seventies for you. The film is essentially the story of Burt Reynolds and company illegally driving a shipment of Coors beer to Georgia. At the time, Coors was illegal in the state of Georgia; a law that I see no reason why it was ever overturned. We’re not talking Coors Light here; we’re talking actually Coors which is like Miller in that I can’t recall seeing anyone ever drink it even in an ironic sense. Anyway, the movie is one big car chase combined with most of the characters talking over a CB radio in slang, Jackie Gleason acting upset, and Burt Reynolds hooking up with Sally Field.

Now the bigger question is why the hell was all this popular? I’d give part of the reason to the fact that CB radio was a bit of a precursor to cell phones and the internet in which you could connect with people outside of regular channels. Plus, it had its own unique language so there was a sense of the underground to it. That doesn’t explain the admiration of truckers though. Mainly I take that as a response to the oil crisis. Given the price of gas it was tough to drive anywhere so the guys who could still take to the open road were given a sense of awe. And who wasn’t against toll roads? I’m not saying it made sense because once American culture ever starts to make sense we are basically doomed.

Embracing your inner geek

2010-10-04T21:04:00.001-05:00

I am so upset that no one asked me what today’s date was just so I could answer “Ten four good buddy.” Ever since the end of the CB radio era in the late 70’s you really only get one day a year where you can use that phrase in polite conversation. Actually, there is one fad we could really use a return of. I know that the trucker hat has seen a rebirth and merciful end of its popularity but I don’t know why we can’t all have CB handles and have “Convoy” blasting from our stereos at every possible moment.

(Convoy was a number one hit in the US and reached number two on the UK charts. Ah, the seventies. The time that culture forgot. Except for Dynamite magazine; that was freaking awesome.)

Also, I must note that I completely missed Talk Like a Pirate Day this year. It has typically been a blog holiday along with Pi Day, Pi Approximation Day and the Mole Minute on June 2 at 10:24 A.M. Oh and Star Wars Day on May 4th. Basically, any legitimate reason for me to be a geek is considered a holiday in my mind. How I am lucky enough to have a wonderful fiancé like Kim is beyond me.

I know that people make fun of me for being a geek (and for the fact that I am 37 and am still proud of the fact that I can tell you that the name of Jabba the Hutt’s court jester was Salacious Crumb) but there is a sense of liberation that comes with never being the cool kid. And I never was at any moment in time in my life. I’ve never been at the top of any social structure, never had the envy of my peers in that sense. But what that has meant over time is that I have learned to not give a damn about what anyone thinks about me. If you know you are going to lose the popularity contest you suddenly learn that you no longer have to play.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve seen people who are still trying to win the popularity game when in reality it ended ages ago. Look at your friends on Facebook and all of these people from your past who are still broadcasting every moment of their lives in an effort to gain what exactly? Attention? Notoriety? A brief sense of accomplishment? I know I shouldn’t critique given what I do but most of my writing is a critique of myself. I’m not overly concerned with what others think; I’m more interested in enjoying my time here and if that means making Star Wars jokes so be it. Life is so damn short that I can be bothered wasting time trying to act cool just so other people will be happy.

We are all on tv

2010-10-03T21:19:00.000-05:00

I assume most people have heard about the Rutgers suicide story already. It is a pretty tragic and appalling story. A guy sets up his webcam to broadcast his roommate making out with a guy and broadcasts it over the internet and even mentioning it on his Twitter account. A few days later his roommate commits suicide, literally updating his Facebook status about what he was doing moments before jumping off the George Washington bridge. The end result is one 18 year old dead, two other 18 year olds looking at up to five years in prison and a lot of people questioning youth and technology.

I often wonder how I would survive being a teenager today. Part of me thinks that I would have been better off. I’ve always been more comfortable interacting with people through writing more than actually dealing with them directly (thankfully I’ve improved on this since high school.) But, I could imagine myself keeping a blog as a high school kid and maybe the fact that I could write something interesting and funny would make those teenage years slightly more bearable.

However, teenagers are by their very nature cruel and vindictive. You are at a point in your life where you can first taste real power, where all you want to do is test boundaries and see what you can get away with. You tend not to think about consequences because up to this point your actions really haven’t had any long lasting consequences. So while I would love to think that a teenage me blogging would result in people not thinking of me as a complete nerd I’m pretty confident that what I would end up with would be a bunch of Facebook comments calling me a complete nerd. I was the guy who always got prank phone calls; imagine the current version of that.

At least I can say that while I put a portion of my life public on the blog I control what people see and have done so knowing what it is like to have nothing public. Kids in college today have lived their entire lives online and in public. They have always had MySpace or Facebook and constant text messaging. To the roommate this was just another piece of information to send out to the world. It was cruel, definitely, but I bet he had no idea what the consequences were. He assumed that we are all living in one giant reality show. If Ashton Kutcher can use hidden cameras on Punk’d why can’t he? In the same sense how can one be so distraught that suicide is considered a solution but he makes sure to bring his laptop and a cel phone to the bridge so that he can tell the world just what he is doing? Even those moments are part of the reality show.

It is just a sad state of affairs. There are times when technology moves so fast that the cultural changes outpace are ability to grasp the changes. Our connected world has completely changed our sense of distance and openness. 20 years ago I would write letters to a girl in Minnesota that I had met because it was one of the easiest ways to stay in touch. Today, we would do video chats on Skype. In high school I was able to hide behind my books. Now everyone broadcasts their presence to the world.

Best of 120 Minutes (10/3/1993): Afghan Whigs were always one of those bands that I heard people talk about but that I could never get into. On the other hand, this video shows an insanely young Conan O’Brien so it has that going for it.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Jayhawks “Smile”
2) Gomez “How We Operate”
3) Arcade Fire “Neon Bible”
4) Tift Merritt “See You on the Moon”
5) R.E.M. “Live Collection”

Can they let Raj talk to women already?

2010-09-30T22:36:00.001-05:00

It is fascinating to find out that Penny and Leonard from The Big Bang Theory were actually dating in real life. Not in the sense that two people on the same show would date; that seems rather common and hell, if I was Johnny Galecki I’d date her in a second. More in the sense that for a real life couple they never really had very good chemistry when they were portraying a couple that was dating. You never could quite believe that they would actually be dating. Which means that acting real life is somehow more difficult than living real life thus explaining how the people on Jersey Shore still have the semblance of a career.

Not much else to write about tonight as all I did was watch Project Runway (Mondo wins again, Gretchen pouts, April acts tough and Michael apparently has a son.) They did hit on the reality show cliché in which everyone gets to see their family without any prior warning and they all break into tears. This has always bothered me a little on every show. No matter what the show the contestants always break down in tears. Even on a show like The Mole, where the game was essentially an extended European vacation, everyone acted as though they had not seen each other for two years. I wish shows would stop doing this.

Otherwise I think I am going to call it a week. It’s been nice to actually get a chance to sit down and write consistently. I’m going to try to keep up the pace. Have to do something now that the jigsaw puzzle is complete.

Songs to make a grown man cry

2010-09-29T20:05:00.001-05:00

Your Biggest Loser Update: Lindsay Lohan has checked back into rehab. Oh wait, I meant the show The Biggest Loser update. In that case, two of the contestants who were eliminated last week (in the classic “Let’s make the chronically obese run a mile in order to win the right to be on a reality show” event) were chosen by the trainers to compete on the show. Bob chose Aaron because he was the heaviest contestant and wanted to lose weight for his son. Jillian chose Eliza because she passed out in her competition, which showed grit and determination in the fact that she didn’t die. I’m sorry, but I really hate Jillian’s “work out until you pass out” philosophy because that is a wonderful way to injure yourself. I really wish they wouldn’t promote it.

Anyway, this week’s episode was your typical first week show where everyone struggles with the workouts but loses immense amounts of weight because a) they kind of fudge the number of weeks they’ve been working out and b) when you go from doing nothing to four hours plus of heavy exercise your body goes into crisis mode. Again, I still don’t consider it the healthiest way to lose weight but it is impressive to see someone drop ten percent of their body weight.

Switching gears, some music mag (PRS for Music, whatever the hell that is) put together a list of “The Top 10 Songs Most Likely to Make a Guy Cry.” Let’s break down the list, shall we?

10: Robbie Williams “Angels”: No clue what this song is. Robbie Williams is one of those British dance pop people whose career started when they were a teenager and has never ended. Think Kylie Minogue without the talent or charisma. On second thought, just think Kylie Minogue.

9: Todd Duncan “Unchained Melody”: This is the original version of the song from “Ghost”. It might make me vaguely bleary eyed but it won’t start me crying. Thinking about Demi Moore hooking up with Ashton Kutcher is a different story.

8: Bruce Springsteen “Streets of Philadelphia”: I always felt that this song was dark but not one that would lend itself to tears. I always felt that the beat gave it a bit of defiance to it. Not sure why this is on the list.

7: Elton John “Candle in the Wind”: Ok, this one I can get behind. References Marilyn Monroe and has over time been connected with alternately victims of AIDS and Princess Diana. The song has become more depressing due to these connections and the fact that you’ve probably heard it during a funeral at some point in your life.

6: The Verve “The Drugs Don’t Work”: Don’t know this one either. Sorry. I’m still not sure if The Verve and The Verve Pipe are the same band or not.

5: U2 “With or Without You”: Ok, I’m lost on this one. I have listened to this song probably a thousand times in my life and I have never been tempted to cry. In fact, as a kid I always assumed that it was a rather romantic song. I can guarantee you that people have used it as a wedding song. If anyone can explain to me why this would make a guy cry please let me know.

4: Sinead O’Connor “Nothing Compares 2 U”: Interesting choice if nothing else. I’m not sure if I would say that it would make me cry. More like it causes me to sit there in stunned silence. The song is absolutely brilliant and raw and strikes at your soul. Ok, watching Sinead shed that one single tear in the video will make you cry. That is a given.

3: Leonard Cohen “Hallelujah”: Sigh. I have listened to at least a dozen different versions of this song. I don’t even want to guess how many times I have listened to Jeff Buckley’s version (or the fact that I have maybe ten different recordings of Jeff singing it in my collection.) But amongst all that, despite the fact that it is about love gone wrong, it’s never made me cry or think about crying. Hell, k.d. lang sang it after they lit the torch in the Opening Ceremonies. Doesn’t belong on the list at all.

2: Eric Clapton “Tears in Heaven”: Ok, this one belongs on the list. I’m not even going to try writing about it because I will mist up and this is given the fact that I hate Eric Clapton with every fiber of my being.

1: R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts”: If you had me try to choose the most depressing song of all time this might make the cut. The video is as dark as dark can be but again, the song itself really doesn’t drive one to tears. That is really the problem with this list. While music has been an emotional touchstone in my life I really can’t say that it causes crying. Even when you listen to sad songs it is more of a comfort than anything else. At least you know that someone else has walked the same path as you have.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I got this list from The Onion’s AV Club and in the comments someone made the point that some songs bring you to tears not because they are sad but because they are transcendent. The example everyone used was Arcade Fire’s “Wake Up”. I really can’t disagree with the reasoning.

Jigsaw Puzzles and the Legacy of Terry Fox

2010-09-28T19:43:00.001-05:00

After four months, countless hours, several beers and an almost immeasurable amount of frustration I have finally finished my masterpiece. Yes, as the picture clearly shows I have singlehandedly completed a 3,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. For those of you who want a sense of scale the puzzle is 32 inches by 48 inches and is sitting on a poster board that is meant to be used to create a 3 panel grade school science fair presentation. The reason it is on a board on the floor of my apartment is because the dimensions of the puzzle are technically larger than the dimensions of my dining room table. I’m not kidding when I say that this thing is intense.

This is easily the toughest jigsaw puzzle that I’ve ever built. As you can kind of see this is based off of a painting and consists mainly of sea and sky. To be honest, the sea and the sky were the easy parts. The boats were just hell to complete as everything was just one mass of brown. I probably worked on this a little bit every day that I was home and there were nights where just finding a few pieces that fit were a victory.

The big question here is why in the world would I do such a thing? Given that there is so much going on in my life why would I focus on a jigsaw puzzle of all things? Well, that answer is a lot more complicated, a lot more meaningful and hopefully a lot more interesting than you would think.

For one thing doing this was one of my New Year’s Resolutions and has been a goal of mine for a rather long while. So in a sense I did this because I had set a goal for myself and wanted to achieve it. That doesn’t explain why I did it over the summer though. That is because I have really been using this puzzle as a kind of therapy. As some people know I suffered a great loss this spring and needed to do something to occupy my mind as I worked through everything. It is strange in how my mind works in that sometimes the best way for me to analyze a situation or to handle a stressful event is to do something with complete focus that has nothing to do with the issue at hand. Somehow by doing so my subconscious gets to put its full energy on the problem. And I have to say that I felt a weight lifted from me when I completed the puzzle. The first thing that came to my head when I put in the last piece was Jeff saying “I did it!” when he finished a puzzle we worked on together. That seemed to make much of the past few months make much more sense.

There is one more reason behind it and to do so I am going to have to make a really odd connection here in the sense that my jigsaw puzzle abilities pale in comparison to the following. Tonight ESPN is doing a story on Terry Fox, one of my heroes, as part of their 30 for 30 series. Outside of Canada most people don’t know who he was but I remember as a kid watching the HBO movie on his life story. When Terry Fox was 17 years old he lost part of his right leg to cancer. When he was 20 he set off to run across Canada in order to raise money for cancer research. This was in 1980 so his prosthetic leg was primitive by today’s standards. It was more of a hobble and a lurch than a run. But he ran, into the wind, for 26 miles every day. Each day was a marathon on one leg, each day was his personal challenge, each day was his hope that this would help others to succeed against the disease that had put him through absolute hell. In the 143 days that he ran he completed 3,339 miles until he was forced to stop as the cancer had spread to his lungs. Nine months later the cancer took his life.

I’ve never forgotten his story. I was so happy when I watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics this year and his mom was chosen to be one of flagbearers for the Olympic Flag. People were inspired by his bravery and his desire to raise money in the hopes that others would benefit. What has always inspired me is the fact that he took on a challenge that was so beyond comprehension, so difficult, that completion was not even required. It was simply having the will to see it through to the very end.

One of the things that I have struggled with my entire life is being paralyzed by fear. The unknown is the scariest thing in the world to me and I have built my life so that everything is structured. But I need to break out of that and challenge myself to try something without knowing that I can succeed. A jigsaw puzzle is a simple thing but it is still a challenge of will. Do you have the patience and the dedication to see it through? When I finished last night I felt like I could take on the world. So much of that fear dropped away because I had taken on a challenge and won. It is nothing compared to what Terry Fox did. But I hope that this helps me to act a little more like him, to go and look out into that unknown, to know that you are on a path where success is not guaranteed and to take step after step after step.